super vagina

?

Read it in context. I dont support porn AT ALL. Nor do I even support drinking. But I am saying you cant demonize the people who are gripped by the culture. We can be very clear how bad it is just like we can be clear how bad smoking can be. But you want to leave someone for smoking? Thats basically what I am saying. I never simplified it to that. I didnt bother to call the super vag stuff ridiculous or fight against her idea that being more attractive would help. I wont assume about her genitals or appearance. All I really said was have some exciting sex and keep the guy away from porn. Maybe some people dont like how I said it or think I was saying it for certain reasons or contexts but thats not the case.

I apologize if it was taken in that way.

 

You said way more than that dude....come on.

 

So you are equating porn use with smoking? Maybe for some men, porn is an occasional indulgence that doesn't really affect the rest of their lives. I think it was for every addict at the beginning. But porn is addictive, and in susceptible people it becomes an insiduous destructive force in their lives. Look how many people are on this forum and have had marriages break up, careers ruined and LIVES RUINED because of porn.
I also notice that you are much more respectful to the males replying to this thread than you are to me. Do you suspect that your porn use has resulted in you devaluing women? Because that is a research based effect of porn use.

 

Not being defensive lol. I am rather offensive on ur behalf because some guys on this read misunderstood what i said and thats my fault for just typing some simple things into a potentially complex situation. You however projected and made ur own assumptions lol. Im not afraid to say hey this was badly said or maybe i mispoke etc. But i dont like being misrepresented for what i did actually say.

I wonder how long you have been P free?

Erm since nofap Ive only had like 3 relapses. Been on nofap 3 years now. Hit 150 day streaks up to this year etc. At the moment I am maybe a few weeks into my new reboot. I wont make excuses for my rare relapses however it was induced by pharmaceutical issues to say the least.

Are you married?
No but I got engaged once with my gf of 2 years at the time. She had the same birthday as me. Thought it was my soul mate.

In a relationship?
Yes I am in a relationship with my lovely gf. She is an old friend who asked me out while I was in monk mode last year around xmas. She is actually a virgin still. We fool around ( and have fun). Shes prob more open / sexual than I am and would actually do the things i suggested in this thread even tho personally its not a big deal to me.

None of these this validate or invalidate what I am saying to say though. There is a certain connection here that was assumed. That I am saying fun sex would fix all their problems or promoting the reason behind it. Really I'd like others to actually offer the OP good advice especially if mines comes across to horrid.

 

@Shinsoo, your point was loud and clear...if an SO would give their PA more sex, better sex -- it would help them to not be drawn to porn as much.

Does that summarize your thoughts?

 

No actually all my close friends are women altho thats because of my agreeable personality not because of preference. I am reacting that way to her because she strawmanned my statement and started an argument over things I didnt actually say. Like I will take fault in that I could have said certain things better or with tact whether people agree with the baseline or not. I am not really treating her with disrespect I would say, I am just not backing down based on the misrepresentation to her specifically. I don't mind being wrong. But tell me I am wrong about what I actually said and then maybe provide the best possible advice to the OP. all i am getting from her is her rigid understanding of PA and criticism on my words. This thread isnt about me.

 

Yes and no. I am not assuming it is that simple. Nor am I assuming to know exactly why her husband in specific is addicted.

Really to be more clear. I was saying lets assume 1. he cant control himself. Like if hes busy out doing things then hes not at home surfing and masturbating. Like sure there are addicts that look at their phone but idk how bad he is or whats his device of choice. Im just saying u give anyone meaning in their life. Like real activity that makes them and their family better they are less likely to do the wrong things. Thats proven across multiple fields.

2. Then its like okay the OP wants to improve sex. I could tell her that a super vag is silly but again i dont want to assume about her vag or attractiveness lol and ironically I think it would be rude for me to ask or to even enunciate it is or isnt the problem either way. I mean could u imagine this thread if i replied to that part specifically haha I would be shot. All I was saying is Porn is often about novelty. Sure it can be an intimacy disorder. But addictions almost always are related to dopamine. Thats why when u kick one addiction, u go to another. U quit smoking and now its gum. Lots of people in AA turn to cigs. Like even if its not bedroom related. And some people do watch porn for what they are not getting in the bedroom even women. there are women and men who need to watch porn even while having sex. But when ur present in the bedroom and ur fulfilled. Ur close, and excited. Its not the same sex, u see the person in a new light. It breathes life into the staleness of the same sex for many years. I am not claiming it fixes the problem but I am saying obviously great sex with ur wife will help the relationship and his mental health and his sexual satisfaction would help keep him away from porn.

Like I am not speaking in any absolutes. most people here, its not just one thing that helped em get a long streak or change the way they see it. Its the combination of things and changing habits. Thats my message. Try a different combination and change his habits.

Edit: We can respectfully disagree on what combinations are best and appropriate but I am still not into the projecting aspect of it like oh he said that because he thinks sex will fix PA or he said that because hes an addict rationalizing or oh I made a thread for people like u. Jeez so much projection. Like okay Maybe I am wrong or at least i am guilty of saying it badly. But lets get to the solutions.

 

People like me. Oh look more projection. Man I am fine engaging you in a debate but not like this lol.

Actually I just read your opening thread. I actually agree with it. I have a similar outlook actually. If that is not communicated here then my bad but you are right. Would be a waste so good day to you sir.

 

Telling a porn addict and his wife "I am saying obvious great sex with ur wife will help the relationship" ... your implication is that great sex will help the porn addict stop watching porn..correct??

THAT IS 100% WRONG THINKING. Is it logical, yes. Is it wrong, harmful, demeaning to the wife, and just pure garbage..Yes. You are doing a HUGE disservice to women/wives by putting the responsibility of stopping porn on their shoulders. (I am not saying you are putting 100% of the responsibility on women..but putting ANY responsibility to stop the PA on the SO is wrong.)

 

Can an SO be supportive of the PA and his recover? YES.

But to tell a betrayed/hurting/marriage-suddenly-destroyed spouse that she _should_ give the PA more sex, better sex ... that is just wrong. Do you not see that?!?

 

I didnt put that responsibility anywhere. OP said thats what she was gonna do. And TY, I am glad we can agree it is logical.

Well in regards to the SO. It depends on how u view marriage. In a marriage if ur taking the bond/contract seriously. Their problem is ur problem. Keep in mind I am not saying its her fault in anyway. But I dont think its a bad thing to want to help cure ur SO addiction with things that seem ... shallow and not ur job. Its not a great precedent at all I agree but you lean on each other in a relationship when one person cant stand on their own.

I've helped one of my exes with PA. She had it bad man, shes on a longer streak than me atm . And now she is working/less depressed/ about to run a 20 mile marathon. And she is super thankful. She couldnt do it on her own and I took the responsibility, coached her every day and put blockers on her pc and helped talk her through her dating problems. And she is doing well, and we arent even married. I am with someone else now, she is dating people.

I do agree with u its the wrong precedent tho but not necessarily the part that a wife shouldnt help live that responsbility when the guy is failing at it. I think its admirable for a wife to go that far. I mean she might be in her right to just leave him or tell him get it together or else. But if the woman is strong enough and the guy wants the help then at least try.

 

Seriously? Do I have to copy and paste every sentence that you wrote where you gave direct advice to a betrayed girlfriend/spouse that SHE SHOULD give her man more sex, better sex.

Do you not remember writing that?? How is that not putting responsibility on the girlfriend/wife?

Are you giving advice..and then saying it's bad advice to follow?

 

Guys, i am going to train my vagina to be super vagina...and take care of my diet and exercise to have my optimal gorgeous body shape.
My responses were within the context of what the OP said.

"I will let him crash on his own this timw and cross my finger he will one day realize life and sex is better without porn.

Guys, i am going to train my vagina to be super vagina...and take care of my diet and exercise to have my optimal gorgeous body shape.

and i will also be happy no matter what.

so that if he did went back to PMO, at least he will say "this time i do have an addiction. My wife is superb but i still PMO, so the problem lies in me"


and i least i can also say, " i am fine. i did my best"

Most of what I have been saying apart from a few responses or explanations has been in the context of what the OP said.

Like first thing she said is she will let him crash on his own time
Exactly so then as a wife she is already saying she understands that if he fails on his own time thats his fault. I dont need to tell her something she gets.

Guys, i am going to train my vagina to be super vagina...and take care of my diet and exercise to have my optimal gorgeous body shape.
As I said before not making assumptions on this or touching this with a 10 foot pole lol. Like sure in theory that sounds sorta mildly helpful but i agree others that it wont fix a PA.

and i will also be happy no matter what.
Great so as long as she understands this. Its like okay well now we dont have to protect her as if she is one of many weak women who will read this and get the wrong idea. Because i do agree outside the context a lot of these things would be the wrong idea.

so that if he did went back to PMO, at least he will say "this time i do have an addiction. My wife is superb but i still PMO, so the problem lies in me
She has a problem in her marriage and shes gonna try so hard to fix it that when it doesnt work out she doesnt have a guilty bone in her body. And actually in my original post I said u can be a wonderful wife and men will still watch porn. She sounds like if she isnt already a wonderful wife that shes trying to be.

and i least i can also say, " i am fine. i did my best
Agreed. U did ur best and if he still fails even after u assumed part of the responsbility u were in ur rights not to take then like wow. U can definitely walk away without a thread of regret.

She has already taken up responsibility for it I am saying thats admirable and I agree with that (within a marriage). In other relationships with other women yeah its the wrong precedent. But she seems strong, determined and accepted the responsibility already before my post. The alternative is me saying hey thats not ur job, if ur husband is too weak to beat his PA then its not ur job. And then the husband suffers , she gets divorced, one more unmarried PA in the world.

I mean OP might be better off divorced if even after this he cant get it together. But its ur husband. its for better or for worse. And by her own words

cross my finger he will one day realize life and sex is better without porn.
Like yes it is. All my advice in its essence was LETS HELP HIM SEE THAT. Give him the right habits in his life. And make the sex clearly better than porn whatever legal and reasonable way u know how.

Not claiming its the cure for addiction but its a start.

Like it is my fault. Because I responded within the context and framework of OP's train of thought sincerely ironically without paying attention to how it would appear. How disjointed it may appear or frivolous the advice seemed is because of the flaws in how responses come across sometimes in forums and my own tactlessness. But I dont want to argue about it. On a subjective level I support the OP. On an objective level there is so much to criticize logically but I just wanted to provide a solution that improves what the OP already decided to do.

For the OP's sake. I wont respond after this. Ideally she gets better advice or clearer advice or if someone wants to spell out all the implications of her approach to her then they are welcome to but I wont assume she doesnt already understand that given shes been dealing with this for years and spoke to her parents about it.

 

Stop it..just STOP IT!! The original OP _is_ wrong in her thinking. If a wife finds out her husband is a PA ... the answer is NEVER to train your vagina to be super vagina. The fact that you even partially agree with the OP is part of the problem.

..

Then, all of the wrongness of what you've written can be boiled down to this one phrase that you wrote:

And THAT thinking has absolutely no place here at NoFap. Sure, think whatever you want...but I am telling you and I think 99.99% of people here will tell you that is WRONG thinking, HURTFUL thinking. If you can't see it ... I feel sorry for you.

 

I lost crazy amount of weight to prove I was hot enough.

I was never me.

I was sooo confused and lonely
And have my own broken childhood

I had an affair.

Super vagina????

No such thing. Even the sexiest women alive are cheated on and tossed aside to this addiction.

 

@Shinsoo you are entitled to your opinions like the rest of us but if haven't read the journals and posts of the wives/girl friends affected by this I suggest you do because you would see most if not all have tried what you suggested without success.

So while they made an effort to fix thing's it made no difference because there was nothing they could do, they are collateral damage in this thing called addiction.

I see the long term effects of this in my SO just from what her ex did long before I ever met her and what happened was out of her control.

@Hopeishe, I hope you can find peace and happiness.

 

@mcgrim: thanks for trying to help @Shinsoo understand...I just want to make one small comment on this sentence / this sentiment -- SO's should not even try to "fix things" by being sexier, giving more sex, giving better sex. That is all flawed thinking.

I am not saying that you are a proponent of that @mcgrim ... I just wanted to reiterate that point.

..

@Shinsoo graciously private messaged me yesterday..and he and I exchanged a handful of good, constructive messages. One thing I shared with him--I want to mention here:
======================
Telling a wife, after they have discovered their husband's hidden porn addiction to "make sex better" .... is akin to telling a battered wife, "learn to become a comedian..make your husband laugh more..maybe find his ticklish spots --- then, he won't beat you"

Do you see how screwed up in the head those words in red are? Would you ever, in your life, give that advice to a battered woman ... to help her help her husband stop hitting her?
======================