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super vagina

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hopeishe, Jul 17, 2018.

  1. overwhelmed & Aware

    overwhelmed & Aware Fapstronaut

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    That is beautiful said!! And hopeful

    I unfortunately (not knowingly have added to the confusion) tried to be sexier,thinner,watched with him ! But I had no idea of the chemistry and psychology of it all. After listening to audio book of
    Your Brain On Porn

    It was.............rough but it brought here
     
  2. Penelope

    Penelope Fapstronaut

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    I'll give you a quick scenario. I have no issues spicing up, role playing, dressing up and what not. I am adventurous and never said no to my man. And yet, the other day, I left for work and it was not even 20 minutes since I have left, I came back to call a taxi since there was no bus. And what do I find? Locked door. Him opening, computer closed. Favorite lube there. His fly open. And bunch of lies on why all that was as it was. No amount of spicing up, being available and doing the best fuckin BJ in the world can do, no amount of fun sex, and believe me I am not a prude at all and have a very high drive. Porn is still stronger. So, yeah, in a normal relationship, with a person that is not dopamine junkie maybe, spicing it up could do. But with the PA no amount of anything we do will help. Read my post @Don't be a dry drunk.
     
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Shinsoo I am floored... shocked, and honestly offended. I am the SO of a PA. I am super adventurous, high sex drive (2-3x/day) and I gave him my all... trust me keeping sex interesting doesn't stop anyone from using their addiction. My husband had the best sex of his life when he met me, I was the most adventurous person he had ever been with. He is super vanilla... I taught him so much, I initiated all the time, I did crazy things I never dreamed of doing, and he was still using. Nothing an SO does sexually will motivate a PA to stop their addiction. The one thing I know affects PA's stopping is when the SO leaves...


    Addiction is an disorder of intimacy. Whether it's alcohol, porn, cutting, anorexia, etc. all of those addictions are because we are incapable of being vulnerable and going to another human to talk and cope. Rather the addict escapes to a thing because they don't know how to be vulnerable and intimate.

    Watch these:





    That is a joke! We women are fucking AMAZING at sex. We know what we are doing, but how can sex be good when the ADDICT IS NUMBED OUT BECAUSE HE USED? How can sex be good when HE trained his brain to get turned on by pixels? How can sex be good when HE doesn't know how to have sex because he learned from a computer. btw... PA's suck at sex, they are robotic, unimaginative, and not present... it's the most detached/degrading sex for an SO.

    If there are any sexual problems, it most likely is because the PA NEVER KNEW HOW TO FUCK IN THE FIRST PLACE. PA's don't know how to be intimate, loving, present. They know how to detach, escape, and be numb and robotic and selfish during sex.

    Again, @TryingHard2Change said it perfectly. Seriously, first off, sex is better than porn any day. If someone thinks porn is better than sex it just shows how sick they are in the mind. All porn offers is numbess, regret, shame, and self-loathing. Sex offers intimacy, love, acceptence, fun, and reality.
     
    Lilla_My, mcgrim, Jennica and 7 others like this.
  4. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    ***SLOW CLAP***
    Thanks Anna for summing it up so well.
     
  5. My wife isn’t very adventurous. But since I quit masturbation and porn I am able to actually enjoy it the way she likes it and listen to what she wants. So sex has been much better for both of us for that reason.
    I can be present and not focused on what I want all the time.
     
  6. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    Was all this really necessary?? I think you had made your point convincingly prior to adding the insults. In my opinion this language detracts from your message.
     
  7. bulmalovesdota

    bulmalovesdota Fapstronaut

    He doesnt give you compliments because he doesn't love you anymore. Sad but true. Porn is a monster. It harms people but it doesn't make him change his heart properly. I was a porn addiction. And i have trouble in sex life (DA) but I can tell you that all my partners ( past and now), they were goddesses to me when we were together. I meant they were so beautiful. Of course they look normal after breaking up. So porn impacts sex life and sex life affect relationship. But if the hearts are still the same, everything can fix.
     
  8. 33ctf6m8pdpq

    33ctf6m8pdpq Fapstronaut

    False. Addiction is a spiritual malady that causes one to self-loath to the extent that self-love (a vital human asset) becomes almost impossible to perform. The guy (PA) is clearly suffering (from something) and his behavior towards his wife (but could honestly be anyone) is just a symptom of that inner struggle. Addicts will do anything — even sacrificing their own lives — just to remain in contact with their "vice" (i.e., porn, alcohol, drugs, etc.). You can't make an addict choose between their vice and their reality (i.e., family, job, responsibilities, etc.) because their vice allows them to escape their reality (i.e., their goal). Telling the woman that he (PA) just doesn't love her anymore is a one dimensional view on addiction.
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2018
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  9. bulmalovesdota

    bulmalovesdota Fapstronaut

    Im not master in this field but I want to tell her that if he doesnt want to save their relationship, she cant do it by her own. It needs two people!
     
  10. 33ctf6m8pdpq

    33ctf6m8pdpq Fapstronaut

    Being in a relationship with an addict is a very arduous, demanding, task — especially if the other person does not suffer/understand the disease of addiction. For the non-addict, it seems like a no-brainer: "just stop doing XYZ!" — "why can't you just stop doing XYZ?" — "it's not that hard!" It's a frustrating cycle to be caught in. I give anyone enduring that type of relationship for the sake of love, credit. To your point, bulmalovesdota, you're right; she can not do it alone and neither can he. She can support him but eventually he will drain her of everything which is basically what it sounds like is happening — and in all fairness, she is allowing this to happen, but I digress. He must be willing to change and he must be willing to engage with outside, like-minded help. She's on here, but where is he? Only then, will their marriage resume some form of normalcy (over time of course).
     
  11. bulmalovesdota

    bulmalovesdota Fapstronaut

    Yes, like what you said, where is he, he needs to be the main character in this journey. He has to love himself, he has to love his partner if he wants to fix his problem with her. The important thing is he need to know P is bad for his life. He has to start reading about P and M, by himself. But he won't do that if he doesnt love his partner. The most important thing in this journey (reboot in relationship) is the love. Love give you power to win the P. If he doesnt love her so he will not think about quiting P in this moment.
     
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Im sorry i was harsh in that... i truly am sorry if i offended. Not ALL addicts are bad in bed but ive heard from many SOs that the sex was emotionless/robotic while they used. I was trying to make the point that SOs often try hard to please in bed while the PA is the problem with their addiction and lack of knowledge of how to have emotionally connected healthy sex
     
  13. Mrs.JDF

    Mrs.JDF New Fapstronaut

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    Numb likes this.
  14. I think it matters if ony because piling on the shame towards people who specifically have difficulty managing shame (related to sex) is not going to help anyone and it creates a hostile atmosphere on the forum which is specifically meant to be a safe place for recovery for both PAs and SOs. It was unnecessarily mean-spirited.
     
    moonesque and Trappist like this.
  15. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    i could hear annaxoxo 's frustration and anger in her paragraph... and i also think is a bit too harsh for PAs in recovery to read it.

    but she already apologized. :)
     
  16. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    Just an update:

    my SO seems serious in upholding his promise (made in front of our parents). He has been to the gym and pray extra prayer before bed time.

    he is also easily annoyed...and a little demanding too.

    but knowing it could be withdrawal effect from dopamine, i'm more relief than frustrated.

    Hopefully this will be permanent.

    ok, im off to kegel-ing!
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  17. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    So I have a question I brought up this thread to my wife about the super vagina process me and my wife are on a miracle reboot of healing married for 33 years had some drama in her life prodigal son arguments ADHD depression meds and me objectifying her for many years and when I didn't get what I wanted I looked at porn and she knew it no excuse on my part and I know that. We love each other very much I just hit a hundred and twenty two days of hardmode pmo I still get anxious about having sex because it is a normal human response I exercise regularly I use a treadmill I do weights and she does the same she still doesn't feel comfortable about doing anything sexual. I'm honoring that to the core of my belief and through my spiritual growth that we've also grown together, we have an abstinence contract in place until the 22nd of December which I make a total of 275 days if we go all the way to make her feel comfortable that the window for sex opportunities will stay closed she has much less of a sex drive than I do and I have a very strong sex drive it is a point of contention amongst us. Question is I'm asking the females of this group I need to completely lay off make sure that she's heels before she's ready right? When do we resume any kind of sexual intimacy or would the right thing to do is on her terms or our mutual agreement? Any thoughts or feelings would be awesome I just like to get a different perspective and I'd like a female perspective thank you very much. Appreciate a response God bless
     
  18. 33ctf6m8pdpq

    33ctf6m8pdpq Fapstronaut

    I'm just going to be straight up with you: It's great that your SO is "going to the gym and praying more" but that is not a recovery program. If he is truly an addict, he needs to be a part of a system that either involves 12 step work, community discussion, group therapy, etc. Doing "healthy" things, like going to the gym is great, but it should not act as a substitute for a real recovery program. Why is he not on these forums again, just curious?
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2018
  19. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    my advice is to start small.
    try kissinh for ten seconds or longer. ;)
     
  20. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    He is not here because he doesn't think it is an addiction.

    (even though he has broken 3 promises within 6 years marriage, lied to my face, and knows it is agaisnt his religion)

    He refuses to watch any anti-porn youtube vids.

    and yada yada blaming external factors, thinking everyone does it, me over reacting bla bla bla.
     

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