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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hopeishe, Jul 17, 2018.
my husband is happy and super loving since yesterday night.
he spent quite some time in bed with me.
Is it because he feels accepted as a whole?
Is it because he can feast his eyes on other women bodies now that i lifted the promise?
I ,on the hand, feel numb and yet im having this unexplainable headache.
I pushes down this unknown feeling and also this acknoledgement that he doesnt care if his usage of other women is hurting me.
I dont want to feel.
and yet i got this head ache, like the one before...in similar situation (allowing him to use porn).
rereading what i just wrote above makes me wanna cry.
Gosh, this dulling throbbing headache
maybe i have to leave the marriage once my start up business is stable...
for my own health.
i cant sleep.
the whole day yesterday i was planning my escape.
i cannot stop having sex with him, even though i dont want to.
he has hit me before. He hit me, dragged me into the bedroom, and the few days later punched me on the shoulder....because i had slept separately in another room before.
no bruises but still...
he had called me bad words such as fucker, stupid idiot.. sigh
i dont want to stir the pot again.
i dont want my sons to get exposed to these kind of behavior.
i dont want to fight anymore. it has affected my elder child...
him screaming and crying uncontrolable.
and my second 3yo son...seemed to developed some addiction to touching his nipple and now sucking his fingers...as a way to cope with his stress i think.
3 years. 3years.
and then i will separate myself to another house.
Divorce for muslim women in my country is hard to get.
I'll be financially independent, and then he can stop "paying" for sex.
the more i read other SOs' journal, the more i think that
women who continue to stay with these PAs are somehow damaged themselves...even before entering a relationship.
we're probably have low self esteem that we continue to stay as codependents/ in a one sided relationship with selfish men.
I can definitely say i was/still am:
- lacked love when i was a kid.
- low self esteem? nahh i was just too kind, too thoughful and too sensitive.
But i was confident enough to go about without makeup and have short hair..
That day my husband asked me what is going on with me?
I said i'm not yet recovered. that i have to create an emotional distance, and ...
as usual, he got angry and unwilling to understand me. He was upset that i could *not* trust him 100% or love him fully.
And yet he is unwilling to help or understand.
Our "how's your day?" is :
-- now both sides would always answer "it's okay"
it used to be always him saying "it's okay". Not being open. Maybe thats how men are: not openly talk about problems or feelings with wives.
Other SOs have worse PAs. Some had gone contacting escorts, some had used webcams...
My husband on the other hand...
well, i dont know. It could be equally worse. i dont know my husband anymore.
I thought he was a Godly and reliable man. But i was wrong. He rarely read the holy book and...we'll see.
See if he continues to go to the gym and extra prayer before bedtime.
He asked what is it that i need so he can help me heal faster...since i mentioned i need help that day...
i said, watch a video to understand (that i need time to trust and heal) -- nope, he wont.
i said i need him to be patience, careful with what he says to me and give me at least three years to heal and trust.
How can i trust him again, after three broken promises and now:
him locking his phone
and him not doing or saying anything similar to this:
"No, i wont seek half naked women or porn because it hurts you...even after you free me from my promise."
How can i trust?
Im avoiding of seeing his parents because i cannot face them
they who pointed their fingers at *me*
when they knew he hit me.
they who said it is a *small* matter.
No wonder my husband feels entitled to behave the way he did.
If you are earning income
if you have no children
if he is just a boyfriend
run. Why stay?
especially when he has assaulted you?
im desperate for my start up to start selling product. I need money fast.
i see a pattern:
1. me taking a drastic step:
separate bedroom, ran away to my mom's house, almost file for divorce
2. he reluctantly agree to stop, and took a step of stopping himself from porn.
such as accountability app, promise in front of parents.
3. he complains and demand things from me, making himself a pain in the ass.
4. i tell him to stop preventive step, and allow him to go back to porn
and the circle repeats itself.
May be it is my mind set that has to change. What book should i read?
I have no desire to dress sexily at home for him anymore.
And since for the longest time, i felt loneliness. My heart was wanting a spouse/bf --- which is *not* my husband.
I focus my mind and heart on my son's music teacher. I have a crush on him. And when my husband and i have sex, i imagine it was him... or any other guy i'm crushing on.
Anything to get my heart off my husband.
I feel ashamed admitting this.
And i also feel trapped staying in this marriage.
It is just soo comfortable to stay. He provides well.
We had a small argument and then i blurbed that i was going to leave him three years later. I also blurbed that i felt forced to have sex with him.
Went into the another room to put baby to sleep...both of us had a short time to cool down.
this time he was calm and open to talk.
He surprised me when he said i dont have to have sex ...if i dont want. We talked some more and
He also told me that he will keep his promise.
hmmm interesting twist.
but when i asked if he had seek sexy half naked women online last monday (a trick i learn from Spot The Lie book), his answer was doubtful. As he took time answering that question.
A short quick no was ideal...but he didnt do that. And followed by that was some grooming/scratching motions on the face area.
Moments later i told him he can tell me the truth.
He was angry. He said why i accused him or lying.
Thing is: i dont think he will agree to being monitored by accountability ohone app.
as i dont have means to validate his trustworthiness, i shall have to continue guard my heart.
But one happy thing was that he suggested we have this kind of talk every week end...if it assures me that he keeps the promised
He went to the gym.
Well you can set your boundaries and consequences. If he doesn't agree to an accountability app.. then what is he hiding? He is not demonstrating that he is emotionally safe and you have every right to protect yourself (whether thats him sleeping on the couch, you distancing yourself, maybe a mini in house separation, who knows). Check out the Boundaries thread in my signature it might help!
Husband couldn't take the coldness anymore. We were not fighting, but i was cold and distant.
He asked what i need.
I told him transparency -- as i can't be sure if he is being truthful.
He asked what about his swear in God's name. I said i dont know who he is anymore. The swear by God's name was just enough for me to go back home and stay married.
And then i proceeded to ask him if he knew why i couldn't access nofap.com. And did he block it?
He lied to both questions.
I told him i know this stuff.
He confessed and said yea he blocked it.
Gaslit by saying he told me yesterday he didnt like it. (which he did not)
I said tell me the truth. Stop lying. sigh.
Ms. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO, and everyone else....
he has agreed to have a accountability app. I told him i won't be his AP. And i *wont* accept our parents as his AP.
Any advice, sis?
Good for you! Stand your ground young lady. Did you write down your boundaries and consequences for him? You really need to do this. And blocking you? Seriously? That was helpful!
He didn't like NoFap .. So he blocked it -- wow, I have not heard that one yet, and I have read through hundreds of stories.
Your husband is in some serious denial and deflection. The fact that he didn't like NoFap -- he needs to take a hard look at why that is. He obviously is uncomfortable with being called on the carpet about his porn addiction ... but he has to realize he is never going to get over it by running away from it and pretending it doesn't exist.
He needs to find someone in real life to tell about the struggle. At a minimum, a counselor or therapist. Best case scenario, he finds a close friend he can Trust ... or a priest or a pastor or someone.
Addiction grows in the dark. If he is able to open up with someone besides you, his wife, it will start to break the chains of this ugly addiction.
And what exactly is a super... vagina?
I'd google it but, you know- nofap.
Read the thread from beginning to end. I think it will become readily apparent.
If i had that much time, i wouldn't pose the question...
I'm not reading 40+ messages
This made me laugh... Out loud.
Hey all... this is my closure - post:
we're divorced now.
July: he made me swore in God's name not to come to this forum.
August: realized our definition of porn is not the same. and also that swearing in God's name is not enough to gain back my full trust.
No steps taken by him to rebuild trust.
my gut feeling told me he went back to porn the night he moved to next room...his excuse: i don't trust him.
I had a sudden despair and knowledge that he was going to watch it that night.
After that week, he suddenly stopped being critical and started to do extra house chores. And even gave me money as a reward for taking care of our hospitalised child.
October -- November:
Bargained again. Asking for mutual agreement but he shot it down. Probably thinking divorce frightens me and so he thought he can have his way.
He started to verbal abuse me. Continued to pressured me to have sex with the pretense that i fully trust him.
Calling me names, insulting and mocking, cursing me in front of the children, accusations and blaming, and yelling to control when i could or couldnt speak.
All this happened even when i was responding in calm and peaceful manner.
I began to read on verbal abuse and narcissism.
Mind blown. All the examples and signs in the books were exactly what i've experience and see in him.. within the seven years of marriage.
Best book on narcissism: Should i stay or should i leave.
Best book on verbal abuse: the verbally abusive relationship
I read that narcissist rarely change.
Nov 10th 2018:
Accusations followed by yelling.
i gave up on staying married. The kids were witnessing the verbal abuse. that made me throw the towel.
Ya know, I'm so sorry this is how your story ends. But it's not. It's how your story begins. You've made the choice because he made his. That is most unfortunate. The narcissism, the gaslighting, and the continued betrayal? That is so destructive to you and your children in so many ways. You're a beautiful woman in body, mind, and spirit. You will persevere.
Sorry it went this way for you. But he made his choice. Maybe someday he’ll realize what he’s lost.
Hope you take care of yourself.
A friend told me divorce was expensive and hard because it is is worth it.
Another said, if you made a mistake,
It’s cheap to remarry.
Great you took the hard decisions,
now may your world heal
and open up for you!