Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Cbelle41, Mar 7, 2018.
Thank you for the birthday wishes, TryingHard2Change and Tryingtoheal!!!
It actually surprised me that people are actually reading my journal here lol.
I'm feeling better today.
A little of my typical fire seems to have reignited and I feel more motivated.
I feel guilty today though.
Last night rob was telling me about his meeting and the new step he has to take
(Step 4: Taking a fearless moral inventory). I was trying to drop my own shit and listen and engage but I fully admit to half assing it. I was too wrapped in my own depression yesterday.
I dont know if he picked up on my half effort, but I worry that he feels slighted. This is important to him and I need to support him and I do. I just phoned it in a bit yesterday.
He did say something about not always feeling like I have to be superwoman though. Which I agree with. I tend to bottle things and just keep going through the motions.
My therapist got back to me, and she said that she would work something out to keep seeing me. She agrees that starting over from the beginning with someone new might be too much for me at this time.
I'm so grateful.
She validated my feelings from yesterday. She liked that I did the best I could to make the best out of feeling lonely. But she also said I needed to acknowledge and allow myself to feel sad and let it go.
She said that someone like me who is an empath and has a caregiver tendency, it tends to hurt me when people dont do the same. She said "I think your birthday was the one day that you'd allow people to take care of you and shower you with affections you give willingly and of course it hurts when it doesn't happen. "
She said I should have let Rob come over and collect my hug. She said it was such a simple need and I need not be ashamed to ask for it.
She said something I need to print out and frame.
"When you constantly diminish your needs and send the message that they aren't important and don't need to be fulfilled, you cant be surprised when people start treating them the same way. "
As shes always said,I will drown myself in "fine". I never want to inconvenience anyone and always feel other peoples problems and situations are more important than mine .
"I'll take care of myself. Im fine. "
Thatll be on my tombstone, lol.
Im glad i am feeling slightly better. I want to tell rob the good news abour lori but i dont wanna text till he does. I want to respect his need for space.
Have you heard of this Enneagram test:
There are 9 types -- this webpage is the best overview I found:
(you can scroll down and mouseover the 9 types....I recommend taking the test--the first link--and then using this website to read over the descriptions...much richer descriptions of the 9 types at that second link)
Not only is it really interesting to discover/read about your personality type/traits, it gives really insightful input about how others should relate to your type, how you best relate to others, etc.
Thank you so much for this!!!
I took the test and this is spot on. Thank you again!!
Type 2: The Helper
Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.
How to Get Along with Me
Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
Share fun times with me.
Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
Let me know that I am important and special to you.
Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
In Intimate Relationships
Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
Reassure me often that you love me.
Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.
What I Like About Being a Two
Being able to relate easily to people and to make friends.
Knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better.
Being generous, caring, and warm.
Being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings.
Being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor.
What's Hard About Being a Two
Not being able to say no.
Having low self-esteem.
Feeling drained from overdoing for others.
Not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish.
Criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should.
Being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them.
Working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings.
Glad you liked it ... It is very revealing AND helpful for yourself and your SO -- share it with him, maybe he'll learn a thing or two.
Long time no update
Things have been ok.
I was in a really deep depressive state for a few weeks there.
I think my 35th birthday kinda felt like a blow, and you kind of reevaluate and I was just feeling sorry for myself.
I was getting increasingly frustrated with Rob, as he just didnt seem to care about me. But as I progressed into a new month I kind of realized it was my own shit.
He just seemed so distant. A hectic schedule and my stress and depression level and a lot of shit happening on his end fueled it all.
I realized I was being a bit selfish. In the past 3 weeks he has been struggling with overcoming his addiction, an accident that left him carless and all the aggravation that comes with that, finding out about his fatty liver,his dad was briefly ill,and on an aspergers brain,its A LOT.
I kind of had to step back and realize I couldn't be the priority even though I felt so alone.
His intention wasnt to shut me out. I know this.
Its one of the weird things that you kind of just have to accept when you're in a relationship with an aspie.
Sometimes he cant prioritize even when he wants to. I have to just kind of get past those feelings of neglect and chalk it up to just a really rough month. I did try to just gently remind him that I am his partner and he doesnt have to shut me out to figure life out. I can do it with him.
My personal moods have regulated.
I had a session with my old therapist and she just gets me. Shes so helpful in helping me organize my emotions and fuel them for positivity.
As far as his addiction,he hasnt been able to attend meetings since he has no car. I cant tell if this stresses him out or not.
He's been so diligent in doing things that keep him away and hes been meditating and I am pretty sure hes still journaling and talking to his AP fairly regularly. So honestly I am not at all worried. I know the meetings help him, but I dont feel not going will derail him. I trust him and the process.
We had kind of an odd situation a few weeks ago.
I was at his place and his mother was over and of course we were gabbing away and he got a phone call. He seemed a bit confused and stepped away...not far...I could still hear him speaking, but was still engaged with his mother and couldn't make out what he was saying.
He then said "well it was nice catching up but I gotta go cause my girlfriend is here"
He came back into the room and he looked a bit flustered.
He said it was a girl he dated years ago that was dialing someone else and called him by mistake. He said "that was the weirdest thing. We couldn't figure out who was the other."
He seemed genuinely confused. I already felt this was an innocent situation. I wasn't at all worried.
He was so flustered because he thought I was going to get mad.
I told him he was projecting. I told them that unless he just made a date to meet up with her I have no concern. I can tell from the context that this really was just a weird chance thing and considering the fact that he had the conversation right in front of me, I'm not really worried.
He had only stepped away because his mother and I were talking and he couldn't hear. Had his mother not been in the room I know that he probably would have had the conversation sitting on the side of me. He stepped away before even realizing who was on the other end.
I don't like that he stresses out whether or not I'm going to be suspicious of something. The truth is I do fully trust him.
When he first came clean with the entirety of his addiction, I told him that my trust was not broken for him but slightly bent. The truth is prior to this I never had any reason to suspect him of anything for any reason. He's as transparent as they come. He Still Remains as transparent as they come. I don't want him to stress out about being afraid to break my trust as long as he is doing the right thing. I don't want him to worry that everything is going to raise suspicions in me.
If I feel suspicious I let him know. When he told me about breaking his habit of scrolling through Facebook photos and I asked for his password and he gave it to me quickly without hesitation and I looked through it and found nothing alarming, that kind of repaired the bend. The other day he was having trouble with an app on his phone and I asked if I could have it to try to fix it and he gave it to me with no hesitation and didn't watch me as I used it. I could have easily gone through his text messages and web browser and didn't because I didn't feel the need to.
So that's something I want to work on. As far as intimacy goes, there haven't been many changes on that front. We haven't had any sexual activity. I decided I'm going to let him be in the driver seat for that situation because I don't want to find myself rejected.
The other night he came over and we spent the day together and went and saw a movie. We came back to my place to snuggle and I didn't pick up on the signals that he wanted to do nude cuddling like I had suggested. It was actually kind of funny looking back on it. He took his shirt off and I rubbed his back as I always do and then he took his pants off. I totally wasn't picking up on the signals LOL. Finally he said"Do you want to take your clothes off and snuggle with me? "
I did. And we just cuddled naked. A little massage but otherwise our typical cuddle session but without clothing.
It was actually really nice. I didn't even really see it as a sexual thing. It felt nice to be skin to skin and that intimate. I don't know if he got an erection, and honestly it doesnt bother me if he didnt. I think it was a good start.
I didnt feel very uncomfortable or self conscious, which is huge.
Although it was dark and we were under blankets,lol.
But I am appreciative that he took the initiative and hopefully we can keep working toward healthy intimacy.
That's all the novel I have for now. I will try and update more often
Had a good talk with Rob last night.
I decided a few weeks ago to not bring up his addiction. I just wanted to give him space to figure himself out a bit and I felt like it was all we talked about. I said we were losing ourselves in this. Before this happened, aside from some communication issues, we never really argued and there wasnt animosity.
Once the dust settled in this addiction situation we found ourselves questioning everything and I think that we had to get back to a place where we remember who we were before this happened. So I decided not to really bring it up and focus on just being us. Last night I went over and he was being really sweet and giving me a foot massage and we were talking and I just asked how he was doing with everything. He said he was doing well and was posting to nofap regularly. I asked how he felt about missing his meetings because of not having his car but he said he felt he was still doing fine. We talked a little bit about boundaries as far as what he needs and needs not to tell me.
He's been working with an accountability partner who is wonderful and his regular practice is telling his wife everything. If he has any kind of sexual fantasy he tells his wife, if he sees a pretty woman and his thoughts runaway a bit he tells his wife.
I highly admire the level of honesty but honestly for me I feel like it's just a breeding ground for suspicion and insecurity.
The difference between rob and this AP was that the AP lied about his addiction for years and hid it. Rob was upfront that he'd had a problem before and when it started again it was only a month or two before he fessed up. And he wasnt doing the same thing as before. It was a small version of it.
He didnt break my trust and violate everything we built.
He didnt cheat.
He didnt go to great lengths to hide it.
He wasnt secretive.
He had just started masturbating again. I just dont feel he needs me to police his thoughts. It's just a little more invasive than I feel is warranted. I trust him. Hes given me no reason not to.
I don't feel I need to tell Rob every thought that goes through my head. If I see an attractive man I don't feel like I need to tell him.
Humans are sexual by nature and we think about it sometimes.
We cant be expected to have a pure mind 100% of the time.
I don't think him seeing a pretty girl in a store or something is cause for a reset of his counter and a discussion between us. Honestly, it would just make me feel insecure about myself. I have no suspicions with him being unfaithful. I basically said if you see an attractive woman, you fantasize and that leads to you fapping or anything further than that even, that's what I need to know.
I dont need to know of every attractive woman he sees in his day.
I see plenty of hot guys. Sometimes I have a quick little fantasy.
I love Rob fully and have no desire to be with anyone else. I trust he feels the same.
If he faps,I wanna know about it. It's not like he'll be in trouble but I want him to be open about it.
I'm glad we talked about it. We've been so good lately and I want to keep the conversation open. It just felt like we were constantly in this vice grip. He seem ed so hesitant and guarded.
I think he was always afraid hed get into trouble.
What a prison that must be.
I dont want our relationship to be that way. Hes doing what he needs to do to help himself and I'm very proud.
On another note....
I am horny as hell lately. There I said it.
I've just wanted to take his clothes off and go for it.
Which is unlike me. I am typically much more on the submissive side.
I dont know how he'd feel about that. I am hesitant to be demonstrative with him.
Or maybe that's what we need to ignite our fire a bit.
I just dont want to be rejected.
Such a weird thing.
Anyway that's it for now.
Late night post.
Rob left a little bit ago. We did more naked cuddling and it was very nice.
Before we started we were talking about our experiences on nofap and somehow got on to the topic of a discussion I had with my therapist about sex. One of the things my therapist has pointed out is that I have a lot of difficulty expressing my needs. As if I'm not entitled to them. She says she feels I have a sense of embarrassment for wanting sexual pleasure as if I don't feel I deserve it. This is pretty dead on. We talked again about how I don't ever initiate sexual contact. She asked if I had made any progress they are and I said no. I told Rob all of this and said that I have always felt more submissive and feel it may be a turn-off to be aggressive and initiate sex. He actually surprised me and said that no it wouldn't turn him off. Since I was a glass of wine or two deep I kind of decided mentally that I was going to give it a try. And I just couldn't do it.
I feel like this particular situation just brings up a lot of stuff. When I got up the nerve to start making out with him a little bit more aggressively he seemed to pull away a bit. It's quite possible this was all in my head.
But I felt myself tensing back up. I tried to push through.
Then the anxiety kicked in.
What if he rejects me.
What if he has ED.
I know its not my fault if he does.
But it still feels a bit like failure on my part if he does. Those feelings dont just go away. It's going to take time for me to push past that.
But theres also a small part of me that wishes he'd realize that he literally has not touched me in a sexual way for a LONG time and maybe take the initiative to take care of me in that sense.
Our sexual encounters shortly before it all stopped and the relapse came to light went like this:
We make out. It gets hot and heavy. He offers himself up first for oral or manual stimulation. It failed in ED. End of encounter.
So really, he hasnt touched me truly sexually since before Thanksgiving of 2017. Possibly even before Halloween. I'm not sure.
So I guess part of me wants him to be like "She deserves a little pleasure now. And I should focus on hers first right now. "
He can't read my mind. And I'm too embarrassed to tell him.
So that's on me I suppose.
I did however tell him I've been horny as hell lately. Even that for me is a stretch.
He texted to tell me he was home safe and I responded :
I'm just gonna say it because its bothering me. I wanted to take things further with you tonight. But its really hard for me to break out of my own shell and initiate. I'm trying. We can talk about it more another time but I had to get it out to get myself accountable. I guess I just have anxiety that you wouldn't be into it. Its not your fault. Its new territory for me that's all. Love you.
He responded and said he appreciated that. I needed to do that to open the line of communication.
I expect his honesty, so it's only fair I be honest as well.
It's just so hard for me. In the act of sex it's easy for me to progress and go with the flow. But telling someone I want it and actually physically taking the steps to do it is a whole other story.
I have some things to work on.
And just as hes making changes to his behavior I guess it's time I do the same.
We haven't talked about what happened the other night other than that text. I dont wanna bombard him and make this a serious thing.
But it's interesting to me.
We focus so much on the PA and their issues.
But it's also making me notice some issues i have sexually that I maybe didnt think anything of.
I clearly have some confidence issues.
It's making me think back to all my sexual encounters with all the men I've been with. (There haven't been many... 5 I think?)
HE had to initiate.
I only took off the clothing required. If I could leave something on, I did. Even if it was just a bra. I usually wear a tank top over my bra and the trick used was taking of the bra but leaving on the tank top and pulling it down past my boobs. That way you get to see what you wanna see but I don't have to show my stomach.
Actually, Rob was the first man I was ever completely naked with.
It also got me thinking to some of our earlier sexual encounters together.
At some point last year I went to his house during the day and without any warning he began to undress me. He pulled out massage oil. Slowly he got me completely naked and then began to give me a full body massage. I kept my eyes shut tight the entire time. When I felt his hands on my stomach I'm pretty sure I winced. I felt my whole body tense up because I felt so self-conscious. But he didn't hesitate. He didn't avoid areas I was uncomfortable with. It was so loving. And even though I was tense, by the end of it I felt wonderful. That moment was kind of a breakthrough for me. Of course we ended up having sex and it was awesome. I felt like I was with somebody who didn't make me feel self-conscious anymore and that as flawed as I was I could still be beautiful and sexual and confident. Whatever flaws I had, he didn't care about them.
That one moment took my guard completely down and I no longer felt like I needed to cover everything up.
And then I remember the moment that changed everything for me.
We were having sex and he lost his erection. Again. I tried not to react but the tension was so thick you couldn't cut it with a chainsaw if you tried. I remember laying back and covering my face with my arms. Trying so hard not to cry over the shame that this man that I loved couldn't have sex with me because it didn't feel good enough to maintain an erection. Finally after a long period of Silence he asked what I was thinking. I told him I was humiliated. I told him that he clearly didn't find me sexually attractive and that I wasn't good enough for him. He got defensive of course as any man would. And then he said the thing that broke all of my confidence: "some parts of you are ....ya know.... large and it's hard to...ya know... do it...." I knew what he meant. It was my stomach. Its too big and got in the way. Looking back I know he said this as a defense mechanism. A deflection. He was ashamed. Of course he was. He had to take the blame off himself in that moment. But...OUCH.
I shot up and I got dressed. Covered up as fast as I possibly could. Got angry. Said "dont worry I wont make you do this again unless I lose 50 lbs" and left.
I sat in my car and cried. Hating myself.
I couldn't drive. I had to just sit there for a moment. The self loathing all came back. Just saying that triggered me. Because now I knew. He saw all my flaws. And it was off putting to him. It made him go soft. I'm too fat to fuck.
He ended up inviting me back in. I took all the blame on myself.
He tried to comfort me and said there were a lot of things happening that contributed to this.
I didnt really know what that meant at the time.
I look back on this. And while what he said still stings and hurts, I can see what he meant. Here's all the factors that I see now:
1. Years of PMO leave his penis desensitized. Death grip, I believe it's called. He needs strong stimulation to come. A V is not going to cut it when you're used to a firm grip from a hand. So that doesnt help.
2. Condoms for most men take down the sensation quite a bit. And I am finding out condoms SUCK for men that are uncut....which Rob is uncut. They dont stay on properly and he was getting anxious it would come off (it did during a previous encounter with me...resulting in a pregnancy scare ) and plus it didnt allow for foreskin to move which was also uncomfortable. So that all didn't help either.
3. Before I say this.... I am going to make it clear that I have NO problem with his "size".... but..... while he has some girth, he doesn't have a ton of length. It's pretty much average, but on the shorter side of average. And yes, I have a large belly. So that can make things difficult. Not all positions are possible for us. As much as it hurt to hear him say it.... he was right. It is what it is.
4. Obviously his anxiety over his own PIED was a huge factor here as well. Men are under a lot of pressure to sexually perform and sometimes the parts just dont work the right way. That sucks. I think even a man without PIED would have some level of anxiety each time. So this is icing on the cake.
In all, that night was a perfect storm of issues and it all came raining down on us at once. Its not his fault.
Looking back I can see that this wasnt all my fault, either.
But...I noticed that since then.... I went back to covering up. Even during the nude cuddling. I use the blankets. I position myself in the most flattering way possible. I remove my clothing under the blankets. The room is dark. I wait until his back is turned and hes putting on his own clothes to put mine back on. With my back turned to him,of course.
This is the stuff I have to work past.
I need to find my confidence again. I have to feel comfortable with myself again. He knows what my body looks like and I need to let down the barrier.
It's not going to be easy but damnit I'm gonna try.
Amazing weekend sprinkled with heartache.
To get the bad stuff out of the way, my uncle passed this weekend. He was 70.
He was truly an awesome guy. A larger than life personality with a laugh to match that you could hear from miles away. It was kind of a blow to me.
He was placed in hospice a month ago for deteriorating alzheimers. Very quick deterioration.
It was sad to see him decline so fast...but I find comfort in knowing hes no longer a prisoner in his own body.
A shell of who he was is no life.
Rob spent the weekend at my place.
We did a lot of snuggling. A lot of talking. A lot of joking around. We needed this. It was just us again with no bullshit. He was so attentive and sweet. Saturday I just wanted to go to the ocean. It's the only place my thoughts only come one at a time as opposed to 200 at a time. There's a specific place in my state that i call my "happy place". It's a lighthouse and state park and it's just a small peninsula rock formation but it's a truly breathtaking view of the ocean. I typically just go there and sit on a rock and zen out for a few hours. We originally wanted to go there, but the traffic was going to be nuts so we settled on another park on the other side of the state.
That place was loud with a lot of barbeques and parties and Rob could tell I wasnt getting the "zen" i so desperately needed. So he insisted we go to our original destination even though it was another hour away. Little things like that are so big to me. He didnt care about the traffic or long drive. He recognized a need I had to relax and made it happen. Without complaint. We sat there for a good hour or two and I felt so good. Afterward we had dinner by the water and came back to my place and went straight to sleep. Before we went to sleep on Friday we did get a bit frisky. No sex but I can proudly say I did initiate a little foreplay. It took me awhile to get there but I finally got up the nerve to go for "it". Lol
He maintained an erection for quite some time and I was gentle. I made sure to use light touches and not grip hard. I'm sure at points he wanted me to apply more pressure but I really want us to work on retraining his Sensations. I kind of felt it fade a bit so I continued to kiss him and told him we could take a break. I didn't feel defeated and I didn't take blame on myself for the fact that we couldn't finish him off. That alone is big for me. Of course I would have been very happy to have been able to have it be successful but we were very intimate through it and that was what was more important. And, not going to lie but I kind of wish that he would have taken that as a cue to turn the tables on me and maybe work on stimulating me a bit, but it was extremely late and we haven't really talked about that issue I have so I can't really fault him. This is where the Asperger's can come into play with the long-standing damage of a lifetime of P abuse. He can't read my mind, and he's so focused on what's happening with him that he has kind of forgotten that I am in this relationship too and have sexual needs as he does. But we're going to work on one thing at a time and I count this entire weekend as a complete win. I was proud to have initiated something even if it was small.
We even started talking about "future" stuff again, where we haven't in while. Stuff like apartments we want or future kids names. It felt so good to be "us" again.
I hope he felt the weekend was a win as well and even though we didnt go all the way sexually I hope he recognized the initiative and also that I didnt blame myself when he couldn't achieve O.
I know this is a long road and its going to be a slow progression but I suppose that's how it should be.
You cant reverse 20 years of shit in a week. I'm willing to work through this with him and proud of our progress thus far.
That's all for now.... take care of yourselves!
"I bow down to pray
Try to make the worst seem better
Lord show me the way
To cut through all this worn out leather
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
but baby I just need one good to stay"
-lady gaga. Aka my song stalk of the day.
Heard it 3 separate times today.
It's been a long hard week.
My uncle passing hit me a bit harder than I thought it would. Everyone keeps telling me I remind them of him and it makes me sad he wont be around.
It just reminds me that my family is getting older, and slowly their lives are ending.
My moms only a few years younger than him.
Just a cold slam of reality.
Also dealing with some work stress and the endless cycle of trying to get things done as well as preserve myself.
Today was particularly tough as I was forced to sink $600 in car repairs.
I am desperately trying to get out of debt so Rob and I can move and get a place together and I dont want to do that with this debt. But every single time I start to make a dent I get thrown 20 steps back.
Its frustrating. I'm working and trying so hard.
But my theme of this year is: Find the blessings.
Whenever something happens that is upsetting I try and stop myself and find my blessings.
1. I had the money in my account. Sure, it was my savings so I could pay something off,but I HAD it. I didnt have to scrape or borrow or open a credit card.
2. I have a job that can sustain that bill. Last year I got laid off and alllllll my security went out the window.
I am so grateful to have this job.
3. I had an AWESOME night at work.
I had one customer who I spoke to for a good 45 minutes. She was leaving and asked me where the lindt chocolate store was. I directed her and said, jokingly, "bring me back something good!" And she came back 20 minutes later with a giant bag of candy. I got silly and handed them out to every customer like I was willy Wonka or something. It was so nice of her to do that. It felt great to brighten everyone else's day.
4. I had another customer who had an extraordinary story of having had a horrible illness and got better and now she performs random acts of kindness to thank the Lord for what he blessed her with. She gave me such a good perspective. I needed to meet her tonight.
I needed that reminder that the small stuff doesn't matter.
5. Rob has been great this week. I'm not sure if he went to his meeting or not but I dont want to press him. I'm sure it will come up.
Hopefully this week calms down and I can keep my perspective. Tomorrow I have the services for my uncle and then I can relax for the weekend. I think I've earned a good crash day.
The weekend was pretty good considering the factors involved.
Had my uncles services on Friday. Some family drama as to be expected, but not bad in comparison to past deaths.
Robs uncle by marriage also passed last week, and he had to attend those services on Saturday.
I invited him to my uncles, because hes met most of my family already and they'd have loved to see him, but the timing just wasnt right and he wasnt going to get back to the area from work in time and I certainly didnt want him to leave early (his job doesnt really allow that )or rush.
He came back from HIS uncles services and said his family was asking for me and he felt bad he didn't think to invite me. This is definitely an aspie thing.... to compute what should have been done after the fact. But honestly I was more than ok with the non invite. His family doesnt get together like mine, so it felt inappropriate to meet them on an occasion like a funeral. No harm no foul.
Over the weekend... we got a bit sexual again. Started with the nude cuddling...which I'm getting much better at !
Its funny how much I'm realizing I needed these activities as much as he did. I clearly have some body confidence issues sexually and this is helping.
Anyway, he finally took the initiative to pleasure me a bit with his hands. It took a while for him to get started but he did go for it. I resisted all urges to fake an O. I considered it just to keep his confidence up but I realized that wouldn't benefit us. I did however guide him a bit like I had told him I would back when I confessed I was faking. But I just knew it wasn't going to happen eventually, so I began working on him.
And then it happend...and it wasnt a long process.
Something funny happened.... *TRIGGER WARNING?!*
I was stimulating him with my hand...and kissing his neck and chest and I asked if this was good and he said "yeah just stop kissing me" and of course,he O'd shortly after.
The kissing was distracting to him and causing some aspie sensory issues. Lol. I didnt take offense. Since I use such light touches, his erection can disappear at any point as we work toward his death grip issue...so it makes sense that he would need to kind of focus on what's happening with his P in order to O. Still funny looking back.
But yeah....finally a somewhat successful sexual encounter. Felt pretty good to have that happen. We still have a long way to go. But this was a good start.
We spent all of Sunday together and it was really nice. Then last night hed forgotten his hose from him CPAP and came back and I cooked him dinner.
Hes been much more touchy feely.
Hes always been physically affectionate, but lately its been bit more flirtatious.
So all good things.
Until next time!
@Cbelle41 - your journal is such a refreshing read!!! you seem to be doing so well... I know it's not easy - but you are doing well! you both appear to be working through your own issues openly. you communicate amazingly well IMO. you, in particular, are so focused and compassionate and caring - Rob is a very lucky man.
Thanks for bringing some much needed sunshine to my day!!! (and I'm sure many others as well!)
@phuck-porn! Wow. Thank you so much for that.
I care about rob very much and care about making this work and I understand him and try my best to remain patient. (Trust me... I have my moments where i am anything but) but he teaches me a lot about myself as well. I feel communication is the only way through anything. We argue and bicker sometimes and 9/10 times, an argument is a direct result of a miscommunication.
Again, I appreciate you taking the time to write such kind words. ❤
Tonight I am grateful.
I've been perusing the forums more than usual and gaining some great insight. Its pretty awesome that people can come together and talk about this..PA'S can get an SO's perspective and vice versa.
There was a post about a PA struggling with whether to tell his SO about his reboot. Wondering if he can do it without telling her. I was happy to see just about every comment saying he has to for his own recovery AND hers.
It made me really happy to see everyone come together and give this guy advice on what to do and what to say and how to say it in the possible repercussions, as well as the possible strength that could be formed because of his full disclosure and honesty.
Where are the Gratitude comes in, is looking back on the experience I had with my SO coming clean about what was happening and how deep it once was. I wonder if he made a similar post to the one I saw today and everyone rallied to help him be honest. Of course, we would like to think that he did this all of his own free will and then he knew exactly what to do but the fact of the matter is with this situation an addict doesn't always know the best way to approach it because they are so consumed with fixing their problem. I mentioned the post to Rob not knowing if he had seen it or not. Since we don't know each other's names on here it's kind of awkward thinking that he could be reading the things that I'm commenting and vice versa. I don't really care if you read everything I say on my end, but I do want him to retain some shred of privacy in regards to this because I feel it's important for him to express himself freely. I told him what I commented, and he said that it was good advice. I told him that I went by what I wanted when this all happened.
After he left, I reflected on our situation and I realize how right he did everything. He gave me all the information I wanted, he didn't wait until it was level it was years before he met me to come clean. He saw the pattern developing and stopped it. I continue to be immensely proud of him for this. It would be so easy for him to say " well it's not as bad as it was before so I can keep doing what I'm doing."
He's been incredibly transparent since, is willing to talk about whatever concerns that I have, is willing to give full disclosure on anything I ask, and I actually do feel like I can trust him. I've actually never really completely lost trust for him. But still, I have to be grateful for how serious he was about starting this journey. He never got defensive or try to justify his actions. He laid them all out on the table and said this is what you are dealing with. I know a lot of significant others don't get this and I have to acknowledge how lucky I was in this situation. As long as he continues to do these things I am happy to support him.
**** Trigger warning*****
***** This is just me thinking out loud,but it did end up having some sexual content so... read cautiously.... *****
I've been thinking a lot about my ex.
Not in a loving "I want him back" kind of way.
By ANY means.
But lately I've been thinking a lot about the fact that he too, might have been a porn addict. He was definitely a sex addict.
Honestly up until all this went down with Rob,I just viewed porn and masturbating as something guys just do. My ex (we will just call him Nate) watched porn sometimes, he was open about it. I never really thought much of it. I didn't see how much it interfered with our sex life because I took the blame on myself. I didnt see that it was what compelled him to have sex with other women, because I took the blame on myself.
Now I look back and see the red flags.
I had sex with Nate whenever he wanted it. Even if I didnt. I was so afraid he'd cheat if I didnt. I tried almost everything he wanted to try. I didnt like a lot of it.
For example...anal.... never again. It was so painful. But you know what's funny?I kinda understand the appeal of anal now since I always found it disgusting. Its tighter. A masturbation addict finds this appealing because of the death grip. Boom.
He was highly disappointed that I couldn't handle the anal. He said I was a prude.
He always wanted to cum on my face or boobs. I never let him do that as I found it degrading. He was upset with me for it. But when a guys been watching porn for years.... that's the money shot. Again, I was labeled a prude.
He wanted to tie me up... and that I allowed. Once we got into it, i felt incredibly uncomfortable and did NOT trust him enough to do that with him. I started to cry. It felt like I was being raped even though I consented to this...just had no idea how I would feel once it started. He was incredibly disappointed,again. Said all I wanted was "vanilla sex ". I'm no prude. I enjoy sex. And I'm willing to "spice it up". Just not with someone I dont trust. And I DEFINITELY never trusted him. I was certain he would cheat on me. Find a girl willing to do these things. He was trying to make me the girl he loved in life as well as the girl he watched in porn and i just didnt fit the bill.
Of course,he didnt say that. He said i was disgusting, and fat. That he only fucked me because he had to. Because if we didnt have sex we were just roommates. He completely separated us sexually and romantically. Even with all the abuse, i know he loved me. Odd as that may seem. His perception of love and sex was just fucked beyond repair. I accused him of being a sex addict and that prompted the biggest and most physical fight we ever had.
I caught him cheating multiple times. Every time he always said "You're who i make love to and who i love. Shes who i fuck. But theres things I wanna do and you wont do them"
I bought that for years. I took the blame.
And i also know it wasnt a complete lie.
He was an addict. Those girls fed the addiction.
The cheating continued, the abuse (sexual, emotional and physical) continued until I finally got my "ten minutes of strength ) and left him.
My PTSD manifests itself in a lot of ways.
I know that one way is my assumption that I'm no good in bed. I hesitate. I dont actively participate. I dont initiate. I just basically lie there and let him do what he wants because that's what I've been conditioned to do.
Rob wanted to cum on my boobs. (Before the full porn addict situation was revealed)
I said he could...reluctantly... but he never did. I guess I consented because I thought this was just part of sex and maybe a fetish. It's not. Its something men see in porn and want to mimic.
I almost look back on that fondly lol
He respected me too much to do it even though I consented.
Robs never been forceful or asked me to do anything I dont wanna do. It's kinda funny... I kinda wish he'd just GO for it at times. But hes always been respectful and gentle. I appreciate that more.
Funny how things change. It's also funny that even though Rob and Nate couldn't possibly be more opposite, they have the same problem. Dealt with in completely different ways. Manifested in completely different ways.
Rob doesnt have an abusive bone in his body. Which is probably why I am so willing to support him. I am so grateful for him. Even with this problem.
My therapist has been talking a lot about forgiveness. At first I thought she meant Rob... and I was reluctant to agree. Rob was honest and upfront and we are working on his issues together. I don't feel victimized. My therapist said "I dont mean Rob. I mean Nate. You have to forgive him so you can move on"
That I can agree with.
That is what I'm working on.
I will work on my PTSD while he works on his PA.
"I got issues...you got em too... give em all to me and I'll give mine to you..." hahaha
So, I think this will be my last entry here.
I am deleting my account.
Things have been so good.
We've been working so well together, getting along, no issues no fights, had some amazing conversations,planned a 2 year anniversary trip, talked about marriage and children and what we needed to do to get there.
Its honestly been amazing.
Then today I was browsing posts. I saw one and clicked on it. I scrolled through,read some comments. I see a name that looks vaguely familiar.
"I can relate to this. Some days I feel overwhelming feelings of love for my girlfriend and other days I feel nothing"
I realize its Rob.
It took EVERYTHING I had not to look at his page. It took everything I had not to see what else hes said. Reminded myself that I made the choice not to read his journal. That he needs a place to talk. At the beginning of this I demanded his username and he told me but I of course didnt remember the number sequence. I just knew it was "Robby____". We've never crossed paths before this except for one time when he found my journal and only read one entry.
I went back to the comment and it stared back at me.
"Other days I feel nothing"
I looked for context. The post rob quoted said something about how an addict will disassociate their spouse or somehow make themselves see her as unappealing to allow PMO thoughts to take over. To give justification, if you will.
I understand this. And I have to understand that it doesnt mean I am undesirable and doesnt really have anything to do with me.
"Other days I feel nothing. "
"Other days... I feel nothing. "
I cant get that out of my head.
I love him every day.
Sure there might be days hes getting on my nerves, that I have small doubts. But my feelings of love occur daily.
There are no days that I feel nothing.
Am I a fool? Am I doing all this work for someone who will never reciprocate my love? Am I fighting a losing battle?
I'm talking to a therapist. I'm journaling. I'm researching. I am working around his aspie issues on top of his PA issues. I work every single day to make this work because I love him every single day.
And some days,he feels nothing. That's what I get.
Am I just reading too deeply into this?
Is this my own anxiety taking over?
I wasnt supposed to see this. You know what they say..when you poke your nose where it doesnt belong you see things you don't wanna see. But I was really just browsing the site because I find it helpful to see what other PAs go through. To understand the mindset better. To understand the addiction better since I made the choice not to read his. I knew nothing about this before him, and my therapist doesnt have much experience with specifically porn addiction. So I'm really going into this blindly.
It just hurts. It was such a slap to my face.
" Other days I feel nothing. "
Rob texted me only a few minutes later asking if I wanted to have dinner with his parents. I lied. I've never lied to him.
I told him I didnt know what time I'd be out of work.
I just couldn't face the idea of putting on the show for the parents all the while feeling like I am less than shit.
I haven't decided whether or not to tell him.
I know I probably should. I expect his honesty and should do the same.
But I also dont want him to feel violated or wonder if I read his whole journal and trust that I in fact didnt. And its possible I read something out of context and I am truly reading too deep.
I start calming myself with this..
And then there it is again...
"Other days I feel nothing."
I'm really at odds.
But I do know that that us sharing the same webspace and not expecting to run into each other is probably not going to work. This was inevitable.
So I have to find my support elsewhere and let him stay.
I appreciate all support I've gotten here more than you know.
I hope you all continued success.
You will be missed.
I hate to see you go, but I understand if you feel that is what you need to do.
One question...could this be an aspect of his asperger's and it's not personal?