Healing together

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Cbelle41, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Hi there
    I'm new to all of this so forgive me for being a newbie.
    I decided to start a journal here because I am in a relationship with a PA.
    We met about 2 years ago on match.
    I was single for many years before trying as I was in a horribly abusive relationship for a few years and was treated for PTSD, depression and suicidal thoughts. I needed to be single for some time and finally felt ready to love again.
    Rob was refreshingly honest and forthright. He was sweet and gentle with me and understanding. I felt incredibly comfortable around him. He made me feel beautiful again. Desirable. Like I was no longer broken. I was honest with him about my past. He was honest with me about his.
    I found out about 3 weeks in that he had aspergers. This was a unique situation.
    I did a lot of research on the topic and learned how to read him and understand him better.
    It didn't seem to affect much day to day. I had to be really specific with him about my feelings and if I was upset I had to spell it out. Most men aren't mind readers and he was perfect example of that. We struggled with little things but nothing big. We had fun together and we had great conversation.
    He didn't date much before me. Hed never really had a long term relationship. He'd never even had intercourse. He was terrified of catching an std or getting someone pregnant and just never did it.
    Our sex life was foreplay activities. He confessed that he no longer M'd.... And that in the past he had a problem with doing it excessively and made the decision to stop altogether.
    It made me a bit apprehensive but I felt the issue was gone and that he was recovered. he was as open as he could have been at that point in our relationship. I continued with him. I had fallen in love with him and vice versa. It seemed like something that wouldn'tbe too much of an issue. I mean...come on! All guys M, right ? All guys watch P, right ? I found a guy that didn't do any of that shit. A rare gem.
    At first, he couldn't get enough of me. He was insanely attracted to me and it felt good.
    I did pick up on a few things, though.
    One, he didn't seem to make the connection that sex is supposed to be an extension of love. That it was a physical manifestation of it. His goal was to O, and he had VERY specific ways he needed to be stimulated to get there. And he had no trouble telling me what he needed. Instructing me, actually.
    *hindsight*: the separation of sexual love and the goal of O common in someone who has had most of their sexual experience be in the form of PMO . Also, this could have been an aspie thing combined. Aspies often have trouble with emotional expression. Makes sense.
    I noticed right away that he needed strong stimulation. If we were doing a HJ, he wanted my grip to he TIGHT, which was unusual for me.
    *hindsight*: death grip caused by desensitization from excessive M
    When it came to oral, he wanted it from me but didn't reciprocate.
    I could tell he didn't do it much before.
    He told me that I tasted "off" and that hurt me.
    I am extremely hygienic so that was weird to me. I decided this was some sensory aspie stuff. He did continue to make effort though. That was nice to me, because he cared enough to make sure I wasn't feeling neglected.
    *hindsight*:I still believe this was an aspie thing. And also a lack of experience thing.
    And then we tried intercourse.
    I was touched that he trusted me with this first experience. He went limp and I wasn't upset. Of course he'd be nervous.
    We tried it again and it was successful.
    Then he went limp again.
    And again.
    And then again.
    And I just started getting upset. I took the blame on myself and projected my own insecurities onto him. Convinced my weight ( I'm overweight) disgusted him and that I wasn't good in bed.
    He somewhat confirmed this. My weight made it hard for him to get into certain positions.
    I heard this as "you're too fat to fuck "
    This is a mix of my own insecurity coupled with an obvious defensive attitude on his part.
    *hindsight*: the dude has been desensitized by excessive M and can only O with a lot of pressure. What made me think a V would satisfy him? Obviously I'm no loosey goosey, but it makes sense. He'll need to abstain from M and kind of "retrain" his genitals.
    From then on,the pressure was high and every encounter felt like a test as to whether we could actually do this.
    Sometimes it was successful and sometimes it wasn't. And when it wasn't, I took the blame on myself. It was all m fault. He must not be attracted to me. He must just love me for my personality and tries to be sexual as an obligation. I started feeling awful about myself.
    The tension continued to build. We didn't touch each other for 6 months. I didnt say anything because i didnt want him to get defensive, but inside I just felt unwanted and undesired.
    *hindsight *: his impotence and shame associated with it caused him to desexualize me. I read about it on a few sites that this is something guys do even subconsciously.
    And finally he tried again.
    And he went limp.
    And I lost my shit.
    Told him if he didn't find me desirable to just let me go and find someone who "did it for him ", asked if he was getting his urges satisfied by another woman ( I've never had any reason to believe he was cheating. He's as transparent as they come)
    A few weeks prior he was in the shower and I decided to Google something on his laptop.
    He's never been defensive over his phone or computer. He's never been nervous I would look through it or anything. Again...this guy has always been transparent.
    But I started a Google search and suggestive text popped up.
    "French bikini women"
    Honestly, I didn't think much of it. It told me that he was probably M'g again, but it didn't worry me. I'm not naive. I know guys M. I know guys look at P. And while I knew his history, I wasn't nervous. This is pretty damn tame in comparison to what most women find on their SO'S history. But I wondered if he had started a new habit and just hadn't gotten that deep into P yet.

    So here we were,another failed attempt at sex and I'm sobbing and convinced it's all my fault.
    He confessed he had fallen Back into an M habit. I told him I figured as much.
    He said it started with times we were together making out and I would have to leave as it was a late night, and he would "fap" to relieve his erection. He convincedhimself it was ok because he was thinking about me.
    Then he started doing it regularly without me even been present at any time that day. He wasn't watching any P, or chatting online, the Google searches I found were the extent of it. But he agreed this, combined with performance anxiety was the source of his ED.
    He agreed to go back to nofap, which had taken him out of the habit before.
    We had a long talk about how I felt and how he felt.
    Yesterday he decided to come clean and tell me what he was actually doing online 4 years ago when he originally quit M'ing. He wanted to be honest with me and tell me the whole truth.
    His online activity was pretty fucked up. My worst nightmare,actually.
    Not so much P, but online chat.

    I freaked out and felt so alone as I didn't think I'd have anyone to talk to about this. I had all but decided that this relationship had to end, that I couldn't take the risk.
    He referred me to another nofap member and we exchanged messages.
    I also called my best friend of 25+ years, who also had a history of PMO. He was the perfect person to speak to.
    He told me that I didn't need to worry about Robs online chat activities bleeding into real life. That there's a separation between what worked for him in that context and what he wanted in real life
    This made sense to me. He's never shown interest in it before and I never suspected anything.
    People use addiction to soothe. You go back to what's familiar and routine and later in life you may not realize right away that it's no longer acceptable.
    We had a long talk and i felt better and no longer threatened.
    But now I had to talk to Rob.
    He didn't want to at first because he felt "drained" and I'm sure he figured that this was gonna be the breakup. I pushed him and almost begged. I had to see him and touch him and I needed to be in his energy field to have a real conversation.
    When he got to my house i told him to get out of the car. I hugged him so tight and told him "you're still you". Reminding him and myself.
    I looked at his face. It was a look of true despair and shame. It took a lot out of him to tell me all this. It took a lot out of me to hear it. But we had to discuss it and he had to hear me.
    We talked for two hours. We explored some of the reasons why he got into this in the first place. It struck a nerve and he cried. I learned that he was basically shunned from his school because he was bullied so badly. There were other factors here as well.
    Rob didn't have it easy growing up. His aspergers wasn't even diagnosed till his late 20s so most of his life was just him knowing he was different and not knowing why or how to deal with it.
    These issues and his isolation as a teen created a perfect storm. This was no predator. This was a guy who got into some bad shit and didn't make the connection till it was too late.
    I was proud of him for coming clean even though he didn't have to and hadn't gotten "caught ". He loves me enough to tell me the whole story so I know exactly what is going on and what I'm dealing with.
    So now we begin to work and heal.
    He's agreed to go to SA meetings.
    Originally he wanted me to go with him but this is his fight. He has to do it himself and I don't want him becoming dependent on me for his reecovery.
    I did agree to attend couples counseling.
    We will start that soon as well.


    I decided I don't want to know Robs username on here. This is part of his recovery and I want him to be able to speak freely, I didn't want to know what he's saying about me as I know I'd develop a compulsive habit of checking it and I also didn't want him tailoring his posts knowing I could be reading it. Besides, he's been so transparent and the fact that he told me about all this is a huge testament to the fact that he wants real help with this and wants to change. Actually, he already changed long ago. What he wants is the help to insure that it truly never happens again.
    He's agreed that I have full access any time to read text messages and web history. I wouldn't tell him when I was going to do it, but it could happen at any time.
    I don't want to turn into that girlfriend that obsessively checks on everything he does, but the fact is that my trust isn't totally broken, but it is bent. These are the consequences. If I see a blank or spotty history , that's a big red flag.
    He also knows that if I see any behavior I feel is inappropriate or suggests he might be up to anything, it's over.
    No exception.
    I've had a lot of people in my life struggle with addiction of all kinds. I know not to be am enabler. There is nothing I won't do to help him, but there is nothing I will do to help him be the way he was.
    I love him deeply and I believe his intent is good.


    He decided to go into "hard mode " for 30 days and revisit then.
    While i have a typical and normal and non consuming relationship with M, I decided I would abstain as well. Doesn't really do much since I only M mayyybe once or twice a month. But I figure, solidarity.
    I posted here because I thought journaling to an audience of people in a similar boat might help me. He doesn't know my username on here either.

    So that's it for now. (Ha, I wrote a damn novel )
    Talk soon
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
  2. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Song stalking.
    It happens to me all the time.
    You hear a song that isn't exactly a top 40 hit. Maybe in a store. Then again in the car. Then again on one of those steaming services.
    I realized long ago that when this happens to me, I need to pay attention to the lyrics because they're for me. Some cosmic force makes sure to keep the song coming around so that I stop and listen.
    Here are my most recent ones.

    1. All of me by John Legend.
    Heard it in the car on the way to work last week, and that day it kept popping up
    Heard it on the muzak outside my store i work in a mall. Heard the tail end of it in the car on the way home. Heard it in a store I was shopping at after work.
    Then went on fb and a friend posted some of the lyrics.
    "Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts.
    Risking it all, though it's hard. Cause all of me loves all of you
    Love your curves and all your edges
    All your perfect imperfections
    Give your all to me
    I'll give my all to you"

    I didn't really feel like this spoke to me at the time. But hindsight being 20/20... It was clearly a bit of foreshadowing and a bit of reassurance that I needed.

    The day Rob came completely clean, I was driving , completely distraught and I said out loud "God, show me a sign that you're here and watching me and send me something I need to know. "
    Then this song came on next on the radio.
    I always disliked it and felt it was cheesy. Not knowing it was a message for me, I switched the station.
    It was on ANOTHER STATION .
    This song hasn't been popular in years.
    Bryan Adams: Everything i Do.
    Look into my eyes
    You will find
    There's nothing left to hide
    So take me as I am
    Take my life
    I will give it all
    I will sacrifice

    Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for "
    And then this one....This one is one that always finds me when I need it. I hated it when it first came out and it came on at a time when I was really struggling and needed strength when I left my abusive relationship. It actually came on the radio the night I left my ex just as i turned on the car and I turned it up LOUD and really listened. The universe likes to pop This song back on when I need it and now I take it as a sign i am on the right track.
    This morning I put on the radio for my dog( don't judge me lol) and there it was.
    Thanks for the reminder, Universe.
    Jimmy Eat World: The middle
    Hey
    Don't write yourself off yet
    It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
    Just try your best
    Try everything you can
    And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

    It just takes some time
    Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
    Everything, everything will be just fine
    Everything, everything will be all right

     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2018
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  3. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday was ok.
    My anxiety was in overdrive because of snow.
    I have the worst anxiety about driving in snow. It's really obnoxious. I stress and obsess about it leading up, obsessively check news reports and if I know I have no choice but to drive in it panic the whole way.
    I wish I was one of those people who didn't worry about it and I feel like such a big baby. But I can't help it.
    One thing that helps is calling Rob on my bluetooth. I find if I have someone to talk too while I'm driving I won't focus so much on my anxiety. He always humors me. It's one of those things that are probably small to him but mean a lot to me.
    He can sense when my anxiety is in overdrive always does his best to remind me that what's happening isn't a catastrophe.
    I was up all night fully convinced the wind and heavy snow was going to take down a tree and land on my house. It was incredibly loud and I couldn't settle. So of course I kept texting and complaining and he didn't get annoyed with me.
    I was even annoying myself, lol... so that's a big point on his end.

    He's working on finding a SA meeting. He found one last night but it was full so he's going to try another one this week . I'm proud to see the effort on his part.
    When we talked the other night I had told him that he couldn't sleep on this. He had to start taking action immediately. He has a tendency to put things off, especially when it's new or he may not want to admit he doesn't know how to go about it.
    I offered to go to his first meeting with him, but told him in general the meetings would he his alone.
    But I'm glad to see he's taking this seriously.

    I have to make sure I don't turn our relationship into a codependency when it comes to stuff like this.

    At any rate, off to shovel out my car and get myself to work.
     
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  4. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I'm pretty damn proud tonight.
    Rob went to a SAA meeting.
    Found it, planned for it,showed up EARLY (which is HUGE for him....he's almost always late) and came out inspired and excited to keep going and get motivated.
    I was so happy for him. And myself. Him admitting he needed the help was big, and actually going through the steps in his own was even bigger.

    I guess it runs similar to AA. It's a 12 step program and you have to do certain tasks to get to each one.
    I'm interested to see how it works.
    He met a guy who said something about not focusing on how you got to be an addict. That you didn't need to.
    I have to say I disagree to some extent. Finding out about Rob's past actually helped me to understand his addiction in the first place. Rob was seeking attention that he wasn't getting from his peers. He was basically ignored in school by girls as well as boys and he was craving camaraderie and connection. Somehow online he was able to find it and probably tap into a bit of his guy stuff where he could win a girl over. And there was probably some sense of empowerment when both people chatting had a successful M session . I think that's why he gravitated more towards chats. He was making connection with somebody and even though he probably felt ashamed and knew it wasn't filling that void, at the time it always seems like that's what was needed.
    I think this guy was more trying to get the point across that doesn't matter how you got here, it just matters how you get out of here. Still, I feel it's important to be able to reference where the addiction might have originated and what feelings brought it about.

    Since I've never been a hard-core Drinker or a drug user, the only thing I can relate it to is food addiction. I never really considered myself a food addict, but clearly since I am overweight I have issues with it. For years I've journaled and with the help of a therapist that I became very close to I kind of pinpointed the reason why I gained the weight in the first place. I was always a little chubbier than I should have been even as a kid, but the real weight problem didn't start until later.
    In my relationship with my ex, which was highly abusive, I really put on a lot of weight. I now realize that I was doing that subconsciously to make myself less attractive to him. To build a wall to protect myself. I think subconsciously I wanted to make myself less attractive and desirable to him so that he would leave me because I didn't think I had the strength to do it myself. After the relationship was over, I simply didn't care about myself and felt I didn't deserve to feel healthy or attractive at all. I was still busy building a wall. There were Cycles associated with it as well. You feel bad about yourself or life in general, you punish yourself with bad food, you feel guilty about it, lather, rinse, repeat . Now, I am feeling much better about myself as a human being and know that I am worthy of love, especially from myself. Only problem is, weight is a lot harder to take off than it is to take on. I joined Weight Watchers about six months back and so far I've been successful and feel it fits into my lifestyle. I don't need to use food as a shield anymore. I feel healthier, I sleep better, and I am more motivated.
    I know a Weight Watchers meeting is nothing compared to any sex addicts anonymous meeting, but I can see some parallels. When I first joined I was encouraged to make a list of reasons why I wanted to lose the weight once and for all. I sat down and wrote 100 reasons. Some days when I'm not feeling quite as motivated or I feel that I am a hamster on a wheel, I like to look back on that list and remember why I started.
    It often gives me the reboot I need to keep going. So that's why I think it's important to remember the root of the reason for any addiction.
    Rob can of course see it from both angles. I don't feel like he needs to go into some crazy deep past life experiences, but it is important to keep in your pocket.
    At any rate, I'm glad he's able to meet with people that actually get it and can relate to him and maybe give him some tools to keep himself focused.
    It feels really good to see him motivated and while I know he is not doing this for me but for himself, it proves to me that he is working on it and of course that will benefit us.
    I'm also not naive. I know that he won't always feel this pumped and excited and some days he may feel like it's not worth it and want to relapse. It only takes 10 minutes of weakness to fuck your life up....but it also takes 10 minutes of strength to start making it better. Hes taking steps and I'm incredibly proud.
     
  5. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    This weekend was kinda ok.
    Friday Rob spent the night, I tried to do our typical Friday night stuff.
    He seems distant.
    I'm probably overthinking. But there just seemed to be an invisible line between us.
    He didn't hold me as close as he typically Does, he wasn't himself. It was somewhat awkward at first.
    It might all be in my head. It probably is. Because that's what I do. I overthink and catastrophize.
    I suppose I should have expected a little bit of an awkward time in light of what happened this week. But I think I am just trying so hard to show him that he is still him, I am still me, and we are still us.
    So much of my anxiety about what he was doing in the past is behind me now that I've gotten over it.
    I don't think he gives himself enough credit for not waiting until the problem got bigger than he could handle before taking control.
    He saw the cycle beginning and he stopped it.
    We talked a little while about his meeting of course I talk to him about the only thing I could even begin to relate it to in my life and that is food addiction.
    I have a lot of experience with addicts. I understand the addict mindset and journey quite well.
    I understand that he may have feelings of Shame and that's probably what is projecting out of him at the moment and I hoping it's just temporary.
    And I hope he understands how committed I am to being by his side throughout this journey.
     
  6. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Have nothing but time on my hands since we are currently buried under about 2 feet of snow. Luckily no driving related anxieties because my job has been closed. Just the typical" oh shit is a tree going to fall on my house or is my power going to go out" kinda stuff.
    No harm done.
    Yesterday I was perusing some of the partner journals here. I came across some pretty crazy situations. A lot of them I don't think I would be able to stay in the relationship. In some of these cases, people had kids with their SA spouse. But some of these addictions were so strong and so secretive that I feel like even if in this situation where we had kids together or something I don't think I would be able to stay and I give these women a lot of credit.
    My boundaries with Rob as far as his addiction are quite clear.
    If I catch him doing exactly what he was doing 4 years prior to meeting me, the relationship is over. No exceptions. That a line that is clear and concise.
    I can deal with a relapse of PMO, or P. Those things are probably bound to happen and we will work together as long as he is HONEST.
    He directed me to a TED Talk entitled "Everything you thought you knew about addiction is wrong" (linked here) https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong/up-next
    There were some eye opening parts to it as well as some stuff I don't fully agree with but there's some good meat and potatoes to it.
    I had a good talk with my old therapist (now friend since she doesn't take my new insurance. We got close but when I changed jobs i could no longer afford to see her regularly. But she's ok with us talking from time to time. )

    She made a few points about Robs addiction and how the ADDICTION part was all his job to fix. I needed to sit back and support him but let him do the work. I understood all of that. And I think so far that's what I've been doing. We've had very open discussions about his meeting and what he's been talking with others about. But he's doing all the work. Lori said that the work that I have to do is work On my insecurities and hangups and regain my confidence after feeling so rejected and unwanted.
    She asked me a lot of questions that were pretty eye-opening. One of them was whether or not I have her initiated sexual contact with him. I didn't realize it before but once she asked me I looked back and said no, I have never.
    I am fairly certain that my fears of rejection and insecurities have always caused me to wait until HE initiated.
    With any partner. Especially Rob though.
    There have been plenty of times where I was totally in the mood but since he didn't initiate, I didn't act on it.
    So she said I need to work on that a bit.
    She also gave some no pressure, no expectations activities we can do to increase the intimacy and help him make the connection of sex=emotion and love expression rather than sex=getting off.
    She asked if we cuddle often.
    I responded quickly.
    YESSSS! We are cuddling champions. I've told Rob numerous times that my favorite place is in his arms. We've never had a problem in this department. He's very physically affectionate. Forehead kisses, hand holding, light massages, snuggling... all of it.
    She said that we were already ahead of the game!!! She said so many couples struggle with this. They have sex and that's it. They have peck kisses otherwise.
    She said that what we needed to work on was taking that level of intimacy to the bedroom. Right Now, we're so sweet and loving on the couch but once the clothes come off and the sex starts it all gets extremely mechanical and purposeful.
    Some of her suggestions for helping this:
    • Massage. Clothed at first. Slowly we can start doing it again but remove clothing however we feel comfortable.
    • Nude cuddling. We can start clothed and slowly remove each other's clothing. Piece by piece until we are both naked. No sex. No foreplay. Just cuddling and kissing permitted( until we are both comfortable). I think I can handle this even though I have so many insecurities about my body. It might take baby steps.
    • Make out sessions that don't lead to sex. We used to make out a lot and we still kiss very very often, but we don't really "make out "unless it's a precursor for sexual activity. If he gets an erection, slow down or stop and let it go down completely so he won't feel the need to "fap" to relieve it.
    Once we are comfortable with all that and feel we've moved on and she feels we're ready for sexual stuff, she gave me a few more tips.
    • Focus on the intimacy and not the end goal of orgasm for him. He needs to know going into it that it's perfectly ok if he can't maintain his erection or finish. No pressure.
    • Let him focus on pleasing me. No pressure, but since I confessed i faked a good deal of orgasms with him, she feels it's important to start getting my needs addressed and show him what works for me. My sexual satisfaction matters , too.
    • Light, soft touching. We have to work to combat the decreased sensitivity and "death grip" associated with excessive PMO. the end goal at some point is to be able to get him to O without applying much pressure, which will help him perform sexually. This will be a tough one I think. But I'm willing to try.
    Of course I'm not gonna go in all gangbusters with these techniques but I feel they will be very helpful as we work together.
    Anyway, that's it for today. Have a good one :)
     
  7. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Despite now feeling awful with a terrible cold, Rob and I had a really nice weekend together.
    I work in retail and rarely get a weekend off but I finally got one. Rob spent the night saturday. We actually got invited to go roller skating (haven't done that in 20 years!) And it was hilarious and really fun. It was nice to be silly again.
    I dubbed yesterday "snuggle sunday". It was wonderful to not have anywhere to rush to and we literally spent the better part of the day in each other's arms. We went to breakfast and ate like pigs and came back and napped. Then we met some friends for dinner and came back and snuggled more. By then I was starting to feel ill. He couldn't stay overnight but he very sweetly tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight.
    It was really nice. He's such a gentle soul and he's very attentive and affectionate and it was nice to just be "us" again.
    We didn't talk too much about his addiction until Sunday. He just expressed that he was feeling anxious and that he felt that it was just coming to a head after the rush of situations with him coming clean about his addiction, our sexual failures, the deep convos we've had about it, etc.

    I completely understood. It has been a lot of action. He was honest and said he had some fantasies and images kind of run through his head, but didn't act on anything or M or anything. I believe him. As I've said before, he's generally very transparent.
    I told him some of the suggestions Lori had for us that I talked about in my last post and he was very receptive.
    Something I love about Rob is he's generally open minded and down for pretty much everything. It's really refreshing .
    He's considering a new therapist and I feel like that's a good idea. It seems his current one doesn't really cover much ground.
    I think about my experience with my old therapist and I always felt drained, yet recharged, cleansed and excited to take on the rest of the week.
    I feel like this is just something he gets through .
    Anyway, all in all, a good weekend.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2018
  8. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Today's a bad day.
    My anxiety has been AWFUL the past couple days.
    I don't know what's triggering it is the worst part.
    I never do.
    I had a really bad panic attack today.
    In the past I'd have gone to the hospital when I felt this way. Convinced I was having a heart attack or stroke.
    I pushed through that urge today and was able to talk myself down from it.
    I tried to reach out to people. Some times talking, not even talking about the panic attack, helps. I'll phone a friend and talk about whatever and it usually helps me ground myself or distract my brain.
    No one answered. I even texted Rob to tell him hello and that I love him...no response.
    I'm not angry about it. It's not his job to be at my disposal whenever I'm feeling panicked. I have to work through these things myself.
    He's been feeling good and I know that he has his SA meeting tonight and he was excited about it.
    I don't want to bring him down.
    Especially since I wonder if a lot of this anxiety is leftover aftershocks from what's gone down in the past month.
    I'm still 100% commited to being by his side and working through this. I love him. I'm so proud of him.
    But I guess somewhere along the way I focused all my energy on his recovery and not on my own response.
    I was actually quite impressed with how I responded initially. Of course,I was angry, shocked, and saddened but I pulled myself together and thought rationally.
    But this week... I don't know if it's just that everything's calmed and now maybe the reality is setting in. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe this is just the nature of anxiety disorders.
    But I've felt on edge for a couple days and had a feeling this was going to happen.
    But typically i can stop it. I acknowledge that I'm feeling anxious, allow myself to feel it, remind myself that I'm human and that I'm ok. I busy my brain and center and ground myself.
    I just hate that I don't have control.
     
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  9. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    I talked to Rob. I told him I was having a panic attack today. He, of course suggested tea. He always suggests tea or some supplement or something. This is both an aspergers thing and a guy thing. He also suggested talking to my therapist. I know he means well, but in the moment it always feels like what he's really suggesting is I find someone else to talk to because he doesn't want to hear it. I also get frustrated because obviously I don't want to feel as crippled by this anxiety as I do at times, so I've looked up every solution and I've tried it. He never suggests something I haven't tried. It's not his fault and I know he's trying to help and be loving.
    Guys always want to fix your problem. And an aspie doesn't always read between the lines.
    When I'm feeling the way I've felt today what I need is someone to just listen. Remind me I'm loved. Remind me I'm ok. Remind me I've gotten through this before.
    I've explained this before but I guess he didn't make the connection today and I don't have the energy to explain it.
    It's not his job to fix me, either.
    He has the best of intentions.
    He did mention that maybe there's something I'm feeling that's triggering these attacks that I need to acknowledge.
    The problem is, when I have attacks there's rarely a common factor or feeling.
    I've felt like I've been keeping it together but maybe I'm not as well as I thought.
    I guess, in some way... I'm angry and fearful of the future.
    I didn't ask to be in a relationship with a PA. I thought this was over. I thought he had beaten it.
    I didn't ask to feel undesired and unwanted sexually.
    I deserve someone who thinks the world of me and doesn't make me doubt it and he made me doubt it.
    I felt bad about myself.
    I just wanted to fall in love with a wonderful man. And I did. But not without baggage.
    But we all have baggage. I have plenty. It's not his fault.
    But I also have worries.
    I worry that after all this he won't be able to perform sexually and that we'll have a relationship without intimacy.

    I worry that he will relapse later in life. What if we have kids and a home and he's ducking out of those responsibilities to look at porn ?

    I worry that some day he will seek sexual gratification from other women that fit his fantasies.

    I worry that I'll work so hard on this with him and some day he'll reject me.
    That's probably my biggest fear.
    He has the freedom to reject me even if I devote myself completely to him.
    I worry that he might decide I'm not supportive enough of his recovery.
    He can literally drop me any time he wants.
    That's scary to me.
    "The biggest fear of love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to"
    I love him. And I know the risks.
    I'm willing to take them and I know there are no guarantees.
    I trust that I'm doing the right thing. I trust that God has put me on this path for a reason.
    I trust that he loves me as I love him and he cares for me just as much.
     
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  10. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Long weekend.
    Happy to start a new week because last week was just a mess. Between the awful cold I caught, the ridiculous amount of anxiety and panic I had, and general work stress I am left more than a bit exhausted.
    Saturday night I had to work, but Rob was invited out for a friend's birthday. I asked if he was going to go and he said no, that he was not feeling up to it. I asked why and he said that he felt a bit triggered because he saw that the girl whose birthday it is decided to donate via FB 2A rape survivors charity. He said it made him sad and made him feel shameful.
    I was a bit confused by this because I know that he's never committed rape of course, and ask him why this made him feel shameful. He said it was just one of those things where he is reminded of his addiction to porn and how that is perceived. He said that he feels like if his friends knew what he was up to a few years ago they would never be friends with him now.
    I can understand why he feels that way. Porn addiction isn't exactly like alcohol or drug addiction where you can be open about it. Not many people find beating a porn addiction to be inspirational. Clearly there is a stigma.
    I tried to reassure him that the person he was 4 years ago is not the person that he is now and that he's come a long way. Even though he did have a very very minor relapse in the porn aspect of it, he saw the cycle and stopped it before it got bad. I reminded him that he is a good person with a good heart.
    I also reminded him that everyone has demons and you never know what people have going on behind closed doors. You'll be hard-pressed to find anybody that hasn't done something shameful in their past.
    This seemed to make him feel better. He came over last night and he was very sweet. He picked up some items for us for dinner and showed up at my door with a giant Easter lily and some dark chocolate because he said he read it helps with anxiety. It was very thoughtful of him and I'm definitely someone who really appreciates little things like that.
    We then of course spent a few hours cuddling and talking. He was telling me about how he was going through his old nofap Journal and saw so many differences and yet saw so many of the same things. We talked a bit about our upbringing and how he feels some of it may have molded his behavior. And we actually talked about some of the fears I had that I talked about in my last post. I told him I had a fear that I could go all in with this with him and help him fight all this and then the end,after all of that, he can still reject me.
    He suggested that this might be a personal problem that I have and it probably stems from the fact that my mother helped my dad fight alcohol and drug addiction and in the end, after 25 years, he basically left her high and dry. There's definitely some truth to that experience leading to my fear now. Really it's about vulnerability. I am committed to staying with him and helping him and growing through this together, but the fact of the matter is, neither of us have any guarantee that in the end of this we will end up together. I have very good faith that we will. But in the end, we owe each other nothing. This isn't even in the terms of his addiction, this is just love and relationships. You make yourself so vulnerable to another person and you give them the complete power to hurt you and just trust that they won't. I was glad that we could get some of that out and I'm always so grateful that he is so open to difficult conversations. It felt good to get it out. And after a long hard week it was wonderful to be in his arms again.
    I guess that's all I have for now, maybe more later.
     
  11. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Another long week happening.
    Stress at my job is starting, and it seems it's only gonna get worse. I'm also having some issues with my dad that are starting to rear their ugly heads and its weighing on me.
    Quick (as quick as I can be, anyway) summary:
    -My dad is a recovering alcoholic and hardcore drug addict. 35+ years clean. I never saw his addiction and my parents were always honest about it.
    -he has a multitude of health issues. He's not dying, but.... Fact of the matter, he'll likely never live through his 80s. I will never see him as an old man. I know this. I keep this in mind all the time.
    -my parents relationship was always tumultuous. He was somewhat abusive physically and mentally toward her even though she carried him through addiction and recovery. He ended up having an affair with a neighbor (who used me to babysit her children for their dates at times, unbeknownst to me, of course ) My parents separated when I was 12, divorced at 17. He married the neighbor when i was about 22. I forgave him because I wanted to have him in my life. I worked through A LOT of shit to do that. But despite his actions,i deeply love and respect my dad. He inspires me all the time and he's living proof you can come back from the bottom. Our relationship improved over the years (I barely spoke to him as a teen, but he never once gave up trying. That's why I respect him so much. ) and we were in a good place.
    -He is much closer with my brother. They work together. My dad and I used to have this almost separate relationship where it was just us and we had this understanding and special relationship. As I've gotten older, that's gone away a bit, naturally. But since my brother married and had kids I'm definitely last on the totem pole. I'm not always included in things and I'm often forgotten about till the last minute. It hurts me. I make a lot of effort to keep in touch and it's not always reciprocated. Most parents complain their kids don't call enough.
    Anyway, I got a last minute invite to dinner tonight and I got all pissed off because I know these plans were made a week ago and he didn't think of me till now.
    I don't know why this one even triggered me, but it pissed me off.... A lot. My dad and I need to work some stuff out. So that's a bit stressful.
    Last night rob came over. I cooked dinner and gave him a haircut. Before that, I kinda just collapsed into his arms and he rubbed my feet and listened to me vent.
    It felt good. I love how attentive he can be at times. It means the world to me.
    Another source of stress though... he recently had blood work done and it showed his liver levels were elevated. They tested it again and it was still high.
    He's going for an ultrasound on Saturday.
    This is scaring the shit out of me. I tried to be as calm as possible and even though though he said he's not worrying about it, I guess I worry enough for the both of us.
    What if he has fatty liver ? That isn't curable. Or worse?
    The fact that we have to wait for answers is killing me. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. But its really hard for me.
    Hopefully its minor and can be helped with a healthy diet, which hes been doing much better with.
    Hes lost some weight and you can see it now. I'm proud of him and of course secretly jealous that you can already see a difference in him and I'm over here having lost double that and I can barely see a difference at all. Hmph. Men. Lol. But I'm proud of his progress.
    Another little stress monster........
    I'm pretty sure hes at or right around his 30 day hardmode mark.
    I'm SO SO SO proud of him!!! Truly. The steps hes taken to better himself are remarkable and I'm so happy that he's taking control of his life in this way.
    But I'm not gonna lie.... I'm nervous for when we start sexual contact again.
    What if he can't do it?
    What if even after trying the activities I outlined before, his PIED doesn't improve ?
    What if we discover that I just flat out don't stimulate him sexually ?
    I know the PIED isn't my fault but those anxieties still exist. Because with all this work you never know if that's the real root of it. I have to trust the process and trust that hes been telling me the truth.
    But I'll be so hurt if I find out it's just me.
    Idk.
    I don't know if I wait for him to initiate intimacy given his recovery or do what my therapist suggested and start initiating it myself.
    I just don't know what to do, really. I just don't think I can take the rejection. I think at this moment I need to let him initiate....I just hope he does. He might be scared too.
    Well that turned into a novel so I'm gonna sign off.
     
  12. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'm glad I'm starting fresh this week, because last week was pure hell.
    My anxiety and stress and frustrations came to a head and I had a day of pure shit on Thursday.
    I had a fight with my mother. Those are always brutal. Shes a loving and incredible woman, but she can be UNBEARABLE at times. This was one of those times.
    It started out innocent and snowballed. It was bad and the after effects are ridiculous.
    I need to move out of her house. But I cant afford it with my debt. The light at the end of the tunnel as far as that goes is basically non existent. I see no end in sight. And it really sucks. So I feel like such a failure for that. And hate my current situation. So there's a click on the rage meter.
    The stuff with my dad was still bothering me.
    I decided to be the bigger person and go to this last minute dinner invite. At least then no one can say I didn't try, right ?
    Well I got ready, sat in my car to go, and my anxiety took over. I felt paralyzed. I tried to talk myself out of it. I calmed down and texted him and said I was running a few minutes late.
    He told me not to bother, then guilted me for not making time for my dad.
    After barely speaking for 3 months after numerous attempts on my part to stay connected.
    Click on the rage meter.
    Ever feel like you're completely worthless? Like you really are more of a nuisance than anything else? Like your good qualities don't outweigh the bad?
    That's how it felt.
    Like no one would care much if I wasnt around.
    It's a real feeling. And it's a scary one.
    And once I'm there,its hell getting out of it and its really only helped by waiting out the day and trying again tomorrow. It helps to vent. To talk. And all I need is comfort.
    I made another mistake. I texted Rob.
    I was trying to vent. He of course went down the list of solutions. Tea *eyeroll*, go for a walk, breathe, etc. Not that they're wrong or bad suggestions or ill intended...it's just that.... obviously I know these solutions. But I wasnt looking for a solution.
    Aspergers can be frustrating. Hes just wired differently. Most people would recognize in this moment that someone just needs comfort and the reminder that they're valued and loved. They need their feelings validated and acknowledged. They just need to be HEARD. And not be told stop feeling that way, or that they're wrong.
    He doesn't recognize this. It just doesn't register. In the moment, he wants to fix it.
    But if he tells me to make a cup of tea one more time..... lol
    My mistake here was texting. I forget that we are not good with the texting, except for just daily chit chat. If I'm feeling something and need to talk it out, it needs to be a phone call. Hes so comforting in person. In text, it all just gets lost.
    And we CANT argue through text. But for some reason I keep forgetting that.
    Because he said something random and changed the subject.
    I of course shot back a bitchy response. He got frustrated with me (totally understandable. I'm near unbearable in this state. I know this. )
    Click on the rage meter. I just couldn't stop fucking up this day. And everyone I love is mad at me.
    I had a good cry. Sobbed, actually. Everything was so pent up and bottled and I had to release it.
    I asked rob to call me. I apologized. Within 5 minutes we understood each other again.
    I wish some little alert would come up on my phone when conversation gets heated. A little window that shouts "STOP TEXTING AND CALL HIM !!!"
    In the moment I always lose my knowledge of that.
    So here's where aspergers is a beautiful thing.
    He may not have understood what I needed the day of my meltdown, but he understood what I needed in general.
    We fall into routines and he shook it up. Took me to a tiny restaurant in the city and then we walked around the neighborhood admiring the homes.
    I of course spent the whole ride there explaining myself and my meltdown. He let me do it but said "Well ok. That's over now. Lets have a good meal and enjoy ourselves "
    We desperately just needed a little date night. I remember reading an article when Rob and I first started dating about aspies in relationships. It was by a woman married to an aspie. She said "He doesn't show his love in the conventional ways we are used to. Don't expect handwritten love letters or songs dedicated to you on the radio, loud declarations of his affections, or even for him to say he loves you often. Wait for the unexpected back rub, the book he picked up because he thought you'd like it, remembering a tiny detail you mentioned in passing. He'll probably forget your anniversary. But he will remember exactly what you were wearing on your first date." This has basically all become true. He does tell me he loves me every day now...even if it's just out of habit and in person, he rarely says it first. He's not a guy that throws out compliments. But I see it. I feel it. I see him doing things to better himself and hes more perceptive than he probably gives himself credit for. Hes really a sweet guy. And I understand that he may have trouble understanding me or how to deal with me in certain moods. I did tell him to remember how I react when he is feeling down on himself.
    I remind him that hes a good person with a good heart. That hes loved, and valued. I validate his feelings. I also found a great article on loving someone with anxiety. I'll share some snippets.
    It's hard. Because I cant make anyone responsible for my day to day feelings, and yet,being an empath by nature,its really hard for me not to internalize and absorb the energy of others. I cant expect people to do exactly what I need the second I have an issue or a mood, and I cant expect people to comfort me. But I wish for patience. I try to have patience with people....more than required most often. .. because I want the same for me. But no one else has to do the same. No one owes me anything. Just the way it is.
    Anyway, here's the article. There was a section of it that talked about "reschedule appointments for her and dont get mad if she cancels plans " that was a little too much for me. There's a difference between comforting and coddling. So I just included the parts I agreed with. Read the whole thing here http://www.lovewhatmatters.com/shes-not-broken-to-the-man-whose-wife-or-partner-has-anxiety/

    Sometimes she wonders why you’re with her, and if you knew she had anxiety would you still be there, do you regret it? Being with her? Do you wish you were with someone else that didn’t have this vice around their neck?
    I want you to know I see that this is tough on you, tough to see your loved one hurt, tough on you, the pressure for you would be immense. But don’t think for a second she doesn’t see you, don’t think for a second she doesn’t worry about you too. She even gets anxiety about you. She knows it’s not your fault, and she knows you want to fix her and in the way that means you help her, but you can’t fix her. She’s not broken.

    But you can help her, you can loosen the vice. You can see what gets too much for her, the crowds of people or bed time, dinner time, see it and help her by holding her hand and tell her you’re with her. Do it with her, take over, tell her to sit down for a while and breathe.

    Sometimes the answer won’t be so obvious. Sometimes she won’t even know the answer is to what she needs, but so long as your patient with her, she will feel your love.
    She or you won’t benefit if you get frustrated, it’ll just escalate and make both of you miserable. She doesn’t want her anxiety to define your relationship and when you are patient, you’re telling her you’re willing to do the same.


    Anxiety is heartbreaking for her. Really it is. She wishes she could just feel free. The free feeling of just being carefree and not a prisoner to this ugly illness. Free of the voice that follows her listing all her insecurities.

    Not every day will be bad, and those days should be celebrated, but on the bad days, still celebrate her, because she needs it.

    She appreciates you, she loves you. She’s vulnerable and scared. But she chose you to share her biggest deepest scar tissue that resides in her heart, and she knew the day she met you that you were the one worthy enough to see her in all her imperfections. She will love you with that whole heart, and you know she will because she’s already listed the pros and cons… and just as you are by her side she will be fiercely loyal to yours. Forever and ever, you just to need take her hand and tell her, ‘I am with you.’



     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2018
  13. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    So Rob kind of came out of the woodwork with some info this evening. We didn't talk much today and were having our usual chit chat and randomly he just said that he found this journal while browsing the site but only read 3 lines and clicked it off once he realized it was mine.
    Being that hes been so honest, I guess I believe him, but honestly i dont really care if he reads this.
    I dont want to know his username because I feel he needs this community to let out his thoughts and speak candidly and he may not do that fully if he knows I might be reading it.
    I'm sure I could figure it out on my own if I really wanted to but I've resisted any temptation.
    Then he started telling me about how he was outlining his "circles " (levels of acceptable behavior from sex addicts anonymous...https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/ )
    And he determined that his browsing of fb photos is borderline psub.

    I didn't understand. So was he using womens fb photos as P? Fantasizing about them?
    This made me so uncomfortable.
    I never considered him someone with a wandering eye. Hes never given me reason to.
    I think this also made me uncomfortable because the whole thing with porn is that these are women that you're never going to be able to attain. They're not in your life. They're fantasy material and nothing more. If he's looking at women on Facebook at these are women he presumably already knows in real life or knows of in real life and it's 100% possible that have his fantasies over take him he might just be tempted to message one of them. Not going to lie, it's also a bit creepy.
    I'm not naive. I realize that I'm not the most attractive woman in the world. I realize that there are better looking women. I realize that men are men just like women are women and you can't help but appreciate an attractive member of the opposite sex. I'm not saying he should see no one but me ever. But knowing his history he needs to have some control over it. It's just a little too close for comfort. He said that he only looks through a few photos. I guess I believe that. After all, he didn't have to tell me this at all so why at this point would he lie about it. It still made me really uncomfortable so I did what I didn't really want to have to ever do and ask for his Facebook password. He gave it to me immediately and I logged in rather quickly to not give him a chance to delete anything. I told him that I didn't want to do this because I respect him as a human being and want him to keep his privacy and he said "yes I still have my privacy....this is information I'm giving you".
    I logged in and honestly didn't see anything that even remotely alarmed me. The only people he actively messages are a few friends and his sister. I knew that I wouldn't find anything.
    I explained to him that my trust was never broken to him, but it is slightly bent. I just feel like now I need to be more aware of his behavior on and off line. But I do appreciate that he told me on his own without being caught and that he was so quick to give me the information that I needed to access his account without putting up a fight. These are the things that will instill my trust in him and repair it. I never want to turn into one of those women who questioned her boyfriend's every move and motive. I don't want to be the one that feels like I am entitled to read all of his messages and follow him like a spy. He has never given me a reason before not to trust him or to think he is unfaithful, except for when our intimacy all but stopped for a few months when he picked his M habit up again.
    And honestly, even then I knew that infidelity was not the case. I know that he is committed to me but like I said I guess I just need to be more aware. At any rate I'm glad he told me I hope that he continues to feel like he can speak to me openly. I think that's the only way this is going to work.
     
  14. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Song stalking between yesterday and today.... heard this song a total of 6 times in the past 24 hours. I actually just said to myself on the way to the gym as it came on my radio "Ughhhh enough with this songgggg"
    Never really listened to the lyrics.
    This one isn't that deep though, but it made me laugh. It's cute.
    Issues
    Julia Michaels
    I'm jealous, I'm overzealous
    When I'm down, I get real down
    When I'm high, I don't come down
    I get angry, baby, believe me
    I could love you just like that
    And I could leave you just as fast
    But you don't judge me
    'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
    No, you don't judge me
    'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
    'Cause I got issues
    But you got 'em too
    So give 'em all to me
    And I'll give mine to you
    Bask in the glory
    Of all our problems
    'Cause we got the kind of love
    It takes to solve 'em

    Yeah, I got issues
    And one of them is how bad I need you
    You do shit on purpose
    You get mad and you break things
    Feel bad, try to fix things
    But you're perfect
    Poorly wired circuit
    And got hands like an ocean
    Push you out, pull you back in
    'Cause you don't judge me
    'Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
    No, you don't judge me
    'Cause you see it from same point of view
    'Cause I got issues
    But you got 'em too
    So give 'em all to me
    And I'll give mine to you
    Bask in the glory
    Of all our problems
    'Cause we got the kind of love
    It takes to solve 'em
    Yeah, I got issues
    And one of them is how bad I need you
    And one of them is how bad I need you
    (I got issues, you got 'em too)
    'Cause I got issues
    (I got)
    But you got 'em too
    So give 'em all to me
    (You got 'em too)
    And I'll give mine to you
    Bask in the glory
    (I got issues)
    Of all our problems
    'Cause we got the kind of love
    (You got 'em too)
    It takes to solve 'em
    Yeah, I got issues (I got)
    And one of them is how bad I need you (You got 'em too)
    Yeah, I got issues (I got issues)
    And one of them is how bad I need you (You got 'em too)
    Yeah, I got issues (I got)
    And one of them is how bad I need you
     
  15. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Long time no log in.
    Nothing much to report here.
    Rob made an appt with a SA therapist that specializes in this kind of thing.
    I was really proud of him. Typically he puts stuff off and talks about it with no actual action. But he persued it himself and followed through, so that's big.
    I'm really proud of how much he really wants to change. And I know hes not doing it for me, but for himself.
    We haven't seen much of each other as my work schedule has been a bit crazy. There just seems to be a disconnect somewhere. I think we need a weekend getaway of some kind. If only I had the funds. I dont really know what it is to be honest. It's not like anything specific he is doing... it's just a weird feeling. It may even be all in my head.
    I've been trying to be more flirtatious to see where we are intimately...but it doesn't seem to be registering with him.
    I've been doing it somewhat playfully. Maybe it's just an aspie thing of not being able to pick up cues...maybe it's just that hes completely desexualized me. Is there a comeback from that? Or is the damage done permanently?
    That's a scary thought.
    He doesn't seem eager to spend time or connect with me lately. At least, not like before. I'm usually the one that initiates contact at some point during the day. I often wonder if we'd connect at all during any particular day if I didn't initiate.
    Friday he came by and it was awkward at first. The main problem is that it's my mother's house and it's hard for us to connect since she legit plants herself in my kitchen and doesn't take the cue that we might like to be alone. He directs his attention to my dog, mostly. But when we get back to my room, we cuddle a little bit and he sets up his cpap and goes to sleep.
    I think we need a change of scenery mostly. I think once we have our own place it will be better.
    But then I go to the other end of the spectrum and wonder if we'll ever be at a place where we can rekindle an intimate relationship.

    I've never felt so uncertain. Generally when I get these feelings it's when I get in my own head and cant find my way out. Typically at that point rob and I will see each other again and all my uncertainty goes away. I realized long ago that I'm my own worst enemy in this regard.
    But I know by now we've long since passed his 30 day hardmode mark and we haven't discussed anything.
    I'm afraid that hes just afraid he will not perform and that he wont he stimulated by me.
    I'm terrified of that too. Dont get me wrong. I dont expect him to he cured. I know hes gonna go limp again and I know it's not my fault. I hope its not. This is a lifetime of damage hes inflicted on himself. It's not going to erase in 3 weeks.
    I just dont want to spend my life being rejected. I've lived that way all my life. Most people I love have rejected me at some point. Typically more than once . Often multiple times.
    If he feels he needs to stay in hardmode for longer, he needs to communicate that with me.
    I just feel like I need something....anything.... to reassure me that we are moving toward healthy intimacy.
    I just cant shake this feeling that something is off lately.
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2018
  16. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Feeling better than I have the past couple weeks.
    I talked to my dad and called him out on some of the issues we've been having. He wasnt quite as receptive as I'd have liked, but I spoke my truth and he heard it. And he seems to be making a bit more of an effort. So I consider that a success. I love my dad and hold him in such high regard. I dont want us to become estranged. I will make every effort to keep us in touch as long as I feel I'm not doing it alone.
    Things with Rob have been okay, he still seems like hes got a lot on his mind but I don't know if its pmo related. Could be other things.

    I am a little hurt today though.
    Rob and I rarely get the same day off. Very rarely. We did today. I was excited to spend the day with him. Unfortunately he had a morning appointment, but I told him to call me after and we could spend the day together at least.

    Here we are, 5pm. No phone call. No text. Nothing.
    Part of me thinks I should have just texted him myself, but sometimes I get tired of being the initiator.
    It would be nice to have him lead once in a while. Surprise me. Plan something and whisk me away. Be romantic. I'm not talking big expense here. I dont need him to spend money or anything like that. Just his time.
    Did I mention my birthday is Thursday?
    We went to a friends place on Saturday and she had a little party (her Bday is a few days before mine, so we celebrated both) and we went to my dads for dinner last night.
    But today is the only day this week we had together. Just us.
    Thursday he works and has his SAA meeting.
    I wouldn't dream of asking him to skip it because it's important. But had the tables been turned, and I was tied up on his actual birthday, I would have made sure to set aside time and plan something to make sure he felt special and loved a little extra, just us. Everyone deserves that on their birthday. Especially from their SO.
    To give an example of how we think differently.... I already have the weekend of his birthday (in August) blocked off on my work calendar so I can do something special with him. I did this in January.
    I know not everyone thinks the way I do. I tend to make a big deal out of the birthdays of loved ones. To me, it's a perfect time to remind someone how much they're loved and valued. You celebrate their lives and the fact that you're part of it. I cant afford big gifts or grand gestures, but I like to be thoughtful.

    I shouldn't expect the same for my own. It's not anyone's job to make me feel special. I get that. Butttt.....

    Its hurtful.
    It sucks that I have to spend my birthday without my SO because he has a porn addiction and needs to go to meetings. It sucks that the one day we DID have, he forgot about me completely.

    It sucks that I'm in a literally sexless relationship because he has to reboot his brain from all the crap hes infected it with. I understand the process and I'm willing to work through it with him. But when you haven't been touched in almost 9 months and you're not 100% confident that your lover wants you in a sexual way...that's tough. But I understand it. And I'm ok with it.

    It sucks that if I Express that I'm hurt that he let today go by and didn't even bother to call me, I'm going to be made to feel like an asshole for being annoyed in the first place. He has this way of reacting as if I am always overreacting and not entitled to my feelings. And its always met back with "I didnt mean it,I'm doing the best I can, I feel like I'm always apologizing "
    Instead of being sad you're always apologizing.... maybe work on the behavior you're always apologizing for. Because this isn't the first time this has happened.
    I feel like no one can quote Louis CK now with all his bullshit but this is so true :
    "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didnt "


    The thing is... I know his intentions are innocent. He is not a planner. I knew early into the relationship that I wasn't getting grand gestures or huge romantic displays. I can accept that. I love him for much more than that stuff. I've always told him that the little things add up for me. Tiny little reassurances and reminders that you're loved. Simple simple stuff.


    It just hurts to spend the day waiting for a call. And it hurts to spend the day knowing that you're not even a blip on his radar.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2018
  17. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

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    Intuition is a funny thing.
    On one hand, I have an anxiety disorder. So a lot of times, I push to shut my intuition up because I am afraid it's just my mind trying to promote self sabotage.
    Then on the other hand, the accuracy is almost astounding at times.

    Rob didnt relapse, but he did reset his counter.
    Apparently he was having some fantasies about a girl at work.
    First of all... it hurts to know that he is having sexual fantasies about someone other than me.
    But on the other hand, it would be silly of me to assume he doesnt notice an attractive woman.
    And I dont know what is harmful or what isn't. I dont know if this is a problem or if it's just a human thing.
    For instance, we had a guy in my store the other night doing some maintenance work.
    He was very attractive. Tall, dark and handsome. He was flirtatious. It was actually fairly obvious to me that he flirting and even a coworker picked up on it and teased me about the fact that he had a crush on me. My mind wandered a bit. Nothing graphic, of course.
    But to me, that exchange was innocent.
    Did I appreciate his looks? Totally. Did my mind go to a bit of a fantasy? Totally.
    But once he left my thoughts didnt continue. I went about my day and didnt give it another thought. It didn't consume me.
    I did tell Rob about it when we were talking about how I felt about his fantasy.

    And then I stopped myself and said "Wait....how did that just make YOU feel? To hear I saw an attractive man and acknowledged it? "
    He paused and said "A little wary...."
    I wasnt even telling him about this guy to get him back or make him jealous. I was trying to relate to his situation and in some way, reassure myself that him having a quick thought about a woman wasn't detrimental to us. But I am kinda glad he got a taste of what I was feeling, now that I think of it.

    We talked about the situation with him forgetting about me and just as I suspected, he reassured me it wasnt malicious. I know it wasnt. But I made an important point that I hope he took to heart.
    "When you forget about plans we made it tells me I'm not important to you. When somethings important to you, you remember. "
    I told him I was 100% for him. He had all of me. I will do whatever he needs to be happy and get over this addiction.
    I said "I've given myself completely to you, and have dealt with everything you've thrown at me, and you forgot my birthday."
    Its NOT about just forgetting my birthday.
    I'm not a princess. But it's the principle of it.
    I asked if he felt I asked or expected too much of him and he said "yes, sometimes I do".
    I know that it's hard for him to have empathy and as an aspie, it's hard to pick up on cues. I dont feel that small gestures or reassurances are asking a lot. Acknowledging that I'm helping and loving you deeply are not asking a lot. I think he believes these things should just be understood, but even though I know he loves me, reminders are needed. They're also nice. You should want to do nice things for your partner.
    Expecting you to remember my birthday isn't a lot. Making time to do something special for me when I pull out all the stops for you whenever I get the chance isn't a lot.
    But maybe it is for him. I try to keep that in mind.

    But our relationship is PARTNERSHIP. I take on your shit, you take on mine. I give, you take, and vice versa.
    So we worked through all that and then he said something that slapped me in the face.
    "Sometimes I just need space. I need space. "
    And then he talked about how we text at night and he needs space to think sometimes and I really wasnt sure what he meant by all that. I asked him of his needs and this is what I got. Very vague. He got really frustrated with me saying that I contradicted myself when he said I needed space and I got upset.
    I got upset because "I need some space " is what people say when they want to break up.
    I was just unclear on how this "space" was going to look and feel. I needed clarification on specific ways I could achieve this.
    We dont live together and we don't talk all day every day and we only see each other 2-3x a week, and that's on a really good week. Mainly we text back and forth at night. And I love that every night we say goodnight and that we love each other.
    I told him that sometimes I know that we wouldn't talk some days if I hadn't reached out to him.
    But...not meaning this to be spiteful....but I will stop reaching out for a time.
    If he needs space I'll give it to him.
    But I'm slightly interested to see if that means we wont be in contact for some days. It's a bit hurtful. We're in a relationship and he says he loves me. He should want to talk to me every day and know how my day was and what I'm doing.
    But, you want space? Ok. I guess I can handle that.
    I know right now hes overwhelmed.
    Between the porn addiction recovery, him hating his job, his health issues that are coming up recently, etc... I can see him needing a little space to think. So I dont have a problem giving him the space he needs.
    But I told him not to make me the enemy. Dont keep things from me out of fear. That hes dropped quite a few bombs on me recently and I've stuck around and to give me a little credit for that. I reminded him hes not alone and that anyway I can lighten his burden, I will help.
    On the same token though, I had to remind him that I am here, too. I have needs as well. I am human as well.

    I love him so much. Damn near unconditionally. There are only a few conditions in which I will leave him... that being if he cheats on me, abuses me, or makes me feel like my efforts are in vain. If I consistently feel like I am not appreciated and valued. If I feel as though I'm just making a fool of myself by loving him as I do. Reciprocity is important. I will do whatever it takes to make him feel whole and certain and loved. But I wont do it at the expense of my own self worth. I matter, too.
    I know that we can work through all this and I know his intentions are pure.
    Just gotta keep going.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2018
  18. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    102
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    Well, I turned 35 today.
    I spent most of the day alone.
    I really did try to make the best of it. I cleaned some stuff I've been putting off, snuggled my dog, watched some TV. Then I got dressed and went shopping with a gift card I got.. figured I'd get myself a treat. Didn't find much. Rob texted me in the morning,I was glad he remembered.
    I really did my best to enjoy my solitude.
    But all day this overwhelming feeling of loneliness kept gripping me.
    I kept trying to fight it off.
    It's ok to be alone.
    Its not a big deal that it's my birthday.
    So why is it bothering me so much today?
    My mom and I had dinner plans so I made sure to be home at a certain time. Only to find out that she forgot we made plans. She said " well when you and rob get back from dinner we can have cake"
    And my face must have just dropped.
    I made up something about rob having to do something for his dad and just said "its not a big deal . "
    My face must have said it all though. She felt bad and insisted we go out.
    So we did. And I spent an hour or so listening to her talk about her problems.
    Before dinner I'd asked rob what time he would be back in the area.
    I just wanted a hug. I needed a hug. From someone who loved me.
    He responded that he'd get back around 930...which is just too late. Hes got a cold and I know he has to work early and I'm not gonna make him come all the way here just for a hug.
    He was willing. I guess that's enough.
    I guess maybe in some way I was holding on to hope that someone or maybe specifically he would surprise me today. That some how some magic would happen today.
    I just felt so alone. So unimportant.
    I'm trying to get back with my old therapist even though she doesnt take my insurance. I sent her an email today basically begging.
    The way I've been feeling.. it isn't me
    I'm not someone who feels sorry for herself and hates herself.
    I'm the girl who picks herself up and perseveres.
    The idea of starting over with a new therapist is terrifying to me. Having to tell my entire story all over again from the beginning.
    Lori knew how to route my thoughts into something purposeful and helpful.
    I felt comfortable with her that i could say anything.
    At this point in my life I need the comfort of familiarity. And I need trust. I trust her.

    I was trying to talk to rob about this and he was doing his damndest to help. He actually made me feel like I shouldn't share these things with him, although that might have been a misunderstanding. I had to remind him to not try and fix me. Just love me.
    He always wants to give me the solution and most times I'm really just talking. I just need an ear and the warmth of his heart .

    I know it's hard for him to comprehend or put into action. And his intentions are pure and good. He sees me struggling and he wants to help.
    But I dont need fixing or saving. I'm NOT broken. When he is having a rough day I do my best just to listen and remind him he is loved. Maybe offer a different perspective or try and point out the positive parts.
    I re-sent the article I quoted here a few posts back. I hope he reads it this time.

    I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling more positive.
    Praying,actually.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2018
  19. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Happy Birthday. Sorry that it didn't go the way you'd have liked. :emoji_blue_heart:
     
    Cbelle41 likes this.

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