Healing together

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Cbelle41, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    Rob and I have been getting along great lately. Hes been super sweet and things have been generally good.

    Today I felt like a total doofus, though. Not at all his fault.

    He works a split shift and last night I stayed at his place. He said he'd come back in between we agreed I'd just hang at his place until he got back.
    I had a plan. And it was totally out of my comfort zone.
    I decided I'd bring that little lingerie number over and be wearing it when he got in the door. A little afternoon delight,if you will.
    It would mean I initiated, it was out of our routine,had an element of surprise in there, etc etc. Perfect, right?


    So I cleaned his place (couldn't help myself), shaved, did my hair and makeup (not out of the ordinary) , and I put this lacy black thing on and I was pretty excited about it. I was proud of myself for going out of my zone and spicing things up a bit.

    Except he texted me and said "I think I'm gonna stay close to work"

    His commute is kind of long. I understand not wanting to spend the gas, and it is a hassle to get back and leave n time. I completely get it. We made plans to get together after he got out. I mean yeah, it sucks that he made plans and didnt follow through, but its understandable. I wasnt really mad at that part.

    But it took a lot for me to do what I did and in the end I just felt foolish and embarrassed. I didnt tell him about it.

    When he told me he was gonna stay at work I just said "well.... ok then....." and he said well I feel bad... and then he started to say he was gonna come back. But I didnt want him to come back cause he felt he had to. He had no idea i was sitting there all decked out ready to seduce him.
    It's actually kinda funny now.
    Guess I'll have to try again....*wince*
  2. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    It all came out tonight.
    Well, a lot of it.
    I was frustrated with him as he just couldn't seem to figure out what he wanted to do for the day.
    I have rare weekend days off and this was one of them and one of my biggest annoyances is spending half the day figuring out what to do with it.
    I let that go.
    We had dinner and were snuggling on my bed and I could feel the progression of the night going forward.
    I knew at some point he was going to ask me to cuddle nude. And that we'd both take our clothes off and snuggle. And then we'd tip toe around each others bodies wondering who was gonna go for the genitals. One of us would eventually give in. Maybe he'd stay hard this time. Maybe he wouldn't.
    Lather, rinse, repeat.

    He turned his back to me and asked me to give him a back rub. After a while of that he said "I do this because it relaxes me. " as if he could sense the tension. I said "are you saying you arent relaxed ? "
    He said that this always made him feel tense.

    Now listen. I get it. A good amount of our sexual encounters ended in my tears and frustration. I get that this makes it hard to go for it.

    But he made me feel like hes afraid of me. That's not fair. It's not fair that even though his actions are what caused my tears, I'm the one that has to take the blame for it not getting better.
    I'm allowed to have feelings.
    And it's not fair that I'm afraid to express them because it will make him afraid to touch me.

    He said that he has trouble now relaxing when it comes to intimate things because before when I "felt rejected " I reacted so harshly. That hes always afraid itll fail and I'll be upset.

    I said immediately: I didnt feel rejected. I was rejected.

    He literally told me my body type made me hard to be intimate with on one encounter a while back. He blamed his PIED on the fact that I'm overweight.
    I DARE you to find me a woman that wouldn't break...even just a little.
    And it wasnt just that instance. There were others.

    Regardless.... it sucks to feel like your boyfriend finds you sexually undesirable. It fucks you up. Even when you find out it's not entirely you,it fucks you up.

    He has to take accountability for that.
    I wasnt so self conscious before this. My hiding of myself and desperate attempts at trying to make myself more desirable weren't happening.
    Before his PIED reared his ugly head and then his relapse... he wanted me. He didnt hesitate or need a certain process. I also told him

    I said all this to him.
    And then I told him that it pissed me off that when he spoke about the step in SAA about making amends with the people your addiction has affected and he didnt mention me.
    I told him straight up that I didn't get enough credit for everything I'm doing to keep us together because hes worth it to me. Because I love him that much.
    I told him that he doesnt realize how much damage this has caused. I explained that I felt slighted that I wasn't his first thought after forgiving himself. Its not like he owes me his life for my choice to stay with him. But acknowledging me and showing gratitude doesn't hurt.

    I could tell that I had rattled him. He wants to talk to his therapist about some of these things. I told him the naked cuddling thing was great but we aren't progressing past that and that is a problem. He seems to understand. He held me and told me that he loved me.

    I hope he does talk to his therapist. I hope that this doesn't send him into a tailspin of self-doubt. I am proud of myself for speaking my truth.

    Awfully tired now and just need to go to bed maybe I'll write more later
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Being even a little overweight is a womans number one fear. More than speaking in public and more than dying
    We all feel for you...
    I would have smacked him in the head.
    What a ass.
    Cbelle41 likes this.
  4. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
    Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
    Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."

    -excerpt from captain Corellis mandolin.
    Trappist likes this.
  5. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    Ha. I'm "morbidly obese " by health standards. My reality is every womans worst nightmare.
    I've always been overweight. I struggled with body image for my entire life.
    I had gotten to a really good place where I was losing weight for my health and made peace with my body and actually started to love myself. Sure I had my moments but in general,I was ok.
    But the thing is...he was so into me that I forgot how undesirable my body was by most standards. I felt confident.
    That comment brought a good amount of that old insecurity back.
    I started guarding my belly. Covering up. Agonizing over flattering outfits.
    The nude cuddling thing helped...but I still found myself wincing if he was anywhere near my "problem areas". I knew he could see my flaws now. And worse,I knew they were affecting his desire for me.
    I need to hear that he loves me just as I am. And I need him to say it without me prompting it out of him.
    He isnt a svelte Adonis himself. He has a gut and eats unhealthy. But I would never have commented on it. He has some health issues related to his weight and I tried to help him change his habits...but making sure I told him that I would love him no matter how much he weighed, but I cared about his health.
    I'm not sure that feeling is reciprocated and I need him to reassure me. Because let's be real here,I'm either gonna be fat or look like a melted candle with all the loose skin from weight loss. I'm never gonna be a smooth, fit body. I'm ok with that.
    I need to know that he is too.
    His comment activated a lot of shit. And we have to rememeber he has aspergers and can sometimes lack a filter. But that doesn't free him from the consequence of his words and how they can hurt.
    He has to own that. And yes, he has to help me to build that back up. I have plenty of confidence in myself, but I no longer have much confidence as a lover. And that's his fault.

    I had a long talk with my best friend tonight and he suggested that we try couples counseling.

    I'm open to it.

    The love is there. It's so there.
    I've always said that I've never once doubted his love for me.
    I often doubt his desire for me.

    My friend and I were talking and I told him about the nude cuddling process and he said that was a great start, but it has to progress past that. He said Rob is thinking too much and made this a routine when in the past wed just start making out and it would just progress to sex. Now it's a process. I agree he needs to stop thinking so much and just go with his emotion at the time.

    I know the root of the problem..we are both terrified of failure. Hes feeling emasculated over his ED. I'm feeling undesirable because of my weight. Every encounter we are terrified it wont work.
    It's now a trigger for anxiety.
    So I dont know how to fix that.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The average woman is NOT a porn star.
    The average size woman in America is a size 16-18.
    And that's also considered morbidly obese by doctors.
    *drop jaw* (most doctors are men...) o_O
    Yeah.... So.... I think men need to realize that TV... Internet... Is NOT realistic.
    We need to live in the same room with the same headspace they are creating for our daughters of freak perception of what is going on in this world.
    I have had... A whole litter of children... I am not perfect either.
    I just told my husband last night that I how can it not be personal when you chose to go out, a conscious choice btw... And I was at home, the way I was and you chose NOT me?
    It IS personal.
    It WAS your choice.
    I was okay with who I was, I still am okay with who I am... What I'm not okay with, is your attacking me by choosing to make these decisions.... And acting like it's Not personal attacks on me and how I look.

    But I digress.

    As for the fear of failure.... When we were starting our journey and I was very much on "team husband" still.... We just made it a plan to try every day. My husband has PIED.
    He had to try every day.
    To get over his fear.
    Anxiety made his PIED worse.
    It helped alot.
    Approach for sex Every day.
    Some days you win, some you lose... That's life... But if you don't step to bat, you never know.
    Just knowing he had a shot Every day, helped him. It was the plan. This may work for you, it may not...
    But it is my advice.
    Just open the door... Even just talking about the anxiety can help it go away.
  7. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    I surprised myself last night.

    My anxiety was so high. Just a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. I had to talk about things with Rob.
    Actually it's kind of weird because my phone wasnt auto locking and kept butt dialing him. Like some cosmic thing that was telling me I had to contact him.
    I spent a good amount of time researching.
    Googling things like " PIED", "forgiving an addict",...and then things like "being married to someone with aspergers"
    And then I found a little snippet of an article that answered me.
    "The partner with ASD may also be mechanical and unemotional in bed, or struggle with sex due to sensory sensitivities.

    The partner with ASD may need to learn ways to maintain a daily emotional connection—both inside and outside the bedroom."

    Now.. I knew all this already. I knew his aspergers was a big part of this. Of ALL of this. But to see it in black and white helped to take the blame off myself.

    What a combo I have found. An aspie with a porn addiction.
    But when you think about it... it makes so much sense that an Aspie would develop an addiction like this.
    So I mulled over this for a while.
    Oddly, it put me at ease. But still, that lump persisted. Because I had to ask him a few things.

    We started texting as we normally do..and I asked about his therapy session.
    He said he talked about his ED, but he didnt have much in terms of solutions except for ED meds which is not really an option with him being on other meds.
    I mentioned that the anti depressants might be a factor here as well. Trying to lift at least a little bit of the blame off him and make him feel a bit at ease. Especially since it probably doesnt help..but of course we want him to stay on those meds.
    I decided to ask him some questions. I needed real, honest answers.
    I know better than to ask him questions unless I want the real answer... because he will give me his unfiltered thought. So I was really going out on a limb here.
    1. I will always work toward weight loss for health reasons..but my body will always look somewhat like what it does now. Do you love me just as I am now?
    He said yes.
    2. Do you truly want to have a sexual and intimate relationship with me?
    He said yes.
    3. Do you truly see a future with us,do you really want a marriage,family,and home with me?
    He said yes.

    My basic needs are there. I need to be loved as I am,I need to be desired,and I need to know I'm working toward something.

    Anything else, we can work out.

    I told him the cuddling process was nice at first, but we weren't progressing. We are both basically terrified of each other sexually right now. Hes terrified it will end in ED, I am terrified of the same and that we will never fix this. But I still believe we can eventually.
    I told him my confidence was shot. He had to help me. He has to initiate for a while.
    I said dont ask me to naked cuddle.
    Make out with me and take my clothes off.
    Have fun.
    Fool around.
    Sex is supposed to be fun. Not some mechanical anxiety ridden act.
    We're two people who love each other and theres no reason for us to be so afraid.
    I said that I knew he was trying. He appreciated that.

    Its just going to take some time. And trying.
  8. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    And then last night he confessed to ogling women on his Facebook.
    Cause for every step forward, there must be a step back I guess.
    He said it was one or two. I said are you sure about that? As I logged into his Facebook and saw 4 women in his search history.
    He said a couple of them he was searching for a post or didnt known if he'd deleted them or not.
    Honestly..I search guys too.
    I've searched for friends of my brothers and old boyfriends and whatever.
    But I'm not searching in a lustful way.
    I'm not seeing it in a sexual way. I'm not looking at their profiles longingly. It's kind of a "whatever happened to them" kind of thing.
    So... all in all... it doesn't really bother me *that* much.
    But then again,I dont have a porn addiction
    I dont know what this means.
    All I know is that it hurts that he sees other women. It hurts that here we are in this situation where he cant even bring himself to fuck me and yet he can look at these women.
    Like what the fuck. Honestly.

    Especially since they're all members of his church.

    I usually work sundays. When he said he went to church I was happy about it. I was always glad he was doing something positive.
    Truthfully he generally shows up 15 mins before the service is over because hes forever late for life. He may hang out after to talk to some friends.

    But now that's tarnished.

    Now if he says hes going to church, that seed of suspicion is planted.

    I was never suspicious about him interacting with other women.

    And truthfully..even with all this.... I truly don't think he has it in him to cheat on me.

    But still... it hurts. Especially since these arent untouchable porn women. These are women he can easily interact with.
    One of these women I know he had a crush on at one point. Long before we met. Another acquaintance of his swooped in on her and he was pissed off. He hasnt really interacted with her since. But still.... it makes you wonder.

    I asked him what prompted it. He said its just another part of his addiction. He didn't even realize it was wrong until it was over and he thought about it and realized its psub behavior.
    I'm glad he came clean and at the same time wish I didn't know.
    It just activates suspicion that wasnt there.
    And I told him I signed on to he his girlfriend. Not his police officer.
    I dont want to be the one that has to look up his search history. His texts. Be suspicious when hes out without me.
    One of the boundaries set was that I have the freedom to do this whenever I want. But I try not to. But of course there I was logging into his fb, searching his history and messages.
    Nothing out of the ordinary or alarming.

    I trust him
    But I dont.
    It sucks.

    We had a long talk about it and we worked out some stuff.
    He brought up this article he read that negated the whole " you cant love someone else until you love yourself " and it basically said that in most cases, someone else loving you teaches you that you can love yourself.
    He said it made him think of me.
    I came to a bit of an epiphany about myself.
    I said
    "I love myself. I always have. Its not that I dont love myself. It's just have a hard time believing anyone else does. "
    That goes for friends,parents,and love interests.
    I never really realized that.

    We talked more about him satisfying my emotional needs.
    I said that I wasnt high maintenance. Telling me I look beautiful or random reminders that I am loved go SUCH a long way with me.
    My love languages are most definitely words of affirmation and gestures.

    I don't know. Just a punch in the face.
  9. Cbelle41

    Cbelle41 Fapstronaut

    Well now, that was quite a hiatus, wasnt it?
    I kept opening up the site and starting to post and then didn't.
    I peruse journals and whatnot but havent updated in quite some time.
    I think I needed a break for a while. Seeing everyone elses stories can be supportive and in some cases uplifting, but can also plant seeds of anxiety and doubt and when you're like me,you absorb it. So I guess I needed to step back for a moment and look at our life with a different lens.

    Speaking of anxiety... it is kind of all over the place.
    I've self diagnosed it (yes I see the irony here ) as a generalized anxiety with hypochondria.
    I've been trying new ways of self talk that help..and it seems to work some days.
    Others not so much.
    Like today...not so much.
    2 of my coworkers have had type a influenza and I've been a Google maniac. I gotta stop that.
    Rob actually is hooking me up with this woman who specializes in neurofeedback. I've never tried it but I start on Saturday. Here's hoping.

    As for things with Rob, as expected... it ebbs and flows.
    I've seen great improvements. Hes been more attentive, more open, more empathetic. I am grateful for all of that. We can communicate so well... in person.
    I've decided we just suck at texting.
    But..sadly..sometimes that's all my schedule will allow. I think I'm going to talk to him about just setting aside time when I'm going home from work or something just to chat. There are weeks when I just feel hes so far away. And it's not his fault, our schedules just dont coincide.
    But when we are together, it's great. We've been getting along great, and an apartment might be available for us very soon and we have already started preparing to move.
    I prepared by Marie Kondo-king everything I own. Go ahead, laugh. But mannnn... my life had been exponentially better and smoother ever since. I had no idea what a difference it makes when you know what you have and exactly where it is.
    I'm excited for us to start our lives together and we have severely outgrown our current situation with him schlepping himself to and from my place and the presence of my mother,who...while lovely...is super annoying. Lol.

    But of course there are the low points.
    Last Friday...we had a WONDERFUL night.
    He wanted to take me out, and we got dressed up and went to this amazing restaurant in the city and had a lovely dinner. He was adorable all dressed up...even brought ties and jackets to choose I felt beautiful. He told me I looked beautiful. It was great.

    And then.... we got home..and we tried to get sexual (the sexual tension was thick all night. We were both down. I could tell).
    And.... well,he fell asleep. With his fingers inside me.
    (Sorry if that's tmi... but ...that's what happened. )
    First of all.... I thought this would be in. The. Bag.
    I even wore a lace nighty under a robe to kind of reveal it and... let me tell you... I'm burning that damn thing.
    Every single time I try to be cute and wear it I end up making a fool out of myself. That nightie no longer "sparks joy". It actually sparks humiliation and shame. So that's going in the garbage.
    But... ...I just wish....just once.... he would GO. FOR. IT.
    He hesitates and is slow moving and its like hes fucking terrified of touching me and it's the same routine over and over. I tried to shake it up. I really did.
    And not long into it I hear a very familiar faint snore. He kept moving but I could tell he was drifting in and out.
    Part of me regrets the way I reacted and part of me doesn't. I sat up told him to stop. Actually my words were "never mind". He tried to act as if he didn't know what the problem was and I said "dude you are falling asleep". Of course he tried to deny it and I told him that there was no use in it because I could tell. I told him that I felt humiliated because I went and put on this stupid nightie and tried to be all cute and not only am I not enough to keep him "up" but I'm not even enough to keep him awake. He tried to downplay it remind me that it was very late at night and I do take that into account, but a chick in a black lace nightie lying next to you is not enough to keep you awake for 20 minutes? You don't want this enough to stay alert? It was just embarrassing as hell and I got frustrated because honestly I don't know how to fix this part.
    I felt bad reacting so personally because I just know it's only adding to the anxiety of it.
    But I feel how I feel.
    And my feelings are valid.
    And i should be able to Express them to my partner.
    I cant spend my life tip toeing myself around his issues. I'm here too. And I matter too.
    We are doing so great otherwise and yes, we have made good strides in the sexual department but I just can't seem to make it work and honestly I just want to have sex with my boyfriend and not have to worry about it. I don't want it to be such a source of anxiety for me, and I'm sure for him too. It's like a dark cloud hanging over us and I would really love to figure out how to clear it. And the funny part is, that I know that the reason why we are having trouble is because we have so much anxiety about it but I honestly don't know how to fix it.
    As soon as we start... it's like the cloud appears and we both proceed with so much caution that it sucks all the romance out of it.
    And.... here,I'm going to say it. I'm sick of foreplay being our sexual activity.
    But every time we've tried intercourse with only few exceptions... its failed. It makes me feel like I failed.
    I just love him so deeply and I want all of this to work.
    Its just so frustrating how otherwise,we are so good.
    It's almost to the point where I dont even want to try for sex anymore.
    Its humiliating. I want to be wanted. I deserve to be wanted.
    I know he does... or strongly believe so, anyway. I would hate to think he is putting me through this for shits and giggles. I know this bothers him too.
    But neither of us know how to lift this cloud.
    Just plugging along and hoping to fix this one problem in an otherwise great relationship.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
  10. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I suppose if there ever were a New Testament, Volume 2.
    There would be a an epic
    response to that.

    Recall the thought;
    planned expectations
    are planned disappointments.

    I am too tired at night and find morning events best. :rolleyes:

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