Journey to the Unknown (pt 2)....Married & Alone

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Kenzi, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut



    This is not where I planned to be.
    It's not where I'm sure any of us Thought we'd be.
    It's where I have to submit myself.
    I am... Here.
    I thought I could cleanly walk away from NoFap, or at least wanted too.... But unfortunately, I am back and I'm back sooner than I'd like to be.

    I'm back for lots of reasons too, the main one being, I'd like to put in a place, for my husband to read, (my side of the IA journey) This IA journal and I fear if I put it to paper, he might not find it.
    I'm sure by now, plenty of you also read his journal and i know he won't just wander over here, to the SOs side anymore since he doesn't read this section anymore.

    Confession - I poked a read at the first two pages of his journal today. It's full of compliments and lovey talking about me... It made me cry. In our whole relationship and marriage the most my husband has ever Said To Me that was complimentary was "your great" or "dinner is good".
    His words online are all "beautiful" and "sexy" and I have never once heard him say these to me or about me out loud the entire time I have known him.

    I cried.... So... Hard.
    I really long for him to say something nice to me... Ever.
    Rock_Star always seems so nice to everyone else.
    A master gaslighter behind closed doors.
    For dumb things even.
    Over taking the trash out to taking pictures with me on our anniversary.
    And then I'm crazy for feeling... Anything.
    I learned in doing the IA, it's not me trying to get him to be responsible for his addiction that's the problem...
    It's me starting the conversation with "I feel..",
    because I'm not 'allowed' to feel anything because he doesn't let himself access his own feelings.
    This is very difficult for him to admit and address.
    He did apologize for this already and taking this responsibility has meant the world to me.


    Today is day 6.

    Its been a fight but so far... This is what the week has looked like...
    Lots of fighting.
    We are doing the committed take home courses.

    Day 1) we each read one chapter (I cried)
    Day 2) we each read chapter 2... (I cried some more)
    Day 3) we both started our workbooks
    Day 4) I realized and called him out on IA behavior.
    (I had a very overwhelming triggering day)
    We worked through it and the day ended nice.
    Day 5) he made small but to me HUGE effort in stopping his IA behavior. This lead to lots of laughs and a great end of day.
    Day 6) woke up and questioned his own behavior. Immediately changed it. Stopped me from triggering and getting upset. I was able to prevent a fight later when I saw him getting overwhelmed.
    I am literally seeing our patterns of emotion and behavior change.

    He's always been great at the AFTER the fight.
    Because he knows all about making it better. But if he knew how to make it better... Why does he let it get bad in the first place? Because he Needs it to be bad. He NEEDS* It to be BAD.
    I'm Not Crazy.
    Rock_Star said so.
    He apologized.
    He withholds from me on purpose to control me.
    So I stay over here.
    So I stay distant.

    It hurts.
    That hurts.

    Now... I can never focus on anything else going on with my life, myself... Nothing.

    I'm sure another thing anyone who has read any of the old journals has noticed or questioned is probably "why is Kenzi always sick?" or "wasn't she just sick?"
    And
    Yes I was.
    I am... "sick".
    I have to stop avoiding it and just accept it.
    This is one of the hardest things I've ever done.


    This will be my journal committing back into my marriage.

    This will be the Journey into the Unknown with the Stranger I Married who left me Alone and getting to Really know him... & him getting to know me.
    I guess we will see how this goes.

    Blessed be,
    Kenzi
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2018
  2. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Not sick @Kenzi, just really, really wounded.

    I kind of hope IA is the real problem for you guys & things get fixed correctly instead of slapping bandaids on everything!

    I am curious....how did y'all get the ball rolling on the IA & was rockstar receptive to this being potentially the primary problem?
     
  3. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    IA?
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thank you.
    I was referring to my autoimmune disorder that is spiraling out of control at the moment.
    Back after my cancer about a decade ago and the birth of my last kid, I ended up sick... I've been putting it off... Usually I'm OKay for a few years at a time...then sick for a couple weeks.... Now with the betrayal trauma, I'm just declining.
    I'm sick every single day.
    The last 7 months I haven't climbed back out.
    Im in the hospital sometimes every couple of weeks.
    It's a actual battle.
    Not of anxiety, but my body literally quits.
    So fun.
    The best part is there is no time for Sick Kenzi with the fighting or making up cycles we do.
    Which is why I am back.
    I know... I wasn't gone long.
    But.. It was my homework today. Tsk.
    (reach out - and I did)


    As for Rock_Star... I am rebooting myself from P&M because we use to do so together, and I myself have a AP too... she is also rebooting with her husband and he is IA. She had sent me some stuff a while ago... I of course, in denial, no no no, not MY husband (*rolls eyes - I'm a idiot) Finally decided to watch it.
    I cried.
    It WAS US.
    So when he was doing his laundry...
    I pulled it up so he Had to listen...
    And he did.
    It worked.
    He listened.
    I wasn't forcing him to hear it, (even though I wanted him to, of course) we were just in the same room and he obviously heard it and listened and started getting interested... And going "THAT IS ME!"
    It was a difficult realization, I'm sure.
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Intimacy Anorexia
     
  6. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    oh okay, gotcha. I thought, hehehe, at first it meant instant answer. haha. Be safe out there. And take care of yourself.
     
    cakeinacrisis likes this.
  7. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    Interesting.....
    Either my mother's cancer diagnosis, my husband's problem, or the 2 together earned me an autoimmune diagnosis this summer....not sure which yet. Stress has absolutely triggered this. I have never had a thing wrong with me in my life & the minute 2 traumatic events happen to me, my body freaks. Adds another worry to the list....


    I've been really torn about denial. Do we deny or do we just really see the potential in our husbands? Either way, I guess it's not our job to fix.
    It's like watching a train wreck IRL.

    hope you're feeling better; glad to see you back :)
     
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  8. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    I just use ( and I hope you understand what I am saying ), porn as a stress relief and until things cool down again I will start exercising and being more active.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*



    Day 7)

    So this morning after some cuddling, which I'm not usually a fan of in the morning..
    (Or anytime since the last Dday)
    which turned to some nice sex...
    (I was feeling a little bit uninhibited)... Unusual.
    I can't bare to kiss Rock_Star on the mouth these days most of the time.
    It's too "intimate" for me.
    He broke this part.
    Of us.
    It's broken.
    He put this wall.. This veil, this... Something in between us.
    It's always present and I always feel it.
    Rock_Star wants to be closer now, I know everything...
    I want to be further away...
    I know everything....
    He's a stranger.
    We are strangers who know each other.
    But this morning we both had no qualms and were together briefly.
    After, we were laying together and he said "I like hanging out with you"
    *Oi.
    *Ouch.
    Wait.... A compliment????
    Yes.
    I verbally poked at him...
    More like a hiss...
    "that's something you would say to your sister"
    I immediately took it back.
    (I apologized)
    I thought to yesterday.
    Just yesterday I had been crying because he never says anything nice about me.
    Granted it's not the greatest...
    But it's new.
    It's different than the usual two "goods" I get.
    .... I'll take it.
    You have to Walk before you can Run.
    This was difficult for him.
    I could see it.
    I, instead, pointed out that I think he overuses "I love you" when he should be saying praises.... Which is why I don't say I love you as often as him.
    I think it's become a default.
    I don't like it.
    He thought about it.
    After more talk about other things we went to get out of bed and Rock_Star said I love you... And I said really?
    Sometimes I say this, sometimes I say 'I know' (it's a Star Wars joke)
    Rock_Star paused.
    He said "no, I mean, sex was fun"
    I about fell out of bed!!

    We went for coffee and kids and I was worried Rock_Star was going to "rush" himself through the morning.
    When didn't, I was happy and I actually reached out and gave him a hug.
    I feel niceish today... So far.
    I did my workbook and plan on reading my book book later and doing my meeting call...
    So I might write more later.

    As of this moment, a week into IA reboot, this is the Most Healing thing we have ever done since our first Dday.
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So, I am making a quick note -
    I finally made my doctors appointment.
    This will be the doctor appointment that leads to the other doctors appointments.
    Yay (sarcasm) for modern medicine...
    If it didn't exist I'd be dead.
    This is it. No going back.
    I feel nauseous.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And... My happiness over the compliments this morning were short lived as he just insulted me in the bank.
    We were flirting, and Rock Star took it too far.
    I called him mean.
    It was mean.
    He stopped and reflected and apologized afterwards during the next errand...
    No fighting just a "I'm sorry"
    After a period of silence and time.
    Home now for kids and more IA work.
    After dinner, of course.
    Progress... Not perfection.
    That's what's important.
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Day 8)

    *TRIGGERS*

    More of the conversation last night -
    Rock_Star said he wasn't a 3rd grader and I'm not a 2nd grader and we aren't on a playground. He shouldnt bully me, I'm his wife. It's not 'cute' anymore. He shouldn't be trying to impress anyone... Who is he trying to impress? I'm his wife. He should be loving me, showing me love.
    This is good reflection.
    I asked him WHY?
    Rock_Star said when we were flirting, it was public and too close for his comfort, being nice and PDA (we weren't touching) so he was mean to distance himself from me. This is habit. Getting too close... Push away!
    He couldn't stand the idea subconsciously being intimate with me.
    But he wants intimacy and he's sorry.
    He does want closeness.

    HOWEVER.....
    Just because we made up didn't mean I was feeling the love, during sex I couldn't stand the idea of him kissing me during sex. (at all)
    I finally broke down and told him it was too intense and intimate for me after being so publicly cruel.
    Rock_Star was understanding and took this well.
    Didn't fight.
    Didn't blame me.
    Didn't get defensive.
    Didn't sigh or get passive aggressive.
    He was just accommodating.
    I was... Relieved.
    I enjoyed being close during sex, without being too intimate.
    Rock_Star was just simply THERE for me.
    Betrayal Trauma sucks.
    I know, in hindsight, this is probably a unfair request on him.
    His understanding, and his compassion was a gift I have never received before.

    This morning, I'm still feeling distant.
    He's not discouraged by it.
    We had a pleasant morning with the kids and coffee before he left for work.

    My lesson today is on being Thankful.
    I am Thankful for recovery and to not be going down the Rabbithole farther?
    Yes.
    I suppose.
    I am thankful Rock_Star is becoming self aware.
    I am thankful Rock_Star is becoming a better father.
    Am I Thankful I stayed?
    (will This be worth it?)
    I am thankful I listened to the IA video and we can finally find the roots to our marriage rot.
    I can be Thankful.
    I will be Thankful in 3 weeks or in 7 weeks when I see if he can stick to this.
    Those are when he tends to drop projects.
    This whole thing is 12 weeks long.
    I will be Thankful IF we get to the end.
    (Rock_Star has a tendency to quit things he starts)
    For That.... I suppose, I'm Hopeful.

    In other notes - -
    Health wise, today I feel great.
    I never get really good kick ass days, so I'm just kind of enjoying it. I know it won't last, so I suppose I'm thankful for that today.
    I'm going to make a nice dinner.
    Because i can. :)
     
  13. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome! My SO has health issues and while I can't fully understand what she goes through what I do know is stress makes things worse. Based on what you said your stress level was probably low so your body had time to heal.

    I hope things continue to improve. Everyday is a challenge but nothing worth doing is easy.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    9)

    Today I'm supposed to start the 5 commandments of healing.
    Because I am Druid and not Christian, I will be journaling on and offline twice a day in place of praying.

    I feel like this whole morning, Rock_Star is avoiding me though...
    Projects and cleaning.
    Ah yes, even cleaning.
    My house is now very clean, my children and animals have been scolded and I have scolded him for scolding them... There is no need for this much stress over vacuuming that I could do tomorrow when we could be having a relaxing morning since it's his day off.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    9)-2

    This is my second post of the day.... Lots of conversations have happened today.
    Porn around co-workers and friends and the 5 commandments of healing... Children and technology...
    It's been such a busy day.
    A fight lashed out earlier because I'm sick of the distance Rock_Star creates over... Nothing, really.
    Just nothing.
    It's always nothing.
    He's now creating reasons like vacuuming (the house doesn't need fuckin vacuumed) to not interact with me.
    No, I'm not grateful either for him helping around the house. The house is pristine.
    It's a excuse that he doesn't have to look at me.
    It's making me disgusted with myself!
    I'm finally losing weight, and not the healthy way either... It's so stressful!
    15 min he had to wait for something today... Rock_Star chose to do anything but talk to me, wait with me, be anywhere near me.
    15 min.
    Why.... Why bother with someone who wants nothing to do with you to such a extreme measure?
    And tomorrow we take my brother for a drive.
    It's going to be a long day.
    Health Notes- Stomach pains this evening... Finally starting to subside after a few hours.
    We shall see how it goes tomorrow.
    Rock Star wants to do the Intensives... Suuuure.
    My Thoughts??
    You just want the get fixed quick method.
    Do the damn work.
    And we shall see how it goes.
    More tomorrow.
    Good night y'all
     
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    10)-1


    So... Last nights talks were productive.. Rock_Star actually cuddled me last night. (I'm hoping it wasn't just for last night..)
    This is something we Really fight about.
    My version of cuddling is against each other and his is next to each other - not necessarily touching... I'm like How can it even Be cuddling if two people aren't touching??
    Anyways... Busy day...
    And I've already saved a life this morning...so I'm sure I'll write more later on second reflection.
    TTFN
    Ta ta for now!
     
  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    10) 1.5

    *TRIGGERS*

    Some afterthoughts....
    But I was rushed earlier...

    Me and Rock_Star were discussing things last night and talking about sex.
    (of course)
    And the conversation became about desire
    (of course)

    Anyways, we had been continuing a earlier conversation on him initiating sex and when we have sex.
    ORIGINALLY, he had been very gaslighting and said "I want it all the time"
    and refused to hear
    me say - "no, I don't, I just want desire to do it more than just the same time of day. This means various times, not necessarily more often. Like morning or noon... Spontaneous would be good.
    It's difficult to feel desired when you only want to have sex the same time every day, even if we are doing it everyday"

    So... Later this conversation broke down to Rock_Star saying - "he doesn't like people to think we are having sex."

    WHAT?!?
    Yes.

    He's Embarrassed to think people are thinking we are doing it and when people are awake and he is doing it he thinks about them thinking about him doing it.

    What?!

    "What does he care what people think??"
    -I asked-
    "Isn't the point of every man's sexual evolution growing up to have sex?
    Isn't that what all the porn is about??"

    Rock_Star said - "I didn't want anyone to know about the porn."
    I said - "ok, but still... Isn't the point... Sex??
    Isn't it the bottom line? The whole point? What do you care what people think? You are a grown man.
    We fight about sex All The Time.
    Your withholding. The lack of love and praise about it. The anger you feel about it. This is a whole existence of a plague in our marriage."

    Rock_Star said - "the kids...."

    (cutting him off) I said - "what about them? Are you telling me that you would rather have the kids comment on our fighting than saying 'gross mommy and daddy love each other' because they figured out were still sexually active?"

    (Rock_Stars mouth fell open)

    He said - "whoa. I never thought of it like that. Nobody I ever saw in a couple was lovey growing up"

    I said - "well now you have a chance to write a new story. How do you want it to be for OUR kids? Fighting like your parents or do you want to be 'Gross' but happy in front of ours?"

    We kissed and made up.



    This is the short version of the discussion.
    It broke down pretty much like that.
    I'd rather have the kids say things like..."its cool you and mom like each other but gross when you kiss in front of us" around the house than "why is dad being mean again?"

    Yesterday I also couldn't even try to lighten the load by saying I'd like to do more of his chores because Rock_Star has been working so hard at work without him blaming me for saying that I didn't appreciate him vacuuming.
    Like... We couldn't even talk about it.
    It was instant blame.
    As soon as I said "can I talk to you about the dishes please?"

    Baby steps....
    We will see how the rest of the day goes.
     
  18. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Just from an outsider perspective, I think RS's most recent progress, the IA stuff, is really making a difference. I can understand how the fear about "people knowing we're having sex" thing could be a major head-scratcher for you, but as a recovering IA myself, the fact that he told you about his fear is a great sign that progress is happening. He probably didn't even recognize it as fear until recently. You are likely going to run into a lot more puzzling fears of his as his recovery progresses. Keep in mind that these illogical beliefs were likely formed in childhood, so they don't use the common logic of the adult brain. I was just reading yesterday that the primary damage from caretaker trauma occurs at age 6 and younger because of the way the brain develops (from bottom to top). So the same part of the developing brain that can fully believe in the tooth fairy can also believe that displays of truly intimate physical affection might lead to dire consequences like abuse, abandonment, neglect, shaming, etc...

    You'll probably never be able to fully "get it" until he's resolved it and can trace how he got to Point Z from Point A. I didn't have his exact fear about people knowing about sex, but I relate to it. I once blew up with rage because a girl I was friends with mentioned to a male friend of mine that she liked some writing of mine that I'd shown her. I was furious because I hid my more sensitive aspects from everyone. I remember dreading telling anyone at work that I'd gotten engaged because I figured I'd be ridiculed (for being "soft"?). I could cite a million examples of illogical beliefs and fears about exposing what I thought were my unacceptable qualities.

    What I'm really just trying to say is that I think your stripper girlfriend is probably an alright gal, dude.
     
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  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Thanks man :)
    *fist bump*
    Who knew?
     
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  20. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Kenzi - I've been away a while. your new tone seems really healthy. I'm happy for you :)

    can I ask what IA curriculum/videos/workbooks are you using?
     
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