A squirrely Journal

Day 77 no PM, and 5 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 16 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Work on "Trust" Bible study
• Read some more of my book
• Stay busy

The last few days my saws and notices have been way down. I've had 4 saws and no notices in the last 2 days. I have noticed that most all of my saws and notices are when I am either driving or walking somewhere. I have started to read license plates when I'm waiting at a stoplight and that's helped keep my numbers down a lot. When I'm walking, I'm trying to just keep my head busy with thoughts. I have found the busier I am, the less I see.

I've decided to start journaling in a notebook in addition to nofap. As I get farther along in my recovery, I'm becoming more opinionated and I'm worried about upsetting people. Plus nofap is for PA recovery, so I am trying to keep PA journals here and journal my full life in a notebook.

 

Day 80 no pm, and 1 day out from last relapse.

Feb. 19, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Try to be happy

Had a fight Friday night with my wife. Wife tried to give me a handjob and I felt really nervous and ended up fighting with her. It was the first attempt at a hand job since D-Day so I was triggered. The next morning we fought and I said some pretty manipulative things like I used to when I was using P. After a long while, we finally talked and I said sorry. The rest of the day went well.

Sunday morning I woke up and the wife was mad. I found out later that it was because she was worried about me hurting her, so she was trying to put up a wall.

Sunday I was depressed. I had no saws or notices because I just had no desire to look around. At one point I was thinking about looking, then I thought "what's the point, there is no reason to. I used to look because I'd use that image for later. I'm not M anymore what's the point." Today I'm trying to be happy and I'm trying to be nice. I still feel depressed. Hopefully I can shake out of it.

 

Day 81 no pm, 2 days out from last relapse

Feb. 20, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Be happy for family
• Go over past notes

Yesterday I had one saw. I felt the same way I felt Sunday, I see no point in looking. Yesterday my wife had a relapse in one of her personal goals. I told her "we start relapsing when we start to disconnect from each other". I just realized this yesterday. All of my lying relapses have been when my wife and I aren't spending enough quality time together.

Today, I still feel blue. I feel like I'm in a different kind of fog than I used to be. In a pmo fog you don't really know anything going on around you. At times when this new fog comes about it's like the fog you can see over but it's still all around you. For example, Sunday, my wife and son were playing in the kitchen. They're laughing and having a good time and I was just sitting there feeling like I was a million miles away but clearly seeing everything in front of me. I just didnt have enough energy to get up and be a part of it. I just felt too far away. I'm trying to think of what really brought all this about. I've been feeling guilty for the things I've done. I've messed up what could have been a perfect life for my wife and me. I chose to fulfill my own wants over others that I was supposed to take care of. Truth is, I have had a lot of people hurt me in my life, but that didn't give me the excuse to disconnect from those that needed me. I turned to P when I should have turned to God and my wife.

 

Day 82 no PM, 3 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 21, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Be nice to wife
• Read my book
• Go over past notes

I started reading a book yesterday not related to PA. I could not put it down. I have always wanted to want to read but in the past when I would read, it was so stressful I would get tired. I would get tired not bored. Both reading and spelling are very hard for me, however, it is getting easier since I have stopped PMOing. It was nice to just enjoy reading a book for once.

Yesterday, was a good day. I was felt down most of the day, but was happier when I got home to my wife. After I got home, we all went for a walk. After walking, we went home and the wife made dinner. We ate dinner while watching cartoons with the kids. After we put the kids down to bed, we had some "us time"Then around 9,the wife and I went downstairs, talking and having a good time, while I played a video game.

Last night as I was playing my game, I realized I was not just focused on my game. As I was playing, I was also talking to the wife. This is unheard of. Normally, when I play a game, I only hear and see the game, nothing else.

 

Day 84 no pm, 4 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 22, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Try not to have any saws or notices
• Journal
• Find an app to put all my notes in
• Study for test on Monday

Yesterday was good until the evening. I had no saws or notices until I went to get gas at a gas station. I could tell that I might have a hard time by the way I was feeling so I let my son come with me to pay for gas. I had a saw when I got inside. As we were leaving, I had a notice as I was walking to my car. It's been 8 days since my last notice and I was feeling pretty defeated. My wife asked "what do you think caused the notice?"
I think it was a lot of little things that added up; I just got done taking a test, I was triggered by my old self when my wife was going through my phone and I got that panicked feeling, had sex twice yesterday, and I forgot to set my 20 minute alarm when I was playing video games last night. The is the 2nd time that a lot of little things have added up and made me have a notice.

At the gas station, my wife said I saw some other woman I don't remember. She said that I was watching her so hard that our son was tripping and I didn't notice him. Here's the thing, she's probably right but I don't remember this person at all and that bothers me. To think I oogled some person I don't remember and it makes me wonder if this happens a lot and I don't know. The whole thing makes me feel sick.

I have a blue folder I keep all my recovery and Bible study notes in. The other day I thought I lost it. I searched everywhere for my folder and after about 30 minutes I found it. The scary thing is, I have put so many hours of notes in my note book, there's no way I could ever replace it. So I'm looking into storing it digitally with a app on my phone.

 

Day 85 no pm, 5 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 23 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Start putting notes into OneNote
• Read my book
• Be nice to wife

Yesterday I had one saw. I avoided a notice by looking at another guy ogling her.

Yesterday I went to work, and stayed fairly busy, then went home and made dinner. After dinner, we took the kids to their grandparents so the wife and I could go to therapy.

On the way to therapy, the wife and I were discussing what we would talk to about in therapy, and we couldn't think of anything really major to talk about. We had really a good week for the most part, and when we had a problem we resolved it quickly..... we were wrong.

After catching our therapist up on the last two weeks, we started talking about my suicide attempt back in October. Recently, my wife was watching a movie where the main character tried killing herself the same way I did, and she looked just like I did.
We realized we had not dealt with any of the pain that was caused by my suicide attempt. Immediately after my suicide attempt, D-day happened and so we have been focused on our respective recoveries.

After R was done speaking, I told the therapist that I had watched the suicide scene in the movie. She asked "How did that make you feel"? I said "I felt my face turn white, I felt in shock that I had done that to Rachie. I felt guilty for putting my family through so much pain. I felt guilty for what I almost did to my wife and kids. I felt like there isn't any way I could have done that, almost like I was seeing someone else do that. It's like looking down in a dream."

After I expressed my feelings, the therapist asked "Have you forgiven yourself?" I said "yes". The therapist said that at that time, I felt like there was no hope. She said that, often, when people do what I did, it is a cry for help.

I've started realizing some things. First, I had no hope and because of the PMO fog, I could not think clearly.

Second, I started thinking back to when I was a kid. When I was around 5 or 6 I went to daycare. Now I was not bullied, but I didn't like to seeing other kids being bullied. So when a group of kids started pushing little kids around, I would always step in and get beat up. On my last day at daycare, it was just me and one of the bullies. So since he wasn't surrounded by his friends, I started a fight with him in front of the daycare people. Of course, she broke up the fight and when my grandma came to pick me up, our daycare teacher told my grandma what had happened. As we were walking out the door, the owner of the daycare said in a very snide way, "we are starting to have a lot of problems with that one". I never went back.

When I was 11, I ran away from home. I loved school but I had a hard time with homework. When I needed help, my dad or grandma would help me. Unfortunately, my dad was not patient. When I would get upset about my homework, he would yell, call me stupid and hit me in the back of the head. That was the reason I ran away. I was afraid of asking my dad for help. I was gone for 23 hours. I chose to come back because I was worried about my mother. She was pregnant with my youngest sister.

When I was almost home, a cop stopped me, asked me some questions, and then he took me home. When I got there, most of my family had gathered at the house, except for the ones who were out looking for me. My dad was not at the house waiting for me, neither was he searching in the woods with the search party. He was hiding from the cops. Later that night when the cops had left and things had settled down, my dad came home. As soon as we were alone, he said accusingly "I can't believe you did that to me! Don't you know you gave the police just what they wanted? They came in here (he was speaking of his room) and went through all my things." (My dad was a drug dealer btw)

Dad never asked if I was ok, never told me if he had been worried, never said "I love you." It was all about him. Nothing ever came of me running away and it was never spoken about again.

When I was around 15, I started cutting myself and a few times I burned myself. One day I had my grandma come to my room and I showed her my back. I had taken a knife and cut my back all up. After showing her the cuts, I told her "I need help." she said "ok" but could not look at me.

I now understand that she could not look at me because of the pain she was feeling. A few weeks later, I went to a therapist. At that time, therapy did not help me. The therapist basically told me to just try to make it to my 18th birthday when I could leave home and everything would be better.

So, as a kid, through the actions of my family, and the people I was supposed to be able to trust, I learned that no matter what you do, no one will take care of you. Life is hard, but you have to bear it alone. If you have a problem, fix it yourself. People only pretend to care if you do something drastic.

 

Day 87 no PM, 7 day out from last relapse.

Feb. 26, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Study for test
• Write in NoteOne

My weekend went well. On Saturday, I watched the kids while Rachie went to music practice. We had a lot of fun watching dinosaur cartoons.

When R is going to be out of the house for an extended amount of time, I check in with her every hour. I also let her know what shows I'm watching and games I'm playing. I also try to send pictures of the kids throughout the day. Checking in with her helps her feel less scared about how I'm doing when she's gone.

Sunday went really good. I had no saws or notices. Last night when we were sleeping R woke me up. I was giving indicators that I was pleasuring myself. I was completely asleep so when she woke me up, I had no idea what she was talking about. I told her I wasn't doing what she thought I was doing. I also told her I was happy she woke me up and if that happens again to wake me up.

Before and a little bit after D-day, I would do a lot of moving around in my sleep in a sexual way but that stopped around day 29. Being told I did it again just makes me sick and I wonder if this has happened to anyone else?

We talked for 2 hours after she woke me up. She told me she knew I used to get up in the middle of the night and "go to the bathroom" and how depressed she got. Back then, I knew she was depressed, but I did not know I was the cause of the depression because of my porn use. We have been married almost 6 years and I was a PA before we ever met. On average, when people get married they have a lot of sex, at least in the beginning. We didn't. My porn use messed that all up. She told me she would call her mom up almost every day asking "what I'm I doing wrong? Why doesn't he want me?" She knew I looked up porn but nether of us knew that I was a PA at that time. For almost 6 years, I have gaslighted R and chose P over her. After everything R told me last night I don't know why she stayed but I'm happy she did.

 

I have tried OneNote and love it it's everything I have wanted for a phone app and more. Thinks for the recommendation.

 

Thanks for your support. It means a lot.

 

Day 88 no pm, and 8 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 27, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Read someone else's journal
• Do some deep thinking

Yesterday was good. I had no saws or notices. I'm overjoyed about this. Yesterday I had to work in an office area with lots of women.

I have started watching my coworkers more and more when they ogle and it's disgusting. Seeing others ogling is starting to make me mad. I've started thinking things like "don't you know how that makes women feel" and "do you know how pathetic you look." It annoys me when someone says something like "all American" or "look at that". It seems like my coworkers have gotten worse since I have stopped and at times they tell me it's OK to just look, but I know its not.

Rachie and I went back over D-day. This is the 2nd time we have talked about D-day. I felt sick when she told me she wanted to talk everything over again from the beginning. She wasn't mad, she just wanted to check some things that she was not sure about. So I went as far back as 6 and stopped at yesterday. I told her everything that I could remember and was able to tell her in more detail. She told me that she might need to do this again, because as I come out of the PMO fog, I am starting to remember things that I had forgotten.

For me, going back over everything shows me a new view. I'm at a point in my recovery that I am starting to see what I have done and can't believe it was me. Truthfully, I don't want to believe it. I am realizing that I am a PA and that I didn't really understand how much damage I was doing.

 

I forgot to add this in my journal earlier.

R and I were having sex yesterday when all of a sudden the fog felt completely gone. I felt things I have never felt before. In that moment, I felt love for Rachie so intensly that even thinking about it now as I'm typing, I'm shaking. R picked up on it because my facial expressions were not the same as they normally would be. After sex I told her "please don't hurt me". I felt the love I have for my wife and I felt fear. I did not even know I had a wall up to keep people from getting too close. I felt real fear. I'm scared of being hurt by people who love me.

 

Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I will be praying for you too.

I'm 89 days now and much of what you said I have now experienced first hand, but I know there is always more to learn and feel as my recovery progresses.

I remember, when I was in the PMO fog, not paying any real attention to my kids and how mean I was to my wife. I made everything about me. Now I try to have some sort of time with the love of my life every day, either watching a movie, cuddling or just talking. With the kids, I play with them and I read the "kids Bible" and pray with them before bed. Being here, and having this time with them, is by far, the best thing I have ever experienced on earth.

 

I will check it out thanks.

 

Day 89 no PM and 9 days out from last relapse (lying)

Feb. 28, 2018
My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• OneNote
• Study for test

Yesterday I had one saw. I went and got new tires yesterday and as I was backing out, a woman walked behind my car. I think the rush of adrenaline is what made me tempted to look again.

After going back over D-day, I had the realization that part of my addictive behaviour is do to adrenaline rush. There is some excitement that comes with "not getting caught".

Yesterday, R was upset with me because I don't recognize when she is trying to show me love through "Acts Of Service". I told her that I keep a wall up and it's a wall I didn't even know I had. Rachie tries to make sure I look nice, she likes to make me lunch, and lots of other little things that I don't recognize as her loving me. I told her "sorry and that my problem is she's the only person who's ever done any of those things because you love me." My grandparents kept clothes on my back and I'm grateful, but as far as how I looked, they did not care.