A squirrely Journal

I'm 8 days PM and 3 days PMO. I started this morning super happy. It feels like my brain is trying to just give me dopamine at times. I'm also super focused. For years, it has felt like I've been in a haze or fog. When I play on games my reaction times are much faster. Normally, it takes me a long time just to think about what I'm even doing on the game.

(I have noticed that if I do something that I like doing, my brain gives me a dopamine rush. Like getting a cup of coffee, or winning on my game. So I'm trying not to do anything that gives a rush too much.)

As the day is going on, I'm super moody. I'm happy one second,and angry the next. I'm having to tell myself what people are doing or saying, I'm taking it the wrong way.

I'm encouraged even though I'm moody, because I know that the moodiness is my brain fixing itself. I'm looking forward to seeing who I am without the p*** affecting who I am.

 

9 days no PM and 4 days no PMO.
Spent most the day in bed with the wife... No sex. There are times where I feel emotion now, and it feels so intense. I never realized how emotionless I felt. I have felt nothing for so long that I thought it might be depression or I had some kind of autism.

I have always tried thinking of things for me and my son to do, such as, when we got rid of his crib and we put up his new toddler bed he also got a toy tool belt, and "help" build it with me. It's one of my favorite memories of us. Now that I'm getting emotion I realize how much I've missed. I was like a zombie trying to tell a joke, there was just nothing inside. I'm thankful that I'm doing this now, when my son is 3 so that I don't have to miss out on anymore.

 

10 days no PM and 5 days PMO.
My day started off bad... Really bad. I'm starting to move around in my sleep now like in a sexual way. This happeneds everytime I start to get away from porn. (I wonder sometimes if anyone else ever does this. I have heard of sleep talking but I've never read on any threads people actually moving in their sleep.) On top of that I almost had a wet dream.... I think? What I remember is I was asleep and some girl (I don't now what she looked like) came up to me in a sexy way and was about to touch me. My only thought was !!!NO!!! And in my sleep I pushed her away so hard I woke up with a violent push forward hard enough that it pushed our blankets off the bed and woke my son up in the other room. So needless to say it woke my wife up and she wanted to know what happened so I told her. I think she thinks I'm lieing when I'm not, but, I can't be mad at her for that I've lied so long that I got a long way to go before she can begin to trust me again.

When I woke up my day started off like any normal Sunday. Get up change my son take him downstairs make him something for breakfast go back upstairs get a shower. Know normally I would get my clothes on for church after my shower but today I got up a little early so I was going to lay down for like 10 minutes. When I did my wife came in the room, she was looking good, hot, unbelievable this morning and she was fully clothed. I just looked at her.... and could hardly breathe.... I didn't think any dirty thoughts I didn't focus on any one body part I just saw her as her. Then without trying without some weird thought going through my head I had an erection. I have been having problems with ED and I don't think I have ever in my adult life had an erection without thinking of sex. I feel like it's a huge breakthrough.

Went to church it was amazing our pastor preached on faith and inviting people to church. After church we went out to eat with my in-laws. Then came home.

Every Sunday me and my wife fight when we get home. I usually go downstairs get ready for the next day play my game or watch a show with the kids. then put the kids down for the night, go back downstairs play on my game and then at some point go back upstairs. have some sort of fight with my wife then go to bed. I was hoping to avoid that tonight. I'm beginning to just want to be around her but the day ended up like any other Sunday except when we got home from church. We put the kids down for a nap. So I asked her what she wanted to do? She said just go do what we always do.

Now of course, I would like to go play my game but I'm tired of not having time with her before I go to work during the week. She finally told me after over an hour of me pushing the subject what she really wanted to do. Which was being held by
that time my son was up and we needed to take him to get his tablet fixed. I didn't get to hold her at that time. When I got back she wanted to know how I did away from home in regards to checking out other women.

I told her not bad she pushed it and we talked about saw and noticing other women. I have not in 10 days done more than these two things. It has helped me tremendously in many areas of my life. I'm beginning to talk to women differently and more and more my wife is meaning so much more. Which I can't even believe cuz she's my world when we got that settled.

My son was put down for the night and me and my daughter went downstairs and watched cartoons for little bit. When I put her down for bed I went back into our bedroom were my wife was and asked what do you want to do now? I know she said earlier she wanted held but now she was telling me to go play my game and just do what we always do. I made the wrong decision. I made me a bowl of ice cream and got on my game. I really didn't care to get on my game I really just wanted to hold her but I felt defeated and tired. I told myself I'll play for 30 minutes and go back up there maybe she will be okay. As I was playing she came down the stairs got mad and went back upstairs. I turn my game off and followed after her but she didn't want to talk and now I'm talking into my phone while she's downstairs on the couch and I don't know what to do? I want to say don't be mad, don't you know you're my world don't you know I do love you I just don't think she'll hear me.

 

Thinks Pearl I wonder about the autism because people who are on the autism spectrum don't typically show empathy well.

 

Having a great morning fond a emoji. If anyone cures to know, yes finding a new emoji that matches my profile name and no temptations this morning. Is all it takes for me to have a good morning.

Wife caught me in a lie a few days ago. She almost kicked me out of the house. But she's giving me one last chance. I have until the end of the day to let her know everything, I have done regarding porn. At this point I feel like she knows everything but I'm worried that I'm forgetting something and she will find out and I won't remember it. Then that will be it.

Last night we talk more and I opened up more to her. Then she opened up to me. I've had a problem with porn before we ever got married. We did not understand the effects of porn like we do know. So when we had sex I was not there and she didn't understand. She thought she was not pretty enough, nice enough, maybe she was doing something wrong?... She didn't know it was me not her because she is amazing in all those ways. After same time of me not being there she started fantazing about me but I wasn't really me. It's been going on for years. Know she's having problems being with me.

I blame myself because she would have never needed that if I was there. I never new how bad porn could effect a marriage. I my self have only started having "sex" real sex, the way love is supposed to be. It's the most amazing thing I have ever had. Had I new I would have never cheated use.

Today I feel closer then ever with my wife. We have never been so open to each other. I can't wait to get to get home and see her. I find myself picking out my nieces clothes when we go out. Even to the store just because I want her to see me. I used to pick out my best clothes when I was going by myself, because I wanted to feel attractive to somebody. Know I don't care, I go in my worst clothes when I'm by myself and I don't care what people think.

 

I'm 17 days PM, 3 days games, and 0 days O free. Had a O with the wife this morning. I'm worried about P-subs tripping me up for the next few days. How ever I had NO problem with P-subs today. We went to church I talked to people. I never had any problems looking around (except at my wife).

I'm going to go 7 days no O and see how things go with P-subs. If they don't mess me up this week then O with the wife is back on the table.

 

18 days no PM, Day 4 no games, Day 1 no O free.

I stopped playing games a few days ago. I slowed way down when I getting away from porn but I was starting to get that rush from them. No games have been harder for me then no porn. I desperately want to see who I am and being on a dopamine Kik all the time it's not me.

My moods are still up and down but I have more me times, we're I'm happy and enjoying life. For example, my wife, me and the kids went walking over the weekend. I never grow out of that Wonder that kids have see something and I'm like in my head. When I was watching porn all the time I was always mad so I never enjoyed life like I new I could. That walk was awsome me and my 3 year old son fed off each other the hole time. No joke....... look a rock, look look over there look it's a , you see that it's a . The hole time. It's how I always saw myself as a dad not the guy I have been.

 

Day 21 no PM, Day 7 no games, Day 4 no O. I have felt pretty lucky since I've started nofap. While I was watching p*** I was usually depressed. Since I stopped p***, I've not been depressed. I've read a lot on here of men who are going through withdrawal and one other withdrawal symptoms is depression. I thought I was just lucky. I'm not. I've had the most worse feelings of depression I've ever had off and on today. I am tired, I am moody, I feel like I just want to lay down and die. I know this is just part of getting over an addiction and that makes it easier. I know I can get through this thing for the first time I got to tell myself one day at a time, I can do it.

I have also hit a flatline. It's fantastic. I had a week of being really moody, then I had a week of being super happy and who I always dreamed I would be, then bam, I feel like my old self again. I am mean, I am negativ,e I'm angry, and I am tired, and somehow with all of that emotion, I feel nothing. The only thing that makes me feel a little better about all of that, is at least when I look at my wife, I still want her. I still want her around, I still want her in physical way.

My head has been in a fog for 3 days. Even though my head has been in a fog, I have accomplished some things. 1, I have started learning Spanish again and according to my app, I am 17% fluent. 2, I have written a Bible study for myself on Love Inspired faith. I looked at the four different words in Greek (new testament was originally written in Greek) that mean love agape (God's love) philio (brotherly love) Eros (a love a man has for his wife) and Storage love (a parent has for their kids). I have not written a Bible study in 4 years. It felt good to be able to think clearly enough to write.

 

Day 22 no PM, Day 8 no games, Day o no 0.

Had sex with my wife today and O. I'm upset about restarting my O days, I'm trying for 30 days O free. Even though I'm a little upset I feel like something happened different today. When I O my dopamine level did not skyrocket like it used to. Instead, I had a good dopamine feeling and cuddling feeling at the same time. It was an amazing experience I have never felt. I feel like that was the way it is supposed to feel.

Had a slow day at work. A few days ago my wife and I talk about some ways I speak or acted critically toward her. Belittling, mind games, throw something she said back in her face, and being shade. I spent over 2 hours asking myself why do I -------?. Some of these problems have almost completely gone away since I stopped PM. Most of the other questions can (simply) be answered by don't hide ANYTHING from my wife.

Looking more into myself is hard but it for use and it's, in my opinion, the only way to get over addiction.

 

Day 26 no PM, Day 13 no gaming, and day 0 no O. I made it through Christmas without relapsing. I have not gone a holiday without PM sents I was a teen. I was tempted a few times to M but I didn't. I realised just maybe a week a go I always M on holidays. When I got to thinking about it, I started PM (with magazines) around holiday because I felt alone. So these year I tried sticking to my wife and I got through the day.

These years Christmas was one of the worst Christmases I have ever had. Got a flat tire, my mother in law was wearing a Miss Santa Claus jammies that was tighter than skin (she's about 100 pounds over wight) then she had to go to work, which made everyone sad. The wife and me were worried about me all day relapsing and everyone was just whiny. There was all plus now that I'm starting to have emotions and seeing things around me. My father in law is showing all the signs of someone with a P-addiction. Moody, tired, stays away from everyone, go to the bathroom for 20 30 mins, and (thanks to my Mather in law telling my wife) has ED. I have always looked up to my father in law. His the dad I never had and I'm the only son his ever had.

The good part is that it's over.

 

Day 27 no PM, Day 14 no games, Day 1 no O.

I'm trying not to get to upset today. Wife making accusations of me doing something wrong. Off and on these last few days. I know if I had not done what I did she would not be worried now. It doesn't help that there are days that I acted and feel the same way as I used too. It's frustrating this feeling of doing right and still being treated like I'm doing wrong. I know I just have to keep doing wright until she knows I'm not the person I used to be.

 

After posting this this morning I talked to my wife and after taking to her I realized I have been getting slacked. I have not been telling her ever time I see or notice somebody. I always look away within a second. But we're that mite be OK for most people it's not for me. I remember things like a image, so if I notice something and look away immediately what is in my head is still there. Most of the time I start reading someing on a shelf and that makes it go away. The good thing is wants the image is gone it's gone. The good thing is I have to try to remember a image to keep the image.

I'm also struggling not to hide things from my wife like dumb things. I tell her about but I am struggling a lot.

I'm also discouraged about this hole process I now it's going to be any 30 to 60 days of feeling like my old self or flatlining and I just want it to be done.

I'm thankful for my wife for helping me stay on track. If she was not there to talk to I now I would get complacent and slip up.

 

Day 28 PM, Day 15 games, Day 2 no O.

Last night was a bad night for me and my wife. She wanted sex and I was to tired. It would not have been that big of a deal but I handled it like I did when I was PMOing. She's giving strong signals and I ignore her then blame her for not being clear enough. I told her sorry this morning and we talked about how to change this behavior. Next time I'm really to tired I am just going to tell "I'm to tired" and see how it goes. We don't know if that will help her not hurt as much but it's better than what I have always done.

I'm able to think better and better everyday. When I started going down the road to recovery I would get on my Spanish app and couldn't be on it to long before I would stay getting tired for having to concentrating so hard. Know I can play for hours (I have a lot of on my hands at work because of the holidays) without getting tired. Also, reading through my old journals I'm noticing that I'm slowly spelling better and making more sense.... I was in a bad fog.

 

Day 29 no PM, Day 3 no O, Day 16 no gaming.

I have now flit lined. I have no sex drive, no desire, no emotion an less I pull it out of me.

What I'm doing to get out of flat line.
1) Talk to my wife
2) Take cold showers
3) Exercise
4) Listen to songs with strong emotions
5) Hold my wife each day
6) Laugh. Look up jokes, listen to comedy etc...
7) nofap

I've been in a flat line for a few days but I realized it today when I woke up. When I woke I had no urges and when I looked over at my wife. I barely felt any kind of arousal. Normally, in the morning I would be all over her.

Here I go....

 

Thank you for the reminder, I'm getting ready to post an update in a sec...

 

I'm 37 days no PM, 7 days no O, and 24 no games, however, I'm only 3 days out from a relapse.

When I started my journey, I thought a relapse was watching P and M. I was wrong. A relapse, for me, is anything that makes me go back to my old behaviors. Behaviors like hiding things from my wife, gaslighting, not being present, and "acting funny" as my wife calls it.

This is what happened. Sometimes, when I'm sleeping, I start moving around a lot and start touching my wife. When, or if, I wake up, I'm overwhelmingly turned on and I start touching my wife more and that's as far as I'm going to say. When she woke up she was understandably mad. We have discussed this in the past and have agreed that when I fully wake up, I'm supposed to stop immediately. To make things worse, I lied, and said she made me to do things to her. She called me out on my lie, and we talked for at least three hours that night.

For the next few days I started acting like my old self but did not understand why. Until we had therapy. Our therapist looked right at me and said what I did was gaslighting and it is a relapse. I felt relieved and devastated. Relieved that I now knew why I was acting like I was and devastated because now we were starting all over again.

I'm counting from the day we had therapy, so I'm 3 days out from my relapse. I tell myself as long as I'm completely honest with R, (my wife) then I won't have another relapse like this. But, to tell the truth, I'm worried I will miss something and I don't want to mess up. At the end of the day, I just want us to be happy.