A squirrely Journal

Day 60 no PM and 14 days out from last relapse (lying).

I realized something yesterday evening. Not using P, M and avoiding p-subs is not the only thing I need to look out for. I need to make sure my addicted self does not come back out. I can be doing everything right but if I don't keep my mind in check, I will start acting like my old self. For example, being rude to my wife, isolating myself from others, and just being in a bad mood.

I can tell when I start thinking wrong when I start thinking "my wife doesn't do anything. I don't have to either". When in fact, my wife is SUPER mom. R stays home with our two young kids, a three year old and one year old. She keeps the house clean, even when I tell her not too, helps me keep on track, and that's not counting the countless neck rubs and encouragement she gives.

 

Day 61 No PM and 15 days out from last relapse.

The wife and I had a good day yesterday until we went to bed. When we went to bed, I started a fight. R has been super worried about me and my recovery and I am not good at letting her know what's going on all the time. When I don't tell her, she gets scared and texts, calls, and watches her monitoring app to see what I'm doing, which only perpetuates her fears. I confronted her about the calling, and texting which she took well. Then I made her feel dumb for trying to help me. The night ended with me yelling at her to stop when she started asking what she can do to help me.

I don't need her to change anything she is doing. The real problem is I forget I'm an addict. I'm 61 days out from D-day and there are times I can't believe the things I did. I'm starting to realize how bad the fog was and it's scary. My wife sees the true me, the addict, not who I think I am now. I'm not recovered, I'm trying to become recovered and leave behind what I was. I need to remember who I was before, so I will never be the addict looking for his next hit again..

 

She edits my posts, and sees everything I see on my phone. She has some app that tracks everything I do on my phone. The app even takes pictures of the web pages I've visited and of my face when I click on anything. The app also has a GPS that updates every so often, letting her know where I'm at. All of which I'm happy about, and want her to have. My problem is, I forget to tell her. She can see what I'm doing and she sees what I post on nofap but I don't tell her where I'm at mentally. She wants to know what I'm thinking and feeling beyond what I'm willing to write and what I am doing.

As far as being defensive I just need to stop. I say all the time she's going through recovery too but I don't act like I know that. I have caused her a tremendous amount of trauma, that she's trying to work through and all I have to do is tell her more than what she can see.

 

The wife and I are going to start a daily check in. I know a daily check-in will help her and I think it will help me not be as defensive. Just knowing that later we will be talking, will help me relax.

 

Day 62 no PM and 16 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 1, 2018

My goals for today:

• Journal on nofap
• Buy a book or PDF on PA
• Set down and set up daily check-in with my wife.
• Start to look up scriptures that goes with understanding

I saw that @AnonymousAnnaXOXO makes a daily goal list and thought "Wow, that's a really good idea. I should try that."

Yesterday R and I both posted about me not talking to her enough about my recovery. We decided to start a daily check-in so today I went ahead and set an alarm on my phone to go off after the kids go to bed.

My sex drive has come back. Truthfully my sex drive is better than ever and I only want my wife. I can't stop looking at her now it doesn't matter what she is doing. She could be cleaning poop out of one of the kids clothes and I'd be like "That's HOT", in my head.

 

Here lately, it's like there are two different people in my head, the addict and the real me. The addict says things like, "it's just a little lie, doesn't your wife see how hard you're trying? "All this PA stuff is a bunch of bologna!" The real me says things like "you need to do something everyday to help your recovery, do all you can to be more understanding to R." "That other guy is just dumb."

It makes me think of Gen. 32: 24-28
"24 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day.
25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him.
26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.”
28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.”

Jacob name means "supplanter" which means to "trip up or overthrow" and when you are lying and gaslighting your wife, you are deceiving her.

When I was an active PA, I was a deceiver. I deceived myself, my family, people I work with, even people I past on the street. My family was a mess, my bills (are still) were a mess, but everyone looking from the outside didn't see that. What other people saw was a good man with a happy little family.

Jacob's story continues; "he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him."
I feel out of joint. For too long, I have thought like a PA, being manipulative and lying and now, I'm starting to think differently and, sometimes, I don't feel right. Even though I don't feel right, I know it's right, because my wife is happier, my kids are happier, and I'm happier.

Jacob's name was changed to Israel.
Israel means " wrestles with God"
Because Jacob was an overcomer, God changed his name to something that means fighter. I don't want to be a PA any more, and as I get further in my journey, I don't see the person I used to be.

But I don't want to just be an overcome either. I want to be more than a overcomer. "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Rom. 8:37.

What "more than conquerors" means to me is overcoming my addiction and then applying what I am learning to other aspects of my marriage. For example, what I've learned from watching "helping her heal" and other things I'm reading and watching. There's a lot of good stuff I'm learning about how to be a better husband, kinder to others, more patient. In truth, if I had never hit my lowest point in my life, I would have never sought out to learn.

 

Thank you for your reply. I will be making more time with my kids.

 

Day 66 no PM, and 20 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 5, 2018

My goals for today:

• Journal on nofap
• Look up betrayal trauma fog
• Be nice to my wife
• Do daily check-in

Friday my wife called me and told me that her friend wanted my wife to go to Florida with her for a day. Of course, we were both worried about leaving me alone. But we sat down and came up with a boundary list for when she is out of town. The boundary list was

1. Check in every hour
2. A list of shows I could watch
3. A list of games I could play
4. When I start playing a game, let her know, and also if I switch games
5. No YouTube
6. No spotify
7. No looking up things that could have half-naked women in it.
8. Let my wife know immediately if I have a saw or notice.
9. Let my wife know if I'm leaving the house and were I'm going and when I get back.

R left Friday night and did not get home until Sunday at 1 am. I did very well, no real temptation to PMO. I stayed busy with the kids and all the checking in helped keep me on my feet.

Sunday I was moody and so was my wife. We finally talked Sunday night and realized we were both preparing for a fight. This weekend was the first time I have been left noalone without PMOing. So we were expecting a fight that never happened.

 

Day 67 no PM and 21 days out from last relapse (lying)

Feb. 6, 2018

My daily goals:

• Journal
• Look up understanding
• Daily check-in
• Be aware of my feelings

Yesterday went well, barely had any work to do and did some homework, and got to play with the kids a little. My sex drive is back and better than ever. I feel like a 16 year old kid again. When I sit next to R on the couch, it feels like my heart is beating out of my chest just because I want her so bad. I don't want anyone else. I don't want some airbrushed picture. I want R. When I was PMOing I didn't want anything to do with her and now I can't keep my hands off her.

 

Day 69 no PM and 23 days from last relapse.

My Daily Goals:
Feb. 8 2018

• Journal
• Reply to somebody else's post
• Do something nice for my wife
• Check out nofap help for PAs

This whole week has sucked. I've been really moody and angry and hateful. I'm narcoleptic and I have not been taking my pills for almost a week now. So I feel like I'm acting like the old me. I'm not looking up p*** or M, not even giving into P Subs, but I'm acting like I am. The moment I start taking my meds, I start being my normal self, nicer, kinder, more relaxed. Every month I think I don't need my meds, and then I start to mess up, and realize I do need my meds. Yesterday I wrote on my promise list that I will take my medication like I'm supposed to everyday.

 

Day 70 no PMO, 24 days out from last relapse.

Feb. 9 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Daily check-in
• See if google books has any PA books
• Do some deep reflecting

Yesterday was a good day. I'm back on my medication and way less moody. I was nicer to my wife and when I got home, I had enough energy to play with the kids.

Last night I looked at my calendar and saw that after a few days of not taking my meds, my number of saws and notices went up. So I will be taking my meds consistantly from now on.

R and I are thinking I'm in the 70% phase of recovery. If I remember right, the phases go: on top of the world, flatline, 70%, blue period, then I should be myself.
Since being in the 70%, my sex drive is way up, (as long as I'm on my meds) I'm not as tired, or as moody, I'm starting to be more understanding, and sympathetic.

 

Saturday night my wife and I had a big fight. Ever since she came back from her one day vacation, I've been acting funny and acting like my old self. I told her I had done nothing, but she is making me feel like I had. I ended up saying some things that hurt her feelings and sleeping on the couch that night. Sunday morning I was still hot headed and after we got the kids ready for church, I slipped back off into our room and took a little nap. When I woke up from my nap, I had a few seconds just to think in the quiet. Finally, I asked myself "why have I been so much like my old self lately" I realized it was because I was lying to my wife about my saws and my notices. I admitted to her that my saws and notices are more than what I've been saying. She asked me "why I was lying" and I told her, "there was a time I would say, I don't want to hurt you but the truth is, I just didn't want you to see how weak I am". Now I am being completely honest and writing down each saw and notice like I'm supposed to.

Sunday went well, had a few saws and little more than a few notices. Monday was bad. Monday I was trying very hard to not let my brain do the looking around thing. My numbers yesterday were lower then Sunday but it just felt harder. I had to fight my old self much harder than I've had to in a long long time.

 

Day 75 no PM, and Day 3 since last relapse (lying).

Feb. 14 2018

My Goals for today:

• Journal
• Read The Porn Myth
• Be SUPER nice to wife
• Find something not P related to read

Yesterday went well for the most part. I had 3 saws and no notices.
My wife is sick right now so I tried to help out the best I could by having some pre-made snacks for the kids and drinks before going to work. She said it "helped out a lot". I'm starting to obsess over her, I just want her to be happy.

I was talking to @Rock_Star the other day and he was telling me that it's OK to read books for fun, I don't have to just research PA subjects.
My mind was blown. He said when you're only ever thinking about PA stuff constantly, you can make recovery harder. Reading a magazine on guns or whatever helps with recovery. For example, if I go to Walmart and all I ever think about is not looking at all the girls, then it's going to be harder not to look, because I will associate Walmart with girls. If I am reading a magazine about guns, then when I go into Walmart, one thing on my mind will be what kind of guns do they have? So I'll start associating Walmart with something other than girls. Ingenious.