A squirrely Journal

Day 111 no PM and 20 days out from last relapse.

Yesterday, Rachie found a new workout plan for us to do. It's a good one that builds up and alongside the 7 minute workout, and my push-up challenge, it makes an all-round good workout routine for us.

Rachie leaves this morning. I told her to let me know she's OK and safe. I'm hoping she has a good time. I'm not as scared about PMOing while she's gone as I have been in the past. We've been through a lot in the last 3 1/2 months and we have a plan in place. I will miss her though. It's sad when your best friend isn't around, being there for you and you for them.

 

Day 115 no PM, and 24 days out from last relapse.

March 26, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Make it through the day

Rachie left Thursday and came back Saturday. I had fun with the kids and I didn't have any relapses while she was gone. Today, however, I want to give up. I don't want PMO, my desire for P is gone, and I don't want sex with my wife either. I don't know what's going on. I feel angry because I should want Rachie after not seeing her for 3 days but I don't and it's triggered her really badly. R is beyond tired so I thought I would give her space to rest, I think that was the wrong thing to do. The truth is, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick and tired of the up and down all the time.

So I have no sex drive, no hope, and Rachie won't talk to me. What's the point of this journey? I guess I'm trying to get my thoughts out and find some sort of hope in all this.

 

Day 116 no PM, and 25 days out from last relapse (lying)

March 27, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group
• Work out

Yesterday, R and I talked with some of our friends and they all agreed that I'm probably in the blue period. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. My understanding is my brain is saying "so you don't want P anymore? OK, F you, I'm out" and then it melts into a puddle while giving me the finger.

I have no sex drive, which is hard on R. I want her and can feel like I want her, but it's in small sparks. In fact, most everything is in small sparks. I feel happy, mad, sad, all only a little, but I feel lonely all the time. Overall, I feel pretty depressed but I'm still having bursts of emotions. My friend told me "I'm sorry to have to tell you this...but you're pregnant. At least that's how you'll be acting for a while. You're starting to become empathetic. Congrats." I just hope that, at the end of this, I'm 100% myself.

 

Day 117 no PM, and 26 days out from last relapse.

March 28, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group
• Find a new book to read

I've not had any saws or notices in the last few days, which I'm excited about.

As I have mentioned, I have no sex drive at this moment, but last night, R and I had sex. I told Rachie that I have no sex drive but when we start cuddling long enough, I feel a little something so I think as long as we do a lot of foreplay, I will be good. The O for me was not really there, but I felt so many other emotions I can't explain. When I O'd, I felt closer to Rachie than I have ever felt. For one moment, we were the only people and Earth did not exist.

 

Day 118 no PM, and 27 days from last relapse.

March 29, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group
• Go to the book store

Since I've hit the blue period, I've started a new routine in the morning. I've been been praying, working out, reading the Bible, and washing my face. I feel like if I do these things for myself, first thing in the morning, then I should feel better and get through the day easier.

We were up super late last night. Rachie and her dad had a long talk. Her dad was not a good dad when she was growing up. He had a very bad temper that has caused Rachie to have PTSD. Last night, my father-in-law tried disciplining our son. It was highly triggering to Rachie in many ways. Shortly after that, Rachie confronted him about the way he had acted. It turned into a two hour conversation about the way her dad used to be, and they discussed how it had hurt her. Rachie told me he cried several times and apologized thoughout their talk.

The damage caused by my father-in-law and the damage I have done to Rachie has caused her to be sad, broken, have low self esteem, and makes it hard for her to trust in people. Its a monumental moment, in her recovery, to have enough confidence to confront her dad. It shows that she's starting to heal from the damage done to her and that she's starting to gain confidence in herself. I am super proud of her because I know it was not easy.

 

Day 119 no PM, and 28 days out from last relapse (lying)

March 30, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group
• Book store

Had therapy last night. We talked about Rachie's dad and how I'm in the blue period. I told the therapist that one of the biggest difference between the two phases is that I felt there were two separate brains in my head. The one brain being the PA and the other me, and because of my childhood, I became a PA. Now that I'm in the blue period, I feel like there are two different ways that I can think, I can think like a PA or not, either way, they're not separate, I am both. Also, in the blue period I don't blame my childhood for my PA, my PA is my fault. I posted this on another thread yesterday:

Choosing fantasy over real life to cope with problems only makes more problems. As a child, I used P to help me feel some sort of connection that I did not have from my own parents. I carried that into my adulthood, and in turn, deprived my own family, of the very connection I so longed for.​

 

Day 122 no PM, and 31 days out from last relapse.

April 2, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Read
• Eat better

Four months down no PMO!!!!!!!! I'm pretty happy about this one. I've tried my whole life to stop the P addiction and never could could get past a week. Rachie said once when I first started recovery, "when you decide to do something, you do it, and that's sexy". I've held onto that and even when I'm having a hard day, I remember what she said and it helps me get through.

This weekend we went back over D-day and I started from the beginning, when I was six and stopped at present. I left nothing out. I told myself, I want to make sure there is nothing Rachie will find out later that I didn't tell her. I know if she had to find stuff out, that would be way worse than if I had just told her.

We bought a book over the weekend called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". The first chapter is about listening and I've tried applying it but..... I try listening sometimes when I am supposed to give an answer. This talking stuff is rough.

 

Day 123 no PM, 1 day out from last lie.

April 3, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Read
• Workout
• Get to bed before 9:30

I've restarted my lie counter. When I went back over D-day, I admitted to some things I had not told Rachie. Last night, I realized that when I have lied about something, then every day after that lie, I'm lying until I admit what I have done.

As I'm coming out of the fog, I'm starting to have an interest in life again. Ive started reading books lately and, for the first time, I'm enjoying reading a good book.

I tried reading when I was younger but I found it frustrating and couldn't concentrate for very long.

I am realizing that I like stories about the different lives that people have led. I feel like I'm rediscovering a part of myself that was gone for a long time.

I was that little kid that could sit and listen for hours to an older person tell stories about their life. I enjoy hearing how people think, what they have experienced, and what made them the people they are today.

 

Day 124 no PM, and 2 days out from last relapse.

April 4, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Read

At the beginning of the week, I told Rachie that I want to get better at listening to her. Since then, Rachie has spent the last part of our evening talking to me about our past. I've caused so much hurt, and not just because of PMOing. Each night I go to bed drained by what she has told me and it hurts knowing that she's been living with all these things inside and I caused it. I've had to feel this drained feeling for a few days, Rachie has been living with it for years.

 

Day 125 no PM, and 3 days out from last relapse

April 5, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Talk to Rachie
• Help get ready for trip

Last night R felt like a bad mom. Our kid did something that was very embarrassing in front of our friends. When we were heading home she was very hurt and was crying. Her being upset and crying was very triggering for me (not PMO), and I became very angry. I was not angry at her and I tried my best to just listen.

When we got home we put the kids to bed, then I went downstairs and started cleaning. I know Rachie probably wanted to talk more but I was very angry and didn't know how to deal with my anger so I was hoping cleaning would help relieve some of the stress. I figured after I cooled down I could go back to Rachie and be a better support. In the past when I've been angry I would take it out on Rachie, I wasn't mad at her and I know that was the last thing she needed. I took the trash out then remembered that I need to let Rachie know I'm still here, that I won't do anything stupid, and I'm not mad at her. So I did and went ahead and left my phone in the room with her. I went back to cleaning up the house until I felt better and went back upstairs.

Rachie was asleep. I tried to wake her but she said she needed sleep, so I wrapped my arms around her hoping that would somehow help her feel better.

At some point before she fell asleep, Rachie sent me this:
"Once again, you're putting yourself, and your feelings ahead of mine. You're angry, so even though I'm hurting and need someone, you're downstairs, and I'm alone. Once again, I get to fall asleep alone, knowing that when I need you, I am all by myself."
I don't know what I should have done truthfully. I know if I went where she was we would have fought and that would have been worse. I thought if I could become less upset I could be there for her but since I was not there right then, I wasn't there when she needed me the most.

 

At first I disappeared than I realized I made a mistake and told here what I was doing.

"I took the trash out then remembered that I need to let Rachie know I'm still here, that I won't doanything stupid, and I'm not mad at her."

That's when I went upstairs to tell her what I was doing.

 

I realize that now. I put my own needs before hers. When she needed me. I thought "I need to change the way we have always acted when we get stressed out" and I left physically when in the past I was not there mentally. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. However, now I see I did the same thing as I have always done.

 

Thanks. That's a good question. I will ask her.

I'm not used to feeling and truthfully I haven't found a good way to deal with anger yet. In all honesty I don't know how to deal with any of my new found emotions and I'm having a hard time coping.