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A squirrely Journal

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by WillSquirrel, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 90 no PM, and 10 days out from last relapse.

    March 1, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Read someone else's journal
    • Come up with things to do with the family when I'm going to work for some overtime.
    Yesterday I had one saw, I was filling out paperwork in the lunch room at work, and the guy who gave me the paperwork and I looked up at the TV. I don't know what I was thinking, as soon as a woman got on screen I looked away. I'm not normally in the lunchroom. I usually take lunch away from other people so I can take a nap.

    Wife was upset with me yesterday because I might have to work on Saturday. We have been planning a trip to see my family for about a month. I have no vacation left and need one day off.

    I asked my boss if I can work extra here and there and use the extra time for the day I'm going to miss. My boss said yes. In order to get extra time, I have to work with a different boss. R doesn't want me working weekends, so I tried seeing if I could work a night shift or stay late during the week.

    The weekend shift is the only available shift right now. I actually thought about cutting the trip off one day short and then I wouldn't have to make up any time at all. R said a trip that short would be hard on the kids.

    @DemonSemen suggested that when I work a Saturday, "You can alway try to plan something special the night before/Sunday after a Saturday work day." He mentioned that on Sunday's, going to church doesn't count as a family outing. He said, "Church is your time with The Man Upstairs."

    My wife likes the idea of doing something fun before/after I work, so we are talking about trying it out. What he said about Church and "time with the Man Upstairs" was good for me to hear. Rachie has told me lots of times that church doesn't really count as family time, but the way he worded it, just made it click for me.

    Why my wife doesn't like me working Saturday's:
    • I used to look up porn at work.
    • Her dad always worked so she only ever saw him at church and she doesn't want that for our kids.
    • Most of all, I've not been around for six years and she wants to make up for lost time.
    Problem number two, yesterday, is the trip to go see my family. My family doesn't like R. Mostly my grandma, and to tell the truth, it's my fault. When I was PMOing I would complain about R to my grandma, and though she doesn't say anything outright, my grandma says snide remarks here and there. My step- dad makes R uncomfortable. He likes to give her hugs...a lot. My siblings and mom are ok.

    Rachie's biggest worry is that I'll be triggered and relapse and I understand that fear. My family has always been a big trigger for me. Thing is, I want to go. Not because I really miss them so much, but because I want to SEE them. I hope that makes sense.

    I have been in a fog my whole life, practically, and I'm starting to see people. I'm seeing facial expressions, hearing people's tones when their talking to me, and even recognizing the insecurities they might have by the way they react to things. It's like I've been emotionally autistic in a way.

    I told Rachie that I don't really know these people, and (though it might hurt) I want to see my family as they really are. I'm hoping by seeing my family, I might understand more about myself and what led to me becoming an addict.

    I hope this post made sense. I'm working on about 15 hours of sleep this week and I'm pretty exhausted.
     
    hope4healing, Cowboy1 and Jagliana like this.
  2. Dude—get sleep. Harder to relapse when you’re rested and functioning properly.

    I get your point about “seeing” other people and why you want to visit.

    I think one thing you’ll have to address is R’s discomfort. Don’t want the trip being a trigger for her or you.

    I think seeing the family will ultimately help your recovery. I do wonder if now is the right time.
     
    WillSquirrel likes this.
  3. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 94 no PM, and 3 days out from last relapse.

    March 5, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Read someone else's journal
    • Get caught up in the " Man's Group" thread
    • Do some studying
    Had a notice on Thursday but it caused a relapse. I lied to R and I count lying as a relapse for me. Rachie had a coupon come in the mail with a half naked girl on it. The coupon was in the middle of the pile so when I saw a lot of pink and a woman, I just threw it away from me and had Rachie look at the mail. When Rachie was going through it, she asked if I had seen the coupon. I said no, then she asked again and I admitted that I had. Later that night, I said to myself "if I had just been honest in the first place, I would not have caused Rachie this pain." I have realized I'm causing R to relive D-day every time I lie to her.

    The next day, Rachie was back to day 1 of my recovery and that's my fault.

    Friday, I had 2 notices and a bunch of saws. I was upset about the night before and I had to go to the airport to get a new badge. I normally work up at a hanger, with a bunch of guys and a few women. After 4 hours of waiting for a new badge, I was told my paperwork was wrong. I called my boss and he said we can fix it later and we are taking the rest of the day off. Best news ever. Rachie and the kids were already with me, so we spent the rest of the day together.

    Saturday, I had 5 notices and I don't know how many saws. We spent the day going to stores. It was a very stressful day for both of us, the kids were tired, and we were tired, but we got a lot done.

    Sunday, 1 notice and 3 saws. We went back over what a saw and notice is.
    Saw= if I see a woman.
    Notice= if I see a woman and notice attractiveness
    Seeing= is noticing a woman's attractiveness but not spaced out.
    Trance= is noticing a woman's attractiveness and don't know what's going around me
    Ogle= is a trance and fantasizing.

    So if I walk into a room and some woman's butt is right there in front of me and I look away, it's a saw. If I walk into a room and I notice an attractive butt is right there in front of me, it's a notice.
     
  4. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 95 no PM, and 4 days out from last relapse

    March 6, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Get caught up in "Man's Group"
    • Do some studying
    Yesterday I had 5 saws, 2 at work and 3 at the store. Wife has been on edge since the last time I lied. It's like she's waiting for it to happen again. She feels distant and she's super tired. Every time I mess up, it brings the betrayal trauma back up to the surface and it's my fault.

    I've been trying to think of why I lie about little things. My mother is a liar. For example, if I was to talk about a new baby, at some point, my mom would say something like, "did you know babies are born with extra fingers but they fall off right before they are born. So you never see them." I think she does this trying to be cool.

    My grandma (dad's side) was a liar. Not like my mother. My grandma's lying is worse. My grandma was married three times and each time she got married, she would sleep around. When she married my step-grandpa, he thought she was not like that anymore, but found out later that she was sleeping with a married guy for over ten years. My grandma's whole life was a lie.

    My dad is a liar (gaslighting). I spent my whole childhood being told he was the only one that really loved me. Then he would yell and hit me. He also told me that he would do anything for me. However, he never stoped doing drugs or tried to clean himself up.

    My mom's side of the family are liars. After my grandpa was caught molesting my sister, nothing was done to him. (I still don't know how he got away with it. My sister went to the hospital, went to therapy, and we had DHS coming over to our house for a few years after it happened.) I feel like everyone (including me, I was a teenager) lied. We knew what happened but we acted like it never did. We hid what happened by our actions and our words. When my youngest sister wanted to go to grandma and papa's house, my mom would say "no grandpa is sick. You can't go over there without one of us going with you." Basically, gaslighting (I think) because mom, or me, or someone should have told her "grandpa is a pervert."

    I am a PA and with that, I am a liar but I was also taught that lying is how you can get away with things. I don't always realize the small lies that are probably more like gaslighting. I tend to justify them in my mind and don't catch myself doing so, but I have to get to a place were I say "is this full honesty? Could I be holding something back? Am I telling the full truth?"

    I had a friend of mine text me this afternoon after he read @Rachie journal. He asked me why I was gaslighting her. I responded with, "I'm not lying to her." We are going to talk later about gas lighting and what all it means. I thought it meant only telling part of a truth or trying to change the perception someone else has to make them believe your lie. There's more to gaslighting then that. I don't fully understand it, but I'm going to figure it out. I will be posting about this more tomorrow.
     
  5. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 96 no PM, and 5 days out from last relapse.

    March 7, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Get caught up
    Yesterday I had 4 saws. I'm getting super stressed out here lately. I am trying to get caught up on nofap, and have been getting ready to go no our trip. We have a lot to do before seeing my family, wife needs a new license, had to get a car inspection, need to get a physical done for my job, must get a new badge for work, we're deep cleaning the house before we go, and packing. We leave on Friday.

    Yesterday we got the car inspection done and by the time we got home, it was time for the kids to go to bed. After the kids went to bed, I cleaned up the house and spent some time with the wife. I didn't get a chance to talk to my friend about gaslighting but did mention that "I have been weird lately because I love her and I'm afraid of being hurt by her. Rachie is the first person I have let in my heart since I was a kid. I have been let down by everyone that was supposed to be there for me and I'm scared of being hurt again. I know it's stupid, but here lately, if I let her down, it brings back all the memories of my dad telling me I'm useless and I can't bear that pain."

    I posted this in another thread but want to mention it here to.
    Are there other ways you[inner addict] show up in my life too?
    By being manipulative. I'm going through this with the wife right now. I don't manipulate on purpose, but I can't say it's an accident either. It's an action or a reaction to something I want to see done. For example, when I have a notice, I know we aren't having sex that night. So I have been (at least in part) not kissing, hugging, flirting, and just being mean to her when I don't get what I want. This is by far, the darkest part of me. It's even worse than the PA, because I can tell when I'm thinking like the addict, but I have a hard time seeing me being manipulative. In my head, I try justifying my actions until I convince myself what I am doing isn't wrong.

    I have two things I'm doing right now that have to stop! Being manipulative and being scared to let R in. Both of these things push R away and I don't want to lose her. Also, if I lose her, I lose the best version of my self because Rachie brings out the best in me.
     
    hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  6. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 97 no PM, and 6 days out from last relapse.

    March 8, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Take it easy today
    • Spend time with my hottie
    I told my wife last night that I wasn't going to journal today but I have some down time at work. Yesterday, I had 3 saws and 1 notice (as we were leaving the store).

    R and I have decided to do hard mode for a full 30 days (we are on day 10) the way I feel about it is :emoji_astonished::emoji_cry:. Despite how I feel, I know it's what I need. I need to reconnect with her in more than a sexual way, and not having sex is the best way we can do that. It's odd for me to want to have sex. In the last 5 years, I can probably count on one hand, the times I asked for sex.

    The last time we had sex, we fully connected. We both just let ourselves love each other. It was amazing. After that last time, I've been mean to Rachie. It's felt very much like my old self and I've hurt R. I see now why I was acting that way. I let her in, and I was scared of getting hurt by her. So I was subconsciously pushing her away.

    Yesterday, I had a good conversation with my father-in-law. He knows I'm a recovering addict and he knew I'm about 3 months out. I'm flying down to see my family tomorrow and coming back Monday and he is worried about me. He feels like maybe I should wait to go see my family and said "you have made such good progress, I would hate to see you move backward." He asked me why I wanted to go? I told him that "there are phases to a PA recovery and right now, I'm at 70%. The next phase is the blue period, and I don't want anything to do with my family during the blue phase. Now that I'm starting to come out of the fog, I will fully see them for who they are. It will hurt and I'm scared, but I might learn something about them, that will help my recovery."

    We're flying standby today so Rachie's dad told me that if I needed to come home early he would get us out of there. He said "you can call me at 5 in the morning and I will get you out of there as fast as possible."

    Knowing I have an exit makes me feel better about going.
     
    Jagliana and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  7. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 98 no PM, 7 days from last relapse (lying), and day 0 on hard mode.

    Last night R and I were both trying to connect. She was trying to connect physicaly and I was mentally. Finally, we got tired and were ready for bed, feeling discouraged. Laying there I realized something, I looked at Rachie and said happly "for the first time we are trying to connect at the same time. We both are trying different ways but at least we are trying at the same time." After that I snogled up to Rachie as close as I could and fell asleep happy that I have her.

    These morning we had sex. We were tiring not to but well it's not easy. I ejaculated but I didn't fill that I had a orgasm. When we were having sex I felt love for Rachie and she saw it in my face. I'm not happy that I O but I feel closer to my sweetie.

    Today, we are leaving to see my family and I'm scared. We had therapy last night and talk about how dysfunctional my family is and if I don't like something someone is doing I can say no and no is a complete sentence. No. I don't know fully what to expect. I know my grandma is manipulative and I will need to keep a close eye on her. I know my step dad likes to give inappropriate hugs and I will need to say something. I know my mom lives in a fantasy world, and that my siblings are just shells of what they could be.

    We have barriers and code words in place to help us. The barries are my grandpa can not touch my kids and my kids will always be with me or Rachie at all times. I am to say something to my step dad if he gets to friendly with R.
    Our code words are:
    Yellow= get away or change the
    Red= go back to the hotel
    Black= go hime

    I have a group of man I will be checking in with every few hours and R will be checking in with some of her friends. I am going to continue my normal routine, nofap, praying, reading my Bible and we have new clothes. It makes us feel good to have new clothes.

    With all these things in place I feel like we will be OK and if not we can always at anytime go home.
     
  8. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 100 no PM, and 9 days out from last relapse.

    I had 6 saws yesterday and no notices. Spent yesterday at the zoo with my family. I was worried that my step dad was going to be "to friendly" with my wife but he wasn't. He just missed seeing us and as long as my grandparents weren't around we had a good time.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  9. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 102 no PM and 11 days out from last relapse, 14 days on hard mode.

    March 13, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Get caught up
    Yesterday I had 7 saws and 2 notices. After this weekend, I'm not in a good place mentally. I didn't relapse, but I'm having to fight "being here" instead of mentally checking out. Rachie has been letting me touch her and snuggle up to her more and that's helping a lot. After being intensely stressed out for three days, I'm having to focus more and not let my eyes dart around. I know if I let that happen, then my saws and notices will go up and so far today I have had no notices.

    When we were visiting my family, it was good. So long as it was my mom, step dad and siblings, it was ok, but when my grandparents were around, the good time was over. As soon as my grandparents came around, my only thought was for my kids. My grandpa is not allowed to touch my kids, but he pushes his boundaries and my grandma enables him. She will play with one of the kids and get close to my grandpa so that one of the kids might reach out to him. So when their around, my wife has one kid and I have the other one and no one comes near my kids. After this weekend I've realized that what I need to do is cut the two of them out of my life for good.
     
    Kenzi and Jagliana like this.
  10. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 104 no PM, and 13 days out from last relapse, and 16 days on hard mode.

    March 15, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Study
    • Read a book
    Yesterday I had 2 saws. I'm starting to get over this past weekend and as a result, my saws went down. Yesterday I went to work, went home, and went to church.

    R and I have therapy tonight and I'm a little worried about it because of this weekend. I didn't live up to the man I want to be. My grandpa (when no one was really paying attention) interacted with my son, he didn't touch him, but touched his hat and I didn't say anything. All I did was grab my son up and walk away. Sunday, we were doing Christmas and he tried the same thing again. That time, I said something, but I wasn't harsh enough. On Monday, my mom was holding my son and he reached over to my grandpa (he wanted down) my mom didn't know what to do, and in a panic said, "oh look, hugs" to which Rachie and I replied "NO HUGS". My mom wasn't thinking. What bothers me is that my grandpa chose to stand super close to my mom. I plan on calling and talking to my mom about this later today.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Jagliana like this.
  11. I wouldn’t beat yourself up too bad. Maybe you weren’t sheepdog vicious in protecting but you did protect. That’s the important part. It’s an uncomfortable situation for all so you’re having to overcome that along with your own stuff.

    Maybe next time Gramps doesn’t come to the party. That would solve a lot.
     
    WillSquirrel likes this.
  12. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 105 no PM, 14 days out from last relapse, and 17 days on hard mode.

    March 16, 2018

    My Daily Journal
    • Journal
    • Men's group
    • Read
    • Get to bed earlier
    Yesterday, I had no saws or notices. My stress level is back down. I went to work, and went home, it was a good, easy day.

    Yesterday evening, I watched some YouTube clips, with Rachie, of an actress and her husband in various interviews. I was thinking the other day about how I used to fantasize about some stars and didn't fantasize about others, even if I might have thought some of the others were better looking. I realized that the stars who didn't make my list, are people I think of as mothers, wives, and daughters, or at least in some way, I thought of them as real people.

    So, there is a show Rachie wants to watch but she's worried that I might find the main character too attractive and it'll cause me to relapse. I told her, let's try an experiment. Why don't you show me some interviews with her, her husband, and kids and maybe it would help me not turn her into an object, but keep her a real person. We're going to test my theory tonight.
     
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *clapping*
     
  14. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 108 no PM, 17 days out from last relapse, and 20 days on hard mode.

    Saturday was a bad day for me. I had 2 notices, and too many saws to count. My in-laws make a big deal out of St Patrick's Day, so we all went to a pub, and then watched the parade. The pub we went to is normally family friendly, but not so much on St Patrick's Day. There was just too many people, the noise was overwhelming, and I struggled with staying focused.

    It was cold outside so I was hoping that people would dress warmer, but I was wrong.
    I spent most of my time looking at the buildings around us. After the parade, we went to my in-laws and watched TV. I had to keep looking away because of what would be on the screen. After I got home, I was sick from being overstimulated.

    Sunday, we went to church and our Pastor preached on being Christ-like. I'm very whiny, unhappy, lazy, and I struggle with not listening when someone talks. None of this is very Christ-like and not what I want to be. (Just a random thought)
     
  15. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 109 no PM and 18 days out from last relapse.

    March 20, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Man's Group
    • Read
    Stopped hard mode yesterday. R and I were talking and realized some things. As soon as we go on hard mode, we slowly start to become distant from each other. We don't do this on purpose, but over time, we stop talking, hugging, and connecting. We also realized that when we started hard mode this time, we both stopped working out and started eating like crap. I did notice that things are basically ok until around day 12. I also think we need to start having a cuddle night.

    I've been feeling different about the PA part of me lately. I've mentioned in my journal, that I feel like there's two different brains in my head, the PA and me. I still recognize the difference between the way the two think, but at the same time, their not separate from each other. I don't know if that makes sense.

    Its like if I were to take two different colors of playdough, for example, blue and yellow and smash them together, but not until the two colors become green.

    The difference for me is, before, I could not even believe I was capable of the things I did. Now, I see it as "Yes, I'm capable of doing those things, and I need to keep myself in check, so I never do those things again." Just like I could never separate the two different colors in the playdough ball, I can't separate the addict from me. What I can do, is keep the addict in check and use that part of myself to gain sympathy for others who have had struggled in their life.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  16. Sometimes I think the Addict inside is like a little monster. You have to lock him in a deep dungeon and starve him to death. Hopefully he dies but there’s always the chance that he could try to reanimate. So you have to be vigilant.
     
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  17. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Day 110 no PM and 19 days out from last relapse (lying)

    March 21, 2018

    My Daily Goals:
    • Journal
    • Man's Group
    • Read

    I had no saws or notices yesterday.

    Rachie is going out of town tomorrow and won't be back until Saturday. I'm sad about her going because I'll miss her. We've been through a lot together here lately and even on days I feel disconnected from her, it still makes me happy to see her.

    The only part of me that is a little happy about her going for 3 days, is that she must trust me enough to go and have fun. I'm going to do what I have done in the past when she is gone.
    • Check in every hour
    • Send lots of pictures
    • Let her know what games I'm playing and if I switch games
    • Let her know what I'm watching
    • No Spotify, except if it's through Alexa
    • Let her know when I leave home and where I'm going and when I'm heading home
    I plan on spending lots and lots of time with the kids while she's gone. Thursday night after my youngest baby goes to bed I'm going to "go camping" with my 3 year old son downstairs in the living room. I'm going to air up the air mattress, put our kitchen table in the middle of the room, through a sheet over it (to make a tent), eat s'mores and play games. Friday, I plan to spend most the day with my father-in-law and go to a big play place for the kids. Friday night, I'm thinking that I'll play video games with my kids. Saturday, I plan to sleep in.
     
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  18. Good plan bro. Maybe throw a workout or two in there.
     
    WillSquirrel likes this.
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And feel free to video message your AP too.
    (blow him up if necessary)
    Trips are difficult.
    Trust me. He knows this. Lol
     
    kropo82 and WillSquirrel like this.
  20. WillSquirrel

    WillSquirrel Fapstronaut

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    Will do. Tonight and Friday I'm going to stay pretty busy but Saturday I'm going to be at home all day.
     

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