Sex after baby

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Ineedhelp321, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. Ineedhelp321

    Ineedhelp321 Fapstronaut

    3 months postpartum, I severely miss my wife’s sexuality. 6 months since last orgasm from masturbation and I’m frustrated that our frequency of sexual activity has plummeted relative to before. I love my daughter, but I hate that my wife has no desire to have sex, except for the blue moon where she has a wet dream, but every time I want to she just won’t do it.

    Being a stay at home dad until the Police Academy begins in a few weeks, I watch our kids and clean the home and cook the meals. She works and breastfeeds, which I know wreaks havok on hormones but cmon man, she doesn’t even entertain sex as an option when I bring it up. I got through this stage with our firstborn with porn and masturbation so I wouldn’t be a bother. Now I’m porn free and I feel like a misquote, annoying her with request for sex.
  2. I feel you, man. We had this same problem, and still endure the fallout. I'm not sure how much our sexual issues are related to my PA, and how many are related to her lack of desire after having kids. I don't know that I have a solution, except to communicate about your needs and be super helpful for her. I'm eager to hear what advice the women here might have.
  3. I'm sorry but do you even realize that a womans sex drive plummets to non existence so she has no chance of getting pregnant before her body is ready to conceive again? And as a woman who had a baby 9 months ago I say this with recent experience.

    I am stupid high drive and only recently have I felt like my old drive might be coming back. But my husband and I didnt have sex until 4 months postpartum because I was still healing physically and mentally. Not all women have a traumatic childbirth but I did. I thought I was going to die and not make it so the thought of sex or my husband touching me actually Scared me... like I never want to ever get pregnant again.

    Do you know how your wife feels about her childbirth experience?

    And not to mention fucking body image issues galore postpartum and that's without a PA husband. Add in a PA husband and women want to hide and never be seen again.

    So if she is still processing your addiction plus the Normal hormones that Protect her from getting pregnant.... like give her some time to breathe.

    I KNOW how frustrating it can be. I wanted sex with my husband so badly and hated that my body just would not work the way it used to before pregnancy sex wise.... but it eventually did. My husband was more than fine waiting (maybe that's because he was over 2 yrs PMO free and understands that O isn't everything). In fact I was Bugging Him about sex. He told me to be patient.

    Maybe be more patient and try to actually do research on what happens to a womans body postpartum... maybe you'll have more empathy and remember she just shoved out a human being! That takes time to heal from.

    Imagine a human being ripping your dick open and your wife being impatient about sex while your dick heals, that wouldn't put you in the mood would it?

    What truly put me in the mood was my husband's patience I was so happy that there was no pressure and with no pressure I wanted to try more even when I wasnt ready. But I wanted to even when my sex drive was low because I felt loved and understood. Not pressured for sex.

    I wish you and your wife luck with your new child! I also with you luck in recovery and hope you guys get through this.

    As @SuperFan once said, "sex isn't a need" sex is a want. You can survive this!
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, to all of this. And my desire for sex didn't return the entire time a breastfed my two kids, I know that isn't the case for everyone, but it was for me. It made it difficult.
    Jennica, Nugget9, Trappist and 3 others like this.
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I wonder is there are intimate mutual things
    that can work for this situation.
    Like karezza; I suspect they might be brought up if so, though.
    Nugget9 and hope4healing like this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    This is not the time to put your own needs first.
  7. Ineedhelp321

    Ineedhelp321 Fapstronaut

    See this is why I tend not to post here. I vent a little about a real problem I’m experiencing, I take the time to say I understand the biological reasoning behind what’s going on “...which I know wreaks havoc on hormones” and I note how the situation makes me feel and I end up having people post comments which suggest they read maybe the first few sentences and then had their comment in mind.

    Yes,I understand that she’s the one who had a person come out of her cunt. I was there, holding her hand and stroking her hair on our bed in the middle of a thunderstorm. No tears, no complications. She went back to her pre-pregnancy weight almost immediately and her only complain is she thinks her butt got smaller. It didn’t.

    Yes, I understand the biology of breastmilk production. I understand the hormones in her body can keep her from getting arroused as a natural form of birth control so she doesn’t get pregnant.

    Yes, I understand that some women get “touched out” by their kids over the course of the day and they just want to be allowed personal space at night. Since I’ve been the primary caretaker during the day, I don’t see that as a primary issue.

    Yes, I understand that orgasms aren’t everything and that my attention should be on her and my children. They are. Cooking, cleaning, changing, bathing, dressing, walking, playing, reading, talking, day in day out in our condo. Trust me. My attention is firmly on our kids and when she gets home she gets a meal, a warm welcome home from me and our son, and her only rear responsibilities are pump, clean her bottles, and maybe read our son some stories before bed. I do all I can to make her comfortable, and I’m glad to do it. I understand that her body is doin things I will never experience and therefore never fully comprehend.

    I understand all of that. What I don’t understand is why exactly I have to eat the cost of my sexuality and her lack thereof for weeks at a time and then have to roll with it when I’m woken up in the middle of the night with me inside of her if I hope to get anything at all.

    Meh. I’ll guess I’ll be back in a couple weeks. Just wanted to vent. Carry on.
    Castielle and Rehab101 like this.
  8. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    Your situation is understandable. Feel free to vent, I am with you. You have a need and as men we treat this as a reward. You are doing a very good job as a father. Hopefully you can have a conversation with your wife where she see you were upset about this. Maybe she can st least give you a quickie. Just make sure to be gentle but you sound really sweet and considering to her already. Just be gentle.
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    I’m confused are you saying you have sex with her asleep? I am not sure how long you have been on here but generally this community is not made up of a bunch of yes men and women. Why? Because that won’t help! So you listed all the things you know from a logical standpoint but still come to the conclusion somehow that you are the one being wronged.

    Men and women are different in the sense that it’s s woman’s nature to put others wants and needs first and it’s a man’s nature to put his own feelings first then consider others secondary. And that’s what you are doing here. You are saying yes I see why she feels like this but my wants and needs come first. This self first approach is even stronger with addicts. I used to call it the mantra of “fill in my exes last name.” It went like this “I I I, Me Me Me, I want, I need I feel.” You need to move away from I to her.

    My suggestion is that for the next month you put your wife first above you. It’s going to be very hard you are going to fight it but it’s the only way and it’s actually part of your full recovery in my opinion. You want sex I get it. She’s not ready, she’s tired she’s stressed she feels unsexy and that comes first before your own needs. In every single thing you do put her above you and see what happens.

    One final note the wining and pouting for sex is a huge turn off for most women so is constant pressure to have it. Often men say oh I’m not doing that but when you talk to the wives they are. Many engage in passive aggressive behaviors as a means to punish their wives for the lack of sex. That needs to stop. But guess what? If you follow my advice at putting her first it will.
  10. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

    TL: DR suck it up and be a man. Its not like you have a choice.
    Mezach and GG2002 like this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If you just have a new baby... Your family needs you.
    It needs you to be "dad" right now. Not husband.
    You worrying about getting your rocks off instead of being 110% present IS NOT BEING A GOOD DAD.
    It's being a addict.
    It's not being there for the family in all the ways that they need you.
    In your own words to quote you back to you, you said "it's a sacrifice on your sexuality"
    No. It's not.
    It's you being selfish and whiny.
    Your baby needs those boobs more than you.
    If this is a "sacrifice"..... Just.... Wow.
    This isn't just you venting...
    This a huge problem.
    Jennica, Nugget9 and GG2002 like this.
  12. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Hey man,

    You came for validation and got a little of it plus the smack down. I'm going to give you a little of both by relating my own experience.

    My wife was never pregnant but we do have a child. However, it's not relevant to the situation. We've always had an imbalance in sex drive in our relationship. Mine is higher than hers. If I were to try to quantify it, I'd say, I'm a twice a week kind of guy and she maybe every other month. But it's not just the frequency difference. I, perhaps as a man, I dunno, am able to have sex when I'm stressed and feel better afterwards, tend to get shit done around the house and be more motivated post sex, etc. She needs the deck cleared before she can be in the mood. She needs to de-stress _first_.

    So, we've had some conversations about this. It hasn't been easy. But we try to talk about it in ways that are "neutral" and non-judgemental. For the past 6 months, I let the issue go and sex in our house plummeted. So I brought it back up, the way I felt about it, how it affected me as a man who wants to be desired by his wife, how much I desire her and want to express that, etc. But I didn't try to change her. Instead, the conversations were as constructive as possible. Understanding that she needs to be stress free, how can I help her with that for example. But I also expressed that I need her to examine her priorities and truly look at where it stands on her list of wants and needs in life and make her own adjustments as necessary for the relationship. That's her side of the street. One way she said I could help was just more no expectation naked snuggle time. More touching without expectation of further sexual performance.

    My wife has a chronic illness now in remission. When it strikes, it can last for several months. There's not much sex during that time and for my part, it would be unreasonable of me to expect that during that time. But when she's well, I've asked her to make more of an effort and she has.

    So I guess what I'm saying is, have a constructive conversation with her. It's ok to feel "frustrated" and to "severely miss" her sexually. I feel that way when my wife is sick. My feelings are valid. But she's sick and I have empathy for that as well. So don't use your feelings to load your guns and point blame at her. Instead, ask how you can help her and be patient.

    I don't know where you are in your recovery, how long you have been abstinent, how long since dday, etc. That does matter. If you have been sober for a long time and your relationship has recovered, then the "addict" card should not be played _by either of you_. This is should be a conversation about healthy sexuality. I will say, it does sound to me like I hear your addict at least somewhat so take a look at that and make sure that's not going on.

  13. *BTW just want to say I am impressed that you're a stay at home dad, that is awesome. Haven't seen many of those around.

    Here is what I do know, postpartum period sucks! It royally fucking sucks for everyone. Why?
    Both parents aren't getting enough sleep.
    Babies are DEMANDING. I say that not as a complaint but as a truth.
    Babies are dependent 100% on their parents.... so who's needs are most important right now? BABY

    In regards to couples:
    Lack of sleep
    Lack of feeling sexy/wanted/desired
    No Time to connect
    Sex can be physically painful for months postpartum which frustrates both parties (male party because they want sex and the female party because maybe she feels broken or damaged post-baby)

    I actually have written 3 posts in the past two months on reconnecting and keeping the spark alive after baby arrives and it actually can work. You just have to be willing to compromise, be patient, and remember that you both are a Team, and that your wants might not be being met, but maybe hers aren't either? You'll never know if you don't communicate.

    I have a PDF I made of the 9 secrets to keeping the spark alive after baby arrives but I don't know how to attach it...

    But here are the tips

    1. Date nights twice a month - they don't have to be out of the house, they can be an in house date too, you can get really creative with this (especially since you stay at home you have the time to surprise her)

    2. 15 minutes of Quality Time Daily - literally 15 minutes a day of connection, and that IS possible.

    3. Get involved with a hobby together - think of something you both enjoy or have wanted to try and decide to incorporate that someway

    4. Romantic Weekend Getaway Once A Year - weekend getaways are much more affordable than a long exotic vacation. Drive an hour to three hours away to a location you both have wanted to go to, and book a nice hotel and have fun. This weekend getaway could be for valentines, an anniversary, or just be spontaneous

    5. Show Affection - Experts say that couples who are affectionate and aren't having sex are in the clear, but couples who aren't even affectionate are in trouble. So affection is more important than sex in a relationship. So think about things both you and your wife like. Do you like cuddles? Hand holding? Old School High School Make-Out Session on the couch?

    6. Prioritize Sleep - Ideally getting between 6-8 hours would be helpful in the long run. I don't know if you're struggling with baby falling asleep (If you are, PM me and I can send you an article I wrote on it, my son sleeps through the night and has since he was 3 months old)

    7. Flirt Daily - It's simple, send a cute romantic or sexy text to your wife and show her that she is on your mind. Tell her how beautiful she looked before she left this morning. Just have fun with this one

    8. Spoil Your Spouse (weekly) - I don't mean spend a bunch of money, but spoil your spouse in the way they love to be loved. If she loves back massages, spend one evening spoiling her with them.

    9. Showe Together 2x/week - If sex is off the table, showers can be really fun in the mean time. Not only can it be a loving thing, by cleaning your partner shampooing their hair, it can also lead to sensual make outs and some fun (if both of you want that).

    Anyways, my PDF is much more organized I just figured I'd give these tips out and cater them a bit to you in my examples.

    But seriously, Connection is achievable!

    Be honest with yourself:

    Do you want sex to be connected/love her? Or do you want sex for an orgasm? If you're okay with having sex without you having an orgasm, then express that to her, and if you truly want the intimacy that comes from sexual parts of a relationship, do something that turns you on but is sexual for her (like going down on her or something), if you haven't tried that, that could be one way to satisfy both parties.
  14. Ineedhelp321

    Ineedhelp321 Fapstronaut

    I came here to get words out of my head so I could let it go, without any expectation that it would change anything in my life. That’s as close to venting as I can see.

    For the people basically claiming I’m being “immature” about this, you have absolutely no basis for that at all. Yeah, I’m complaining about not getting any. But I’m complaining to strangers on the internet instead of taking it out passive aggressively on my wife. Yeah I’m frustrated that I essentially have no sexual outlets at present, and I’m putting it here rather than being a mopey asshole to my wife. I imagine you’re imagining I’m being a grumpy dick to my wife all day, but the reality is I’m letting weeks go by at this point without even mentioning sex. I keep this frustration to myself when I’m around my family because it isn’t constructive, but keeping it bottled up isn’t healthy, so here I am. Keep up the preconceived notions of what my home life is like, assume that my wife is being bombarded with selfish whines for her to give me herself, keep pretending that I’m some sort of immature child about this, because you have no clue what you’re talking about.

    As an aside, having desires for something is not the same as being an addict about it. I really want to have sex with my wife, but it doesn’t consume my every day. I try, she says no, I move on. The reason I made my initial post was because I was a little annoyed with how much rejection there’s been. There’s been no screaming, there’s been no ill will, I just miss a component of our relationship. “This too shall pass” and all that.
    Castielle and Rehab101 like this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think this is alot clearer than the last thing you said...
    And the first OP is clearly in "word vomit mode"
    I believe writing is a Very good outlet, especially when you are a stay at home dad. (and don't have alot of space)
    Nugget9 likes this.
  16. Glad you respect her to not push further, but.... do you understand her reasonings?

    When I was in the first 4 months postpartum... I would initiate trying sex only to be horrible let down because I wasn't healed down there and it wasn't working and I'd end up crying. Eventually I was too scared to try for a while. But the thing is, me and my husband were communicating with each other. When we couldn't have sex but both of us wanted intimacy, we did the whole shower thing with washing each other and making out and if we wanted to take that further we would, but that didn't happen every time.

    Do you know why she is saying no to sex? Is she too tired? Too stressed? Body conscious? Feels pressured? Without knowing the reasons behind why she says no, how can things change to make it so you both are happy?

    For instance, my sex drive is high (2-3 times a day high sometimes) and my husbands drive is once a week maybe. So there's a gap... so we have talked about it and we both agreed that the week might be harder to achieve sex because lack of time, our son is in a development milestone time and he is having some separation issues in regards to getting to sleep, so we all lay in our bed until he falls asleep and sometimes that's 9 pm and neither of us is in the mood. But we agree that the weekend is fair game for sex. Just this past weekend we had sex 2 times in a day! That hasn't happened in over a year but I was ecstatic! I know that won't happen again for a while, but it was amazing that he put in the effort to create a great day of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.

    What were your sex drives like prior to this pregnancy? (Note: Your sex drive may not be accurate until a full reboot has occurred. When I met my husband I thought he had the same drive as me but once he was off of PMO for about 3 or so months his drive was well once a week, and that was an adjustment)

    Did you both please each other throughout your sexual history?

    Have you both made each other feel safe during sex?

    Have you had open and honest conversations about sexual likes, dislikes, fantasies, desires, etc?

    These are some things to think about moving forward.

    Come here and vent, but make sure you don't remain passive or silent in your marriage. Honest, Open, Communication..... that is what makes a marriage possible to get better.

    Btw I noticed you never confirmed/denied whether your wife knows about your PMO addiction.... as you'll find out soon, that's part of recovery is disclosing. If you need help with that, I do have a sample disclosure letter, and you can PM me if you want that. I also have some sexual intimacy worksheets I created for my own business and I'd be more than willing to share that with you if you want.

    Recovery takes work. It takes honesty. It takes time. It's not an easy battle, but it's a worthwhile one.
    Nugget9 and GG2002 like this.
  17. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    Hey man,

    Part time stay at home dad here. Wife works full time. Gonna derail thread for a sec...tell me if you relate to this:

    It's really hard as a stay at home dad to find other people to socialize with it. You can't join moms groups for example.

    Also, there are two reactions I get when I'm out it public with my baby girl, both exceptional:

    - When my baby is happy everyone comes up to me and tells me "oh my you're such a great dad!" and I"m just being a dad. No one says that to a mom, right? It's just expected of moms to do all that. I tell them I'm just being a dad.
    - When my baby has just thrown up or having a fit or whatever "oh wow, that guy has no idea what he's doing".

    I've found most people to be very cool but stay at home dads are still martians to most people.

    Jennica, GG2002 and Trappist like this.
  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    I also noticed that the question on addiction has not been answered. If he has not shared his addiction with her and been open and honest then this is a whole different ball game.
    Nugget9, Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.
  19. Ineedhelp321

    Ineedhelp321 Fapstronaut

    Yes she knows. She put her foot down six months ago and I’ve been PMO free ever since.
  20. I’m pretty bothered by the “suck it up you selfish perv” response you got here, to be honest. What you’re dealing with is really hard, man. Of course it’s been hard and continues to be hard on your wife. She’s stretched thin, and some really important sexual intimacy being lost is part of you sharing in her pain, that’s the price of bringing a new child into the world.

    You picked a hellofa time to quit PMO. But take some consolation that it gets better from here!
    Castielle and Tannhauser like this.

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