Sex after baby

Okay my first suggestion is the you go over to the significant others forum and read the post by an SO which discusses how she is no longer attracted to her pmo addict partner post D day. I think pregnancy may play into her low drive but the primary driving factor is how your betrayal and pmo addiction are making her feel towards you. While six months out seems like a long time for you because it’s hard and you should be commended for your effort to an So six months is minuscule particularly if the addiction and lies have been going on for years. You say she put her foot down so that means she caught up? The reason I ask is that for now SOs a person who voluntarily discloses carries more weight in terms of forgiveness then someone forced to disclose.
To me personally post D day the thought of having sex with my ex pmo addict made me physically ill it made me want to throw up. He was disgusting to me and this response is common and lasted well beyond six months.

For most women sexual attraction is more in their heads than physical. If a woman can’t trust you she is likely to not have a desire to physically be intimate with you. SOs of pmo addicts also feel unattractive, less than, insecure etc due to their SOs viewing women with perfect bodies and often choosing that over her. Also a turn off. Men who are pmo addicts are often also horrible in the bedroom. They are selfish and basically use their partner as a masturbatory aide. They don’t think they are but trust me they are. If the sex is bad we don’t want it.

The biggest factor for you is not the baby it’s rebuilding trust and her dealing with the after effects of your addiction. It is very common for addicts to try to push their partner along before they are ready to forgive or move forward. This pushing backfires because it minimizes how truly horrible what the addict did was. And I do think you are minimizing because none of your post talks about or even mentions that your addiction could play into this at all. It is going to take her a lot longer than you think it should to recover from what you have done. My advice is still the same put her first, give her the time she needs and get into counseling for your addiction if you have not already.

You are at the very early stages of recovery. Trust takes seconds to destroy and years to rebuild. Be patient . I hope on reading this you can see what is going on and change your approach. I see your defensiveness in your responses and that is another tell tale sign of an addict not fully in recovery. If you are defensive with her that’s a non starter for trusy rebuilding.

Ask her what she needs to trust you again and whatever it is do it and keep doing it.

 

Interesting opinion and observations, @GG2002.

I’m glad you write again,
You make such thoughtful
worthwhile Commentary,
that I and likely many others
Find valuable.

 

Yea, I disagree with the just suck it up comment too. Men should be allowed to enjoy sex just as much. It may not even be any extreme heart broken case for your spouse because of your previous pmo history. We really don't know and we should not make any assumption. Best is to talk to your wife as that is your direct solution. If you do share what your wife as replies are, that would help to find a solution easier. Good luck.

 

why should Any man for that matter be given a free pass, after child birth... To be allowed to continue "spread their seed" to fake images when they have a baby at home and a new mom in their partner? That's not just a rejection to the partner for refusing to save sexual intimacy for her, but wanting to continue "to create so badly" is ignoring what you were just giving, which is that new baby. It's a rejection of her Egg.
Not even for another single woman... But For hundreds of screens
(speaking in general terms - about general relationships I've seen and using You&we as a general population You&we in this post)
Excuse me....
But are women supposed to not be offended by this?
Do you hear the argument?
It's not like you guys are saying "oh, man... My wife turned down sleeping naked again... Or me giving recipercal massages" or something.
The whole basis for this is your way (sexual outlet This one way - or the highway)

I see no man, in the two years I have been on NoFap - ask - how to create sexual intimacy after the baby is born, for both people, when she can't cuz she's healing or exhausted and he doesn't want to break a streak.
You all just go around moping and patting each other's butts like it's some kind of football initiative why you have a "excuse"... Which it's not.
Then complain and band together about the "responses".
You are grown men.

The OP is actually using writing for his outlet.
That's great!

However, her sexual energy isn't lost... Men need to get this "idea" that just because we have drawn focus for a hot minute to the child doesn't mean we are dead sexually.
Also, it is not a automatic pass for PMO.
Nor horniness, nor pouty attitudes about it.

The responses to this haven't_been "suck it up" they have been "why aren't you there for your wife intimately?"
Intimacy isn't just in the bedroom or just sex.
Its a complete encumbrance of things and after a baby is born, this should be a transition of the relationship into a higher plane of the relationship... Not a separation of intimate states.
Which... Men often create by reacting just like this.

It's almost never what a PA says but how he reacts to any given situation that gives us women the opinions of the things that we do.

It's not that we don't enjoy sex... We just aren't going to enjoy it with someone who is over there going- "can we do it yet?"
And actin like the kid in the car going - "are we there yet?"
Internal thought - 'No.'
' We aren't.'
' You are annoying.'
' I'm not relaxed any more.'
' You are bothering me.'

Would You want to be stuck body to body with that person? No.
And even if you don't say it...
The body language.

If you give us even more to do, instead of helping us beat the load...
Please tell me.
Help me understand...

How are we, as women suppose to react?


Cuz I gotta tell you...
I took my kids to the PCP today.
Two young sets of parents present.
One dad was Glued to his phone and the other was looking at all the nurses.
So... Body language...

How much do you think you are observed by your wives?

And how much do you think it plays into how she reacts to being frisky with you?



Also PSA----

if you are posting to RANT /VENT
Put a Label at the top of your thread.
But don't create a new thread and get comments with various opinions and thoughts and constructive criticism and then bandwagon off everything you don't agree with when you don't specifically say it's a Rant or Vent.
If you would like to Just vent to a buddy, use a Journal!
It's what it's for.

Edit : I do realize that This reads in a very Sarah Silverman tone, for that, I apologize if you didn't find her funny.

 

I agree with all of the above.

I just want to say that I listed 9 ways to keep intimacy alive after baby arrives. And men, Intimacy is Not Just Sex.

Did you know:
Verbal Intimacy
Spiritual Intimacy
Physical Intimacy
Mental Intimacy
Psychological Intimacy
Emotional Intimacy

Those are all the types of intimacy that are possible.

So .... Postpartum....sex is off the table -whether she is still healing, the doc didn't clear it, or psychologically she is scared and not ready..... sex is off the table. Ok... so Physical Intimacy isn't possible in the penetration way..... It's not the end of the world.


I am about to break this down so there will be no more reasons to whine about lack of intimacy

Guide To Intimacy Postpartum​

Physical Intimacy

1. Go Down On Her
2. Make out in shower
3. Cuddle together
4. Kiss her (passionately like you need her kiss to survive)
5. Hug her
6. Hold her hand
7. Brush up against her as you walk by
8. Dance with her

Verbal/Emotional/Mental/Psychological Intimacy

1. Ask about her day
2. Talk about your recovery
3. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her
4. Share your inner thoughts
5. Give a TFE (It's something I created to create deeper conversations, T = Thoughts F = Feelings and E =emotions) aka I think X and Feel Y about Z and my over all emotion is D
6. Know her love language and do what you need to do to show love
7. Share childhood memories
8. Talk about an interest you both have
9. Ask her about a hobby of hers
10. Surprise her romantically
11. Be understanding and ask about her Betrayal Trauma/pain from your addiction and see if she needs anything from you
12. Help her out with chores
13. Help out with the kids
14. Be a gentleman (pull out chairs, open doors, kiss her hand, etc.)
15. Be parents together and spend time with baby
16. Spend time alone together and talk, and go places, and go on dates

There are tons more I can list but I have to get to class. I also am not going to talk about spiritual intimacy as I am not religious but I am sure you can come up with ways to be intimate on a religious level.


Point is Sex is not the end all be all and you can survive without O for a LONG time. Intimacy is a need, sex is not a need.

I am not directing this post at anyone, just in general... here... take this.... use it... get smarter.... and once you have made her feel safe, loved, and like an equal....maybe sex might naturally happen.....

Anyways I got to get to class.... but this is really simple. If you treat her like a person and not an object... she might just be turned on and in the mood

 

You may not be asking her for sex, but venting on here will not allow you to "let it go." Yeah it's not healthy to bottle it up, it's also not healthy to not talk to HER about it. I don't care how much you are or aren't complaining to her. If it bothers you, you need to discuss it with her and expert whatever the outcome is. If she says "Fuck no I just pushed a baby out" alright sweetie, no worries! "Duck you, you lying cheating asshole" yes sweetheart, I understand you're devastated by my actions. "Sweetie I just don't know right now with the new baby and all" of course darling I love you and I'm here for you. I hope you get where in going with this. Whatever she says in such a conversion, you need to accept it.

 

Dude six months is nothing for a spouse who had been betrayed. If she has betrayal trauma from you're pmo and using then her pain will last for years. I don't know your situation, so I can't say anything definitely except for facts of certain circumstances. If she does in fact suffer from betrayel trauma and you expect her to not be angry at you after six months than you've got another thing coming. If she wasn't that hurt then maybe she is over it. But most likely even if she isn't that hurt, she is still upset about it. Even six months later. This isn't something where you just say sorry until she stops being upset and hurt. Not trying to judge you, I'm saying it is that way in general.

 

U go tiger. Happy for u. I never read ur post as an intimacy issue with your so. I don't know how it was intimacy issue automatically when not much detail about ur wife was given.

 

What I have learned on this site is that after awhile it’s pretty easy to tell by the thought process how far along and /or truly dedicated to recovery the addicts are. Meaning your response versus some of the other addicts. Recovery means putting your partners needs first. Not being defensive, understanding the pain you caused and what it’s going to take to gain forgiveness.

 

I am glad you brought up respect because that’s so important. Respect of course is earned not freely given and certainly not given just because you are a “man,” or a spouse. Pmo addicts lose the respect of their partners in most cases as do liars. A self respecting man recognizes his mistakes and freely admits to them. A self respecting man apologies when he has hurt someone he loves and keeps apologizing until he’s forgiven. A self respecting man respects his partners need to heal. But most importantly self respecting men don’t demand respect or go around saying “any self respecting man” because they don’t have to! They already have respect they have earned it. What you are saying is “I’m a man my woman can’t talk to me like that.” A self respecting man treats a woman as his equal.

 

I’m going to answer more simply.
After my first my hormones /femininity came back pretty quickly . After my second I had mild postpartum. No one knew . Not only did I not feel sexual , I didn’t even feel female . I felt nothing . I hid it well . I bartended so I had to pump at work . I felt like a fricking feed bad . I didn’t even feel human It lasted until my son was about 4 months . If back then HIS PMO was discovered and I then had to worry about HIM too ? FORGET IT .
I’ve read all you wrote , what everyone else wrote . I really think you need to communicate what you are feeling with her . Just be gentle, she may living a world in her head that you know nothing about . The dreams thing could just be a surge in hormones not really sure

 

I feel for you bro. My wife delivered our daughter 6 months back and only recently is she ok with the idea of sex. I feel it's ok for you to want sex, and a request is not a problem unless it annoys her or impacts the relationship. That doesn't make you a bad partner or parent.
Just hang in there, the wait is not too long.
For me it's totally a different issue that now she wants to have sex and i am still not done with my PMO streak. I plan to make her wait one more month and she is in no mood to . I started my streak thinking i will be done by this time but i had couple of relapses

 

Id get a new one before the old one gets repaired, than swith them back.

 

Sorry if someone already asked this but did you have lots of sex during the entire pregnancy? Or was it just after that you didn't want to do it.

 

Bloody hell! If you want to just vent start your private journal! Your attitude toward your wife is disturbing. She's not a porn star!

 

Yeah, because every man who struggled to adjust sexually to a woman’s lack of sex drive after recovering from childbirth, just does so because they think their wives are porn stars. Wave Surfer, how many children do you have? And when they were born, was there relational struggle and strain negotiating low sex drive or body image issues or postpartum depression or sleep deprivation? If you say there wasn’t, then, well - you’re a damn liar.

 

I'm the wife of a PA & think your feelings are valid. If your frequency as a couple has plummeted relative to before, I will assume both of you were satisfied w/ the amount of sex you were having prior to your 2nd(?) child. I haven't read enough to know if you've mentioned, but how long has your wife known about your PA? Would this be any correlation to her being standoffish?

So, she's using you to satisfy her needs without taking yours into consideration. Sound familiar?
How well do you communicate these frustrations with her?

I'm a SAHM, so I know first hand how ridiculously crazy days can be & all you want is some adult interaction, preferably with your spouse.

If this happened w/ your 1st born, obviously it's hormones; I can tell you understand that. This leads me to believe she's not doing it out of spite for the PA, which is great for your marriage (but still really shitty for you). She's probably unaware that she's flipped the script & is making you feel exactly as she has felt during your PA.

So, now you're left in this awkward position; how does a PA tell his post-partum spouse he needs sex? How does he gently say that PMO is what got him through these horomones the 1st go-around, only now, he doesn't have that outlet & he's dying a little inside? I feel for you. I would not want to have that kind of a conversation with my scorned, post-partum, sleep-deprived wife. Here's what I can offer:

-have her hormones checked by a simple blood test at doc; could be something more than "normal post-partum behavior" going on.

-if she's not doing any betrayal trauma work, find a way to suggest she does.

- If you're not seeing a therapist, do so. I sense some co-dependency coming from you. Totally normal; I think most humans are a tad co-dependent. You need to figure out how to depend on you in a healthy way if you & your wife can't come to a compromise on sex & frequency & approach to it.

-recognize bad advice on here. Some PAs haven't realized their wives do not get a free pass to neglect their husbands needs just because he betrayed you. Marriage *should be* an equal playing field at all times, period. A lot of SO's get so wrapped up in the very valid, & very raw pain & emotions that come with this addiction, that they haven't been able to truly begin healing. That still doesn't mean a PA should have to roll over like a dog. Your needs should be respected & heard as well (just keep in mind that doesn't mean she's obligated to give you what you want; compromise)(also, this is assuming her hormone levels are totally normal)

-give her the floor to tell you why she thinks her sex drive is diving; she'll most likely say hormones. That gives you the chance to acknowledge & validate why she isn't having sex. After you do that, ask her to kindly see things from your POV & work together on a compromise. A woman is cleared at 6 weeks *physically* for a reason. No. It does not hurt her to have sex anymore. If it does, she needs a doc. Body issues are totally viable, however, that would be something she'd need to overcome herself (which, apparently she did after your 1st born, as you indicate your sex life resumed after that initial stage).

-vent. Continue coming here. Some of us have open minds & try to give solid advice from both perspectives.

Patience is a virtue...maybe God is teaching you something, as frustrating as the lesson may be.

Good luck in police academy; an honorable career choice.

 

Wow, most of these replies are wayyy too harsh. He clearly is being patient and caring about his wife and saying that he doesnt want to bother her, but it's not at all selfish or bad of him to have his own sexual desires and feel a bit frustrated that they aren't being met. I think everybody here is being really rude to this guy, honestly. Give him a damn break, hes just expressing a minor frustration. That doesnt mean hes being selfish and putting his own needs first and doesnt give a crap about what his wife is dealing with. Geez.

OP, I unfortunately dont really have a lot of advice for you, but I just wanted to reassure you that I dont think you're being selfish at all. Clearly you aren't forcing anything and you feel bad about bothering her for sex and are trying to be patient. That's all good stuff. You're also doing good work staying home with your child until your work starts, which is great. I'm sure things will get better with time, but at the same time, they probably wont return to normal completely, as far as I can imagine, because having a baby does change things. But you're on a new chapter of life, and while this one might include less sex, it will also include a lot of other rich, good, beautiful things. It's an adjustment, and you'll have to get used to it and be patient and also communicate well and patiently and kindly with your wife.

 

This is so completely unfair! I honestly can't believe you said that. You're telling this man he isn't a good dad because he wants to have sex with his wife? That's complete bullshit. I'm sorry, but I can't believe what I'm hearing in this thread. Hes not being obsessive about sex or something, hes just asking for advice in his to adjust to this massive change in his life. Give him a break. Hes not a bad father for having a hard time adjusting to this. That's a really rude thing to say.