Sex after baby

Again, so completely unfair. Honestly, are all the women in this thread just projecting all of their issues with men onto this poor guy? He has said absolutely nothing to indicate that he treats his wife like an object and doesnt yave any intimacy with her outside of the bedroom. You are all making so many ridiculous assumptions, and I'm rather appalled by the way this thread has gone. I'm surprised this guy didnt just delete the thread all together, because he has done nothing to deserve this attack. Its absurd.

I'm done reading through these replies. All he did was ask for a little bit of advice or sympathy or mutual understanding about adjusting to a new way of life that is giving him some frustrations, and hes been called a bad father, accused of treating his wife like an object and not giving her any intimacy, and had tons of assumptions made about his life and his marriage and character. So unfair. I'm finding myself pretty angry with these responses, and I dont even know this guy. I can't even imagine how he must be feeling.

Hang in there, OP. It's a huge adjustment to become a father, and a lot of things change that you probably hadn't prepared for. That's completely understandable. I wish you all the best.

 

Hello....i think my perspective as a wife of a PA on this thread was pretty rational. If not, I apparently have tons of work ahead of me

 

I didnt get to any of your posts. Too fed up with the other ones. Sorry, I probably shouldnt have said "all."

Also, I'm a wife of a PA, too.

 

No worries...it's a relief to have another wife really "get it". I get equally as frustrated at some responses on here. I just want to scream sometimes, that nobody died & made them queen & their husbands their servants.

I get concerned that some people can't afford actual counseling sessions, or whatever, & they come on her & think some of these people speak the gospel of PA recovery healing. I feel for those that get sucked into thinking it's completely normal to berate a new father, just because he's a PA & has needs. Ridiculous.

I was starting to feel crazy that I "got" the PA side maybe too much; I'm comforted knowing I'm not the only one. Thanks for the awesome vent. OP shouldn't feel any shame for how he approached this or his feelings.

 

He uses the word cunt. Where is that word commonly used? Porn! Why would a man when talk talking about his wife used that if he had any respect for her? Of all the words he could of used he used that word! He did not need to use that word at all!!! In fact he could have written the whole sentence in a more kinder and respectful way but he chose to not do so. If he doesn't see his wife as nothing but an object why is he writing like this? There is nothing complimentary about that word, it is used to demean women! I would even call my ex's a cunt!

 

Did he? I missed that. Wasn’t in the opening post....

 

It's in his second post. To be fair he doesn't call his wife a cunt but when talking about her he uses that word and in my view talk about your and using that while talking about her is degrading. Look! I get it. Everyone in recovery has the mentality of a PA to some degree. You can quit porn but porn takes it time to quit you. I still hate the use of that word and it's disturbing that someone would use it on this forum. Should we accept PAM or should we call it out?

 

Fair enough - I see what you were reacting to now, and it’s a different point than I thought. But I also think one man’s inexcusably vulgar is another man’s harsh-to-make-a-point. In a community as diverse as this one, I figure you need to err on the side of assuming the best.

 

Thank you for pointing that out... that is where I couldn't really take the thread. Words like that, specifically words to degrade women.... honestly I can't be around people like that becuase those words cut so deep because of the sheer disrespect/degradation. I knew I couldn't talk about it without getting upset, so again thank you for pointing out language.

The one thing that helped me realize when my husband changed was when his language changed.... just something to note.

 

Thank you for having an understanding female that understand that guy can have a need. Truely Thank you.

 

Well for one, the UK. And tons of other places. As you said later, it's not like he called his wife that. Also, he was responding to someone's comment that was, in my opinion, incredibly judgemental and rude. So he was probably a bit pissed off when he wrote that comment, and I don't blame him. I would have been too.

Someone using that word once does not give you the justification to decide that his entire attitude toward his wife is "disturbing" and that hes treating her like a porn star. That's a ridiculous over reaction.

 

I find using description of "feeling crazy" when you felt empathy for a PA disturbing. I dont think its your fault but i must point out how easy it must be as a SO to lose so much respect for their PA partner that they start considering understanding similar people as "crazy". Its like they are some criminals.

I agree to an extent, that kind of language does point to unhealthy individual views toward women. But this line of reasoning smells of something rotten! Its like we are talking about some 1984 behavior modification scenario where even thinking of the word "cunt" turns you into state enemy #1.

 

I could be wrong, but I dont think that's what she meant. I think she was more saying that she feels crazy because so many other people here seem to not understand that mindset at all, and when you feel like you're the only one who gets it, it can make you feel crazy or like maybe you're wrong, because you can't possibly be the only person who understands. Idk, that's what I got from that.

 

I agree. I didnt find her stance disturbing, i found disturbing those views that made her feel crazy in comparison. Its still interesting though that her first instinct wasnt that those views are wrong but that she is crazy, pointing out how natural they must feel for a hurt SO.

 

I think it's a bit unnatural for most people to still assume they are right and normal when every single person around them is telling them otherwise, so its understandable. But I see what you mean.

 

I admit I can be cynical and critical, still I don't think I did wrong to point it out. Anna had a problem with it and I wouldn't be surprised if other SO have issues with it. Had no problem with @Ineedhelp321 OP, it's when he was saying this thread was for him to vent and didn't really seem happy that people were commenting. You're better off starting your own private journal if that's what you want. Maybe I'm being fussy with that but I don't think I'm being fussy about the word he used. It's bad enough that people use such words on the forum but even worse that it's used in the section where most SO go.

Porn tells us that women liked being called such things but it's probably not true. I've read on forums that women liked to be called such things during sex but from my experience women hate being called s**t, w***e or c**t. Seems like another lie porn tells us.

 

Thankfully I don't even know what that one means. Please don't tell me. Happy not knowing.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

You find it disturbing that I was beginning to feel crazy on this forum because I seem to be of a select few SOs that actually do convey empathy?

wut?

You, my friend, have misread everything I wrote. I'm one of the least "disturbed" SOs on here; definitely not making anyone feel like criminals.

I really do think I've gone mad, friends what just happened?!?

 

Well yeah, cause i agree with you that youre one of "the least disturbed". Thats why it was scary to see that you met so many opposite views than your own that you started checking your sanity. Disturbing was that there are so many of those views. I worded it screwy, sorry.

 

Thank you, SO MUCH. That was how I intended for *you* to receive my comment