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Sex after baby

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Ineedhelp321, Sep 4, 2018.

  1. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    She is one of the few less disturbed one here I agree. I have been active on this forum for months now.
     
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  2. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    How does one make it through life undermining a persons thoughts/feelings/message because vulgar words were used? I really do ponder this.
    This is a forum revolving around sexual addictions. Content can get a little disturbing for some members. The word he used was immature; likely attributed to his PA. As a woman & SO, I found it repulsive & degrading. However, I choose to not loose hindsite of the actual message trying to be communicated because he said a naughty word.

    That's just adulting, no?
     
    Rehab101 and Deleted Account like this.
  3. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    It took work..I appreciate the kind words; thank you
     
  4. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    No worries...I was hoping it was some kind of communication barrier. Letters on a screen make it difficult to communicate properly at times. A real conundrum.
     
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I think we all have sexual desires. As @SuperFan said ages ago, sex is not a need. Intimacy however is a need, it's a deeply ingrained emotional need, and if the OP is missing the Intimacy part that is soooo valid! Even missing sex is valid. But when a woman gives birth (if it was traumatic, especially) it takes 6 weeks minimum for the uterus to go back to where it was supposed to, and then if there are psychological fears like will it hurt, will the stitches tear and my vagina fall apart, will I get pregnant again ,etc those are very real fears that can make a wife not ready for sex. Sometimes they stitch you up incorrectly... sometimes the stitches make you feel too tight and you literally cannot have sex because of the pain... there are many many factors, and those factors should be communicated.

    So it all comes down to communication. And again, it can take up to a year for sensitivity to return to the vagina (nerve damage and all for the vagina being ripped apart), and it can take up to a year for hormones to regulate and to get your sex drive back. So sex is very different postpartum

    Some positions you used to love, you now may hate, or worse they may physically hurt. It takes time to heal...

    No one is a bad guy for wanting sex, but.... I am sorry, I really am struggling to have empathy for guys given a woman literally had her body torn apart and then is expected to have sex.... it's a real struggle for me to fully comprehend (and this is from someone who has a high sex drive compared to my husband). If my husband is sick, I don't expect sex from him. To me, postpartum physically and emotionally/psychologically can be seen from a sick perspective. They need rest and time to heal and get better.

    Sex is a want, and it's valid, but there is a time and place for it. Sex isn't a priority right after birth (nor should it be). Priority are children, and getting rest, and eating well, and finding time to connect with your spouse in other ways. Once there is stabilization, if there is a physical desire to release, just have some intimate fun in the shower like a handjob or something, but not sex if she is not ready for any penetration. That's all I am saying...
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Castielle if you read my post I said in general as in "to every guy out there, if you treat her right she will get turned on" I was not directing it at OP and I think I gave some valid postpartum tips on getting intimacy back when penetration is not an option...
     
    Jennica likes this.
  7. Okay, good for you, but does that mean you never feel sexually frustrated at all? That's all this guy is saying. That hes feeling sexually frustrated and wanting advice on how to deal with it. I dont "expect" sex from my husband either when hes sick, but I have gone through times when he has either been sick or had back or neck problems back to back to back, that have precluded him from wanting to have sex at all for at least a month, and its frustrating sometimes. That doesnt mean I'm a crappy wife and dont have empathy for my husband just because I'm frustrated about not having sex. And I dont think this guy needs to be told, again, all the things his wife is dealing with... he clearly is already empathetic toward all of those things, and he is not expecting things from her or demanding anything or trying to ask how to get her to have sex with him. Hes asking how to deal with the frustration.

    The implication of that is that since this guys wife isn't turned on, he must not be treating her right. And you didnt say treating her right, you said if you stop "treating her like an object."

    Sure... but in my opinion it all had an air of self-righteousness and a lack of compassion for his position, because you're clearly taking the womans "side" and it seems like you only care about her needs, not his. I also think it's a bit rude to assume he has intimacy issues, when hes asking about sexual frustration. That can very well be purely a physical thing, and I just feel like a lot of the women in this thread have no compassion for how that feels or something. It seems like you have far more compassion for his wife than for him, and you don't even know their situation. Maybe she didnt have a bad pregnancy or birth experience at all, and shes perfectly fine and just not thinking about his needs. Who knows. It seems like you and other people here have jumped to giving her all the benefit of the doubt, and assuming all kinds of negative things on his part, like that he must not be treating her right or he doesnt understand what shes going through or isn't listening or is pressuring her or isn't focused on taking care of his kid or is being selfish, etc.

    But whatever, this guy doesn't even seem to be around anymore (no surprise there), so I dont see any point in arguing about it.
     
    0111zerozero11 and Rehab101 like this.
  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    The OP said it's been 12 weeks. Also, this appears to not be their 1st child, so, I'm assuming his wife would have had at least 1 prior "heads-up"of how she was going to feel physically after. He also clarified this was a super smooth, non-traumatic birthing experience.
    When women go in for their 6 week post-birth clearance for all things sexual, the uterus is checked at that time for proper placement & return to normal size. If either of these things aren't normal, a competent doctor would advise pushing back the date on abstaining from penetration. OP didn't mention this. In fact, he says she does have sex; only, it's on her terms, in the middle of the night when he's not prepared, leaving him being the one deprived of intimacy that can be given & received by 2 partners via sexual activity. Any individual inhibitions either might have towards not respecting each other's needs physically or emotionally should be communicated by the affected individual. Life's too short for 2 people, willing to stay in a marriage post nuclear bomb, to play the "guess why I won't talk/touch/tease you" game.

    Excuses. I don't care what he did. If she's willing to stay in the marriage, she has as much responsibility to be honest & respectful of needs as him. That's marriage. Through thickness & thin. It works both ways & needs should be equally heard & compromise made.

    Oh! & remember?! OP says his wife is basically taking advantage of him in the middle of the night; so.....probably not anything physical.

    She literally wakes him in the middle of the night to get her rocks of. I think her body is fine. More excuses.

    He never said it was a priority.
    Do you fully allow yourself to reflect on something without automatically assuming the worst & coming up with a list of reasons defending something that never happened? I feel like projection might be an issue.
    Please don't claim the gospel on females & how they feel after birth. Not all of us that have had children recoiled at the touch of our husband's following delivery.
     
  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    ***STANDING OVATION***
     
  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I am so tired of this victim status mentality mob of SOs.
    So, my nofap manual must be lost in the mail. When it arrives, should I expect a chapter on "Saying 'Kudos' & a (missing?) Apology Can Cancel Out Wrong & Berating Entries"? I mean, cool if so, just seems like a complete lack of ownership to me is being brushed off by a simple "but I said kudos". I feel an acceptable answer to someone giving you honest feedback on multiple comments you made accusing a new dad of objectifying his wife would be more like: "I can see how my comments might have been a bit harsh & presumptuous & you had every right to voice your opinion. I really do feel bad & want that to be clarified. Thanks for your constructive criticism."
    I know you've been betrayed, but not every man is out to hurt us. Most are here trying to get better. Positive feedback goes a long way. You are not going to dictate & bully someone into thinking they have no power to reply to an open thread unless they "read the whole context". I read the whole context & think you own this man more than a "kudos; good job writing".
    Hope this wasn't to harsh; just tired of seeing people get bullied bc they had the balls to call out others' holier than thou & hypocritical behaviors.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  11. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    I feel like this discussion is something older than our entire species. Lol, i imagine some cavewoman kicking her mate in the teeth after he tries to get some action while she is still healing after birth. It also points out differences in how genders see sex. I heard someone say this before: women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved. Its a bit more complicated than that but its still generally true. And it creates all sorts of problems.
     
  12. I think this is a big part of what bothered me with a lot of the responses here, because some people are trying to just change what makes a man a man and say that it's not okay to be that way. And that's wrong. Hes searching for intimacy, too, in the way that is valuable and important to him, and hes being told to just suck it up and give his wife all the intimacy that women desire and ignore the fact that he has desires and needs too. And that's not fair.

    I appreciate the message you've sent me privately, but this is not an apology in the slightest. You basically said good job for writing about your feelings. That's not an apology or a recognition of any of your harmful and rude assumptions.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to NOFAP , where everyone has their own opinions and their own experiences that caused them . The point is to learn grow .some need tough love /answers to dig deep inside theirselves . I’ve seen some posts where a PA ripped into an SO comment , then later after sitting with it could see where she was coming from . None of us are perfect and PA brings out some not so pretty parts of the victim in the SO ( don’t tell me I’m not a victim , i 100% am of my husbands betrayal ) I think ripping other SO is the worst thing you can do , I’m sure they are in a place of pain already . If a PA wants to rip another PA , that’s a whole different argument. I know it’s not easy and I’ve deleted full written comments because I ask myself EVERYTIME “ will my words HURT or HELP the op “
    I do this with my husband as well . Choose being kind over being right !
     
    Numb, Jennica and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  14. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    For the last week or so i explored the concept of honesty in relationships talking with people here and IRL. Its obvious that complete honesty is not what people mean when they recommend being honest. I would dare to say honesty is not even best thing to do in theory. Finding these situations where honesty is not recommended is interesting to me. Nobody teaches you that. This is a bit off topic but still relevant.
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think there’s honesty and brutal honesty lol
     
  16. Not at all. First of all, this guy qant demanding his "right" to sex. He was asking for advice on how to deal with his personal frustrations.

    Secondly, that's not what this fight is about at all. It's about you, and other people here, making incredibly personal and mean assumptions about a person with absolutely no knowledge of their lives. This thread is literally the last thing this guy posted here and then he left. I'm not sure that's a coincidence. I probably wouldn't want to be a part of this community either if this I'd the response I get from asking for help.

    But honestly, whatever, I've said what I needed to say, and I'm done with this back and forth. A lot of the things you and Anna and GG has said in this thread are incredibly rude and uncalled for. If you're fine with everything you've said and feel no need to own up to the fact that you made baseless assumptions about this guy's ability to be a good father and treat his wife with respect, then there's nothing more to be said. We will just keep going in circles.
     
  17. I did not do that. I read almost all of this thread, and I had already read the comment you quoted to me. I stand by everything I've said. Even if the comment I quoted by you is the only negative thing you said in this entire thread, its doesnt matter. It was still a terrible thing to say.
     
  18. Doesnt matter. You still haven't owned up to what you said. If you call someone a bitch and then walk away, are you allowed to say "well that's all I said, and then I left, so *shrug*"? No. You own up to the thing you said that was not right.

    But whatever, it's not that big of a deal. I just dont see what's so hard about saying "yeah. you're right, that was mean and I shouldn't have said that."
     
  19. HereAndThere

    HereAndThere Fapstronaut

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    Which one is the truth?

    I think this is the gist of it. Children first, then mothers who care about them, ergo males biggest achievement in life is to serve mothers and children. Which makes sense in a biological way but its not something most of us would go with.
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    They both can be true . I think it’s the way truth is presented
     

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