So i have been thinking for some time about making my own journal instead of just small post here and there, thought it could help me and possible someone else. Me and my partner have been together for 2 years now, and if we didnt have this problem our lovestory would be kind of cute. We have known eachother for more then half our lifes and been best friends for about as long, both of us wanting more but not having the guts to tell the other. And of course life and other people got in the way for some time. But 2 years ago we finally got together, and i see him as the love of my life and the person i want to spend my life with. And i guess thats a part why all of these things hurt so much. I found out about the porn-addiction rather quick after moving in together, it cant have been more then a month. He was at work and i reacted to that all the suggested pages on hes computer was more or less porn-sites. My instincts told me this was not right, and i think like most people i started to look into how much is there. Was there a reason for me freaking out or was i just over reacting? And there it was, more or less everywhere i looked there was porn, and a huge amount of it. Not knowing what to do i texted him and asked, not about fidning all of it but about the recomended pages. I knew that if i told him that i had found everything, things would backfire and not end well at all. The explenation i got was that he used to have a problem, but that he did not watch things anymore he could just not kick the habbit of downloading it. And i knew then all ready that all of that was bullshit, but i did not know what to do about it. Moving on since then we have had what feels like an endless amount of D-days, and what hurts more an endless amount of lies. And even tho we have made alot of progress from him denying it all that first time it feels like we are really far from getting somewhere. Since last summer we have had acountability software, agreements, boundries etc. None of them have really worked, right now we are at a point where i have removed the acountability software becouse it does not help and accually causes me more stress then relief. He lied and sneaked around it so much that things looking clean i think at some point just made it worse. Having to experince this, specially in the begining when i did not really know what i was going trough have had a huge inpact on my wellbeing. I got panic-attacks, sleeping issues, consentration issues and it doesnt take much for my mood to snap. Like very small things like not getting into the bottle of ice-the last moring made me so mad. And i would say that im normaly a sort of patient person. Adding to this is also the fact that i have been the only one with a job for almost a year (he got one now tho), and having that pressure on top of this have been a bit much. Like i said not knowing about the depth of this is a huge part of why how i feel got so bad i think, knowing more about the addiction and reacting more to how i was feeling earlier might have done a difference. I could for a example have set up more boundries to protect myself earlier. Another thing i know that have hurt me alot is that from the start there was alot of pressure for me to look a cerain way or act a certain way for him to be sexually intrested in me. And i did not know that it was becuse of this, i just though of it as beeing hes preference or something naive. But that in combo with beeing exposed to images and other type of content i started to feel like he wanted to make me into one of them. And that of course started a negative spiral where i would start to compare myself to them, and saw that i failed to met up to that impossible standard. And he himself have made alot of progress in learning what real sex is and how he views me, leading to us having a sexlife that is more natural. But the feeling of not looking good enough is still there for me, and is enforced everytime i have to find sexual images of other women. Finally after typing what feels like half a book i would like to sum up where we are right now, and that is sort of a stand still. And i say standstill becouse he wants to work on things and so do i, but we seem unable to met halfway anywhere. An example of that is me not wanting sex if he is active/have relapsed. But we cant have accontability software, he cant tell me himself if he have relapsed and he cant be honest if i ask him. Common theme in all of these no goes is that he says that hes addiction wont allow him to be honest. Like he cant relaps if he knows hes gona be caught, with acoutabilty software. He cant own up a relaps becuse the shame of the addiction etc. And i dont want to say that doing one or all of these things is gona be easy, but they can be done and must be done if he ever wants to get sober. I so wish he could realize that its the addiction telling him that it is impossible, not the fact that it is impossible. Oh and also he have been seaking help, but was told today that porn-addiction is not a real addiction. And that is kind of soul crushing, becouse he made an effort but was shut down and im scared that this will put him of from trying again. And it is so so annoying and frustrating that our country isnt as far a long as other to view this as a real problem.