Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I wish I had answers for you. Hopefully some of the SO's will chime in.

    But I will say this - you and your baby deserve much better. And you are obviously trying so hard.

    And this is a great place to vent! I hope that it helps you to be able to open up anonymously online.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So a bit of self reflection first of, i told my partner that i hated him last night. Not my best moment becouse it doesnt feel mature or constructive. And its not him I hate either, its how he makes me feel. If im gona analyze it a bit more i think it was about showing him how upset I am, i feel a bit ignored in that department. Hes stickning to hes usual behaviour, acting like everything is normal.

    And i think I am hoping/expecting more, not like a grand im sorry gesture. But perhaps some kind of remorse and an interest in how im feeling and dealing with things.

    Other thing in my mind today is loneliness. And not just going trought all this with pmo alone but in a bigger picture aswell. I miss having a partner, someone I can talk to and experience things together. Specially the pregnancy, i had this image in my mind that it would be something we went trough as a couple. Him wanting to share experiences like the baby kicking or planing how to decorate the nursery. But he is not there at all emotionaly and seems most of the time like he doesnt care.

    I also felt another kind of loneliness the other day, a bit connected to my earlier post about being sexualy rejected. I miss feeling wanted by someone, to feel atractive in that way. And i think its the first time i have ever felt that in our relationship. I have definetly felt sexualy frustrated before, but never rejected to this level.

    The good thing that i stick to to cheer myself up is my little baby girl that loves to kick me alot. Feeling her makes me feel a bit less lonly.
     
  3. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    If your SO is ever in need of an AP, please have him contact me directly. Help is available -- if he wants it.

    God bless you and yours.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i have noticed that im mostly fine during the days, with short periods of anger or sadness. The evnings around bed time is worse, at that point i mostly want to cry. And that makes falling asleep really hard.

    We still havnt really talked about things, he still sticks to hes acting normal rutine. That together with the lack of emotions from hes side makes me strongly suspecting that he hasnt stoped. Something that has happend many times before, when he says that hes sorry and wants to change but does nothing and changes nothing hes mostly still PMOing.

    So my hopes for change is really not that high at the moment.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    My mind got caught up on something this morning and i cant let it go. Can i trust him alone with our child, and can i trust that he doesnt expose her to all of this?

    The consern is coming from the fact that he sees no problem with watching porn while im sleeping next to him or is in the same room doing something else. So why should it stop him when the baby is sleeping next to him?

    And i cant let go of this fear, but i also know that we cant raise a child when i dont trust him to be alone with her. So i dont really know how to solve this.

    Another thing that i talked about yesterday was talking about thing with him, and last night I asked when he thought we should do it. But all i got was reasons why we couldnt do it today and that we might do it during the weekend. And i get that its scary for him, but just pushing it forward doesnt help either. We will never get past this if we dont talk.
     
  6. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I agree 100% and hope that you do have a serious and productive conversation with him.
     
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So an update about the weekend, he came down to see me on friday and stayed untill sunday. We didnt really have the time to talk about things, first we went to Ikea to buy things for the baby. Then we went to see some of my best friends that just had a baby.

    Seeing him gave me somewhat mixed emotions, he was acting decent for the first time in weeks and that was nice. But i also realized that i had put alot of emotions about the relapse to the side. And i honestly dont know how i feel about things.

    Money is clearly a big stressfactor, i have constant nightmares about it. And it bothers me that he doesnt seem conserned, i know if he reads this he will say that he is. But he does nothing to sort things out. I feel like he just watches me working my ass of and still fall deeper in debt.

    On my side im so stressed that it bothers me that im pregnant and have to go on maternety leave in a feew months. I desperatly want to be able to work. And i also fear that i wont be able to be home with my baby as long as i like. As things are now it feels like im gona be forced to go back to work really soon after she comes. And thats not at all what i want, but i also know that i will do it if it is needed.
     
  8. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Very tough situation. I am praying for all of you.
     
  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I was thinking some yesterday and landed in the fact that things have been moving in the wrong direction the last months. Hes relapses have been longer and the amount of lies have almost fallen back to where we started.

    Hes acting like a dess fish emotinally, but no he hasnt relapsed. And things can go like that for weeks untill i force it out of him. And having to force things out is really draining, i have to find evidence and thats hard enough. But then i also have to be mad and pushy enough for him to confess. And honestly i can do without this part more then the pmo.

    I would love a world where he relapsed, told me and tried again. This cat and mouse game isnt something i want or need in my life.

    And im at the point where im so fed up with it where I wish i could just say that fine have your pmo. I can live without sex and that sort of attention, after all this rejection it would feel easier. But no one wants to live with an emotional dead fish. And i especially dont want to raise a child with someone like that.

    So somehow, somewhere i have to find the strenght to keep batteling this. Im just not sure how im gona do it.

    Becouse i feel like i cant do things like before, i cant asume that hes sober. I more or less feel like i have to work from the other end of things where he has to prove hes sobriety if he wants me and the baby. Otherwise i feel like i give to much room for lies.
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So first of all a new relapse two days ago, i forced it out of him just now. I had my suspisions and wanted to know what I was coming home to tomorrow. And im sure that he wants cred for admitting to things before i had to look trough hes computer. But in my opinion it doesnt really matter when i have to treathen hon with doing that.

    And like always i feel really sad and powerless in all of this. Plus i got the added element of the baby, so when i freak out i freak out about if the stress is gona harm her. In a very unhealthy circle. And i wish for her sake that i could put things to the side, and pick this up again after she is born. But things are usually so clear and in my face that i cant ignore them. But i do my best to meditate, stay calm and focus on her.

    Another thing i have noticed is that im showing clear signs of ptsd. My mind is supressing most things related to hes adiction. Like i cant tell specifics about past relapses. And when they do come to the surface i have the same reaction as when they first happend. So im clearly not dealing with things.

    But i dont know how i can manage that considering all other things im doing. Working, living away from home and being pregnant.

    Overall i feel like im fighting a battle that i cant win, not just the pmo but things i general. No matter how hard i try things keep falling apart.
     
  11. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I overall feel a bit defeated in all of this, I feel like im never getting heard. We still havnt talked since the previous relapse, and he have avoided reading my journal to avoid knowing how im feeling. And to no suprise hes avoiding of dealing with things lead to another relapse.

    We sort of talked last night for a short while, and i tried to explain that avoiding consequenses is him enablening himself. And that the same goes for saying that he doesnt mean to hurt me. And im not saying that hes doing that on purpose, but its very clear that this is something he says to make himself feel better and not me. He does all he can to avoid feeling guilty, and in an extent to that hes avoiding responsibility.

    I feel incredible lonely, I have had no support from him in the last few weeks. And i got no one else to talk to, becouse out to everybody else im forced to maintan a picture about a happy couple thats excited about having a baby. He doesnt want people to know, and i cant really blame him when i feel the same. Not for hes sake, but for me. Im so ashamed of my life and the situation im in. How can i explain that i let someone else treat me like this without walking away? The I love him argument feels week when i let him destroy my life.

    Im going home this weekend, not sure how thats gona go. But i also feel like i cant avoid going home either, becouse its my home aswell and i wont have him take that away aswell.

    But i have also agreed to talk about how hes feeling and helping him with seeking help, and that just makes me feel like an idiot. I got nothing more to give and get nothing back, yet i keep on giving...
     
  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So im home now for the first time in two weeks, and i would like to say that it feels good but it doesnt. This morning i woke up with alot of anxiety, feeling that something wasnt right. And to no suprise things wasnt.

    But i dont like this overall feeling that my home isnt my home anymore, i feel like a guest in a haunted house. There have been so much betrayal here, and there still is behind my back when im away working. Might sound a bit silly but i feel like the house have betrayed me aswell.

    But im not happier when im not her either, or feel more at home at the other place im living. I feel root less i guess i would call it, like i dont belong anywhere.

    I hope things change when i can move home permanenty this fall. When i got the time to make the house mine again. At least "my" part of the house.

    For now im gona try to relax even tho im filled with anxiety, me and my baby deserve some rest.
     
  13. Reading your journal is like reading my personal one. I'm on DD #I lost count right now. It makes me feel crazy. I don't know what is real anymore because what I am being told is not the truth. I also feel like he imitates the stuff he watches with me and that makes me feel so worthless. It's a really empty feeling. Thank you for sharing your journey on here. I am still on the fence if I can deal with my situation anymore. The last time he actually thought I had not found anything on his phone and came and said, I see you were looking at my phone and I guess you didn't find anything. I had sent screenshots to myself, so I went ahead and sent those to him. He acted genuinely shocked, said something like...I don't remember that, to which I provided dates. Dates that were not that long ago. Of course, when confronted, the first thing found is always "when it started again". I don't believe that for 2 seconds. It just feels like the addict lying to keep access to their drug of choice. I'm so angry and hurt. I'm tired of this stupid roller coaster of emotions that are not productive and not a part of how I wanted to spend my adult life. I am a beautiful and intelligent woman. I'm sure you are too. Hang in there and love yourself as much as you can, when you can. That's what I'm trying to do. Honestly, not doing a great job with it right now but still trying.
     
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  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea its good to know that your not the only one going trough all of this, it makes the craziness of it all a bit easier to deal with. And mostly I feel like it validates your own feelings, your not the only one reacting like you do.

    And i can so relate to the feeling of not knowing if you can do it anymore, how much can one person take? For me i have had that feeling for a while, and i can feel my own defence for staying weakening. If you had ask me a year ago i would still have resolve in my love for him and our ability to get trough this. Now days i find myself questioning the same resolve.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  15. It is a living nightmare that you don't wake up from. It has changed me in so many terrible ways. I don't even like myself at this point and I used to be so strong. I think for me it's the duality of someone telling you how much they care about you and the actually behaviors of completely doing the opposite of what a person would do that does care. I told my partner yesterday that this made me feel worthless and he smiles at me and says you are not worthless. You are a great person. Don't think that about yourself or some crap like that. If there is anything this has taught me, words are so cheap. Especially to someone who has gotten so good at using them to try to maintain their position. Love is in actions, not in words. If someone loves me, it is found in how they treat me, not in the words they say. I hate this crap.
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So I was home during the weekend, and i got somewhat mixed feelings about it. Overall he was nice, loving and caring. But it didnt feel enough, acting nice doesnt change or fix things. And i think thats something he doesnt really get, that there is more to fix then the addiction and behaviour. He needs to repair the huge holes that exist in the relation, fixing the addiction will not by default fix this aswell.

    We still havnt had the talk I would like to have, we had one talk when other lies come to the surface. But that talk was mostly conserning that, and how he was hoping it would go unnoticed. He also brought up the subject of me not showing him enough love.

    And I get why he feels that way, but i cant do anything about it before he stops hurting me. I dont think he can imagine opening up and showing love to someone who makes you feel worthless to the extreme level that he makes me feel. Doing that more or less feels like suicide.

    On the same subject i have noticed that when i have feelings for him, it takes about a minut for me to get anxiety and get sad instead. I see that as a clear sign of how hurt i am when having feelings for him feels dangerous to that level.
     
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I was talking with one of my adult sons. He is NOT into PMO. he had his dating fun etc...but for intent and purposes he’s kind, helpful and respectful. His level of honesty is sometimes overwhelming though.
    So we had this conversation about men lying about their porn use. I said, “if what he’s (PA) doing is so acceptable, and all guys do it, why does he lie and hide it?”
    My son said, “because he’s still a little boy”. He said , “ Tell him to man up, quit lying ,and face up to the fact that you haven’t grown out of being a scared little self centred brat.”
    We both laughed at the abruptness and honesty. But seriously, us SO’s take it upon ourselves to help and support our guy. We make excuses, we set up boundaries, we set consequences, we give ultimatums...etc...isn’t that what their mother used to do
    I mean good golly..if they want to go wack off, cyber date, hook up for one night stands, they’re going to do it. We all know they just get better at hiding it so....why lie..Sometimes I think they like the negative attention they receive ! AND when we know they are lying “WHY DO WE ACCEPT IT”...seriously? WHY..?
    Yes we love them, but would they accept unacceptable behaviour from us...highly unlikely.
    This is their issue to fix...not the SO’s. They have to first heal their addiction issues and then maybe, just maybe they can work on skills to develop a healthy loving relationship.
    The lying, deception, betrayal is absolutely brutal.
    There is no easy fix. It’s frustrating and anger provoking...then through in heartbreaking.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  18. Those two sentences...you hit the nail on the head.
     
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  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    How can you show love and affection to someone who keeps betraying you?
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  20. This reminds me so much of "being safe" with someone. When you go into a relationship, you expect that relationship to be the safest, then when this happens over and over, it becomes the least safest space in your life. I don't feel safe in my relationship and I HATE THAT SO MUCH. I totally get what you are saying!!
     
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