Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Every person is different and I'm not a psychologist, but it's my opinion that it isn't necessarily bad to "shut down" for a while. I think it can be a useful rest for the mind and body. My therapist concurs, as long as it doesn't develop into full-blown disassociation or last too long or become too frequent. What constitutes "too" probably depends on the person. Personally, I have had several episodes of "not caring". They weren't intentional - I just "found" myself there. Then, slowly, reality started to set back in. At those times I really do believe I was near a breaking point and needed some time to feel nothing. People used to tell me to take care of myself and I would get so angry and think "I don't have time to take care of myself! Don't you see what's happening? I need to fix this. I'll take care of myself later." So I think the shutting down was my body and mind taking over for me and forcing me to rest when I refused to let myself. Eventually, my situation resulted in me truly "not caring" and withdrawing from the marriage, but this felt much different from the previous episodes. So sorry you are going through this. At the risk of making you angry, please try to take care of yourself and if you find yourself not caring for a while, try to be grateful for the rest. Just my two cents. Hugs to you.
     
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  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your support, and i dont get mad when i hear i should take care of myself. In my opinon its the best thing i can do, my wellbeeing is one of the few things i can change in this situation. Learning that i couldnt fix him/the addiction really took alot of my plate.

    I guess my biggest worries about not caring is knowing the difference between shutting down becouse its to much to handle or if i simply doesnt care anymore. How did it feel different for you?

    I think the main reason im shutting down right now is the big nest of lies, its just not one or two. I dont know how to feel about it, what lies hurts the most etc. Its just to much for my mind to grasp and process quickly. So i think im gona give it a few days and see if my feelings clears up
     
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  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So today i want to vent about lies, becouse as i have said before there have been alot of them lately.

    From lies about money to several lies about the relapses. Both from himself when he has done daily updates to me and when directly asked if he had relapsed. But the lie i found myself beeing most upset by is the lie about how he have had more feelings for me then normal.

    And my question there is yea well where the hell are does feelings? Becouse he barely looked at me or spoke to me. Not to mention the lack of physical contact or affections, both of does thing did not exist at all. Instead he spend hes entire days in the office by the computer.

    There is something about lying about how he feels for me to cover up a relapse that is beyond hurtfull, it feels rude and insulting. Its something that you should not simply do to someone else.
     
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    For me, shutting down just felt very "blank". I had almost no emotion and sometimes, I didn't have complete sensation in my fingers and toes. They felt a little numb. Also, my body felt very light and hollow. I remember one time in the grocery store feeling as if I didn't have enough mass to push the shopping cart. Of course, I could, but I had the feeling of being a ghost that would pass right through it. It was a very strange feeling. And after several hours or at most a day or two, the hurt and pain and other emotions would gradually come back and I was right back in that emotional torture again.
    This time, when I actually stopped caring, I felt whole and unburdened. You know what people say about having a weight lifted from your shoulders? it was exactly like that. I could stand up straight. Within a couple of weeks, some of my physical symptoms had disappeared. I had developed a painful condition with my jaw, a foot and one hip and had suffered from these for months. All of this went away and has not returned. I immediately had the normal range of emotions, but I simply didn't love my husband any more and had very little concern about what he did. Of course, I still care about him as a person, and will do anything to help him, but I am no longer romantically interested in him and will not allow him to hurt me again. I hope this gives you a clear picture of how it was for me. Again - it might not be the same for you.
    Ah yes - the lies. I think it was @Trappist on these forums that once told me that some addicts lie "just to keep in practice". I also firmly believe that some don't actually know they are lying while they are doing it. Things don't "feel" like a lie to them.
    If you have read my journal, you may remember me telling the story more than once about times when my husband leaned in to kiss or hug me in public so he could ogle a woman standing behind me without me seeing him. I have told this story repeatedly because those incidents have been right up there with the most insulting, painful things that have ever happened to me. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trust your intuition.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So another not so fun update today, i caught him lying about money again. This time i gave him then chanse to come clean himself, told him that i felt that something was of and i wondered if he had any reason why. I tried to not be aggressive about it, to really try to make him open up.

    Well of couse it didnt work, he lied all the way untill the point where i pointed out that i know could you please stop lying now?

    Lies about money have been almost as big of an issue between us as hes pmo addiction. And have had som pretty devestating consequenses for me, and im not sure if he doesnt realize that or chose to ignore it.

    Adding to that, the big thing that happend a few weeks ago was that i found out that im pregnant. Short story it wasnt planed but i want to keep it. But i feel myself wondering alot now about how we can manage a child when money disapears that should be saved for things the kid will need. And i feel like no mather how hard i work, how much money i bring in it all goes down the drain. A normal family life just seem impossible.

    As a last thought i cant help but to think about a possible relapse aswell. These things goes hand in hand, i guess time will tell if in right
     
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Wow. Lots to think about. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time. Dealing with this addiction is tough enough, but while pregnant? Others here have done it - maybe they will chime in. Hugs to you.
     
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Good idea, might make a separate post about that. I could really use some insight in how to handle hes addiction while having hormones that goes crazy, and all the thoughts that comes along with bringing a child into this
     
  8. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Have you told him that you're pregnant yet? What was his reaction?

    Pregnancy can be a real shock to many addicts - some finally get enough motivation to become sober, others just take it as another source of stress and the addiction becomes even more intense.

    I am sorry to hear about the money issue as well. Have you discussed any ideas on how to address it?
     
  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea i told him before it was confirmed, to make him included in whatever choice we made. I think i said above that it wasnt planed, so it was a chock for both of us but in different ways. For me the biggest chock was coping with all the changes, beeing a tired zombie that threw up non stop. For him it was more about am i ready for the changes etc.

    It was alot of drama to begin with, he went from not wanting it to being really excited about a kid. To being a bit indifferent now, and thats a bit scary since i dont really know what hes thoughts about it is. And i think hes using the pregnancy as a bit of an excuse for the resent relapses.

    We have talked about it alot of times, and made tiny progress in the matter. But its at the level of him not taking money from me and lying about it, to him spending hes own money in things forcing me to use my money for bills and gas for hes car etc. So its not alot of progress as i said, biggest change is that he got a job now after beeing unemployed for a year with me being the single provider for us.

    I think hes lack of consequens thinking due to the addiction makes it hard for him to see the harsh consequenses it has for me when he spends money that we dont have. Like now he isnt the one with a student loan he has to pay back, with the money lacking becouse he spend it all its me. And even if i tell him that (and i did) he still seem to not be botherd so much about it. But he could potentialy ruin my future, making me unable to get an apartment or a loan to buy a house etc. And that is so scary, both the fact that it could happen and that he ignores to see it
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So alot going on again, first of all pregnancy is exhausting and takes most of the energy i got.

    I also got a new job, something i thought would be impossible with the pregnancy. My contract at my current place is ending soon and i didnt get an answere on if i would get a new one or not. So i decided to look for something new, and it took me under a week to get a new offer. The downside with it is that it is in another town, so i will be living there for a few months only being able to go home during the weekends. Being away from my partner that much makes me worried that the adiction will get out of control. But staying here isnt an option if we are gona make ends meet.

    Another thing is that my partner is sceptical about my journal and me in general i guess. He says i only talk about him in negative terms. And i both feel like i should be able to write what i want here, since its the only place i got to talk about these things. And not sharing them at all is to heavy.

    And for a more general view of things i dont know what he is expecting, or well i do but i dont see how it would acually work. He wants me to be suportive, loving and caring. And under normal sircumsranses thats reasonable, but at the moment we got relapses or another big thing about once a week. Normaly not giving me so much time to recover, so i have turned cold and distant. But how else would i survive this?

    Truely feeling all the pain, loss and lonlieness with every betrayal would kill me. Or well i would not even be close to the same person anymore, so is it wrong for me to want to protect that last little piece i got left of myself?
     
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Nope - do what you have to do to protect yourself and your baby.
     
  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So new day, new lie. Or well same as before but he did it again. I think its the 3rd time in two weeks that he have lied/tried to hide that he spend money on the game he plays. And a few 100 dollars in i cant help go start to think about banning the game, becouse nothing i say or do can make him stop.

    But the main thing for me right now is all the blame i take, calling him out in this for an example wanting him to see the consequenses and take responsibility makes me verbaly abusive aparently. And yea im mad but i dont go for namecalling or say things just to hurt him.

    And beyond that its partly my fault that hes depressed and feels lonely. And in extent to that im responsible for hes relapses. Even tho i pointed out go him yesterday that i can go above and beyond to make him happy, doing all the housework, making sure that he good homemade food for work and more or less offer daily bjs. And i did this for a fair amount of time of our relationship, i guess it was my desperate atempt to fix things.

    But he was still sad, alone and turning to pmo. So the problem isnt me and what i do or dont do, the problem is something deeper inside him. But i guess its easier to point fingers at me then dealing with that.

    Beeing blamed for things or beeing called abusive or a bitch when i raise my voice to say that this isnt acceptabe hurts alot. It makes me feel like its my fault that im in this situation and that im a worthless person that cant handle it better and give him what he wants
     
  13. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Classic gaslighting. NONE of it is your fault. HE is 100% responsible for his behavior.
     
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  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I know i havnt posted in a while...i work for 8 and a half hour and got a bit over 3 hours traveltime back and forth to work. So im away almost 12hours every day, being pregnant on top of that makes me exhausted 24/7.

    And while i have been away working things have completly fallen apart at home. Not only have he relapsed hard and lied about it, he also spent most of the nursery money... So i need to work together more money for that and fix all other economical issues aswell.

    About the relapsing i dont know what to say really, part from that i have known about it for a long time and i have tried to make him confess but all i get is lies. I still need something to point on or else he denies it, and that feels pretty childish. Why do i need evidence to prove it when both he and i know it.

    Worst part is that he has been completly cold emotinally, to the point where i questioned if he still loved me. So going home during the weekends have felt more or less pointless, being ignored and treated as nothing is easier to deal with at a distanse.

    And like all other times i dont know what to do. Im at the point where i feel like im holding it together just for the baby. Without it i would give up and fall apart.
     
  15. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    His behavior is totally inappropriate. He's about to become a dad, and he needs to shape up NOW. Does he have any positive male role-models? What was his relationship with his dad like?

    I'm a recovering PA, and my wife is 9 months pregnant, and so I understand that it's scary for him, but he is acting childish and like an absolute idiot. Relapsing is one thing, but lying about it is totally wrong. And stealing money, not just from you but from his child (money intended for the nursery)? What kind of man does that?!?

    In my opinion he needs to start shaping up now and show some serious effort at improvement. Otherwise he is just going to lose everything. It's completely unjustifiable for him to put any of this on to you. I'm not saying you have to leave, but I think you should be ready to.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Hes dad was an alcoholic, spending most of the time pased out on the sofa. And he says that hes very dedicated to not be an absent father like hes own. But i dont think he sees how he acts when hes relapsing. Like he felt the baby kick for the first time this weekend and was completly emotionless about it.

    And that made me both sad and scared for the future. Like i said before i know whats going on, a kid doesnt. It will just feel rejected and unloved if he acts that way.

    What scares me the most right now is that im away working for another 2 months and i cant see him cleaning up hes act while im away. I think he thinks that he will get away with things just cuse im not home...
     
  17. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Yeah, he's just repeating his dad's cycle, but with PMO instead of alcohol. It's going to take a lot of work and willpower on his part to change things. Deep down he probably realizes this, but thinks that he has time to get ready. But he doesn't. If he isn't careful and doesn't work hard he's going to wake up and realize that he is worse than his dad ever was.

    That's the problem. I bet if you asked him he would say that he's trying to change, and that he's trying to get better for you and for the baby. But if you and the baby aren't there, then "who does it hurt"? That's the way that addicts think. It took me a long time, and a lot of reading on here and serious reflection before I finally accepted that I could only get better if I took ownership for my own recovery. Sure, it's good to be motivated by my wife and kids, but only when I decided that I wanted to get better for myself and my own sake did I start to really make progress.

    But the thing that worries me the most, honestly, is his bad habits with money. If you are married and having kids then he has to figure out how to be more financially unified with you. Otherwise this isn't going to work. That's not to say that he can't have his own money to do with as he pleases, but he has to take care of his wife and kid and household first. I really think that marriage counseling at this point is critical -things will only get worse without it.
     
  18. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea i totaly agree with you, sorting out the financial situation must be prioritised. I Think i was a bit naive and thought that he wouldnt take money that was suposed to go to the baby, even though i knew we had this issue.

    And just to complain a bit more it really starts to annoy me alot, i almost make 3 times the amount of money he does but usualy only got a few dollars every month to spend on my self.

    Im thinking about doing something basic for the moment, like having me in controll of the mayority of the money. If he wants something he has to ask me, something he should learn to do regardless of who of us that got the money. And then in the long therm do counseling when i get back
     
  19. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thought i would do a quick update on my way to work on an incident that have been bothering me. When i was home this weekend, i think it was on saturday i told my partner that i was horny. And it might seem a bit pushy but just hinting doesnt always work.

    Well anyway i was in the mood for sex or him playing with me, just some sort of sexual attention. Hes response to it was that i could bring the vibrator with me when i go back to work... I have never felt so rejected, like fine if he said that he wasnt in the mood. But the response you can take care of yourself was very hurtfull. And send signals like is he even atracted to me anymore?
     
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Need to vent some more, im so angry and sad...and frustrated that i cant be angry and upset becouse i han feel that it stresses the baby. But how the fuck do you stay calm?

    My mind keeps repeating vidoes and pornstar names that i had to see, the rejection i had to feel and the loss of financial stability. And i cant focus on things i normaly enjoy, like reading books while I travel to and from work. It makes my all ready long days feels like an eternity.

    And i feel like all my efforts have been pointless, like why should i live in another city for a better job when we still end up broke? Why should I spend money on a cozy weekend away when he either ignores me or is moody? Why should I bother at all?

    The question is still how do you manage to stay calm when you are heartbroken?
     

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