Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Your situation is understandable. I too wrestled with that. It’s like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Ask questions you’re noisy, don’t ask questions, you don’t care.
    It’s frustrating and confusing as all get out.
    I finally just did what was right for me.
     
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I dont have alot on my mind today, i worry as always. More now when im away and dont know things instantly like i would before. But the thought have he relapsed or will he is always in the back of my mind.

    I have also felt more lonely reasently, i have always feelt lonely when it comes to hes addiction. Both in the fact that he distanse himself and in the fact that i got no one to talk to about it. But now i got an added part where i feel lonely in my pregnancy. I got alot on my mind about all of it, lots of things i worry about and lots of things happening with me. And i really would want some support in all of it, becouse some days its alot to deal with. Like the days when everything hurt and you just feel fat to the days when I panic about what labour is gona be like. I need someone to lean on, but most of the time hes not there. And that makes me really sad.
     
  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i thought i would make a short update today. I have been stuck in a cloud of exhaustion the past couple of days, almost to the point where i have been falling asleep standing at work. Having the energy and motivation to keep going has been really hard but i need to do it.

    Not sure how things are going at home, i got some worries like always. Hes saying things are going fine, but that doesnt calm me. If anything it makes me worry more, things are never fine. He might stay away from porn but i know it isnt easy and problem free. So when he says its fine i feel like hes either lying to me or to himself.
     
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So I find the combination of being pregnant and my partners addiction a bit soul crushing. The last couple of weeks my body has changed alot, the baby bump has really started to show. And i both love and hate it, i love what it symbols. I am not however so happy about feeling like a fat whale.

    And seeing myself in the mirror last night when i was gona shower really sent me spiraling. How i didnt look like myself, how i didnt like my new body and how my partner prefers other women. I think i hit bottom when i was thinking about how he has to fantasise about those other women to stay hard when we have sex.

    That knowledge that he does that when hes active have been really hard to deal with. I feel like its not so much about us having sex as him Pmoing in another way. He shows zero interest in me and my body, he just want to get of and does that with me hur while thinking about porn. And i think he gets that its wrong, but not how mean and hurtfull it truely is. Otherwise he wouldnt do it.

    So yea to sum things up my selfesteem is really at a low point right now. And i know if i talked about it with my partner he would just say that im beutifull, but those words coming from him means nothing. I more find them insulting, you cant stop looking at perfect 18y olds but you want me to belive that i look beutifull...
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Its gona be hard not to whine today, i feel really misserable and lonely. So first of all pregnancy is really taking its toll on me, i feel heavy, tired and more or less everything hurt. Especially my feet that have swelled up like balloons. And its really hard to stay motivated with the long days I have with none or little time to rest.

    And adding to that i have started to have daily flashbacks and panic attacks, its almost unbelivable how much i havnt dealt with over the last years. Like my first d-day, i havnt really talked to anyone about it or dealt with it in any way. Even my partner and I havnt talked about it, partly i think cuse i still feel a bit ashamed about going trough his computer. And i know i shouldnt feel that way, but its still hard to shake after being yelled at so many times for doing it.

    And yea ill admit that i went trough all of it when i first found it, browser history, download history all of it. But what else do you do when you find out that almost all of the recomended pages in chrome is porn? All i did to start with was to start the browser to use the Internet.

    On the same subject i know that i should seek help, i know how to deal with ptsd since i have had it before. But i also know that its something you cant really do without help. But im to ashamed over my situation, how do i defend staying when things are the way they are? So i havnt told any of my friends or family, even though i know i would get support. And i cant bring myself to seek out a therapist. Im just so ashamed of what i have let my life become. Becouse he might be the one causing the pain, but im also letting him by staying.

    And in all of this im the one that really have to get up and to work tomorrow, since im the one supporting us. And it really breaks me to have that pressure on me on top of it all. A day of, some time to rest or just some time to rest my pregnant feet doesnt exsist. And i am truely exhausted to a breaking point.
     
  6. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    And of couse another relapse on top of things, feels like the only thing to do now is to crawl up into a ball and cry. Well as ball like as you can with a baby bump...
     
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i could write an essay about last night, all ready feeling like shit, a relapse and then a fight. Not about the relapse but about communication.

    I bought up the issue about him avoiding deeper conversations. Like he can ask how im feeling or how my day is, but if i respond with something like im exhausted or sad he doesnt follow up on that. I usually get something like oh honey, and when thats what i get every time it feels patronising and ignorant. Some of the times i accually want to talk about why im exhausted and what we can do to make it better.

    And i even tried a few days to take up an issue myself, my flashbacks. But in stead of accually talking about it he casually laughted it away.

    I strongly belive that any konversation that gets deep in any way scares him becouse he feels like hes gona get critisised. And he even take any conversation like that, like last night. My point the entire time wasnt to bash hon becouse he does it wrong. It was about me needing a deeper conversation, explaining why and how we could do it.

    But he instabtly turned defencive, bashing me for over an hour about everything i do wrong. And i tried telling him that if you are gona be defensive and just throw hurtfull words around im done talking. But he kept going, untill i said that you never know when you take things to far. Cuse at that point i was just crying and taking every bad word. And still at that point he had to end it with a well you do the same.

    And after all of that he wanted to talk about me and how im feeling. When im broken, and have taken a huge verbal beating while just laying on the ground defeted. So yea that wasnt gona happen. You cant brake someone completly and then show consern about how they are feeling. No chanse in hell that i will or can open up at that point.

    This morning i had a text saying i hope your feeling okey and that i didnt take things to far. And no im not, but since he didnt ask how im feeling or if he took things to far i cant really say anything without starting another fight. Stating that no im not ok and you took things to far is not going to go home well.

    And thats a pretty good way to shortly explain the lack of comunication between us. Instead of asking and listning he states fine words, but that at the same time shuts down all further conversation about the subject.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I feel like i have hitted some sort of crossroad, where i kinda have lost faith in my partners recovery and that we will ever have a normal and functional relationship. Alot have to do with him not really seeing the things that are missing.

    Like he thinks for an example that our sexlife is good in the periods he isnt pmoing. Well it is not, and its just not me having high demands its more due to the fact that its still very affected by pmo and is very centerd around him. Love and decire for my body is rare, its more about him pleasing himself.

    Another thing is that he got expectations about things beeing normal the short periods that he is sober. Like having sex or me being loving and caring. But he rarly stays sober for more then a week or two. And is heavily affected by hes addiction even when he isnt using, being cold, distant and moody. And i think no one can switch on and of like he expects me to, and its an insane thing to ask of someone to adapt to their addiction.

    And im not saying that im done and want to walk away, i more feel like adapting our life to the current situation instead of trying to reach something better. Becouse i know we are years away from that, if we even get there at all. But i know that me wanting to step back and set firm rules like no sex. Becouse i really dont want sex. Isnt gona go home, hes gona fight me hard on that like he always do. For some reason he wants me deep in the addiction, even though it hurts me as much as it does.
     
  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I read your last few posts and really feel your pain. This is such a difficult journey and hard to know what to work on first when there’s so many things to work on. But as they say you need to focus on “your” recovery primarily and him on his recovery. It’s easier said than done and eventually on the relationship recovery. You have betrayal trauma and it’s not something that can just be switched on or off and he sounds like he needs to learn about it too. If you don’t feel comfortable having sex because you feel like he’s just being selfish or sexualising you then don’t. You have every right to say no until you are ready and feeling comfortable. My husband did the 90 day hard PMO mode and while it was difficult for me at times because I wanted sex I think it definitely help him in learning to not sexualise me and just use me to satisfy his sexual needs and instead to be really with me and connect with me. He wanted to do the hard no PMO mode and the coursework that went with it because he felt he’d have a better chance at getting and staying clean and not so many relapses. I think it was well worth it even though at the time I felt like it was going to last an eternity. Our relationship has been absolutely fraught with communication problems like you mention, stemming from his addiction and emotional withdrawal, him avoiding any kind of deep talk, me being traumatised and feeling stonewalled by him constantly, all that sort of thing, so many arguments over everything . We are currently reading a book together, doing the activities in it, it’s Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. It’s all about understanding our attachment needs and Conversation 1 in it was a real help to both of us in discovering our negative communication patterns, how we get stuck in them and how to stop it. It’s a great book so far and we are learning a lot. This is a difficult and long healing / growing journey to be on...make sure you take care of you and always put your own needs and healing first!
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    My life is really starting to fall apart now, and im lacking the strenght to deal with it becouse how the fuck do you get up from here?

    My partner keeps spending money that he doesnt have, and im stuck trying to deal with the situation. Things have gone to the point where debt collectors have started to call me. And no matter how much i work, or what job i take i cant make ends meet.

    And the resent relapse wasnt just a one day thing, it was several days including last weekend when i was home. Followed by another relapse he didnt tell me about just a few days ago. I feel like hes using honesty as a new way to lie, like i tell you this little bit so you dont look at all the other things over here.

    And i feel like the resent discovery somehow broke me, i cant cope, i cant deal. I more or less cant function. And as i said before i have no idea how to pick myself up from here. How could the two of us make this work at all? And i dont see how i could walk away either. I feel like im all out of options.

    And in all of that i got a child on the way that i need to protect from all of this, and support and care for.
     
  11. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I’m so sorry. This is just horrible what you are going through. Somehow you need to put you and your baby first. You need rest and relaxation during your pregnancy and your husband/partner should be doing everything he can to support you, not adding more stress. Do you have any family or friends that could help you sort out options of leaving or having him leave if things continue this way. He sounds like he is relapsing way too often. Is he getting enough outside support / help from a therapist , or addiction groups etc? I really feel for you and hope things improve somehow...how far along in the pregnancy are you?
     
  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    The part of not adding more stress doesnt seem to really get trough, i have tried explaining what stress can do to me and the baby but we still end up in the same situations all the time.

    As far as outside support for him he mostly rejects it, no matter if it is from hes family or from a therapist. In some periods he says that he needs one, only to change his mind a few days later. And i have sort of giving up on pushing him in that direction.

    She is due in the beggining of November, so im about 6 months pregnant.

    And the part about leaving that scares me the most is that i cant do it alone, things have gone to far for me to sort it out myself. So if o decide to do that i would have to reach out to my mom, and im to ashamed to do that. I would more or less die rather then admitting what i have been trough, its ofc something i dont litterary mean. But i feel shame to that point, even thought i shouldnt i cant bring myself out of that.
     
  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I got some thoughts from a talk me and my partner had last night. First of all we got stuck in a discussion about what it means to want to get sober.

    He says that he feels that he genuinly wants it, and tries to. But i feel like relapsing ever other week and still have a huge problem with lies says something different. And i have tried to really state that at this point im not wanting him to get clean in the first step, i want him to be honest. I feel like that is the first big step in making a change.

    He says that lying is a part of the addiction and something he cant controll, and that i got high expectations. But no matter how hard it is you cant have a function relationship based on lies.

    Another issue i got is the idea of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting it to work. If it has been two years without any change in progress maybe its time to try something else. Like seeking help, get rid of the computer, do anything. But apperently im wrong in this aswell, i have read to much on here and expect him to be the same as everyone else.

    Lastly one thing that really pissed me of is when he asked how i idealy would want things to be. And i said that i wanted us to be able to sit down for say 30 minutes every night and honestly talk about things, hes addiction how im feeling etc. And he instantly said, oh then we can talk about things that botter me like me doing most of the housework. And first of all being the single provider of the household i feel like he should do most of the work around the house. But what mainly pissed me of was that of all thing that are wrong here thats what he wants to talk about. Not about hes addiction being out of controll, or how im severly depressed, no we should talk about who of us should do the dishes.

    Overall he wants things to stay the way they are, in this grey area of half lies and half truths where he still tries to sneak by me to pmo. And i feel like as long as that is the case the only thing i can do is either step away from the addiction or walk away from the relationship completly. I cant live with it in my face, and the only thing i can do then is to just let it be. One way or the other.
     
  14. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Hi Amaterasus
    Your partner doesn't seem to be taking recovery seriously if he's rejecting outside support. This most likely explains all the relapses. Unfortunately he has to really want recovery for it to work for him. I'm sure you already know all this. The taking & spending money that you don't have seems like another serious issue all together. I'm so sorry you are going through all this, there's nothing worse when you are about to bring a new life into this world.

    I can only imagine how scared you'd feel about leaving. I was the same when my three children were younger. When I first discovered his PA they were aged 7, 9 and 11. I too was terrified, especially how we'd survive financially and raising children alone was never a part of my plans and I had the same feelings / thoughts that I wouldn't be able to cope. It's such a difficult situation. I was all alone as well with no family in my state so felt very isolated.

    I don't know what your relationship is like with your mum, but if you have a good relationship, then you really should reach out to her. She is your mum and if things are good between you, she would want to do all she can to help you. What are you ashamed of? You have nothing to be ashamed of. None of this is your fault. How were you supposed to know? You did what most SO's do, fell in love and then once the PA all came out, you tried to work through it, support him to deal with it. We've all been there and there's nothing you could of done to make any of it work out differently. I felt a lot of shame too but in the end I reached out and was honest with my mum and it was the best thing I ever did. She was very supportive. She didn't really understand it, but she loved me and wanted to be there for me in anyway possible. If nothing else, I at least didn't feel alone anymore and had her to confide in. I would seriously consider reaching out to her if you can.

    If he doesn't get better, things aren't going to get any easier when the baby comes. Pregnancy is exhausting but nothing in comparison to once the baby arrives, the long days and sleeplessness nights alone are exhausting. A counsellor once said to me "Why do you think you wouldn't cope on your own? What you're dealing with at home, the trauma, the betrayal, how long it's gone on for etc.... is by far, much more mentally and emotionally exhausting than what you could ever experience being on your own. And she was right all those years ago. But we have so much FEAR and that's what we need to embrace and confront and deal with in order to overcome it.

    I think you should definitely start thinking about and making plans, so you at least have an exit plan for you and your bub, if you so decide to leave in the future. You would certainly feel better knowing that you have some kind of plan to fall back on if need be.

    Take care, and make sure you get plenty of rest when you can. Thinking of you!
     
  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    We talked again last night, and i still feel like he doesnt get what it takes to get sober. Like the amount of work and changes you have to do to truely change yourself. Just not doing something isnt gona work in the long run if you dont work on whats causing the issue and find other coping mechanisms. But i guess its something he has to figure out himself since me telling him that isnt enough.

    We also talked about porn and how it can be seen as cheating, something he have never agreed to before. But since he got a thing for amatures and camgirls, i feel like hes walking a thin line. Right now he doesnt watch live streams, but he should know like me that it isnt so far away when it is what he prefers. Some day just watching a recording wont be enough, and i feel like watching and chatting with someone live is cleary in the cheating zone.

    And i know that it might be easy for me to say that it wouldnt hurt as much if he watched like big title things, when it isnt so personal or intimate. I know it might aswell just be as hard, but it doesnt feel that way right now at least.

    I have had some mayor issues with panic attacks and painfull memories the last couple of days. Best way to describe it is that it is like a movie with all the things i have seen over the years playing over and over again in my head. And it feels like torture that i cant stop, and it is exhausting to cope with.
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So it have been some time since my last post, i have had a major exhaustion period again. And i think its connected to the trauma of it all, when the first chock settles i usualy get exhausted and lack energy for a couple of days.

    Since last time he have had two more relapses... one on sunday and one two days ago. And with no proper communication about it.

    I have expressed a wish to take a step back, when he neither can make it more then a few days between the relapses or have a proper communication about it i feel like its too intence. Like i feel a bit like you do you and ill do me, i want my life to be more then just this mess.

    But me wanting that is aparently relationship ower according to him. And things will be harder for him, and he will feel worse etc. And i feel like what the hell is the huge difference? He sits at the computer all the time and relapses ever other day no mather if im imvolved or not. So why cant i just take a break from having it all in my face?

    He wants to do the same thing as always, with promisses about talking every day and working on the issues. But the thing is that is a commitment, and not something you can do the days it fits you. Something he doesnt seem to get. He might be able to walk in and out of the relationship, but im not. So when he decided to step away and not do hes part im left alone, sitting in the livingroom with anxiety.

    Another argument he uses for me staying involved is that otherwise it will be on me that he is betraying me, since i steped away and said it was okey. But i feel like its more on my expence with how things are now, since he makes a promise and a commitment to me that he constantly breaks. Becouse no matter how many times he have failed me there is still some amount of hope, that he crushes every time.

    And since i dont know how much more i can take i really feel like i need to step back. Becouse i want to at least try to give my child the chanse to live with both her parents.
     
  17. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So we had a pretty huge fight today, starting with the resent relapses and my wish to exclude myself from the addiction. But the fight itself mainly focused on change, and how we view it i guess.

    I started saying that i expected more from someone who wants to change, relapsing as often as he does doesnt seem normal for someone who want to change. And i know it is a bit harsh, but as i have said before he does the same thing over and over again and expect things to work this time around. With doing the same thing i more or less means that he does nothing, just tries to stay away from porn with willpower.

    And i dont know if he genuinly belives that it will be enough, or if he simply isnt ready for change. But i know that it takes so much more if you want to be better, to have a better life.

    Hes reply to this is that im expecting what he calls "a movie moment". Where he does this grand gesture i guess to change. And a bit less dramatic i think that is more or less what it takes. You need to seek help, work on yourself and on the relationship. Nothing is gona happen by itself. But then i am expecting to much.

    The over all feeling i got from the conversation is that i cant make any demands or have any expectations. One example is that we talked about him seeking a job, he got one but it pays so little that we are more or less dependent on my salery that its not working in the long run. But anyway, he said that its not that hes ignoring doing it. Its him not thinking about it at all, so its hard for him to do. So i said, all right but put an alarm on your phone like two days a week to remind yourself. But no, he doesnt work like me and wouldnt do that becouse he is not as high functional as me.

    And im left feeling wtf? I get that it can be hard to remember, even if i find it a bit ridiculus. But how can setting an alarm be to much to ask for? And seriusly why does everything has to be a fight? Why cant change at some level be possible without me fighting to the point of exhaustion be possible?
     
  18. MuzzyTheArab

    MuzzyTheArab Fapstronaut

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    So you and your girl are doing nofap together?
     
  19. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    No since this is the significant other part of nofap i am a partner of an addict
     
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So another week and another relapse for my partner. The thing about this one is that just moments before he texted me and asked if i could talk i had this feeling about not wanting to deal with it. Like always i know before he tells me, and thats a bit insane when we currently dont live in the same part of the country. But like some kind of relapse reading master i always know, even the days when we only communicate trough text.

    And i know i should be happy that he was honest for once, even though i suspect that he isnt done with this relapse and wont be honest about that part. But anyway, im not happy. I just have that strong feeling about not wanting to deal with it. Simply put i cant do it.

    And i have alot of questions regarding my feelings, mostly about if there is any meaning with him being honest. Does it do any good for either of us when he is honest but still relapses every week? Wont that just be unnessesary pain?

    Another fear is that he will get comfortable with the situation, like if im honest i can keep going without consequenses. She wont be as mad when she doesnt have to find it herself etc. Or is this just me worrying without reason?

    The big question is still though if there is any point mainly for me to be involved in hes struggle. I know he wants me involved but that is for kind of selfish reasons from hes side. Wouldnt it be better perhaps if i stayed out of things untill he reaches a certain goal, like 3 weeks or a month? Becuse i cant do this every week, its to exhausting. I know tho that suggesting something like that will not be taken well by him. Its a bit mean to say but he has a destructive way of holding on to me. Like giving me any space or room in all of this is the last thing he wants. I just wish that he would understand that holding someone that hard just pushes them away.
     

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