Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

@MovingForward86. Awesome that you and your family had such a lovely weekend together. I also can very much relate to what you're noticing about your prior behavior and how your children reacted. Not to be a debbie downer, but from what I remember from the beginnings of my recovery this past fall, you're at a very important part of your recovery. I ran a big high for the first month and then the high wore off and it was "then what". Strategies and almost a to do list everyday helped me b/c my recovery needed to become somewhat methodical after the high wore off. Make a list, check the box after you hug and tell each child how much you love them everyday. Text your SO every day in the middle of the day to just say hi...thinking about you. I'm trying not to preach, b/c I'm sure you're doing so much for yourself and your family. I just remember coming off the high and then needing to really focus everyday on the blocking and tackling. Keep it up.

 

@BeeYourself. I appreciate the advice. I have already been working on a to do list based on the advice of another on this thread. But that list is more of a chore list to keep me busy when I am feeling weak. I did not think to have a separate list for the more important things like being sure my focus remains where it should. I will definitely keep that in mind. Being prepared based on the experience of others is a huge reason why I read these threads and get on NoFap everyday. Others just like you have experienced this and are willing to share knowledge and even mistakes that can help others following the same path. Thank you for the great tips.

 

My wife had a bad day today. She still goes up and down with this. Little things here and there remind her of how much I let her down. She feels like I fell out of love with her at some point and I think that is one of the things that hurts her the most. I know that I loved her even in the darkest time. I was just so numb to everything and clouded that it was showing through. I'm not upset with her that she feels that way because that is how it must have seemed. I just feel like an A hole and it kills me that she feels that way. My stomach is in knots because I just want so badly for her to know how sorry I am. But that will just have to come slowly over time.I hate that I did this to her and my family and am willing to do whatever it takes. I just hate that we have to hurt so much to get there.

 

@MovingFoward86. Right there with you. My SO and I have had some major ups and downs over the last 4+ months. Sure I have triggers but her triggers are everywhere to. They can't get into and see what is in our minds. Facebook = Trigger, any social media = trigger, TV, radio, etc. = triggers. We had a very emotional couples therapy session yesterday...many tears. Accepting and getting to a point where the SO will feel this really has nothing to do with her will be a long journey for all our SOs. Therapy and the SO on NoFAP really help. Is your SO on the site?

 

@BeeYourself Thanks, It helps to know i'm not alone here. My SO gets on the site from time to time to read posts but she has not joined and does not post. She definitely gets emotional about what might trigger me even with things that weren't triggers. We have been doing our own therapy. We talk every night about what we were feeling. She even writes letters to me when she is feeling upset and reads them to me at night. She also reads me letters when she had good days as well so that helps. She has never been very comfortable with therapy and honestly neither have. I had some terrible experiences with therapists when I was younger and shared those experiences with her earlier in our relationship. I don't know if we will ever get to the point where we will see a therapist but for now what we are doing seems to help. Today actually marks 30 days from when she caught me this last time. And also marks 30 days since my last PMO.
It has been a tough 30 days but totally worth it. I feel like a different person but I know that it will take a lot longer than that for her wounds to heal, that is if they ever do. It is very touch and go right now but I am willing to do what it takes to prove I love her and that I am becoming the man I should have been all along.

 

@MovingFoward86. Keep up the good work. It is so hard. One question I have for you, and it has to do with your phrase "Today actually marks 30 days from when she caught me this last time...". One thing I feel strongly about is that you must be doing this not b/c you got caught but b/c you want your life back. You want to live again. You are worth it. Yes, your SO is also so important to all this, for sure. I spend a lot of time now telling myself that "I'm worth it". Yes, you're worth it.

 

@BeeYourself. The phrase"from when she caught me" is simply to mark that it has been 30 days from that day. I am doing this for myself as well as for my family. I do understand that doing this just for her would make it very difficult to be successful. It wasn't until a couple of days after that day that I really began to understand that I truly have a problem with PMO. This is why my counter reflects a different day than my 30 count. I have been PMO free a bit longer than the counter but it was not until I admitted that I have a problem that I started the counter. I had no idea just how much of my life was effected and I owe much of the credit to my SO for introducing me to NoFap. I am not doing this because of guilt, I am doing this because I want to be the man that deserves the kind of woman my SO is. I do appreciate you bringing the phrase up as I too have noticed a few on this site that seem to be doing it for the wrong reasons and are constantly relapsing. I believe that the only way to successfully reboot is to do it first and foremost for yourself.

 

Had a great day today. I applied for two positions at work. One is a lateral move but I would be training other representatives. This would look great on my resume. The other position is a promotion and has a lot more competition. I am excited about these opportunities and would be very happy with either one. After over 30 days without PMO I have the confidence to give it my all and hope to report my new position soon.

 

Valentines day. I thought I had a pretty decent plan. Got a couple of gifts. Made a card that I actually gave to her yesterday instead of today. The card didn't turn out as Valentines day themed as I planned. I thought I was putting some effort but it was not received that well. I understand why though. Years of distrust added up and caused a riff. Had it not been for the PMO my gestures would have gone over differently. I just hope I get another shot next year.

 

You're a good man MovingFoward86. Good job giving and having the empathy to understand your wife's feelings.

 

@BeeYourself. Thank you. Its really easy for me to get down on myself.My wife used to be the one to build me up. Now I need to be the strong one. I know I can.

 

I feel like things with my SO and I have been good the last couple of days. We had a real bad day about mid last week followed by a good long talk. She says she is not sure if the talks actually help her. She says she can tell I am telling the truth because what I tell her hurts. I think the talks help me more than they help her but the honesty seems to go a long way with both of us. I am just happy to report that everyday I am feeling better and better and am looking to start an exercise regimen to get into better shape. I hear it does wonders so I am willing to try it.

 

This is exactly how I felt. Every memory I had with him, was now tainted. I felt like I did not know him at all. I did not know who the real him was, what was fake? I mean if I could miss this what else did I miss? This is common in betryal trauma recovery.

 

The reason she feels that way is not because you chose PMO over her, it’s the betryal. When someone you trust lies to you and does it for a very long time it makes you question your ability to trust, not just that person but everyone. So we don’t know what was real and what was not.

 

Not the same, not even close to it.

 

Are you finding healing after the break up?

 

I don't think we as PMO addicts have a right to say anything to defend out actions. I agree that all the good we did should not be forgotten but it is something we are going to have to fight to earn back. The amount of doubt we cast over the memories of our SO's is overwhelming. Nothing seems real anymore. I can not bring up any memory with out seeing my SO think "Was he fapping right after?" I feel terrible about everything I did and will do everything in my power to earn my SO's trust back. I can only hope she will eventually remember some good that I did once she is able to start healing.

 

@TryingHard2Change. I definitely agree with the necessity of making new memories. Relying on your old happy memories to revive your marriage will most likely end in failure. I saw a comment above mentioning that just because we as PMO addicts did something terrible, that the terrible act does not negate the good we did before. The way I see it is we tainted those good memories and it will take time for our SO's to see the good in the past again. I don't think the past is where are success is. In my past I was liar. Lying to my SO and to myself. The me in the future is the man that will overcome his weakness and prove to his SO that he is worth forgiveness.

 

I just started a thread ( a woman opinion) I'm in the same boat aside I have a few more children. Had 30 years of addiction four month ago I started in a (SA) group at church has been help full as has this site. By bringing all my crap to the light i've had the most heal. Feeling like I my lost a battle but now I feel like I can actually win the war. Really working hard to trust my wife. I'm sure she's trying to trust me as to my lying over the year. Always telling my self it wasn't cheating not bring any std's home. I have so much to say i'll leave with this never going bad to that old man.