Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

Had one of those "difficult conversations". At least I was totally honest. This stuff still triggers me, however. Bluntly, it makes me want to look at porn. Good gracious. I'm not going to do it, but it is flashing for me quite a bit. A part of my brain that is incredibly used to this activity says "yeah!". Kind of sad, actually.
On the plus side, we are still talking and having genuine conversations, and I am not holding back. So that is something. And she is still being reasonably loving with me. That is a lot.
Hope everyone is doing well.

 

Ugh. Sometimes having to keep saying "no" to the p and m gets old. Not that I expect anything different, considering I spent most of my life doing it, particularly m. I could not begin to figure up the hours I wasted. Oh well.

My wife and I are splitting our finances. This is probably a good thing, but it is scary to me. It some ways, it feels like a slow motion divorce, although she says that is not the case.

I have been in a foul mood yesterday, and starting this morning too. This is accompanied by the usual promptings to "feel better, masturbate!" which I decline. For me, it is like climbing into a hole and not participating with the world. And as past history shows, I can stay there a LONG time. Wow. I suppose it feels like anesthetizing myself, so I don't feel what is going on. It also is very much part of going into victim mode, if you are familiar with the drama triangle. So I don't want to do it, because I would rather live with my head up than just fade into isolation.

 

@Determined_to_Succeed.

Stay strong and keep having the conversations. There will probably be a time soon when you are not going to know what else to say. You wont be able to think of any more terrible things that you did. That is the point when my SO started asking me really specific questions. I answered them truthfully and some times in led to several bad day. But in the end the truth is the most important thing. I am sorry to hear that your feeling like she is moving apart from you, i do not have much advice in reference to that. I am relativity new to this. 60 days on my counter today in my first real reboot but I feel completely different. Getting here took a lot of support from my SO as well as NoFap. We are here for each other. Stay strong and stay honest.

 

Sometimes I think I would really rather her not ask me specific questions, but if it comes to pass, I will answer them honestly.

 

Honesty is the best thing. Think about it this way. If we would have been honest with them about what we were thinking and how we felt, then we never would have put ourselves in this place we are at now. Answering the hard questions is what will help us become better men. Even if they end up leaving us we have to remain truthful with ourselves.

 

I have trust issues. I had a loved one die on me when I was a child, and worked to get over it, but it still comes up when loved one is sick. My wife had one of her intense pain episodes, physical pain, and it triggered me big time. That night I chose to use images in my head to masturbate. Ugh.
I have to admit, one of the worst things is that even toward the end of my 26 days, I was very unhappy. Now I also have to admit, I like to think I am a happy person, but it simply isn't true. Most of time I am either sad or angry. I DO smile and laugh too, however. Ugh. Anyway, I relapsed, and bluntly, am still into it.

 

@Determined_to_Succeed. I am sorry to hear you are having a rough go. But the anger an the unhappiness are something I felt early on as well. Having a routine really helped. Do you have a routine you follow or a list of things you can do when you feel urges coming on? I made a list of like 20 small things to do around the house to keep help me out.

 

I am starting a new job on Friday, so maybe that will help me get into the routine needed. The urges are so continuous, that I couldn't really do something each time. I have to deal with the triggers, which are not porn, they are being upset about non-sex related or porn related things. They are when I get upset, particularly when my wife's fibromyalgia flares up. So I went back to masturbation first, and like a true addict, it just slid down from there. Crap.

 

Congrats on the new job. In my experience something new to focus on can definitely help. As for the continues urges, I have definitely been there, staying busy helps. Find an activity that you can do where ever you are. I just throw myself into work or find a co worker to have a conversation with. I know the urges seem over whelming so you need to work to overwhelm the urges. It is not easy and it is going to be a while before you feel like you have any control but it will come with time. As for your biggest trigger, all I can say is abandoning her in a time when she is in pain is definitely going to keep you in a low point, in your eyes as well as hers. When I feel low because my SO is upset or having a hard time I try to be there for her. If I can't be there for her I do something constructive like the dishes or fold clothes, something to show that I am thinking about her or the family instead of just myself. I know these things are easier said then done and I know it can feel impossible. That's what addiction is, it is a monster that seems to be impossible to beat. But with support and hard work you can overcome this. Your not alone, we are here for you.

 

@Determined_to_Succeed

I hope you are doing well in your new role. Has a new routine been helping? I know sometimes a new job can be stressful and stress was one of my triggers. I hope you are experiencing success.