Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

Another day down. Wife was reminded of a time a lied to her about something unrelated other than the fact that I lied. It was way back before we were married when we first started dating. She told me it feels like the lies started when we met and have not stopped. I suppose this roller coaster ride of ups and downs is going to last a while. But I will endure it and learn from it. I will show her that I will become a different man. I am determined to better myself and will not let this detour me from my goal.

 

Sounds like we are close in age and have similar backgrounds. I love the thoughts you have shared here. Being open is my biggest challenge. Spent 28 years building mental mechanisms to not be open. But it’s something I have worked on and continue to improve upon.

 

That is exactly the right mentality. It is a roller coaster ride. Its going to be frequent ups and downs for quite awhile. Embrace it. Amor Fati. Remind yourself everyday how fortunate you are that she has not left. Don’t wish for things to be better or easier, or use the future as an escape fantasy. Embrace each day. Embrace your wife’s emotions. As things improve, create new memories. Your doing awesome.

 

I am 5 days in now, and despite the overwhelming shock this has caused both of us, I feel like my fiancé and I are doing well. That being said, tonight we did hit a bump- one that I should have seen coming... involving trust. I know I have completely broken hers. Accountability software was my idea, and we've installed it. However, I use an iphone and the software I am using is not particularly compatible…i.e. it is very easy to circumvent… I didn't do enough research before pulling the trigger and went for a less expensive option. The solution of this will be to provide access to my cellular account so my fiancé can implement 'parental controls' on our internet service. I didn't handle the conversation the way I should have. A level of anxiety kicked in… not about her discovering anything on my phone (I've never used it for PMO), but more I think because it was a gut-punch reminder of how broken her trust is with me. I need to be handled like a child. My initial reaction was to remind her that there will always be ways around any sort of blockade we try and throw up. This of course immediately caused her to fear that I am attempting to hide something from her… a perfectly understandable reaction to someone who you know has deceived you. All of that being said, we DID talk it through, and I think w're OK. This will not be the last bump that we encounter, I'm sure. But with any luck the road ahead will be relatively smooth… and that entirely depends on me.
I feel good, though. Normally at this time of night, I would probably be in the middle of PMO. But tonight, I am updating my journal and continuing on the path to recovery.

 

Another day. Work was good. Got put on a project that I feel will pull my focus. But my wife is struggling with this. I am trying to earn trust everyday by being honest about how i feel but i am afraid it is still not enough. This scares the hell out of me. How can I be there for her when I am the reason she is feeling the way that she is? I am just trying to embrace the fact that I am taking responsibility for my actions but it is hard not to be overcome with guilt. I am trying to ocus on the love I have for my wife and kids and strive to be the father and husband they deserve.

 

I know how you feel. We’ve just started this journey. My fiancé is of course destroyed and her trust in me is ruined. I know it’s going to take time to repair... healing will come in time.

 

I am going to reccomend you see a male therapist (generally a certified counselor who specializes in recovery from sexual abuse, including PA). Not because you are incapable or are doing anything wrong, but because its going to be really hard on your fiancé to feel like she has to manage her own emotions right now as well as treat you like a child and oversee your recovery. It will make it harder for her to respect you as well long term. I would reccomend you occasionally do sessions with the counselor and both of you so he can help her understand how to help her help you as well as rebuild the broken pieces of her own heart. This is a hard journey to face alone. Some professional help who has assisted countless others through this same journey goes a long way. It can help settle fears, calm emotions, and give you both some sense of control again.

 

Guilt and shame is the hardest part for me as well. There are many days I quietly suffer over shame and guilt and have this nagging voice of contempt. Men particularly struggle with shame because from a young age we are conditioned to not be overly expressive. Despite the modern attempts to emasculate men, I believe its best for men to both understand how to quietly and privately process their emotions by themselves most of the time and learn how to deal with feelings of shame. An SO is somebody you can be vulnerable with, but its hard right now because you caused the pain she is facing (I’m in the exact same boat). As with all of life, the magic pill to success is to do all the right things each day, and embrace the grind for a long ass time.

 

Thanks- I actually started seeing a therapist earlier this week!

 

Awesome. Its a gift. It will help.

 

I know it is still early on in this journey but seeing that I am nit alone is very helpful. I also just blown away at how supportive my SO has been so far. She of course has her moments when she spits fire at me (you better believe she knows how to burn me) of course she is entitled to do so considering I am the reason she feels she needs to express herself in that way. But at the same time she is pointing me in the right direction and even watching videos about how to recover from pron use with me. I have read many posts from men who have lost their families and loved ones from porn use and am thankful everyday that she and my kids are still here.

 

My spouse is the same. Women are incredibly loyal. We are both fortunate to have amazing spouses!

 

Without my SO, I know I couldn’t do this. She is my rock.

 

I am feeling very strong today. Today has probably been the most difficult so far when it comes to urges. I kept getting erections and the urge to fap them away but was able to overcome distract myself and let it pass. I am trying to keep to a bit of a schedule with things to make sure that I don't have too much down time. Having three kids helps with that. Not much time to myself. My son's birthday is tomorrow so the weekend has been about that. We got all his gifts and decorated the house with streamers and balloons. When he wakes up in the morning he will see all the decorations and one of his gifts sitting in the dining room ready to be unwrapped. I am very excited. I found myself wanting to buy him everything I saw. I think my guilt may have had something to do with it. But even though I was able to keep from breaking the bank he still ended up with several gifts. I am happy to have so many good days in the beginning of this, it seems to be able to help. And as said by RecoveringLion and PaleAle76, our SO's are the glue keeping us from falling apart. I am thankful everyday for my wife and will spend the rest of my days making this up to her and being the man she deserves.

 

Today was a day full of good news. I am hoping this trend continues. Or at least that my optimism will. My wife is looking at me much differently than she was last week. I think she can see how seriously I am taking this. This time is nothing like the other times. I have never taken any steps towards stopping my PMO addiction other than just saying that I can stop. This time I have taken steps. Started routines and am already focusing on what I want in the future and working toward that goal.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel!

 

Another day and no PMO. I have set myself up with my distractions, as they say "Idle hands are the Devils playground."
I'm not religious but its a good saying no matter your beliefs. And it is certainly true for us Fapstronauts. Tomorrow I find out if our next addition to our family is a boy or a girl. I am super excited about it and this pregnancy which will make four children. I do feel though that my struggles with PMO coming to light at this time are very inopportune. Of course i am glad that i can now be honest with my wife I am just upset with my self for not coming to terms with things sooner so there would not be this dark cloud surrounding this moment. All in all I will choose to look toward the future and all it holds.

 

Yes. Openness does not at all come naturally to me. But, like they say in 5 Love Languages, Love is a choice. And, we all have the power to love someone in their language that is not our own. It’s hard. I remind myself often that change is slow. Painfully slow sometimes. Need to fight the feeling of failure. Celebrate the small successes. I think I felt like a failure a dozen times today. But, I’m training to fight the retreat flight feeling. Bootstrap it!

 

I found out I am having a girl! That makes 3 girls and one boy. I was pretty sure this one was also going to be a girl so I wasn't too surprised but I am definitely excited. Had a pretty good day today except for a couple of issue that I wouldn't even call urges, I was able to ignore them pretty easily. All my focus was on the wife and baby today. There was an incident later in the day that hurt. My wife was napping or trying to nap rather. Shortly after I left the bedroom she also came out saying she could not sleep. Apparently because she was worried that being alone would trigger me to PM. That in itself wasn't a big deal but later on she accused me of visiting a porn site. I can't blame her for being suspicious but it really hurt. I feel like I have been doing so well and to have her standing there asking me...it was difficult not to take it personally. On the other hand I am glad she brought it up instead of letting it fester. I don't know if she believes me or not but at least I know what she is thinking. At this point we have agreed on complete honesty. If one of us are feeling something than we share it. Bottom line is that I tell her thing that are hard to say and she tells me things that are hard to hear. I think it will strengthen our relationship in the end. That is how I feel about it anyway.

 

I am 48 year old man and just started on this site today after realizing I have an issue with porn which I suppose if I'm totally honest I've had for years, want to get a grip of it now before my wife finds out as we have only been married for 6 months and known each other for 18 months. My behavior with porn is disturbing me as sometimes I'll do it in work as well as hotels when I go away on business, my wife doesn't know but I want to abstain from PM and hopefully have a better sexual relationship with her without thinking thoughts of porn when making love etc.

Hope this makes sense to a few of you out there and after any advice if someone has gone through something similar.