Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

Hey Man, I know exactly how you feel. I would like to offer you some advice about what to expect and some pro-tips on handling it. Know that EVERYTHING I am saying here is coming from personal experience in near identical circumstances. this is a long post, but its everything I had to learn the hard way.

1. Trying to change your wife’s mind about the history of your marriage is a poor use of your energy. You wont win. The reality is we choose porn over our wives. We betrayed them. We have been living in lies and secrets for as long as we have watched porn during our marriage. Its really important to be careful about trying to do too much damage control in terms of our wife’s emotions around this. This extends to all the times we got carried away at looking at other women in real life, fantasized and/or masterbated to the thought of other women either real or from the internet, even if not pornographic. Etc. The best possible thing you can do is sack up like a man and own it. Own the pain you caused her. Own the fact that this is your fault. Own the fact that she feels like your relationship is tainted. Own the fact that she feels betrayed and like she doesn’t know you anymore. Own it. Because if we had had our shit together, none of this would have happened. A Mans job is to be a hedge for his family. A source of stability, provision, support and safety. We failed in that role when we lost our way with lust. It DOES NOT MEAN THE STORY IS OVER, but it means we have to start getting out shit together.

Also, in her heart, this is about as painful as if you slept with another woman. Don’t argue with her on this. Own the pain that you caused her. No matter how ridiculous or illogical it feels.

2. Get professional support. There are lots of great counselors out there. This individual can work with you two together and individually to work through the journey to recovery both in the damage porn does to the mans mind, but also it does to the trust, the intimacy, and every other facet of your life it touches. Don’t be ashamed of having a counselor. Look, if you saw me in person, you would not think I am the type who would be seeing a counselor, but its important to have professional grade help if your marriage and family is your top priority. I reccomend you find a male counselor who specializes in recovery from sexual abuse and pornography addiction (meaning the same as drug abuse. We abused ourselves sexually PMO). Many times they will reccomend you work with them and have one “full reveal” session where you confess everything to your wife, in the counseling session, in one shot. That way it all comes out, you both can then begin the healing process. We didnt do this, it was a huge mistake. One painful rip of the bandaid is better than slow continual torture to your wife.

3. Your marriage is dead. The way things were are dead forever. There is no going back. You need to take the iniative and the lead the charge of healing, and then work to create the new, and improved normal for your family life. She may or may not be receptive to this initially, but long term it will help her feel safe with you. You are going to need to fight the urge to fall into the depths of shame, self-hatred, depression, etc. This only makes things worse. So yeah, we done fucked up....but we are men, and we can pick ourselves up and start fighting for our families again. Realize that your mission from now on is to live your life from a standard or purity, transparency and honor that your family will always feel safe with you as the patriarch. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO ACCOMPLISH THIS. If it means checking in with your wife several times a day so she knows you are thinking of her. Do it. If it means keeping a beautiful picture of her on your phone screen, do it. Let her be involved in this. She needs to know that you are thinking of her, putting her first, and keeping your shit together.

4. Family. My Family made this problem 10x worse. I dont know yours. They might help, they might not. Proceed with caution, make sure you two are on the same page. I personally believe it is best NOT to get family involved. Parents/In-laws are naturally biased. If you do decide to get involved, talk to her parents at some point. Admit your mistakes, talk about all your doing to move forward, apologize, and move on. Then get back to letting them see you make their daughter happy.

5. This is the most important step. I had to learn this, and every man struggling with this needs to learn it. Ready?

BE A MAN, AND LEAD YOUR FAMILY. That means learn to control your emotions. Don’t get all depressed and frustrated and anxious. Lead. Let her see you improving, and doing the right things to get better. Orient yourself to the highest and most pure possible good for yourself and your family, and live it out every single day. Fight for your family. Fight for your own heart. Pick up your sword and bravely keep your own heart intact with all vigilance and keep your eyes forward. WHen your wife is hurting, dont argue, just listen, tell her you love her, reinforce what she is feeling, take ownership. Its going to be difficult for your wife to be a source of support to you right now, so find that support in good quality friends, therapy, message boards like this, etc. Men are born for conflict and war. Its in our bones, so take the war to the forces that would seek to destroy you, and choose victory. You can do it. I believe in you. I dont know you, but I know that as a fellow man, you are inherently capable. Go forth and conquer.

Some resources.
Google “Good Jocko Willink” its a short motivational video that you need to watch everyday. He has one called “Sisyphus” as well.

—Secular resources—-
- Listen to Jocko Willink’s podcast.
- Listen to Jordan B Peterson’s podcast, especially his lecture series on the psychological significance of the Bible. Its not spiritual or Christian oriented, it takes it from a humanities/psychological/philosophical perspective and its fascinating.

—-Faith based resources—-
- If you are a Christian, watch the movie “The Heart of Man.” Its a one hour documentary, powerful stuff.
- Also if you are a Christian, check out Dan Allendars content. He has some great videos to help you navigate your mind and heart in all this.

 

Thanks RecoveringLion,

A lot of what you described with your experiences are very similar to what is happening in mt life right now.
My wife does feel like I had an affair every time I watched porn and at first I did blow her off and tried to defend my actions. I have since then realized it really does matter how I feel about it. If she feel betrayed and cheated on then that is exactly what I did. I have been very honest with my wife since I have come to realize the true effects of my actions. I told her how long I have been watching porn and that this goes back to when I was very young. I also told her about the more difficult things like the fantasies and how i would touch myself while she was asleep next to me. These things bothered her a lot but at the same time it seemed help show her that this time is different. I have accepted where I am and am vowing to be a different and better man. I very much appreciate you sharing your experience with me and will take it to heart. I am finding much support on NoFap and am already finding that when I am feeling triggered visiting these forums and reading about how others are struggling as i am is very helpful. It is good to know I am not alone in this struggle. Thank you again.

 

My pleasure. The best part about all this is that if you orient and conduct yourself well, this will not last forever. Instead you will build a happier, stronger and more peaceful relationship with your wife, and she will love you more than ever. You will feel good about yourself everyday as well.

I and every fellow man in this forum believe in you.

 

I had a really good day today. Drove into work and as it turned out I had the day off. So I went to pick up some donuts and surprised the family. My Kids were off from school and my wife is a stay at home mom so we spent the day together. We went to a park and walked some trails then came home played some games and were just a family. It was really nice to have that normalcy and I think my wife actually saw me as the husband and father I used to be and hope to be again. I know most days will be more difficult then this one but I am going to keep it my mind as a constant goal. No urges all day and a big step in the right direction.

 

That’s awesome! Time and normalcy are crucial for the healing of wounds. You are right in that there are many difficult days and conversations ahead. Orienting yourself to be your best self, your best possible man, will help you navigate those and be the man she needs you to be. You need to just keep being that man so that she feels loved and adored, and that will help her feel like every moment is not plagued with fear and insecurity around your mistakes.

One thing I noticed. The first week or two of coming clean was the easiest time to avoid urges. The pain and fear of loss is so fresh. Make a game plan for how you are going to be strong and overcome when the urges now while you are feeling good.

Keep it up!

 

Reading over so many of these posts, it almost feels like I’m reading my own story... new to this- finally realize I need help. Quick question for the community- for those with significant others, have any of you tried Accountability Software?

 

Yes. Do whatever it takes. Accountability software works well. It will especially help you through the first few months.

 

Do you have any suggestions for helping your SO during early withdrawal? I'm having crazy flashbacks, images, and my brain is making up fantasies now; all that hurt my wife each and every time. I don't want to go back to lies, I want to be as open and honest as I can but I don't know how to help her recovery.

 

So day 4 of my streak and 7 days from when my wife confronted me about my PMO obsessions. I have been making a lot of changes in my life from restricting internet use to making plans to put locks on my phone to keep me from viewing porn. At the advice of RecoveringLion I have come up with a plan to help me overcome more difficult urges in the coming weeks. I put together a list of things to do when I get the urge. Such as cleaning the garage doing a load of laundry or quick little things around the house that don't require much prep. I am hoping these little distractions plus an excercise regimen will aid me in this recovery.

 

[QUOTE="Batboy123, post: 1254242, member: 162224"I want to be as open and honest as I can but I don't know how to help her recovery.[/QUOTE]

I am feeling the same way. What I am finding is the more I lie the longer my wifes recovery takes. Also, trying to understand where she's coming from helps her feel like you really care. Here are some links I have found recently. I hope these can help you get started.

https://partnerhope.com/2016/11/understanding-betrayal-trauma/
https://www.btr.org/podcast/14-signs-of-gaslighting/
https://www.thehopeline.com/how-to-stop-lying-part-1

Sincerely

 

Hey Batboy123, I sure do.

I think it helps to let her understand that through your mistakes, you have rewired your brain. Thankfully science has proven that all the damage cane be undone, but it requires patience. Let her understand that part of your healing journey involves flashbacks as those neuropathways start to break down over the next few months and that the journey also includes mental discipline training. Help her understand that during this time your sex drive is going to be inconsistent, you might be moody and temperamental at times, and that it wont last forever. Studies have shown its like getting free from a drug addiction. From there I would agree upon some boundries to help her feel safe. Here are some examples from my marriage:

1. Temptation, struggle, feeling drawn to lust and porn is not wrong, its natural, but acting on it always wrong. This is why I reccomend finding other things to do, interesting hobbies, etc. You need to fill your life and mind with other things.

2. Getting carried away in fantasies about porn or women you see is wrong. We define getting carried away as not forcibly bouncing your mind to something else as many times as it takes until you are no longer struggling with that fantasy. Sometimes that may mean 100 times in ten minutes. As long as you are making the effort to keep your mind and thoughts disciplined, then you are handling it properly.

3. Our eyes are naturally drawn to women’s bodies. If you find yourself unintentionally checking out a woman, sexually or not, bounce your eyes, force yourself to look at and think about something else.

4. You may or may not agree with this one. I had been with a good number of women before my wife. As an extrovert I am naturally flirtatious and charming. To me, being fun and friendly with women (with innocent intentions) comes off as flirtactous and threatening to my wife. So our boundries...I am merely polite with women. I dont seek to extend or initiate conversation. I dont spend any time with women one on one. And I do not talk to other women about ANYTHING I wouldn’t be willing to share with my wife, or be ashamed to have her hear if she were there in person. I dont seek any kind of affirmation or validation from other women. Is this overkill? Maybe, but a a man, my first duty is to make sure my SO feels safe and secure in our relationship. If she doesn’t, then I am doing something wrong.

5. Failure to follow through with these boundries needs to be communicated to your wife within 24 hours, or else it counts as a lie, and you are sleeping on the couch for a week.

These boundries setup good expectations that are shared and mutually agreed upon. Get an accountability partner and let her know you have a friend checking in on you. Don’t let your ego get in the way. We screwed up, now we have to show our wife we are doing everything in our power to get better. Share your victories with her. She needs to see you succeeding.

 

Dude, thats great to hear. The most important thing to do is to make a plan of attack. Think through where you are vulnerable, and make a plan to deal with it in a healthy way. You are off to a great start. Another good tip is to visualize the man you believe you are capable of being. Ask yourself, “If I was the absolute best possible me, if I unlocked all of my potential, what would that look like? Then make a 1% improvement towards being that man everyday.

I am a firm believer that behavioral modification should be the byproduct, not the goal. Orient yourself to the highest and purest possible good, then start moving forward and keep your eyes and heart vigilant as you progress. Find a mission. It doesn’t matter what, it just needs to be realistic to you, whether its to get a muscular physique at 10% body fat, or to learn a martial art (I’m a huge fan of Muay Thai), whether its to save money for a house, or whatever. I would reccomend this mission include something physical, because getting free from porn is just as physical as it is mental.

Your on the right track, be the best you possible. I am proud of your progress and 100% believe in you!

 

I just want to say this is an amazing thread, and it's great to see you guys wanting to get better and support each other, it made me smile and put me in a good mood this morning. Continue your recoveries and stay strong!

 

Thank you for the support.

 

Thank you for the articles[/QUOTE]

 

Another day. This one was a little stressful. Just from regular every day stress though. Finances, work, weather But I made it. One day at a time as they say. I am making a decision to control my life. I will over come this and continue to overcome. My life will be what I make it.

"We are the music makers-We are the dreamers of dreams"- Willy Wonka
Was just really feeling that quote today. Have a good night everyone.

 

Another successful day in the books!

 

So many great thoughts and ideas here. Actions that have helped me and my SO are:

1.) Being OPEN. Childhood trauma, bullying, etc. helped create my personality and behavioral traits that helped steer me to PMO and MO. Sharing all of this with my SO, stuff that I've shared with no one, not a soul for 30 years, has been paramount for my recovery and my SO caring. Cannot share just the past, its everyday. Talk, share, turn off the TV and connect again.

2.) Seek Professional Help. Talking to someone, just talking in general, and talking to someone who is a professional is so helpful and demonstrates commitment. A professional can help you accept and then understand.

3.) Commitment. You have to want to do this for yourself, not anyone else. I believe like any addition, you cannot eradicate PMO without hitting rock bottom yourself and making the change no matter what. Wife leaves you...no PMO. Family deserts you...no PMO. Its all about you wanting it for yourself...no one else.

 

Anything that works is worth it. When you feel that, you're on your way.

 

I totally agree with this. The euphoria of coming clean last about 1-2 weeks, but you need an organized plan of attack you can stick to. B/c the blocking and tackling comes quickly, and it is not easy. But, nothing easy is every worth it. "It's the hard that makes it great".