Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Yep, told you, my next post included narcissistic behavior patterns. It just sucks, it really does.

 

We had a really long, emotional talk last night and all morning today, seems better now. But damn, it really is a lot, takes a toll that's for sure.

 

Thank you, I don't know how my mind/body survives these 'roller coaster' rides.

 

DAY 365:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Peaceful | Content | Vulnerable | Understood | Respected | Loving | Nervous | Eager | Intimate | Sensitive | Hopeful | Inspired
_______________________________________________________________________

First things first, I would like to say: CONGRATULATIONS to my husband @Wade W. Wilson for reaching such a huge milestone, 1 year clean! I am so proud of you, no matter the ups and downs, you are still putting in the work and you have been continuing to move forward.



Last night, we another really emotional night, full of a lot of talking and a lot of tears. I don't think he nor I, have ever cried this much in our entire lives. Like, this recovery/healing is turning us into emotional saps, it's ridiculous, this whole vulnerability thing is a bitch. I think we came to the conclusion that, a lie, is a lie, is a lie - period... however as he was subconsciously lying to me, it was because he thought he had this particular situation "handled" and only had to bring up any issues where he felt like he lost control, felt shame or needed help. He didn't realize that, much like urges to M or watch P, just because he controls himself not to act out on those urges or thoughts... without telling me about it, there's zero accountability. The talk was long, difficult but I think we made a lot of progress, this was a big test and as bad as it was, I think it was something that needed to happen. Now, he realizes that his thoughts or minor slips, whether he is aware and uses tools to control his behaviors or not, are as much a part of recovery as anything else. Something he needs to be mindful of and remain accountable for, I don't care for the daily numbers, but he is adding a new boundary for himself to monitor his thoughts/slips, so he can see his progress/changes over time. I get that he has been honest with me about everything else, his shame, guilt, pain and things he didn't have to tell me -- because I normally wouldn't have found out, so I don't think he set out to lie to me about this, per say, but I do think he was giving himself way too much credit in this department and by keeping me out, he mislead me, big time. However, all that will be changing after our talk.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Wayne Dyer On Finding Inner Peace In Your Life", where he talks about finding inner peace and happiness in your life. "You're not a human being having a spiritual experience. You're a spiritual being having a human experience." His main point is there all of us have two people, in each of us: 1) Ego and 2) Sacred Self, there is a big difference between both... with one yo have a much higher purpose and more aware, guess which one.

This morning, we drove around a bit and talked, before doing our weekly grocery run. It was another long talk, we continued the same topic from last night. I told him once again, that I refuse to be taken for a fool and I will never again be "that girl" because when I said I was done last Jan, I meant it, the old me - she was weak and settled for less... that is not me, not anymore. He told me he understands and wouldn't have it any other way. He said, that he does not want to ever go back to his old self, he is afraid of who that guy was and what he was capable of (how much hurt he did). I'm happy we worked it all out and are able to go to dinner in peace tonight.

We went to dinner together, in this blistering cold and rain, but this is an occasion worth celebrating. We were both in a better place, certainly from yesterday, after talking and working things out. The dinner was touching, he wrote me a beautiful speech that he read out loud to me. I gave him a card with a gift, made just for him and one only we'd understand. He asked me if I would be willing to take my set plan/timer, off the table and take this relationship, for now, one day at a time, as a revolving door so to speak... I told him OK, I would take the time table off my plan and work towards a possible permanent reconciliation? instead of my personal end-goal (from last Jan, which is still there, dependant on his work and of course, the circumstances before us as we go), but I told him that he better not make me regret this, he said he would not. Why did I decide this? because I see and have seen for the past year the consistent work he has been putting in - recovery, self-care and towards making me feel loved. For the first time in his adult life, he is making real lifestyle changes, being honest with me [for the most part] and that gives me hope, as this has never been on the playing field before. My fears of "what ifs"... may never leave me completely, but I want to be more positive about this because this time is different, he is different, he is putting in the work. What Coby, of BAE, said comes to mind at this very moment: "It's important that - that old relationship die, in order for a new one to be given a new life" and then what Ashlynn said about her recovering husband, when asked why she stayed after the affairs: "Yes, once a cheater, always a cheater - unless you do the work". Maybe having my little clock made me feel safer because I had a set plan for myself, now with it gone, I am truly free to test the waters, the unknowns... or take a risk, who knows.

Ironically, I also got this in my inbox today:


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
He asked me a question, I didn't hesitate, I gave him a straight answer, as confused as I am, I went with my gut.

#Motivation
Steve Rizzo - ENJOY LIFE:


Finding Your Happiness:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Thank you!! it's been a whirlwind!

 

Thank you very, very much. I hope you are right and in one year, we will look back and see even more growth! So long as there are no lies we'll be okay, setbacks/triggers I can get through, lies I refuse to deal with.

 

DAY 366:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Peaceful | Loving | Curious | Free | Creative | Tired | Overwhelmed
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, we spoke at dinner and I wrote about that in yesterday's post. After we just watched tv in each other's arms, drank a lil and hit the sheets. It was a long week, full of emotional ups and downs and I think we ended the one year recovery anniversary on a good note.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Practical Tips on How To Journal For Self-Improvement", where the main point dives into journaling and how to journal for self-improvement. Remember! journal writing is a voyage to the interior. What should you focus on, in your journal, for self-improvement? 1) GRATITUDE: Take time listing some stuff you are grateful for. 2) Consider the day's lessons, what have you learned? new or reinforced lessons. 3) Explore emotions, being aware of your emotions and identify the event/triggers, so when you revisit the entry, you can try to rationalize the situation later. 4) A stream of conciseness: think deep, look for your inner-insights, clear your mind and write from the heart and express whatever comes to your mind, whether you think it's important or not. 5) Revisit though problems: going back and re-reading your problems, after the fact, you will be able to look at the situation with the problem-solving part of your brain, the nonemotional part and this will help you really find solutions.

This morning my client sent me some work that is due EOB Friday, so my entries won't be too big for the next few days, but before the storm hit us, we took a drive to the mall so we could walk. On the way there we listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 64 Identifying and Dealing with Danger Zones", which was about people, places, events, etc., that could very well trigger either the recovering addict or the betrayed and how to avoid them/handle them. We spoke about what ours were and then we somehow ended up talking about our past, how I avoided a lot of red-flags and his youth too, it was a weird but interesting conversation.

This afternoon, Wade had his weekly group with Coby, so I worked in the other room and listened to/watched "Ashlynn relapsed but bounced back with skill" which, the title alone struck me because my first thought was "how can 'the betrayed' ... relapse??? like what does that even mean? well apparently, relapsing for the betrayed is when we get triggered and then WE act out, when instead of speaking -- we shut down, shut off and wallow in our own shame and fears etc. It was an interesting take, I never looked at it that way.

After his group, he told me that Coby asked him, to talk to me/ask me if I would trust the group to be his AP going forward and let them take over. I told him that, I will leave the decision up to him, I will be fine with whatever he wants to do. However, I also told him - he will not be able to have it both ways, if he wants to shift to being accountable in that group instead of me, that's completely fine with me but if he has to stop his sessions or whatever, he can't just come back to me in a few months and expect to 'pick up' where we left off. If he's not checking in with me, that's-that, no more from that point on, he would need to find a different AP, should he need to leave the group. Why? because I don't want to keep going along on my merry way for a few months, not-knowing where he is at in his recovery/progressing (because he is checking in with others) assuming everything is going a certain way and then, all of a sudden he'll come to me with a lot of "new" (to me) information, it will feel like I'm getting hit by a mack truck, all over again - emotionally it is just not something I will be able to take. So, it is either we continue as we have been since day one (open book/AP for him) or he moves the APing stuff to the group and we only talk about relationship stuff, no more recovery or healing issues. I guess we will talk about it more tonight and I'll see what he really prefers to do.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though my fear has been in and out of my head, I am still hopeful about this decision.

#Healing
Ashlynn relapsed but bounced back with skill:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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It was disappointing to discover -big time- because a lie is a lie to me... especially when I was being so open and honest, supportive and empathetic. He was telling me about the bigger stuff or issues he was feeling shame about/out of control. He was under the impression if he didn't have a problem losing control (going to objectification etc) that it wasn't something he was having a 'problem' with, so he didn't consider them slips. However, in my book, having thoughts or needing to utilize tools to stop yourself from losing control or going to objectification, it one step before a big slip, and should be talked about. It's worth noting and I would have been proud of him for being aware, in control and using tools to stay mindful.

We did discuss all of this and it was a learning curve that, unfortunately, had to happen in order for us to, well - learn from it or else we'd keep going like this.

 

DAY 367:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Tired | Sleepy | Overwhelmed | Rushed | Content | Interested | Optimistic | Unfocused | Busy
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, we spoke about Coby's ask of him, whether I would be okay with him moving his "APing" from me to the group. I told him, I would leave it up to him because at the end of the day - it is his recovery and I will support his decision. I feel like we've done well the way we've been going, but I'm not Coby (a PA mentor) nor am I a therapist. I did tell him my terms though, that if he wants to move it to the group, that means all of it, I won't do partial or tidbits - he would need to go to them for all of it, including shame, triggers, urges etc and it also means, my end of it will also have to stop too, I won't be coming to him with my triggers, pain, struggles etc as I have been - because this won't be a one way street, it's either we come to each other for everything or we do not, I won't be the only one being rigorously honest, meanwhile I'll only be getting half-truths or pieces of what he is allowed to disclose. Pretty much we would be taking all things recovery/healing off the table, which is what we've been doing since the beginning. Instead, we would be just speaking about videos we watch, podcasts we listen to but still being careful not to dip our toes into currently boundaried topics, our normal day to days (work/kids/family life) etc. He said he wasn't sure what he should do, so I told him, we can try Coby's way for one week and see how he likes it. He told me that he was uncomfortable with the idea, that he doesn't understand why Coby was insistent on this, but he would need to think about it and maybe we could give a week a try.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "The Joy of Setting Goals and Taking Action to Accomplish Them", where the main point is that you don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great. Don't procrastinate, if you have a dream, just start, do not wait around for the perfect time because there is never a perfect time, so it will never come.

This morning I worked on the work that my client sent me, which is due EOB Friday, as I worked I listened to some YouTube videos from Ashlynn and Coby, which were pretty interesting. Then when Wade woke up, I took a quick break, we drove to grab a bite to eat where we talked about starting the week "APing break". He told me again that he was mulling it over, but it wasn't sitting well with him, he likes talking to me and prefers to do so. I told him, it is totally up to him and I am okay with whatever he wants to do. On the drive back, he told me he wants to just continue the way we have been running this recovery, where we both "AP" for each other and that he will tell Coby, that he is more comfortable with talking to me about his issues, as they occur, along with telling the group too. Of course, I prefer it this way, I love our honest talks - I think without them, we wouldn't have moved past or resolved many of the setbacks we've encountered, especially in the last week. I just hope when he brings this up in the group, they won't assume I am the one pushing him or forcing him to do this.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The feeling I felt inside, of being pleasantly surprised that Wade was actually insistent on me remaining his AP and him remaining mine, I thought he would prefer his new group of all males.

#Healing
Why did they cheat on me?


Negativity & how I combat it!


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 368:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Unfocused | Overwhelmed | Annoyed | Busy | Content | Creative | Rushed | Free | Calm
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, after a long day, working at the computer Wade knew my back was all sort of screwed up, so he offered me another back rub (that's two days in a row! ) and when he cracked/stretched it, the sound that came out was insane LOL! anyway, as he did that we spoke a little bit, about the topics of the last few days. He's been telling me that he feels like he is in a honeymoon phase since I've said yes to him, it is so cute, I don't remember him being this happy after I said yes to his proposal in 2006. He has mentioned now that I said okay to taking things one day at a time, this removes one of the goals he has been working towards - he will need to be extra vigilant because he is afraid that he may start getting complacent, I sure hope not or he will prove my fears right. Although it has been so adorable watching him act like he is on cloud 9, like I've mentioned, I don't remember him being like this before. Then we went and watched a little OITNB, before he had to head out to work and I really didn't want him to leave.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Self-Improvement Coach Tracy Hensel: The Power of Saying No", where the main point is there is real freedom is saying no without giving a reason.

I also watched the video @AnonymousAnnaXOXO posted "Apology from the Unfaithful" which was just beautiful, pulled at my heartstrings.

This morning, Wade had to stay at work and I could not go for my walk because it was ICE COLD out there and I had to work. So, I listened to a few recovery videos, including one about being more disciplined. He brought up a good example, that he read in a book and I think the concept is actually quite valid and a good way of looking at things, especially for a recovering addict. The video I listened to was "How to Be More DISCIPLINED - 6 Ways to Master Self Control" and this is the part that really peaked my interest: “When you're trying to change your behavior, forget about the goal you're trying to achieve (the external outcome) and instead focus on the change in identity you want to happen, this is a concept that I first read about in James Clear's book “Atomic Habits” which I highly recommend by the way and there's this passage near the beginning of the book that really encapsulates it well so I'm just gonna read it to you here, imagine two people resisting a cigarette when offered a smoke: the first person says “no thanks, I'm trying to quit” it sounds like a reasonable response but this person still believes they are a smoker who is trying to be something else, they are hoping that their behavior will change while carrying around the same beliefs - the second person declines by saying “no thanks, I'm not a smoker”, it's a small difference but the statement signals a shift in identity smoking was a part of their former life, not their current one they no longer identify as someone who smokes so the general idea here is that once you've embraced a change in your identity you're gonna find yourself acting in alignment with that change. If you're wondering why exactly this happens the third chapter of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion has a great explanation for it, essentially humans feel this natural compulsion to act consistently with their past decisions, as he writes in the book - once we have made a choice or taking a stand, we will encounter personal and interpersonal pressures to behave consistently with that commitment, those pressures will cause us to respond in ways that justify our earlier decision”. Interesting concept, no?

P.S: I also found myself really missing my morning walk with Wade, especially that last power walk we had at the mall which was a good workout and productive talk. I miss being around him more and more these days, quite the opposite of what it was a little over a year ago - when I couldn't wait for him to leave asap.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My morning started out hectic, but I refocused myself and got my work done.

#Self-Care
The POWER of NO! | Self-Improvement!


#Addiction
Apology from the Unfaithful (thanks @AnonymousAnnaXOXO)


How to Be More DISCIPLINED - 6 Ways to Master Self Control


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 369:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Content | Shocked | Excited | Peaceful | Inquisitive | Busy | Playful | Overwhelmed | Frustrated | Tired | Sleepy
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, we spoke for a little bit about our days - a quick round up if you will. He asked for the opinion of one of his AP's professional friends, in regards to Coby's ask and that pro actually sided with Wade and my opinion on the matter, without knowing our stance. It was nice to hear, he did also explain why Coby was probably so insistent on it too and that made sense. I guess like with everything else, everyone, every recovery is different and you should run it accordingly - with what works best for you and your partner. Then we dissected Ashlynn's "Ashlynn relapsed but bounced back with skill" video and both agreed that if they would have been truly rigorously honest with each other, this shouldn't have happened. In this case, I actually think Coby did the right thing by recognizing he was tired, which is an emotional trigger for him, so he needed to nap in order to be mindful the rest of the day - I don't know why she didn't just stay with him and nap or read a book for a bit until he woke up, but as I just mentioned, we are all different.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey Revisited", where the main point is, habits and routines are what makes us successful, we are what we repeatedly do. The 3 that they mention are 1) always focus on things you can control, instead of things you can not control. 2) Think deeply about how other people think about you, think about the end, what will you leave the world with? 3) "First things first" concentrate on what's important, don't waste time on useless tasks or activities.

This morning, I was under the impression that Wade would be too tired, so we'd drive around a little, collect some kicks and call it a day. He surprised me and said "let's go walk at the mall" -- I was so so shocked and then excited lol, I've really been missing my walks because of this damn near frostbite weather! he told me about his night and then on the way there we listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 65 Being Mindful of Body Cues" which is about how our bodies cannot and do not stop communicating with us. How do we need to learn to be mindful enough to recognize those cues, so we can take precautionary steps to avoid potential bad behavior that follows, if we are mindless, like relapse for either the addict or betrayed. Then Brandon recommended a book, which I added to my "should buy" list, called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" by Karol K. Truman, where the author goes into what ailments are usually triggered by what emotions. We discussed how many health issues we've had and how, more likely then not, they were related to all of this stress and trauma. It really is insane, how everything is so intertwined.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though my little one threw a whole roll of toilet paper, into the toilet, I did not go ballistic, I was stern but not a maniac - I stayed mindful.

#Motivational
7 Habits of Highly Effective People Self Improvement by Stephen Covey


#Self-Care
10 Amazing HABITS You Must ADOPT in 2019


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 370:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Sleepy | Tired | Unfocused | Content | Interested | Inquistive | Busy | Overwhelmed | Stressed | Inspired | Creative | Free
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, we did not talk as we had a good productive talk in the morning, we started watching Jessica Jones, season 2 (even though Netflix is canning it, probably because Disney is going to be coming out with their own streaming device soon). Anyhow, Usually he goes out to smoke first, then we either talk or if we already spoke earlier, we catch up on shows. Twice this week, he has lost track of time while he has been out on the balcony smoking, something I am not a fan of, because that is old Wade behavior, inconsiderate Wade behavior. I sat, for almost 30 minutes waiting around for him - while he was watching shows on his phone and chatting with AP's. He lost track of time, but on a night where has to go to work, that's 30 minutes less of alone time for us and it sucks, so I did get a bit triggered and I didn't like how it felt at all. I think he realized that when I pointed it out and apologized.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Your Daily Habits Determine Your Future, we get a reminder that in life our daily habits ultimately determine our future. Whether we want to admit it or not, we live out our lives through mini habits, repeated, all day. You have habits for your morning routine, your daily commute, how you pay your bills and what you do with your free time. The point of this podcast was, the sooner we accept that we are in fact creatures of habit, we can begin to identify those personal habits that are not taking us in the direction that we want to go. You can have every intention in the world to accomplish something, but if your daily choices are going in the opposite direction, you will not end up where you want, therefore, change your habits to align with working towards your bigger goals. I have personal experience with this, my last year was completely changed because of adding a real morning routine, that ended with walking.

This morning, we ran a few errands, as we did that, we listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 65 The Secret Pill of Recovery". It was a good one where they say, that each recovery is unique and that no one person is the same and no certain method or order in which you do things will work seamlessly for every single person/couple. You can not follow all of the steps of how someone else did it, checking off all of the "right" boxes, then assume you'll be cured or "fixed", that's just not how it works. What works for one, may not work for you, of course, it is always advisable to learn from others, especially from their mistakes, trials and errors etc but follow the path that best suits you. Same goes with our recovery, what works for us, may not work for others. Hence our week long back and forth in regards to Coby's insistence (ironically, given that this was something he talks about in his podcast lol) that Wade quit telling me things and just stick with the group. Wade decided on his own, without me pressuring him or insisting anything, that he prefers to keep things the way they have been between us because it's been working for us. He said he told Coby in the App, he also had asked some questions and tagged Coby, but Coby has not been responding. Now, that is what troubles me, Wade brought that up in their last video meeting, that Coby does not seem to respond to group questions in the App etc., he says he expects the guys to self manage, but if there's anything major to tag him and he'll get notified and respond, but he's been MIA. So, he is supposed to mentor them, but they are supposed to rely on each other for guidance? isn't the whole point of having a 'mentor', having someone who can let them know if what they are doing is right, wrong or etc... Wade said that Coby's excuse was that he runs like 3 or 4 groups, so if he would be active in all of the group chats all day, he wouldn't have time for anything. That's understandable, but people are paying you $175.00 a month, for "mentoring"/"groups"... these are not groups of guys who have been in recovery for 2-3 years, in good positions to guide others and are just looking for people with common interests to chat it up with, these are guys, most of whom are really struggling, one couldn't even figure out if looking at a semi-nude photo that popped up, was a relapse or not, so who's going to tell him yes/no, another guy who doesn't know the difference? because the mentor isn't doing his job. I'm not too crazy about that, then he wants the guys to only keep things in the group, which is laughable without someone to actually guide them, how am I [as the betrayed] suppose to trust the process if the coach is MIA lol luckily for me, Wade and I still talk, but I feel bad for the other wives - whose husbands decided to cut them off and stick to just the group chat. I told Wade, to give it a few more weeks, see which of the guys are active in the chat group, add them to friends, make a spin-off group and do self-checks and save yourselves $175/mo each.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As difficult as the kids made it for me, I still found a little time to put together our Jan 2019 budget.

#Motivational
Want To Be Unforgettable?


#Relationships
When Your Relationship Is Broken…

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=581791132291013

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#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 371:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Frightened | Worried | Curious | Loving | Intimate | Hopeful | Thankful | Overwhelmed | Anxious | Annoyed | Bitter | Frustrated
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, I was feeling a lot worse than I feel today but, where do I begin... another inconsiderate incident occurred in what seems like a chain of events in the last two weeks or so, this one had nothing to do with recovery, but was related to his big mouth/verbal diarrhea... which usually leaves me swimming in a sea of shit, sorry for the visuals. I won't go into all of the details, but it has to do with an inside joke that was supposed to stay between us, that he ended up blurting out to his parents, making me look like an ass, cause they KNOW it would not have just come from him... then as he was saying it over the phone, I gave him a "STFU!" look, so what does he do next? begins whispering something to me, without muting the phone - so they can hear him whispering something, ugh omg, I wanted to bash my head into the wall at that point. So, of course, I not only got triggered, I got super pissed off too - my trigger was going off of multiple variables by this point, this 'event' was apart of a few in a row, that reminded me of the old Wade, which I feared would rear his head if I gave him a chance. The girls were still awake, we still had to get them through their evening routine which gave me some time to cool off. When we finally got around to talking, he asked me if there was something else bothering me because it seems as though I've been lashing out harsher than usual, I told him "no" because that was the truth and because my anger that was being expressed, wasn't just because of this one set thing, as I mentioned above. I explained to him that it was because of the incidents happened back to back, that caused my fear of his old-self returning to hit me [trigger] in full swing, plus the array of issues throughout the last two weeks... then to top it off the TYPE of action he did, didn't just cause a discrepancy between us, but it puts a shit stain on me in his parents eyes [which, sorry, but is something I just don't like - yeah, I'm just that kind of person.] - as if they need even more reasons to dislike me and I just do not appreciate when he behaves in such inconsiderate ways, he knows this, therefore my anger is tenfold and layered. It was good to be able to talk it out and not hold on to the anger and resentment, he left for work and I went to bed. At around 5:00 AM, I woke up to a message from him saying "I really need to talk to you" my heart sank until I got to the part that said, "don't want worry you, no relapses or anything."

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Les Brown: Remember That You Create Your Own Destiny", his main point? that we are the ones who create our own destiny because the only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

This morning, we finally got to go walk, outside, it was brisk but sunny and beautiful! he began telling me that, he was depressed all night at work and didn't know what to do with himself. He started off by saying that he doesn't mean to lay all of this at my feet because he knows how much I'm going through, but he has been having a lot of fears too, now that I've given him this chance. He is afraid of letting me down, getting complacent, that maybe if he waited for another year before asking, he would feel more secure with himself/recovery and then would not be so afraid of letting me down. It was a very honest and vulnerable moment and I told him I understood exactly where he was coming from, because I have the same kind of fear(s), just from the other end of this. I told him that yes, these last few incidents have given me pause because any time I see his old behaviors creeping up, my fears spike right up. However, there is a difference any way you put it, which shows me that there is a clear progression and that is, this. The fact that he had these fears and instead of being paranoid that telling me would trigger me, cause me to get upset or "offended" etc., he came to me and still brought it up. This is a big deal because had he not, had he decided to just 'deal' with it himself, it could have led to him acting out in various ways and caused resentment to build up towards me. After our talks, he said he felt a lot better about everything and I did as well, I am happy that we talked this out.

Once the girls got home from school, omg shit hit the fan and fast, my head exploded. Noise from all directions - the little one, the older one, my dad all would not shut up. Tears, arguments between the kids, nonstop blabbering and complaining from my dad, for what seemed like over an hour straight. I am still nursing a killer headache from then. I need to freaking lay down in silence and relax, so badly.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finally found some time to get back to my online class!

#Motivational
Les Brown | KING MINDSET! | Motivational Speech


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 372:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Tired | Eager | Inquisitive | Excited | Perplexed | Thankful | Free | Provoked | Let Down | Powerless | Ashamed | Widthdrawn | Content
_______________________________________________________________________

Last night, my head was killing me so Wade rubbed it for a little while, seemed to help a bit. While he did that he thanked me for holding his space earlier that day and I told him that, he doesn't need to thank me, I'm there for him but he said he wants to thank me because he is just grateful - I appreciate that. Afterward, we went to watch Jessica Jones until he had to leave for work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "To Change Your Life Change Your Thinking", where the main point is in order to change your life and have more success you must first change your thinking. Act the way you want to be and soon you will be the way you act. The claim is that there is a law in psychology that if you form a picture in your mind of what you would like to be, and you keep and hold that picture there long enough, you will soon become exactly as you have been thinking.

This morning, I completed another lesson in my online class which was great. Then we dropped off the girls at school and then we got to walk outside again! we listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 66 Loving Yourself Despite Betrayal Trauma" which was about how Betrayal trauma can highjack the brains of those who have it. Then it can affect the day to day thought process about 'self' in a negative way. This was a tough one to listen to for me, they make a lot of strong/valid points, I see myself and my issues in a lot of the examples they’ve brought up, especially when I’ve gotten triggered. BUT there were some points, where I did not agree with their "solutions" on how to help yourself/your mindset, for instance - when I get triggered, that I should recognize and appreciate that this woman is a beautiful woman and that's okay! (not to be jealous, but to "appreciate" her instead #LOLZ) and try to think that this woman is a human being, with her own story, she is more than her looks - just like they try to teach men in order to help them stop viewing these women as an object to lust after. They mean for the betrayed, to stop objectifying in terms of thinking: "does she have to dress like a slut!" "why can't she cover up more" "look at her boobs, they are popping out of her top!" etc… but for me, they, themselves [the women] are not the actual problem, they weren’t prior to all of this betrayal trauma - I would notice other attractive women and just walk on by, no problem, never triggered or stopped to think "damn, I wish I looked like her!". As a matter of fact, as I explained to Wade, some of the women he has ogled, his "primes", in my opinion, had faces only a mother could love, or asses the size of tractor -- aka no one I would ever want to resemble myself, however, they still trigger me, why? because I know that's what he looked at, wanted and prefers, so it's not jealousy, because I don't want to look like them, it's more or less that I don't feel safe when they are around, because I know where I stand, compared to them, IN HIS EYES... not my own, if that makes sense to anyone but me. It was still a good podcast because it opened up a really good dialogue between us, as usual.

In the morning Wade brought up Valentine's Day, I've been putting it off - not sure why, because I usually love planning stuff, but holidays usually are full of anxiety for me, residual effects of the last 12+ years, anyway, after watching Jodan Page's "plan for the year", Wade and I decided to take her advice and split up the events, so I got Valentine's Day this year. While the girls were in school and Wade slept, I called my mom and asked her if she would be cool with sitting with the girls on Valentine's Day - so I can plan something for that evening, which was what I assumed would make the most sense (dinner date). She gave me a reluctant "yes, but..." which gave me a horrible pit of the stomach feeling and filled me with shame and guilt for even asking. She said, "well you know dad has that doctors appointment on the 13th and we don't know how that will go, how he'll be feeling the next day, but I guess we can sit with them, but you guys have to be home by 8 pm" annoying. Anyway, so I began looking things up that we could do during the daytime, while the girls were in school, so my parents wouldn't have to sit with the girls... I had a few things come to mind, but after some thought, I figured maybe it was too cheesy, so I began looking for something else. The more I looked, the more frustrated I got... I considered a couples spa day/massage, once I began scrolling through various couples spa packages, I noticed my insides beginning to boil and my anxiety rising up, I wondered wtf was going on and then it hit me... I was getting triggered, I wasn't comfortable with the idea of some woman giving him a massage... after what he disclosed to me a few months ago, so... that idea went out the window. Then I began looking for evening events, parties kind of like NYE, there were some but a bit on the pricey end, they include food, a bottle of wine and music - then like before, I began getting hot flashes, I even said "fuck!" out loud, because I realized after what happened last week, I don't think I would feel comfortable in a jam-packed venue, especially on a romantic holiday where women will be dressed "extra sexy" for their men, I won't feel safe or secure and end up ruining the night. The more I thought about that, the more I began thinking about the fact that to top things off, I'll look bad because I don't even have anything to wear. So, my brain went to "fine, just dinner then" and then I thought, it's V-Day, freaking 'threats' could be out on parade in droves at dinner too because all restaurants will be jam-packed with lovebirds, I mean it's Valentine's Day for crying out loud. To make matters worse, my fucking downstairs neighbor was blasting music for 4 hours straight, pissing me off even more, ugh I had to stop the search/planning until I calm down because it became too overwhelming, I will have to try again later.

Then in order to distract myself, I decided to watch two episodes of my show without sitting at my computer or phone. I zoned out a little, it did help, I needed that 'reset', then before I knew it, I heard the kids running down the hallway, my parents picked them up from school. As soon as they all got home, the craziness began... just like yesterday the noise, the headache bam. Once Wade woke up, he went and picked up some dinner, it was yummy, then we watched a tv show as a family, now I am waiting for the kid's bedtime, so I can just lay down and rest.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though, as BAE would put it, I got highjacked during my Valentines Day search, I didn't let it take over my entire day.

#Motivational
Brian Tracy's 1000% Formula LAW OF ATTRACTION


Lauren Zander - Crush The Chicken Voice In Your Head & Get Real


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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