Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 345:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night he gave me a foot rub while we had our nightly talk, soothing as usual but the talk wasn't about anything pleasant I must admit. We discussed the trigger, he attempted to explain why he lied/gaslighted me right away and then came clean when we got into the car. It doesn't change the fact that after almost a year of recovery and with all that we've learned and been through, his first instinct is still to lie to me. Of course, I am happy he ended up coming clean fairly quickly, this time - but what is to say if the 'incident' is something bigger, he won't resort to sticking to his lie and the vicious cycle of his PA would again ensue. Then he tried making sense of his antsy behavior and how it was his addict trying to creep back in, but he didn't slip because he was still in control and knows what he wants and what he wants is me and no one else. To me, that just sounds like he is programming himself.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Justin Perry: Simple Rules For Life Explained", where the point is, what you give, you get back. Like the energy that you put out into the world, comes back to you - multiplied.

    This morning he told me that he didn't enjoy reading my honest response on my journal, it hurt to read, although he says he understands it and can't blame me for feeling the way that I do. He made his case to me again, he said he isn't sure why all of a sudden he acted the way he had yesterday when he hasn't behaved this way in a while. He said that one thing is clear to him, that he has thought about it over and over again - and that is, he only wants me and nobody else, but he is fighting years of addiction and instincts, which isn't easy and I get that but I told him, in my opinion, if he is truly satisfied, and a year into recovery - it shouldn't still be that difficult if he is truly with someone he "wants". When he tells me all the things I want to hear when we are alone, it all sounds great, I even want to believe him, take him at his word - but when incidents like yesterday occur, or when his favorite kind of women are around us, those set of circumstances change everything. I feel like I'm always in competition mode in him eyes, when they are nearby (and when he acts the way he did yesterday, that proves my theory correct) - like I am not who he really desires to be with or wants, that he would rather be ogling whomever and I am just holding him from that, he is probably wishing for or fantasizing about 'her' or 'them'. And each time those thoughts are set off, in the end, my conclusions always seems to take me in the same direction: that I am only left with two options, stay and deal with this shit (triggers and doubts) for the rest of my life, on a never-ending emotional roller coaster or just leave and try to find someone who actually wants me because they picked me, for me, as I am right now and all that I have to offer as I am today, quirks and all... someone who I won't have to worry about when going outside or to a store, wonder if he is fantasizing about others or forever doubt where I stand with him. I want to be wanted, I need to feel that I am "it" for my man, period and I do not think that is too much to ask for, if I can do it from my end, I know it is not too much to ask a man to do. What's sad is, I went from a week, where I was actually making gains on safety with him, I actually felt something shifting within me and I told him this and all it took was one set of actions and now I'm back to feeling insecure and questioning everything all over again and I don't think my mental state can keep going through these emotional up and downs, it drains so much out of me and it becomes physically apparent, even my doctor said I was looking pale and wanted to extra run tests for it. I love him so much and the connection we've been able to get in under a year, has really been something I could have never imagined sharing with anyone (and will probably never share with anyone else ever again, if it comes to that), let alone him and of course I don't want to lose it, but I have to be real and true to myself too. I can not really be happy or healthy, if I am constantly having these ups and downs, leaving me wondering if I am who my husband desires/wants, it is just not a sustainable way to be or live, it is too hard and his behavior yesterday showed me, that there may be something to my fears and worries, that it may not just be worries based on past history alone, but the concerns could, in fact, be based on present issues, he is not admitting to himself. I hate all these confusing and mixed feelings, I love, want and desire him and no one else - but for him, that has never been put in question, I never wanted anyone else, especially now if I would get to keep the man he has been this past year, because it is all that I ever wanted. However, there are major downfalls (all mentioned above) and I just can not ignore them, there is too much at stake for me, emotionally, mentally and even physically.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Even though I really felt like shutting down today, I didn't.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    The Power Of The Spoken Word- By Justin Perry (Law Of Attraction)



    Understanding The Principles of Success, and The Principles of Failure!:


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    [​IMG]
     
  2. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    123
    143
    43
    I know how this feels. Every ogling incident (or near incident) is just a reminder of my inadequacy. In my opinion, what you want IS NOT too much to ask for. I get so tired of hearing, "But men are different!" ; "They're more visual."; "They just can't help it."; "It's natural." ; Pay no attention to the fact that you look nothing like the women they've been googling!"
    Yes. I'm amazed at how a seemingly small thing can erase what feel like such big gains.
    Please know that I am not trying to discourage you and I hope my commiseration doesn't have that effect. I just want to reinforce that you and only you get to decide what you want and how you want to live. Don't let people tell you that you should settle for a life that you can never be comfortable with because what you need is "unrealistic".

    That said, it does sound as if he really loves you and is trying hard. Maybe it just takes more time for his preferences to shift. I have read many accounts on these forums of men reporting that their fog has lifted and they really do prefer their wives now. Maybe it's not so much that they had to learn to be attracted to their wives but more that they had to unlearn being conditioned to something else?

    Anyway, please take care of yourself and continue to be true to yourself.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I really do appreciate it having others who understand and can relate, knowing that I am not the only one who feels this, really does help! I can't stand hearing the "it's what all men do" "it's a guy thing" "just get used to it" and yes, worst of all, having to cope with knowing the women being drooled over - don't resemble me at all. :emoji_rolling_eyes:

    I know that and don't think for a second that any of your words are discouraging, they are honest and speak to your experience, which feels similar to mine, so you get it and that alone feels good. Feeling alone in this world is the worst, so knowing that someone else out there knows what it is like and empathizes, is comforting.

    I agree I do believe that he does truly love me and I have absolutely zero doubt on that part at all. He has told me, over and over and over again that once the fog was lifted, he finally realized what he had all along, that he knew from the start and felt like I was always out of his league but because of his PA and how quickly it progressed after he "got me" (put a ring on it, so he knew I wasn't going anywhere). He lost sight of everything and just gave in to his addiction completely, ignoring me and everything else along the way. I've watched so many videos and the science does say it is possible, but after 12 years of living in it, it is not so easy to come to terms with or believe, you know?

    Thank you, I always appreciate your words and please take care of yourself as well. :emoji_heart:
     
    Trappist and Susannah like this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 346:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we didn't talk too much, a few words here and there - but we shared a moment anyway. We were planning on skipping our talk since we spoke in the morning, so I laid on the bed while he went to go smoke, the plan was to go watch TV after. Instead, after he was done smoking, he came and joined me in bed and we just laid there and cuddled. We spoke about the issues at hand, my, not believing that I am enough for him or what he really wants compared to others/his 'type' and him rebutting of course and then for the first time in months, I just broke down and some tears began to fall. I don't cry much, I don't like when others (anyone) see me cry, I don't like it, but I couldn't stop it from coming. So, he just held me, for once he didn't get defensive or try to fix anything, so that was nice.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Meredith Miller: Stop Giving Away Your Personal Power", the main point? if you focus on the actions of others and allow them to constantly upset you, then you are handing your peace over to them and giving away your power. Learning self-control will help you get your power back, emotional neutrality is where your reactions need to be.

    This morning we spoke a little bit about a BAE podcast he listened to "Ep: 60 How and Why the Addict Breaks Boundaries", I think listened to it a while back or if not this one specific one similar to it, because when he was going over it, it sounded familiar. Afterward, he said he really wanted me to sign up for their paid service, for extra help and content and I think I will. Then we spoke a little more about the trigger and both of our feelings. Also, a video about marketing that he watched, one I was not shocked by at all. Then we went to my daughters honor roll ceremony, I'm so proud of her but my mood quickly shifted, when I noticed one of the PTA mom's that Wade ogled severely in the past, she was just there standing in super tight jeans - ass all out there on display, directly in his line of sight, sigh. I had to keep my eyes closed just to get through the event, so instead of being present and enjoying the fact that my daughter got such a great achievement I was in the middle of a panic attack and wanted out and after the last few days I have been all over the place, such an emotional wreck, all I wanted to do was scream and cry. I hate this shit, so much.

    Later in the day, I did something out of character for a people pleaser like me, twice. A client contacted me, after two years and requested that I send her an original file of a project I did for her, so she can edit it herself and make changes, meaning I get zero payment and release a layered file for free. Normally, I would just do it "to be nice" and not think twice, but this time I thought about it and remembered that this client was a pain in my ass, on a good day, so I checked my records and saw that she hasn't contacted me in two years for work. So, I told her I don't have the layered file any longer and if she wanted, I could make create a new file for her, for the standard rate - to which she agreed! mama got paid! Then my mom dropped by and we were talking, she was getting ready to leave and said "we'll drop by again, later on" and I said "give me a call, so I can let you know if we are done eating" and she said "so what if you guys are eating, it's not like we bother you, we just sit and we aren't strangers". For Wade and I, family dinners are a way for us to connect to our girls and it feels a little uneasy when my parents just sit there, while we are at the table trying to have family dinner, it has happened twice and Wade doesn't like it at all. However, my parents do so much for us that it is difficult to give them this boundary, without them getting upset or taking it the wrong way - I just know how they are. But I did the Mel Robbins, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and said: "it's not that you bother us, it just makes me feel bad that we are eating food at the table and you are just sitting there alone and don't ever want to join us, so it just makes me feel weird, like a bad host". I know I fibbed, but I know how my parents are and if I would have said "we don't want anyone just sitting there when we are having our family dinners" it wouldn't go so well. I could tell she didn't like what I said anyway and I honestly do not know how this will go over, in general, but it's like a huge weight off my shoulder. Some big steps for me, it hurts but feels good at the same time.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Proud that I somehow, found the courage to blurt out an uncomfortable truth to my mom and it was not fucking easy at all.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Healing
    Don't Give Away Your Power to the Narcissist



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Thinking of you Jag!
    I've just been trying to catch-up on journals as I went off here for a few weeks....
    I can see you've had some challenges to deal with but you've had some great achievements too!!
    Keep up the great work lovely, you are doing amazing and are such an inspiration!!
    Big hugs!! Xxx
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much @HonestyMatters I appreciate all of your kind words. <3
     
    Trappist likes this.
  7. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    123
    143
    43
    These incidents are what I refer to as "cosmic jokes" and our lives seem full of them. Once we moved to a different restaurant table so that we wouldn't have to watch the young waitresses walk by and might have a chance of enjoying our lunch. Turned out that we accidentally moved to a table RIGHT NEXT to the door to the kitchen, so that waitresses were constantly going in and out of the door the entire lunch. We got out of trouble by relocating to an actual "young girl dispenser". THAT is a cosmic joke and they are NOT funny and they happen all the time. So sorry one happened to you.
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It really is like the world is doing all it can to test you, right? seems like whenever I feel like I am at peace or want just a few minutes to enjoy something, nopeeeeeeeeeee - something always has to be "there". I guess this is just the life of a betrayed spouse, where everything can be a trigger. It just sucks because it seems like there is literally no safe space for us, anywhere on this planet, not a school function, lunch, not even a doctors office for crying out loud. **CRY**

    I want to have hope, but with these constant triggers, it all seems pretty hopeless.
     
  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    123
    143
    43
    Yup - I feel like we could be delivering Meals on Wheels to a nursing home and my husband could find someone to ogle there. Everything is a trigger.
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Exactly how I feel, it doesn't matter when, where, someone is always there. Even if Wade isn't acting out or ogling at that moment, I can still get triggered, it's like PTSD.

    Freaking sucks.
     
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 347:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night our ongoing talks continued (so I won't repeat the words) as I accepted his embrace. We spoke and cuddled for over an hour, one thing led to another... then he had to go to work. I want to have faith and I want to believe, take him at his word, but it is all just so difficult sometimes.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Inspiring Reminder That In Life You Reap What You Sow", where the main point is, what you do every day, is more important then what you do once every decade.

    This morning I walked alone, Wade had to stay late at work. It's been a while since I walked alone and even though it was freaking freezing, it was a much-needed walk. I didn't realize just how much I needed to clear my head and just think. I got a chance to listen to two recovery podcasts: BAE's "Ep: 49 Lie Detector Test. Good Idea or Not?" and "Ep: 50 Don't Betray Yourself", as usual, both were full of a lot of great information and things to think about. The lie detector one was insightful, it wasn't something I considered because I always thought if I needed one for my spouse, our marriage was as good as over, but so many in the PA/SA recovery community use this and so many don't and both have valid reasons. They go over their own personal and professional opinions and explain if doing a polygraph makes sense. When is it or could it be useful? Is it unhealthy? does it help or hurt recovery etc., it was quite informative. Then the second one was just as good, especially for us SO's... it was about how we, "the betrayed" undermine ourselves and end up betraying ourselves, to accommodate our addicted partners. And the last thing you want to do is betray yourself after being betrayed. So they go over what does this look like, some examples that make you wonder, am I betraying myself without realizing it? and some ideas on how to stop. One thing Coby chimed in with, that I appreciated (since it was coming from him) was that when someone is in real recovery, they'll notice if their SO is betraying herself and bring it up because they don't want her to be stuck there since it fosters resentment and later distrust. Only an addict who is in sobriety or interested in acting out won't want to help their SO out of betraying herself, because at that point she is easier to manipulate. Wade, picked me up and told me he also listened to an interesting podcast of their's overnight, I do not recall the name but it was about trust and distrust and he said a lot of good points were made and he related to a few of them. He really wants to sign up for their paid service/help and I think we will now that he canceled his therapy service, as everyone he was being matched to was not helpful and all over the place.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Even though I almost turned into a popsicle, I made my walk and it felt so good.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    10 MINUTES THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 348:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Yesterday Wade gave me a little kick in the butt to start taking those classes that I've been wanting to start for a while now. We've narrowed some down and I'll be starting on Monday. I guess I have been procrastinating, but the truth is I'm constantly being pulled in multiple directions too by family and their needs, but I need to learn to put myself first. I also signed up for BAE's subscription service, so we have access to more content and ask them/other in the community questions. Later that night, we talked about the various podcasts that we listened to and then both of us listened to the YouTube video "6 Keys to Build Immunity to Narcissistic Abuse" which was pretty good, the keys are 1. Unsubscribe from their reality 2. Trust your reality 3. 100% self-responsibility for attitudes and actions and stay in integrity 4. Turn sense of approval inward - codependency busting 5. Clear boundaries - say No - Value self-respect over connection and 6. Share with others. Relieve isolation and denial - break the Trauma Bond.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Lana Shlafer: Answers The Question What Is Happiness", where she shed some light on the 'age old question what is happiness?'. Her main point? happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do - are all in harmony. Is happiness a thing? what does it actually mean? and is it sustainable? and even after listening, I still don't know if it's possible TBH.

    This morning I stayed home because we had a gaming event at the mall in the afternoon, so I knew I would get my walking in at that point. I took the time to write a long intro/set of questions to BAE, on their little Patreon community that I signed up for last night, it took a lot out of me, but I did it. I don't know if they'll respond, but it felt good getting it out there anyway. Then it was off to the mall for a gaming event, yes, another weekend evening at the mall, why do I do these things to myself? sigh, it's as if I'm asking for trouble. Of course, there were triggers here and there, the mall was packed but Wade and I had a really long and productive talk, while playing our game, so even though I did notice them all, I wasn't getting 'hit' as severely. You know, it just sucks, not having the simple freedom of going out to a mall without having micro panic attacks, although today was not as bad as it could have been, like other days due to my distractions I take it. He keeps making his case for how he sees me now and when we are alone, I want nothing more than to believe him... but when events like what happened at CVS a few days ago occur, that puts his words into question for me and my mind is put in doubt once more. I know he is making changes and putting in the work, I witness it day by day. He even told me about a possible trigger/urge he could have easily "forgotten" to mention in the midst of everything else going on the last few days (although he should have brought it up earlier) something that appeared in his manga comic app, which in the past has led to him PM'ing/looking for more erotic content under the guise of "comics", so I wouldn't get suspicious. But that's how he earns my trust, these little steps, they are building blocks for me. By telling me first, so I don't have to 'catch him' or 'discover' something, he is showing me I didn't make the wrong call on this. Cause we had a talk and I told him, so long as he wouldn't break any boundaries, he could use this app to read his comic that he really wanted to continue reading, all the while being unsure of where this could lead him, given his past with such things. I had to give him a bit of trust and hope he wouldn't break it and by being forthright about this with me, it gives me a lot more hope in giving him that trust. He brings up whether or not I can truly ever be happy with anyone else, after knowing/experiencing this kind of love and connection with him, to be honest, I doubt it and I wouldn't even try because I wouldn't allow anyone else in like this. I know he is working his ass off to be that man though, I feel the authenticity in what he says and does. He wants to be the one I was seeking out back when I decided I was done with the 'PA' because I finally picked ME! I wanted to be happy, once and for all. To be honest, I think if he stays THIS way and continues to be how he is, I do see myself being/getting to a place where I am really at peace, content and happy with him as a husband/partner/lover... as I said, how he is now - it's all I always wanted... I just don't know if I can ever truly be happy with all these nonstop triggers [thoughts] and doubts about where I stand in his mind compared to 'them'. I guess a state of confusion is where I'm stuck for now, and I know that times 'a' ticking.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Felt good being able to have difficult talks, about uncomfortable subjects without fear, shame, anger or resentment towards each other.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    Lana Shlafer - Sustained Happiness... is it possible for anyone?



    Lana Shlafer - Eliminate Self-doubt & Self Sabotage:


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 349:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we talked about where we are in recovery, the last few days, the day at the mall and how after talking to one of his AP's and thinking about it, the incident at CVS might have been his shame coming over, rather than getting uncomfortable because he wanted to ogle. Of course, from my perspective, when he gaslights me off the bat and doesn't tell me "I think I'm in shame" when I flat out ask him "are you having a problem?", what else am I to assume? I can tell he is being honest with me, so I want to believe him, but from my end of it, it's hard to tell if he really knows the difference himself at this point, meaning if he wanted to ogle or if he was just thrown into shame that day. I hope next time, he will tell me right away if he is in shame, instead of lying to me, so maybe I could empathize instead of assuming he wants to gaslight me like before, so he can check out someone else's ass. I love him so much, I want to give him the benefit of doubt, especially these days because he is not the same man anymore and I can see/feel that these days more than ever, a lot of changes are hard to ignore or dismiss as 'one-offs or flukes', because he is being consistent and has been for months. I just can't get past constant second-guessing because that means always questioning my security.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Owen Fitzpatrick: Controlling Your Mind", where the main point was getting a hold of your thoughts and winning the battle inside your own head. This was an interesting one because he spoke in rhythm like he was reciting a poem/rap, making it fun.

    This morning we walked, listened to BAE and talked, all in one fell swoop. He told me that he listened to BAE's "Ep: 49 Lie Detector Test. Good Idea or Not?" at night and agreed with a lot of their points, much like I did and mentioned in my post from two days ago. Then he wanted to listen to "Ep: 50 Don't Betray Yourself", I already heard it but he hadn't so we listened to it together, so we could discuss it as we go. The don't betray yourself podcast was about how we, "the betrayed" undermine ourselves and end up betraying ourselves, to accommodate our addicted partners. And the last thing you want to do is betray yourself after being betrayed. So they go over what does this look like, some examples that make you wonder, am I betraying myself without realizing it? and some ideas on how to stop. One thing Coby chimed in with, that I appreciated (since it was coming from him) was that when someone is in real recovery, they'll notice if their SO is betraying herself and bring it up because they don't want her to be stuck there since it fosters resentment and later distrust. Only an addict who isn't in 'real recovery' or in pure sobriety (with interests in) acting out won't want to help their SO out of betraying herself, because at that point she is easier to manipulate. It's one of the ways I can tell Wade is in real recovery because he hasn't been taking advantage of me when I am "acting out" in my old ways. One example would be - I have a tendency to just bottle everything up, deal with the pain myself and pretend everything is fine. My comfort is to just shut down and avoid discomfort, I rather watch TV. Before he lived for me to be this way because when I am numb and shut down, he can act out and I am a whole lot easier to manipulate. Now when I am in a mood and say I rather watch TV or I don't want to talk, he tells me no, that even if I don't want to talk, lets at least just lay together in bed and he can hold me and that helps, we end up talking a bit anyway, so he wins that lol.

    During the day I popped into the private S.O Discord group that I created a while back and spent the afternoon talking with another S.O in a similar boat and I have to say, it felt good and it was nice to share with someone who gets this life and the struggles.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Really loved that I finally felt motivated enough to pick up the pace on my design portfolio objectives.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    Mind Control: How to win the war in your head | Owen Fitzpatrick



    #Addiction
    6 Types of People To Avoid While Rebooting



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG][​IMG]
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 350:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we skipped our talk since we spoke a lot in the morning. Instead, he gave me a very pretty pedicure <3 which I enjoyed very much, I didn't even have to ask, it's still so strange for me, but I appreciate it a lot.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Rohn: Traits of Successful People", where the point is 'see with your eyes and you'll see things' -- see with your mind, you'll see answers', the difference between sight and insight. He pretty much talks with us about the traits of successful people, and why some people fail where others succeed.

    This morning we walked around the mall, listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 52 Is Sex Addiction Even A Real Thing?" and discussed it and shared our thoughts, it was an interesting one and we agreed with each other on a lot of points. They received a negative review from a guy, who in my opinion is in deep denial, but anyway, he is condemning them for automatically assuming just because people have a high libido or sex drive, they have a sex addiction. That isn't what they preach or talk about, I personally have a really high sex drive, however, I don't have a sex or porn addiction... I never stepped outside of my marriage (as depressed/lonely and miserable as I was! so I had all the reason to go for it if a high sex drive was justification alone.) so one thing has nothing to do with another, if multiple professionals listen to your story and all of them deem you a sex addict, perhaps it's time for some self-reflection? We talked about how different being authentically honest and vulnerable in the bedroom has really changed everything for us, just as in all other aspects of our relationship and what a difference it has made between doing things then and now. It was another productive walk and talk for us, we love those and days where we are rushing too.

    Then we went to our dentist appointment, then out to dinner. Once we got home, we had surprises waiting for the girls, they've been asking for and wanting: a hairdoable and L.O.L doll, they were so excited! their reaction to finding the toys was priceless lol

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Had no triggers today, what a relief.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Healing
    Responding vs. Reacting (How to avoid the narcissist's trap)



    Should I Stay My Husband Has A Sex Addiction


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 351:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we didn't talk much, he opted to give me a full body massage, I did not object (LOL :D). I let's just say I enjoyed it very much, no complaints, we had a small Q&A session piggybacking off the BAE podcast we listened to in the morning before we fell asleep.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Isaiah Hankel: Stay Away From Negative People", where he reminds us why we must stay away from negative people. His main point? stay away from negative people because they have a problem, for every solution. How? First, you have to cut out the downers, the negative people. Second, you have to cut out the distractors. Third, you have to get rid of the people who play the victim. Fourth, you have to stay away from know-it-alls. You know who I'm talking about, those people who never let you forget your past mistakes, and are always the first to tell you about everything that can go wrong. Then fifth and finally, please dump the drama queens. They're awful.

    This morning I started more in-depth lessons in my online class, which felt great. Then we ran some errands and stopped by CVS and BAM! there she was, a trigger, bright and early in the morning, not just any trigger - one of his prime types (body). From that point on my fairly, good mood (coming off of last night) was gone. Triggered twice in a CVS, within one week, how lucky am I? pfft. :rolleyes::mad: I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, it's frustrating and exhausting, I don't want to keep dealing with this shit anymore and to be honest, I don't know how much more my mental or internal health can take either. The anxiety levels are off the charts with these triggers/PTSD, it drives me crazy and with each one, I feel like less of a person, like I have no control of my own brain, I'm powerless and that makes me want to curl up and cry, but I can't because there's shit to do and life must go on, sigh. :( Then we went to the trail to at least get one round of our walk in, even though it was blistering cold. We turned on BAE's "Ep: 55 Cross Addiction? Tell Me That's Not a Thing!!!" which at first, both Wade and I thought was going to be about, how the SO gets addicted to something, because of her partner's behavior. That was not the case, this podcast was actually about how addicts who begin "recovery" but do it just to checkboxes ("sobriety not real recovery") -- not to get in trouble, often times substitute their PA, with another addiction like video games for instance. On the offset, one would think "well, it's better than porn and it's no longer him betraying me" but the connection is still missing, so is the effort and time being spent together. It's just as bad as PA, just minus the betrayal, because in the end the partner is still being ignored for hours at a time, while the addict is now numbing out to video games instead of connecting with her. Then we continued with our morning tasks, stayed under budget at the supermarket - which is always good.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Learned quite a bit from my new class that I have finally begun, kind of excited!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care:
    Isaiah Hankel - Stay Away From These 5 Types Of Negative People:



    #Healing
    What is Emotional Abuse?



    #Addiction
    Shawn Kingsbury - Addiction and Recovery: A How-to Guide:




    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  16. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear you were triggered again @Jagliana . Hopefully, he handled it better this time around. I guess we have to learn to live and accept the fact that we are always going to come across things that trigger us in some way. I think a big part of it is how your partner handles it. It was only on the weekend that we went to the beach, a place that is often a trigger for me because of the beach voyeur porn he spent so many years looking at. Anyway, we walked down to the sand and there were 4 topless women sunbathing, both to the left and to the right of us, and I was immediately triggered. It was not a nudist beach! Anyhow, we both handled it well and he did not ogle them. Looked at them only for a second, to realise they were there and then we walked straight ahead toward the water and then way further up the beach. I was able to get over it fairly quickly because he handled it well and therefore I felt safe and I knew that it's not his fault they were just laying there. So I guess a big part for us is just acceptance and telling ourselves that we are good enough, we don't have to compete or be anything other than what we already are. We are good enough and perfect just the way we are!! Xxx
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    Thank you for understanding! it really does suck. He actually handled himself a whole lot better this time, he wanted to hold me and comfort me, but I was triggered and it was too late on my end. I can't help it, my brain glitches at that point and it's like being on another planet, but I don't have to tell you that.

    OMG topless women on the beach, holy cow, yeah I don't think my triggered self would last long lol how long have you guys been in recovery/healing that you were able to walk through there and not fly off the handle? I am glad it smoothed over for you!

    <3
     
  18. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I think how he handles it makes all the difference.

    With regard to the topless women, I guess it really just depends on how we are doing at the time and what day you get me on. We'd been having a pretty good past few days. It's summer and highly likely to come across even when there not nudist beaches. It shouldn't be allowed. There's many families and children everywhere. I think the biggest thing is he realised immediately how I'd be feeling and so focused on me instead of them - I think that's the key and us SO's learning to accept there will always be these challenges. I think a lot of how I react to triggers is in proportion to how I'm feeling toward him at the time. So if things aren't going well between us I can be far more triggered by something much less because I'm feeling insecure and unsafe at the time. Then something like this I handle better because I'm feeling safe, like we are working together and understanding one another better.
     
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I will say that yes, how he reacts does play a huge role in the intensity I feel in my trigger. It is just really difficult for me to find my way back, once the trigger begins. I just wish I could snap these triggers away.
     
    HonestyMatters likes this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 352:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night we didn't talk, we watched two comedy specials instead, which was nice. We wanted to continue watching a series we were in the middle of ("Supergirl" which has been lacking), but I needed a comedic break, especially after the morning I had (trigger).

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Deciding What You Want: Discovering Your Purpose", which was a mix of well known motivational speakers - doing what they do best, inspiring you to figure it out! because when you know more, you can achieve more.

    This morning we had to take the little one to the doctor, so we couldn't do our usual morning walk and talk, so after dropping off the older one at school, we drove around a little longer, so we could talk a bit. We discussed the triggers and how he feels about me, how everything is different for him now that he is in recovery and without the porn fog, but as much as I want to believe him, after 12 years of one truth, this is just so difficult to believe/process. He told me that now it kills him to see and know how much pain he has inflicted on me and I actually believe that he feels it, when in the past he had no clue or wouldn't care if he did. The crazy part about all of this is getting upset or mad at him now, seems unfair because he is so different than the guy he was back then, like two different people completely. The confusing part about all of this for me is that sometimes when I talk to him about all of my triggers, feelings or any of this stuff - these days, it's as if I am talking to my new boyfriend, about my ex, whom I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with and this new boyfriend is here to help me process it, all of it is bananas.

    Watched some pretty good Trigger/PTSD videos today, I will share them below.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Still emotionally raw after the last few triggers, but still moving forward.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Healing
    Part 1 Overriding the anxiety from abuse and PTSD:



    Part 2 Overriding the dread from abuse and PTSD:


    Part 3 Using Brain Wave to help you calm the anxiety and dread from abuse and PTSD:


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     

Share This Page