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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I appreciate that, when I sit down to write, it just comes pouring out, good, bad or just flat out nonsensical, but it's honest and from the heart.

    He actually suggested we do the same thing, rewatch GoT before the new season hits, I told him "won't you get triggered with the early seasons?" and he said "I don't think so, I was fine before and those types of scenes don't trigger/bother me now" and I thought... well, last time we watched, you were still in the midst of your addiction, so of course GoT seemed "PC" lol. Anyway, as for Orange is the New Black or even GoT, for me, it's not super triggering, so long as the scene passes and we forget it, for me, it is when he wants "more" or at least, how I perceive it. Like the incident I mentioned, to rewatch it, to prove to me it was a certain character, after I said no 3 times, at that point, it says to me, that he WANTS to rewatch it, for other reasons. We watched some more episodes already and I've been fine and not triggered, his behavior plays a big role in my reactions too. I don't know if it is too early, but I would hate to nanny him about TV or movies too, this is a difficult position, as we are both into so many shows and in 2019 they are all super sexualized.

    Of course, I think what the speaker is referring to is more life goal oriented, career wise etc. So, don't spend your entire life trying to fulfill an ambition or dream to become an NBA player, when you are 5'3 and can't shoot a hoop if your life depended on it. However, if you noticed you cook a mean, focus on that, flourish that skill and perhaps you can become a 5-star chef instead.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  2. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Have you ever considered some sort of accountability software? I've been looking at several, and I am really interested in Truple - it takes random screenshots throughout the day, and you can set how frequently. Then it sends them all in a package to you. No way to hide, you get to see random samples of everything he is doing.

    There are other programs (right now I am using Covenant Eyes, and I like it), but something like that might really reassure you.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I have thought about it, at first thought/glance the idea was comforting and would make me feel better but after rationalizing it for some time, I began thinking about it this way: that for me, personally it would setback my self-care and healing - because I want to be able to learn to trust him at his word, trust my own intuition and I need him to learn/have self-control under any/all circumstances. If he knows that he has an app monitoring him, chances are he will be on his best behavior. That will make me feel better for a moment, while the app is running and active. In the long run, though, that safety will instantly go away if the app is removed, paused, glitchy for any reason because the trust was never really given to him, by either of us, it was given to the app because it kept us both "safe" or "in check", while active. For everyone it is different of course, I know my opinion is not a popular one and I completely understand why those accountability apps are good, needed for some and would give a good layer of safety and control back when so much of it was lost, for me, I'm at a point right now where I don't want to stay in a relationship with a man that I need to monitor for the rest of my life in order to feel safe. If I can not count on him to keep himself in check and in control, I rather just move on and be happy in a relationship where trust and safety are still intact. I hope I make sense and haven't offended anyone's position, it's just my take on it.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 359:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
      1/19/19 | 1/21/18
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk, we continued *gulp* watching OITNB and I'm happy to say, no further triggers or issues, so far. *knocks on wood*

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "A Reminder of the Many Benefits of Self Awareness", where various speakers give us some useful thoughts on the benefits of self-awareness. The main point? they want you to think about how - everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves because sometimes it can be like looking in a mirror.

    This morning, we had to go to the supermarket and a doctor's appointment for Wade... on the way to and from, we talked on and off. He spoke about how much he regrets all of the years wasted and how much he wishes he could relive them with me, how he is now. He wishes he would have been giving me love, attention, and both of us could have been truly happy for 12 years - instead of me being miserable and having to fake it, through all of those celebrations, vacations etc. Unfortunately, what's done is done, those years cannot be rewritten or forgotten, the betrayal trauma is with me now, forever. I get it though, now that he actually feels and is connected to me, it hurts to think about it. He promises that from now on, it will never be like that ever again, but I don't know if he can make that kind of promise. There are no guarantees in life, I feel like the relationship we have now is a complete 360 from what it was, it's the kind I've wanted all along. However, that 5% chance of getting hurt again because I know how much he is capable of inflicting... (especially after allowing myself to get this vulnerable) scares the crap outta me.

    This afternoon he had his first group session with Coby, he was nervous going in. I hope they were able to break the ice and he had a good first session. I can't wait to hear about it, I'm actually excited.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I gave him my okay for that WhatsApp because I understand how much he needed it, to be apart of Coby's group.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    What's The Perfect Relationship?



    #Motivation
    How to Dominate Self Awareness - Know your Strengths and Weaknesses faster:



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    Preach it! You are tough - we are all tough! I never wanted to be this tough....
    Yes
    And Yes.
     
  6. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    You are not alone in your feelings about this. I'm pretty much in the same camp, although I have seriously considered installing something in secret, simply as a way to find out the truth.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    Thank you for understanding and I know you truly do. I hope you are doing better today!~
     
    kropo82 and Susannah like this.
  8. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    I'm okay. I'm tough, remember?
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yes! :emoji_clap::emoji_clap::emoji_clap::emoji_muscle::emoji_muscle::emoji_muscle:
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 360:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
      1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
    Content | Annoyed | Proud | Disapointed | Frustrated | Vulnerable | Intimate | Confused | Worried | Content | Confused | Scared
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Last night, we watched Ashlynn & Coby's feelings wheel breakdown, because he wants me to join him in doing that feelings breakdown, daily. I really don't think it's needed or a big deal but he thinks it will be helpful, so I will go ahead a be a team player and do it. I will be adding it to the top portion of my entries. Then he told me about his first group session with Coby from BAE, he said he told his story, his WHOLE story, including his full disclosure, something he never thought he would ever tell anyone (what he planned to never tell me). I told him that I was proud of him for having the courage to share his story, aka speak his shame, face to face to strangers. What he did was a big deal, in my opinion, a big step in his recovery and I am really proud of him for it.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Today We Discuss The Secrets of Successful People", it's another mix of various voices with powerful messages on how to be successful. We hear from the likes of Idris Elda, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Serena Williams, and other celebrities. The takeaway? "In life, we don't get what we want, we get what we have to have."

    This morning, it was raining so we did a few kicks and talked. He told me he did something at work, he thought he would never do... he spoke up a bit. One of the guys at his job talked about some woman that they were objectifying and Wade couldn't contain his silence any longer, because of what the coworker said. I am proud of him but I worry this might make the work environment worse for him (around his coworkers). So the coworker was talking about this woman (how hot she was) that now, as soon as he gets home he'll have to have sex with his wife. So, Wade jumped in and said "wait, so you need to first look at another woman, in order to be able to have sex with your own wife?" and he said the coworker got all defensive "that's not what I meant" and others that were around chimed in that Wade is talking smack because he is "whipped" by his wife and isn't allowed to look at others etc. I think they've been bitten by the guilty conscience bug. I am very proud of him, between yesterday and today, it's safe to say he has had a lot of growth with his personal PA recovery. Then... just like that, my high was short lived... :( because then he started talking about all his changes, which were good but... how he doesn't even care for things like going to the bar with his coworkers anymore etc, then all of a sudden he begins by saying how he would like to go to a bar though, maybe with one of his old friends, which normally isn't an issue... then he got a bit too excited and the mental (and verbal gymnastics) began... where he was outright planning possible days he could go to the bar with his friend... so he blurted out "maybe next week, oh but that's my 1 week recovery anniversary, so no" "umm maybe in two weeks... but I think that's valentines day" "hmm maybe you and I will go out on the 1 year recovery anniversary, and since I have an extra day off, the next night I will see if I can go to the bar and hang out with him that day"... I'm sitting there... silently at first because I'm listening, thinking (processing what I'm hearing) and I start to feel my insides becoming piping hot at the audacity. Then I can't place my feelings for a moment and it hits me that, #1 we don't have the money for him to go out twice in one week... then he keeps talking and rambling, I lost focus by that point and in my head I was like... wait a fucking minute, so let me get this straight... after we have a "high" of celebrating this one year anniversary and you have an opportunity the next day to plan something else for us to do together while we have time, to continue this connecting moment... you rather leave me sitting at home alone, wondering what you could be doing or who you could be ogling... at a bar with your buddy... so, translation to me, I'm not priority, AGAIN, the dinner is just a box to check off, get it over with, then the next day, he gets to go out and what, I stay at home alone and twiddle my thumbs? I was enraged. I am so tired of these emotional roller coasters, it is so fucking exhausting. He just doesn't get it, just like with the trigger from a few days ago, he does not look BEYOND to see what could happen based upon possible decisions he makes, he just does not bother thinking ahead about how his decisions might affect me or us. I am tired of being put last, I was last our entire marriage, I will no longer tolerate it. I told him, at this point, I don't even feel like going anywhere to celebrate, then he told me to please think about it because he's been preparing for this night for so long and etc. I told him I would think about it, I'm so frustrated, the last two weeks have been so challenging. I don't think he gets how it feels from my perspective, instead of planning events for us, he put his friend before me, just like old times, that stings.

    Then we ended up having another big breakdown moment, where we talked because, well, he wouldn't stop talking - look, I got very triggered but he began trying to justify what he was "trying to say" "thinking out loud", "implying", etc. Then that turned into how he is still trying to work on this, he spent his entire life being selfish and it is difficult to think ahead for him, but he is changing everything else, he doesn't see why this won't change. It's been a year though, so I don't know... I understand that it is frustrating for him and me, both, but we had a similar discussion just two days ago, there are just some things, that he may not be able to change. I will be the first to admit that he has changed a lot and when things are good, they are great - but when he does things like this, err not so great. We both got really emotional, vulnerable and I told him how I felt, he told me how he felt and how he is trying so hard, all he wants is me and to make me happy. I do believe that he is being honest and sincere, but sometimes, his actions just don't add up and I get that it's still only year one and he is still learning (so am I) but those certain actions really remind me of the past, one I promised myself, I would not have a part of, any longer. I want to be put first and I want to be happy, for once in my life. I love him, I am so proud of him and all of the huge changes that he has made so far, which by all accounts are remarkable and ones I never saw coming - but there are still some things, when it comes to his behavior towards me, inconsiderate actions that show me I am still not a priority in his thought process, unless he has ample time to think about it or plan accordingly, which is a tough pill to swallow.

    We are coming up on one year, that's a big fucking deal in this addiction... he hasn't watched P or done M - no small feat at all, it is a major accomplishment. I am extremely proud of him and best of all, he wasn't even doing this to prove anything to me, he has been doing it because he wanted to be rid of this addiction for himself. I was so excited to spend that evening with him and the days that followed... but now, it's tainted for me, I have a lot to think about and work through in the next few days - because this was not how I was expecting to go into this dinner, like - emotionally, I was actually excited and looking forward to it, until this morning that is. I don't know how I am going mull over this trigger and the feelings of... feeling...insignificant and unimportant compared to other people, still. So much to process.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: BAE responded to me about my triggers, I have some things to think about.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    Stephanie Lyn Coaching - How to Handle Emotional Triggers



    #Motivation
    13 Best Motivational Books to Read in 2019:



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Truth? Ironic? who knows?
    [​IMG]
     
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 361:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
      1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
    Content | Rushed | Inquistive | Peaceful | Sensitive | Aroused | Annoyed | Stressed | Amused | Peaceful | Hopeful | Tired
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Last night, he gave me a soothing back rub, which was much needed, my back has been in disarray for over a week. He told me it had nothing to do with the events of earlier in the day, that he planned to do it before the trigger happened... it was just a coincidence - I hope so, I'm taking him at his word. He did most of the talking, I listened, spoke briefly, I wanted to really hear what he had to say. It has been a really rough week for us, ironically on the heels of the one year recovery anniversary, it's like we are being tested, on purpose. He opened up to me again, got really emotional and vulnerable, this is all still very strange for me; seeing him that way, I'm so used to a robot-like husband, who only cared about himself. Afterward, we had another difficult but honest conversation about sex. Sometimes, he feels after certain situations if I go for it or we 'do it', it is because I am trying to gain back some sort of control, which we've heard happens in victims of betrayal trauma. So, his shame begins to take over and he always ends up asking me "are you sure you wanna do this?" because he is afraid if I do it for the wrong reasons, I will end up regretting it or even resenting him. I've told him this before, but I explained it to him again, that for me, vulnerability leads to connection, which leads to intimacy which inevitably turns me on... and one thing leads to another, so... and I brought up a few examples, including our most recent one. The night where he gaslights me after the trigger from the tv show, I felt disconnected from him to the point where I didn't want to hug him at night. If I used sex in order to regain a sense of control, that would have been the situation for me to do it, but I did not because - I felt disconnected, so that should help him separate those thoughts/feelings, if I am upset or feeling disconnected, I am not in a mood to do anything of that sort. In any event, I said to him that if shame takes over for HIM, we don't have to be intimate and I won't take it as a rejection either, he could just start telling me that he is in shame and I'll get it. After that... we had an amazing 'connecting' moment... it was so connecting, that something felt different about it, I don't know exactly what but in a good way.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Darryl “DMC” McDaniels: How to Be Your Own Hero", where he talks about how to be your own hero. His main point? your life is 100% your responsibility, no one is coming to save you, so you must plan and act accordingly.

    This morning, after dropping the girls off at school, we drove down to the mall so we could walk, talk and be WARM! he told me about his night at work, how the guys keep busting his balls about various things, including calling him names because they believe that he is acting the way that he is because he is under my 'spell' or 'control' aka whipped, sigh. Perhaps if they had the kind of sex, where you can't tell the difference if you are having an orgasm or a heart attack, they would prefer to run home too... anyway, so we again spoke about the trigger from yesterday. Then, we went through all of the changes he has made, how he realizes more and more all of the reasons why he never wants to go backward, because every time he witnesses his coworkers acting out nowadays, it just repulses him now - when merely a year ago, he would have been involved in, said 'repulsive' activities. My spidey senses can tell he was being honest... then he inquired if I figured out how last night was different because I mentioned it to him and I told him at that point, I still was not sure, it felt good, that's all I know lol. We had a pretty long and good talk. I realize how different he is, I tell him all the time, it feels like I'm with a new man, constantly talking to him about my ex.

    I got a response back last night, to a question I posted about triggers to BAE. So today, I responded back to BAE, they said: "Jag triggers are a great indicator that work still needs to be done...healing is still needed. This is the healing from within you from all the "betrayal. Addiction is the thief of self-worth as is a betrayal. If triggers still exist and you believe your husband is still being honest, less this issue, then you must work through those triggers and issues as they are the wounds you have from the effects of his addiction. As for you not believing him that you are his type...also that is an issue you must work through if indeed he is being honest. A "type" of a woman in porn is not a reality. He can say for sure that he loves you as he sees you for who you are but you have to get on board with loving you deep down inside to believe you are enough for him as that is what he is telling you. This is not your fault. You are enough. You have been hurt but you can heal from this. Find a CSAT that specializes in betrayal trauma and EMDR and you will be on the right road." Kind of didn't really answer my actual question, but I appreciate the response either way.

    Later in the afternoon, something in my gut was like "you wanna go take a nap Jag, you have time, kids are in school, so go now!" ... so I did... then I laid down, hugged Wade tightly, but I didn't wanna let go, then a few minutes go by and I found myself caressing him... everywhere I could get my hands on... and I just couldn't stop. As I laid there doing that I realized, wait a minute, I never wanted to really take a nap - I wasn't tired at all, I just wanted to be close to him and feel him up at that moment, then I began getting a little too excited so... I decided it was time to get back up and exit asap LOL. :oops::p haha!

    Listened to BAE's "Ep: 60 How and Why the Addict Breaks Boundaries" podcast, one line that really struck me was [in respect to always being authentic and rigorously honest with each other], how a lot of us aren't because: "We care more about keeping the relationship happy and intact, then we do about our own truths". This whole podcast was very informative for both the betrayed and recovering addicts on why boundaries are important and when Coby breaks down and gets vulnerable towards the end, reminded me of how Wade got last night - it really touched my heart. Then it sort of hit me, after last night, I might have felt super connected to him, even more than usual because even though in the last week we've had more issues than in the last few months, the talks afterward have been so rigorously honest, vulnerable and emotional that it's been supercharging my connection. And what is my personal, biggest boundary, that I have set since day 1? HONESTY, no matter what. So, whether I like it or not, honesty is what I ended up with, instead of lies, even if it comes out through pain and tears, it's the truth and it's the one thing I haven't had from him ever, pre-recovery. It hit home after the last few days we've had, so I think that may have been what I felt, this podcast and what was said cleared it up for me.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Even with my trigger and reservations, I said yes to going on Tuesday; tentatively.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    How to Find the Superhero Within | Darryl "DMC" McDaniels:



    #Music
    R.E.M - Losing My Religion



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
    Jacob William Jr likes this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 362:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
      1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
    Tired | Playful | Hopeful | Optimistic | Trusting | Successful | Overwelmed | Frustrated | Helpless | Stressed | Sleepy | Content
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Last night, we did not talk, we continued watching season 6 of Orange is the New Black. Towards the end of the episode we were watching, there were a few scenes with scantily clad women, I didn't get triggered (oddly enough) but the scene came and went. Then it was time for Wade to get ready to go to work. As he was about to leave, he paused and exhaled and said I need to say this, I felt a lot of shame during those last few scenes. I listened to him, he said he didn't get triggered, but the thought of what I could have been possibly thinking [about what he was thinking as he was looking at those women, like during my triggers], had shame coming over him, pretty bad. Afterward, I told him I was glad he told me, I appreciate honesty and he didn't have to carry this shame with him to work, where it could lead him to act out in other ways and not even realize that this was why (harboring these feelings).

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Insight Into The Habits of Highly Successful People", where Mel Robbins and Steve Bartlett provide some insight into the habits of highly successful people. The main point? you'll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.

    This morning, we discussed my epiphany from the last podcast I heard from BAE about boundaries and how I've connected the dots between that and the new, good feeling I had recently. How I came to the realization that it is because of his consistency (about remaining honest through these setbacks), back to back, which is in keeping with my main boundary, that may have made my connection to him become even stronger and made me feel safer. Then we listened to "Ep: 63 Change. Interested or Committed?" and spoke about it as well, they go through the differences between working yourself up to change, planning to do it "on Monday" then you know, Monday never comes vs really wanting to do it and going for it, right then and there, because the right motivation is behind you.

    In the afternoon I watched "4 Pillars for Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse" and the 4 pillars she went through were:
    1. Self-esteem; to improve these aspects, take action and take control of your life.
    2. Self-worth & self-respect; to improve these aspects, practice courage, define values, set boundaries.
    3. Self-trust; listen to your intuition and be aware of feelings at the moment (emotionally in the moment).
    4. Self-love, care & acceptance; care for your body, don't compromise your integrity, beware of self-negative talk.
    All of which is interesting and easier to listen to, agree with, than apply LOL but I am trying so hard.

    Towards the evening I was stressed out, exhausted and overwhelmed, I wasn't feeling too well, both kids were home, and Wade was sleeping... the little one was driving me nuts the whole day, sigh, man - I was waiting for it to be time for him to wake up, so bad... just so I can get a little bit of relief.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Feeling good about my empathy yesterday, then feeling even better when Wade found out and told me he thinks it's a step forward for my healing/us hope so.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    10 Brain Hacks from the World’s Highest Achievers:



    #Healing
    4 Pillars for Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse



    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 363:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
      1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
    Sleepy | Tired | Excited | Energetic | Annoyed | Stressed | Nervous | Worried | Content
    _______________________________________________________________________

    Last night, we didn't talk, we continued watching our show. We spoke a lot earlier in the day. The show obviously continued where we left off and it was right at the scene that triggered his shame the night before. So, this time I asked him if he was okay and he said that because we spoke about it and I told him I was fine, he was okay this time. Midway through the second episode, I was just in the mood to cuddle, so I just said it and he turned the tv off and that's what we went ahead and did. He held me in his arms and it felt so good... both of us agree that even something like that is a big change, a good one. In the past, even a few months ago, I may have wanted to cuddle, I probably would have been trying to throw out some hints and he would not have gotten it, I would have been left upset and resentful, he would have gone to work without knowing any better. These days, I wanted to cuddle, I said it, straight up and we did it.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Rohn: List of Life Skills Everyone Should Learn", where he takes us through his list of life skills that he believes everyone should learn. He believes that searching and learning is where the miracle process begins. His list? 1) Learn the power of purpose. 2) Self-Confidence. 3) Enthusiasm (90% inside/10% outside). 4) Expertise.

    This morning, Wade had to stay at work, I was able to get away for a little and go for my walk as my parents sat with the kids. I made a few rounds, then joined a few gamers for a raid. As I walked, I listened to BAE's podcast: "Top 5 Signs Trust is Lacking in Your Relationship" which was an important one, not just for the recovering addict, but it had plenty of tips for the betrayed too. They talk a lot about both sides having to take steps to become vulnerable, which for the betrayed is so difficult after trust has been shattered. However, without it, if you stay stuck and don't risk peeking over that wall you've put up or put a door in it, you will never be able to experience vulnerability, whether it would be to give or receive it - which means no trust, no connection, no intimacy etc. So as difficult as a hurdle as it is to cross, I found this very thought-provoking quote so true: "In order to actually rebuild trust after betrayal... it's so hard, it's so tricky and scary... but in order to actually know that there is trust and safety there; again, you're going to have to take that risk, you're going to have to get vulnerable, to see if it's real and the more real it is, the more deep you can get in your relationship, the more connection you can have". - Brandon, The Expert (BAE). This stood out to me because I had to do this, I had to take this risk months ago - knowing full well just how f*cked over I could have been if he hurt me again, but had I not, I would not have experienced the intense connection we have now.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Didn't feel well, was starting to give myself, plenty of excuses to stay home, but I - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1'd it and went out for my walk.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    If You're Struggling With Self-Worth:



    Jim Rohn - The Ultimate List of Leadership Attributes Every successful person MUST HAVE:


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
     
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  14. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Do you feel that you suffered "narcissistic abuse"?
    Do you feel that Wade was/(?is?) a narcissist? ... if so, what are Wade's thoughts about it--have you two talked about this particular topic [him being a narcissist]?
     
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Yes, he was extremely selfish about everything, it was always about him and getting his needs met all the time, completely disregarding my feelings. Even now, we are still struggling because he can't think ahead to how his actions (or inactions) might affect me.

    He got this trait from his parents though, they are very self-absorbed.

    I personally do feel that I lived with a narcissist for our entire marriage, sadly. We've touched on the topic, but I think being a narcissist and a PA kind of go hand in hand, I don't know if @Wade W. Wilson would agree with that.
     
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  16. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your thoughts...and I am curious what Wade's thoughts are -- I'm sure he'll chime in when he can.

    My wife has brought up the term narcissist with me quite a bit .. Covert Narcissist (CN) specifically...and I do think a good bit of the description of a CN describes me.

    But the other question I keep coming back to--regarding me, my behavior for 20 years and my wife:
    * I am recognizing more and more how much I have failed as a husband over the last 22 years .. Am I really the monster / the horrible husband that I perceive my wife views me to be?

    ..

    Maybe it's a naive question -- maybe it's an immature question: if my wife perceives me to be a monster -- I was a monster. (and until proven otherwise..still continue to be)

    ..

    I use the word "monster" -- because that is what I view a stereotypical Narcissist to be.
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    Well, my next journal post will have a lot to do with another big whopper of his narcissist behavior, although I don't label it as such per se.

    In my opinion, I wouldn't label you or Wade a 'monster' if you are finally aware of your behavior and trying making changes [aka in recovery], after all of the motivational/self-care videos I've watched, one thing you get out of them all is that everyone is a good person by nature, however, over time and from circumstances we become a product of our environment, turn into our addictions, etc - the characteristics are manipulative and let's just face it - evil towards others, so we, the betrayed who are on the receiving end of all of the bad behaviors for years upon years - of course only see you through that lens, hence why it's called abuse... but if you show us that if those behaviors are removed from the equation, through recovery, we can see that behind every "monster" there has been a good man there all along, he was just being controlled too. However, we have to see you really fighting for that good guy to be brought up to the surface and keep him there, for good.

    I hope I make sense.
     
  18. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Well, I agree I was a huge narcissist for the whole marriage. All I thought was about myself and my needs, I never thought how my action or inaction affects my family. I pushed her far away from myself and helped her to build the wall around herself. I am trying to change myself but I still act out inconsiderably and ending up hurting Jag. I really don't want to be who I was, I want to be a man how makes her smile and happy, not cry and sad. I am trying to learn from my mistakes, but unfortunately, it's taking too long and too many tried to learn the lesson. I strongly agree that PA and narcissist go hand to hand, I think that narcissism thrives on addiction and grows on it.
     
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  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 364:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
      1/19/19 | 1/21/18 | 1/24/2019 | 1/27/2019
    • Daily talk with my husband. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here. :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
      Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
      Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
    • Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
    Betrayed | Empty | Helpless | Excluded | Worried | Stressed | Depressed | Provoked | Disrespected | Furious | Powerless | Hurt
    _______________________________________________________________________

    So triggered atm, where do I begin... last night, well... throughout the day, things just felt off for me and I didn't know why - my gut sensed something just wasn't right. He was a work and I was at home. I kept sending him messages if everything was okay if anything was wrong on his end - he kept saying everything is good. I thought, maybe the closer we get to tomorrow (1 year recovery anniversary) the weirder I feel, who knows. Then he got home, he was super tired, which was to be expected but he said he's been eating junk food all day, which isn't normal for him, so he asked me if I thought he was numbing out and I said "I don't know, you have to think about it - dd you act out or did something happen that you feel like you need to numb out to?" and he said he doesn't think so but isn't sure. I was done with my journal, so I went to lay on our bed while he was finishing up his. He turned to me and began telling me how he thinks he knows why he was probably numbing out with food because he doesn't feel accomplished/balanced with recovery work today. He feels guilty that he watched his tv show instead of doing more recovery work because then he ended up getting super busy at work and didn't have time to do more recovery work later etc. I said, well yeah that could be it. Plus, he ended up having to stay at work even longer, over time, so he was overworked, tired etc and I know that's a horrible cocktail for a recovering addict. Anyway, he was done with his journal, went to smoke, took longer than usual, came back in and told me it took him that long to work on a challenge we've both been doing... a 30-day gratitude photography challenge. I let that go, I also let go the fact that he mentioned seeing my post, which included him in it... well us and he didn't react to it at all, I brushed it off as him being 'tired'. Then he's been trying to ask Coby if he could move the time for the men's group so I asked him if he has heard anything about that and he said no, but let me check if he said anything new. He opens that WhatsApp app and starts scrolling through it, as he is doing that I notice his last message which was "I had 6 slips"... which he never mentioned to me at all when I ask every day about how his night went (and HE KNOWS what I mean). I was shocked, to say the least, so I said "you had 6 slips?" he blurts out "you weren't supposed to see that"... I felt like my insides were being ripped out of me - when those words came out of his mouth. Mind you, as his 'AP', he has shared worse with me and we've worked through it, so it isn't the slips that bothered me... but the lying/hiding of said facts, that did - because it calls into question what I thought my reality was for the last few months, as I have been misled apparently. My brain began tail spinning straight into "Yup, you fell for this shit, yet again, good job dummy" -- then him ignoring the Facebook post began making sense too, and deflecting my questions throughout the day with "everything is good" yet at home telling me he is numbing out, everything just started making more and more sense. I literally, just a few days ago told him my reservations about that app, I told him no games then a few days later, he's already keeping secrets on there, that 'I wasn't supposed to see or know about'... don't you just love how this shit works? and it is not like he warned me about any of it, like "hey babe, listen, Coby said we need to tell him _____ which I know we haven't really been discussing "because it hasn't been a problem for me these last few months", but do you want me to bring it up with you too or just keep it in group" [if he truly thought it was no big deal] but of course, that didn't happen. Just when I was just getting to a place where I finally was feeling safer, I thought I was in a better place... because after that boundaries podcast I felt like, no matter the setback, he was still being truthful, which meant he was not breaking my main boundary... only to just find out, the very next day, that he has been breaking it, for God knows how long now, knowingly "or not" [because I had been asking]. The thing is... I fight every fiber in my body, to be honest with him and not bottle up my feelings, even when it is difficult - good or bad days... [and it is DIFFICULT FOR ME, a struggle, but I still push through and do it, even when I don't want to and he says no, let's talk - I still do it instead of saying NO!] -- I am tired of always getting the shit end of the stick. He's always sorry, 'he never means for something to happen', he never takes the time to consider, think twice etc., circle back or wonder how I might perceive something (even after numerous talks about it) he only see's it once I break it down, yet on this particular subject, we've gone into specifics, plenty of times - I don't ask him about his night for my own fucking health or healing, because obviously it doesn't help me, I do it because I want to support him and help him stay accountable. This whole time I was under the impression that things were one way, however, they were not - at all. I was so excited and actually looking forward to tomorrow because one year clean is a big recovery milestone, our relationship, plus my breakthrough (or so I thought)... well I was excited up until the last few days. Now, don't get me wrong I'm still happy to celebrate him reaching this day for his recovery (it is a great accomplishment and for that, I am proud of him and all of his hard work) reaching 1 year clean without relapse for a PA is big, so I will toast to his success, that's for sure. As for myself, I think I need to reevaluate wtf is wrong with my gut feeling because it is obviously glitching or it would have sensed all of this earlier. I need to reevaluate my self-care, healing and emotional state.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Helpful Tips On How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude", the motivators at Skillopedia give us some very helpful tips on how to be assertive without being rude. Remember, the word no is a complete sentence. 1) Be confident, but don't overdo it (don't come off rude or snobbish). 2) Have clear boundaries. 3) Use your manners, always. 4) Speak up for yourself/Stand up for yourself. 5) Believe and trust in your instincts. :emoji_joy::rolleyes: 6) Stop being so angry. 7) Remember your end goals, over everything else!

    This morning, I was still upset, triggered, angry, depressed - a clusterfuck of emotions, I don't even know what I was feeling. We went to the mall so we can walk, it was too cold to walk in the park. He kept talking and repeating himself, a lot... pointing out how he didn't knowingly lie, that he didn't think he needed to tell me about this stuff because he felt if he had it under control and it wasn't a "problem" for him, that it wasn't important enough to report to me as a "slip". The only incidents he felt he had to come to talk to me about were the ones where he had issues, loss of control or shame or where he stood up to his co-workers etc. In my book, if you are slipping often, even if you "have it under control", it is still a slip, therefore it is still a problem. How am I going to determine how far you've come on the ogling front when you are "figuring it all out" on your own? because here I was, thinking he was only having issues once or twice a month, barely even having any slips, he was really getting a handle on this, meanwhile, I'm getting triggered like crazy all the time and was actually shocked/amazed how easy it was for him, after being a serial ogler for decades. I want to believe that this was just a "flub" and an "innocent omission", but I asked him almost every day, but when Coby asked, he is suddenly aware and counted up to six in one night? gtfo. What's the point of an AP at all, technically speaking he doesn't need to mention any urges or triggers either if he didn't act out/relapse, right? I said that and then it hit him and he agreed with me and said that made sense. Ogling was a serious problem for him, which made it a notorious problem for me, now I feel blind-sided because, just like before I'm been living in one reality, while he has been living in his own. Yes, he claims he has been honest with me about many other things from shame, urges, triggers etc and we've talked about numerous things, but as much as all of it felt authentic and true, one lie is enough to question all truths. He does not, and he can not understand just how difficult it is for someone who has spent their entire relationship, being on this side of it -- always being manipulated, lied to, gaslight, you name it... to finally feel a sense of hope or relief because they think they are finally getting truth, to then discover, again, that that was a lie again!

    I love him to death, the last year has been a fucking emotionally nauseating neck snapping roller coaster ride, I've felt feelings I've never felt before and never thought I would (at least not with him). We developed a friendship like never-before, we could talk for hours about anything [vulnerable, honest, comfortable or uncomfortable] or we could just lay in each other's arms and say nothing, both feeling at peace. Go to sleep alone, but still not feel alone, unlike before. I've felt love, connection, and intimacy that was burning hot, have had the best sex ... ever... however, I have also felt pain, unmatched to anything I've ever felt before, the triggers and thoughts that come along with them are unbearable at times - they make me question everything. I guess the point is, a year later and I still don't know what the hell to do, like what the fuck am I doing? should I be hopeful for a better 'us' or is it a delusion and I am just setting myself up for continued pain and suffering... or is it going to get better at some point, ever? I just don't know. Should I just stick to the plan I set out? which will inevitably hurt too, now that I've known what real connected love is, to just lose it forever. Coño Carajo. :emoji_face_palm::emoji_tired_face::emoji_head_bandage:

    Ironically this came up for me when I first opened Instagram today, sigh:
    [​IMG]

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Didn't breakdown, as much as I wanted to.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivation
    How to be Assertive without being Rude:



    Who Really Loves You For You?


    #Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  20. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    :(:(:(
     
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