Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 388:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Joyful | Playful | Frustrated
Partner: Curious | Frustrated | Guilty
Professional: Helpless | Worried | Nervous
Person: Sensitive | Fragile | Depressed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Celebrating Wade's birthday, the first one in real recovery.
2) Keeping my head up!
3) For making it through the family gathering!
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First, I would like to wish @Wade W. Wilson a Happy Birthday! love you and I hope, even though my mood was sour, you still had a good day.

Last night, because we spoke so much in the morning, we watched some TV and he gave me another soothing foot rub. I was still paranoid, anxious, full of regret about asking for that rush fee from my client, so I was still so distracted.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Les Brown: On How To Develop a Growth Mindset", in this episode, we get an inspiring message from Les Brown about how to develop a growth mindset. Remember, if life knocks you down try to land on your back because if you can look up you can get up.

This morning, we went for a face paced walk and talk, before the afternoon festivities for his birthday. We tried to listen to a Terry Crews interview on YouTube, but the sound was so bad that we had to stop. So we just piggybacked off of what we heard from that interview so far and had a really good conversation about his past and full disclosure too. Then we stopped by the arts & craft store to pick up the piece we did on Valentine's Day. There I got triggered, there was a girl there and the way Wade looked in her direction, appeared to me like he 'slipped' and then within a second he quickly turns to me, starts holding me and talking about everything behind me and to the side of me, as if it "distract me" from her being there or him looking there at first etc. The minute we got out, I said "I think you slipped" and immediately he went on the defensive and gaslighting, then just as fast he goes "I'm sorry, now I'm gaslighting, I don't want to do that, it's not what I mean to do" etc. It was confusing overall, we spoke about it and I didn't want to deal with it at the moment, because I didn't want to ruin his birthday. It was bad enough my mood is shit over my client, now this trigger/gaslighting... I just wanted to make it all go away, at least for a day, so he can have a good birthday, happy and drama free. It seems that the more I want that, the more shit keeps getting in the way of it.

This whole work thing, not hearing back from the client, either way - has me feeling all kinds of ways. I feel a lot of regret, sadness and a feeling of loss/emptiness. All because I asked for a stupid rush fee, granted it is a lot of work for such a short amount of time, but maybe I overstepped, I don't know. I feel guilty, for being the asshole who ruined his birthday with my shitty mood, even when he claims he is fine -- I don't buy it, I know he does not like seeing me in this condition, so I know it is affecting him. I wish I never asked for the fee, I wish she emailed me about this job next week instead, ugh so much is going through my mind right now, freaking sucks.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Kept it together in front of the family.

#Motivational
Kyle Cease - You're Only Manipulating Yourself!


Les Brown - Mindset Shifts That Will Improve Your Life!


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 389:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Stressed | Amused | Joyful
Partner: Free | Loving | Intimate
Professional: Focused | Creative | Proud
Person: Tired | Free | Content

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) An extra two nights with Wade.
2) Getting one of my two projects done.
3) My little one enjoying her coloring book.w
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Last night, was quite an emotional roller coaster. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, it was Wade's birthday, his family was over and I was still reeling off of my work issue and trigger from earlier in the day. I sat down to continue working after everyone had left, Wade sat down at his desk to do his journal. I was still feeling guilty that I was in such a shitty mood all day and figured that was the reason Wade was also out of whack. He puts his head down and starts making noise, so I turn to him and asked "are you having a headache?" and he responded with "no, I'm just drained and overwhelmed at the same time"... I thought it was because of me, but he broke down and got really emotional. Having his family over, after all of these realizations on just how much his childhood had affected him and his PA... having to 'fake it till ya make it', really took a toll on him. That was why he wasn't himself, feeling down and hugging me towards the end. I was under the impression that it was due to me, but after our talk, I now understand where it was coming from. Having his parents over, was a situational trigger for him, it is the first time it hit him this hard - since the recovery began. Perhaps it was because of the Terry Crews video we started yesterday, but neither of us is really sure. I heard him out and tried to be there for his as best as I could. We ended the night on a very real, connected, loving, vulnerable and touching note.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Author Vikki Carrel On How to Be More Assertive", in this episode, Vikki Carrel discusses how to be more assertive without coming across as aggressive. Assertive Communication is the ability to honestly express your feelings or opinions without anxiety or anger. She makes a point to say that assertive communication should not be confused with aggressive behavior. Assertive behavior is clear and direct communication. Remember, you get in life what you have the courage to ask for.

This morning, we went on our walk, as we did, we listened to half of "Terry Crews: Success, Accountability, and Toxic Masculinity with Lewis Howes" -- so far, it is great, very emotional, raw and very relatable for any PA. It is bringing up a lot of "yep, I know exactly what he means" from Wade, as well as "yeaaaaaaaaahh, I know what Terry's wife was going through" from me. Tonight we plan on finishing the whole video and continuing our discussion.

I also wanted to add... if anyone is not watching/following Tom Bilyeu of "Impact Theory" on YouTube, I highly recommend it... I have watched interview after interview and there has not been one so far, where I have not learned something new, valuable and good.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Stayed focused on completing the work I had to do, even with various distractions.

#Motivational
5 Phrases for Becoming Assertive!


Terry Crews: Success, Accountability, and Toxic Masculinity with Lewis Howes


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 390:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Joyful | Exhausted | Playful
Partner: Loving | Inquisitive | Accepted
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Energetic | Free | Overwhelmed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Leftovers that have saved us some money!
2) My little is feeling better.
3) My mood is better about the client situation, thanks to Kyle Cease.
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Last night, we finished watching "Terry Crews: Success, Accountability, and Toxic Masculinity with Lewis Howes" and it was really a great video and I recommend anyone in recovery to check it out. At around 51 minutes in, he breaks down how forgiveness and accountability go hand-in-hand, how one needs the other, to be authentic, he said it so well, I have to quote him [I sliced it up because it was a lot, watch the video for the whole thing]: "The big-big thing about forgiveness is that it's not for him or them, it's for you, it's for you! Now forgiveness and accountability go hand in hand, what people think is *forgiveness means now I'm free* no it doesn't, in fact, holding you accountable as a part of forgiveness... maybe you would bring someone back in your life if they showed accountability for a while and you felt like it was sincere and true." Wade and I really enjoyed the interview and discussing it. He promotes a book that he wrote on there too, I bought for Wade, it is called "Manhood: How to Be a Better Man-or Just Live with One" and it is about everything he brings up in the interview, but especially toxic masculinity - a good read for both males and females alike.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Oprah Winfrey And Others: You Are The Creator Of Your Own Destiny", in this episode, various motivational speakers and celebrities remind us that we are the creator of our own destiny. Remember, whatever we decide we want to do is what we do.

This morning, we went for our walk and talk and listened to BAE's podcast, "Ep: 73 Healthy Sex...What is it Really?" another good one that led to a great discussion for Wade and I. When it comes to sex, every person will of course have a different opinion, set of beliefs, wants and needs. Add on a layer of betrayal and addiction and sex can go to an unhealthy place with loads of emotion and resentment. Brandon guides this discussion on what healthy and unhealthy sex looks like, with Ashlynn and Coby chiming in with their own personal experiences. For Wade and I, we actually had a really open, honest and vulnerable talk on the matter, early on in recovery - which helped us both in the long run. We both think it is extremely important to be authentically honest with what you like, dislike etc in the bedroom, because if you are not, you will end up hating it, resenting each other and just checking boxes to "get it over with". When you are having sex and are both 100% in it, it makes a world of difference.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
A monstrous zit took over my forehead, but I still walked with confidence, instead of trying to hide it or stay home.

#Motivational
YOU ARE THE CREATOR!


Tucker Max on How to Totally Reinvent Yourself


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 391:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Anxious | Playful | Overwhelmed
Partner: Loving | Worried | Tender
Professional: Eager | Creative | Rushed
Person: Tired | Rundown | Exhausted

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Woke up this morning.
2) Wade's fever dropped.
3) The client actually sent the files.
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Last night, we went on Patreon and listened to the extra content for BAE's podcast, "Ep: 73 Healthy Sex...What is it Really?". Where they went a little further in explaining that sex and how you feel about it is different for every person. We all grow up with different opinions, set of beliefs, wants and needs when it comes to it. The only thing Wade and I would add is that you must also be authentically honest with your partner on what you like/don't like, want to try/wouldn't want to try etc, so there is plenty of trust built, safety gained, and absolutely no feeling shame, boundaries being broken or resentment in the bedroom with your significant other. Good video to watch, which gets this point across is: "What Gets A Guy Sexually Hooked On You - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy" (the title is misleading, just watch this video and pay attention to what he says!)

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Rohn Reminds Us That As a Man Thinketh So Is He", in this episode, we are reminded of the truth behind the sentiment 'As a Man Thinketh So Is He'. What causes us to overthink and drive ourselves crazy? 1) Overcaution [this is called the timid approach to life] 2) Pessimism [the deadly disease of always looking on the bad side the problem, always checking all the reasons why can't be done]. Remember, for the pessimist, the glass is always half-empty, for the optimist it is always half-full. Why would the same measure affect two people, in two different ways? the answer it all depends on how they look at life, from within.

This morning, Wade, the little one and I are all sick. Wade slept in, I was with the little one, then my client actually sent the work to me, even though she never got back to me about the rush fee... whatever. Now I'm working, so I'll keep this entry short because I need to get back to it!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling run down, but still working through it, gotta get this shit done!

#Motivational
Jim Rohn: Think (Jim Rohn Personal Development)


#Relationships
Marie Forleo on Stop Fearing Rejection & Be The Real You (esp. at 29m 32 secs)


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 392:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Free | Tired
Partner: Worried | Nervous | Loving
Professional: Creative | Rushed | Proud
Person: Sleepy | Rundown | Sick

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) The little one was well enough to go back to school.
2) Completed all of the work I needed to finish today.
3) Made time for some balance, watched some funny TV shows.
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Last night, and almost all day really... we binge watched Daredevil on Netflix as I worked, both of us are sick, he is worse than I am. We caught whatever our three year old had, yippie lol then we took a short break from that to chat for a few minutes and decompress. Afterward, we went right back to watching TV.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "How Making Changes In Life Leads to More Happiness", and in this episode, John Addison talks about making changes in life. Remember, the only thing constant is change, you must either embrace it or be run over by it.

This morning, Wade was still feeling really sick, so we did not walk or talk. We dropped the girls off at school, during the car ride, he mentioned watching one of the videos that I recommended he watch "Kyle Cease - You're Only Manipulating Yourself" at work and he gave me his opinions on that briefly. Once we got home, it was back to work for me and he went straight to sleep.

Not much else to report today!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finished my rush job, on time!

#Motivational
IT'S TIME TO CHANGE


Lewis Howes on What Makes A Real Man?


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 393:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Tired | Exhausted | Overwhelmed
Partner: Distant | Disconnected | Loving
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Sick | Sick | Sick

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Getting up in the morning.
2) Not passing out in the supermarket.
3) Remaining someone functional throughout the day.
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Last night, we talked for a few minutes, both of us are still very sick, no end in sight. He told me he has been feeling disconnected, not from me but just in general. I told him I have been feeling this way too and I think it is from me as well. I told him it is likely because both of our love languages are touch and this cold/flu has been working us so bad, that we have to say away from each other... hence we feel disconnected overall and from each other. Of course, it makes a difference that it is not because we fought, fell back into complacency or are having marital/recovery issues, but because of sickness/circumstance - well at least in my opinion. I think he agreed with my assessment...

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Will Smith With Advice For Living A Good Life", in this episode, Will Smith gives some excellent advice about living a good life. Remember, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

This morning, my cold got the best of me... we had to swing by the supermarket after dropping the girls off at school and I couldn't even hold myself up there. We had to cut the trip short, I needed to sit down/lay down. We got home and it was a really lazy day because Wade went to sleep, I was in and out of bed, emailing back and forth with a client and feeling like shit the whole time. I miss Wade's touch so much, later in the afternoon during my 2nd or 3rd nap attempt he hugged me and I grabbed on and didn't want to let go, it felt nice while it lasted.

Well, back to feeling like poop... catch ya'll later.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Survived the day, somehow!

#Motivational
Will Smith's Life Advice Will Change Your Future


Bedros Keuilian on How to Build Success from Nothing


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#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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Thank you! <3

 

DAY 394:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Exhausted | Overwhelmed | Tired
Partner: Disconnected | Loving | Thankful
Professional: Rushed | Creative | Proud
Person: Stressed | Sick | Sick

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Still alive somehow.
2) Finished all of my work and did not pass out!
3) Had some time to just unwind and read a little.
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Last night, both of us were "blah" we just laid in bed together, had a little small talk, zoning in and out, but it was nice feeling his touch, even if we were laying there like zombies lolz. Then in order to avoid passing out, because he still had to go to work, we went to continue watching Daredevil.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "How to Get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable", in this episode, Luvvie Ajayi talks about how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, her best quote is “bridges that aren’t based on truth will collapse.” Remember, if you can master being uncomfortable, then you can master just about anything. This is a really important concept, by the way, @Wade W. Wilson and I wholeheartedly believe in it. Throughout this recovery, we have both had to get really uncomfortable in order to speak our truths to each other and it was through finding comfort in constant un-comforts, that we have been able to get as close as we did, as vulnerable as we have and as connected as we are.

This morning, he was stuck at work and I needed to finish the revisions on my rush work. So, what happens? my iMac would not boot up, it was flashing a folder with a question mark, which means it could not find the hard disk - I almost lost my shit. Luckily, YouTube saved the day and I found a tutorial on my phone and it guided me on how to boot back up - OMG, talk about stress. When he got home, he surprised me with a yummy donut and latte from Dunkin Donuts, which he knows I love, it was sweet of him and I appreciated it. He went to sleep, the girls were in school and I was able to complete my work, the client was happy. My other client reached out and he is a big headache, so now I am waiting for that job to come in. Ugh, I am trying to figure out a way to charge a credit card without having a terminal for my freelancing... this client refuses to use PayPal, Venmo, Cash App etc... what's a girl to do!? *cry

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Managed to complete my rush job!

#Motivational
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable | Luvvie Ajayi


Kyle Cease: Use Humor to Overcome Fear with Lewis Howes


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
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DAY 395:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Annoyed | Withdrawn | Overwhelmed
Partner: Vulnerable | Distant | Guilty
Professional: Creative | Confident | Proud
Person: Tired | Sick | Embarrassed

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Waking up and being able to breathe somewhat.
2) Got a walk in!
3) The sun came out.
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Last night, we were both feeling slightly better, but still out of it. We were laying in bed and decided to listen to a recovery podcast, it has been a while, so the next one on our list was BAE's podcast "Ep: 74 Common Sex Problems". The title of this episode is kind of self-explanatory, the episode was full of insight on the typical problems that most couples, especially post addiction/betrayal go through in the bedroom and how you can strive for an achieve a healthy sexual relationship. We paused throughout to discuss the content and our own past issues. Brandon made it a point to explain that healthy sex means you are mindful at the moment, present and emotionally connected with your partner. That sex should not be done for selfish purposes, just because you are aroused and want to 'get off' so you objectify the other person, disregarding their emotional state and not caring whether they want to do it for the right reasons, feel safe or are even there mentally with you. Also, it shouldn't be done when you are in fear or need of controlling a situation where you feel that you are losing control or due to guilt "because I'm his wife, so I have to do this" (betrayed). It was a good one, I recommend everyone in recovery to give it a listen, it may open up some good dialogue for you.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "What Shonda Rhimes Learned By Happily Saying Yes To Everything", in this episode, Shonda Rhimes talks about all the things she learned when she spent a year happily saying yes to everything. Remember, if you never try you'll never know.

This morning, on the way to the mall, we began listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 75 Sex and Shame", much like the last one, the title is self-explanatory. Here they dive into all of the different ways both the betrayed or the addict can go into shame when it comes to sex. They also talk about how much shame revolving around sex, both partners may have brought into the relationship, addiction aside. Afterward, we discussed this topic and our views on the matter, how I feel that if we would have been more open about our sexual desires years ago, without clearing out the addiction first, this could have opened the floodgates for more acting out on his part and even trying to get me in on it, he disagrees, but I guess we will never know (thankfully!). We were finishing up our second circle when both of us began feeling flushed, we're still sick, congested and his chest is all wheezy, so we decided to stop there and go home.

Spoiler: TRIGGER WARNING

When we got home, I wanted to hop in the shower to wash my hair. As I've mentioned both of us are still feeling crappy, but he said let me hop in with you and I will help you wash your hair, which normally I don't mind and find quite helpful (my hair is long and heavy - and NO, I am not ready to part with it yet). This time, I said "aren't you feeling sick?" he said yes then mumbled something and continued sitting on the couch, so I assumed he agreed that he wasn't in a good enough condition. I jumped into the shower, stood under the hot water while listening/dancing to my music, turned around he appeared, which scared the crap out of me lol. Anyway, music gets me moving no matter where I am and Wade is fully aware of this. So, he begins washing my hair and I'm "getting jiggy with it" and let's just say he begins getting aroused, then he begins trying to turn me on too... in order for you know what to happen next. However, only 30 minutes prior to this, we were having a conversation about my triggers and self-esteem issues and feelings of how at some point, I feel like he will want something else because I'll begin getting unattractive to him as I age (so this is still on my mind). Anyway, back to it, so he is pushing all of the right buttons to get me into it, he knows the spots, but I warn him that maybe this isn't such a good idea... given that both of us are still feeling like crap and rundown, he says it is fine and proceeds. Long story short, now my back is really killing me (the aches are amplified due to the cold I guess), both of us are feeling weak, have been lightheaded and have had shortness of breath for hours etc., not to mention I just wasn't present mentally because we hadn't been connected in days and this felt like it was more about him getting his needs met, aka being selfish (he got turned on and wanted sex) than anything else. The whole thing felt rushed, he did maybe about 20 secs of quick foreplay on me to turn me on before he went for it (no tenderness or sensuality)... just like he used to in the past, so for me, it was like running the motions and it felt good because well sex is good, but not at all like what we've been having for months. There was no intimate build up, no attempt in trying to reconnect first and then really putting effort into getting me in the mood - it felt purely like a wham, bam, thank ya'mam scenario, for me at least. I brought this up to him later on, he said he didn't do it because he was just horny, but he really wanted me because he missed me. To me, that sounds like the same thing after being disconnected for a few days. Well, his reaction to what I was saying sounded defensive/gaslight-like and not so much like he was really trying to listen to what I was trying to say or hold my space and really empathize with what I was feeling about the whole situation. He kept interrupting me when I was trying to verbalize how I felt with "it's not how it was for me at all" "it's not what I was doing" "it was not my intention" but I was trying to explain MY FEELINGS and MY PERSPECTIVE. The crazy part about all of this is that I feel ashamed and guilty for feeling any of these things at this point of recovery, I don't think I should feel like this after everything we've experienced and shared in the last few months, I feel so bad about it. My point is... a connection needs to be built back up, you can not just snap your fingers and everything is back to normal, he should know that by now. Ironically, last night's podcast played out for me in real time today... so I think I now completely understand the difference between healthy sex and unhealthy sex, vividly. I have to say bringing this topic up at all was really difficult and I hate doing it, ugh, talk about being uncomfortable.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As shitty as we both felt, we still got our walk in!

#Motivational
My year of saying yes to everything | Shonda Rhimes


#Money
Money Habits: How to Create a Rich Life with Ramit Sethi and Lewis Howes


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

You're welcome, yeah it is very difficult and uncomfortable, I'm still getting used to bringing such things up - it's just something I avoided like the plague in the past, you know? just avoid and pretend it never happened, move on asap... sigh. BUT things are different now, however, doesn't make it any easier to push through, especially after the many years of practice in avoidance I've had and gotten used to. Wade is learning, I know he is but it is still a struggle.

 

DAY 396:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Content | Free | Tired
Partner: Shame | Guilt | Disconnected
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Inspired | Pain | Hurt

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Waking up less sick.
2) Earning some Shopkicks, been a while!
3) Walked today!
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a quick but soothing back rub, it has been throbbing all day, and to be honest it was the highlight of my entire day because it felt really good lol a relief on my back, even if temporary. Our connection is still on the mild side because of being sick and for some reason reconnecting/bouncing back isn't as easy as I thought it would be, which is weird, I'm just not feeling it or now in the way that I would have hoped to have felt it at least, maybe the shower incident triggered me or threw me for a loop, not sure. After that, we began watching "Punisher" on Netflix, there were a few scenes on there with mild sex, he told me himself that they weren't affecting him and I appreciated him doing so. I've asked him all week (daily) if he has had any issues, be it at work or whatever, with slips or anything and he has been saying no, nothing because he has been too sick to pay attention, so having him recognize this scene and bringing it up was nice. I actually was asking him a lot about his time at work, because I feel like when he is sick, he is more prone to acting out (ogling/slipping) because he is more mindless, due to the illness, so I don't know if I believe he didn't have any slips, but I have to take him at his word.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Be Mindful of Your Thoughts: We Become What We Think About", in this episode, we're reminded to be mindful of our thoughts because we become what we think about. Remember, contrary to popular belief you and I are not what we eat, we are what we think.

This morning, on the way to the mall we began listening to "Les Brown: Overcome All Odds and Change the World" which was an interview for "The School of Greatness Podcast" by Lewis Howes. If you do not know who Les Brown is, he is a motivational speaker, author, and former politician (amongst other things), who is no stranger to suffering and has been through many lows in life, only to turn them around and help inspire millions around the world. This interview was about him, his life story and how he turned his life around... as well as what inspired him to seek out the good instead of staying a victim of his circumstances. One of the best messages he had, that stuck out to me was "never make a point without a story and never tell a story without a point" something I think we should all remember and always try to apply. The episode was moving and inspirational, to say the least, I highly recommend everyone give it a listen/watch, you never know - it may just inspire you to do something great!

Later in the day, after dinner, we sat and watched The Punisher, man that show is freakin' awesome... anyway. He began caressing my cheeks/face softly and it felt so good that it was distracting me from my back pain lol, just wanted to mention that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The volume in my hair today!

#Motivational
Les Brown: Overcome All Odds and Change the World (with Lewis Howes)


Mel Robbins on Why Motivation Is Garbage | Impact Theory


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 397:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Playful | Joyful | Free
Partner: Distant| Disconnected | Content
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Lonely | Eager | Creative

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Waking up without an itch in my throat.
2) My little one's musical show all morning.
3) Finished next weeks shopping list.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk, instead, he performed a lower back physical therapy type of massage which was pretty good, I did feel a bit of pressure/pain in my tender spots, but after he would release the holds I did feel relief in those spots. I saw a neurologist a few weeks back and the issue that I have been having, she thinks is either a pinched S1 nerve, herniated disc or sciatica, we'll be doing a test later this month to narrow it down... it's like playing Russian Roulette, back pain edition. He had to go back to work tomorrow, so he had to stay up a little later, so he could sleep in longer. I was in bed alone and let's just say feeling a bit 'lonely' and because of his boundaries he did not have his cell with him but I knew he had his Galaxy Watch, which receives texts to its direct number... so I sent him a few messages, to 'persuade' him to pay me a visit, but he never came. At that point I did not know if he was too busy with something else, never got the messages or what... but it didn't matter because once my inner thoughts set off, they set off. Nothing could stop me from falling asleep frustrated, feeling rejected, alone, angry and resentful... plus all of the speculation and random thoughts of what he might be thinking about or doing... popping into my head at the moment which ended up getting me triggered, oh well, what else is new.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Lisa Nichols: The Importance of Knowing Your Purpose", in this episode, Lisa Nichols talks about the importance of knowing your purpose in life and finding an ambition to follow. Remember, your life is a physical manifestation of the choices you've made up until this moment.

This morning, I watched a few YouTube videos, then came across one posted by Matthew Hussey called "Why Do Happy People Cheat?" and all of the various reasons given were really quite umm, eye-opening to say the least. Then when he woke up he saw something was up with me, a new trait he has developed during this recovery, cause in the past he couldn't tell the difference. So, I told him, he said he never received any messages and if he would have, he would have run back for that etc. He said he hopes that I believe him and showed me that his watch didn't get any messages, but the conversation happened hours after that trigger was set off, so once in motion you know it's too late... Anyway, then we went to an open house for a charter HS that a teacher plans on opening in our area. Instead of just sitting quietly as I normally would, I was conversing, asking questions and giving ideas - trying step out of my comfort zone, it was fun and interesting talking to new people.

Then we had dinner and a movie with the girls, we decided to watch Beetlejuice... a classic that was fun.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I stepped out of my shell and was open, vocal and talkative with strangers!

#Relationships
Why Do Happy People Cheat? feat. Esther Perel (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)


#Mood
R.E.M. - Losing My Religion


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 398:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Amused | Playful | Exhausted
Partner: Loving | Inquisitive | Intimate
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Content | Free | Tired

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Woke up feeling 'light'.
2) Had a good walk.
3) Great talk with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me another awesome back massage, that's three nights in a row, I must have won the lotto or something LOL I don't recall the last time I got massages back to back like this, but hey, no complaints here!! my back and legs felt so good after. As he did it, we spoke about my trigger, it was not an easy task, but we worked it out and reconnected.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Isaiah Hankel: You Are Not Responsible For Other People's Happiness", in this episode, Isaiah Hankel reminds us that you are not responsible for other people's happiness. If you are always trying to make sure other people are happy, you are self-sabotaging your own happiness and only creating further pain and resentment.

This morning, on the way to the mall for our walk and talk, we began listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 76 Embrace Your Individual Sexuality" and then continued listening to it there, pausing in between to discuss. It was about how each person has their own individual sexual palettes (preferences) and when you are in a partnership it is important, to be honest about your likes, dislikes, wants or your boundaries are. When everything is made clear from the get-go, there are fewer chances of either partner taking a "no I don't want to do this thing" as a personal rejection, but rather just something they are not comfortable with sexually. Wade and I dived right into this early on in recovery and both of us are glad we did it, it took fear and shame out of the bedroom for both of us, brought us a lot closer and changed our sex lives drastically. We were shocked (as we listened) to learn that Coby and Ashlynn were only touching this subject 4.5 years into recovery! granted everyone runs their own recoveries differently, but I would think sex would have been discussed right away, from the betrayed's standpoint, as I assumed there was something missing there first for the PA to resort to his addiction. Not to mention, if you are holding back on anything, that means you are not being 100% authentic with yourself or your partner either, so that confused us a bit also. Regardless, we advocate for this talk to be one of the first things addressed when the couple in recovery is ready to start having sex again. Ironically, the video I'm adding below touches on this subject a bit too and I recommend both women and men watch it, as it is quite informative.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Spent over 2 hours straight listening to my four year old's live concert, without losing my marbles (completely!)

#Self-Care
Why Other People's Happiness Is None Of Your Business


#Relationships
How to Feel Loved & Cherished In Your Relationship

---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 399:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Followed my morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Wrote in my journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Nervous | Overwhelmed | Tired
Partner: Disappointed | Hurt | Disconnected
Professional: - | - | -
Person: Distant | Stressed | Exhausted

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Daughters fever came down a bit.
2) Found time to read a little.
3) Had a dance party with the little one.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we had a short chat and then went to watch The Punisher. The weather was getting worse and worse, but he had to go to work. I asked him to please let me know when he gets to work, so I know that he made it there safely. I didn't want to text him because I didn't know where he was at and I didn't want to distract him while he was driving but I'm laying in bed, forcing myself not to pass out (I took NyQuil) all paranoid and worried... 20 mins, 30 mins, 40 mins ... nothing from him ... then I finally pass out without hearing from him. I don't ask for much, there is no excuse for this kind of shit anymore, there just isn't.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Rohn Explains Why It's Better To Give Than Receive", in this episode, Jim Rohn explains why it's better to give than receive. Remember, the process of receiving starts with giving.

This morning, I woke up to find a message he sent over an hour after getting to work last night, long after I fell asleep, "sorry, I forgot to text you - I got to work all good". It's not like this is the first time it has happened, actually, this behavior was common for him, he was always distracted by everything/everyone else, so remembering I needed to know he got to work safe or that I even exist was a luck of the draw, if something sparks his recall of my existence then he would come around to reaching out to me. This really bothers me, before he left I made a simple request, for someone who claims I am now "a priority", I expected more especially since the weather outside served him as a vivid, in your face reminder. What does this translate into for me? that the minute he left the house, it is the whole - out of sight, out of mind thing. So, perhaps I am fooling myself yet again. He had zero regard for the fact that I was sitting there, waiting up for his message, just so I can rest easy, have peace of mind knowing he made it to work safely, instead of being a nervous wreck the more time passed that I hadn't heard from him. It's not my responsibility to keep messaging him, not to mention I didn't want to create a hazardous environment either, what if he was still behind the wheel and that distraction caused an accident?! but whatever, I guess this is nothing new nor should it be surprising; been there, done that - so many times. Then he posted a love quote on Facebook and tagged me... but I have a feeling he did it out of guilt because he felt bad when he finally remembered he was supposed to message me, seeing that photo quote didn't give me any butterflies as they have in the past because it just felt fake. I hate this feeling, it is not just a trigger but the nagging inside - the frustration and pain of him not understanding why this is a big deal to me. I care too much, I need to learn how to care, less.

I read an interesting article called "Self-Care Is Not An Indulgence. It's A Discipline.", which I found to be pretty accurate, even the title alone makes perfect sense to me, at least in the way self-care works realistically speaking and not how you see it or 'perceive it' on say, Housewives of Orange County. She explains here that it's not about spa day's and mani/pedi's (although those are nice!) but it's as simple as turning off the TV at a set time because you know you have to wake up early or not having that extra helping of fries etc. Self-care is extremely important in general, but especially in recovery/healing and it really does take having the discipline to stick to a routine.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Kids had a snow day, I made it out alive.

#Self-Care
Jim Rohn - STARTING YOUR NEW LIFE


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 400:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Current Book: "Everydata"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed: Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Got creative / Verbalized my feelings.
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)
Parent: Scared | Anxious | Worried
Partner: Frustrated | Annoyed | Disconnected
Professional: Relieved | - | -
Person: Exhausted | Overwhelmed | -

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) The little one went back to school!
2) Had some silence for a few hours.
3) The new nerve stretch technique that has been helping.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about how upset, hurt and triggered I was about him 'forgetting' to let me know he got to work safely. I'm so tired of feeling so much, too deeply, sometimes I do wish I could feel less, so I would hurt less. After he gave me a quick backrub/realignment and then headed out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Joel Osteen: Why You Must Have a Lifelong Personal Growth Plan", in this episode, Joel Osteen talks about having a personal growth plan that covers our entire lifetime. Remember, the best project you'll ever work on is you.

This morning, Wade called me on the way home from work and told me about a video he stumbled upon on Facebook... I did too but I skipped over it and didn't even think twice about checking it out, he, however, stopped to look probably because it was two girls on their knees. Anyway, he said midway through the video they suggest heading over to Tumblr to continue watching, which was the app he used for his PM/addiction for a long time, so he immediately stopped watching at that point. He said he didn't get triggered to 'look for more' or an urge to PM, but he felt a rush of fear come over him. While he was talking about that, he blurted out that it was a similar feeling he got when he scrolled through some cosplay photos last week and some of them ended up being risque and when he saw those pop-up, he hit "x" right away. He claims he forgot to mention it to me, but if he was planning on hiding it, he wouldn't have brought it up at all... his constant forgetfulness gets me triggered, a lot - it's annoying and inconsiderate all in one. The way he dropped this little bomb on me, in a nonchalant way, as if it just fell out of his mouth by mistake and only because he was rambling about something else, is like a slap in the face, especially because it happened a week ago and he just conveniently forgot to tell me about it when it happened, sigh. I literally ask him about these things EVERY SINGLE DAY, I have told him countless times that if something like this happens to WRITE IT DOWN, to ensure he won't forget to bring it up -- but time and time again, it seems like we are back to having the same conversation on this kind of stuff and I am left wondering if he wasn't quickly rambling about some other thing, if this thing would ever be brought up or what else is he conveniently "forgetting" to mention to me on a day to day basis. Now, I'm left wondering... if he clicked on the gallery in the hopes of seeing something 'by mistake', anything 'sexy', if he lingered on the images or not, I don't know if he went back to them or if he thought about it but controlled himself, I don't know if he fantasized about them - I don't know, I just don't know a damn thing anymore, and I don't know because he never bothered bringing it up WHEN IT HAPPENED -- and the whole "I forgot" excuse is really getting old, I'm over it. I ask him about his night, EVERY SINGLE DAY and recovery related incidents should stick out for him, especially ones important enough to suddenly recall a whole week later. So yes, it is a big deal, since it is something he used to 'enjoy' looking at in the past, something that had triggered him into 'looking for more content' to PM with etc. I'm getting really exhausted with this shit, honestly, sometimes I wonder if perhaps removing myself from the equation would be like doing him a big favor, maybe he is too afraid to be upfront with me about that and wants me to just do it, end all this, then he could go back to having all the freedom in the world to do whatever, whenever he wants, without having to check in with me or anyone else.

Our older daughter has the flu, Wade went to pick up some prescriptions at CVS and is taking his sweet time over there, probably ran into his eye-candy there and is enjoying the view while he can.

This week just keeps getting better and better. I can not catch a break.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Found time to read and work on my portfolio.

#Self-Care
Key Phases of Personal Growth


Kyle Cease - The Actual Steps To Releasing The False You


---------------------------------------------------
#Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
---------------------------------------------------

 

Awesome, thank you for this, I will check it out!