Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

I will PM you the invite to the Discord channel, you never know maybe you can liven it up

For me, I confided in my mom with everything too - my whole life really, even as a teen, but this, it would taint how perceives my husband (of course, this could be my assumption only) but it's a risk I'm afraid to take, because I just the generation she comes from and how she reacts to situations she sees on tv shows for instances, she and my dad (I'm not even going THERE) would never understand that PA is a "thing" and how damaging it has been. Growing up I was always taught "what happens in the home, stays in the home, never let the outside world know your problems because everyone is always looking for ways to judge you, don't give them reason to" -- so I think I got the whole, always make it look like everything is perfect from that. My mom has picked up that I'm different, I keep getting the "it seems like you have changed, you aren't as chipper as before" remarks often, I just can't keep up the act anymore, not after everything has come crashing down.

Although, recently, with Wade's changes and our current connection, I have been in a much better place, authentically happy - not without some "downs" or setbacks, but overall not the miserable life I was leading for the 12 years beforehand.

Thank you, I know and I will try and consider it. It's just not something that comes easy for me which is why I am on this self-care kick, hopefully, to help change me. I appreciate that your words are too kind <3

Oh boy, I have tons! lol but I am a geek, so if that's your thing, I have a lot I can recommend LOL.

 

DAY 292:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he really helped me out, as I'm under the weather, he took care of me <3 he knows what I mean and I really appreciate it. We also spoke about how he miscommunicated his initial "invitation" to his work holiday party. That he is willing to not drink, so he could drive, just in case we need to leave early and he wants to go only with me, not without. He explained it all from the start, again and I told him I would think about it. I just don't want to ruin his night, it's supposed to be fun for him and going with someone with is equivalent to a fucking ticking time bomb that can ruin a night within a split second, well, what's the point of that? keeps bringing me right back to the point I made to him on the cruise. Then we watched some Altered Carbon on Netflix, but I was really worried some of the scenes would trigger him, especially familiar real-life scenarios... he didn't say anything, so I'm not sure.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Bob Miglani: Stop Waiting For Perfection", where he reminds us to stop waiting for the perfect moment to start living. His point is that perfection is an illusion of the mind, as it tries to bring order to life, which has none. When we wait for perfection, we get nowhere in life - because there is no such thing as perfection. When you wait for perfection, you'll wait forever because there is nothing that is perfect, so you just need to move forward, keep going and keep your head up, even if you fall, life will find a way to give you a hand to get back up, somehow.

I barely slept, I am really worn down, I'm not sure whether or not it's the cold medicine or just the cold symptoms running amuck, but I had to skip my morning walk and I feel so bad about it. Once Wade was up, we went to Costco to run some errands, it was packed there omg! and there were a few minor triggers there but nothing I didn't fend off, then a bit of a moderate one which was a little more difficult but I managed nonetheless - I saw him look in the direction of a 'threat' once, then again, same woman and when I made a comment about it - he said he didn't and honestly I don't know what to believe anymore. All I know is I hate having these triggers, thoughts, emotional "breakdowns" and it just sucks. This evening, I found a new smartphone app to help with BT/PTSD called "Self Help for Trauma", hopefully, it will help ground me in situations where I don't have other tools available.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As down as I felt about missing my walk, I found positives in the fact that I got some exercise in from running other errands throughout the day!

#Motivation
Jay Shetty - It's Never Too Late

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=180774236196780

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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Yeah, see my mom hasn't been through anything like this or similar, so I don't think she would "get it" not to the degree of just how damaging this really is, because on the offset, whenever this sort of thing gets thrown around - people don't consider it a "real thing", more like a "lonely wife's imagination" or being too "dramatic when boys are just being boys" so to speak. The more informed you are, the more you actually understand it though, but without that knowledge, it's not easy to explain, heck I would have been a skeptic back in the day. I wish I had a BFF close by I could trust, but unfortunately, NoFap is the next best thing.

On it!

 

DAY 293:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we worked on the wedding puzzle that we haven't worked on in months, we spoke as we did it. The topic at hand was actually an unpleasant one, how I felt about possibly never being able to really move on from my triggers and why I feel that may not be good for him long term. We went "there" because we were talking about his work holiday party and how I felt bad that because of me, well if he wants me to go, he'd have to skip drinking "fun", so we could take our car, just in case - we had to bail early (because of me). So, because of my triggers, which are women, you know more than half the population and I can either be okay or a certain one can hit me like a truck at any given moment - I can ruin a good time or moment, in an instant, prompting the need for a swift exit. If he moves onto someone new, once he is recovered, he won't need to worry about dealing with someone with constant PTSD, or wonder if he can or can't stay at an event etc., I don't know if that is a way to be happy, long-term, if we are being real. I love him so much especially with what we have now, and I've never been happier in our marriage then I have been in recent months but I also don't want to forget the reality that *this has only been this way only a few months* compared to the gravity of the whole situation of the last 12 years, what was done to me and all that has occurred, you know what got me to where I was in Jan - the courage, realizations, and facts that brought me to a place of strength. Now, the confusion and magnitude of uncertainties that is still eating me up inside - I don't know what's up or down, what will last or what's just for right now. Plus the guilt of triggers and PTSD, when he is doing better, that's destructive too. Sigh.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Mike Robbins: Being Authentic", where he talks about why it’s so important to be our authentic selves. "What it Really Means to Be Authentic? Authenticity is about enjoying a new sense of freedom to be who we really are–ourselves, natural and without a mask in our relationships, our work, and our life. It takes courage, commitment, and depth to: Look within ourselves, Tell the whole truth (even when we don’t want to), Be vulnerable! Admit, own, and share our true thoughts, feelings, desires, insecurities, passions, embarrassment, dreams, and more. However, being open and real about all of these things (and more) is what it means to be authentic in life. Five Principles for Being Your Authentic Self: 1) Know Yourself – Make a commitment to your own personal growth. 2) Transform Your Fear. 3) Express Yourself. 4) Be Bold. 5) Celebrate Who You Are."

This morning we walked and listened to BAE's podcast "Gaslighting and Crazy Making", we paused and discussed it as we walked. How he tried to defend himself yesterday, but it was still gaslighting anyway, then we talked about other instances and occasions of it. How he even brought in some of our mutual friends on the gaslighting. As usual, the podcast was informative and good, a must listen for any couple in recovery.

Throughout the day I tried to catch up on my book "Habit Stacking", I got to an interesting idea/method called "The Pomodoro Technique", which is where you choose a task (e.g., writing); Then set a timer for twenty-five minutes, work for twenty-five minutes without succumbing to any distractions, take a five-minute break by getting up and walking around. Go back to work for another twenty-five minutes. After every four time blocks, take a fifteen- to thirty-minute break. For each of those blocks though, where you work you must be in the complete focus of your task, no distractions -- meaning turn off social media, airplane mode your phone etc. He also provides lists of apps that provide timers and off switches for all those other apps for whatever time blocks you set.

Funny story, so I'm scrolling through my social media feed and all of a sudden I see a new follower started following me, with a familiar thumbnail, I click onto the profile and it's BAE! LOL wow, what a small world! I told Wade and he thinks I should follow them back, but I am afraid to out myself to my clients, family and friends... but he definitely thinks I should private message them and let them know I appreciate their videos and podcasts... I don't know if I have the _balls_ to do that, out myself like that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I finally got to walk-walk today and BAE found ME lol!

#Self-Care
Mike Robbins - The Power of Authenticity


Mel Robbins and the 5 second rule to get you out of bed


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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I have NO idea lol, I was shocked, nothing in my online real-life presence links to my struggles with this PA stuff, at all - it is so strange. He really wants me to reach back out to them, but that would be outting myself... and us... but he said they are coaches/professionals so who cares blah blah, I dunno feels, weird, to take the anonymous part out of it.

 

No, of course not, but it could also mean outting myself to my clients, family, and friends -- if they get curious/ask questions or put pieces together, which is what I fear most. Wade doesn't think it's a big deal, but I have kept this secret to myself for over a decade for a reason you know?

 

I don't know if I'm ready to expose this to the world, that's the issue.

 

I know and after listening to this morning's daily podcast (ironically: stop caring about what people think LOL) I think I will follow them back and even grow a pair and send them a private message of gratitude. Wade's been asking me to do so for 24 hrs and thinks the longer I wait, I won't do it at all.

This is just a big deal for me, it's scary and full of fears that are cycling in and out of my head like a cyclone right now. Sigh.

 

Thank you, I appreciate it

 

DAY 294:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he gave me a really nice massage, man oh man my body [esp my back] aches so much, I feel like I'm 84, not 34 - even with my newfound lifestyle changes/being active. Massages do help, but I think this cold is really running a number on me. We spoke A LOT about how he thinks my mind needs to catch up with the progress he sees and apparently I don't, at least not as significantly as he does. Although he has always been way more positive than I have, any way you slice it. He believes I have gotten a lot better with my handling and responses to triggers, even though to me - it doesn't feel much better, maybe some, but not often. But I guess it's easier to see the differences from the outside looking in because I've noticed little changes in him, that he didn't pick up on until I mentioned it. It's just difficult to see a more positive outlook for me, especially this time of year... the holiday season, where he always left me feeling extra lonely and it has always been in these months where my DDays coincidentally occurred... so I guess it just puts me in a rut, err a "blue season".

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Ralph Smart: How to Stop Caring What People Think", he talks about how to stop caring what people think. Something, unfortunately, I can seem to get past - no matter how hard I try. I am working on it though, a lot, but it is not easier to get over 30+ years of conditioning. What an ironic coincidence, given my current dilemma too lol. Although, as I told @Wade W. Wilson I have decided to follow them back and will be writing them a private message of appreciation, with a bit of my story - when he has the night off, so we can sit quietly and write it together.

This morning he got held up at work, so as I walked (yes, sick and in this wrenched cold) I may have to take a break, or I may make myself worse... because the temperature is set to drop really low soon, but we will see because, on the other hand, I need my daily walk for my sanity. I listened to BAE's podcast "The One Thing You Need for Recovery" and what's that one big thing? SELF-CARE! without it, the chances of returning to your old ways/habits/lifestyle are really high. I've noticed the biggest changes for Wade's recovery has been once he took self-care seriously, so, there is something to this. I told him to listen to this podcast when he has time, it was very good.

Okay, I'm about to pop some cold meds and just relax, peace out ya'll.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I had a situation where I possibly couldn't get to my trail, I still found a way and made it happen!

#Motivation
Kindness that melts my heart:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=285965425355030

#Self-Care
Ralph Smart - How to Stop Caring What Other People Think


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 295:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk because he was sleeping off a really long day, aka double shift at work, before heading back out again. I did mention to him in a brief call about my decision to respond to BAE on SM, which he was happy about. Also, recommended he listed to the podcast I heard last morning too. When I woke him up at night, I asked him if he wanted to watch a YouTube video (motivational) that I did and found very engaging and entertaining, since we only had a few minutes before he had to leave. He said sure and that is what we did. We watched: "How to Change a Negative Attitude into a Positive Attitude of Gratitude with Steve Rizzo" where he talks about being "humoriods", using humor in negative times or situation to alleviate or make bad moments feel and seem lighter. I just love his viewpoint on life in general, I looked him up because his message from 7 Good Minutes from a few weeks back resonated with me, more than any of the other so far... just enjoy life, be happy.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Fearless Soul: 7 Principles To Live By", where Fearless Soul, the creator of "Your World Within" shares 7 Principles To Live By. His main point? there is nothing you can not do, be or have - that's not saying it'll be easy, but it is saying it's possible. The principles to live by, embrace these principles, don't fear them. 1) One day you will be gone. 2) There is nothing you can not do, be or have. 3) Nothing is worth it - if it doesn't make you happy now/later or better. 4) Be yourself, always. 5) Everything you need is already within you. 6) Surround yourself with a positive environment, rid yourself of toxic people. 7) Whatever you focus on, you will find.

This morning we walked in the cold and listened to BAE's podcast "What is REAL Honesty" which was, as usual, a fantastic and informative 40 minutes. We had a lot of pauses, so we could discuss some parts, as well as some "hey, I think we're here already!" ones, which felt good. When we were finishing up the podcast, already in the car - during a certain part, Wade got excited, paused it and says "I did this, without knowing what it was I did!" "I was authentically honest, even though it was uncomfortable for me and I didn't know how you would react." He was talking about the incident from a few days ago, when he told me that he was upset that I didn't let him know or rather, let him in on my process, after I was triggered by him not responding to my text (he said it never came through). I told him it was a great thing and I am glad he did come to me with it, because if he didn't we would both be in the same place... he would be sulking and possibly resentful, I would have gone about my business assuming everything was fine, because I moved on and what else was there? but because he had the courage to bring it up, it gave us a little breakthrough and made me realize that now, I need to let him in on these things, my thought processes, where in the past I would just handle them on my own. It was great.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
We both agreed that right now, we are getting more comfortable, being uncomfortable and that's a good thing for us as a couple.

#Motivation
7 Principles To Live By For A Successful, Happy Life - Motivational Video


How to Change a Negative Attitude into a Positive Attitude of Gratitude with Steve Rizzo


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 296:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk, we watched Altered Carbon, a show I am loving, the story is very interesting in my opinion - mysterious and a lot to figure out, definitely my kind of show. I'm only concerned that there are a lot of parts that could trigger him, he hasn't said that anything has, and believe me - I have asked, but I am hoping he is being honest and not just saying "no", just to continue watching.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Brendon Burchard: How to Be Happy", Mr. Burchard is the author of the New York Times Bestselling book "Motivation Manifesto". In this podcast, he explains his opinions on how to be happy. Main point? ALWAYS REMAIN IN THE PRESENT, focus and bring you full conscious presence to the present. Make peace with the past, stay focused in the present by being consistent with good habits/routines and be excited for the future, even if it seems scary.

This morning it was frigid and since I am still under the weather and didn't want to make myself worse before Thanksgiving, we skipped our walk and went to Stop and Shop instead to pick up a few things and earn some kicks. We didn't talk much about recovery, did our shopping, got what we needed (and then some) and under $100! sticking to that $100 a week on grocery budget so far and it has been good, not easy, but good.

There was a Pre-K Thanksgiving party at our daughter's school this afternoon, so instead of heading straight to bed, Wade stayed up because he wanted to attend as well. Last year, pre-recovery, he would have chosen sleep over a school event, hands down. I even offered it to him, but no, he said he missed so much of our eldest daughters events and even when he did go he was so busy focusing on everything and everyone else, that well it was like he wasn't "really there" anyway. Now it's all different and he doesn't want to miss anything. So we went - on the way there we talked for about a minute or two about how self-care/recovery has changed us both. Once we got there, our little one was so happy to see us and it was fun, the kids really love him, he has a way with them. One was crying because her parents didn't make it and the teacher was trying to calm her to no avail, but Wade found a way to make her laugh, helped get her food and situated. We even called our eldest out of Math class and she joined us for about 30 minutes, she was happy about that too LOL. It was a nice family moment. Once we got home, he headed to bed - he still has to go to work tonight.

I finally did it, I sent the letter of gratitude to BAE. Phew, oh and I followed them back. May seem like nothing to some people, but for me, it was a huge step.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Wade was full of compliments today, made me all kinds of giddy inside.

#Relationships
The Single Biggest Killer Of Relationships In 2018

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2209068265975431

#Motivation
How to Be Happy - Secrets to Happiness


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 297:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone, from our family to yours! hope everyone is safe, has a good time, drama free and plentiful!

Last night we didn't talk much either, as he was sleeping off having to stay up later, earlier to attend the little Thanksgiving party at our daughter's school. When he woke up we didn't have much time before he had to head out to work, so I suggested we watch "Mel Robbins | One of the Best Talks Ever on Self-Motivation" which, as usual with Mrs. Robbins, was phenomenal. We spent a few minutes after discussing her life lessons.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Oprah Winfrey and Caroline Myss: Life Purpose", where both Oprah Winfrey and Author Caroline Myss talk about how to know you've found your life's purpose. You know how? when you STOP BETRAYING YOURSELF, and how do you know when you are betraying yourself? when you're making unwise choices, because you'll feel it in your gut but you do it anyway, fighting your intuition.

This morning we went to Urgent Care because Wade pulled his neck, so he needed to get some pain meds. We didn't talk too much 'recovery' stuff, but he did tell me everything he was grateful for this year, melted my heart, he said he was grateful for me standing by his side through this recovery - when he knows I had no reason to, not any longer. I told him I was grateful for all of the changes he has been making, for real this time and not just 'talk'.

We're about to get ready for our humble little family dinner, so I will keep this post short, tomorrow we are going to go see Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2 with the girls, it has been a long time since we went to the movies as a family, should be interesting, hope the little one sits through it! LOL

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved that both Wade and I had a lot of GOOD and true changes to be truly thankful for this year.

#Inspiration
Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations - Caroline Myss: Discovering Your Life's Purpose


#Motivation
Mel Robbins | One of the Best Talks Ever on Self-Motivation


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 298:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Thanksgiving was simple, yet sweet this year, I shared with the family a slideshow I had made for them called "What I am Thankful for this Year" - it was just a token of my gratitude for all that I am thankful for this year and what I am looking forward to in the next. We had a yummy feast that Wade prepared, he's an awesome cook. This is the first Thanksgiving where both Wade and I were both really 'present' and at the moment, enjoying spending the holiday together and with the kids. After everyone left and the kids were in bed, Wade and I didn't talk - we watched Altered Carbon a bit and then as we got into bed, he placed a letter on my pillow, a full page (front and back) filled with what he was thankful for, it was so sweet and touching.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Steve Harvey and Others On the Importance of Gratitude In Life", where they pretty much tell you, exactly what the title implies, that you can never be truly happy until you learn to live in gratitude. Until you learn to appreciate all that you do have, instead of always complaining and seeing what you don't, you will never find happiness, it will never happen for you. In order to really be happy, you must learn to live and see the world with gratitude.

This morning we went to see Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2 with the girls, it was a really great movie, funny, with a few good life lessons mixed in (if you pay attention) and the kids loved it! with kid-friendly humor that adults will find hilarious too. I recommend taking the whole family to see it. Over the last few years - we've been so disconnected/unplugged, even with our kids, just running through the motions and checking the boxes of "what we were supposed to do" because of how emotionally unavailable we have been from one another that it was just a cause and effect... now all of it just feels so different. Now we cherish these moments and want to experience more of them.

Then Wade had to take a nap, I fed and situated the girls, sat to watch some of the completely pathetic Black Friday "sales", which I wouldn't really call them "sales" ugh. Anyway, as I did that, I put one earpiece on and listened to BAE's podcasted called "Dealing with Family in Recovery" which was about how you can navigate and show up to that family party when things are totally out of control (in your personal life/recovery/healing) or when your partner is mad/triggered or when you don't want to or just can't pretend that all is well. They discuss how a couple could be authentic around family while working recovery or how to separate yourself from toxic people, even if one of them is your mom. It was interesting, I don't think I will ever get to a point where admitting this to my parents would be a good idea - ever, maybe just the PA, but definitely not ALL of it (infidelity) because they would never ever look at him or us the same again, especially me for not telling them right away, not leaving etc. On the flip side, admitting this to his parents, they would shrug and say "so, what's the big deal? he came home to you, didn't he?" ... both very toxic responses and I think it would curtail our recoveries.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
We had a really nice family day today, I felt whole like we were all there for once.

#Healing
Will Smith: Fault vs Responsibility

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1837134703251197

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 299:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked for quite a bit, reflected on our first Thanksgiving, where we were both - awake and present, as a couple, as parents and as a family. We didn't have 100 people over and a huge shindig, but we didn't need all that, we had each other and we felt it in our hearts for once and that was all that matter. Then I decided to ask him a little bit about his recovery if he has had any urges to P/M or anything, he said he has been so busy with his self-care routine or our couple routines that his mind just hasn't even had time to think about it. Then we discussed just how valuable self-care is to recovery, for any addiction or healing. He decided to give me an impromptu back massage and it was so nice (they always are LOL), he offered and I felt bad because his neck had been hurting, but he said it felt okay last night. Then we want to the living room and finished watching Deadpool 2, which we both loved. I also booked another cruise for next year, yep, pushing through any back thoughts, second-guessing, fears and the insanely disappointing black Friday "sales".

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Yubing Zhang: Escape Your Comfort Zone", she shares some useful thoughts with us about how to Escape Your Comfort Zone, and why you should. "Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone". Basically, as many of these speakers do, she tells you to just face your fears head-on and go for it, bite the bullet and that's when you start getting things done and seeing results.

When he woke up we went to the mall to take some photos with Santa. It was in the plan for next week but his parents called last night and wanted to come, and even though he already told them to come that evening - when he got up I suggested we just go today, get it done and then we'll free up the whole day next week. So we did that and the day went great, this whole Thanksgiving weekend was spent having a lot of good quality time, together as a family, connecting and being actively present and enjoying every moment - what a difference and change, from the same time last year, for instance. There were a lot of people there, obviously, it's still the spillover from Black Friday - Small business Saturday etc., there were plenty of threats and I'm sure it was overwhelming for him. I actually didn't get triggered so much, I think it was because I noticed way too many oglers and that was annoying/distracting me, so I guess it was a win/lose situation lol. Overall this Thanksgiving was by ar the best one we've had together, ever.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Made it a goal to K.I.T with a few people on my to-do list and I did it!

#Motivation
Yubing Zhang: Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone


Jay Shetty - Everyone Needs to Hear This

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=279431152887487

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 300:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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OMG 300 days, we are out of the 200's, whoa... I definitely did not see this coming!

Last night we talked as he gave me a nice foot rub. I admitted to him how surreal this Thanksgiving weekend was for me (us both) but for me in particular because it was just surreal. The reason why was... because for the last decade I had to make sure I faked my happiness, in order to make sure our invited guests were never under the impression that anything was off. This year though, in the middle of dinner, it just hit me, when I was smiling, that I was genuinely happy, this wasn't an act, but it was for real - for the first time and it was great but felt so weird. It's difficult to explain lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Marie Forleo: Ending Negativity Bias", Her main point? negativity is terrible for your health. It can weaken your immune system, increase anxiety and reduce your ambition and success. What you allow your mind to focus on, shapes your brain - literally and figuratively. We are wired to give more weight to negativity, then positivity - but nature, because it usually keeps us more alert. Her 3 tips? 1) name it to tame it – know that nothing is wrong with you, it is just this psychological effect that happens when bad things happen. 2) get deliberately distracted – distract yourself with a positive activity to avoid dwelling on the bad event. 3) use 20-second rule – every time that a positive event happens, milk it for what it is worth, spend at least 20 seconds savoring it! this will retrain your brain to value positive events.

This morning we walked and talked about the finishing chapter of his book, he finally finished it and says that the end was very profound. It really broke down the current situation he faces at work with "the boys club" over there that spend 24/7 objectifying every woman that passes. He read a part to me and after hearing it, it actually does make a lot of sense. The author wrote: "There will be times when you’re with another man or men, and the “we’re just being guys” attitude will pervade your interaction. If you don’t share the joke about wanting to have sex with the woman with big breasts, it may seem as if you’re not being a man. The truth is that those guys are stuck in their child stories of objectifying women while you are being an adult man. Real, grown-up men learn not to treat women as objects." So, in reality, all those "men" are really boys, still stuck in their little boy fantasies and phases, never able to really connect on a real emotional or intimate level with a woman, which is what makes objectifying so easy to them. Wade and I have connected on a level that neither of us can describe both emotionally/intimately and maybe now that he has filled that void (emotional detachment void), he is no longer seeking out other ways to fill it. I'm not sure, but maybe?

Today was so hectic, seems like my kids were both on a mission to make my brain explode. I was still able to read a bit more of my book and immediately followed through on one of the BRILLIANT habits he advised there, and it was one of those -HELLO COMMON SENSE- like why the hell did I never think of this myself!! his idea? declutter your e-boxes because how much time do you just waste going through/removing spam and trash?! omg!

Excerpt from the book: Habit Stacking
Unsubscribe from an Email List(s)
Type: Elephant habit
Best time to complete: Anytime
Frequency: Daily
Benefit: Email is one of the biggest “time sucks” around. While it’s now a critical part of the modern business environment, it’s also a productivity killer because it means most of your day is spent sorting through junk mail and responding to pointless conversations. Now, it’s almost impossible to reach “inbox zero” as a part of your daily stack, but what you can do is unsubscribe from a few email lists each day.

Description: Most email management programs (like Gmail, Outlook, and Hotmail) offer a search bar in their program that help you find messages according to the keywords that you enter. You can use this search bar to your advantage by entering one simple phrase: Unsubscribe. Simply fire up your email program, enter the word “unsubscribe” in the search bar, and then look at each of the messages that it brings up. Odds are, you don’t really need most of the automated messages that show up. So each day, you remove yourself from these lists by opening up a few of the top messages and getting off their lists. Do this habit regularly and you’ll see a dramatic decrease in the amount of daily junk email.

See? simple concept and I don't know how I didn't think of this before lol but now that it's in my mind, I will be adding it to my routine for sure.

So, this happened - this afternoon though, and I will bring it up to him tonight... he was sitting in his chair, we were watching Elf with the kids. My parents stopped by, my mom needed me to do some paperwork for her and I got up and started doing that for her. I closed the envelope, but my mom didn't think it was secure enough, so I took it and went to get some extra tape for it. I put the envelope on the top on the Lazy Boy where Wade was sitting, grabbed a piece of tape and came close to the back of the chair so I can apply the tape. He jolts up, puts his phone down onto this stomach (covering the screen) and says "what are you doing there!" and I said 'nothing, just putting on the envelope' and walked away. Him quickly trying to hide his screen, turning back to look at me and asking what I was doing there - was just weird and immediately triggered me. I wondered "what was he doing on his phone, what was he trying to hide????" I did not like that feeling at all, it's what I use to feel with him all the time. I haven't had this feeling in a while, I don't like it. :-(

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Decluttered my eMail boxes through the method mentioned in my journal, somehow I was subbed (not by choice!) to over 150 mailers!

#Motivation
3 Steps to Stop Negative Thinking In Its Tracks


#Healing
Gaslighting | The Narcissist's Favorite Tool


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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