Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 317:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we didn't talk again because we spoke that morning. I was still working on my numerous projects and had my Amazon music playlist playing out loud and some touching songs kept playing, the list was random but it was going from one of those songs, that just hits the spot to the next. So, Wade got up and pulled me up and we had an impromptu slow dance to Ed Sheeran's "Perfect", it was very sweet. Afterward, we went to watch some tv and continued to stay in each other's embrace. These moments are so precious because they are something I've craved for so long, but never had and even though we've been having them more and more these days, I still can not get used to this new reality, it just does not seem real. It feels like this is like an alternate universe that I'll be zapped out of it at some point and things will return to how they've always been, like a dream world or a figment of my imagination. Weird, eh? either way, I'm grateful for these feelings, that I get to feel - right now.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Gavin Stephenson: The Benefits of Gratitude", Mr. Stephenson from WakeUpFulfilled.com talks with about the many benefits of gratitude. In order to be great, you have to be grateful is the main message of the podcast.

This morning we went to our kid's annual holiday concert at school, it was our pre-k'rs first time performing and she was so excited about it as were we, as well as our eldest's last year performing. Just going there with Wade was a bit triggering for me, I can't help but be reminded of my past experiences with him at any school function which consisted of me spending most of the time, watching him, as he ogled every mom there - right in front of me. So, the minute I entered the building (no matter how much I try to think of other things) the internal anxiety began, I did somewhat ground myself, ironically with all of the 'cheery' holiday songs lol. Then I grabbed and began holding his hand, reminding myself that he is here this time for the girls and for the family experience because for once he actually wanted to be there, it was not forced or out of obligation. All of the previous (pre-recovery) school events, he would avoid in a heartbeat, he always had a good excuse not to attend - he was 'too tired' and wanted to sleep. On the other hand, I was fine with that because going alone saved me the trouble of watching him ogle other moms instead of watching our daughter. These days, he has been a lot more proactive and wants to attend events and be involved in our kid's lives and activities. I don't know about him, but for me, when I grabbed ahold of his hand, I felt so connected to him, like we were both there for real, completely engaged and present... most of all happy - to be there together, side by side. The only major issue for me, was that I felt like I had a glitch in my brain, where I would see a certain mom in the middle of all these good feelings and it felt like my wires (in my brain) were getting crossed and firing off mixed messages, that wasn't pleasant, I am just glad it didn't overwhelm me and I was able to stay focused on our girls.

Then I went to a doctors appointment with my dad (that lasted 2 hours) and now I have a headache, knowing my luck, it will persist for another 10 days.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was in a triggering environment, but held my ground and focused on my kids.

#Addiction/Motivation
Self-Realization with Tony Robbins & Russell Brand:


#Relationships
The Major RED FLAG You Should Never Ignore In A Man:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 318:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he gave me one of his awesomely soothing massages (which I love, but still feel like somehow I'm making him do it, even though I don't even ask) and we spoke about my latest journal entry that he read. This time, he was happy about what he read I was just writing from the heart but he thinks that what I shared was progress in my healing. I don't think I'm moving forward in my healing quick enough, at least not as fast as I would like to be. I do not like triggers or not being in control of my own mental state. He said that the fact that I reached for his hand to remind myself that he was at the school function for us, not 'them' (the mom's he use to ogle) was a big step, from even two months ago - when I got triggered and shut down until I got distracted by moving to another room to speak with teachers. Maybe he is right, maybe I don't notice the changes as much as he does from the side. Or maybe it's because, to me, healing is just not moving fast enough, I don't know. Either way, I'm just happy it went the way that it did.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Mel Robbins: Dealing With the Fear of Disappointing Loved Ones", this was definitely a podcast for me. I'm what's known as a people pleaser, I rather suffer myself, then have someone else unhappy, sad, disappointed or inconvenienced. So, I usually just let things go, shut up and move on etc. Her main point is you need to make the decisions that you need to make, for you to be happy because in the long run, you are ultimately not just hurting yourself (by making decisions that don't serve you, becoming an imposter/a fake version of yourself) but you are also hurting the relationship with the person you are trying so hard not disappoint, because that relationship becomes toxic. Why? because instead of just being real, honest, authentic - because even if that person gets temporarily disappointed in you, they'll still love you. Otherwise, we create a toxic relationship because the way we've all been handling it has been through manipulation, lying, resentment, withholding and that doesn't serve anybody.

This morning it began to snow, so instead of walking the trail - we did some local shop kicking and talking. We discussed motivational videos because he watched some while at work. He said he was feeling really lazy and not in the mood to work out or do much of anything. He was even catching himself doing mindless things like reading his Manga comics a bit too long, so instead of watching or listening to recovery centric stuff, he thought he needed something that would give him the kick he needed to get him going, he went on YouTube and began listening to motivational videos about self-discipline and etc - that got him back up and running. Then I told him about the Mel Robbins podcast from this morning, how I related to it and just some interesting thoughts and concepts I've been learning, like the term "Imposter Syndrome". Which is a whole monster on its own, where you don't feel you deserve what you've earned your accomplishments or you try to be someone you are not just to ensure other accept you... it has a lot to do with people pleasing, being afraid of disappointing others and anxiety. It was another productive morning for us.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had another connection/tender moment, when I laid down for a nap and just squeezed him tight, don't know how to describe it in words but the feeling was so good.

#Motivation
Mel Robbins - Cure your fear of disappointing people:


Mel Robbins: Why showing appreciation is YOUR superpower


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 319:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we didn't talk as we talked that morning. He did shock me a little when he decided (on his own/out of nowhere really) that he wanted to try making me a french braid! and it actually came out fabulous lol and believe me when I say it was no feat, my hair is super long, down to my butt! the whole thing was a new experience for me, as I know for a fact he would never have thought of this at all, or if I had asked myself I would have been begging for days until he finally came around to it. We watched some TV and then he had to go to work, which sucks these days but ... well, no choice there really.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Our Friends at Growing Forever on Living In The Present Moment", giving some very useful information about living in the present moment. His main point is to stop living in the past and stop worrying about where "it's going" - just stop and live in the present and be happy at the moment. Which, I know from experience is not easy at all sometimes, especially for those of us that have been through betrayal trauma and have triggers that constantly throw us right back into the past.

This morning we went on our walk and talk at the mall, on the drive there we discussed some videos he watched at work. One of them was a JK video called "How To Stop Being Unhappy While Quitting Porn" where he explains that in order for recovery to be successful, you need to take small steps toward a greater goal instead of rushing toward a big goal, expecting great things to happen at warp speed (where you eventually set yourself up for failure). Set mini-goals that help you reach your larger goal, be proud of all of your small accomplishments, instead of setting out and making huge ones that are unreachable (at least not quickly) and when you do not get there fast enough or fail, you either end up unhappy, discouraged or quitting. He suggests writing down a little checklist with two to three items, like "did not M today" "did not watch P today" or even "got out of bed when the alarm rang this morning", so at the end of each day you feel a sense of accomplishment for getting things done, even if they are small. Wade has been doing this, well making mental notes, I guess posting it in his journal and telling me - the last few months, so he has been doing it and it really does give him encouragement and makes him feel better overall. Then we spoke about what we were listening to (motivational videos) -- how this day and age, phones/social media has actually disconnected everyone, caused a lot of depression and self-esteem issues. Not to mention all of the addictions that stem from the world of instant gratification, I'll post the video below. We earned some kicks too, it was a nice time and productive, these moments are great.

Recently started a new book, now that I finally finished my book "Habit Stacking". I began reading "The Budgeting Habit: How to Make a Budget and Stick to It!" and already I've gotten some great ideas. Like, how to save $1200 by the end of the year, so you have a slush fund for the holidays, so you don't run up your credit card bills! "Setup an auto-deposit into a savings/slush fund account for $100 per month, so then you’ll have $1,200 to spend during the holiday season without facing the dreaded credit card bill in January OR that $1,200 can be spent on a mini-vacation." Simple, yet brilliant! I added my own twist if $100 in one chunk will sting too much, setup $25 per week, it's still $100 a month, but it won't go out in one big hit.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling Wade's close embrace at the mall today felt good, even though usually I'm not big on PDA.

#Men
Matthew Hussey feat. Lewis Howes - Men And Sex: What You Need To Know


#Motivation
Make the REST of your LIFE the BEST EVER


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 320:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night since we spoke in the morning, we opted to play a game, as it's been a while. Then he came out of the room after finishing his journal, looking tired and said "I rather just chill instead of play, my mind needs to relax" and I didn't mind at all. Our kids, we love them to death, but man they cause your ears to ring lol so I get it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Robert Grant: How to Stop Living In Fear", where he shares some very helpful information on how to stop living in fear. He makes the case that if you constantly live in fear, you can not feel the true sensation of gratefulness and if you can not truly experience gratefulness, you can not ever really feel true happiness. Life happens to us every day, it is up to us - what we decide to do with it", our reality is our perception, living in fear sets us up for being stuck in that cycle. If we learn to be grateful, we'll be happy.

This morning we couldn't walk or talk, we stayed in with the girls because we made plans to go to the movies with our eldest to see "Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse", so my parents wouldn't agree to sit with the little one, twice in one day. We took both girls out to do some shop kicking and to just get them out of the house a little, got home just in time to drop off the little one with my parents and head back out to make the movie in time. It was actually a really good cartoon, plenty of good messages ('life lessons') thrown in there - if you pay attention of course.

I wanted to write a little more, vent about how my daughter, whom I'm trying to get on the self-care bandwagon is being so difficult about it ------- but NoFap keeps crashing, so I'll end it here.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Felt really lazy today, but still pressed on.

#Self-Care
How Comparing Yourself to Everyone Else is Killing Your Dreams:


#Motivation
Robert Grant - Beautiful minds are free from fear:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 321:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we spoke, not so much recovery stuff but just about life, where we're at and people in it. I had to vent about my dad a little bit because the older he gets - the more negative he is becoming about everything and pre-recovery I was more okay with it (well, not really but I just let it go easier) and now, it's just more difficult to keep my mouth shut and I keep getting myself in trouble for it. We covered a lot of different topics, then we had a bit of a miscommunication on his end at night, but instead of just keeping it to myself and getting resentful, I told him and we talked it through - which is a huge difference from what would have happened before.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jia Jiang: Overcoming the Fear of Rejection", where he tells the story of how he learned to overcome the fear of rejection. He also tells a story about his life, how when he was young he had a vision of how he thought his life would turn out, he had so many hopes and dreams and turns out, when 'reality' hit, he was an adult and nowhere near where he always dreamed he would have been by then as a kid. He was feeling hopeless that it would never happen, he was full of fear because of it, he wasn't taking risks or going for it because of that fear and thoughts of "it's too late now" and then when he stopped and began changing his thoughts, he was able to finally become the person he set out to be, long ago, it just took him a lot longer to get there but he finally did.

Today we started the day by going to the mall for our walk, talk, and point earning! funny how we were probably the only two people who came into a mall but walked out with an extra $50.00! LOL. Anyway, we talked about recovery and how we have been feeling really connected these days, and not just emotionally but physically too. How I haven't been resistant to a little PDA here and there (which in general I'm not a fan of) but in the past because of how disconnected we were, I didn't want to partake in it at all. Then again, who would want to hold hands with someone, when at the same time - that someone was watching someone else's ass? he doesn't do that anymore unless he slips and if he does, he is honest about it. There's a difference today, then there was last year. We watched a beautiful motivational video on the drive home, I posted it below, Jay Shetty's part is so moving, touching and profound that I had to add his whole speech here (sorry for the run on sentences and lack of periods, I copied the transcript straight from YouTube):

"When asked what's the biggest mistake we make in life the Buddha replied the biggest mistake is you think you have time. Time is free but it's priceless you can't own it but you can use it you can't keep it but you can spend it and once it's lost you can never get it back. The average person lives 78 years we spend twenty-eight point three years of our lives sleeping that's almost a third of our life but thirty percent of us struggle to sleep well we spend ten point five years of our life working but over 50 percent of us want to leave our current jobs. Time is more valuable than money you can get more money but you can never get more time we spent nine years on TV and social media we spend six years doing chores we spend four years eating and drinking we spent three and a half years in education we spent two and a half years grooming we spent two and a half years shopping we spent one and a half years in childcare and we spent one point three years commuting that leaves us with nine years how will we spend that time Steve Jobs said your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life so there's good news and there's bad news the bad news is time flies the good news is you're the pilot imagine you wake up every day with 86400 dollars in your bank account and at the end of the night it's all gone whether you spent it or not and then the next day you get another eighty-six thousand four hundred dollars what would we do with it every day 86,400 seconds are deposited into your life account at the end of the day once they're all used up you get a new 86,400 seconds we would never waste it if it was money so why do we when it comes to time those seconds are so much more powerful than dollars because you can always make more dollars you can't always make more time to realize the value of one year ask a student who failed a grade to realize the value of one month ask a mother who lost their child in the final month to realize the value of one week ask the editor of an online magazine to realize the value of one hour ask the couple who's in a long-distance relationship to realize the value of one minute ask the person who just missed a bus train or plane to realize the value of one second ask the person he just missed an accident and to realize the value of a mili second ask the person who just came second at the Olympics we think that it's people wasting our time but it's really us giving them the permission to do that and in reality these two people live inside us don't let someone be a priority when all you are to them is an option some of us lose the people most important to us because we don't value their time some of us don't recognize how important someone is to us until they're gone inside all of us are two voices one voice that wants to uplift one voice that wants us to expand one voice that wants us to grow and then there's the other voice the voice that holds us back the voice that makes us lazy the voice that makes us complacent the voice that restricts us from our potential every day from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep inside of us, there's this battle between the two voices and guess which one wins the one that we listen to the one that will feed the one that we amplify it is our choice of how we use our time life and time are the best to teachers life teaches us to make good use of time and time teaches us the value of life and as William Shakespeare said time is very slow for those who want very fast for those who are scared very long for those who are sad very short for those who celebrate but for those who love time is eternal."

Then we stopped by Costco, finished up some more errands and gathered up some more points. Both of us agreed that today we felt like we really got a lot done, we both felt really good about the day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
We both felt really accomplished today, on the recovery front!

#Motivation
Jia Jiang - What I learned from 100 days of rejection:


Various Speakers, You will change after watching this video:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 322:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he created a really cute and fun little scavenger hunt for me out of the blue - it wasn't a birthday or anniversary etc., it was exciting and completely unexpected. He left me a note with instructions on where to find other envelopes, all containing different words, in which I would have to combine to make a sentence. The last envelope was on top of my favorite dessert that he had gotten for me, Tres Leche... yummyyyyyy <3 anyway, the sentence ended up reading: "I Love You With All My Heart". It was the sweetest thing ever, he has never done anything like this before - I loved it.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jake Ducey: How to Improve Self Confidence", where Mr. Ducey gives 8 ways to practice self-love and improve self-confidence at the same time. His 8 ways: 1) Start saying NO. 2) Let go of stagnant situations/people etc. 3) Exercise at least 4 times a week! 4) Buy yourself something, that's an investment in YOURSELF! 5) Start meditating every day, or at least every other day, for 10 minutes per session. 6) Spend a solo day, where you spoil yourself and treat yourself, instead of others. 7) Have a scary/vulnerable conversation with somebody, that you've been holding back on because you are afraid of disappointing that person. 8) Write yourself a letter that begins with your name and "Dear ___, I am so proud of you for...", write a letter of admiration/love.

Little one stayed home today, she woke up with a fever sadly, so that's-that.

Then I read a bit more of my budget habit book and they went over something that can be applied to all habits/recovery:
"S.M.A.R.T. Goal's: There’s a difference between goals and habits. A goal is a broad outcome that you want to achieve in your life. Your goal enables you to connect with your purpose and is the transformation you want to experience. A habit is a day-to-day execution on the goal. Habits aren’t as sexy as goals, but your daily habits ultimately determine what you achieve in life. To begin, let’s start with a simple definition of S.M.A.R.T. goals. George Doran first used the S.M.A.R.T. acronym in the November 1981 issue of the Management Review. It stands for: Specific; Measurable; Attainable; Relevant; and Time-bound."

Later on, we did our weekly supermarket run, stayed under budget and then picked up our eldest early from school so we could take her to her ENT appointment. Now Wade's cooking up something yummy for dinner and I'm about to start working again, fun! But, I can not wait until they're in bed, so we can decompress from a really long and exhausting day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As big of a headache and backache that I had, I still go most of my work done, while tending to a sick child!

#Self-Care
8 Ways To Start Practicing Self-Love To Improve Self-Confidence & Happiness!:


Powerful CONFIDENCE AFFIRMATIONS To INSTANTLY Boost Self-Belief & Self-Esteem:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 323:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he gave me a nice back massage, which felt great. This last week has really wrecked my back, big time. We spoke as he did it, about recovery, our emotions, connection and how free it feels to be able to talk about anything without holding back.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Les Brown: Reaching Your Full Potential", where he talks about what it takes to reach your full potential in life. He said something interesting, the major reason we don't reach our full potential is that fear gets in the way. He said we are only born with two types of fears: the fear of falling and the fear of a loud sound, all other fears - we learn, like the fear of failure, the next is the fear of success. Not feeling worthy also gets in the way, because then we constantly self-sabotage with behaviors like procrastination, blaming others and constantly complaining about everything.

This morning since the little one is sick, we didn't walk or stay out long. Took the older one to school then drove around for a few minutes to do some 'kicks' and then went to CVS picked up some scripts and went home. During the drive we spoke about his night, how he watched a few videos that were good and one by JK that wasn't so good, he said that he was being a bit aggressive and not in an 'honest/blunt' way, but just plain old rude. The rest of the content he enjoyed though. Then at CVS, there was a new pharmacist there whom I know he would have enjoyed ogling in the past. He didn't this time, but I have a feeling he was on high alert because he kept grabbing my hand and talking to me about some of the obscene crap his coworkers were discussing at night. He told me about the whole conversation that he was around for, he ended up excusing himself, saying that he had to go get ready to hit the gym, in order to find a decent excuse to leave the room without looking like he was literally walking out in the middle of one of their super interesting group sharing 'explicit conquest story sessions'. I told him I was proud of him for not getting triggered, not sticking around to hear all of it (plus finding an excuse to leave because he was disgusted by it)... but I am also proud of him because he told me about it, which he didn't have to do, actually he didn't have to do any of the three I just mentioned, as there would be no way for me to find out. Later on in the day, we ran an errand to Costco, it was packed, of course, plenty of 'threats' around... he seemed okay, but I noticed them all because it just seems I'm fucking broken. Well, what I mean is - I can not stop noticing these women, they are e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. It doesn't matter where I go, who I am with or whatever - there is always someone there to throw my brain into a tailspin - I'm lucky if it's something minor and I can control it but otherwise, I just fucking hate it and it's exhausting as hell. That's why I'm so scared/nervous about his work holiday party tomorrow, plus I'm afraid of ruining his night with my crap... also NYE too, for the same reason. This all blows, I wish I could change my brain.

Then I read a bit more of my budget habit book, where they went over some more interesting budget concepts/ideas that can be adapted to any habits or recovery goals:
"Reward yourself. Completing your habit stacking routine is an accomplishment, and it should be rewarded as such. Giving yourself a reward can be a great motivator to complete a daily routine. This can include anything, like watching your favorite TV show, eating a healthy snack, or even relaxing for a few minutes. Really, a reward can be anything that you frequently enjoy. My only piece of advice is to avoid any reward that undermines the benefit of a specific habit. For instance, if you’ve been consistently sticking to your budget for a month, the worst way to reward yourself is to go out and splurge on a high-ticket item that will derail all the hard work you’ve done over the past 30 days. (If you’d like more ideas, then I encourage you to read Steve’s blog post that covers 155 ways to reward yourself.)" So, for example; with recovery, when in a relationship when the recovering PA reaches certain milestones, the rewards could be date night's, or small tokens of affection from the SO (if the PA is putting in the work of course!).

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I completed all of my projects! time to finish my family's annual budget! *fingers crossed*

#Self-Care
What you need to become your best possible self:


7 Practical Ways To Rewire Your Brain (Based On Science)


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 324:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a lot of work today and a party to get ready for today, so this entry will be short!

Last night we spent a really long time talking. We spoke about my triggers from earlier in the day, our struggles, my fears about our potential future and the confused state that I am in. I may get into it a bit more in tomorrow's entry.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jim Rohn: Making the Conscious Decision to Just Be Yourself", where he talks about, well, being yourself. Which I'm a trying really hard to do these days, but it is not easy, at least not around everyone.

This morning we spoke in the car a little bit as we rushed to drop off our eldest at school and ride around for a few mins. Then, I worked, worked, worked on a rush for one client and then another sent me stuff. My little one was home today with her cold/bronchitis too, so I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. Plus, we had his work party tonight, which I was stressing over that all day. Happy to report that we are back, I am tipsy, he made me feel like he was there for me, unlike every other time before and overall I had a good time - more on that tomorrow.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No matter how much anxiety I had, I went to his work holiday party...

#Self-Care
Mel Robbins | Here's A Simple, Proven Way To Live In The Moment:


#Motivation
Show Gratitude | Always be Thankful:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 325:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last evening, pre-party... my mood was so off, other than my general nerves and overwork... it wasn't until a certain moment later on - where it finally dawned on me, what was up. Wade had been asking me all evening "is everything all right?" and I kept saying, yeah it's fine and I really thought I was overworked. Then when we left for the party, we were on our way to go pick up the coworker he promised to give a lift to, then once we picked her up and she got in the car, it finally clicked. I guess I didn’t like the fact that he decided to give a lift to a co-worker to the holiday party, it's not that I have a problem with her either. I guess the reason why, which finally makes sense to me – is because going there had my anxiety going through the roof and instead of having some time to talk and maybe ease my nerves before entering the party, we had someone in the car there, with us. So, I had to sit there in my fear, stress, and panic ramping up all the way there – while having to be fake 'cheery' in front of her. It just made my mental state so much worse going into the event.

Last night I came home a bit tipsy, although I do recall we did speak a little on the ride back from the party. He was happy that the night was a success, given how stressed out and anxious I was going into it. I have to say, the party turned out a lot better than I expected it to, this was the first time I had been to one of his work parties and I didn't feel like I was there completely alone. Usually he would sit me down, then run to the bar, mingle, come back for two minutes and then run out to smoke for another 20-30 minutes as he would chat out there too, then run back in, I guess to check if I'm still alive, then back to the bar for another 10-15 mins and so on, so forth, as I would sit there bored and alone, looking for people to text on my phone. This time he was by my side the whole time and actually pulling me up to go with him, whenever he wanted to grab food or to go to the bar (for me, because he didn't drink, he drove). We spent most of the evening chatting with his coworker and his wife, we found a common interest: evil sister-inlaws lol. It was a good time overall, I did have a few triggers because I noticed a few of his coworkers that I am 100 percent certain he ogled and objectified in disgusting ways with the other guys before he began recovery... plus only one other thing that bugged me, a few women and some of his coworkers kept staring at me, I wasn't a fan of that, but whatever. It went way better than expected, I went home in a much better mood than I came there with.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Cindy Trimm: Focus On Your Goals", where she talks about why it's so important to focus on your goals. Her main point? when you focus on what you want, what you don't want - stays out of your view. Cindy has a list of 10 rules for focusing on your goals: 1. Evaluate The "why", 2. Change Your Words,
3. Have Courage, 4. Silence The #littleman, 5. Know Your Purpose, 6. Live An Empowered Life, 7. Focus On Your Goals, 8. Fight Back, 9. Chase Down Your Passion, 10. Change Your Thoughts.

This morning I was happy the little one was cleared to go to school, so I could rest from last night and my cold. It will be short-lived since winter break starts tomorrow... but I'll take what I can get. We spoke in the car a bit, not long but still something. Talked about last night and how we both felt afterward, we were both happy. He is trying to convince me to look at NYE in a different light because of it, like "you see, so far every event you go into, hasn't been as bad as you thought it would be!" but NYE is a whole different ball game, the crowd is different, the clothing will be sexier, the environment/drinking etc - it is all different. So, unfortunately, yeah, I'm still worried and scared it will end up disastrous and I can not help it. Granted, we are both in a much better place today, than we were a few months ago, but still. Then I told him about my feelings pre-party and why my mood was off, he explained his side of it and how he thought he asked me, before telling his coworker yes - but that's not how I understood it. Anyway, it's done now, then we went to the bank and handled our finances so we can hit the ground running in 2019, I'm excited to really work on this budgeting stuff.

I'm still confused about what my gut is telling me vs what my mind is, it is the reverse of what it was telling me years ago and last time I did the opposite and look what happened... I just don't know what to make of any of this. My head, heart and emotions are all sorts of f*cked up these days, I don't know left from right.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Felt happy about our financial decision today, looking forward to getting our things in order in 2019.

#Self-Care
"STOP Procrastinating - FOCUS On Your GOALS!" - Cindy Trimm:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 326:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he had a one on one with a new therapist, the last one didn't work out, not many understand PA and how specific this type of issue is. Then he gave me a nice massage, as he told me about his session. This new guy is a relationship therapist who has worked with PA's in his practice, so he is hoping this guy could help both him and us. I guess we shall see. I'm still feeling under the weather, I caught a cold either from Wade or from the little one... boooooo.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Tony Robbins: Raising Your Standards For A Better Life", where he talks about why raising your standards is a must for a better life. His main point is that we are conditioned to be and live a certain way since childhood, so, we need to try extra hard to get outside of that box, raise our own standards in order to achieve our fullest potential in anything in life.

This morning was quite chaotic for me, I'm sick so I couldn't breathe right all night, woke up at 4:30 am and was up since then. Soon enough the girls were up and I began getting the kids ready for school. Wade is held up at woke and it's raining so we couldn't go for our walk. Then my parents stopped by with bad news, my dad said he had to go to the emergency room for something and then the waiting game began on that. My nerves were shattered, my brain was mush ... In order to distract myself a bit, while I was waiting for Wade to get home, I listened to BAE's podcast: "Ep: 44 So the Addict Doesn't Want to Have Sex". Which was about when a recovering PA (or SO) acts out by avoiding or withholds sex, why some do it, if it's right, wrong etc. It's only wrong if the one doing the withholding is doing it with ill-intent, in order to control/manipulate the other party, it was interesting to learn about - I don't think Wade or I ever did this. Wade got home, we had some time to kill before our daughter's school party, so we drove around and listened to another BAE podcast "Ep: 54 The Process of Acceptance", it was one he had already listened to earlier but wanted to hear it again with me, so that he could pause and ask me questions. It was a nice Q&A session for us because he seemed genuinely very interested in learning about my grief processes and understanding when and where I was, at what points of our marriage. Of course, some of what I was saying was probably not so pleasant to hear, but I wanted to be honest and real with him. He also shared his grief of letting go of his addiction aka security blanket, well coming to terms with the fact that he was done with it and when that moment in time actually hit him, once gratitude set in etc. It was a productive podcast and talk. Our talk did help keep my mind off my family situation a bit.

Then we went to the Pre-K holiday party, where I had to keep up appearances but the little had a blast and she was so happy to see us there, especially her daddy, she can't get enough of him (neither can I these days!). Afterward, I got word that my dad was going to be okay, so that was a huge relief. I've been trying so hard to keep my head up, but some days it feels like I am drowning.

Wade will be sleeping the rest of the day since he stayed up in order to make our little one's day. So now, I'm counting down the hours till bedtime, so I can have some alone time to decompress.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Happy my kids had a good day today and dad is okay.

#Healing
Ariel Leve - How to deal with gaslighting:


#Motivation
Tony Robbins - How To Raise Your Standards


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 327:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he slept, so we didn't talk much. While he slept, after I tucked the girls in I was able to start putting together a budget planner for 2019, so I can input our spending starting in 2019. I also did a little research about setting a yearly plan (by Jordan Page) since he mentioned he wanted to do it when he is off. I really felt like crap between my cold and dealing with the kids all evening, he got to sleep even longer than usual, glad at least one of us got some rest yesterday.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Denzel Washington and Others With A Message on Seizing The Day", where actor Denzel Washington and other motivational speakers deliver various messages on seizing the day. There were a lot of messages in this one, especially about positive thinking and taking control of your thoughts and emotions, you really have to listen to it, in order to understand and take it in, my interpretation won't do it justice.

This morning because the weather was still shit and well, I felt like it too lol we opted to walk in the mall get some points in too. We had a triggering incident this morning, but after discussing it, we settled it, although I'm still feeling some internal after-effects from it. After talking about the morning text trigger, we talked about some of the podcasts he listened to at night, those I've heard the day before - broke them down and exchanged our thoughts on them. We also spoke about the gaslighting TedTalk video I shared yesterday, which put the concept of gaslighting in a different perspective. It was a good and productive discussion, we also ended up splurging and buying our kids some cute pajama's at Target, we couldn't control ourselves lol.

While Wade took his day nap and I finally got the little one occupied long enough to start a podcast that I've had sitting in my subscribed list for months, I wanted to change it up a little from my beloved BAE recovery podcasts, to get some more perspectives. So, I began listening to the "Sex, Love, and Addiction 101!" podcast which is hosted by Rob Weiss, a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships, and addiction. You guys may know him from one of his most famous videos "Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses". This was the "Welcome" episode, an introduction of sorts, he went over the gist of sexual addiction. Takeaways from Dr. Weiss from this episode: "Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection are compartmentalized away. It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act."

Tonight I can wait to just wind down and relax, it's not even the evening and my head is throbbing already!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Kept an open mind, when I didn't have to.

#Relationships
Trent Shelton - If you don't want your relationship to end, WATCH THIS!
https://www.facebook.com/LikeTrentShelton/videos/vb.234859083260066/374331903303230/

#Motivation
When You Are About To Give Up


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 328:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night as we sat and watched some TV, he gave me a really soothing foot and then hand rub, it was so good, I don't know what spots he was hitting, but whatever they were - it was helping calm the horrible cold that has been plaguing me, if even for a few moments.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Gary Vaynerchuk, Jay Shetty: Unlocking Your Passion", where various inspirations speakers talk about how to go about discovering and unlocking your passion. You find yourself when you lose yourself in the service of others, is all of their main points.

This morning we drove down to the mall again, to walk and earn some cash. On the way there we listened to a nice motivational video called "This will bring you success for the rest of your life", it was a compilation of speakers we are all too familiar with listening to these days. Both of us can recognize them by voice now lol and we've even heard the full videos of some of the clips featured here. Then we had a pretty productive talk at the mall too, although he was doing most of the talking, I've pretty much lost my entire voice, so I was mostly whispering and mumbling lol. He wanted to know if I try and change my mindset going into NYE to expecting it to be a purely positive experience, instead of assuming shit will hit the fan from the get-go, will that somehow change how triggers affect me (on-site). To be honest, I have no idea and since triggers are uncontrollable and vary depending on who, what, where and when - I can't even guesstimate.

His parents came over and we had an early holiday dinner, to kick off the 'celebratory' season. We exchanged gifts and ate food, it was okay I guess, Wade had a few incidents of verbal diarrhea which I was not happy about but it is what it is. It's still somewhat awkward - even without the blatant mishaps, knowing what we know now, being aware, you pick up on behaviors and actions and it just feels odd.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Bought a new pair of jeans today, Wade spotted them, so I tried them on and I loved how they fit and looked.

#Motivation
This is why some people always succeed:


This will bring you success for the rest of your life:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 329:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** I hope everyone has a very safe, happy and healthy Christmas! **

Last night we did not talk, we watched a few episodes of season 3 of "The Travelers" and he gave me another soothing foot rub.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Terrell Owens, Dr. Myles Munroe: The Key to Success", where various well known motivational speakers make the point: one of the keys to the success of anything, is first getting started.

This morning while Wade slept in (because he has to go into work tonight), I finished listening to "When You Aren’t Your Mother’s Boyfriend" episode two of Robert Weiss's (LCSW, CSAT) podcast. I have to say, I'm not one to judge, especially since I've been learning so much, but some parts of it did confuse me, while others made sense, if you listen to it - you'll see what I mean. His guest was Dr. Kenneth Adams who lives in Michigan and has a practice there, he also has a book, called "Silently Seduced" which explores how an individual’s relationship with their mother can produce the types of problems that sex addiction creates and a book called "Married to Mom" where he tries to uncover why a man might seem to continually choose his mom over his partner. They use the word "Enmeshment" often, it is a term used in the family therapy field to describe when family members are too involved, and the dynamic is too close. When a mother burdens her son with expectations and inappropriate boundaries, the son may begin to feel disloyal when he has other objects of desire (girlfriend, wife or partner). He then acts out and carries out these desires on the side while feeling a tremendous amount of grief and guilt. They imply that the evolution of our sexuality is primarily tied to our early caretaking experiences. Same goes for how those experiences shape and develop into sexual addictions. I know, after much discovery that Wade had horrible examples of love, intimacy etc., growing up.

When he got up, we decided to take the girls to the mall so they could run around, and we could spend some family time together. I still feel sick, it drains on me throughout the day, getting better and worse sporadically. The girls had fun, they got gifts, treats, and lunch at Johnny Rockets, their favorite place. For some reason, ever since yesterday's dinner, Wade has been picking on our eldest, nitpicking constantly causing bickering and her to get upset and noise/drama to follow suit. Granted, she is being extra difficult, but she is still 11 - a kid, and he knows it's Christmas, it's okay to let some shit go, once in a while so we could just enjoy some family time... with some calm. So far, this Christmas hasn't better any better than the last ones for me. It's been constant little things here and there, definitely nothing like Thanksgiving, the whole mood and energy was different. I wanted everyone to be at peace, happy and enjoying themselves, not spending the day on emotional roller coasters. I told him I don't even want to have Christmas dinner tomorrow, my brain just can't handle the potential drama, I think we should just open the gifts in the morning and call it a day - think way there won't be an opportunity to have an argument if all we do is open gifts. That's why I didn't even mention the idea of dinner to my parents, I rather just skip it. Sigh, today was bad enough being in so much pain, dealing with a packed mall aka full of triggers, to then on top of all that listen to them go at it nonstop about everything... I'm so tired.

During the car ride home, my head was pounding, getting worse and worse because I couldn't stop coughing and I guess the strain was pulling on my neck/head. After we got home and the girls were settled, he told me to lay down so he could give me a tension relief head and foot massage, which did help quite a bit. However, it only took another coughing session to start my headache back up again, this really sucks - I hope this goes away by New Years.

I just want it to be 11 pm, so I can get into bed.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As much as I was suffering, I put on a happy face for the kids.

#Motivation
WINNERS MINDSET:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 330:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we briefly discussed the day and how he still wanted to have Christmas dinner as planned, to try and salvage what was left of the holiday. Then he proceeded to give me another tension releasing head and foot massage, to help with my horrible pain, it did help. As soon as he left for work, I pulled my lower back because I tried to take the little one to the bathroom while she was sleeping... sigh, it was like dragging around a 35lb sack of potatoes. Afterward, I dropped on the bed and passed out.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Nathan Lucas: Having a Winning Mindset", where Nathan Lucas from 'Freedom Influencer' talks about the importance of having a winning mindset. His main point? that it's going to be difficult because so many people want to achieve at a high level and then they think that it's just going to be a
cakewalk - no you're going to hit walls, you're going to have things that make it difficult because that's why it's so rewarding at the end, because not only are you there, not only are you a high achiever of great success, but it's the journey that got you there. It's knowing that it was a difficult road, but you persevered.

This morning we ran out to get the girls some treats, on the way we spoke about some of the videos he watched throughout the night. I had asked him to do some research on how he can learn to control his reaction/anger when interacting with the kids, especially our eldest - who sometimes can do things, on purpose to trigger a reaction. He didn't find any videos directly related but stumbled upon this gem, something we can both relate to: "How To Manage Getting Triggered & Angry - 5 Simple Steps". The steps are: 1) Take breathe, a walk, get some space - before you react. 2) Take a step back and try and figure out if you are really angry, or is there an underlying emotion there (sad, loneliness, hurt etc). 3) Be aware and try to be in tune with yourself, that maybe you may be overreacting to a situation, because of something else going on inside (are you hungry, already upset over something else etc). 4) Am I feeling lonely? when we feel lonely and disconnected we become more reactive/being tired causes us to be more impatient, irritable and reactive. 5) Try to have empathy, because most people have their own stuff going on and they are not trying to hurt us on purpose, understanding that helps us become less reactive. Once we got home, the girls were excited and ready for us LOL -- so, we exchanged and opened gifts, everyone got nice stuff! I got my girls one Hairdoable doll from Best Buy, then two from AliExpress (from China ) and when they opened the ones from China... inside were two 99 cent plastic dolls, that weren't even cheap knockoffs, they looked nothing like the original doll lol ugh. That's what I get for trying to save some money, I'm livid. Anyhow, Wade got me a pretty anklet, sweatpants that I've wanted forever and a beautiful Ursula wood carving statue! he got a set of Whiskey glasses, a Deadpool shirt, and POP! figure as well as some pins.

When he got up, we ended up having a small dinner, it was laid back - we watched Hotel Transylvania 3 as we ate. Everyone had a good time, no arguing thankfully. The evening didn't end without a trigger though, sadly I might add. I noticed while Wade was sleeping his phone got a group text, from his co-workers, I didn't open it - it is not something I do. After dinner/movie, I asked him about the text, he was scrolling through his messages - and he said 'eh, it's stupid' and ended the conversation. I found how he responded seemed like he was brushing me off, so that triggered me a bit. A few minutes later, he kept asking me what was wrong and I told him, he said he didn't realize what he said/did was anything and began to grab his phone to show me the message. As he did that, he scrolled up and all the way at the top of the thread was a photo of a naked chick, which was received and sitting in that thread since Nov. 5th, 2018. He claims that he did not know it was there, he was seeing it for the first time with me - right now and that he could have sworn he deleted or muted that group text a while ago, so he doesn't know how it appeared. He said that any time something has come up, he has brought it to my attention, so he has no reason to lie to me about it anymore and if he wanted to do that (lie), he would have made sure to delete the message. Which is true, he has been honest with me, but even he admits after I've brought up my perspective on how it looks - it does seem quite shady, given his history. My head is spinning from all of this and the questions popping in and out, sigh, it's just all exhausting. I really thought Christmas was going to be different this year, given how Thanksgiving was, but it is what it is.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Still recovering from my draining cold! but I would still like to wish a Merry Christmas to all!

#Healing
How To Manage Getting Triggered & Angry - 5 Simple Steps:


#Motivation
The Mindset Of High Achievers



#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 331:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we spoke a little about my minor trigger (his group text response). It's nice to be able to talk and express my concerns/grievances these days, no longer having to bottle up and hold it all in to then become resentful and full of anger. Then he gave me a nice back rub. Later we watched some TV and then he had to head to work. I'm still feeling sick, so I took my dose of meds and as soon as he left, plopped down on the bed and passed out. My sleep didn't last too long, but at this point, I will take what I can get.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Terry Crews, Earl Nightingale: Becoming Your Best Self", where a combination of the best known motivational speakers and celebrities, offer up tips on becoming your best self. I really enjoy these uplifting words, but sometimes, like right after my mom gives me some 'downer' news, it doesn't really make me feel so positive.

This morning he got back a little late from work, but we still went ahead and did what we had to do (ran errands for the week). We got some kicks in, we spoke about some of the videos he watched and he told me about his night at work. Then I told him about the discussion my mother brought to my attention at 7:30 am, this morning and we spent the rest of our time together talking about that and trying to come up with solutions on handling that situation. Then we did our grocery shopping and spent $90.00, ten bucks under our $100 a week budget, you know, when I first heard about this concept I thought "there is NO WAY we would be able to afford everything we need for the week in under $100, but look at us now... between preplanning, couponing and being selective in what we buy - for the last 7 weeks, we've spent under $100 per week on groceries... if only we did this before, we would have saved thousands and I'm not exaggerating, we wasted so much money and food over the years, we were so flippant and careless and that's how we got into debt. Things will be different in 2019, on so many fronts.

Then the older one was doing her math game on her PC, the little was playing dolls, I took the time to listen to some BAE, the one I heard was "Ep: 45 Stuck in Hard Stuff? Consider EMDR". EMDR therapy is supposed to help people who are stuck and tend to overreact, because of their underlying issues. So, if you tend to irrationally react in a situation because something that someone said set you off etc, this type of therapy concept is interesting. For anyone interested in more details: What is "EMDR"? (learn more: www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr) EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can, in fact, heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. When you cut your hand, your body works to close the wound. If a foreign object or repeated injury irritates the wound, it festers and causes pain. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. EMDR therapy demonstrates that a similar sequence of events occurs with mental processes. The brain’s information processing system naturally moves toward mental health. If the system is blocked or imbalanced by the impact of a disturbing event, the emotional wound festers and can cause intense suffering. Once the block is removed, healing resumes. Using the detailed protocols and procedures learned in EMDR therapy training sessions, clinicians help clients activate their natural healing processes.

Then I listened to a really interesting video by Matthew Hussey (posted below) which could be triggering for some, so watch/listen at your own risk. The title is deceiving because what he brings up is so important for couples growth, I think it is worth listening to and then applying to your relationship if you have not already. Sex is a really important part of a relationship, not the most important part of course, but it's up there and a lot of us hold back so much, for fear of what the other person will think. So, what ends up happening is we are so ashamed to talk to our spouse about what we really want to do/try, then we go out and find a stranger to act out with - when it just shouldn't be.

I also began putting together a template for the yearly plan Wade and I had been discussing, doing research on what sorts of things we should think about including (as this is our first time doing it). Then I did some research on some clean eating diets/challenges since we wanted to try going two weeks carb free in the New Year (why I do these things to myself, whyyyyyy! lol) - found some interesting stuff to share with him.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had to have one of those uncomfortable talks, twice in one day, but I did it.

#Relationships
Relationship Advice You Need To Hear: Jay's Top 5 Tips:
https://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW/videos/vb.1557825057865287/2258190727800326/

** TRIGGER WARNING ** The title is dumb, but the content and what he says is really good for couples! worth a watch/listen!
Matthew Hussey - What Gets A Guy Sexually Hooked On You


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 332:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we had a discussion about an issue (non-recovery) that we are dealing with right now. Then we spoke about recovery topics for a bit, he told me he read my journal and that he was interested in listening to BAE's podcast about EMDR therapy. Then he got into the mood to slow dance, so we did and it was sweet. Time flew by and before we knew it, he had to start getting ready to head out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Randy Pausch and Priyanka Chopra: Discovering Your Purpose", where various motivational speakers make the point that 'change is the only constant in life' and the importance of discovering your purpose in life.

This morning we drove to the mall to walk and talk. He ended up listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 45 Stuck in Hard Stuff? Consider EMDR" and is actually pretty intrigued by it. He thinks that perhaps this type of therapy could really help him deal with a lot of unresolved issues that he has. He wants to ask his new therapist if he has heard of it and if it is something he can do, I'm not sure if all therapists are qualified to do it. Then we discussed our non-recovery issue for quite some time too. Then we listened to a video he found about anger management, but neither of us agreed with this 'professionals' take - his idea was that you shouldn't see the "bad" in an action, it's all in your head, therefore you should not be angry, it made no sense.

Today the girls wanted to go to visit their daycare, so we dropped them both off for the day. It gave me some time to just decompress, I listened to Something You Should Know's "Amazing Ways Others Influence You, Why Employers Can't Find Good Talent", where they went over the ways people influence us, in ways that we don't even realize. Jonah Berger the author of "Invisible Influence" reveals how it works and how you can be more influential.

Then I read a little bit more of my "The Budgeting Habit" book and again, the content I'm about to post, if you replace the 'money' theme, with recovery, it can be applied all the same: "Be Honest About Your Failures Sticking to a budget [recover] is a war, not a battle. It’s a process that you develop over time, not in a moment. This means you will have some slipups and tough days. Even if you fail to track your expenses for a few days, this doesn’t mean that you’re a failure. Instead, it’s a minor hiccup in your journey toward building a positive money [recovery] habit. I say all this as a reminder that an accountability buddy is not there to judge you but to support you. That’s why it’s important to be honest with this person when you have a slip-up. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Instead, you’re showing a dedication to the accountability process by admitting to those days when you’re not sticking to your budget."

Then during the car ride to pick up our girls, we just reflected on how we are both excited... yet somewhat scared about all these new beginnings and changes we've set forth to achieve in 2019, but we welcome them - well, at least if they continue going in the direction they have been, even with setbacks here and there, if we continue to talk things through, we still manage to find a way forward and that gives me some hope. We are happy to be ringing the new year, together [litteraly both present - mind, body and connected] as this new couple/us, we are not at all the same people we both were when we rung in 2018. BUT, having said all that, I can't stop my brain from being fearful of what the actual night of NYE will bring down on us, both of us - I fear that either my triggers will ruin the night or that Wade will be so overwhelmed with all of the barely dressed women there (especially his prime types) that perhaps, he'll slip so far back that he may not be able to bounce back, causing me to trigger out as well. There's a lot going through my head - believe me. I hope it won't be as bad as I think it might end up being that night... but either way, I'm hoping 2019 will be better for us, individually, as a pair and family.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finally got around to giving myself the first half of my Mani/Pedi, tomorrow part 2!

#Motivation
YOU'RE REPLACEABLE, WATCH THIS!
https://www.facebook.com/LikeTrentShelton/videos/vb.234859083260066/572363986522641/?type=2&theater

Mel Robbins - Get F**cking Real With Yourself:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 333:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he spoke with his therapist, he felt like it was a waste of time, he said everything this is guy told him he would have prepared for last night -- he didn't and said it was because of the holidays and that he was sorry. So, he pretty much spent that whole hour going back over his notes from the last session they had. Wade said at one point he got so bored, he started setting up his journal while the guy was talking. So, I'm not sure this guy is going to work out for him either. We spoke about it briefly as he wanted a break, so then we just watched some TV before he had to head out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Terri Trespicio: How To Find Your Passion", her main point? "Passion is not a job, a sport or a hobby. It is the full force of your attention and energy that you give to whatever is right in front of you. And if you’re so busy looking for this passion, you could miss opportunities that change your life. You could also miss out on great love because that’s what happens when you have tunnel vision trying to find the one. We all think we know the kind of person we are and the kind of person we could love. But sometimes we’re wrong, blissfully wrong. And sometimes you don’t know what you’re going to do next, right? I mean I don’t, I love not knowing what I’m going to be doing five years from now or what I’ll be into. And that’s okay, it’s okay not to know. You know why, because the most fulfilling relationships, the most fulfilling careers are those that still have the power to surprise you. And as for the things you know you want to do, you want to write a book, you want to start a business, you want to change careers, great. But if you’re sitting around waiting for passion to show up and take you there, you’re going to be waiting a long time. So don’t wait, instead spend your time and attention solving your favorite problems. Look for problems that need solving. Be useful, generous. People will thank you and hug you and pay you for it and that’s where passion is, where your energy and effort meet someone else’s need. That’s when you realize passion lives and realizing what you have to contribute. What do you think when you ask what they are passionate about, they say helping other people."

This morning we dropped the little one off at daycare, then took the older one down to the mall with us because she really wanted to do some stuff with dad, that could not be done with the little one around. However, since he works while she is on her winter break, he decided to suck it up and lose a little sleep, so she could have some fun today. We didn't have much of a chance to talk but he did mention that he watched a lot of videos about complacency and how it is actually comparable to being 'too comfortable', it was interesting to hear, we couldn't really go into all of it though because our daughter was in the car. Perhaps he'll tell me some more later on if there is more that is.

The rest of the day has been rather lazy for me, read my book some. Finished my nails, although I'm not too happy with the result lol so I'll probably redo it, sigh.

Ugh, my nerves are getting tighter and tighter the closer we get to the NYE party, I feel the anxiety rising, I'm not too happy about that, it's giving me headaches bad enough for me to have to take meds for.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Completed my Mani/Pedi!

#Motivation
Terri-Trespicio: Stop Searching for Your Passion (Do This Instead)


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is so touching...

 

Yep, we have, and I know - what's worst is that it is not something that we can control and that is the most frustrating part!

:-(

 

DAY 334:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night we spoke a bit more about the videos he watched, he got to elaborate on his thoughts, what he wasn't able to say in the car - when our daughter was there with us. How he thinks he might be at a complacent place at work/his career and perhaps would like to consider changing things up but wanted to hear my thoughts on that. I told him my opinion, my fears and another idea/proposition I had for him, something to maybe think about or consider. We have some time to talk about this and think some more about all of it. We also discussed how at his work holiday party we both noticed how none of the other couples were connected like at all - it's how we use to be. After learning so much about connection and body language, it was so obvious - how they were sitting, standing, mostly apart and not touching/holding hands or each other... it was sad to notice and, unfortunately, for us - that was my reality, for so many years. We both realized that we were the only couple there that holding hands, or touching/close etc.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Inspiring Message From Our Friends at Success Archive", where the main point is... the best way you can start your day is with positivity (like listening to a clip like this every morning) ... like a positive morning routine. Which has been something that I've been incorporating for almost a year now and I have to say, having a morning routine, really does make a difference on my overall outlook on life, mood, and lifestyle. Self-care plays a detrimental part in my healing and I would gather one's recovery too, just by witnessing the changes Wade has gone through.

This morning we went back to the mall, the weather was half decent, so we could have gone to the park to walk, but we were so close to earning $50, we didn't want to miss out. We earned our money today AND we had a really good talk. He told me about his night and he mentioned something he did, where he had to get comfortable, being uncomfortable with his coworker and I have to say, it's encouraging to hear and makes me proud of his progression. His coworker was ogling someone or making a comment about a woman's ass and pointed her out to Wade, but when Wade didn't react in an 'oh yeah buddy' kind of way, he off the cuff said, something like "what's wrong with you, you don't look at asses anymore?" and instead of brushing those comments off like he usually has in the past, he said that this time, he responded. He told his coworker something like "I don't need to look, I'm happy with what I have at home" and then the coworker begin ranting about how I must have him by his balls, that he's afraid to look because he fears me etc. But he said he stood his ground and said, 'no, I'm happy, I get enough at home, I just don't have the need to look' or something to the effect, I don't recall word for word, but you get the point. It was cool to hear and I'm shocked he did it, hopefully, the more he does that, the less inclined that coworker will be to point out women.

I'm just so proud of how far he has come, never in a million years did I think any of this was possible - from him having that kind of reaction in regards to checking out women at work, to not letting go of me at his work holiday party or even at the mall... to us talking in the way that we do, it's just all so unbelievable, last Jan, if you would have told me this would have been the case Dec 2018, I would have rolled my eyes, laughed and said "YEAH RIGHT!". It's been a crazy ride..................

Later today I listened to/watched "Julia Kristina - What is Gaslighting?" and it's as if she was describing me, word for word. She explains that gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to gain power over you by trying to make you believe you are crazy - even when in reality you're actually not at all. Then she breaks down the various ways you can tell that you're the victim of gaslighting. Like, if you are someone who second guesses yourself often, who doesn’t trust yourself, who frequently tries to get others to make your decisions for you, chances are at one point or another you have been gaslit. It was a good 12 minutes, worth a watch for all.

Then I read a little bit more of my "The Budgeting Habit" book and again, the content I'm about to post, if you consider recovery, in place of budgeting, the principle can be applied just the same: "The book, The One Thing tells the story of Jerry Seinfeld’s “don’t break the chain” approach that led to his success as a comedian. As the story goes, before Seinfeld became a household name, he made a commitment to write jokes every day. To keep himself accountable, he put a huge annual calendar on his wall and put a red X across every day that he wrote a joke. The goal is to not break the chain. As Seinfeld said, “Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing the chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job is to not break the chain. Don’t break the chain.” This can be a very powerful approach for you too. Put a monthly calendar on the wall, and every time you have a success, draw a big X on the day when it’s completed. Build a chain of success. You can also use Strides, Coach.me, or HabitHub to track your success; they use the same chain idea. Our main goal is to recognize that even when we have a day that’s less than perfect, we want to maintain that chain of positive action. We don’t want to have a complete break. You might have a day where you don’t do everything you planned for sticking to a budget. But even if you still spend a few minutes reviewing your budget, then you can consider that a successful day."

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The feeling/sensation I got, internally, when I hugged him for a while before he went to lay down, and it hit me - that his vacation officially started and I had him all to myself, all week, it felt good.

#Motivation
Morning Motivational Video to Start Your Day! Wake up Positive!


Thanks to @Wade W. Wilson for this, it was inspiring!
Anne Mahlum - Letting Go of Complacency:


#Healing
What is Gaslighting? 9 Signs This Type of Manipulation is Happening to You!


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------