Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Thank you!

Yes, we did discuss it and he said it was just a reflex because he didn't know anyone was behind him. That he was just playing a word game on his phone.

 

DAY 301:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked about my trigger from last evening, he explained to me that he wasn't hiding anything on his phone and he may have jolted although he didn't think he did, it was out of reflex because he didn't notice I was back there. He said he was in the middle of playing his word game on his phone and he just put it on his stomach out of reflex. He said he does see how it looked from my side of it, why I perceived it the way that I did. He offered to let me check his phone if I wanted to, but after he explained himself, I decided to take him at his word. We moved on... to more pleasant activities. It feels so good to be able to just come out with stuff now - resolve it, not bottle up, remain pissed off, tense and full of resentment.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Iyanla Vanzant: Gaining Clarity About Your Life", where she combined her professional skills with her life's lessons and talked about getting clarity and focus for a better life. Her 10 rules for success? 1. Nurture your vision, 2. Love what you do, 3. Stop whining, 4. Keep it simple, 5. Refuse to fail, 6. Hold to your clarity, 7. Be authentic, 8. Be mindful of your words, 9. Be Good to you, 10. Be clear.

This morning we had to go to the supermarket for our weekly grocery shopping. So we did that, we run around the store so much, it's just like walking the trail anyway lol and we aced it! saved about $45 dollars through coupons/discounts and we walked out of the store spending a total of $95.80, so we were under our $100 per week on grocery budget! woohoo! and I even got to get all of the items in my "maybe" pile! ha! it really feels so rewarding I have to say. Wade and I are really having fun with this whole budgeting this, now if only it wasn't the holiday season, which puts a dent in things... sigh, January should be easier on the purse strings though, we will reevaluate then.

Today, I read a little more of my book and got through some more of his sample habits on finance and I've actually been doing some of them already, then I also watched an interesting short clip of a few celebrities talking about how porn has badly affected and influenced society and alters our views on everything (but this community knows that all too well), then I noticed a hashtag, clicked on it and apparently there's a whole anti-porn movement that I am just finding out about. Their website "fightthenewdrug.org" has so many links and resources, it's quite informative, worth a look for anyone who has not already seen it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved that I fit into my old, smallest pair of jeans!

#Motivation
Iyanla Vanzant's Top 10 Rules For Success


#Addiction
5 Celebrities Share Their Experiences With Porn


#fightthenewdrug I didn't know this hashtag was a thing! but it is!
https://fightthenewdrug.org/get-involved/


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 302:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk, we watched The Walking Dead, we were two episodes behind. Which for us is crazy, we're geeks remember, we have one more to watch to catch up to our friends and hopefully no one will spoil anything before then lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "The Journey of Purpose: Living Life Fully", which was an audio clip that was full of inspiring and encouraging messages from various speakers, telling us that we need to live fully, appreciating the life we've been given.

This morning Wade got held up at work, so I walked alone as I waited for him to pick me up... I decided to listen to BAE. The next podcast was "Your Child is Watching Porn, Now What?" I wasn't too sure if I wanted to listen to it, but now I am glad that I did because I feel I am better prepared for the inevitable situation I'll be facing as a parent of a pre-teen... soon enough. They go over things like 'what do you do when your child is watching porn?' 'what is the right approach? how can you help them maneuver through it successfully.' They share a lot of helpful insights from their own experience on how to tackle this issue. Definitely worth a listen, for all parents. Then, I thought I would turn on some music because I figured he would be picking me up soon, but he sent me a message that he was nowhere near being done. He was upset because he had listened to a podcast that he wanted to relisten to with me this morning during the walk, so we could discuss it but now he couldn't, he told me it was an older one, I listened to a while ago. I told him it's okay, we can do it later. But, since I was going to be there a while longer, I decided to refresh my memory and relisten to it, "The Right Kind of Check In" - this could be a controversial one in this community as every couple has their own opinions, methods, and ideas... on what works or does not work for them... for Wade and I, what we have going on, works for us... rigorous honesty both from him and from me, to each other, no matter how painful or uncomfortable - we will weather the storm that follows, but what must be said, has to be said. BAE cover the basics here, like in their opinion: what do you say/what don't you say? Is a right and wrong way of doing this? this is a delicate and very important process and the right kind of check-in is key to a successful recovery, healing, and relationship. I'm excited to revisit this again with him tonight and compare how we've been doing it compared to them and others. He still wasn't ready to pick me up, so decided to take a break from recovery casts and turned on Something You Should Know Podcast "How Music Affects You, Facts You Never Knew Were True & Neat vs Messy" the first interview was very interesting, it was with Dan Levitin author of This is Your Brain on Music where he explores how the components of music, such as timbre, rhythm, pitch, and harmony directly ties to our neuroanatomy, neurochemistry, cognitive psychology, and evolution. Basically how your brain’s natural opioids are released when you are grooving to your favorite music. This is the same chemical reaction in your noggin that lights up when you have sex, taste food or partake in recreational drugs. Cool, right? and I love music, hmm lol maybe that's why it's my go-to when I'm feeling down.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got a bit of 'downer' news, but still looking upwards.

#Motivation
LOVE YOURSELF | Positive Morning Motivation


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 303:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we listened to and discussed BAE's "The Right Kind of Check In" podcast. At first, Wade and I were a tad bit confused with BAE's messaging because they began with "check in's with your SO aren't a good idea, because you need a separate sponsor, she can not be your sponsor" their reasoning is because this will keep the addict always in a heightened sense of shame and the SO will always get provoked by that and be in her fear cycle, so neither will be able to really heal or recover, as one will constantly trigger the other -- which goes against their usual message of rigorous honesty, well at least in our opinions. Towards the end, they go into 'fewer check-ins' but more emotional connection and communication. That is how Wade and I started (his initiative) and continue this recovery. We never really set boundaries or had any 'check-ins' at set times or lists with items to check off, but just daily intimate talks, where we would/do discuss everything in a calm, comfortable and safe environment - which so happened to foster the kind of connection we've developed and I don't think we would have, without it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Simon Sinek: Developing A Givers Mentality", he talks with us about shares his thoughts on Developing A Givers Mentality. When you give, what you are really doing is buying yourself a reward, because you feel so much more fulfilled.

This morning we talked about the podcast I listened to on my own yesterday and he listened to at work last night, which was "Your Child is Watching Porn, Now What?" now we are both better prepared for the inevitable situation we'll be facing as parents of a pre-teen. We even talked about perhaps having 'the talk' with her, together, soon. It's nerve-wracking for sure and such an uncomfortable topic, but our parents never had these talks with us... but it's better for us to do it, then for her to hear about it from her friends at school.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Had a good parenting talk with Wade, very productive.

#Motivation
SimonSays - Courage


SimonSays - Nervous vs. Excited


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 304:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we did not talk, we finally finished the midseason finale of The Walking Dead. As a fan, I think they should have ended the series last season... anyway...

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Tony Robbins: Ending Self Sabotage", where he talks about how to go about ending self-sabotage, which I'm a pro at. His tips? don't get caught up in your limitations or don't assign limitations to yourself, because they may not even be there, to begin with. Do not make Self-Sabotage a thing. It is just a tendency. A pattern that can be scrambled. If this tendency is occurring. It is because ultimately my brain is employing it as a strategy to escape pain and increase pleasure. I need to explain to my brain that in the long run – the sabotage actually creates much more pain than the short-term discomfort. It's weird but somehow his breakdown, when he says it, makes sense lol.

This morning we opted for indoor walking because it was very windy, which made it feel even colder than normal. I forgot to mention in my earlier post that two days ago he told me that he got a weird friend request from a random girl on facebook. He said he clicked into the profile to see if it was someone he knew and it turned out to be a bot/fake account with a bunch of P. He told me he immediately deleted the request as soon as he realized what it was and closed out facebook. We talked about it, I asked him if he had an urge to stay on it, look for more or do anything - he said no, he actually felt panicked and freaked out by it. We hadn't brought it up since. Last night he said he had a situation where he used the cheerleader method and beard method that he learned from his book. I'm glad he is utilizing the tools he is learning and applying them, real-world instead of resorting to old behaviors and patterns. We had a pretty good talk this morning. I asked him how everything has been going overall (PA, compulsive lying, shame) and he said everything was fine, I said chances are that because of all his work on recovery things are all working themselves out. During the card ride to the mall, he mentioned that he wanted to tell me something but forgot. While we were walking he remembered, he brought up the facebook incident again. He said when he was thinking about it (after-thoughts) and rationalizing the thoughts/feelings he got from it, he began getting a tingling sensation - which now he thinks may have been somewhat of an urge. He said that it hit him, that in the past, if this came up he would have thought/considered this a great backdoor channel to P, because on the outskirts it would have come up in history as "Facebook", so it could have been easy, secret access to P for him without getting caught. So, I asked him, do you think if you were in the car/driving you would have kept clicking through and may be used it to relapse? he said no, he doesn't think so. I'm not too sure if he sounded very secure in his response though, and that kind of scares me. It is one of my biggest fears, that one day, he will get bored with me again - with what we have, then something or someone will 'pop up' randomly and trigger him, but this time the environment will be different, more suitable for relapse, like while he isn't behind the wheel in traffic. Maybe he'll be going to sleep, close the door ... grab his phone to check a few last things and something will pop up and, one wrong/bad decision - it's game over. Because then we will be in unknown territory - his shame could swallow him whole, causing him to go right back to lying, instead of coming to me and being honest... and then it will all begin, all over again... I fear this, every single day and this is something I don't know if I want to/can live with, for the rest of my life, I mean can someone be truly happy, always living in a state of fear?

This afternoon I read a bit more habits from Habit Stacking, so much helpful information there, I'm going to be making a big list for myself (my favs) -- this one offered some cool food substitutions and I thought I would share:

#42. Replace One Food Item
Type: Keystone habit
Best time to complete: Anytime
Frequency: Daily
Benefit: We all know it’s important to eat healthier, but sometimes it’s hard to make smart food choices when we’re tired, stressed out, and overbooked. So, one simple habit you can build is to make a single food substitution each day. Many foods have common alternatives that are a lot healthier. These choices are often lower in calories and almost always have better vitamins and nutrients. Swapping out food not only improves your health, but it can also positively impact your weight loss efforts.

Description: This is a simple process. In the morning, when you’re planning your day, think about what you’re going to eat. After going through this mental list, make a commitment to swap out just one of these items with a healthy alternative. Here are just a few examples (based on a similar cooking and prep time).
You could try substituting:

• Rice with quinoa
• Bacon with turkey bacon
• Soda with tea
• White bread with whole grain bread Mayonnaise with mustard or avocado
• Ground beef with ground turkey
• Ketchup with salsa
• Sour cream with Greek yogurt
• Milk with almond milk (regular milk has six times the sugar of almond milk)
• Eggs with Egg Beaters or two egg whites for each egg
• Vegetable oil with coconut oil
• Croutons in salads with almonds
• Potato chips with non- (or lightly) buttered popcorn
• Bread with pita
• Iceberg lettuce with arugula, romaine, spinach, and/or kale

Tonight Wade is off, I'm looking forward to some relaxation!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
A few threats/triggers, I ignored them... and kept my composure! #selfgrounding

#Motivation
Tony Robbins - How to eliminate Self-Sabotage


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 305:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last evening we had a family movie night, we watched the Avengers Infinity War (pt 1) with the girls, our eldest was hooked! I was shocked. It was time well spent. We skipped our nightly talk, as we spoke earlier in the morning.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Les Brown: Getting Unstuck", talks about something we all have experience with. That is getting unstuck. His main point is, one of the things that we know about life is that it is always changing. Sometimes you’re up; sometimes you’re down. Sometimes things go really well, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes you’re happy and sometimes you’re sad. Now that’s that thing called life, when we begin to understand and know that, accepting that reality that we will never ever have things just on an even keel all the time. But you’re going to have some ups, and you’re going to have some downs. But during those down moments, that’s where the growth takes place. That’s where the work is.

This morning we decided to go to a different mall, I don't think we'll be coming to this one too often LOL we can not afford any of the stores in it aha. But we got our walk and talk in, so it was good anyway. Wade also found a comic store, so that was one benefit of this place. The talk was deep, he had a few issues, well discrepancies/questions about my journal post from last night. We discussed it and I think he understood my point better, well what I was trying to say and I heard his point out as well. We also talked about his work holiday party and how I don't want to ruin his fun, he said I wouldn't, I agreed to go, I guess we will see what happens. Then we talked about my fears about NYE, he is actually going to be off and I found an event we can go to... but I am so afraid of it being a triggerfest, that I don't think it's even worth going out anywhere. Sigh and that is what I keep circling back to, what type of life is this. Like, he finally is home, not working on NYE and because of me and my issues... we can't go anywhere.

This evening we had an official date night! which was great, even though we've been having mini-dates all the time now (well, that's what it has been feeling like) this was still different, because it was adult time, at a sit-down restaurant, with a reservation and all. Wade looked very handsome, he wore a bowtie for the first time and looked great, but he looks good in anything. I was catching myself staring into his eyes as he was taking, they are crystal blue and it felt like I was drowning in them, I love his eyes. It was a very nice evening, no triggers or issues. We had some deep discussions about his therapy session, also about us. Then (based on our convo) he asked me what he could do to help me believe him when he says that now, he is surer than ever that I am what he wants and is attracted to... no matter who is around... if I start believing in him, that he is really working his recovery and self-care, why can't I believe him when it comes to that... short answer? who the hell knows, it's up to my brain and apart of my brain that I have no control over when it gets set off. Overall the dinner was lovely, I had a wonderful time out with him.

After some thought... as I sit here writing my journal, I really do believe, the long answer to his big question is that my brain is the problem, because of the triggers that trigger my bad PTSD (not all do, but some) I just can't help where my mind goes... I wish I could move on and never have a trigger, ever again, I hate them. It drains the life out of me and I find it pathetic that not only can I, not go out with peace of mind anymore - now, but he also won't be able to enjoy going anywhere with me either, because of this brain damage. Every single "fun" time could end up in ruin, because of me, because I may end up getting triggered. It's just so stupid and I hate it. So, what's the one solution to this problem? well, we can't replace my brain, as we don't have the funds for that - the only other option for him, is to just replace me... he keeps saying that he'll be fine and he can deal with it, but we can't stay locked up at home for the rest of our lives either eventually he won't want to live this way anymore, because it's just not a reasonable way to live when in a relationship. Maybe general 'meh' women won't trigger me so bad over time, but I don't know if my brain will ever get to the point where, if one of his 'primes' passes by or is close, I won't automatically get triggered into feeling like I am in competition, that I have to be on high alert, feeling insecure of my place in this relationship/where I stand in his eyes, compared to someone like that and then the 'why's' 'well it's because she has __ and I don't have __" comparisons begin between her and I (in my head), which will then turn my brain into mush and meltdown mode, all the while on the outside I have to keep up appearances in front of everyone (kids, family or whoever is around atm). As I've mentioned, it is so exhausting and I wish I could snap this crap outta my head.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I love the way my new low-cost, but expensive looking boots look with everything!

#Motivation
Les Brown Getting Unstuck


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 306:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last evening was great, our date was at least, I really enjoyed myself and so did he. Well, that didn't last long though. After we got home, the kids went to bed, we finished our journals ... where I pondered a bit more the question he asked me during our dinner and wrote what my thoughts/feelings came up with -- I responded with my truth, my feelings and well, the words he read frustrated him. Granted, I can understand that because he is trying to be different and my words hurt him because he can't change what's going on in my head, I mean - how, I can barely do that. Anyway, after we were both done with our journals, he came out with a bone to pick, claiming that I was being unreasonable with my thoughts, he vented out his frustrations about MY FEELINGS, how he feels that my feelings are not the facts and it just frustrates him - he was loud, a bit obnoxious and it really threw me because that was the complete opposite of being empathic of my feelings and what he has been trying to be/do the last few months. When he finally came down and we talked, I told him, 'imagine how you would feel if I would react with so much emotion, every time you told me something?' and he said he understood and after some rationalization, he realized his outburst may have been because he was more pissed at himself and not me etc. I told him, at that point, it made no difference to me because his initial reaction - kind of proved my whole point to begin with. It also makes me not want to share my truth with him, because what's the point if he reacts like that? he nodded that he understands he reacted wrong. We did talk it out a bit at night, both of us felt better after.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Bob Proctor: How To Improve Self Image", he shares some very useful thoughts with about 'How To Improve Self Image' by changing our paradigms, his point is it's not what you say out of your mouth that determines your life, it's what you whisper to yourself that has the most power. His sample was if you do not change the mindset, someone who believes they are fat and decides to go on a diet to lose weight, they are doing it to adjust what they see in the mirror but not what they play out in their minds. That is why they often end up gaining weight right back, because without the proper mindset, your lifestyle does not change, so you go right back to how you were, nothing changes until your mind changes.

This morning I listened to "6 Months NO PORN (why I gave it up)" and some of the stuff he said/brought up actually sounds a lot like what Wade has been telling me, it's interesting. The points he made and just how he phrases everything was straight, honest and to the point. He also recommended another video, the one that started him on his journey and that video was good too: "Why I Stopped Watching Porn". Both of these videos are both a watch for both PA's and SO's. Then we drove down to the mall and walked, shopped and talked for almost 3.5hrs and it was a very productive/breakthrough type of talk. I think I finally got through to him, what I kept implying when I was trying to explain that there were differences in the types of triggers I got and that my responses differ depending on the trigger etc. That there are so many different layers to my triggers, dependant on who triggers me, because not every 'type' of woman leads to the same type of 'trigger' reaction within me, that's why some are mild triggers, while others I need to ground myself in order to calm down and others just stop me in my tracks and I just need to be left alone until I calm down, nothing helps. I told him that even though he plays a big part in my triggers - in the sense that my mind automatically turns to "what is he thinking", and yes I go into competition mode and think he wants 'her' more than me etc., but with some of the prime types, my mind also ends up agreeing with the reasons why because I see that yes she is prettier than me, she does have a better ass, she has better this or that so obviously it makes sense why he would prefer her instead of me etc. It's complicated, I know, but I think when I verbalized it earlier it made some sort of sense to him. We both felt accomplished with the talk. AND YES, much like Wade's frustrations, some of your reading will think "well didn't you just say you listened to that guy who said the same thing about quitting porn and finding his wife beautiful again! hotter than the porn stars" -- yeah, and I get all that, but when all of a sudden I see "her" (a prime trigger) - 12 years of mental fuckery gets triggered and all that rational gets thrown right out the window and I'm right back in the thick of my PTSD, in the middle of the trauma, it's as if I'm back reliving myself watching him, watching them and everything else is non-existent (logic, common sense, rationale) it's like I can not reach it/my mind is tuned out and in another place... I don't know how else to explain it, but I can not control my brain when the trigger ticks off, period.

This evening his parents came over. They brought over some food and it was from a place that I enjoy, so it was yummy. I probably gained like 3 lbs, but whatever LOL. It is still awkward after all of our discussions and discoveries to just sit and act normal these days, both Wade and I feel it. We got through it, now I can not wait to put the kiddos to bed and just decompress because I think my energy for the day has been depleted.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I like the way my hair looked today when it was loose.

#Addiction
6 Months NO PORN (why I gave it up)


Why I Stopped Watching Porn:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 307:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he gave me a nice and soothing massage, I really enjoy them and he knows it LOL because my back always feels like a bulldozer rammed into it. As he did it, he told me a lot of touching and sweet things, also verbalized a lot of real remorse for his past actions and I appreciate him finally understanding what has occurred and how much I have actually endured, on my own and silently for years. Afterward, we watched a Dry Bar Comedy special on Amazon Prime and that was nice too, just to mellow out. Then we ended the night on a sweet note... then I went to sleep and he had to stay up, as we usually do when he has to go back to work the next night. I passed out, so I don't know what time he got back into bed or what he was doing the whole time.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Rick Warren: Living a Purpose Driven Life", where he explains how we should go on, living a purpose driven life. Have a belief system, don't be about materialism and assume that - that is "the good life", having "things" because that's not what really makes you happy. A good life is not about looking good, money or things, when we give and provide service for others, that provides fulfillment and true happiness. I think, personally, when you don't have the means to give with money, something you can give? knowledge, advice, maybe talent that you can lend (like design graphics for free for a nonprofit, in my case). I will definitely consider this, maybe Wade, I and the girls should do something, it may help us all. Volunteermatch.org may be a good start.

This morning he slept in because he has to go to work tonight. I spent it sorting the laundry he did last night and hanging out with our little one, trying on some hand me downs. Then I did some research for him, about some Marine Corps detachment activities in our area. He met some vets doing a Toys for Tots drive at the mall and seemed intrigued about maybe doing some volunteer work with them, but they were from a different county so due to the location it wouldn't be so easy for him to attend their meetings and events. I also did my weekly coupon/circular loading, so we're ready for our grocery shopping tomorrow!

This afternoon we attended our eldest daughters school friends holiday party, they let us know we were more than welcome to come as well and bring the little one. So, we went and overall it was pleasant. Her family/their friends aren't usually the type of people we hang out with (socially), they are quite, umm... boring? but we still made sure to put our phones away, we both engaged in conversation, were alert, actively listening and responding -- I think it was a good social experience for everyone involved. Before recovery, it would have probably been a snoozefest for us, we would have both been sitting on the couch, next to each other but not paying each other any attention, just playing on our phones, waiting for an appropriate amount of time to pass where it would be okay to leave, but not this time, we made the best of it. The kids had a fun time playing together too, we spent almost 4 hours there.

When we got back home, we bumped into our new neighbor and she seemed friendly, I already forgot her name though, I am bad with that stuff though. Wade prompted the introduction, as she was already entering her apartment, but I'm not sure if he did it because she was his 'type' and he wanted to get a better look or because he wanted to be 'neighborly' - I never know these days, I mean I know what he will tell me ("I was trying to be polite, are you kidding!") - I just don't know the truth (the real motivate). Because she is definitely someone he would have enjoyed ogling in the past. I'm not quite sure how I feel about her being right next door, for us to bump into all the time... as if the one down the hall wasn't enough. The world is sending me signs I guess, that these triggers are here to stay forever - in my face and I need to decide if I want to or can live with them or not.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I love the way these new jeans fit!

#Motivation
Rick Warren - A Life of Purpose
https://www.ted.com/talks/rick_warren_on_a_life_of_purpose?language=en

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 308:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we had a nice talk, it came right after a somewhat good talk with our daughter too (until she got bored and began tuning us out). We discussed our day, the changes we've noticed that both of us have made, even in the way we would have acted at that family's house. Then we spoke about our new neighbor and he said she didn't even qualify for him to do his beard test, that he was just being neighborly etc. I explained to him that it was difficult for me to believe he didn't notice and he said in the past he wouldn't have introduced himself or us, he would have preferred to just watch her (ogle) enter her apartment and act like he didn't do anything wrong. He asked me -- "if I didn't react to her at all, doesn't make you feel better about it?" but my answer was no... because my issue is her presence... she is going to be there now, the thought of her, always with me - I'll always be paranoid that I'll/we'll/he'll bump into her at any moment, get triggered at any moment -- 'will he look if I'm not near' all that jazz etc. Sigh.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "On The Radar: How to Stop Being Afraid of Happiness", where various speakers share some useful thoughts about how to stop being afraid of happiness. We must stop fearing the possible negative outcomes of the unknown. What happens in the fearful mind is it starts asking the question, what if…? It follows that phrase with a negative statement. What if this terrible thing happens? instead of "it will lead to good things" our first thought is a play on our fears. The more we let fear control our minds, the less we allow ourselves to be happy. Some good articles on this: Why Am I Afraid Of Happiness? Experts Reveal Why You Feel This Way & How To Overcome It | 4 Steps To Let Go Of Past Fears That Are Cursing You In The Present.

This morning we went on our weekly grocery run, saved about $40 worth in coupons and we were even under our $100 weekly budget! we also were able to stock up on some pantry stuff, so it was great. Both of us were excited, I am even more excited to really kick budgeting into high gear starting in January, once the holidays are over. It's really difficult to budget with a lot of random expenses, like gifts, events, tickets etc. Hopefully, with him having the first week of January off, we will be able to find sometime when the girls are back in school, no one else is home and there are no other obligations - so we can sit down and write out the yearly 'tentative' plan and budget. He also told me about a few videos he watched at work, by JK - about addiction, recovery and what you should and should not be doing. He also said he received some insightful and helpful advice from one of his AP's friends that he was excited to share with me. It's great that his AP's friend is kind enough to provide his advice, free of charge and it's always so helpful. The only thing that sucks is realizing how much the therapists we are paying for - SUCK lol. He is not happy with the guy he has now, so Wade thinks it is time to change it up again and this may be his last try for now.

He mentioned that tonight he wanted to listen to a BAE podcast and discuss it, can't wait. I am feeling so out of it today, I hope I don't pass out lol.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I love working a budget, with Wade - as a team, and I realized that the thought of that makes me really happy!

#Healing
How to Overcome Fear


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 309:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night Wade surprised me with a cute little gesture, when I got out of the shower, I noticed a hot pink sticky under my phone; he wrote a message on there that said "check the note on your phone", so I did... then that note told me to check the video in my gallery it was a super sweet message about us and our progress. I loved both the message and the little hunt to get to it! We then listened to "Don't Confuse Being Nice with Being Honest" a podcast by BAE, while he rubbed my feet. Where they really take an honest look at what it means to have a healthy recovery/healing dynamic and relationship. Wade and I really agree with their points here, especially since we've actually experienced the aftermath of a few real-life situations where we've had the opportunity to put this to the test - authentically honest with the right tone and authentically honest with an aggressive tone and that makes a big difference as well. Learning to react to your spouse's truth/honesty also plays a big role in how you progress as a couple. Is it uncomfortable? very. Is it scary to be authenticly honest? YES! because you never know what reaction the other person could give you... but being compliant (for either him or me) only ends up being confused with being "nice and honest", when in fact, all it does is cause resentment, drama and more problems in the long run. However, when Wade can give me an honest answer, feeling or opinion - even if it doesn't please me that very moment, it shows me that he is being honest with both himself and me. As Brandon says, "In the end, both the betrayed and the addict want to live in truth and both will be served by it". Then he also read a very sweet response one of his AP's pro-friends made about how you know if you are reconnecting too fast or not.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Stephen Duneier: How to Achieve Your Most Ambitious Goals", was an interesting listen for me. He talks about the Pomodoro technique without mentioning it, just like my book does. His main point is, don't just jump into reaching a goal and try to rush yourself into getting 'there' because you will crash and burnout. So, for example, you want to lose weight, don't crash diet and spend 24/7 in a gym for a week to lose a quick 10lbs... Don't even think about the number of pounds you need to lose, the idea is to focus on building the routines and habits to support the healthy lifestyle that puts you on a path to losing weight.

When I logged into Facebook, I found another little surprise from him on my page, it was a photo collage he made that said "I Love You" out of the photos we took, during our Alphabet photography challenge! 1) I was shocked that he thought of something like this. 2) I was so shocked that I did a double take because I couldn't believe he took the extra step to think about using our actual images/photos to make the words and 3) This was just so sweet and unlike anything, he would have ever done before. I loved it so much and now he suggested we do something similar, but life-size to go up on our wall at home - with some recent photos of us all, from when we were genuinely happy and not fake.

This morning we had a good talk again, he was excited to tell me that he felt accomplished with his recovery work. He went over the points JK made in his videos, how he related his own recovery to them and then we spent a lot of time discussing how fragile the beginning of recovery/healing could be. Sometimes, if given the wrong advice or advice in the wrong way, it can sway the addict or the betrayed in a completely different direction. That is why it is so important to educate yourself, no matter which side of the isle you are on, so you don't take anyone's advice as a rule of thumb and run with it. You need to be well rounded in order to really be able to figure out what is right or wrong for you | good or bad for you.

Later on in the day, I spent a few hours working on various work projects for clients, then helping my mom with her medical billing issues. I also finished a chapter in my book "Habit Stacking" and finished setting up our next photography challenge "30 Day Gratitude Photography Challenge" that we will be starting in January. Then I watched a few YouTube Videos broad spectrum, posted all of them below: one about addiction, healing, and self-care. So, I feel quite a bit accomplished today as well. My body though feels like a pile of... $h*t.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
That I got butterflies in my stomach from Wade's creative gestures, twice in 24 hours!

#Addiction
Jack Fischer - Porn The New Tobacco:


#Healing
4 Signs that a Man LOVES you and Adores You (number 2 may surprise you)


#Motivation
Stephen Duneier - How to Achieve Your Most Ambitious Goals:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 310:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we skipped the talk and watched Altered Carbon, damn that show is just getting better and better. We had to stop watching because he needed to leave for work, but we didn't want to stop LOL! it was nice just laying/sitting with each other and watching.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Mark Hyman: Saying Yes When You Mean No", he shares some useful information on saying yes when you mean no and the harm it does when you do that. We are back to the topic of rigorous honesty and being authentic LOL! this podcast is literally about that. When you people please, be compliant just to "keep the peace" - what you end up doing is create a war within yourself.

This morning we listened to BAE's "Objectifying That Woman" podcast, where they talked about what does it mean when you objectify women and how/if it is different from lusting. How the addict in recovery must always be honest with his SO, even when he is in shame because to the betrayed she can't tell the difference between his shame or acting out - it all looks the same to us. When is it or is it okay to find other people attractive and can you, if you don't take it further and lust after them? can a PA not take it there, given their track record? can a SO who struggles with so much betrayal trauma and issues because of his behavior, ever learn to be okay with notices or be able to have enough safety and security to know he's not really lusting? there was a lot of good content here. Wade and I discussed it all, I also told him that of course, it depends on the couple and their history too -- how bad of an ogler he was, like in Wade's case, he completely destroyed me for over a decade and it wasn't one big hit and done, it was slowly sucking the life out of me gradually day by day. There was no ogle free safe space for me, doctors office? he'd check out a nurses ass. Dentist's office? the assistant, school event? mom's, on a date with me? everyone and their mother was checked out - like literally, I could not catch a break, his eyes were on everyone BUT me, for 12+ years. So, I don't know if I could see myself having a future conversation with him at a restaurant, where I'd be like, "yeah babe, I know you noticed that waitress has a nice rack, that's cool, so, what'cha ordering?"

When we got home, he surprised me with another mini-note game, left a sticky to check my phone, then a note in my phone to check my gallery, with a photo of a yummy surprise he bought for me that he put in the fridge. It was a yummy surprise, authentic Flan - which he knows I love. We talked about plans for NYE and doing something lowkey, but still going out even if it's the two of us etc. I was in such a good mood after this and the last few days, he was happy too and then he went to go to sleep for the day. I decided to help him out and do something for him that he has been putting off forever. I needed his phone to verify some stuff for that task, so I had to go back into the bedroom to grab it and that's when things went south for me. About 15-20 minutes had passed since he "went to sleep", but when I walked into the room, he was awake, walking to his desk to put his phone down to charge, turning it off at the same time. I got TRIGGERED into oblivion, I can not even describe the rage and various sensations that came over me at that very moment. 1000's of fears, thoughts, and assumptions were firing off within me the minute I walked in and saw him - up, not sleeping and on his phone when we both knew he was supposed to be sleeping. Of course, he immediately began apologizing swearing he wasn't doing anything, that he was just reading his comic book and it was an interesting part and he couldn't put it down and lost track of time - blah, blah, blah << that's all I was hearing at the moment, excuses. I told him to just stop, I don't want to talk about anything right now, I just don't feel like it and I just want to go back to what I was doing. Internally I was enraged and triggered, I NEEDED TIME, but of course, he followed me and continued apologizing and justifying the reasons why he was on his phone -- completely missing the point, the trigger had been set off already, at this point it did not matter whether it was a comic on his screen or a half-naked fb friend, the trigger started the minute I walked into that scene and saw him awake, standing with his phone and not sleeping when he should have been - I felt like I was hit by a truck. Him trying to explain to me that he started reading that part earlier, so he just wanted to finish it and didn't realize he wouldn't be able to put it down and lost track of time etc., does not make a difference, at all. Then it felt like he was pressuring me into defining whether or not I thought he, at this point, was looking at porn or not. He repeatedly kept asking me, "what do you think I was looking at?" "do you think I was looking at porn?" -- questioning if I trust him enough right now or not I guess. When at the end of the day, my trigger wasn't about what he was looking it, it was about all of the questions/assumptions that his mindless, thoughtless actions have now opened for me. I know he probably thought he was holding my space, but he spent a lot of the time justifying his actions with excuses, then patronizing me which was unfortunate - let's just say, I'm glad I didn't book the NYE evening yet, this experience left a bad taste in my mouth. Granted it could be my trigger speaking, but now I just don't know if I want to deal with a possible trigger on NYE too, cause this may happen again. I'm so frustrated right now, I don't even want to talk tonight either, I'm glad we talked this morning.

In the afternoon I read further into my book "Habit Stacking", where the author brought up a habit that I've been incorporating for months and it is so simple but works, he also reminded me of the original person who inspired me to start too!

#76. Make Your Bed
Type: Keystone habit
Best time to complete: Morning
Frequency: Daily
Benefit: I hate writing about habits that seem obvious, like brushing your teeth, eating your vegetables, or making your bed. But in life, sometimes the smallest of actions can have a powerful impact on your daily success.

In a commencement speech at the University of Texas, US Navy Admiral William H. McCraven said the following to the graduating class: If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task, and another, and another. And by the end of the day that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. So, yes, making your bed might seem like a “little” thing, but completing this habit daily can provide many positive benefits: Creating a positive mood where every subsequent time you enter the room your mood will lighten as you see this fresh and clean area. Decreasing your levels of stress because you’ve reduced one less “thing” to worry about. Creating a sense of accomplishment. Productivity is simply stringing together accomplishments. By making your bed, you quickly check off the first task on your list and build momentum for the rest of the day. Reducing any type of embarrassment when someone visits your home and the room looks messy. Yes, making your bed seems like a major habit, but just remember the advice from Admiral McCraven: “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.”


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Happy that we got over 500 shopkicks today!

#Motivation
Stop Being “Nice” and Do This Instead:


Admiral William McRaven - Change the World by Making Your Bed:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 311:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we ended up talking about my trigger/his response from earlier in the day, even though I didn't want to talk about it and I told him we should just go watch TV instead. Was I wrong? probably - were my old behaviors creeping up and causing me to act out because I was so frustrated with his response that morning? most likely. But, he wanted to talk and refused to take no for an answer. I guess at the end of the day, I am glad about that because after our talk we were both in a different place. This time when I explained myself - he actually HEARD me and listened. He mentioned he heard the words coming out of my mouth at the time of the situation but he was so in 'fix-it' mode, that he wasn't really listening to understand, he was only interested in fixing the situation asap. Afterward, he said he understood how he came off and will try to never repeat this again. I guess time will tell, the talk was helpful and both of us felt better after.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Carrie Green: Programming Your Mind For Success", her main point? if you can get your mind to be certain that you can make something happen, that somehow you can make it happen. Because success is no accident, you have to do it on purpose, your mind has to be programmed (either towards the positive or negative). It starts by knowing exactly what it is you want to achieve, knowing why you want to achieve it, knowing what kind of person do you need to become, to achieve it - to make it happen and then program your mind to make it happen.

This morning after listening to the podcast and mulling it over for about 40 minutes of stop and going on the checkout page ... I decided to just do it - Mel Robbins style 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and book the NYE party tickets or I would have never done it... and not the low key one where the possibilities of triggers would be less likely compared to the others, you know a nice event to just to go somewhere. I ended up getting tickets for the event I truly wanted to go to, the one where one of my favorite singers will be performing for the ball drop, there's a dance floor, food and drinks all included in the price... why was I mulling it over so long? it's just a party after all, right?! wrong! well, not for me at least... this one was more expensive than the other choices and money is tight. Plus, I didn't know if I wanted to go anywhere at all (this year) because of how most of our outings have been over the years (any occasion) with his severe ogling, granted I know he is in recovery right now and has been better with that, but this is NYE and people will be 'dressed to impress/sexy' and with an open bar, anything is possible - so I'm stressing out that it will be trigger city for me/him and NYE could be ruined within seconds, and even worse if it gets really bad and I have to leave (early!?), WE have to leave, it will be a huge waste of money, a whole night ruined, and not just any night but NYE and will end up being a horrible shit-stain on our memories. Another thing I'm afraid of is I will be so focused on all of what I just mentioned above, that I will not be able to enjoy myself at all because all I will be thinking about/worried about is possible triggers. I'm getting anxiety and regrets just thinking about it right now, luckily the page says I can cancel up to 7 days before the event. I want to go, but I don't want to go and not enjoy myself or ruin his night, because that's a lot of money to lose. If it was just me and my girlfriends going, I wouldn't even think twice, because we all love this singer and we've prob have a few drinks and dance the night away as we rung in the New Year, I'd actually be pumped about going. However, I'm not going with my girlfriends, I'm going with my PA recovering husband and that changes everything for me, my state of mind/mood just going into this event is completely different because I'm more fearful rather than excited about it. I am trying to be positive and hope for the best, but I just can't help where my mind goes when I think about going out with him into these sorts of events, unfortunately. It's going to take a lot of self-control not to talk myself out of going before I can get my full refund back.

We talked and shopkicked a bit, he was happy I booked NYE and a lot more hopeful than I was about it all. We had a very good and productive talk about how a man suttlely shows a woman he loves her. How small actions and behaviors lead to huge impacts on the relationship and how they act towards each other - it makes a big difference. Another thing that makes a big difference is if it comes from the heart and is genuine, not faked in order to get something from the other person.

In the afternoon, following the Pomodoro technique I took a break from work and I read some more of my book "Habit Stacking", where the author brought up a habit that really hits the spot with what has happened/trigger & response, something @Wade W. Wilson would benefit from reading.

#104. Pause Before Discussing Sensitive Topics
Type: Support habit
Best time to complete: Anytime
Frequency: Daily
Benefit: There is a great quote about conflicts and arguments: “10% of conflicts are due to a difference of opinion and 90% is due to the wrong tone of voice.” I’m sure these percentages are not scientifically accurate, but there is a lot of truth to the underlying message—conflicts most often arise from how you say something rather than what you say. That’s why it’s important to build a habit where you pause (for at least a few seconds) before engaging in a sensitive conversation. This will give you enough time to consider what you want to say and how you want to say it. Done correctly, this habit will minimize the arguments that often arise when there is a difference of opinion.

Description: The way you share your viewpoints sets the stage for how other people will react. By pausing and thinking of a diplomatic way to say the exact same thing you originally intended, you also set the stage for a peaceful conflict resolution. Here’s how this works: Identify those “crucial conversations” that require careful, measured responses. If a conversation has started, listen carefully to what the other person is saying. During these discussions, pause for a moment to give yourself time to think of what you’ll say next. Take a deep breath. If the other person has valid points, try to acknowledge these points in your response. Respond in a carefully measured tone, instead of rushing your response. Maintain this slow pace throughout the conversation, resisting the temptation to let your emotions get the best of you. Following these seven steps will do wonders for decreasing the number of conversations that lead to conflict or even outright hostility."

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I fought through my own self-doubt/talk and got the NYE tickets anyway.

#Motivation
Carrie Green - Programming your mind for success:


4 Steps for Programming Your Mind For Success:


#Healing
Humanity's Deepest, Darkest Fear


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 312:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk, we watch a funny comedy special, it looked pretty old but the jokes work for any decade lol it was called "Happy Wife, Happy Life".

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Vishen Lakhiani: Setting And Achieving Your Goals", the founder of Mindvalley broke down the difference between goals, what a means goal is versus an end goal and how most us concentrate on the wrong goals/aspects of goals and for all the wrong reasons, which leads us to unhappiness. He explains a new and better way of setting and achieving goals. Means goals vs End goals: https://blog.mindvalley.com/model-of-goal-setting/

This morning we walked, listened to a podcast and talked. We listened to "Identifying Her Triggers" by BAE and it was another goodie that really helped describe what goes through me, during a trigger. So, any PA would benefit from listening to it. Duel triggers, types of triggers (people/environment) everything is discussed, also how a PA reacts and how it can start a chain trigger reaction between her trigger, his shame etc., and how it is important how the PA meets his SO's trigger with empathy and connection. It was just a good listen, highly recommended! I also mentioned my concerns/feelings of fear and regret over New Years etc.

Then Wade had another session with his therapist and before he hit the sack, we spoke, we had a great talk during our walk and as he was falling asleep. One of the biggest pluses of this recovery, communication has never been where it's at today. We are both so happy about that.

In the afternoon, following the Pomodoro technique, I took a break from work again and I read some more of my book "Habit Stacking", where this time author brought up keeping your home office space/workspace or just living space productive. He posted a link to his tips: The Ultimate Productive Home Office Setup Guide (18 "Must-Have" Items).

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Got into a lazy funk and wanted to just binge watch a tv show, but stopped myself and went back to work.

#Motivation
The Difference Between "Ends" Goals vs "Means" Goals:


#Relationships
Infidelity: to stay or go…?


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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Yep, I find that on this specific topic, they don't cover the scope wide enough. Then again, as I tell my husband when we discuss the episodes, Ashlynn's experience (therefore her responses or how she feels now) are different then mine are/will be at any given moment. All of our experiences (as the betrayed) are all so different because each of our PA's had their own behaviors and distinct patterns that we had to deal with for years, and based on that history and the length of time we've gone through -- would determine how we react or heal/or not etc.

So yes, I don't think Coby was a serial ogler, I can't name one safe place where I could have gone with my husband pre-recovery, where I could say "well, I know he can't ogle anyone here". It was literally like that for our entire relationship, so my triggers are so much worse because of that past.

It is rough and I feel guilty for the feelings I get too, that's the frustrating part because I see he is trying and I feel like if I get triggered (which there is a high probability) it will be my fault for agreeing to go in the first place, only to ruin the night.

It just sucks, all of it.

 

DAY 313:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't really talk, well I was working in the same room that he was writing his journal in - so he was taking breaks and telling me things that came to mind; as they did. Like all of the changes, he has noticed with himself and even us overall. For instance, he no longer sits in his Lazy boy where he used to PM, that was his "turf", now he avoids it and he wasn't even trying - he just prefers to sit next to me. How when we ask each other to do something, neither of us moans/complains, we just do it. How he sees gratitude in things now, when he didn't realize what he had before. Then we began watching "Humans" on Amazon Prime, it's funny how after learning so much about recovery, terms like co-dependency, denial, justification and their real meanings - we are able to see it everywhere, even in TV shows and within characters/scenarios.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Josiah Ruff from Fearless Soul: Live Your Best Life", gives us 5 things we must not allow our lives to be controlled by in order to live your best life. "Many people spend their life, at the mercy of circumstances. Living at the mercy of what happens to them. Living at the mercy of other people. NOT living in the present, because they are stuck in the prison of their past. If you want to live a GREAT life, don’t allow yourself to be controlled by any of these things: 1 - Your PAST, 2 - Other peoples opinions and judgments, 3 - LIMITED BELIEFS you project on yourself, 4 - Relationships, and 5 - MONEY."

I also listened to Something You Should Know -"How Social Media Creates The "Fear of Missing Out", Medical Miracles & Is Work/Life Balance a Myth?" where they discussed why Steve Jobs never allowed his own kids to have cell phones? FOMO! "The Fear of Missing Out." What is FOMO? it is being addicted to cell phones and the horrible effects of it. There's an official definition, yes it's a real thing! FO·MO [Fear Of Missing Out]: Anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on a social media website. If you feel like you or someone you love might have this - check out this site: "This Is The Best Way to Overcome Fear of Missing Out" By Eric Barker.

This morning we went to the mall so we could exercise, earn money and talk in one fell swoop. So we did just that, we spoke quite a bit about my self-esteem issues, triggers, fears for NYE and the constant exhausting this fear cycle pre-events causes. It was a big talk and there was a lot discussed, so I won't go into it all. Something that did irk me was when I was trying to be vulnerable (even with some of those triggers around me!) which was difficult enough, explain my insecurities and how I got them - he did one of his "oh hey! look there!" in the middle of one of my sentences and because he saw a pretty Christmas wreath... sigh. Each time something like that happens, it is like the wind gets punched out of me. It makes me want to shut right down because it shows me/makes me feel that what I am saying does not matter, it is not important. I know he will say "you know that's not true!" but actions speak louder than words and when it takes so much out of me to actually talk about this stuff, when I finally gather the courage to do so, he gets distracted by a Christmas decoration when I'm midsentence - that behavior shows me more then his words do. This is not the first time and I really don't like or appreciate it, I don't do it to him - not when he is telling me something important/serious. I'm trying so hard, I really am and it is not fair to me when he tries to pivot and be 'cute' about it, after I tell him I don't want to continue talking, so he tries to "let me try and guess if this is what you where trying to say", just to keep the conversation going, even though I just made it clear I did not want to. His way for forcing my hand, without having me really talk, just replay/answer. It bothered me, he's done this before too and I've told him I don't like it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Plenty of triggers today but I kept my cool and didn't revert to my old behaviors.

#Motivation
Don't Allow Your Life To Be Controlled By These 5 Things:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 314:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night I wasn't expecting to talk or do much with Wade, I didn't have much time throughout the day to work on my actual work, so I wanted to do it at night. I sat and worked, he walked up behind me and rubbed my neck and shoulders, which gave me some much-needed relief and felt so good, then he went back to writing. We spoke during our mall trip, so it was not like we'd be skipping our talk either. Then 30-45 minutes later, I got up from my desk and plopped onto the bed, just to take a 5-minute break because my back was aching and he jumped out of his chair exclaiming "great!" enthusiastically and told me to stay there lol. I told him I needed to get back to work, but he insisted that I needed a massage, so, who am I to argue with that prescription LOL. He proceeded to give me such a soothing massage as he apologized for the mishap in the morning and I explained to him what he did later in the evening [trigger] that bothered me and how I was shocked it didn't "click" for him but once I explained it he said it made sense. Anyway, the massage was so good that I was too relaxed to go back to work that night. We ended up... having some 'fun' and then watching some TV and I called it a night after.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Our Friends at Words of Wisdom: Never Give Up" where it's a mix of various speakers that give us some words of encouragement about the message that we must never give up and why. The best advice is: "Nothing works the first time, so... if you try, only two things can happen - succeed or fail if you succeed you do more of it if you fail? you learn from it."

Then I read another great habit in my book:
#107. Practice Active Listening
Type: Support habit
Best time to complete: Anytime
Frequency: Daily
Benefit: It is easy to talk to people without giving them our full attention. Often, these discussions happen while we’re engaging in activities like working, playing a game, checking Facebook, or watching television at the same time. Not only is this disrespectful to the other person, but it also means you can’t fully comprehend what they have said. If you want to improve your relationships, the simplest strategy is to fully engage in each conversation, without doing any of the distracting activities that I just mentioned. In other words, whenever you’re talking to someone, you’re not looking at your phone, TV screen, or other people. Instead, you’re talking back and forth, responding to every nuance of the discussion. Not only does this habit show that you’re paying attention, but it’s simply the polite thing to do when a person is talking to you.

Description: There are five steps you can use to actively listen to others: Stop what you are doing. You cannot actively listen if there are other distractions. Give the person in this conversation 100% of your attention and focus. Make eye contact. This is the key part of body language communication because it shows the other person that you are interested and paying attention to their words. Just listen. Don’t interrupt, give your opinions, or attempt to fix their problems. Simply listen to what they are telling you. Wait for a natural pause to ask clarifying questions. Use this if you don’t understand what is being said. You can also use pauses to repeat back major points, such as, “I hear you saying _____.” Be empathetic. Try to feel what the speaker is feeling. If the story is sad, try to feel sad with them. If it is something they are angry about, share in their anger. These are just a few steps you can use to become a better listener. The key point here is that whenever someone is talking to you, it’s only fair to give them your undivided attention. In our modern world, people live distracted lives where they’re always sort of paying attention. If you act differently than the masses, you will become known as that special someone who fully engages in all your conversations.

Then we went to the mall again to get a bit more stuff. This time we went with the kiddos so we didn't get to talk. We shopkicked a bit, our eldest actually was excited to do it lol. There were a lot of triggers today, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and I do not like how it feels. I can't help where my mind goes and that bothers me. I want to believe what he tells me about how he sees me now and I'm all he desires and wants, but when I see them, I can't see past what I know to be true, what I remember, what I witnessed him looking at and desiring before and what I feel like I need to be in order to be his 'prime type' - no matter what he says. It just sucks.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As tired and crappy as I felt, I still managed to get shit done.

#Motivation
NO EXCUSES:


#Relationships
Everything Wrong with Dating Today (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 315:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked about the day/triggers for a few minutes and then listened to BAE's "The Blame Game" podcast and talked about it. Blaming the other was something that Ashlynn and Coby did all the time and it was toxic and kept them stuck and Wade and I could relate to that, we did it too, we obviously had our own ways of doing it. They explain what blaming each other looked like for them and how they got out of it. How staying stuck in blame keeps you in a bad cycle and never allowing you to recover or heal. I also listened to "Why Affairs Happen" while I worked and he said he would listen to it while he was at work too. so we could talk about it in the morning.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Ric Elias: Living Life With No Regrets", a Flight 1549 survivor (the flight that landed on the Hudson River) talks with about living life with no regrets. "Dying is not scary, it's almost like we've been preparing for it our whole lives. But it was sad, I didn't wanna go, I love my life. And that sadness really framed in one thought which is; I only wished for one thing. I only wished I could see my kids grow up. About a month later, I was in a performance by my daughter, first grader. Not much artistic talent... yet I'm bawling. I'm crying like a little kid. And it made all the sense in the world to me. I realized, at that point, by connecting those two dots that the only thing that matters in my life is being a great dad. Above all, above all, the only goal I have in life is to be a good dad. I was given the gift of a miracle of not dying that day. I was given another gift, which was to be able to see into the future and come back and live differently. - Ric Elias" -- what a profound message. I posted his TED talk below for those interested.

After dropping the girls off at school, we walked and talked quickly, as he needed to get to bed so we could attend a school function. He listened to "Why Affairs Happen", the podcast is about, well affairs which are devastating to a relationship. They try to dive a little deeper into it by explaining that the pain is obvious but the motives are not. Wade told me he took notes and wanted to discuss the podcast. So, as we walked he brought up the situation we had two nights ago when he received a workgroup text and how he began ignoring me while he was all into it, triggering me into past feelings and memories of his past behaviors. He said after listening to Brandon talking about setting up appropriate boundaries and also, how if you have to hide anything, there's always some type of feeling, emotion or motive behind that. For him, he said it's what Coby often brings up - that when he received the text and got so mindless that he started ignoring me, when I pointed it out, even though there was nothing actually nefarious going on, me bringing it up gave him a sensation of being caught, therefore that's why he began acting weird. Which sucks, because how he acts directly effects how I respond and his behavior triggers me further because it seems shady. There was a lot of good stuff there, as usual.

Then I read another great habit in my book (ironically lining up with my podcast this morning lol #signs) which would be like climbing a mountain for me but I hope to get here one day:
#116. Let Go of Regret
Type: Support habit
Best time to complete: Anytime
Frequency: Daily
Benefit: It’s far too easy to allow your mind to wander off into the past, which often leads to regret and sadness over bad decisions and failed relationships. But if you build a habit of letting go of the past, then you can permanently rid yourself of regret. Description: To let go of regret, you should start by understanding how your mind works and why it’s prone to negative thinking. The simplest way to do this is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to help curb anxiety by reducing the negative thoughts that run through your head. A regular meditation practice is beneficial, but you should also practice mindfulness as you go about your day. Take time to consider things like your movement as you walk and the taste of the food you’re eating. One strategy that I recommend daily is to ask yourself how you’re feeling. Even if you aren’t worried or depressed, it’s important to have regular conferences with yourself to better understand where your thoughts are coming from. Another idea is to express gratitude for your past. Even when things don’t go so well, there is still plenty to be learned. By making mistakes, we can gain wisdom for future scenarios in hopes of not repeating those mistakes.

First, you need to forgive yourself. Understand that everyone slips up from time to time and nobody is 100% perfect with their habits. Beating yourself up for missing a few days, or even a week, accomplishes nothing. My advice: take responsibility for slipping up, but also forgive yourself. Honestly, it’s not the end of the world if you skip the occasional day. Next, “get back on the horse” by restarting your stack. The key here (as you probably guessed) is consistency. It’s better to have a streak of completed days than it is to complete a dozen habits one day, then skip the next day. Just focus on completing one to three small actions for a few days and then add more once the routine becomes a permanent behavior. Well, these are the six challenges that you might face when building a permanent routine. If you follow my advice, then you’ll discover it’s not hard to overcome the occasional obstacle that comes your way.

Then we went to an honors society event for our older daughter at school, dropping them off afterward and going out for our weekly grocery run. That was my one reprieve during this whole entire day, to be honest as I felt like I just didn't have enough time to get anything done. For some reason, whenever I am in the middle of a project, all of a sudden all of my clients decide to send me to work, all at the same time - when I have no work? silence from them all, it's so weird. Anyway, the shopping trip was a success, we were under budget, got some extra money back, got our shopping points and best of all, had an hour break from the chaos! then we got home and the noise began all over again... sigh.

I can not wait until I can go to bed and pass out.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No matter how much certain people got me 'down', I tried to detoxify myself through breathing exercises, as I cut out coupons. Techniques I learned through some meditation apps.

#Motivation
Ric Elias 3 things I learned while my plane crashed:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 316:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk because we spoke earlier in the day. I took a break from my work and we had a slow dance, it was nice and tender. We had a few moments during the dance where he was telling me some sweet stuff that made me all giddy, he'll know what I am referring to. Then we laid and watched some TV in each other's embrace until he had to go to work. Just being next to him and holding his arm has me feeling so connected and intimate these days, it is so weird compared to this time last year, where we could have been laying right next to each other and feel completely disconnected like we were miles apart. All these feelings and emotions are so real and have me so fucking confused, my mind was so set, just last Jan and I don't know if my heart is playing tricks on me to throw me off course. All of this feels like a dream like it is too good to be true.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Discovering and Living A Purpose Driven Life", where the main point is... if you are not making someone else's life better... then you are just wasting your time. In order to feel fulfilled you need to give back and be bigger than yourself, serve others and help them be better too.

This morning it was pretty cold, so we went to earn some points and talked while we were at it. He told me about his night and how he watched a few YouTube videos by JK and they were quite good and to the point when it came to being serious about recovery. The video was called "The 3 Cs of Porn Addiction Recovery" and he mentions the three C's: Confidence, Commitment, and Consistency - you need to have all three for long-term PA recovery. He says that you can only stay clean on willpower for so long, there will come a point where willpower expires and you will relapse, if you are not prepared, therefore if you are serious and follow those three C's, you are giving yourself the tools for success and I think this time around, Wade is doing just that. JK puts it this way, "to be consistent you must be confident in what you're doing, ask yourself, am I confident in what I'm doing? if you do not find a way to get confident and the easiest way to get confidence is to get a system that works after that ask yourself am I committed? when I say committed it doesn't mean am I determined, some of you mistake determination for commitments, you're really determined to quit porn but you think that is commitment here's what the definition of commitment is and these are my definitions okay - commitment means agreeing to do something for a period of time long after the emotion that you experienced when you first made that commitment has passed all right it means doing something that you agree to do for a period of time long after the emotion that you experienced when you first made that commitment has passed if that's a difficult thing to do it means I don't feel like doing it but I'm still gonna do it right because we're not always going to be in the same emotional state so what do you do about that you have to be really confident that it will work confidence commitment and then consistency, once you are able to even get one of them firstly confidence that it works all the videos here are going to make sense to you". I also talked to him about various videos I watched, then we listened to some motivational videos together on the way home, it was another productive talk.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I loved how connected I felt to him, when I laid down for a nap and hugged him, I didn't want to let go.

#Relationships
Top 6 Traits to Look For in a High-Value Man:


He Doesn’t Value You? The ONLY Way He’ll Ever Change:


#Motivation
Work on Yourself by Oprah Winfrey & Steve Harvey:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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