Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 263:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked about how much fun we've been having doing things we use to hate doing, together or alone. How right now we can turn anything into a date! even budgeting, treasure hunting (LOL), shopping, watching a movie on the couch or anything, we find join in just spending time together - when before we couldn't wait till the other person leaves. Then we revisited the revolving door concept, my fears, and those topics again - they are huge for me, those fears and he understands that - I'm sure what I'm saying is not easy for him to hear [because it sure as hell not easy for me to say] but unfortunately, it is my reality/truth. They [those fears] are the result of many years of betrayal trauma, although I didn't have an official label for it back then. Much like addiction, when the addict finally hits his rock bottom and has his moment of "awakening", becomes aware and wants to make changes and never go back, the same could be said for the victim of betrayal trauma. As I just mentioned, for over a decade I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know exactly what or have an official name for it, didn't know who to blame or why it was happening. The more aware I was becoming that I was unhappy, year after year, it was getting worse... and becoming more and more difficult to keep up the facade of this perfect marriage and family, to always be fake in front of family and friends, when inside I felt "married but single" for a long time. I don't know what triggered me, but it was a little before my second big d-day, I began thinking about preparing myself mentally and physically for a marital exit, call it a gut feeling, I just didn't know how it would happen, what would I tell the family? "I'm not happy" that's not a good reason when I have two kids. Then d-day #2 hit, he finally gave me my out, but even at that point I still didn't have the courage to end it right away, so I told him, he had one last chance (to prove me right, really) - and of course, he did, he picked it, over me. So, Jan 2018 was my official awaking, I became aware of the fact that from that day forward, enough was enough - it was time to work on me and my happiness. So, now, I never ever want to return to that old life, old me anymore, I'm over all those days of sadness, loneliness, feeling unloved, unwanted, all of that pain, shame, misery, despair etc., that is everything that is bundled up in my "FEAR", so now that he is actually showing me that it is possible for him to be that man that I had thought I was marrying in the first place, that we can be honest, have this deep connection and intimacy -- I've been thrown into this new state of confusion, like should I risk it? should I let go of my plan, my only sense of control, security, my safety net and try taking it one day at a time? or am I kidding myself because it's only a matter of time before this merry-go-round restarts again and he goes back to 'it' and I'll be rejected once more and then regret my decision and the loss of X amount of years, so maybe I should just stick to my plan, then find someone who I know for sure would be attracted to me as I am, right now, in my current state - where I would know I was his priority and I would have no reason to question that, because there would be no history there. My head hurts from all these thoughts, I love him so much, but he is also the same person who has hurt and betrayed me more than anyone else, I'm not even certain I'm his real type either...... and that door [to PA] is always open when it comes to addiction and I know that.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Lily Ma: Getting Difficult Times" - the main point she makes? you must, must, must push through difficult times (no matter what they are a language barrier, pain, trauma, fear) if you want to get to your true success and potential. You must look past the difficult and SEE the possibilities that you can achieve as your motivation, to keep you going and it also teaches you the skills you need to become a great leader and do awesome things. If you give up when things get tough or difficult, the only person who will sit and continue to sit in that failure is you.

This morning we talked about a chapter Wade read in the book "Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame" by George Collins. In it, he brings up a great analogy for how an addict treats his marriage, but shouldn't. He said a great player ignores all of the distractions out on the field, he focuses on his main goal ['marriage'] and fine-tuning his skills to make sure he gets to it. A bad player with run, fall, see something shiny and get tackled to eventually be kicked out of the game because he is always busy focusing on the wrong/momentary thing, it made more sense when Wade explained it lol. Then he talked about how often times kids do not notice, but when they get abused, feel neglected, or feel any sort of bad feeling towards someone they look up to/love... like their parents, older siblings or grandparents, they don't know how to express their frustration or anger about it because the person they look up to, in their eyes could not/should not be doing any wrong, so they often learn to blame themselves for the bad behavior of the adult. This follows them throughout their lives and Wade thinks this could have happened to him. Often times this kind of emotional detachment leads to sexual addiction as a coping mechanism/comfort, so it is quite possible. I personally do believe there is something to this, I've told him about it a while ago, even when we were dating I would notice things that I found 'odd' and he would always argue with me that I am overthinking things and how 'it's normal/not a big deal'. Anyway, this morning our talk was very good and there was just so much input and learning, I don't want to put it all on here, I enjoyed it very much though.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Good news came in, got the call, the cruise is back on!

#Motivational
Lily Ma - The One Word That Can Unlock Your Potential and Change the World


Lily Ma Top 7 Rules for Success:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 264:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we skipped our nightly talk because we had a really good and long one in the morning, we decided to check out AHS: Apocalypse and the first episode was awesome!

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Simon Sinek: Perspective Matters" he tries to remind us that our perspective matters. That there are two ways to look at the world - you can see the thing that you want or you can see the thing standing in the way of the thing that you want.

This morning we talked about the response he received from his new therapist, about his question/concern - about his trigger from the night before. How she practically gave him a non-answer/answer, didn't really seem like something a professional should say to someone in recovery. It kind of gave us both some pause and threw up some red flags that maybe, after all, she may not be such a good fit - because she is not a CSAT, even though she said she has a lot of experience with "addiction in general".

Then his parents came over for a visit, with everything that he and I have been discussing in the last few days, it was just a little awkward... like there was a big elephant sitting in the room with us lol but we made the best of it. It was probably more in my head, then his anyway, that's just me.

I received an e-mail which I found very informative, so I thought I would share it here - for those of you who need to learn how to be empathetic listeners:

Have you ever wondered if you're a good listener? Here are eight steps, adapted the book: "The 5 Love Languages to becoming a sympathetic listener".

• Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone. This keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that the person has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes in disgust, closing your eyes when they seem passive aggressive, looking over their head, or staring at their shoes while they are talking.
• Don't engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.
• Listen for feelings. Ask yourself: "What is this person's emotions right now?" When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, "It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot . . ." That gives the person a chance to clarify his/her feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.
• Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the person is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while the words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what the person is really thinking and feeling.
• Refuse to interrupt.
• Ask reflective questions.
• Express understanding. The person needs to know that he/she has been heard and understood.
• Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful. Notice you are asking—not telling—the person what he/she ought to do. Never give advice until you are sure the other person wants it.
  

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though my back was killing me, I pushed through the pain and put on a happy face for guests!

#Motivational, ADDICTION and RECOVERY!
Simon Sinek - Secrets of Humanity and Happiness


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 265:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night, he started with a nice slow dance. Then I brought up how awkward I felt after the last few days of "discoveries" and talks, having his parents over lol -- he agreed, but we got through it "checking boxes". Then we talked about his childhood a bit more as well as my fears too. I told him it was ironic, he's trying to figure out his past, I'm trying to figure out my future.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Bob Proctor: Making Changes In Life" where he talks about how changing our paradigm will change our lives.

This morning I walked alone because we had a Pokemon Go community event this evening, so he needed to get his sleep in. As I walked I took the time to listen to BAE's podcast "The Roots of Addiction" and "Identifying and Connecting to Emotions". Both of those podcasts were really good and actually kind of explained a lot of what Wade and I have been bouncing off of each other in the last few days, so I highly recommend he listens to them both. Then I decided to listen to "Something You Should Know" thinking it would be a little less 'serious' but it turns out, this one also hit home for me, A LOT and gave me my own moment of reflection and realization. It was the episode called "Understanding & Reducing Stress" the segment was about how stress is mostly a distortion of your perception. Life is almost never as bad as we think. Dr. Arthur Ciaramicoli author of "The Stress Solution" reveals how to reduce your stress, the trick is really to master empathy, who knew?

Then we spent almost two hours out in the cold hunting Pokemon, my parents were kind enough to sit with the kids, so we could actually (for once) play in peace LOL. BUT it was so frigid that we couldn't really enjoy ourselves, Wade scored a good catch and I did all right. We also had time to talk, which was great, it was not easy because there were a lot of people there, so we had to keep pausing our discussion but overall, he told me about more stuff he learned and took in from his book. I'm so happy that he is learning so much and really trying to dissect and rationalize the information he's reading, and trying to answer the questions the author poses there and apply situations to himself, it's amazing to me and I couldn't be more proud of him for putting the work and effort it takes to make serious life changes. The 'old him' wouldn't have bothered with any of it, it would have been too much work and he would have brushed it off. He said there was more he wanted to tell me about, but since we were walking, cold and playing - it wasn't the ideal place, but he would do that tonight, I can not wait to hear what else excited him. There were a few minor triggers for me at the event, but as I told him when he asked - when we are alone at home, everything is great, in the real world, triggers are just unavoidable... that's just life for me these days. Luckily they weren't major, and our talk was quite distracting.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I fit into a size I never thought I would lol, couldn't believe it!

#Motivational
Bob Proctor - How to Change a Paradigm (kind of promo/preachy but the idea is of patterns is valid)


Simon Sinek - The Key to SUCCESS


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 266:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night, we again talked a little about his past and how his childhood could have affected his adulthood, our relationship and how he turned into a PA. I laid there hugging his arm as he read me passages from the book he is reading and explained to me, parts he found relatable and I agreed with them, it did sound a lot like him and how he has been acting with our girls. He mentioned some of the insecurities that he and the guy the author was discussing shared and I understood what he was referring to. Then I told him about the podcasts I listened to earlier and recommended he give them a listen too, I found that they related to all of this as well. Also, how I found out that possibly practicing, learning and mastering empathy and vulnerability could be the ultimate cure for anxiety and stress, which is a big problem for me. I actually ended up buying the book from the podcast I listened to yesterday, maybe it will help me with my panic attacks, those are beside my betrayal trauma triggers/PTSD. Once he got to work, he texted me a good night message... but I was in the mood for something else, so we eXxxchanged some more texts, couldn't do much else since he couldn't come home wahhhhh, but it was sexy and fun, we hadn't had sexy chat time in a long while. #WentToBedHorny

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Bill Eckstrom: How discomfort helps us grow". This is a podcast that I recommend ALL S.O's listen to and maybe even watch the full speech from the TEDex talk (posted below), he talks about business, but replace "work" and "fired" with "marriage" and "betrayal" and it all will make total sense. The main message here is: "what makes you comfortable can ruin you, what makes you uncomfortable can make you grow". He uses the term/concept “Growth Rings.” The rings illustrate how dangerous it can be to remain in a state of comfort and how being in discomfort is the only way to sustain growth. You’ll be amazed at the world-changing outcomes discomfort can have on your life and the lives of others.

This morning I walked alone because he had to work, boy was it COLD. WOWWOWOW, but I need to get my walks in when I still can (tolerable) before it gets toooooo cold out there and I'll need to dance at home instead. I listened to BAE's "Ep: 16 The Spike Narrative" which was about creating another persona (in your head) in order to face your demons, give that 'demon' a name, come at him or her head-on, talk back to them, shut them up and stop them from trying to take control of your behavior/mind. Then I checked out a new podcast "The Hardcore Self Help Podcast Episode 1" run by Dr. Robert Duff, a psychologist from Southern California, he wrote the best selling books "Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression" and "Hardcore Self Help: F**K Anxiety" in this episode he answered a few questions that people submitted to him about mental health, it was sort of an introductory episode but I did learn a few things, not too sure how I feel about it yet, but I will give a few more episodes a shot.

Then the rest of the day I worked on a design project, later we had a doctors appointment that Wade had to go to and now we have more shit to stress about, it never ends.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I was not in the mood to walk, cause I was freezing, I made myself do it anyway.

#Motivational
Bill Eckstrom - Why comfort will ruin your life


Jay Shetty - Before You Waste Any Time Watch This

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=179060499639199

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 267:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night Wade had a significant moment and I'd like to say I'm quite proud of him for coming over his shame in order to bring it up to me and for being aware enough during the situation to take some notes for himself. He told me he had his first talk with his INSO ("internal monologue/self-talk"). He said he was in the middle of his workout at the gym, listening to some podcasts, while the gym's TVs were on and on the screen a show was playing and one of the hosts has large breasts and he began noticing that he was ogling them, so he started applying the methods he has been learning in his book and having that internal talk, in order to talk himself out of the need to ogle - so he ended up turning off the TV altogether, because he didn't need to see it or objectify her. He didn't have to tell me any of this and I know how difficult it is for him to fight his shame, I'm glad he did and we were able to discuss it. Then we did some stuff... he was supposed to stay up a bit later, so he could sleep in longer because he was going to have a late start for his shift, but I didn't want to let him go and whined "but I want you to stay in bed with me!", anyway, he left, I turned on my Calm App and tried to go to sleep, a few minutes later the door opens and he comes back in and says "I decided I wanna be in bed with you too". I instantly felt so much better, when he left it did feel like something was missing. When he hugged me tightly he said "I really don't want anyone else", it was nice to hear, I wondered if he had just watched or read something that sparked that.

This morning the 7 Good Minutes podcast was "Jim Rohn: 3 Enduring Principles of Success" where Jim Rohn covers the three places to begin in your quest for a future full of success, happiness and wealth. 1. Price and promise - the power of vision and setting goals. 2. Personal development - expanding your knowledge through books, tapes, seminars, and other successful people. 3. The principles of wealth - earning, saving, giving and investing. It was quite an interesting perspective.

This morning we walked together and were cold, together LOL I thought I was going to walk alone this morning, but he decided to wake up and walk with me. So, we started by listening to a BAE podcast, he picked: "Ep: 75 Sex and Shame" and so we did. Afterward, we discussed what we just heard and shared what shame we both faced when it came to sex and what we brought into the bedroom with us, before we began this recovery and how much has really changed (for the better) ever since. It is like night and day, and we couldn't be happier about that part. I don't want to go into detail, but we both know exactly what the others shame was and what it has taken to overcome it. This was a really good listen, I recommend it for other couples.

This evening he is working, I was multitasking and just finished putting the kids to bed! now I get to work lol sigh, I just want to go to sleep already!! can't wait for Wade to be in bed, but I'll probably be passed out by then.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I tried on a lot of dresses, ones I didn't think I could fit anymore (but did!) and some that use to be tight but were now too big, so I had to give them up for donation!

#Motivational
Jim Rohn - FOCUS ON ONE THING


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 268:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he worked, so we did not have our nightly talk. I was super overworked (but I completed a lot of shit) exhausted and just out of it, so I decided to go to bed a little early. He actually got home soon after, I was still awake and he got in bed and we fell asleep together and that was great. His vacation officially started today, so I am happy about that! boy how things have changed.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to the wise words of "Neale Donald Walsch: We are creators", where he talks about "life is not about discovering yourself, but creating yourself." By making yourself, your own version of "God" because you are your own creator, everything happens for a reason but it all starts with you - as everything we do and experience has a purpose.

This morning we had a lengthy discussion about everything he learned at a special class he had to take, apart of his job. He said it was very informative and he was able to apply a lot of the lessons self-care has taught him, like walking in and greeting the speakers and even they were thrown because no one is ever excited to be there. Active listening by participating, asking questions, answering and being apart of the discussion when in the past he would be 'out of sight, out of mind' and pretend he wasn't there etc. He said a lot of what was discussed could be applied to not just his, but everyone's everyday life and but especially what he has been going through in recovery, a few things he could connect directly to us and he just appreciated it and learned a bit more, from a different perspective. Most importantly, he said the point of the lecture was to explain and teach everyone about empathy and understanding it, but they never really labeled it that but based on what he was described, it sure sounded like it. I am glad he got so much out of it, in the past he would have spent the whole time playing on his phone, or most likely looking for P, delaying his time of arrival at home, to make sure I was asleep, so he could M. This time though, he called me multiple times, texted me and that made me feel like, even if he was in the middle of class - where I know in the past he would have still found time for his other priorities, but never me", this time, I was actually on his mind and he wanted to find time to talk to me, I really liked that. Then from the time he said he was on his way home, to the time he got home, seemed like warp speed, which shocked me too (pleasantly) because I was still awake, so I got to fall asleep in his arms, which made my night.

Then we banged out a lot of errands, that I originally had mapped out between today and tomorrow, somehow we managed to complete most of them today, which is great, as we have so much shit today and I have some projects I need to finish up. Tomorrow is our eldest one's birthday, plus our cruise in two days, so there's last-minute shopping, errands etc., just a lot to do. Tonight he has his session with his therapist, he isn't all that excited about anymore, as he is getting some red flags with her, but he'll give her one last shot tonight. We'll see what will happen~

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was a multi-tasking master today, total beast mode LOL!

#Healing
Ashlynn's Story Why I Stayed After He Cheated


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 269:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night his therapist missed their session, she was about 20 minutes late as he sat around waiting for her to appear, so he sent her a message when she saw his message, she suddenly came up with an excuse that her power was out. He gives her the benefit of doubt, he's nicer than I am, I think she forgot, but whatever. They ended up rescheduling for today, anyway... he decided to give me a nice massage, it was so relaxing. At first, he said he doesn't want to talk because we did earlier but he started talking anyway, he was full of compliments, reiterating to me that he didn't want anyone else but me and it made me feel good, I even felt some butterflies in my stomach, sort of like first date butterflies, it was weird but felt good. Plus, the massage felt so freaking good, his hands are just... omg. Then he told me that he liked/appreciated that I acknowledged receiving his phones calls during his class and I told him, of course, I would, because it's the complete opposite of what would have been last time. I have noticed a complete shift in so many behaviors, a total 360 on a lot of stuff from then versus now, but the longevity of these actions and the uncertainty of their sustainability for more than a year or two still weigh heavily on me, my fears are a heavy burden to bear. #scaredoftheunknown

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Ivan Joseph: The Skill of Self Confidence", which was about, you guessed it, having self-confidence - which for me, does not come easy. Wade even told me, you're so beautiful, he listened to the other cast, where they talked about self-talk and remembered what I wrote about feeling dumb trying to call myself beautiful, he doesn't understand why it is so difficult for me or why it feels so stupid, I don't even know if I can really explain it myself. It was our eldest's 11th birthday and she could not wait till after school for her gift, so we gave it to her. It was a new laptop, as her other old is pretty much DOA and she can not even do HW on it any longer, let's just say she was over the moon. During our morning walk, we listened to a podcast I added to my subscription list, months ago, when I first started this healing process, but I just never started listening to it for some reason, not sure why. It's called "Healing Broken Trust | Affair Recovery | Marriage Help | Couples Therapy" and the first episode was called "7 Stages Of Affair Recovery"... the therapist speaking sounds very boring but the information is really helpful and good, I highly recommend it and I'm kind of glad I'm listening to it now and not then, because I don't think I would interpret the information the same.

In the afternoon we had a little movie date, we went to see "Venom" and it was a good film. The theater was empty and that's the kind of environment I prefer, as it makes the experience better for me (no triggers = no problems). It was nice spending time with him, holding his hand and being carefree for a few hours, relaxing.

In the evening we celebrated our eldest daughters 11th birthday! pizza, cake and more presents from my parents. Then we decided to watch Hocus Pocus as a family, man that movie just never gets old LOL I love it. I'm trying to finish up two client projects before we sail on our cruise, I feel the knots in my stomach getting tighter as the hour's tick on closer. I'm so scared of all of the bad "what ifs" that I can't hear what the good "what ifs" are trying to say in the background. I know he is feeling anxious too, more then he ever has, which is new for him altogether. I told him not to worry too much about my triggers though, as they are quite unpredictable and inevitable, so there really is no point in going crazy about them right now, at least in his case. I'm actually having more anxiety/PTSD about repeating the events of the last cruise I was on, particularly when I felt so sad, alone and was standing by the rails of deck 12, at night, the awful thoughts I was thinking as I looked into the darkness and water, I was in a really sad and dark place, I was so fucking miserable.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
All of my jeans are officially loose lol, but that means I gotta spend more money...

#Motivation
Ivan Joseph: The Skill of Self Confidence


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 270:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he had his rescheduled session with his therapist, he told me that it went "okay" but he still wants to find someone else. He feels as though she is just going through the motions and isn't really putting in the work he feels a professional should be, and I told him if he isn't feeling it - there is absolutely no sense in wasting time with her. As much as we wanted to create a basic cruise itinerary for ourselves to make the week a little less stressful, that keep falling to the waste side, I guess we are winging it lol. We ended up just being tired with all of my extra work, him trying to pack and feeling like chickens running around with their heads cut off. *Plus, just the anxiety of the "what ifs" approaching... weighing on us both.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Mel Robbins: Getting What You Want", which was about not hesitating and just going for it. Whatever "it" is, just do it, what are you waiting for? and she is right, she was there, where I am - many years ago and one morning, she just hopped out of bed and started rolling with the punches. I just don't know if I'm "there" yet. I hope to be, soon enough... #selfcare #selfaware

This morning I walked alone because Wade went on a class trip with our little one to a farm! I listened to BAE's "Progress Not Perfection" and Something You Should Know's "How Music Affects You, Facts You Never Knew Were True & Neat vs Messy". The BAE one was great and I highly recommend it for addicts (and their partners) in recovery especially, it really puts some perspective on the recovery experience and the work it takes to succeed without killing yourself (and those around you). Same could be said for the healing SO, that you shouldn't push yourself to be "perfect" or "good enough" to please anyone, but yourself, we all need love and patience. Then I really enjoyed the segment from Something You Should Know about how music affects you. I find that music is one of my go-to grounding tools, so I really related to that topic a lot. They said music triggers the same part of the brain as a lot of addictions do, after running tests on the brain the scans showed the same reactions of those listening to music they love, as those who were getting high, drinking or thinking about sex*. It's pretty crazy!

Okay, time to go finish packing for our cruise!

*** This will be my last entry for a week, as we will be cruising with little to no connection to the world! I hope I will come back in one piece and report back how it went! ***

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I can not believe I actually decided to give Wade another shot on this cruise thing, wish me luck people!

#Motivation
Mel Robbins: "It's Time To Change NOW!"


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you <3

 

DAY 278: CRUISE VACATION RUN DOWN

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We are back from our cruise! a whole week (8 days/7 nights) but it went by so fast, too fast and so much happened, some ups, some downs, but I must say, there were way more ups! I enjoyed the trip overall, kind of felt like 7 days of first dates lol. I went into it expecting a complete disaster to unfold, but luckily that did not happen. This was the first vacation we've taken together, where I actually felt like we were there as a real couple - that was connected, in love. Where I was traveling with my husband and not just as a woman who was "married, but single" or as "co-parents, traveling with kids, just to check boxes for friends & family on Facebook later".

Both of us recorded our journeys, which was also new for us, as this was the first trip we've taken while he has been in recovery/and I in healing. He kept a physical journal, I wrote in my phone's notepad (giving me the ability to copy and paste my entries for the whole week here, so that's exactly what I will do) please note, I wrote them as situations unfolded, so some days were good, others - I was triggered and upset, so my entries will reflect my mood, there's no sugar coating or fluff, just raw, true emotions. Also, some days I wrote a little, some more - really depended on where my head was at or how busy we were. Enjoy the ramblings of a SO on vacation, trying times... sigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CRUISE DAY 01 (PM FREE/271)
Traffic to the port was insane. I don't recall it ever taking this long to ever get on board a ship before. This amplified my stress and anxiety because the feeling of "what is about to happen" was so overwhelming. Once we finally got onboard, he held my hand the whole time which helped calm me. By the end of the night, we both agreed that the day wasn't as bad as we're had imagined it would be.

CRUISE DAY 02 (PM FREE/272)
I had a minor trigger, we both noticed her, however, he didn't react as tense as he usually did before, so my trigger wasn't made worse. A bit later, I knew the formal night was soon approaching and I began developing a mean headache. In the past, women in sexy evening wear kept him really busy, ogling left and right. So, I knew this could be a challenge for us both. I took two Advils, I wasn't sure if these headaches and my anxiety were connected, but I figured they may be. Once we all got dressed up, went out, took our portraits, I noticed he wasn't acting out like before, he was giving me a lot of attention and focus, holding my hand etc. My headache began going away and I felt more relaxed as the evening progressed. Tonight was really nice though, we both looked and felt great, felt like a real couple on a honeymoon. We even had sex today, something we haven't done on a cruise in over 7-8 years. The evening actually went smoothly, we had a good time, enjoyed each other's company and felt loved a real couple on vacation. Something I haven't felt in ages. We watched a beautiful show, I think one of the best shows I've ever seen aboard a cruise ship, the production team was spectacular and talented. We held each other throughout and it just felt so right and real.

CRUISE DAY 03 (PM FREE/273)
The day started good but didn't end so well for me. We signed up and did an "escape room" activity, along with about 10 other passengers, which was really fun and I'd love to do something like this again, both of us really enjoyed our time. Then we went to the pool, the girls had a good time, I did have a bit of a trigger at the pool, we spoke about it a bit later, as I sat out on the balcony, I guess he quickly put a letter he wrote for me on the bed, so when I came back inside, I found and read such a nice touching surprise letter. It really was beautiful and out of the blue. I went right over, thanked him and kissed him. The rest of the day and evening was okay... but then... We had reservations for a show, quite flashy "modern" and a bit weird, think Lady Gaga, RuPaul mixed with Robots and techno. There I had some huge triggers, we got there too late so all of the good seats were taken. We're sat to the left but close to the stage, where the dancers were way too close. Saw Wade looking in the direction of his types as their asses hung out, a lot, so he probably slipped and did ogle, they were right in front of his face after all - hard for anyone to miss, let alone someone who enjoys the view. There were 3 setups, so he could have focused on the guy on the saxophone instead, fully clothed singers or Male dancers. I think he noticed I was triggered at some point and then started rubbing my arm. He wasn't that focused on me when the assess where out though, he held my hand but he did that even before the show started. We had about 10 minutes, while he smoked on the balcony and before we had to pick up our kids from the club, he didn't bring up the show at all or ask if I was triggered, that was weird. I was left really unsettled.

CRUISE DAY 04 (PM FREE/274)
Went to the beach. A few triggers. Nothing too bad.
Back in the room, Wade seemed a bit out of focus again. I was even trying to read a few activities off of the schedule and he completely ignored what I was saying. I looked up at the TV to see what was so important and it was a kid's show.
After dropping the kids off at the kids club, we found a quiet place and we talked about the night before and he told me he knows I got triggered, he may have slipped a few times but only because they were dancing around so it was unavoidable. But I explained to him that with the setup that they had if he didn't want to look or wanted to avoid the scantily clad dancer closest to us to make sure there should be no room for me to assume anything, he could have focused on the center stage, the saxophone player. But he was zoned in on her, his type - for a while. I know because I was actually trying to avoid her, so I was looking at the sax player, leaving his face (Wade's) in my line of sight, but he didn't look my way as he was busy looking at her. He swore he was just watching the show and there was nothing to it but I know the difference, I know his glossy-eyed look to a tee. Anyway, shortly after our short (kind of felt rushed because we only talked while he smoked) talk - we went a play a few games of pool and ping pong, which we haven't done in years, that was a lot of fun, I miss doing those fun care-free activities, feeling like a kid again, oh and it helps that I won most of the games.

CRUISE DAY 05 - HALLOWEEN (PM FREE/275)
Nassau Bahamas was fun, multiple triggers upfront. They passed fairly quickly though. There we spent a few hours exploring the island together, walking around, shopping and stopping by the Pirates Museum. That was so much fun and really did feel like a lovey-dovey first date, we were both really into each other, wanted to be there, holding hands, took a lot of pictures -- which for us, that's new. It was Halloween on the ship and it was fun overall as a family. There was a dance party with the kids, we all dressed up, got plenty of compliments, Wade got a lot of attention as Deadpool LOL.

Then we dropped the kids off at the kids club. My feet were killing me from my heels at that point so we stopped by our room again so I could put on dressy flats. He wanted to go play some blackjack and I said sure, we went to the casino. That's when the day went from great to bad. The dealer at the blackjack table he decided to join was dressed up as a half-naked slut cop, I mean, in a very revealing swat uniform. He DEFINITELY noticed but sat down anyway, put down his money, and began playing. I was triggered from the second we were walking towards the table, so I was already thinking of all the excuses I could muster up as to why this time I wanted to go sit somewhere else as he played when the last two times I stood behind him without any problem. He kept trying to grab my hands to wrap my arm around him, I pushed back, sorry but I was triggered and not in a happy mood any longer, because to me - the situation was just obvious. I was annoyed that he decided to sit and play at that table knowing how much I would enjoy the view and thought of him sitting across from a half-naked dealer who coincidentally he needs to keep looking at (or in that direction) because that's where the gameplay/cards are at. It's frustrating to me that he never takes any of that into consideration, just like at the show with the half-naked dancer, sometimes it even makes me question whether he really is that oblivious or he is using it as a convenient excuse to continue ogling/'slipping' and then passing it off as "I saw her but didn't pay any attention to her at all!". Either way, he saw my mood turned sour, I went to get myself a drink, then I told him I was going to go sit somewhere else. A few minutes later I see him running up to me, he said let's go listen to a band or something. I said fine. He tried talking but the band was loud and I told him this wasn't the place to talk. He still kept trying though, anyway when we got to the room we talked a little. He told me that he didn't even realize the dealer triggered me he was under the impression that I was pissed that he wanted to go to the casino when he knew my feet were killing me after wearing my heels for hours. So because of that, he wasn't really in the mood to play even when he sat down and that's why he got up so soon. NOT because he thought the dealer was a threat and I was triggered because of that. That doesn't make logical sense at all and I told him that, like - why would I agree to go with him, go all the way to the casino, wait for him to sit down, start playing - then all of a sudden decide I was going to be mad about that? I just would have told him I don't feel like going to the casino in the first place. My mood was fine the whole way down until I saw the half-naked dealer and he decided it was a good idea to sit down across from her and start playing. In my opinion, common sense would click for anyone at that point? Anyway, we talked about it later and I told him - this is why I don't know if it's realistic to believe a marriage could work in these sort of conditions, with our history and these random, spur of the moment triggers. It makes me feel really shitty because I feel like my triggers are ruining his fun, all the time. I don't think it's sustainable over time, of course, he does and he is more hopeful than I am but it just seems like a miserable way to live within a relationship - to have to constantly worry about being happy one minute and within a nanosecond, at any given time, someone - a completely random stranger, can ruin that moment for you both in an instant. I told him, if he is with someone else, he won't worry about these sorts of 'triggers' and me? I won't have a long history to be triggered by either, and when I'm in the middle of an intense trigger, those thoughts really do start making a lot of sense - for both our sakes and happiness.

CRUISE DAY 06 (PM FREE/276)
This morning we had a nice breakfast, dropped the girls off at the kids club. Then went to the shops to explore some of those "sales". Afterward, we went to Johnny Rockets because we promised our eldest that we would take her there for lunch at some point this cruise. I am still weaning off of my trigger so I am not really in the mood for much of anything. We knew this could happen. I know he is trying but it is what it is. We haven't really spent much time talking about it. He's either out smoking or writing in his journal, by the time he is done, it's time to go get the kids and go eat or do something else, all of which leaves us with no privacy talking. We decided to skip our reserved show and went to do a Marvel trivia game and as geeks, we failed - really bad lol, hot damn those questions were though. Then we took some family portraits, had dinner. He played some blackjack and won a bit, so we applied that to our bill. The rest of the evening has been relaxing, luckily no more triggers today. We listened to some tunes, then picked up the little one, we're letting the older one spend a little extra time with her new friends. Now we are sitting out on the balcony, the weather is nice. He's reading his kindle, I am listening to my podcasts and writing. Ironically, we haven't spent much time having our talks. I guess a change of scenery, changes everything. We are spending more time together, this vacation actually feels like our honeymoon should have felt. However, we aren't actually talking much, like we never really addressed my big trigger at the casino for more than the 10 minutes we had that night, so I had to cope with it on my own until it calmed down on its own. That trigger really shed some light for me, in more ways than one.

CRUISE DAY 07 (PM FREE/277)
Today was also a good day, pretty trigger free. We were actually very busy all day, between taking last-minute character photos with the kids, packing, and Wade having his iFly experience! Which he loved of course. After we went on the Northstar experience, which is where you go into a little glass bubble - sort of like a hamster ball lol and it takes you 300 feet into the air, above the cruise ship. I was chickenshit at first but then I got into it, we had a good time. After that we went right back to packing, as soon as we were done, I was tired and kind of felt like taking a nap... but he decided to get me in the mood for something else after a quick little massage. Then we had our last dinner, said thanks to our waiters. Afterward, we took the kid's back to their beloved kid's club for the last time. Then he played some blackjack, my mom was tailing me so I told him I would be sitting with her by the area where the rock band was going to play, where we were planning on spending the rest of our evening (listening to them). The band began to play, it was too loud for my parents so they left, I sat there, alone - just like "the good ole days" as he lost track of time playing in the casino, just like in the past. I knew that would happen, that if I wasn't physically standing there next to him, serving as a visual reminder - he wouldn't pay attention to the time. He finally came about 10 minutes after the band had already started playing, he was of course, full of apologies. He claims he finally remembered and as soon as he did he changed his chips and ran to me. I think my parents went to see how he was playing and that reminded him that I was alone, so he bounced then, but who knows. Anyway, the music was awesome, then they played a slow song and he kept asking me to dance, I said no because no one else was dancing and I didn't want to be a focal point. Then he saw a few other couples, so I went, we danced to one song. It was sweet, in the past, I was the one who was begging him to dance. Then we went, picked up the little one, gave the older one an extra hour of fun.

CRUISE DAY 08 (PM FREE/278)
On the way home. I was sad that the vacation was coming to an end, but all good things must to an end I guess - overall I had a good time, much better then I've ever had on any trip with Wade before, even with a few triggers, this trip cannot even compare to the miserable times I had on all of the other trips in the past. Also, no more kids club! the best part of any cruise, actually some freedom and other people get paid to watch and deal with my kids! oh, the joy. When we got home, we unpacked, rested a little. Our youngest got a fever (what else is new) so she took a mid-day nap, so we also took one with her. After that, we had to go to the supermarket because we had no food in the house. We jumped right into our new budgeting system and bought everything we needed for the week (with two meal plans in mind) and spent under $100. We were both so excited about that, I don't recall (other than when we began focusing on spending under $100) when we'd leave a grocery store and spend less than $160 per week and not go back mid-week because "we forgot to get something else" and drop another $40-$60. Tonight we plan on just relaxing, because we are both so exhausted and since he has a few more days left for his vacation - but tomorrow or Monday, we'll start our weekly plan, I'm excited about that too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even with some hiccups, this vacation was our first vacation, as a genuine *mutually connected* couple, where we both wanted to be there with each other.

#Relationships
Simon Sinek - Consistency

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1347915575353483

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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Thank you!

Yes, I get that and that's why I'm trying to be understanding. Overall, this was by far the best vacation we've had together - ever.

 

DAY 279:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night he surprised me, after a really long and exhausting day for us both, with a nice massage. My body had been in agony after I'd been torturing it with heels this past week. This was such a pleasant surprise and one I really appreciated. During the massage, he asked me an interesting question, kind of sounded like a setup to a proposal (lol) but it was "after this cruise, would you go on another vacation with me again?" he was referring to this version of him, not the addict obviously, because those vacation experiences - I am so over. I said yes, but I did share with him my concerns, some of which I actually listed in my post-cruise entries. I don't know if I want to go on vacations in general, not because of him but because of me. Like, I don't know if I want to go on vacations - with myself? Having triggers is not only painful mentally, but also super exhausting and drains the fun, life, and joy right out of the room at any given moment. What makes it worse is that I have no control or handle on them, can't time their release or stop, so we can go from a happy/fun time, right into rage/FML/GTFO mode in a split second... literally from 0 to 100 in an instant and I don't want to be the cause of screwing up a good time, just because I'm triggered. Why should everyone else have to suffer because I am having a random spur of the moment breakdown? it's just not something I want to be responsible for, so why would I want to keep putting myself and others into that situation? He told me that he doesn't care - he spent most of the massage talking, he was of course super sweet and said he only wanted me, no matter what and no matter how much time passes or whether I get triggered or not etc.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Robin Sharma: Achieving World Class Productivity", which was about setting up a perfect habit to stay productive in a world that is set up to keep us distracted and mindless, with constant notifications and messages. He mentions a few methods (that can also be found in more detail here) The 20/20/20 Formula: Reserve the first 60 minutes for personal preparation. Spend your first 20 minutes in intense exercise. Sweating releases BDNF, a brain chemical that actually grows neural connections. Working out also releases dopamine (the neurotransmitter of motivation) and serotonin, which makes you feel happy. For the next “20 minute pocket”, review your annual plan and reflect deeply on your quarterly goals. Clarity precedes mastery and this practice will deepen your focus through the day. Invest the final 20 minutes of this morning routine on learning (i.e., read autobiographies of great humans or listen to a leadership podcast or download the lessons of yesterday into your journal). The 90/90/1 Rule. Simply stated: for the next 90 days, dedicate the first 90 minutes of your work day to your single most important opportunity, the one thing that if you executed on it flawlessly, would cause everything to rise. The 60/10 Method: set a timer for 60 minutes and during those intervals, turn off your technology, shut your door and dive—with massive intensity—into the project that matters. Then, recover with a pristine break like walking, listening to music or reading. Just try this protocol for a month and witness the gains.

This morning we had our walk and we started our talk on the premise of how we were both feeling overall - after being back from the cruise and I said, "mixed emotions?". Then we continued our conversation from last night, I told him that he has no idea how mind-numbing it is to have the sensations of both an intense trigger, then get hit with an onslaught of guilt because I end up blaming myself for ruining his night, which up until that point was going fairly well. This is exactly why I've brought up the point, that living in a marriage this way, with these sorts of triggers is not sustainable, I know what is it like to be the miserable party in a relationship and I do not want to be the reason for his misery. There will come a point, where he will start resenting my triggers when he is further along in recovery and feels like he's been good so WTF is wrong with me - why am I still 'getting on him about that stuff', but unfortunately my brain will continue to suffer from betrayal trauma PTSD, for who the hell knows how long -- and he will just get tired of dealing with it, with me, I can feel it. Sometimes I feel like it is easier to just let bygones be bygones, no matter how much I love him, because he is working on himself and getting better, he deserves to enjoy himself if he is indeed 'clean' without having to constantly stress out, when he is out trying to have a good time - because with me, he will always be second guessing, questioning, wondering, scanning the room and possibly having to leave - what kind of life is that? the more I write it out, the more sense it makes. He, of course, is way more optimistic then I am and probably thinks I am nuts for my train of thoughts. He thinks my triggers will eventually get better as he gets better, the more consistent he is in recovery the more secure I'll become etc., he mentioned that some of my minor triggers on the cruise, in the past would have probably been bigger ones, but because of the change of his response, I wasn't as triggered and therefore we had some progress there. Maybe he is right, some triggers are lighter than others, but others are really intense and the turmoil they cause inside my head is difficult to describe. For instance, the casino trigger on the cruise... after a night full of compliments from both Wade, various other guests about how I looked, my dress/costume, even plenty of oglers sizing me up etc., I was feeling good about myself/appearance that night (which is a rarity) but as soon as I saw that dealer and the trigger hit, any momentum I gained throughout that night was gone, instantly, my brain switched into "great, now I'm in competition here" then "comparison mode starts firing off" then "why does he want to continue sitting here, so he could keep looking? he must prefer her, he obviously wants her, he likes her ___ better than mine, I can only imagine what he is thinking" etc, which set me off into a whole separate heap of shit, to the point where I recognized I needed to get myself out of her line of sight, in order to calm myself back down somehow. That's why I went to the bar, then to a different location to stand further away (not to see her), but then I saw him coming towards me and he began telling me that "he was done playing because he could tell something was wrong and I wasn't in a good mood or was tired, so he got up, even though he was winning, even the dealer asked him why he was done so quick etc" my shame and guilt rushed over me and hit me like a freight train, because now I'm the asshole the ruined his winning streak and fun for the night, go me. See my point?

Anyway, had a few projects waiting for me that I worked on today - while Wade took the little one to the playground and got some housework done. We are still getting things in order after vacations, this always seems to be the case lol. The time change doesn't help either. While he was there he told me he watched a new video by JK called "Porn and Purpose" (posted below) and told me to check it out, so we could talk about it, it was very good, I recommend all addicts in recovery watch it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Hit the ground running with our self-care routines, after being out of whack for a week!

#Addiction
JK Emezi: "Porn and Purpose"


#Self-Care
Robin Sharma: How the World's Most Successful People Battle-proof Their Brains


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you <3

 

DAY 280:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Because we spoke so much in the morning, we skipped our nightly talk, which isn't a big deal, after the cruise, I got used to talking sporadically and out of sync anyway lol. We watched The Walking Dead, not a romantic show - I know, but it is another way we bond - because in the past, even when we watched shows that both of us were into, we never really "watched together", he was distracted looking for P, I was chatting with my FB friends mindlessly, ignoring each other and "watching" the show in the background. These days, it just feels different, even something as simple as watching TV together - both of us are here, not just physically but mentally too. Then we did our nightly meditation and ended on a relaxing and happy note.

This morning on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Dave Ramsey: The Power of Belief", the main point? we become what we think about. Dave Ramsey explains how a toxic mindset can hold you back from reaching big goals - how belief creates action and action causes results. It wasn't until recently that I came across Mr. Ramsey while looking into budgeting, but he is a bit blunt, maybe even 'harsh' lol but full of a lot of wisdom.

This morning we decided to go to the mall to do a little 'shop kicking', so we can earn ourselves a lunch or dinner date LOL it has multiple other perks, not only are we earning money, we are also walking, so we are exercising too, not to mention getting our daily talk in as well AND spending some quality time together, doing something we both are having so much fun doing. We talked about some heavy stuff though, mostly my triggers, fears, concerns, and covered most of the issues that I mentioned in my journal entry last night - so I will not repeat it all over again. He, of course, was much more positive and did give me more to reflect on - that he feels I'm worth it all and he doesn't care about dealing with a few triggers, compared to losing me. It's a lot to take in, process and try to make sense of, all of this crap - betrayal trauma, triggers, PTSD and could the victim of those said symptoms really ever completely heal, after so many years of damage. It's not just only triggers, it is also my security, feeling like I am not enough, for him specifically and never was to begin with because I'm not his prime type... how at some point he'll snap and decide he wants someone else and then it will be too late for me to date again. There's a lot on my mind, too much sometimes, sigh.

On another note, as much fun as shop kicking is, I must be getting too old or more out of shape because my thighs are on fire! LOL #pain #toomanysquats

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Our talk throughout the day way very deep and uncomfortable, but helped open my eyes/mind a bit more.

#Self-Care
Dave Ramsey: You Become What You Think About


Dave Ramsey: Start with a Dream, End with a Goal


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 281:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Again after speaking so much during the day, we skipped our nightly talk, instead, we played a little World of Warcraft - it's been a while and we've both missed it so much. Then we mediated and went to sleep.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Joel Osteen: Growing Through Pain", he talks about living life and getting through the pain that often comes with it, also how without it we wouldn't become the whole person we are today, it molds us and makes us strong.

This morning it rained, so we couldn't walk, instead, we went and shop kicked for a bit lol hey, it's still walking! then we went to vote in the midterm elections. Afterward, we spent quite a bit of time talking in the car, again about the same topics of the last few days. We had a long and in-depth talk, but since I've written about it for multiple days on here, I will not rewrite it again, just reiterate the same points over and over again.

During the day we finally got around to getting those "boredom sticks" made out for our girls, we are slowly (but surely!) changing things up a bit, because as Jodan Page says, we are not circus clowns for hire, we aren't supposed to entertain our kids 24/7, hopefully next time we hear someone whine "I'm bored!" we'll point them to the Boredom Sticks Jar!

I've been feeling groggy and worn out, damn these vacations really work wonders on you lol but hopefully, I'll go through the second half of my closet today or tomorrow, as I planned on doing... for a few months now!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
We did our civic duty today!

#Motivation
Joel Osteen: Don't Waste Your Pain (I'm not religious, but this was a great message)


Jay Shetty: How Do You Get Over The Fear of Not Being Good Enough?

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=206569690241837

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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DAY 282:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "Habit Stacking" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Tonight we skipped our nightly talk and caught up on two shows; Arrow and a few episodes of Agents of Shield, he started with giving me a nice foot rub, which felt so good - even my brain started twitching... After he stopped and some time went by, how we were sitting/the atmosphere - it did kind of begin to remind me/feel like how it used to be for us... during his addiction days when we'd binge-watch multiple shows/episodes, while he was mindlessly playing some game on his phone, and I'd be playing on mine etc, felt weird. Even when he goes out for his smoke, he takes longer out there then he has been in the last few months, I asked him what took so long last night, he told me he lost track of time because he was playing his new phone game. Now, sitting here thinking about all this stuff... last night and even the last few nights, when we've been going to bed, I feel like unless I initiate sex, he won't, if I initiate, most of the time (recently) the foreplay in focused on him and then we get into 'it'; I mean, I enjoy giving him focus (it's fun for me) but it's definitely not like how it was in the early days of recovery, when he was running all sorts of numbers on me. Come to think of it, he even had a night with plenty of time/opportunity (to blow my mind!) cause our daughter was at her grandparent's house this week and he just turned around and went to sleep. The night before that, he was almost asleep and if I didn't start initiating and aroused him/woke him back up, he would have passed out completely and we wouldn't have had sex either, last night he went straight to sleep too... maybe it is just me but that just has me feeling off like something is going on that I'm unaware of.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Les Brown: Live Your Dreams", his point? live your dreams! throw your whole self into your dreams, don't go into anything "tentatively" or with fear holding you back, or you will never really give it your all. "Life is too short to play it safe" "You can't get out of life alive" So be bold, take life on and live a little. He said he lives by this quote: "It's better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, then to have an opportunity and not be prepared." Always be ready, even if you're not there yet because you never know when an opportunity will come knocking.

Then I watched/listened to an inspired motivational video by "B.J. Davis - Freedom from Self-Doubt" and one part in particular really touched me, it was at 9m 30s: "For years, I had been - I and people like me - we had been told, ''Once an addict, always an addict.'' ''Once a criminal, always a criminal.'' ''Once a loser, always a loser.'' But I realized that was only true if you believed it. Then I realized how paralyzing self-doubt can be, it contributes to misery over joy and emptiness over fulfillment and imprisonment over freedom and unnecessarily so." WOW, what a powerful message/thought.

This morning we walked and listened to BAE's podcast "Confusion in Betrayal: I love him; I hate him", where they made a lot of good points, especially on how addicts in recovery should handle their's SO's triggers/pain/emotions. We paused and spoke a lot in between their words. I found a lot of parts so relatable, I've been confused since I've begun noticing Wade's changes and the longer he has been in recovery, the more unrecognizable he has been becoming from the man I had known for over the past 12 years. Then they brought up another can of worms that many SO's fear and feel - addicts in recovery often wonder why SO's act or feel the way they do, so erratic sometimes - when 95% of the time he is a really good guy and maybe 5% he acts out, but still 95% is good! well, it's that 5% that scares the ever loving shit out of us because we know what that "good guy" is capable of. He is capable of inflicting the worst kind of pain on us, worse then anyone else can. Let's just say this is one all couples in recovery should listen to, together!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finally bit the last piece off of my closet/elephant, went through all of my clothes now! thanks to Wade's persistence though LOL!

#Motivation
Les Brown - How To Live Your Dreams (Part 1)


B.J. Davis - Freedom from Self-Doubt


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg

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