DAY 115: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling... Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. Daily talk with my husband. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday the hubby and I didn't have more than an hour together, all day. He had to work and sleep then head back to work. So, when he woke up, we talked before he had to leave again. He asked me how my 'walk' went... because when I am left alone with my thoughts, my mind starts to wander and he isn't a fan of that lol. I told him exactly what I wrote in my journal yesterday. He wasn't too thrilled to hear it, but it's the truth, so there really isn't much to argue about it - all he can say is, now he understands and see's the pain he has caused me. I told him that I feel as though I am in a constant state of confusion between what was... what is... and what could be... and it's driving me nuts, all of these unknowns. I'm still torn by the thought of being considered insane because, I've been down this road with him before and every time, he went back to his old behavior - granted this is the first time he has ever attempted recovery (ever) and is really making progress, I'm not sure if it will be "forever". Don't get me wrong, I'm not betting against my marriage, if it were up to me - we would have started and continued this marriage as we have had it the last three months, that sort of my 'IDEA' of what marriage was supposed to be, from the start. However, because of my experience, these 12+ years of lies, pain, and trauma... it's just all difficult to believe, even though I truly see real changes occurring within him, his core the last few weeks. We talked this morning, he told me about his really busy night at work. He skipped his NoFap journal yesterday because of work/sleep and he thought he would do it at night when he had time at work, but he said he was too busy. However, he did spend some time on Facebook so... I dunno... but anyway. We talked about my dilemma and confusion. He said he understands. I also mentioned that I am worried that because he has never felt the true pain of betrayal (although I appreciate that now he has learned to empathize with it) he may not really understand the true depth of it (betrayal/hurt) and that might leave the door open for him to 'repeat' his past behavior(s). So, it makes me wonder if I would be safer, finding a partner to be with, who was also betrayed/cheated on... someone who really knows the pain and because they know that pain, they would never inflict it onto someone else. He said he understands what I mean, but he still thinks that with all the changes he feels within himself, he can't see it, himself - repeating his past actions and hurting me again... When he woke up we went for another quick walk, talked some more about the same issues and he told me that he completely gets that 12+ years of my suffering outweighs the almost 4 months of this 'new' experience, with him in recovery. That he isn't letting my state of confusion, questions, conflicts effect how his recovery is going, because he hopes that if he continues his progress, my issues will subside as well (as we get closer and as his behavior hopefully affects me as well). Makes sense to me and I don't want anything getting in the way of his recovery, either way. I have so much to think about, process and make sense of these days, it's not easy. Another thing that's been on my mind here and there, it might come off as a bit 'petty'... but to me it sort of feels like he is doing just enough (NoFap journal/daily talk/paying attention to my mood/occasional massage 2x month) which in his case, it's still a world of difference because it's way more than he has ever done before, especially stuff like him writing handwritten letters to me for special occasions - I love those, he never used to do that before. Currently, our connection, intimacy, and sex life are GREAT (out of this world really). But I am a different person [than him] when it comes to small gestures, those mean something more to me and I'm afraid that now, after feeling so alone/deprived of everything for over a decade, I might be looking for more than 'just enough' - I want more than enough, even an OVERLOAD. I want my man to just do things & know things, without me telling him, without hints etc. just surprise me here and there! and most of the time with my husband that is just not the case. He has been doing more, especially in the first month of recovery, it's dwindled for obvious reasons (time, kids, life) but still I do find myself thinking "well, it would have been nice if he would have thought to do _____" but then I think "well, ____ is still better then the nothing-burger I use to get". I know he's been telling me that he wants me to tell him everything I want now, but it's just not the same with this particular stuff: attentiveness, attention, awareness etc. You see, I want it to come from a place of him wanting to do stuff because he thought of it himself -- NOT because I mentioned it, so now he does it once in a while. I need to see that it comes from within him, on his own, because he wanted to do it. Look, I'm a simple kind of girl, I don't care for flowers, jewelry, clothes etc. (which may suck for some guys, because buying some flowers is easier lol) but I love other types of small gestures that let me know that he knows what I need, want, enjoy, what makes me happy, what will put a smile on my face, make me giggle at random, what might give me some relief when I need it most... some of which doesn't require much effort on his part at all (IMO) but often times, it just doesn't happen unless I mention something and I don't blame him for it at all - because I do see he is trying to do better and he is, much much much better than before, but it's still not where I think I'd like it to be, at this point in my life. The thing is, I really don't think it's something he's into, not because of PA but just his personality, some of the stuff I find endearing, he just doesn't care for, it's just not his thing. I just wonder, is "just enough" going to fade into 'meh' for me? and I'll still crave more... I had a set criteria in my head for my future man, I'm a planner - so of course the minute I decided that I was done with this marriage back in Jan, I was already thinking of my "list" of what I will now require, to make sure I would be with someone who wouldn't hurt me, truly "get me" and my quirks, love me, want me and be into doing all these little things that would randomly put a smile on my face, just because he knows it would make my day. Like I mentioned before, my mind is a mess right now. What I liked about myself, today: (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant) No one bugged me for most of the day, I felt calm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals. A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration ___ Week V - Thursday (5/24) Thought: We are genuinely interested in one another. Done. We are (now more then ever before, what was - has been boosted big time) but I think that even if we weren't married, we could have easily been best friends. Task: Think of something to do or talk about that would be interesting. >> Anything and everything really LOL. We love talking about or debating tv shows, movies etc - we can prob do or talk about almost anything actually. Enjoy going to the movies, comic conventions, Broadway shows, theme parks, lunches/dinners, walking together or even sitting together and doing nothing lol. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is so good....I mean, it sucks -- but I bet almost all the SO's struggle with this same exact dilemma.
At the end of the day he comes home though. Alot of men are gone months or years without their wives or children. .... I forgot to quote the part.... But yes he works a alot, but he still isn't Always working. So, I feel like I should speak to this because alot of women complain and don't know what it's like to be moved from here to there, from their jobs and friends and family.. every other year and still not see their spouse for years, but you have to go where you are told he will come home. Just some perspective. Was my life at one point. I hope you are well otherwise... And it' cool you have giant Tuttles.... Hope they aren't mutants. And if they are, I hope they have pizza
Thank you yea I know, mine's a Marine too, on top of his current career. I'm used to missing out on all the normal couple events and stuff, my point is -- he had an opportunity to make up for it but instead gave all his time to PA, leaving me with nothing in the end. I wish they were mutants, that'd be quite entertaining LOL pizza sounds good right about now too.
DAY 116: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling... My husband has been honest with me in general... Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. Daily talk with my husband. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday the hubby and I worked more on the 1000 piece puzzle as we talked and I think soon enough, this project is going to cause my back to "go out". This morning he lied to me. Not about PA, but about something stupid, not even worth lying about, but he did it anyway. I checked NoFap around 6 am, I saw he hasn't been on all night, as I mentioned in yesterdays post, his enthusiasm for this recovery has been slowing down and I've noticed that, for a while now. He's been doing "just enough" but way less, then when he began... slowly doing less and less every day... anyway, I saw he didn't even check in - I figured this would be a good test to see if he would be honest with me, especially after the speech he gave me last night (and the last few weeks) about being honest... so, I asked him, "Did you do anything on NoFap?" and his first response was "Not much really, every time I tried to answer _AP_ we got a job, and I just gave up". So I just said to him, "Babe, why did you have to lie" and instead of just fessing up at this point he continued on with making up a story for another 10 -15 minutes -- it wasn't until I told him "If you lie, you can FORGET about US". Then he finally admitted he was lying and didn't do anything until I asked about it. So, instead of just saying "Sorry, I didn't have a chance, I was caught up at work", he elected to lie - then when confronted, he continued to lie until he was cornered and then ultimately admitted the truth. This is EXACTLY how it always went down, when I would confront him about his PA and I am so tired of this bullshit, I can not even put it into proper words. In the long run, this little lie is a drop in the bucket, but it's not what he lied about, it's the fact that he chose to lie TODAY, after how far I thought we've come, how close, "honest" and open (or so I thought) we have been with each other. I regret opening up so much, it was too much, too soon, I should have known better, I shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt. I feel like an idiot for falling for this shit again, I don't know what to believe anymore, what's the truth? what's a lie? if it's so easy for him to lie about this little crap, of course, lying to me about everything else will be that much easier and that's so fucking scary. It just sucks because I was feeling so good around him lately, even with all my recent triggers, I wanted him close, to feel his touch, kisses etc., I even felt a glimmer of hope for our future. But I told him before, lying - that I will not tolerate anymore, I have been as patient and as understanding, as someone in my position could be - but I am not going to live the rest of my life sleeping next to someone who lies to me all the time. One lie is enough to question all truths. He was supposed to have the afternoon off tomorrow and I was looking forward to it because the weather is supposed to be nice and I thought we could work on the puzzle, drink some wine, cuddle and talk... but he was told he has to come in to work and for the first time in the last three months, I don't mind that he has to work, he'll probably have more fun there anyway, so many asses to ogle, instead of being home with me and lying about what he thinks of my ass, and how "it is the only one he wants now". What I liked about myself, today: (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant) That instead of flipping completely out at the fact that I was lied to again, I was calm and collected. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals. A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration ___ Week V - Friday (5/25) Thought: We find one another to be good companions. Done. Yep. Task: Plan an outing together. >> A day for her... We have discussed dropping off our younger daughter at daycare, once regular school is over and letting our older daughter have a full day of 'do whatever she wants', with just us - these days the little one takes up so much attention, I feel like the older one gets neglected at times. So, I think we'll take her to the movies, then let her play VR games and have customized ice cream. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in this exact same spot, same thing, stupid lie. This happened about 3-5 times since our Dday last July. Hasn't happened since December. Each time, it was like I lost more hope. The lying really pushed me away and it killed the connection we were having. The lying hurts so much, and stops the SOs recovery right in its tracks, sometimes then going in reverse. I go from thinking OK maybe our relationship can be better than ever to just drifting away again. It sucks. Sorry you are having to deal with it.
Thank you and I'm sorry that you know this feeling as well. It kills me, it does stop my recovery because now I have to sit back and again begin questioning everything, all over again. Lying is one of the worst parts of all of this and for the smallest, stupidest shit at that. What am I suppose to think for "bigger" things? This is exactly how I am feeling right now.
Yep, I feel so... defeated? I think that's a good word for it. I just don't have the energy for this cycle anymore.
I'm sorry. I've been there, it does feel very defeating. That no matter how good things are going, it can all be destroyed in a matter of seconds. Good news here is he finally got it and hasn't done it in almost 6 months (well, that I know about ).
I am sure this was just a huge moment of weakness, a mistake and will be another lesson learned for him. Don't give up on him, he loves you dearly. Recovery is hard for everyone involved. I am sorry for your pain but please don't let this compromise the feelings you've had these last few months. @Wade W. Wilson will do better. I know he will.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. If you've watched that video I posted on the other thread...he pushed you right off that cliff. Made feel safe, reassured you, then pushed and took it all away.
DAY 117: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling... My husband has been honest with me in general... Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. Daily talk with my husband. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday we spoke about his lie - I was as calm and collected as I could be because I was really hurt, after the last few months I've had with him - then this. Apparently, he reached out to some of his NoFap AP's before going to sleep and one of them has a therapist friend who suggested he look into possibly being a "Compulsive Liar" and that he should look into it. He told me he didn't know why he lied or why he bothered continuing with the story instead of just admitting it to me, he finally admitted after he was threatened by me. He has had a big issue with lying for years and we both think it stems from his upbringing. Of course, this doesn't help me much, because his lying/hiding/denying is what got us into the mess we are in today (with this PA) and that is one of the things I am not going to tolerate any more, I don't want to be with a liar, I want to be in an open, honest and happy relationship. I was way more hopeful about where we were because I was under the impression that our talks, which have felt so honest and real, would motivate him to stay truthful and seems he was for a while, so this really threw me. He's been admitting things to me, without me asking even, so when he lied about something so small and stupid - it scares the shit outta me (for what's to come). He said that he wanted to just tell me that we should just decide to end our relationship at the end of these two years because no matter how hard he tries, he ends up messing up and hurting me anyway. That then if we stop connecting so much, it would make it easier for me to leave later. I told him, we'll do whatever he wants, I'm here for another two years and will help him in his recovery, if he wants to continue it, in any capacity that I can and if he thinks us stopping the intimacy/deep talks will help him, then I will do that. Of course, I've been loving these last few months with him, the feelings and sensations cannot be faked... but I am still confused and don't know what I want to do or what will happen, so if he prefers stopping, then so be it, it won't be easy but I will manage. By night time, he said he kept thinking about it and doesn't want to lose me, he realizes he is being selfish but he wants me and only me, he doesn't want to stop the talks or intimacy, now that he's had it, he doesn't want it to end. He keeps telling me he loves me, that he's sorry and I can tell it's authentic, but he can not control his impulse to lie... and if it is an actual disorder, well I don't even know where to even begin with all that. My daughter woke me up at 5:30 am and I was so tired and annoyed. Then the thought of him taking overtime for today, when he was suppose to have the evening off just really ticked me off. I was festering and decided to just flat out tell him. I sent him a message and told him that his choice was selfish and inconsiderate, yes I know we need money, but given our current circumstance, my mood, our 3-year-old being sick... he knew I would have to deal with it all, myself - while he chills at work under the guise of "I thought you wanted some space from me". My mood today was better because we spoke and that helped, but I was still pissed about it. My day hasn't gotten any better, both girls have been driving me nuts and my dad kept coming in and rambling/complaining about shit too ALL DAMN DAY. I feel exhausted, overwhelmed and need a damn mental break. As for his lie, I don't know what to make of it or any of this. I've heard of this disorder in passing, but don't really know much about it. I am too tired to do anything research, and I honestly don't know whats what anymore. I just feel so helpless right now, I need someone to just hold me, comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay, but as usual, I am going to bed alone tonight. What I liked about myself, today: (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant) Even though I really wanted to revert back to not telling him about what bothers me, I went ahead and fought my instinct and still told him. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAY 118: DAILY GOALS MET: My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling... My husband has been honest with me in general... Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband. Work on my healing, betrayal trauma. Daily talk with my husband. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday he was sleeping half the day, the rest of the day he was working all the way through the night. I was stuck with the kids and got really tired and overwhelmed. A few times throughout the day I wanted to run into my bedroom, shove my face into a pillow and just scream like a maniac. Hubby sent me a few miss you messages throughout the day, even started small talk convos with me on FB messenger, he never did that before, unless I initiated it first, that was sweet and made me feel good. Anyway, once 8 pm hit, I rounded up the little one and got her into bed, it took a few tries but she finally fell asleep. The older one was allowed to stay up a little, hubby didn't want to miss the daily talk, so he wanted to video chat - so I went out on the balcony, so our daughter couldn't hear us. We spoke for almost an hour, we spoke about his lie, his possible disorder and how much more this recovery will entail, then he initially... well we, thought it would be about - it's no longer just PA, it's ogling, attentiveness, our connection and now a possible lying disorder, talk about a mouth full. Oh, yea, we discovered that if you video chats on FB messenger you can play around with these hilarious animated filters/stickers and that was fun. One of them, he turned himself into a werewolf that kept switching a tiara to a hip-hop hat, I put nerd gear on myself, I took a photo of it because it was cute and cracked me up. I posted it on FB, because it was a cute couples thing and funny, I mentioned that to him and he said yea it was fun, but said: "hope you didn't tag me or I won't hear the end of it at work". I panicked because I tried to untagged him, it only let me remove the tag from the photo, but not "was there with", so I ended up deleting the whole post because I forgot he worked with a bunch of toddlers. I just thought it was a cute moment for us, I wanted to share it, we don't have many of those - but like the metaphor of our relationship, what goes up, must come down. Next time, I'll just not post anything, it's not worth the hassle, plus he isn't really into the cutesy couples stuff like I am, he never has been. I'll stick to posting selfies and pics of our kids lol. Tonight we have friends coming over, we'll prob gain some weight ((*cry*)), drink and play some board games, I think we need the distraction. What I liked about myself, today: (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant) Even though I am exhausted, not in a good mood overall, I didn't cancel our plans with friends to come over, like I intended to - but I figured, no, I need the distraction. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
