Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 106:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we discussed our fears and how I feel like something is wrong with me because I'm too loyal. Of course, he thinks this is a great trait, but to me, it is not because my loyalty has been rewarded with the ultimate betrayal (by him). So I sort of feel as though, I should have been doing something, anything, right back to him, he didn't deserve my loyalty, I don't find it fair. However, my character didn't allow me to do anything. To me, that's a defect in this present world we live in. I don't want to be righteous, because, I mean what's it worth? absolutely nothing. I was loyal, to the point of not even looking at other men - meanwhile, not only was I being ignored as a woman, I was being disrespected by him ogling other women right in front of me and then was cheated on too. So, why am I stuck with this defect? "loyalty", and why can't I force myself to work around it, like many other people do. Anyway, we ended that discussion with him telling me that he wants to reward me [now] for being there for him, for always being loyal, he wants to be the man he 'should have been before' but never was.

This morning during our walk we discussed trust issues in relationships, especially in recovery. All SO's have a difficult time trusting their PA again, that just comes with what the betrayal does to us and it will never be fully restored. Some SO's decide to stay and help their PA 'fight' or 'beat' their addiction and support them, instead of leaving them. We noticed how some SO's tend to do things that seem as though they are - dare I say it - purposely trying to sabotage their PA's recovery [by throwing out tests/tricks/temptations on purpose] ... and I know I'm probably going to get a lot of shit for saying that. But, honestly, I am not sure why some SO's do these things {might just be certain personality types}, it could be to keep control/power or to constantly test their PA/keep them in check. It's weird but true. Some set the bar way too high and some punish their PA's for honesty, which is just asking for a relapse in my opinion. Like I said, there could be various reasons for this and every SO handles her situation in her own way but sabotaging someone's recovery is not good for the PA or yourself (whether you end up together or not). Some enjoy having that rush of power over someone else, especially after they've been hurt by that other person, finally some control. Me though, I prefer LESS drama, so I don't like playing games, I'm more straight to the point.

There were a few 'threats' aka notices on the walk, seeing them still makes my blood boil, I just can't help it. It's not all women, just certain ones. I guess the feeling that comes over me when I get a notice is... a trigger of sorts? various thoughts start rushing through my mind "I know, he would rather look at her, not me", "I'm so ugly compared to her", "I'm fat compared to her", "he likes her ass better and wishes mine was like that", "I know that's what he prefers". I can't control those thoughts, sadly.

We took our eldest to her sports class this evening, after dropping her off we went to the supermarket to grab some stuff. Some more notices, but I was distracted by the ogling I was getting by various men, some guys are just so thirsty man and they don't care who's next to you. At least I went from my completely disgusted about it phase to just finding it amusing now. Then we headed home because the weather turned nasty again!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I bought a new set of tops (plain tees) on Amazon and I really love their fit on me and how soft the material is. They actually remind me of shirts I threw out a long time ago because I thought I'd never fit into them again.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week IV - Tuesday (5/15)
Thought: I am proud of this relationship. Done.
I think right now I am proud of where we are at this moment, a place I never thought we'd be.
Task: List two things about this marriage that you are proud of.
>> (1) Our Kids (2) Our Current Connection
I'm proud of the super bright (still annoying at times though) beautiful girls we have. Also, this newfound connection, communication and trust we now have.
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Well, at the moment 'leaning' to a possible yes. I have another two months to cancel for a full refund. The summer (if it EVER comes) will really be a good test for me/us, by the pool. How I'll feel (triggers) and how he'll control his ogling. We are in a better place communication wise, so if something is bothering one of us, we can talk it out and figure out a solution. However, I don't want a massive trigger to hit, one after another on a ship (no escape lol). But I think I am getting better at handling my personal triggers (so far at least).

 

It just doesn't feel that way, after being so loyal/devoted and getting so betrayed, you know?

Thank you heh, it just had to be said. Sometimes I am shocked at what I read/see but I bite my lip too so to speak because everyone 'does it their own way' or has 'their own methods'. However, some stuff is just spiteful and trust me, I get the pain firsthand, but if you have already decided to help/support your spouse, then you should not be working against them - it's counterproductive.

 

DAY 107:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we talked a little more about his fears. He says he knows that he has no reason to lie anymore but the more he worries/thinks about "what if" (what if he messes up, somehow) the more anxious he gets about it all. Ironically, that is my fear too, if I decide to give him a final chance at the end of two years, then he starts to lie again and that cycle begins again. After his full disclosure, there really is no more reason for him to lie to me, anymore. He knows I don't plan on punishing him for a relapse, so long as he is honest so we can work through it together. The scary part is, as fully aware of that as he is and seems to be secure with that - he is still scared that somehow, at some point his old "first instinct" to lie will take over and ruin everything. It's difficult, it really is, way too much uncertainty.

This morning we talked about our nights, his night was slow and mine was sleepless, I wake up a lot. Today was a really long and stressful day for me, had to go to the doctors with my dad and deal with my daughter too. What made it all a little easier was that he was considerate today (sometimes he is not and ignores obvious signs and hints!) this morning when I asked him to get upstairs early, he did and then he gave up on a little sleep in the afternoon, so he can pick up our eldest from school - so I wouldn't have to.

My mood has been a bit blah the last few days between lite triggers and just daily stresses. It's really wearing me down. I am really looking forward to laying in bed tonight and just having @Wade W. Wilson hold me in his arms. I wish he was home tonight, so I could just fall asleep that way too, but a girl can't have everything.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I love the way my Revlon ultimate suede lipstick (color) makes me look.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week IV - Wednesday (5/16)
Thought: I am proud of my future spouse. Done.
I am excited about our possible future if he continues to stay on course.
Task: Recall a specific time you felt this pride.
>> January 29th, 2018
My husband shocked me by joining NoFap and starting his recovery from PA. I'm proud that he finally got 'woke' about this addiction instead of hiding behind gaslighting and denial.
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DAY 108:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we talked a little bit more about his fear of messing up somehow (lying) even though he feels as though he is getting more and more confident with himself, that it won't happen [lying to me]. He thinks that the more we continue to talk, stay open and honest every day, the easier it is becoming for this to be his new normal, always being truthful with me about everything, not just PM/PA topics. Each new day that we talk, makes his confidence spike higher. Now, hearing this does sound promising to me and I love our talks, it's helpful to his recovery, my healing and our relationship as a whole - but, I'm a realist and I have a lot of history of his lying to cope with. So, I don't know if this honesty will last 'forever', or if it will be a phase and that scares me.

We walked this morning, he told me he had one slip at work. He was standing in line to buy food and a nurse was in front of him in her scrubs. He was playing on his phone, when he looked up, he noticed her ass and then looked right back at his phone. He said before he probably would have taken an opportunity like this (standing behind her) to stare at her ass the whole time, but this time he distracted himself as soon as he slipped. I'm glad he caught himself and looked away, but the mere thought of him thinking (before) that staring at another woman's ass until she was done paying for her food was 'normal'; as a married man, is disturbing. Because I am THAT WOMAN, just not for him, for dozens of other men throughout my day. I get ogled, a lot and when I really think about it, all my thoughts/feelings about the men who ogle me - well...at the end of the day, what makes my husband any different?! nothing other than he's my serial ogler. Because how I think about them, is how the women he ogles think about him too. He is who I roll my eyes at, he is the one I scoff at, he is who I call a pervert, he is the 'pathetic pos' who obviously can't get any, he is 'thirsty', he is the one making me uncomfortable, he is the one making me feel like I should have worn something else... he is the serial ogler I make fun of, every time I catch one... that's the sad truth. Men don't understand this, but women have a 6th sense about this stuff. When you ogle us, we notice, when you do it from behind, the little hairs on the back of our necks stand up, we feel it and we don't like it. When we see you do it, with a wedding ring on - we feel sorry for your wife because she is married to a prick like you. When we see you do it, with your child in toe, we feel sorry for your wife and kid because, at some point - you'll be an EX, because, with all the time your spending looking at my ass, that time will be deducted from the time you could have been spending looking at your wife's ass so now, she'll be leaving you for a man who DOES. When we see you do it and you look to be old enough to be our dad, we mutter "sick old man" to ourselves. When a teen or young boy does it, we think "looks like someone is going through puberty" or "poor little desperate boy"... 95% of the time, it's never "Oh yes! keep looking! I love it!". My husband's ogling has been ongoing throughout the entirety of our marriage, he even had the nerve to do it in front of me, completely disregarding my feelings or showing me any respect at all. That shit ruined my body image to the brink and I am trying my hardest to figure out ways of finding my old self, how I use to be, before I met him and it is extremely challenging and to be honest, I don't even know if it can be done. No matter what, I can be ogled by thousands of men, but for some reason that doesn't really do much for my confidence/self-esteem probably because deep down I still feel that my husband prefers other women's asses to mine, other women's breasts to mine and other women's faces and body's to mine AND always will.

After he slept, we walked again, the weather cleared up and that was pleasant, not a lot of people out - we talked about various things including his excitement to see Deadpool 2 tomorrow, then we jumped in the car and went to pick up the little one from daycare. During the ride, he grabbed my hand and said "I'm in a really good mood right now", I don't know if it is because of the spur of the moment wake-up sex before our walk or because he gets to see Deadpool tomorrow LOL. *Who knows?*

As for myself: I've been trying to walk as much as possible THAT'S one of my biggest GOALS, even in rain (yea, like an idiot lol) but this weather here just sucks man. We've been jumping from 40 to 90 to 50 and rain, pure insanity. Walking helps me because I don't really have space to dance in my living room with all the furniture and my little one won't let me, even if I did. Walking doesn't just help exercise wise, but it helps me clear my head a little, breathe and just relieve some stress before I go forth with the rest of my usually hectic day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Yesterday, one of my neighbors came up to my husband and I and said that a few days ago when she said hello to us, she didn't recognize me. She thought my husband brought over some other woman, but she thought it was strange because he had our two girls with him lol. She hasn't seen me in a while and I lost some weight, so I took it as a compliment lol.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week IV - Thursday (5/17)
Thought: I don’t like things about my partner, but I can live with them. Done.
Of course, no one is perfect.
Task: What is one of these minor faults you have adapted to?
>> Just a few...
Being super loud and argumentive (all the time) - kind of learned to live with it, but others have not. Oh and his love of seafood and smoking.
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DAY 109:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we talked about my last journal post. He thought I was triggered by him telling me about his ogle slip but that was not the case. I explained to him that it wasn't really a "trigger", it was more of an "ah" moment, where I spent a lot of time making fun of the guys who ogle me, even to my husband and all the while - he was just like them, that hit me like a ton of rocks, it irked me, not triggered me. It was a sad realization and I know he is trying to change now, but he was that guy, less than two months ago. We didn't talk too much though because the weather was finally decent enough, so we took out the anniversary gift he bought me (1000 piece picture puzzle / of our first wedding dance) and began working on it. We talked in between a little but it was difficult because we kept trying to look for pieces etc. After a while though, both of our backs began giving out lol so we went inside and talked a little more on the bed... one thing led to another and... well, you know.

Today we went to see Deadpool 2, my husband was super excited - he was waiting for this movie since Deadpool (1) came out LOL. The mall was empty when we got there, a few minor 'threats' but he seemed to handle himself well. He was pointing out guys he noticed ogling me, that was funny and really out of character for him because he never notices anything. We had lunch, got back to our neighborhood and went for a quick walk and then had to go pick up the little one from daycare. Oh the way there and a little on the way back, he was telling me how he wishes there was a way for him to figure out a way to show me how he really feels faster so that I really believe him. Well, he means to figure out a way to prove to me that I am the only woman he wants (in all ways) and doesn't need or want anyone else, but he is afraid there isn't enough time to prove it to me, within our two-year limit. I told him though, 12 years of being ignored and watching him ogle other women in front of me destroyed my body image, self-esteem, confidence and that kind of thing, well, 2 years may not be enough to 'heal' or 'fix', unfortunately - because a lot of damage was done. Thing is, how am I supposed to convince myself to believe, that now - after 12 years of him 'drooling' over everyone other than me, he finds ME attractive? he wants only ME? he desires just ME? he prefers my ass to the 100 other chicks he spent so much time staring at - when I was right there, in front of him. I mean I can't just forget that stuff, it destroys a person and yes it feels different today, then it did three months ago (we never had transparency/honesty, intimacy or real love before), but I don't know how long it will take or if it will ever really be restored to what it was, pre-marriage. I know he is really scared of where my head is at, with my fear of "what if"... because it is a big fear of mine. His track record isn't so great with me, I've given him so many chances, time and time again only to get lied to (constantly) and cheated on for it. Yes, this time is different, he is actually showing effort, putting in the work to change, on the path of recovery, unlike all those other times; but, 'what if' he stops all that and starts up all that other shit again? that's where the fear sets in for me. I don't want to be here again in 5 years, I want to be in a happy, HONEST, loving, sexually tantalizing relationship with a man who adores ONLY ME in 5 years time - not finding out I've been lied to again and filing for divorce at 40. He knows this, I've been rather clear about it.

A bit later he also told me how he doesn't think he could ever be this honest with anyone else if I leave him. So, he would never be able to have this kind of intimacy with anyone else. I told him, "why not, you never know" and he said that he doesn't think he could tell/admit to someone new about his PA or why I left him. So his new relationship would start on a lie. I told him, I too would not be able to be so open with anyone new, I would have learned my lesson and would not set myself up to get hurt again. I guess that's just life, you know? Of course, I think if it doesn't work out with us in two years, he SHOULD tell anyone he wants to be serious with about his PA upfront, so he doesn't end up trapping them - like he did to me, but I guess I'm biased. I don't think anyone deserves a surprise like this, it should be a choice -- if someone wants to be apart of a relationship with an addict/recovering addict and all of the challenges that come with it.

However; having said that, losing this kind of tender love, raw openness, honesty, vulnerability, intimacy, and emotional connection would really suck. I've never experienced anything like this before, with anyone. I mean, I've always wanted it, but never really knew what it was, until now. It is so unreal to be able to have one person that you can tell ANYTHING to, no matter how good or bad without the fear of them getting angry, starting a fight, drama or well... punching you in the face. Someone who literally knows EVERYTHING about you, that no other soul does, someone who accepts all your truths. It's one of the best and most intense feelings in the world and it's something I won't be able to replicate with anyone else (reason mentioned above). But as much as I love who my husband is today, these last three months - I'm still not convinced that this 'new guy' is here to stay for good and what's worse, I don't think he can tell me that for sure either, at least not yet.

So the dilemma we find ourselves in is really is scary for us both, because neither of us has any certainty these days. We can only take this all, one day at a time.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My hair is still reeling off the Revlon color conditioner and was flowing rather well today.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week IV - Friday (5/18)
Thought: This relationship is a lot better than most I have seen. Done.
At this moment in time, perhaps. Three months ago, I couldn't say that because I couldn't wait to be out of it.
Task: Think of a marriage you know that’s awful.
>> Tina & Ike Turner...
He beat her daily, domestic abuse is never okay -- and he frequently cheated on her too, so I'd say that marriage was pretty bad.
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Yep, ahaha and well it's a wedding photo, so a white dress... as a puzzle, it's going to take us a while to finish LOL

 

I really hope so! that would be a miracle (for me).

It's all white, the top halter part has white/silver diamonds but with the camera glare = white everywhere lol

But yes it was a creative and awesome gift, I love it.

 

DAY 110:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we discussed his fear of me deciding to leave at the end of two years. He doesn't want what we have now to end, he doesn't want us to end. He is worried that two years is just not enough time to prove/show/convince me to see myself, the way he tells me he see's me. I'm afraid he is right though based on what happened today... I don't know if two years is enough to push out the 12 years of trauma, at least if it's enough to really sway my mind. I just can't say, because I just don't know. I know I love him more than ever, relationship wise I am happy (I have what I wanted: love, trust, honesty, intimacy, connection, attentiveness) especially right now, but I'm not sure if living like this, for the rest of our lives would be ideal for either of us... with me constantly having PTSD when certain type of women are around, even if he is controlling his ogling now.

Today we had another Pokemon Go event, it's a "community day" event, but really it only occurs once a month form 2-5pm eastern time [don't judge ]. So, the best place to be is either a public park or a mall, because of the shitty weather, we had to go to the mall. Yep, the mall again on a Saturday, midday, when the weather outside is shit -- which means EVERYONE is inside AKA a lot of women... #RiP. A lot of 'threats', 'notices', plenty of tights jeans, yoga pants, tight tops - pretty much an oglers dream. My husband did his best to control himself, he admitted when we first got there, he got overwhelmed because of all the hot women (temptations) all around him, he had his rubberband and snapped it to keep himself in check to not to ogle. Then our daughter found a friend close by to the area where I was sitting, so he was next to me a lot and said touching me helped to distract him. However, it didn't help to distract me, I noticed every - single - one of them and all I kept thinking to myself was "three months ago, he would be wiping the drool off of his face and navigating our daughter to area's to get better looks at the women he considered the perfect ogling material, you know - anyone but me. Those thoughts make me sick to my stomach. He keeps telling me that he wants to change, he wants to stop ogling for himself and not just to 'not to hurt me' but I can't help but wonder, had he not decided to control himself, how many asses would he be staring at today? tits? how many would he undressing with his eyes, which woman he would have been daydreaming about having his dick inside of, not me obviously since he never bothered looking in my direction before? I can't help it, it's hardwired into my brain. Ironically, before we left I went to the restroom, when I came out there was a man standing with a stroller (I guess his wife and kid were in the bathroom) and he was ogling me like crazy, my hubby noticed - him ogling me when I walked out, when I was putting my jacket on, when I walked around to my stroller and then my husband gave him an "eye" and then he (the ogler) looked away and he was like "wow" and I said "yep, that was you" and he said "I know, I don't want to be that anymore", I told him to imagine how many husbands or boyfriends gave you a look for checking out their girls but you were too zoned out to even notice, even with a baby in hand too. No matter how deep our intimacy has gotten, those thoughts haven't gone away, I thought they would, but they are always in the back of my mind, some days less - some days more, but still always there.

On the car ride home, he told me that he felt like he handled himself good, given the circumstance and asked me how I did. I agreed, I think he did handle himself well, but I told him that today was rough for me, that sometimes I wish I could be how I was three months ago when I didn't care anymore when his ogling just made me roll my eyes but because I was disconnected from him - it no longer triggered me. Now that we are getting closer and closer, my triggers/reactions sting badly sometimes and I can not control them - some are decent, okay, not bad but some are really horrible/painful. He keeps reminding me that he doesn't mind if I need to cancel the cruise, because he really wants to make the next vacation a good memory and is afraid that even if he is in control, I might get triggered and that might ruin the cruise for me, that perhaps we should wait another year. I'm not sure, I still have a month to decide. Then I triggered myself worse by remembering how I didn't want to go to his work holiday party because of all the times I would tell him that I know how he talks about other women to the men at work (who know ME, know he is MARRIED) and of course he used to deny it (now admits it) but he convinced me to go to that holiday party last year, so I had to sit there, with them all and their wives - everyone with smiles and shit, meanwhile at work all of these 'married men' are talking about how they'd like to fuck > her and her, what they'd do to her, then to her ass, sharing nudes of random chicks... etc... it just pisses me off to no avail. I can't even, this is the fucking society we live in, this is OKAY and normalized behavior for men, how fucked up is that shit? like why even get married. I'm scared shitless for my two daughters because their generations "boys" are going to be even worse than their fathers.

I can't seem to let go of or forget the last 12 years of my reality, my truth, the slow destruction of the once fairly happy with herself woman that I was. I don't think I will ever really be able to believe him when he tells me that I am enough, or that he thinks that now I'm beautiful or that now I turn him on, because those 12 years, they are imprinted in my mind, forever, there's no way to 'look past them' or 'forget them' or 'blame someone else'. Yes, I understand that porn addiction is a monster and I'm trying to understand him when he says PA took hold of him, he let it but it was it took his focus off of "what he had in front of him all along" and drove him into the excessive porn/ogling and even cheating world. Unfortunately, knowing that now or not, does nothing to what my mind has been put through or the PTSD I have developed due to his actions. So, even though he tells me that now that the fog is lifted, he see's clearly that I'm the only one he wants and desires, I can't help but think "yeah, right - not for nothing, I was there before your PA got really bad, but even with 'me' there, it still did, so obviously I was not enough then, in my prime, so 10 years later and after two kids?". As much as I want to believe it, with every fiber in me, it's just all very difficult to believe after everything I've been through.

When we talked about possible 'other' relationships, if we don't work out - he stated he would never be honest with anyone else, he couldn't be, he'd be ashamed to admit all of this to anyone else. I told him he had to, he shouldn't trap anyone else, if they love him, they'll stay either way. I told him I'd never be this honest/vulnerable with anyone either, but for a different reason - I'm not giving any other man any more bullets to shoot me with later, sorry. Then we both agreed that losing what we have now would suck and since neither of us would be able to have full intimacy with anyone else, we'd never have this experience again. I agree, but I told him that to be honest, after 12 years of not having it, I've gotten used to that as well. After today though, I wonder if maybe that would even work better for me, not to have that sort of love/emotional attachment to someone, because then 'his' actions wouldn't affect me so deeply/painfully. This potential 'new man' would just be there as a companion for me, just someone to spend time with, we wouldn't really need much else - I mean dating in your mid-thirties isn't the same as your early twenties, when you're looking for "the one" to start a life with, family etc. It would be just for fun, travel, pleasure, without any "serious" attachments and I wouldn't have any previous history to get triggered by with this person, even if he was doing right by me now... I don't want to keep blaming my husband (by getting triggered for past behavior) when he is currently doing better, it's not fair to him. Not to mention someone new for my husband would mean he could be with someone who he doesn't have anything to apologize for, a completely fresh start.

When it just the two of us alone, everything feels and seems so perfect, I mean his arms comfort me, talking to him brings me peace, his touch sends me to cloud 9... BUT when we go out into the "real world" where there are constant threats, triggers, and reminders around, that's when the true scope and reality of our situation set in for me and that monster, that beast - it's scary. I know I have a choice to make, I know it lays at my feet and I think it will probably be one of the most difficult decisions I will ever have to make; after all, the scales are divided by the heart V the mind.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My favorite leather jacket is loose on me now, makes me feel progress.

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It really is a difficult road and sometimes it does seems like the damage that has been done to us, is irreparable. I was never like this before, I hate being this way actually. But, here I am - damaged and that's my new normal. I'm really working on myself, making a lot of physical changes but it seems that no matter what I do when I look in the mirror or see a "trigger", any positive vibes I thought I was gaining, all go right out the window. BUT we can't think like this, I can't think like this anymore, if I lose all hope, then I won't ever see the light and I want to get back to a place where I can go outside again and feel like a powerhouse again.

Thank you so much @Penelope, your words are too kind and I appreciate you taking the time to read my journal.

 

DAY 111:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night was a really emotional night for me, I actually teared up in front of him, the first time in, well - I don't even remember how long. I don't cry in front of anyone, it's just not something I do. We were talking about my journal post from two nights ago, his fears of not being able to convince me to see myself, how he see's me [now] within the two years he has. Unfortunately, I think he is right. Not only do I think he is right, I honestly can't say that I think the damage that has accumulated over the last 12 years can be repaired at all. It seems as though, no matter how close we get (intimacy/emotionally) how much I believe him when he tells me other things (PA and non-PA) - when he says I'm enough for him physically, or that he thinks I'm beautiful, sexy, desirable to him - I just can not bring myself to believe him, even though my heart really wants to. Even when a small glimmer of "well, maybe, just maybe" comes over me, my mind quickly snaps back in with the little voice inside that reminds me: "hey you, dummy - remember YOU ARE NOT HIS TYPE BY ANY FUCKING STANDARD, you don't even come close - just think of all the women you litterly saw him look at with your own eyes, they look NOTHING like YOU, yea he might have found you "cute" ten years ago, got married cause you were loyal, but now, NOW? LOOK AT YOU! after two kids, gaining weight, c-section scars, stretch marks, gray hairs, and much more crap to boot, he is just stuck with you. Which is why he NEEDED an outlet [the: P.O.C] instead of disgusting old you". SO, I told him, I don't think none of this will go away and he even said, he doesn't know if any of this seems worth it, then he clarified that he didn't mean the recovery but "trying to salvage the relationship". I think though, he meant the recovery/trying to control his ogling and forcing himself to 'want me'. He was a bit quick with his words, but I let it go. I was still fuming over other shit, I didn't want to dwell on that too, not at that moment. I was crying, frustrated, angry, raising my voice, switching topics and just ranting like a mad-woman. It's overwhelming, all of this. I never realized how damaged I was until I reconnected what I had spent YEARS disconnecting from. It's deep seeded in me, it's apart of my core, it grew with me over the course of 12 years... through every single one of life's moments. I can no longer recall an event, vacation, celebration or anything where 'it' wasn't ruined, because at some point I was witnessing my husband ogling other women, as I stood right next to him... even during times when I was dressed up sexy- it didn't matter, I could have been doing fucking cartwheels in the nude and he would have been too busy trying to look at another woman's ass. You know, as much as I HATE admitting this, even thinking it... but knowing what I know now, about how much he has betrayed me, how far he has gone... I wish that after one of those nights on a cruise, where I bothered to get all dolled up for HIM, to only get ignored while he stared at other women, then left me alone so he could chill at the casino... that I would have had the balls to, instead of walking around the deck alone like a pathetic loser, that I would have went out to one of their nightclubs, gotten plastered, found the hottest guy on the dance floor who was giving me the 'eye', lambada'd the shit outta him and went back to his room for a ONS - just so I could feel that sensation again, of having a man's focus just on ME, his eyes only on ME, wanting ONLY ME, without worrying "oh fuck, I bet he must be thinking of her!" without any of that bullshit, just pure want, lust, desire FOR ONLY ME, YES ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME, ME, ME without me wondering if he was thinking about any other woman from earlier in the day, week, month or year. Knowing that he craved ME because I WATCHED HIM WATCHING ME ALL NIGHT, not 10 other women, he was getting turned on by ME, MY FACE, MY BODY as we danced and then wanted to take ME to his room >>> JUST MEEEEEEEEEEEEE, NO ONE ELSE. I want to be someone's ONLY focus, not one out of a hundred. Sadly though, even though he is trying and I can see he is TRYING to control his ogling, now... I don't think it's something he'll be able to do forever, I think at some point, he will break because I am not enough for him.

I was also angerly fuming to him how absurd it was, the fact that I'm friends with a lot of his work buddies on Facebook, they know me, personally and all "like me" and we talk and seem friendly. Yet when I think about it, all those times they hit "like" on my photos, posts or whatever of me, my kids, our family -- "lovey-dovey" messages on anniversaries, holidays etc., all the while -- the night before they were high-fiving (figuratively speaking) with my husband about how they like to fuck that hot piece of ass that just walked by and 'oh the things they would do to her'... married men folks, it's disrespectful, demeaning and just disgusting. The more I think about it, the more furious it makes me. It makes me have a lot of regrets and I bet 99 out of 100 S.O's on here agree. The problem is, you see - I would never do that to him, I as a MARRIED woman would NEVER DO THAT TO MY HUSBAND. Could I? sure, would I? no. That's the difference. You can't blame everything on PA, sometimes it's the person, not just the addiction, we all have choices.

Today, he really wanted to go and see Deadpool 2, I wasn't really in the mood to do much of anything, but since he already convinced my mom to sit with the girls and he really wanted to go, I got the tickets and we went. Once the movie was over, he stayed for the after credits scene, I saw them on Friday and needed to go pee, so I got up to go before the entire theater would follow. As I made my exit, I walked past a group of friends, three girls in their early twenties all 'threats' aka his prime ogle material. That caused my heart rate to rise because I was paranoid of what would happen if he walks by without me next to him, what if he slips because there's three of them and then that could cause him to lose control in general, my mind went haywire. I came out of the bathroom and he was standing there waiting for me, I didn't see those girls anywhere. We got home, took the kids for a walk, couldn't really talk because of the kids - but I was already pissed, then the kids just were beings kids (chatty etc) making my mood worse. Everything after my notice just pissed me off, things that usually just 'annoy' me were really setting me off. I think it's a blend of my overwhelming trigger from yesterday, my emotional breakdown last night, the notice from today and just this mixed bag of shit. It's all too much, all at one time. Some days I really wish I could go back to like, 2002, when I was 18 and confident, happy and had no care in the world.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Fit into my jeans from High School #progress.

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DAY 112:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we talked and continued to work on our thousand piece puzzle. I was still in a mood from my triggers. Seems as though my feelings that have been so deeply rooted, bottled away and muted because I've been disconnecting for years are reawaking again. Because now that we have been reconnecting, it's like a sleeping dragon has just awoken, after a hundred year slumber and he is full of fire, angry and fury. My wounds are still fresh because they were never dealt with before, just swept under the rug. I don't like having these triggers, I actually hate what I become and how my mind gets. To be honest, sometimes I prefer how I was when I was disconnected and no longer cared, it was so much easier not going through these mood swings. Having said that, talking them out with my husband helps, ironically of course - seeing that he is the one who put them in me, in the first place.

Today started out great. I was in a better mood in the morning. We dropped off the kids at their designated locations for the day and then went to the hubby's MRI appointment. Afterward, we went for a walk, spoke a little and then had a nice lunch. We decided to have another quick walk right after and that's when the day went south. Towards the end of the walk, we were talking about some serious things (possible futures) and I was in the middle of completing a thought and he just starts walking away (as I was still mid-sentence) towards some kid by the lake, who was fishing and begun screaming to him if it caught any fish. I didn't stop walking, I left him there, I continued on the trail and then I hear him screaming "babe, wait up". He asked me what was wrong, I told him, he says "I thought you were done talking"... which means he missed what I was saying for the last few minutes entirely because he was already thinking about making his way to this random stranger fishing, as I was speaking. THAT PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. I told him, NO I was in the middle of talking when you began walking away, WITHOUT A PEEP mind you, just waltz'd away like nothing and left me. Been there, done that - on so many occasions, not anymore, not again. OVER IT. I told him I am NO LONGER going to talk to him about this specific topic again, so he'll just have to be left in suspense for two years about it and I am NOT going to budge on that, period. I've been through this too many times before, I REFUSE to be treated like shit anymore, I AM D-O-N-E with that. I want a man who puts me FIRST, for once in my mother fucking adult life and if that means I have to move on a find a new man who is capable of giving me the love, honesty, respect, focus AND attention that I DESERVE, so be it - but I will be damned if I spend the rest of my life playing second fiddle to everyone or everything else again.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved the fit and look of my new 'yoga' shorts with an added bonus of large side pockets!

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week V - Monday (5/21)
Thought: I was really lucky to meet my partner. Done.
Initially, I thought I was, can't say the last 12 years I've felt that way at all.
Task: List one benefit that being in a relationship with your partner offers.
>> Freedom of Speech
At this moment in time, it would have to be the fact that we can no talk openly, honestly and freely to each other, no matter the topic at hand.

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DAY 113:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we discussed how I was no longer going to accept being put second, to anything, anymore - ever again, period. I am done with all that crap. I am tired of spending my entire life always putting everyone first, meanwhile, I don't even make their top ten. I'm not counting kids, they always come first - but you all know what I mean. After what he did during our walk earlier that day, I explained to him that he gave me flashbacks, to every single moment where he just left me feeling: alone, ignored and in the shadows. I want my man to make ME his priority, I want to be his everything, always. He keeps telling me that he is trying and he is still learning, and I get it, I know recovery is new to him, us and mistakes will happen but what he did wasn't just a 'causal' mistake, it was just rude - plain and simple. It is also something he goes off on our older daughter about, all the time - so he knows how wrong it is. His father and mom do that shit too and that's obviously where he gets it from, and they can do it to one another until they are blue in the face... but me? nope, not tolerating it any longer.

Then during the talk, he told me how sorry he was for all that he has done, all the pain he has caused, how he is in disbelief that he could have done all of that stuff to me and how truly remorseful he is about it. I believe him, I honestly do. However, it doesn't change the facts at hand, IT ALL REALLY DID HAPPEN - all of it, to me, and I suffered through it for twelve long years. He promised to never ignore me again, he wants to be the one to make me happy and put me first from now on. He wants to make new memories, to replace old tainted ones and basically start fresh, but with this marriage, with us. He says that this recovery has him seeing clearly now because he is no longer focusing on PA, that distraction/fog has been lifted. I can tell he seems to really be at a place right now, where he really wants my decision to be in his favor, for me to stay in this marriage and give him a chance to right all of the wrongs he has made (unlike before, where it seemed as though he didn't give a shit either way)... but I'm skeptical that it will last [this new guy], I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop... that he'll eventually get bored with me... I just don't know. I mean, realistically speaking - is he the person who can make me happy? can the person who broke me, be the one to fix me? ... is that possible? all of this is so confusing. I want to be hopeful and I would love for what we have now to last forever, but I'm afraid it won't, I'm afraid that in one fine moment, he'll snap and want to go back to what he loves... his porn, his masturbation... his ogling... and I'll be another 10 years older when it happens.

He had to go to work this morning, so I went for a walk on my own, I took my sweet time, I needed to think - without a three-year-old screaming at the top of her lungs in the background. First point, what is up with 2018 oglers? before when I use to give eye contact, to let them know "I SEE YOU", they would quickly look away/seem embarrassed, now they just keep staring and smirk too!? wtf? anyway. The second point, my husband is not a fan of me being alone with my thoughts, I don't blame him. So, I started thinking back to my conversation with my him last night. I completely agree with him that it's great that we are at a point where we can talk to each other about anything, it really has been therapeutic for us both. Then I found some irony in a comment he made, when he was talking about putting me first and that he wanted to give me a massage the night before but couldn't find the time, but would do it tonight after our talk... then he went to get the laundry from downstairs, but when he came back up, he told me he wanted to smoke his pipe and talk some more, so I said okay, but reminded him "I thought you needed to go to bed because you need to get up early?" and he said it's fine [because he wanted to smoke and drink his wine]. So, he smoked, we talked some more... went inside, he wasn't done drinking his wine, so he said let's continue talking so we did... no word about that "massage" he mentioned earlier. I didn't really bother me in the sense of I could survive without one, but the mere fact that he was giving me a whole lecture about changing, making it all about me now, how he was sorry about earlier (walking away) etc... then he says one thing, but his actions - again, do something different. I guess as the saying goes... "the more things change, the more they stay the same".

Anyhow, I also did a lot of thinking about my life in general throughout the last decade. I got married to him really young, he was my first in everything and well, I picked him out of quite of few options I had. There was even one guy, whose father owns a restaurant, he had a nice car, loads of money, he was a bit full of himself but I could have had a lot of nice things, but I'm just not that kind of girl... there were a few other options as well, but I picked the Marine who didn't have a car and took a train for 2 hrs just to see me, because I thought he was "the right one", he wouldn't break my heart, he'd be honest and loyal. When we were dating, he sure made me believe it - in the beginning at least. I guess leaving it up to my heart isn't such a good idea, after all, look at where I'm at now - never in my wildest dreams did I plan on ever getting a divorce, I wanted to get married to THE ONE and stay married 'till death, do us part' -- not looking for love again in two years, ugh. I began thinking back and there were plenty of red flags that I ignored. The more we were together the bigger the flags got, but like an idiot, I brushed them off as 'eh, it's a guy thing' or 'boys will be boys' etc. One of the biggest red flags came from his own father, who on my 21st birthday/our engagement party told me and my father [who was a bit tipsy and didn't pay attention, thankfully] but he said "you need to watch Wade, he's a guy and there are so many 'distractions [girls] out there for him', make sure to keep him occupied and happy'", he said it in russian so it's hard for me to translate properly, but he pretty much warned me that my husband had the potential to cheat on me, because he's a guy, you know how guys can be, with so much 'temptation out there' if they aren't satisfied at home. I was FLOORED, to say the least, like seriously FLOORED, I still feel the shock go through my body now when I recall that memory. To make matters worse, right after that wonderful comment, I walked up to Wade, who was standing across from his best friend and chatting, I grabbed his arm and kind of hugged it, he didn't react much to my presence... but about two minutes later three girls walked by (in between him and his friend) and as each one passed, he ogled with his entire head up/down and said out loud: DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! once, for each of the three asses that passed by. My heart was devastated and my mind just kept repeating back what his father just told me. But it was my 21st birthday and my "engagement party" so I had to be fucking 'happy' and all I wanted to do was curl up and die. That's one of the only things I remember from that night, oh and one more thing, how he almost missed the main photo with the cake (when the DJ announced my birthday and called me and my party up to the main floor) ... because he needed to have a smoke, so someone had to run out and get him. That's when I should have taken that 'red flag' seriously and ended the relationship, but instead I thought his father was just drunk and just talking out of his ass like a typical old man jabbering and Wade "didn't mean to hurt me by ogling those girls, he's a guy and wanted to look cool in front of his buddy"... how pathetic was I? making excuses for him back then and for the next 12 years that followed. Turns out, his dad's eerie foresight was correct - had I listened to his words of wisdom that night, I could have avoided so much pain, suffering and this colossal destruction of my self-esteem.

So, that was my walk of reflection - thinking back through my history... so much stuff happened, so much stuff missed... I haven't even written it all out here, this post is long enough. Maybe at some point, I will, but not today. It just makes me sad, that things could have been so much different.

We'll probably talk about all of this tonight and well, he won't like it, but at least we can talk about it, that's the one great thing we both have now.

This is a good video I came across and thought it was something worth sharing here:

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156830787949769

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I woke up rested today and even though the little one ran into the bed, jumped onto my stomach after my husband left, I didn't lose my shit, I just started laughing at the absurdity instead lol

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week V - Tuesday (5/22)
Thought: Marriage is sometimes a struggle but it’s worth it. Done.
I would really like to believe so, often time though, it has been put into question.
Task: Think of one difficulty thing that you have weathered together so far.
>> Porn Addiction and Betrayal
So far, the most difficult thing we've been "weathering" is exactly this... his porn addiction, ogling, cheating and how single I've felt in this marriage for the last 12 years. I can't say we've "weathered" this yet, because I don't know, but we are "weathering" it, for now.

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DAY 114:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night he gave me a nice back rub and we talked about my last journal posts and the idea of: if he is the one who 'broke me', could he possibly be the one to fix me? could he really make me happy, after being the one who caused all this pain in the first place? he sure hopes so. I mean would love it too, but I don't know myself, how could we/he go on with constant triggers (my end) or possible resentment (his end)?. There are so many questions up in the air. He tells me now that the "fog" is lifted, he knows 110% he wants me, with and without - love and intimacy. That when he saw me recently in my new yoga shorts, he LOVED/got turned on by my ass in them and how the top I wore with them went together well and basically said he found me hot/ogle material like. But the other question is, could he continue his streak of always being honest with me because lying was second nature to him. He says he is getting a lot more confident with himself on the front as well. I guess time will tell.

Today I walked alone again, hubby had to work again. So, there I was again, just me and my thoughts for over an hour. Right as I began my walk there were two huge turtles getting it on in the lake, I stopped to take a few photos to send to my hubby because the minute I saw them, I thought of him and how if he was there, he'd be going crazy at the sight of them LOL. He responded back laughing and sent a message that he was missing me, but I have a feeling he wouldn't have sent me any messages if I didn't send him one first and reminded him I'm still alive. Anyway, a few others also stopped to watch, it was like being at the zoo. Then I turned on my tunes and proceeded to walk and think. Reflected over what was and what 'could have been'. Then my sister-in-law sent me a message, inviting us to her birthday party in two weeks and of course, we can't make it, because the hubby works. That got me thinking about something else... yesterday I thought about how if I would have taken what my father-in-law warned me seriously before I tied the knot, I would have never gone through with this marriage and would have avoided a lot of heartbreak and maybe actually had a marriage, where I wasn't married but single the whole time. I guess I am bitter at how my marriage/love life has unfolded, don't get me wrong I love my children to death and don't regret them - but this is not what I thought being married would be like for me, not the way it has been for the last 12 years and I don't just mean the PA alone. I'll explain further, my husband works odd hours, most holidays, through most birthdays/celebrations and a lot of weekends. So, most of the time I'm married but still single, from a really young age at that, I got married at 21. So, he knew/knows that and I've told him how lonely I've felt because he's always working, when other couples have those 'days' to celebrate-- but instead of trying to do something to make up for it (EVER), when he was home, he ignored me further, pushed me away, drooled over other women, made me feel unwanted and escalated his PA... into more than just PA to boot. I've never done anything to deserve any of this, I've been married but single and alone for pretty much the entirety of my whole marriage and it didn't really HIT me, until I had to tell my SIL, no we can't make it, even though I didn't want to go anyway. It's pretty painful to think about it all - so many years of my life, my youth, my prime, just... wasted away, gone and spent on being unappreciated as a woman, feeling sad, alone and unwanted - when I could have been someone else's everything, their dream girl, their sun, and moon. Just as I felt 'down' and began my 2nd round, a group of young college guys (looked to be about maybe 20-22 yr olds?) were running in my direction and started smiling at me as they passed - that made me giggle a little and distracted me from my depressing train of thoughts, because the way they all did it (turned their heads and smiled was completely in sync, as if they practiced LOL). Then a song I love came on "Despacito", whenever that song comes on - my mind goes into fantasy land. I started imagining myself on a dance floor - my hair down, in a sexy dress, with high heels and a long slit, I'm just slowly moving my body with the beat and all eyes were on me, for once. For a split second, I felt wanted and sexy, at least in my mind. It felt good, while it lasted.

The thing that really screws with my head right now, well, for the past few weeks -- is that all those real memories, legit feelings of pain, trauma, 'triggers' etc still hurt and more than ever before, or at least more then I remember because I stuffed those feelings so deeply, that I never thought they'd ever see the light of day - ever. But then, I also have an influx of all these new, different feelings... intense feelings, good ones... of real honest/raw love, deep emotional connection, even peace? with him, as he is today, how WE are now and have been these last few months... what we have at this moment in time - it is something I've always wanted, waited for... but never had, until now. It's been like a strange roller coaster ride, to say the least. Feeling good half the time, then getting thrown for a loop when hit with triggers or bad/painful memories... all from the same man - it's mind-boggling, really. How can both of those things be true, all at once???


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Went through a few of my shirts that I just bought last year and they are too big for me right now... I had to throw them into my "donate to charity" bag.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week V - Wednesday (5/23)
Thought: There is a lot of affection between us. Done.
The last few months there has been.
Task: Plan a surprise gift for your partner for tonight.
>> He's had a long day... and is sleeping now...
So, I wrote him a little note and left it on his pillow - so he would get it right as he got into bed.

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Aha, that's right ;-)

Just like the Phoenix..., she will rise again!