Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 98:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, he read my journal entry before we began talking and well, wasn't in a great mood afterward, I can understand why. Of all the things that got to him the most, he said the last quote hit him the hardest: "For a girl, every relationship starts with 'he's different' and ends with 'he's just like the rest'" and he said, unfortunately, as much as it hurts, it's the truth and he wants to do everything in his power to change my mind and show me that he can be different. And I know that he is being sincere and means that. I feel bad about my triggers/feelings and how they make him feel too, which is why I'm not a fan of really bringing it all up, each time - but he wants me to do it and I fear it will cause him to regress. Because I think he is doing a great job in this recovery, far better than I ever expected him to, well I didn't think he would start, so... yea - I do not want to jeopardize that. We went over the same topic again, he comforted me a bit and then he wanted to go watch some tv before heading back out to work.

This morning we went for our walk and he told me about his night, how his co-worker commented about a woman passing by (with "look at her, she's stacked!") and he was able to ignore it and not even lift his head. He says that self-control is getting better when it comes to ogling, the more he puts it into practice, the easier it gets. I really hope so. I want him to get all of this under control, the PA and ogling, not for me but for himself and our girls and even if we don't end up together, for his next woman - so she won't have to endure the pain I did. We spoke about how he wants to work as much as he can, a true and as fast to make sure I see that he wants me and us to work and to prove that these three months can last a lifetime. He knows that he only has two years to prove to me, that I'm what he wants and that this new him is for real. Two years sounds like a while in theory, but it's really not and I'm not trying to put pressure on him but I'm not getting any younger - so, I don't have any more time to waste. Before he went to sleep, I gave him a new task/question to consider and get back to me, whenever. I want him to do some reflecting. I want him to try and remember what went through his mind when he first saw me... initially.

After he got up for the day, we went for another stroll... we were supposed to take the little one but he convinced my parents to sit with both the kids lol and we walked alone. We discussed all of this again. He told me he has been really thinking my question(s) through, a lot. He has tried separating how he see's me physically vs through love/intimacy and he still says he does find me beautiful, hot, attractive (without the intimacy) because he constantly wants to touch me, finds himself trying to grab my thighs, butt etc. That when I'm next to him, he gets turned on and that wouldn't happen if he wasn't attracted to me. How two days ago he claims that he 'ogled' aka got so distracted by my butt 'in yoga pants' aka his thing, while I was standing waiting for him to park the car, he almost ran it through the fence, I don't really believe him {I think he's exaggerating} but it's funny anyway lol. Anyhow, then on the drive back home, I mentioned: "well, I hope you aren't saying all this because you feel guilty for the last 12 years" and he was like "OMG, just when I think I've gotten it all figured out, now you are making me think about it all again?". I'm really not trying to frustrate him with this, I'm just trying to get him to think about it, so he/we can figure it out for sure.

I hope he understands that in the end, all my questions and concerns, they all have a purpose - I want us BOTH to be happy and in order for that to happen, we BOTH have to be honest with OURSELVES and each other.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week III - Monday (5/07)
Thought: My partner helps me to reduce stress. Done.
Before recovery: NO, he was the primary cause of it. Now? YES. Because we talk thing out/work things through.
Task: List one time when your spouse helped you reduce stress.
>> Communicating after my first big trigger during this recovery
Reference to Journal post 32, it was supposed to be a simple question "Can I go to a game with the boys?", recovery just began and well, it set me off (triggered me) and instead of bottling up, as usual, I tried something new - talking it out with him and it really helped me calm down and relieve my stress about it.
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#RelationshipGoals


#IronicQuote

 

Thank you for your feedback, for me though I understand the inner beauty part (after so many years) but I NEED for him to be interested in me physically as well, purely raw sexual desire, because if not, then the risk of him turning back to PM is higher because he may get "bored". That's why this is a big dilemma for me. I am at a point in my life, where I want to be with someone who wants to be with me for my inner and outer beauty, both of those should be enough for them and they don't need to seek out other outlets for any other 'satisfaction' -- and if that means I will be spending the rest of my life with someone else, then so be it. I hope that makes sense? I just want to be happy.

Good luck to you guys as well

 

DAY 99:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, he thought it would be a good idea to take a breather from our [well, my] trigger talks and instead reminisce about our first date through all of our dates (pre-kids). After thinking about it quite a bit, we realized that he did chase me, a little too much in the beginning, so much so that I was getting annoyed and making up excuses at times lmao and he would have never found out, had my mom not thrown me under the bus and told him everything! ugh lol anyway. It was fun going down memory lane, we had a lot more 'sweet' memories before marriage it seems. I mean we did have a few bad moments too [#missedredflags] and I almost broke up with him once but he literally came over and begged me for another chance, as much as it hurt him to hear this (and me to say it) I told him yesterday, that I sort of wish I would have just went through with it then back then, I could have avoided so much pain and suffering, my life would have been so different because once he "got" me [we got married] everything just went downhill, for me, from there. He stopped 'trying' and put me aside and began daydreaming and focusing his attention on everyone else, sigh.

We went for our walk, he told me about a few incidents again where his coworkers was pointing out someone's "ass" or whatnot and he ignored it. I think at some point, that coworker will question the silence, because before in the past my husband was all about commenting... so that will be interesting, I'm sure. He went to bed, I told him he needed to get to sleep asap because it's my mom's birthday and we were going to go out to dinner, so he needed to be 'good' and not exhausted. I left, then I needed to go grab something out of the bedroom and when I walked back in, he was sitting upright, looked startled and started shutting off his phone and said he was just turning everything off and I said "that took you 10 minutes? really?" -- that triggered me, because this is sometimes the time and place he would PM. I got frustrated and fast. I told him to just go to sleep and I don't want to hear a peep outta him when it's time to wake up.

We went out to dinner for my moms birthday, I noticed a few minor threats, seems like it wasn't too bad [ogle wise]. I did pick up on something that I'll bring up to him later and discuss here tomorrow. My mood has been blah all day after this morning (walking in on him 'quickly shutting off his phone', when I thought he would already be in the middle of falling asleep) had lasting effects. I have to say, dealing with this relationship was so much easier when I was completely emotionally checked out, I just didn't give a crap what he was doing anymore, nothing really 'triggered' me, I would get annoyed or pissed, but then it would fizzle out to "whatever" rather quick. Now, it's overwhelming and bothers me, I don't enjoy this at all, it took me so long to get to a place of indifference, now to be smack dab in the middle of feeling shit again, ugh.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week III - Tuesday (5/08)
Thought: I can easily recall the first we met. Done.
YES. Ironically, we just discussed it last night! lol.
Task: Write a sentence describing what you remember.
>> New York Comic Con 2014
We met on a Russian social media site initially and decided to meet offline (after chatting for a bit). I figured a very populated area in New York City would be the safest place to meet a stranger offline, so I already had plans to go to this Con with my friend and since he had been asking to meet up for a while, I said I could meet with him there, he said sure. It was January, so it was cold, my friend and I got there and were standing around looking for this young, hot Marine that I've been talking to online. There was this one, older looking scruffy guy in a beanie and heavy wool trench coat, alone standing by the entrance, smoking a cigarette and my heart began racing, I was like "no fucking way... that can't be him!" to my friend, I was getting paranoid and freaking out. She said, "well, try calling him and if he picks up, you'll know for sure". We made a plan, if it was him, we'd leave - no harm, no foul. We worked out our plan, my heart was pounding, pulled out my phone, dialed him up, with the corner of our eyes we both watched... the phone began to ring... THAT GUY PICKS UP HIS PHONE. My heart sank, I was so disappointed, I had a knot in the pit of my stomach and thought "that asshole tried to catfish me!!" and when he said "hello?" on the line, and I was like "uhh, hi, where are you?" and he goes "right behind you" (the old scruffy guy was still by the door) the quickly turned around, hung up the phone and was so damn relieved LOL. My hottie was still, well, young and hot. #phew.
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I did, he told me he was finishing up a mobile game and was already turning everything off when I came in. The motion's still triggered me. This morning he left his phone away from the bed when he went to sleep though.

 

DAY 100:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Wow, @Wade W. Wilson has broken into the 3 digit mark! he is on day 100 of being free of PM and lying (to me). I am very proud of him, as much as I believe in him on all other fronts, when it has come to this stuff, he has never - ever, bothered trying, let alone hitting benchmarks towards beating this addiction. With every new day that he crosses off the calendar, he proves to himself and me, that this time it is different, this time he is serious. Of course, a lot of the romantic gestures [especially enthusiasm and frequency] from the first 30 days has dwindled (I figured it would though) but overall he's been keeping up with the most important parts: no PM, honesty/talking with me every night, journaling, keeping up with his AP's.

Last night, we spoke about random thoughts, our past, and my current triggers. He *knows* I am enough for him, especially physically (without anything else mixing in, those are just bonuses). How he always thought I was hot, wants to constant grab me, touch me, kiss me, feel me, so, he doesn't see why that would have changed, he just lost sight of it because his addiction took his focus and attention away from me/aka what has always been right in front of him.

I also brought up to him, what I noticed/bugged me at the restaurant yesterday (my mom's birthday dinner). For some weird reason, when he sat down (and the way everyone else went to sit) him and I ended up sitting across from each other lol but that wasn't even a big deal (although he was being a little annoying about it to my mom, asking her to move, not realizing it was sounding rude - she didn't budge anyway lmao). So, [what I'm about to describe happened in mere seconds btw] I noticed from the corner of my right eye an 'incoming threat' about to pass right behind my head, my eyes on instinct went right to his. I saw that he noticed her when she was still on my right, he looked down at his phone, looked at me (she was now behind me), as she was about to pass to my left (her ass would now be in perfect view for him), so he positioned his eyes [rather quickly from what it looked like to me] straight at my breasts, then back to his phone, then she was gone. That bothered me, quite a bit. I told him about it and he said that he's not sure what I was talking about because it must have all just been pure coincidence, because yes he did notice her and started messing with his phone to avoid her and he was staring at my breasts throughout the whole dinner, randomly. So, some may wonder, why did that bother me? "he was ogling you! which is better than another woman!" yea, but no... not really in a complimentary way - if you think about it. 1) I get that he says that's not what happened but 2) to me, that's how I perceived it/looked like. I felt as if he did it, just to find a "safe" body part to ogle, what better place, then on me, his wife - since I'm the one woman he should be allowed to ogle. In my mind, it was like he was telling himself "just stare at her boobs and you'll be okay, keep staring, anything but that hot chicks ass, your wife is looking right at you, KEEP LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE'S BOOBS, NOT THAT HOT CHICK'S ASS". I don't want to be a fallback, an object that's "safe" to distract himself from what he really wants, to check out other women. He swears that's now what happened though, but it sure as hell felt that way to me.

Dude, I hate that THIS is who I've become. I was NEVER like this, in my prime (pre-kids obviously) I use to go out with my friends and the guys would swarm us, confidence was at its peak, I never felt bad about myself, guys would try to get my number, flirt with me, even attempt to make moves when I wasn't single! etc. But, then I decided to say yes and marry my boyfriend who I thought was different and fell victim to 12 years of emotional, and well I guess mental abuse that has beaten my self-esteem to a bloody pulp. I've lost all of my confidence, granted most women complain about their looks as they get older, but I can't even look in the mirror on most days without wanting to throw something at it. This is NOT who I ever wanted to be. I never thought, not in a million years, that I would end up a hot mess like this, getting triggered by such bullshit. What have I been turned into, ugh? I just can not believe it, honestly. This PTSD, being triggered, betrayal trauma shit is no joke, talk about damaged goods man.

This morning I was a wreck, so far all week it's like my kids have a plan on who can drive me the most insane, first. Both of them have been driving me up a damn wall, definitely a competition between the two of them. Plus, my parents, dad complains about everything all the time, 24/7 and mom is suffering because of it too, that all falls on me as well. Took a brisk walk this morning, but I wasn't really in a good mood, the walk helped calm me, nothing to report on my husbands end at that point. Then when he woke up we decided to take the girls for a walk, the weather was nice and we needed them to burn some energy. I noticed some 'threats', but I think he tried to avoid them as best as he could. It's funny, this time I wore shorts and he said "I never saw those shorts" or "never saw you in those kinds of shorts", sort of like when he commented about my skort a few weeks ago. I haven't worn short stuff, well for two reasons ... him and my mom, both of whom I guess I have allowed to get in my head. My mom always made remarks about stuff being too short/revealing and that gets me paranoid because I don't like unwanted attention [as well as snarky looks from other women] and him because he's been so busy making me feel horrible about my body, that I've been too embarrassed to wear anything but baggy comic t-shirts and yoga pants. Now though, I can't say my confidence is back, but I am just currently in the spirit of "I don't give a fuck anymore" and if I fit into something and it's nice out, I'm going to fucking wear it - onlookers be damned, whether I look like shit or not, oh well. I have enough going on in my head these days, I don't need to be paranoid about even more petty crap. Plus, if I can't wear my short-shorts at 33, when am I going to rock 'em? when I'm 80?

I'm just tired of everything. I need a break. I'm screaming and no one hears a sound.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week III - Wednesday (5/09)
Thought: I remember many details about deciding to get married. Done.
I do, how he proposed is rather funny and difficult to forget... and now thinking back, I guess it was an ironic foretelling of how our marriage would unfold (based on how it began).
Task: Write a sentence describing what you remember.
>> He proposed in a very 'unconventional way' (maybe I'll elaborate at a later date)
I did say yes. I thought I was in a good relationship, with an honest, hardworking, loyal man, who was head over heels in love with me... who wasn't like the 'rest' and someone who would never hurt or betray me... :-/
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DAY 101:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we talked about a few things, some depressing things but serious stuff that needed to be discussed... both of us agreed that it is such a relief that we are at a place right now, that we can just talk freely about all of it - without the other freaking out, getting enraged, storming out and ending a conversation, before it even begins. This makes our situation a hell of a lot more manageable and easier to handle, rationalize and figure out. Even though talking about my trigger/questions to him the last few days have been a bit repetitive, he's kind of glad, because now he says he's been sort of breaking apart his thought process after his immediate actions. So for instance, when he catches himself staring at me when watching tv, he thinks it's more intimacy related because he says he stares in admiration and thinks "how beautiful" she is. Then he says when I pass by him and he just instinctively grabs my butt, he says that's just raw sexual 'want', where he, as a man to a woman just wants to touch me and is attracted to my behind's sex appeal. I'm happy he is starting to spin to wheels in his head, this will really help him discover where he stands when it comes to being attracted to me, on purely raw physical attraction, minus things like love, intimacy, and history. Physical attraction is extremely important, without it - those who are more susceptible to PA will be more likely to slip back into it and slipping back into it will cause all those other newfound feelings of love and intimacy to vanish again. And I sure as HELL am NOT playing this game again, no way. I have already begun feeling the high of the intensity of these new feelings we are having (his attentiveness, intimacy, romance, sensuality) beginning to slow down a bit, the emotional connection seems to be steady at the moment, but I don't know how long that will last.

Even though it wasn't planned for today, I told him I needed to have the little one dropped off at daycare, we were only going to do one day this week because of his work schedule but my anxiety level this week couldn't take it, I needed a damn break, really bad. So, I walked alone and he drove her to daycare. So we missed our morning talk. I actually didn't mind walking alone today though, it gave me a mental break, I was able to do some serious reflecting and the funny thing is when I began my walk - I wasn't even planning on it, I thought I was just going to listen to some fun tunes and walk around like a mindless zombie. Within the first few minutes of my walk, I had a notice of someone, a "threat" a college-aged girl in really tight yoga pants and what I would say, rather 'sexy' workout clothing altogether, which I know, without a shadow of a doubt my husband would have ogled in the past and maybe even slipped if he were there today, I felt my heart rate go up within seconds but rolled my eyes and I just kept walking. Halfway through, she pops up again, I guess she started to run, so she made the circle back quick. Then I thought to myself "thankfully he isn't here today, he would have been jumping through hoops to avoid ogling her". So, the more I thought about her, him, his ogling, me, my triggers, my anger, the worst I got and then THAT got me super frustrated because I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. Like I mentioned in my last post, I can't stand who I've become. So, then I started to think: FUCK IT, I need to get my shit together and really start working on myself, hard, like really really hard. I need to get myself back in order both mentally and physically, try to be happier for me. I honestly can not recall a time when I really did anything for myself, where I put myself, my needs first. I need to figure out what makes me happy, really happy because when I sit down and think about it, I really don't know anymore. I love my kids and family of course but that's not the same thing that I'm referring to. I also need to be able to do simple things, like dress up for MYSELF and not worry about what anyone else is going to think. At the end of the day, no matter how much I love my husband, how much I am attracted to my husband (and I can say this with 150% certainty: physically, pure raw sexual desire, and now intimately) - I just can not force him to find me attractive, desirable, to want me in a raw sexual way and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to contort myself into a damn pretzel just to figure out ways to force someone into finding me hot/desirable/attractive, if it isn't something that just comes to him on his own, from his own free will (heart, mind, and DICK) there's no point, you know? I have to work my ass off to get to a point, where I can look in a mirror again and find myself hot/attractive again, without having him or who he has ogled clouding what I see staring back at me. I'm going to try, as difficult as this uphill battle will be, but I really will try and work on me, for me, for once.

Anyway, on the ride to go pick up the little one, he saw something was up with my mood [which before, he wouldn't notice or care] and asked what was wrong. I told him... everything that I just wrote up above. It was difficult for me, I don't like discussing it because it's about me, again. He says he wants to help me heal and help me rebuild my self-confidence but I don't know how he can or where the hell to even start myself. I appreciate that he sincerely wants to be there for me and that he now notices when something is off, that now I do have someone to talk to when a mere 3 months ago, I had no one - that's already something. It just really is a diffffffficculllltttt topic to go through with him, in particular, because well... he and I both know the elephant in the room, he, his PA... his actions caused this and me coming to him for help with it now, is kind of, oh I don't know, insane? but for some topsy-turvy reason at this moment in time, he is the only one I trust? I just hate having to talk to him about potential prepping myself, for a potential split and getting myself prepped for other men? kind of weird - hurtful, painful? but the harsh reality of where we could be in two years, as neither of us knows what he'll figure out by then...

On a positive note: I will say this, I think I kind of started on a good track on my birthday last July, I've been holding steady on that front. I've also been slowly developing my courage by the little things... like wearing the short skort, the short-shorts, and a v-neck top, things I've been avoiding like the plague in recent years. To most people, those things might seem 'stupid' or 'small' or even 'kind of irrelevant' but for me, it is sort of a big deal, I tend to really pay attention to what other people think or how they look at me. So, when I walk around in say, short-shorts, I'm also fighting my inner thoughts of "those people are looking at you," "these people are probably thinking _____," or watching for glares, whispers etc. So, small steps but these are still steps for me I guess. I'm going to keep pushing forward, it's not like I have anywhere else to go, right?

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week III - Thursday (5/10)
Thought: I can recall our engagement. Done.
A super funny proposal, he was really nervous but he asked me not to tell the story lol
Task: Write a sentence about what you remember.
>> It was on my 21st birthday...
Since he asked me not to share the funny way he did it, I will say, it left me confused for the first 20 minutes at least.
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DAY 102:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night then again this morning, we had some more emotional talks. We went over everything that has been running through our minds the last week and he has been really concerned that him being around me is going to stunt or effect my healing in some way (in a negative way). He thinks that maybe if I had set my mind to a final/concrete "I'm leaving after 2 years, period" without any sway or even considering a possibility of staying, it would make it easier for me to move on with healing my confidence/self-esteem. He knows that my self-esteem was destroyed because of him/his actions throughout our marriage, a very long twelve years worth and I can't lie to him and say "of course not! it has nothing to do with you!" because, well, we both know that would be a lie. It's a cold, hard fact and no matter how you slice it, how much recovery or healing is achieved it will always be apart of his, my and our history - no matter if we end up together or separate in the end.

I told him that, as pessimistic as I am, I have still found some positivity even in this situation... this is the first time I have ever had someone that I can talk to openly and freely. Where I can be completely honest no matter what the subject or truth that is being spoken. This is kind of a big deal for a person who has spent their entire lives bottling everything up and never telling anyone their true feelings, for fear of hurting someone or unwanted drama.

As for my healing today, I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant AND how much I don't want to, I will force myself to see something good lol. So, today I liked how soft my hair felt today, I just washed it yesterday but the conditioner effects last for days. I'm coloring my hair tonight, and the conditioner that comes with it is even better, so I bet tomorrow my hair will be on my like list again aha.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week III - Friday (5/11)
Thought: We divide up tasks in a fair way. Done.
I believe sometimes he takes on more, household wise.
Task: Describe one way you do this on a regular basis.
>> No one ever says NO
He does most of the cooking and we split the cleaning, I handle the kids, bills, paperwork, scheduling, appointments etc., neither of us say "NO" if something needs to get done.
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Thank you, I will definitely try to keep it up!

It's out of character for me, but I have to try something new lol

 

DAY 103:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night we pretty much did a roundup discussion of the night/morning earlier and continued on. It was good, he told me that our discussions actually helped calm/put his mind at ease about a lot of it. He's been feeling really down about it... the part where he thought his progress in recovery and us growing closer was actually making my healing stop/go slowly. He figured if I kept with my plan to just leave him at the end of this and not consider anything else, it would make working on just my self-esteem that much easier. At this point though, it doesn't and wouldn't have made a difference though. So, like I mentioned to him, even if I told him that "100% we are doing this recovery together, talking every night but still splitting in 3 years" I would have still started re-developing an emotional connection because of talking with him, like this (on a deep level) - every night. That's what got us so close, being open, honest, vulnerable - something that has never been a 'thing' for us during this entire marriage. So, the ONLY way I could have tested out his theory of 'healing would be easier without me' would have been to leave back in Jan and I mean out of the house into separate dwellings and cut all ties. But in all honesty, I am OKAY with where I am right now, in this recovery/healing. I've explained this to him. He is not holding me back, I don't feel that he is at all. I am working on myself, slowly and with little steps but I am doing it my way and I know it is not going to be easy, but it NEVER-ever crossed my mind: "oh damn, this would have been easier if I was doing this with an end goal of divorce". I'm doing this for me, with an end goal of getting myself mentally back to where I was circa 2003 - when I could go out, carefree and without looking in the mirror and seeing Ursula in the reflection - for ME and that's the only goal on the horizon. So yea babe, you're not 'in the way' or 'slowing' me down, I'm just moving at my own pace and it's just slow lol.

Today we went to the mall, it wasn't too packed today, shocking for a Saturday. I noticed a few threats, nothing major, not sure if he noticed them too. I actually didn't bother paying attention for some reason, not sure why it's like my mind was elsewhere. Funny thing happened, he told me he liked the way my "ass looked" in the jeans I was wearing, then a few minutes later he asks if I could grab some cash for him out of my wallet for our daughter who wanted to do this VR thing, so I bend over to get it out of the diaper bag and he comes around from behind and props himself against my butt lmao and goes "just in case, so no one looks at your ass". LMAO I cracked up, I gotta admit, that was cute and funny.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and we were initially planning on doing a small little BBQ on the balcony, but it's supposed to be raining all day and chilly, so we may just order in or go out and have lunch somewhere as a family. I've been feeling like a shitty mom the last few months, between the last DDay and through this recovery. Seems like I have been so occupied with all of this stuff, that sometimes I am too distracted, emotional, triggered or just frustrated that I end up snapping at my girls. I definitely feel like I don't deserve any recognition this year, that's for sure. Maybe by next year, once I get more of my shit together, I'll be more deserving of this holiday.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I colored my hair last night, so right now my hair is super silky, soft and smells nice. Which makes me feel purrrddddy!

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DAY 104:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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First of all Happy Mother's Day to all of the mom's out there!~

Last night we both agreed that these long, sometimes painful and continuous discussions have really helped calm our anxiety around this issue. It gave us some resolve and understanding, more perspectives to consider and I don't know about him - but I'm totally happy with where we are right now and where I am, in my healing as well. I told him, "listen, if you'd like to test out your theory of me setting a finite "we are over at the end of this", take a step back on the intimacy and just continue the talks - I can try, if it will help take some pressure/guilt off of you. He immediately said "NO", "after experiencing all this, I don't think I could handle sleeping in the same bed with you and not hugging each other, talking and not caressing anymore, I don't even want to imagine it." So, I told him, well then stop thinking about that then, it is what it is, we are where we are, at this moment and how the timeline has developed for us. We'll see what happens in the future. Now one of his biggest fears is messing up somehow, lying again, doing something to ruin all of this new foundation and trust that we've been building these last few months. It is one of my fears too, time will tell and obviously, it will be a big indicator as to what my next move will be, in regards to our future. I hope though, that through our daily talks, he will be so used to being honest with me, that honesty will be his new second nature with me. If his urge to lie again is strong, I hope his will to fight for me, for our marriage is stronger, but - well, who knows? but he did keep reiterating that he is selfish and he knows the saying "if you love someone, let them go" but he is too selfish and doesn't want to let me go, he wants to fight for me, for us. He said he wants to be the one to make me happy, not have someone else doing it, that was touching Oh and ...

Spoiler: Possible Trigger

while we were in the mind of being, intimate, he looks me in the eyes and says "I don't want anyone else, just you" I don't recall him ever saying anything like that, during THAt before - it was so sweet and definitely caught me by surprise for sure.

Hubby got me a beautiful, easy to use wine bottle opener (because he knows how frustrated I got last time I tried to open a damn bottle lol) and my favorite perfume. He also left me a handwritten note as well, that was very sweet - the third time in three months, a record! I wanted to go for a quick walk today when the hubby woke up, but of course, the weather was shit (cold & rain). We ended up heading back home, ordering in and having lunch with the family - us four and my parents. We got Chinese food (meal of champions LOL) and my fortune's from my fortune cookies were quite relatable, ironic and well interesting to say the least... "Pick a path with heart" & "No man is free who is not master of himself" & Real courage is moving forward when the outcome is uncertain". Crazy, right?

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The way I came out on a 'selfie' with my daughter yesterday, I uploaded it to Facebook and got a few likes, so when I clicked on the notification the photo popped up and I actually thought "I actually came out nice on this one".

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DAY 105:

DAILY GOALS MET:

• My husband has been honest with me about his urges/triggers/ogling...
• Verbalize my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband.
• Work on my healing, betrayal trauma.
  
• Daily talk with my husband.

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Last night, we continued on the topics of the days/night prior, also some small talk about massages, annoyances, life and then cuddled. Then he left for work. I took some NyQuil so I could pass out earlier and sleep. As I was dozing off, some thoughts were passing through my mind about our talks and my healing etc. But I don't recall what, I guess cause I ended up passing out rather quickly.

This morning we walked quickly because he had to go to sleep, we had a Pokemon Go event (raid) to attend in the evening, so he needed to wake up earlier for that LOL but anyway. We talked about my night, that I actually slept last night (a miracle). He said he noticed a cute girl by Starbucks at work, someone he would have definitely ogled before but he kept it at shoulder level. I didn't ask him how long he looked at her though, but it seems like he looked at her for a while because he mentioned seeing her a few times, so I don't know - maybe he kept looking back at her? maybe I'll ask him later, maybe not, I don't know if I want to know really. Other than that, he said he had no other 'incidents', just boring work stuff. He found some time to answer some people on NF and then tried to take a nap before heading home. Then after the raid, we took our 3 year old out, we walked again... I tried to strike up a convo here and there but he didn't seem like he wanted to talk much, so I just stopped talking and we just finished walking and went home.

Earlier in the day I was reading around on the forums and came across a post that got me thinking... something I never asked for it or even thought about it, until seeing the post, but I don't recall him ever trying to 'save' or 'salvage' my self-esteem [after ogling and being called out] by telling me something like: "Okay yea, I did notice her butt, but I still prefer yours, baby," or "Yes, she has a cute face, but it doesn't compare to yours, you have the most beautiful...___", even if he didn't mean a word of it, but just make me feel a little better at the time - but nope, never. He just always glared, stared and adored other women... as I watched on, like some pathetic loser. Sometimes I think, what was wrong with me, that I stayed so loyal to him all those years??? I don't mean physically, even if only with my eyes - like, I should have been ogling around too, I sure as hell could have been, would he even notice? would he even care? would it hurt him? the sad thing is - I doubt it. I wonder though, it's been so long for me, I've had my 'other men' blinders on (ogle radar has been off) how do I even begin to turn it back on if I'll need to? because like it or not [he doesn't want to think about it at the moment lol] but I might be single in two years and I wouldn't even know where to start anymore, dating "men" in 2020 sounds scary as fuck.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I fit back into one of my tees from over a decade ago and it actually looked nice, I was happy aha.

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Mini project for the hubby and I - that we will be sharing in our NoFap journals.
A Seven-Week Course In Fondness And Admiration
___ Week IV - Monday (5/14)
Thought: We are able to plan well and have a sense of control over our lives together. Done.
I think: yes, we are actually pretty good at planning stuff together.
Task: Describe one thing that you both planned together.
>> Our Wedding
Ironically, our wedding was one of the best things we've planned together. We did everything together, from the flowers, cake, to the venue. We wanted everything to be nice but on a good budget as well, so who better to keep it all under control, then us?
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LOL I hope so.