Looking to start a group for husbands trying to be worthy of your wife's trust again

I am pretty new to this as well. Its been 17 days since my wife caught me with porn...again. This time i realized I have a real problem. I have been with my wife for 12 years and when I really look back I have had a problem with porn even longer than that. I think it's great that you are making changes and trying to stop PMO. I was not able to admit it to myself until my wife pointed out that Porn and Masturbation were keeping me from my family. It has been a very hard couple of weeks. My wife is still on the fence about leaving me and that has been the toughest part. Just knowing that I let her and my children down. All in all I am glad my wife knows. Hiding this from her just made it way to easy to lie. I don't feel like I am really in a place to give advice but I know that honesty really seems to be working for me. I am also doing this because I want to be a better man for myself as well as my family. I would just say make sure you are doing this for the right reason. Anytime I tried to quit porn for someone else, I always failed. This time I am doing it for me first and I also know that it will benefit my family. I don't know you and I don't know your wife and what kind of relationship you have but my wife told me that what hurt her more than the fact that I was watching porn is the fact that I lied to her and hid so much from her. Your situation is certainly different than mine, just as anyone on this site is in a different situation but I have made the decision from now on not to keep anything from my wife even if it hurts. If I slip up with PMO she will know shortly after. I certainly hope I am strong enough to keep any slip ups from happening but I now know that hiding it from her will only lead me back to the man I no longer wish to be. My only real advice would be that you continue to visit the site daily and read about others experiences. Reading these posts from others has given me hope that I can succeed. I wish you luck.

 

Hi @TryingHard2Change . I've been in relationship for nearly 3 years but not married. Have used P for more than half of my life. Convinced myself it wasn't an issue for most of that time. Committing to nofap has opened my eyes in so far as i need to skill up in our relationship. I 'd like to contribute any reading and/or advice that i find useful and would find others experiences reassuring and helpful from a group dedicated to that.
I did do something that i regret and am in the process of rebuilding trust with gf.

 

Had one hell of a weekend with starting Nofap last Friday and feeling a lot better about myself but with an open eye that this journey is going to take some time, getting really good encouragement from reading the group messages on here from you all. For so many years you think that it is only you who are doing these things and being so secretive about PMO but then realize that so many people out there are going through the exact same experience but personal situations being a little different. Had a sobering experience this weekend though when I found Porn on my 15 year old son's phone and laptop and totally flipped my lid, don't know how long he has been doing this but my first reaction was to think he is going to end up going down the same road as me and ending up normalizing it.

Has anyone gone through the same experience?

 

I have not had any experience with my son watching porn (he is a toddler) but I have played that tape in my head many times and have wondered what I would do if he ever got caught up in Porn. It scares me to think that he will come across porn in his teen years.

Here is my opinion on it though, just thoughts - as his parent you have an obligation to warn him of the consequences of continued use of porn/masturbating.

I agree with you about feeling like you are the only one hiding these secrets. The more I open up about my story the more I realize it is very similar to everyone's here, just the details are different.

Hope you are able to find peace in this difficult time.

 

Last night and today have been rough. My wife is throwing around the D word again and I don't know what to do. Nothing new has happened she just thought about something differently and is very upset about it. I have told her everything I can think of when it come to my PMO issues but there are just somethings that she thinks about differently. And that's fair. I cant possibly imagine how she feels or in which way I hurt her. I just know that I am sorry and I hope some day she can accept that. I think staying together is the best thing for my family but maybe splitting up would be the best thing for her. I don't want to get divorced but i do want her to be happy. I am just hoping that she will find that it is possible to be happy with the new me.

 

Thanks TryingHard2Change, It is really good to hear from someone who has been through this. I am doing exactly what you say. Pushing through the pain and trying not to succumb to it. I am also trying to do all the things I haven't been doing over the last several years. Showing her that I am putting this family first. I will continue these actions until she starts to see the man that I know I can be.

 

Keep it up MovingForward86. Being the man you know you can be (the actions...the day2day) is the focus. Today focus is on Today. When tomorrow becomes today, then focus on tomorrow. Touch your SO, tell your SO they're amazing, give your SO a gift worth nothing in $ but everything in your heart. Be everything to her rather than something to everyone. Just one small thing today for her and for yourself.

 

Had a pretty tough couple of days with plenty going on in the personal life which has taken my mind totally off PM, the issues my wife and I are facing which is nothing to do with PMO are detracting the thoughts of any personal contact at the moment which may be a blessing in disguise. was dreading the thought of being back in the office today where if honest I do most of my PMO in the toilets but not had the urge or thoughts to do it, when out on the road don't have much time to think about those types of things.

 

My pattern was the same as you @Valleyram. What are some strategies you're using to combat the habits you've formed while in the office?

 

I just want to say how much it helps to have the support here on NoFap. I know everyone in this thread is going through something similar but during the day it becomes so easy to feel alone. Of course for me feeling alone brings on urges and the stress with my home life is also creating urges. But despite all that I can get through the day look at my family and know why i'm doing this. Then I look here on NoFap and see everyone's posts and know I am not alone in this fight.

 

Just getting stuck into plenty of work and reading the threads on here for motivation, obviously there are times when the quick sneak to the toilets goes through your mind but when these occur I either start reading posts or sit and send my wife a text instead. I suppose i'm putting my wife in the forefront of my mind and not letting P overcloud my judgment.

Not saying for one minute that it is easy but with the will power and determination we can all achieve this life without PM.

 

@Valleyram
I know how you feel. There are those thoughts that go through your head. Your start to rationalize your thinking. "I'm doing so well. What could one time hurt?" I distract myself with whatever I can. If i'm at home, I start doing a chore. Folding clothes is easy and there are plenty of clothes to fold all the time considering there are 5 people in my house. When I am at work I go and talk to managers around my office and make sure everyone knows who I am. I try to be constructive instead of destructive. And your right. It is definitely not easy but all though all of our situations are a bit different we still have one thing in common. We all do this one day at a time. Just keep fighting and keep moving forward.

 

@Valleyram. My strategies are similar, and the common theme is to keep active and stay away as best you can from isolation. I think I read somewhere that addiction is the opposite of connection. We need to reconnect.

 

I had a date night tonight with my wife. It went great. We both had a good time and reconnected. I am sure there are still more rough days ahead but a night like this will help me remember what my goals are.

 

After 1st DDAY , it came up on my software . Thank god it had a time stamp , I was both relieved and worried at the same time . Worried that my SO was into the rabbit hole again . Relieved that it was my 13 year old and that I could set him straight when he was young . He lied to my face even though it was time stamped and I KNEW he was the only one home . My hubs went for a ride with him , he lied to him . Later that night I sat quietly with him and just waited , waited for him to come clean . He did . I mostly spoke about porn is not real , porn is not love , porn is prostitution, the woman are paid actors just like a movie and DONT ever expect a girl to do HALF the things you saw ! He’s 19 now , we talk a Lil bit about it here and there . But he’s 19 , my children don’t know my SO is a PA , but def felt changes in us after 2nd DDAY 12/22/17 .

 

I had a great weekend. My wife and I spent a lot of time together. We had some tough talks but I feel closer to her for it. We are both having a hard time here and there but I feel like having good days like this in the first month are very helpful. Today marked 25 days since my last PMO when my wife caught me and I came to realize the Hell I had put myself and my family in. 23 days since I have joined NoFap and 20 days in my 90 day challenge. I am feeling very clear headed, clearer than I have fore years and I get a little clearer every day. Since I started masturbating I can say I have never gone this long without M. I am pretty sure that I have gone this long before without P but I can't be positive. All I know is that my family and I are seeing changes in me, and in each other. I suppose in my frustration and shame during PMO use I had made myself less approachable. My children wouldn't come to me when they got hurt and my youngest daughter was having behavioral issues out of no where. For the most part my son who just turned 3 didnt want anything to do with me. Since I quit PMO my children's attitude toward me has changed drastically. My oldest daughter just seems happier. My youngest daughters issues have almost disappeared completely and My son is constantly asking me to play with him. My wife has noticed these changes and can see that I am really trying. I have seen her smiling more and laughing more. These are the reasons I know I will never go back to PMO. I am ashamed that I ever put my family through that and will never do that to them again.

 

I find the more important thing for me is that I seem to be reconnecting back with my wife on so many levels, example; Just laid down in bed with her last night and cuddled up and watched TV where previously I would have been thinking how can I initiate some sort of action. mind blowing really what effect PMO does have on your unconscious mind!

 

Very true my friend, stay positive and keep it in your mind what we are all trying to achieve here.

 

Yes it's a long hard struggle which you don't want your children going through, taken all my sons mobile devices from him and placed filters on what I can before trusting him again. had the conversations like you in relation to it not being real but ironically I thought that I wasn't being totally truthful as I have been viewing it for years. Day 11 and feeling great though as my relationship with my wife seems to be blossoming even with the stresses of external life, thoughts of P are being replaced with thoughts of love and cuddles with my wife which was my big problem as all I wanted to do was play out what I had seen.