Virginity in 30s

I naturally gravitated to this thread for obvious reasons... Having turned 29 a little over a month ago my first thought was "I want to not be a virgin by this time next year" but I'm fully aware of my issues with my approach to girls, my attitude towards sex etc and am working to fix them, starting with some exercise, some diet, then, bizarrely with NoFap. Next up is proper exercise, and proper diet then who knows?

I'm not defined by the fact that I'm a virgin at 29, but it did/does bother me enough that I want to change, we'll see how it goes.

 

If you are like me, you'll probably look back and laugh at how much weight you placed on being a virgin once you lose it. It really is a near meaningless title. I used to think losing my virginity would make me so much happier and alleviate any depression, to which it may have done for perhaps a day or two, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing.

If I could go back and tell the younger me what I have now, I know he'd assume I must be so happy and doing great, but I still generally feel pretty terrible when I'm not distracting myself by working out at the gym or figuring out a solution to a problem at work.

Worrying about meeting women and having sex are mostly pointless. Working on yourself and your life are by far the most important things you can do. Women and sex will come when you build yourself up.

Just know that meeting a woman and having sex will not make you whole. Working on yourself and your life and establishing meaningful relationships are key.

 

Im 33 years old virgin. Always been a loner lived out in the wilderness my entire life, never had a girlfriend never had more then one real friend, during school I had girls that where interested in me but I never returned that interest cause of how I was feeling at the time, cause suffering form major depression and anxiety for not fitting in to the norm. My biggest regret in it was this girl in my class beautiful kindhearted person who I loved a lot she was the only real friend I ever had, and I later found out that she loved me but I was too depressed to notice. She is still beautiful but she is married and have children and I wish her the best, just the regret knowing that I could have had a chance of getting my now life dream of having a family. As I live out in the wilderness where there are no people I spend my days alone, I watch tv and movies alone, I go to an empty bed every night alone, it can wear you down.

For anyone who reads this don't give up, I have not I know its hard and weird to try and get a normal relationship when you never had one, but the main reason for me quitting porn is cause with PMO that would have been even more impossible, but without PMO it is totally possible and I will not give up, if its the last thing I do I will have my own family cause I want nothing more, having sex with a woman is not my motivation, getting a partner for life is.

So no matter how old you are it is just a number, start learning and don't give up cause It is never too late!

 

I need advice to but it's cool to be a virgin most people that had sex wish that they were still virgin

 

Pat-rick!!!

I understand the feeling. I am 25 and a virgin but I am happy about it. I joke around with my friends and co-workers about how i want to be a wizard (there is a legend on the Internet that if you make it till 30 without having sex you becomes a wizard). I say that jokingly because they do mot understand why i don’t have sex.

Gonna be honest, for the longest time I couldn't have had sex even if i wanted too. I was really desperate for any girl who would come and let me have sex with her. But over time i had to understand that i actually had a self worth problem. I didn’t see myself as worth anything, and just wanted to have sex, or be loved… whatever i could get.

However times changed. I have lesrned through many ways how i am worth something. I really see now that i don’t want to have sex just for the sake of it, i do want to wait for when it matters. i have had a girlfriend for a yearish now and we have not had sex. I told myself that i want to wait till marriage because i don’t want to have sex with many people. I feel now i am worth something and i also want to remember that the girl is also worth something.

The porn had really gotten me to a point where i thought about girls just as objects, and it took me YEARS to admit that to myself. I kept telling myself that wasnt the case but when the truth sunk in, it hurt.

So first man i would say, really try your best to get the porn out of your life. Its gonna suck for a whileeeeeee but you can do it man. We are all here for your support, so please stay active in the community!

Stay strong man,


- The Dustbin


And sorry man.... your name set me up for this....

 

I agree. Personally one night stands are kind of pornish. In porn it's all about performance and the same could be said about ONS. The idea that there's no room for failure is absurd but that's what you get in ONS, better to have sex in a loving relationship where there's room for failure. I think it's better to really get to know a womans mind before you get to know her body.

I don't think that's true. From what I know that's how men think, not women. And anyway can you really have intimacy without being vulnerable? Who is going to be completely vulnerable on by their 3rd date? IDK maybe you're not even talking about actual intimacy, maybe you're just talking about physical intimacy; but physical intimacy doesn't mean complete intimacy.

According to one of the worlds leading psychotherapists intimacy can decrease desire and without desire sex doesn't happen.

She talks about it here:


And here:

If I could dislike this comment I would. I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. If your dream girl can't accept you're a virgin then maybe she isn't actually your dream girl. The message behind what you're saying seems to be don't be yourself with women because they will never accept you. Why would would anyone be with someone who's always putting on a show? Who would want to be with someone who doesn't accept you?

 

Have you thought of moving elsewhere?

 

Yea im going to apply to a goldsmith school, so ill be moving if I get accepted of course, cant apply until April 15th saving up money until then.

 

Very exciting! Go for it man.

 

There is a difference between "thinking" and "knowing" it. Men might think this and women might think otherwise, but the reality is unless sex happens, there is little intimacy, physical or emotional or otherwise.

Men actually think the opposite. Men want affection from women. A lot of us here do. Yet affection does not occur without sex.

This is why the friend zone exists and your crush tends to crush you.

Esther pearl talks in the context of marriage. Not what I'm talking about here when I addressed in my original post.

And yes, you can have intimacy without vulnerability.

"be yourself" is the worst advice on the planet.

Just pointing it out there

 

Good luck living in la la land bro

 

Yes and No

If you, subjectivley are a loser, then no don't "be yourself"

Be the best version of yourself, which = get off your ass and make SERIOUS changes

I agree with you in general though, some people need to get real, many of us on here have "been ourselves" for 25+ years and it's gotten us nowhere.

 

Yep, and being fake is awesome advice!

 

It's been over 10 years since i've had sex and i've only ever done it with one person which was my then girlfriend. She asked me out which is not normal but these days at 34 I really struggle to even meet women and flirting, don't even know where to start. I've socialised with lots of women in the past at work etc but i've never been able to get out of the notorious 'Friend Zone' I often get the feeling if I ask them out they see it like 'OMG the wierd quiet guy is asking me out, how do i say no' or it's like their brother or cousin has asked them out, not really sure how to describe it. Then there's that line isn't there, between being a nice decent guy and being too forward, if you're too forward you run the risk of being a 'sexual harrasser' but if you're too nice you will probably spend the rest of your life living alone and wondering what would have happened if I asked this person or that person out? There are women who like men that are direct and get to the point and there are some who want to play the waiting game but how do you know. I would sooner do a masters degree in quantum physics than understand how dating works

 

man - anxiety + woman = date

date + woman / conversation = more dates

More dates + confidence = sex

Sex + woman = fun

Trust + Commitment = Marriage

Marriage + porn = divorce

Divorce + man = anxiety

 

Love this math, @thorswrath32 !

You're ending a little cliffhanging into dread, though.

man - porn = integrity
integrity + wife = fulfillment
husband / trust + wife / affection = forever

 

You're not alone my friend. I turn 40 soon and I am still a Virgin as well.

 

Or you can just ask them out in a polite manner and see what happens? You seem to care a lot about what other people think of you and you imagine them thinking these things without giving them the chance to make up their own mind about you. You have nothing to lose by asking them out so why are you holding onto your big pile of precious nothing as if you have something to lose?

 

I guess this is an appropriate place for my first post. I'm also a virgin at age 27. Porn has definitely contributed to it. I've been making the effort to cut it out, and so here I am, signed up on nofap. My attempts at dating so far have failed, but I only recently started making a concentrated effort and I'm casting my net wide. Easier said then done, but don't give up! And focus on building a real connection. While I haven't had sex, I instinctively know it's only going to be meaningful if the person you do it with is important to you. This might all be self-evident to most, but it's taken me a long time to truly realize it.

 

The things we call self-evident and "natural" are quite often dificult to really understand. people repeat them, without meaning it. Thats why it feels as if everyone allready understood what we just realized after long times of "ignorance". But dont worry they didnt, they only "talk" ;-)

And generally spoken: i do think that most guys lie to themselves that say "im a virgin with 35 but its ok". Why do i think it? because they write it. Get a life! you wouldnt mention it on internetboards if it wouldnt be a topic in your head!!! I have news for you: its not ok. And you do know it allready, and you make it worse with this wanna-be-forgiving-attitude. I dont say this to bother people that sound like this, my intention is the oposite. Accept that you actually DONT accept yoruself for good reason!!! You wanna fuck!!! you want love!!!! And it hurts that it didnt happen. We aint pure individuals, we`re social beings, we have the norms in our heads... we`re supposed to have relationsships and sex in our age, and so we should try it.
And this is the next news: you didnt try enough. No i dont know you, but im sure you didnt. Trying isnt using tinder. trying isnt making ten situps each day or reading pickup artists bullshit, its not buying new clothes.... being attractive means far far far far more. People that is attractive is it because of their whole life. If we change her and there a little detail we maybe do a first stop. Ok. But in the end it is about fundamental decisions. Your Job. Where you live, what you believe etc pp. You have to reinvent yourself completely. Not just tinker a bit. You have to do things you NEVER have done ...

That's the truth - no matter how exaggerated it sounds. Cancel your work, move 500 kilometers away ... Live your dreams, you wanted to be a firefighter, then become it. You wanna live on an island, do it. move your ass, do the impossible, never realized this makes you sexy like hell?

When i look at most guys in my circle of friends that have had such issues i can assure you they all said they`re trying hard. They didnt. sorry, its like this. Only because it did allready hurt it doesnt mean it was enough ;-)