The lonely wife of PA spouse

sorry, i haven't done any work books, journaling here is the most i would say work book type thing i do 8) i also would recommend How can I forgive you, it is written for both addict and SO so your hubby can read it too. and i also read addict in the family. very helpful if you can understand what runs through the addicted mind, might help any anger and resentment you have.

 

He doesn't want to acknowledge the betrayal because he doesn't want to think that of himself, doesn't want to accept the consequences, and doesn't want to believe he's hurt you that deeply.

 

most addicts have dual addictions because once they can not achieve the same high from one, they switch to the other and back and forth. its a disease that will and want can not cure. only true submission and admission and that for some means rock bottom. ever hear the constant saying "addicts need to hit rock bottom" its not just a saying, its very true. I dont doubt he loves you and his family but when in addiction his first love to cope with his self hate and mental issues is currently porn. he most likely doesnt feel good about himself and all the affection you give him probably brings more guilt because he knows he is lying to protect his drug and can not stop, its a cycle of self loathing, hate, using to drown away the feelings then the high runs out and the go back in the circle. Treatment for his dopamine addiction is the only way to break the cycle or he will never feel right, mentally and physically and all the love you have for him and him for you will not release that terible feeling in him. he needs to learn to deal with his feelings, face them, not drown them out with porn or alcohol. . my ex has pain med, porn and prostitution addictions. think of it, he started in youth with drugs and escalated to porn and then went to prostitutes, what is next without recovery? i have no idea but im not going to find out by sticking around to guve him more chances. . and yes, they all think they can stop, every single addict, hows that working for him the past year? ask him that. he gave up alcohol for porn, is that better? and so now that he has pied he has realized its a problem? so what happens when the pied goes away, will he go back? love for ones family is not the cure to addiction, love for oneself is. addicts all have a flawed perception, they live in a fog, until they are clean for a good period of time to rewire its very hard to believe anything they say, even if with their wholehearts they truly "mean to get better and not want to hurt you". they do because they need the dopamine to feel right, to help them forget the lies and deception and heartbreak they've caused. Another thing, my ex mentioned he got into porn, for the very same reasons you mentioned (as well as having had sex abuse in youth) you can't tell a porn addict by looking at them, its something easily accessible anywhere and free and anonymous, it also allowed him to functioning at work because he wasnt stumbling over from drugs or alcohol, instead he messed up his emotional and personal life 8(.. porn/prostituion is so easily accesible it makes it harder for an addict to stop this type addiction. its not like with drugs you need to go to a dealer or alcohol you go to the liquor store, with porn you can pull up on your phone while using the john or get turned on by the weather woman 8(

 

omg, same thing with me when this all started, my pants were falling off! i started to force myself to eat cookies at night, lol. funny but not funny. take care if yourself, your health, your beauty. once you start focusing on him and let him be responsible for himself, you will feel empowered. if he knows you are his fall back person, he will play that game until YOU'VE finally had enough, how much will enough be? .. I think you made a smart decision with 6 mos seperation to see what he does, i can understand not being ready to give up completely but do not be his run to person, you are not his therapist, counselor, secretary, booty call, sex toy or sober coach. let him make the effort to figure out how to get better and what he needs to do, it then crosses the line to enabling which you already tried to do this past year. i say anything is worth giving a try but if it didnt work the first time, be weary it probably is not going to work 2nd time. you know the saying, you cant get different result doing the same things. good luck, yiousound stronger today and im happy for you, as a mom you should not have this burden on your shoulders, your husband is a grown man, but your kuds are children who need you. take care of you so you can be there for them and for your own future. . much hugs and strength!

 

YES

 

I'm very sorry you are feeling horrible today, and i'm sorry to say but it will be that way for a long time so please continue to come here or find other resources of support, it does help and ease some of the desperation and sadness you may feel, most likely feeling ugly, low self esteem because YOU were triggered by other women as he might have been.
This was part of the problem for me, i started to not want to go out in public with my ex, passing scantily clad women or women in general that would "trigger" him made things very awkward, I would find my blood boiling as well as feel so low about myself, Now that I am able to educate myself on the addiction it has helped me cope with what he did that hurt me. I'm sure you know for porn/sex addicts your beauty has nothing to do with why they are addicted to watching other people sexualy. They have desensitized themselves to need constant and different "visual stimulation" and no matter how beautiful you were this would be the same result because he is sick. I know this is all like blah blah blah... but it is the truth. You see some of these famous guys cheat on their drop dead, good wives and it is like, WHAT?..... Tiger woods is a good example and look at the person Arnold Schwarzenegger had his love child with? not to put her down but basically, when you have sex issues, a body is a body and if you are craving for the dopamine, the same way heroine and crack addicts do, (this was noted in scientific studies btw that dopamine reward from watching porn shows the same way as drug users reward center), In other words, this is not about you, this is about what is wrong with him and his issues. He has chosen to use porn/sex to cope with it.
I think at this juncture what you said is very important, Can you live this way for the rest of your life? even with recovery, there may be relapse and he may not, but do you still love him enough and think you can truly forgive him or trust him again? Is it worth what you are going through? Only you know that. For me, i had no children with my ex, no entanglements, no financial dependency, etc.. although my son did come to really love him which was very hard but luckily my son has taken it well and mostly due to not really seeing my ex often. Aside from that, i realized that this disease had effected me to the point where i began to feel dettached and disgusted by me ex, knowing that he slept with prostitutes or that he was gawking at other women, even if it is a disease, for me it is something i cant' just "get over". It's not like being a drug addict or alcohol where you can atleast tell that they are recovered or not, in sex addiction you never know the truth because it is so easily hidden. Until they get pied, financial issues, disease, etc.... And i asked myself, Is this relationship worth that risk? Can i raise my child as good as I should with this burden every day of focusing on his recovery? Can i live wondering if he's watching porn at work or when he's out getting a car wash? He hid this so well for over half a year while we were dating, it was only when he moved in that the behavioral changes started to show, and this was because he couldn't get his "fix" as often as he had been while living by himself. I also asked myself and you should too, What are you getting out of this relationship that is making you stay? does he make you happy in all other aspects? is he a great dad? is he a good provider? Is he someone you can trust wont just dump you down the road for another woman? Addicts tend to lack integrity and honesty, they often time chose their drug over their families, etc... and it is because they seek the dopamine and are still in the trance.
I know that for myself, I deserve more and my son does too. I deserve to be with someone who can make me happy and positive, that will make life easier, not harder. No relationships are without issues but this is more then just an issue. As you think about the future, I ask you to think about yourself first because time is not on our sides and as we suffer the burdens and traumas of what they have done to us, it is taking parts of your life away from you. For me, to feel like I could only exist with my ex inside our apt was the end of it. Even if he were to go to recovery, can i ever trust that he won't fall off that wagon, when more feelings, finances, family, investments and entanglements are built? Also, first and foremost, i thought about my son, how i was becoming so emotionally distant and upset at things and could not be the best i want to be for him. If you can not be the best for you or for your children, you need to ask if you honestly can live in this manner not only while your ex tries to recover, which someone said could be up to 3 years, but also thereafter?
I dont want to make it sound like i'm pushing you to go, i just want you to be aware of what i became aware of after having wasted over a year of my life and so i wanted to share with you because the things you have written here sound like the same exact steps i went through and i wished someone would've given me some of this advice.
And for everyone it is different, that was why i asked you what has he done that is different in his promise to get help from over a year ago that makes you want to give it ANOTHER try? Your choice to separate temporarily is not only healthy for him but more importantly for you. I hope that it will help you on this path to your recovery, the more you educate yourself and take care of yourself, the stronger you will become, you can't do that if the disease is sitting in your kitchen staring you in the face and making you not move forward.

 

I totally understand you as I am going through this too. I also understand the fear. You are being asked to place your trust in someone who has done nothing but lied to you for years and if you want to stay with him you have no choice and no control. It sucks so bad. I do recommend counseling and checking in daily with him. He needs to answer whatever questions you have without a fight no matter how many times you need to hear them if there is any hope that you will rebuild. And you need to ask what you need to know. Nothing you can do will make him stay clean Or use again. Trying to feel as if we have some control is often a defense mechanism. But it makes things worse as we blame ourselves if they fail. And sometimes they blame us too. We also need to find support from other places as an addict particularly one in early recovery can't be that for us.

 

Btw, this might be out of context but did you watch Bad Moms? I recommend it. It was kindof encouraging, even if its only a movie but it may lighten up yiur views to yiur future. Think of the key word here YOUR future. We are treated the way we allow,someine to treat us and are responsible for our choices too. Get yiur support group together and start taking care of yourself instead of him.

 

Objectophelia. It's a thing.
Being sexually attracted to inanimate objects
You mean like that?

 

I've heard of being in love with a refrigerator and a building, sure.
But, um
....
What is he in love with?
If I may ask?
This is very rare.
Also, having overlapping conditions is difficult.
So is he a PA and a objectophelia or a SA and a objectophelia?
Cuz to be all three is even more strange... To find P in his category.... When he could just have his... Object.... Well....?
It depends on what it is.
I've dealt with some strange stuff in my day.
Like a guy who was having S with a tree.
But actually that's a whole Different S thing.
Fetishes.
They get intense.
Let me know if I can help you with anything else.
Good luck.