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The lonely wife of PA spouse

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Eve26, Jun 7, 2017.

  1. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    He was shocked with my sexuality. Why do guys think us girls don't have desires and know how to have actual sex. Shitty sex over the last 9 years was because of HIM. Not because of me. It was a relief to me because I thought he killed that side of me. I had not been able to O on him ever until now. Was nice wanting him and I came to him for more last night. ;) I was questioning myself even though I never had issues in that area before him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2017
    Kenzi likes this.
  2. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    You know it's crazy, this sex addiction shi* has killed my desire and self esteem too and I'm glad you got your mojo back and know it's not you!. And really, I don't trust men anymore but it's only been 3 mos of freedom so I have to give myself more time to desire anyone. I just feel so duped by my ex sociopath, to know people can say anything without guilt or conscience is scary. I thought I knew who he was, I entrusted him with my body, my safety, my secrets and all along he just wanted sex in any form, porn, innocent women, like a predator, makes me sick and gives strength to move on. 8 ( how does one go on believing in the next person?. The therapist said some things that hit a note, one being just wait to have sex if i feel weary of it and its true, i rather wait next time then have to have sex with an unready mind. Sad that his addiction screwed me this way but I Will take the lessons from it and make myself stronger and better for someone deserving.
    Ps, ofcourse we are able to have good sex, they just forget because they were stuck to a screen watching various women do various degrading acts to the point they forgot what the hell real and normal sex is. It's not just watching a women be degraded in various forms, it's not changing partners like changing your meals daily. We are not food to be consumed for entertainment. Sex without intimacy is like jerking off basically if you ask me, if you have no feelings or emotions behind it they are really just a prop to get your dopamine. I'm sure when you first were dating, in the honeymoon stages, he enjoyed the sex as much, it's not you that has the problem, it's his desensitization, remember that.
     
  3. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunate but no. We never had a honeymoon stage because of his PIED. Sex was always a struggle, frustrating, forced and anything but natural to me. Nothing satisfied him more then his porn apparently.
     
  4. I was reading your thread this morning and a lot of it hit home. I will try to explain his side for some of it but ultimately there are no excuses. First a lot of times when a guy is masturbating frequently and excessively he puts his wife up on a pedestal. Because of the things that we think about while we are masturbating we don't want to ask our spouse to do feeling it would be degrading. So him not opening up completely about what he's thinking while he masturbates has a lot to do with shame. And the thought that he will be less of a person if you know what was going through his mind that makes him masturbate. He views you not in the way that he views the ones he sees in pornography. He wants to keep you not like them. And so he feels he can't share completely.

    When my wife and I finally had a complete and honest discussion about pmo it was very embarrassing. But enlightening. At first it was hard for her because she would say is that a trigger is that a trigger let's go away so you don't do this let's go AC don't do that and it made me feel much less a man. But as we got into our intimacy and were able to communicate more fully it definitely changed between her and I. It was so humiliating when I finally told her what I thought about as I masturbated. She couldn't understand it and thought that it was terrible. I had reduced in her eyes significantly. So his reluctance on that part is understandable. You have to be able to try and explain to him what it means to you as well.

    Did he come to you and ask for your help or did you discover that he was pmo on your own? Sometimes we think we can do it on our own but it is much easier when I have my partner by my side helping me to control the urges. For my wife it wasn't the fact that I was masturbating it was the content that aroused me that she could not understand.

    I encourage you to keep trying and work on the relationship realizing that you will have questions about him his faithfulness his attractions the type of pornography that he watches how often he masturbates you will have all kinds of feelings. Those are all normal and Justified. He will have to understand that you are going to be that way as well. But more than anything I encourage you to ask him specific questions like what arouses you why are you looking at this particular type when do you feel the need to masturbate be specific so that you can understand his feelings and triggers. I don't think you'll ever understand his desire to masturbate looking at pornography rather than making love to you but you can go on and have a better sex life than you ever had before.
     
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  5. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Mike Palmer for giving us the other sides view. I agree with what you said about shame and fear of admitting to what the addiction is or how far it has gotten. But, the addict really needs to understand that their shame and embarrassment should now become second place to their betrayed wives Need to understand and try to recover this life which has now become a lie in her eyes, but I get it.
    I'm glad you were able to work it out with your wife and instead of fleeing she tried to be supportive but that can both be a good or bad thing dependent on the addict. Sometimes the support turns to enabling. How is she dealing these days, is it awkward when you go out? Do you find yourself objectifying even if you don't want to? For my ex and I that was one of the main deciding factors on if we could recover. I felt no joy going out with him, (he knew I knew, it became awkward and stressful pretending not to acknowledge the elephant in the room) fearing when we ran across women who seemed like the type he watched in porn or visited in parlors, it created a sad, fake existence between us. I would feel sick and get angry driving pass a parlor or if we saw a scantily clad woman I'd get angry inside knowing that he is objectifying no matter how much he tried to make it not apparent, once you reach to a certain point where enough time and chances are given and you feel your partner is not being forthcoming, no matter how ashamed, embarrassed it is, it makes you feel it's still lies. it's time to let go before it becomes hateful and bitter and destructive to either of us. It doesn't matter if he's not intimately in love with these women, it's about disrespecting and hurting the person you love, and you wouldn't want those things to happen to you.
    I hope that things are going well for you, it sounds as though you've reached the point of understanding the highs and lows of what she may feel or how she may act. Try to be as understanding and committed to her recovery as you would want her to fir you too. Good luck and thx again for some insights.
     
  6. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your input and advice!! I am so confused about it all that it is nice to hear another PA perspective. I did the research on PA, PIED after catching him several times with empty promises to stop then after 9 years he yelled out I've been looking at porn in a long arguement we were having about lack of sex. he told me he couldn't stop this time. All the question you have mentioned has been asked multiple times because I sense the dishonesty. Only to find after asking it again 10x he reveals more. He just says what ever he searched for aroused him. Says he doesn't think anything about anything except just what hes seeing. No thoughts about it in his mind at all, all visual. He's constantly lies about the frequency. Constantly lied about the content. Constantly lied about all of it. He now says he has fully come clean through bits and pieces of information. But willingly lied to me for the past 8 weeks to minimize it and hope it would all just go away. I don't believe he's even fully disclosed everything. Everything seems to change daily. Each lie pushed the daggar deeper and deeper into my heart. I keep think making 2 steps forward then thrown back to ground zero again over and over.

    How long does it take for a PA that is in recovery stop lying?
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2017
  7. You are so right and there definitely comes a time where a wife had to step out and take care of herself. Religiously she is right to do so, emotionally she is right and she needs to take care of her physical and mental health. I have seen co dependants and it never ends well for either of them.

    I am committed to her recovery and thankful she is with mine. For us it wasn't about that type of porn where I would see triggers on the street or constantly so that dud help allot. I can see how you would feel mad and angry (rightfully so) especially if he continue to fantasize even if not looking at porn.

    We had some realities that changed our situation but I appreciate that you tried to work it out with him. It was not your failure but his.
     
  8. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    I decided to make a full break from my husband until he can stop playing his head games. We went to marriage counselor 2 times and on the second visit concselor said there's no point to marriage counseling, just a waste of time now. It's been only since last Thursday and unfortunately talking to him on the phone more then I should but have not seen him at all except quick exchange of our son. The constant lies has put me even further down and constant manipulation is killing me. I don't know what else to do but cut him loose and hope he gets better.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
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  9. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    If this is most healthy for you you should do it and concentrate on yourself and son now. There's only so long you can draw things out, if you feel you absolutely have done all you can, you will be more at ease, even though the pain is still there. I truly think for different people recovery comes differently, he may need to be set free to see the real picture and he can't if you are still there. I'm so sorry it's come to this point, come here for support, reach out to a friend and family if you can. Start going back to the things you enjoyed doing before his addiction consumed you. With more time passed you can heal your wound and get stronger. Read and journal a lot, it's helped me understand I need to take care of me and that's not what I've been doing.
     
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  10. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    Watched the movie War Room last night. If you have not seen it I highly recommend it!! After watching it and much thinking and emotions. I put my wedding ring back on today after about a month of not wearing it. Huge step for me!
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2017
  11. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    Do you think the Porn causes them to lie about stuff or the lying is a personality defect and how they got so wrapped up in porn?
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think (based on my SO healing) porn causes them to lie about stuff.
    And it takes healing to right it.

    Maybe in some cases it's the other way around.... But it's less likely
     
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  13. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    Is he fully honest yet? How long did it take him?
     
  14. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    Of course you feel very bad emotionally about it all -- but please do not feel the least bit guilty, even vis-a-vis your son, that you are stepping back from the relationship for the sake of your sanity and integrity and that of your son. I've been through divorce and know how conflicted and deeply unpleasant it is, but when the poison of dishonesty, distrust, and disunity has "felled the tree" of your relationship, you must, you simply must, uproot and start again by yourself in a different place -- regardless of the ambiguity of your feelings and those of everyone else involved.

    One thing I would not do, however, is to emotionally distance your son from his father, whose porn addiction may have fatally undermined his marriage, but that is to you, not to him. I do not know your son's age, but the _sense_ of separateness between father and son is very dangerous for the latter's healthy development. For your son to become an honest and true man, he'll have to maintain a close relationship relationship with his dad -- regardless of your pain, sadness and/or anger towards the other parent.

    Warm wishes of strength and success to you!
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2017
    Eve26 likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    @Eve26, yes and about 300 days.... He's over a year PM free now
     
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  16. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    oh wow!! 300 days for honesty...how did you deal threw that?
     
  17. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    he does have a relationship with his son and I have never divided that. I hope my son's dad becomes an man of integrity and sets a good role model for his son. Those are my husbands choices though. Not mine.
     
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  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Patience.
    And our lists
     
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  19. Eve26

    Eve26 Fapstronaut

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    What do you do when he doesn't follow the list?
     
  20. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    addicts lie -- including to themselves.
    that doesn't mean porn addiction can't aggravate prior issues with honesty.

    professionals have told me that fathers tend to focus more than mothers on the development of honesty in a son. be that as it may, you may have to enforce "keeping him honest" standards for the sake of your son's development, in his dad's stead.... i'm sure you wanna raise a man, not a weasel.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2017
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