The lonely wife of PA spouse

It sucks so much, think long and hard if you can deal with this down the road, the minimum if a year if they start recovery, I do hope thst things turn around for everyone here. Sex/porn addiction sucks so bad, it's the worst form of betrayal in a relationship, having your SO fantasize or be with others 8 (. On days i have a hard time remembering the good stuff, because there actually was, I think abiut how I feel about him now. When I see wo.en in the street that online would trigger him, it makes me sick and snaps me back to my reality. I even question if could ever be physical with him now? I would've back then when I was desperate to "help" him. But all the lies now, knowing how dishonest he was, knowing he looked at people as body parts, I just dont know how I could ever respect or be attracted to him again 8 (. So fir me i know there is nothing left but good memories, the person i met was a lie or atleast he died and i must carry on. I woukd never be with who i jnow he is today. But yes, it still hurts and is so sad to know they drifted away and are drowning and we gave to let go.

 

I just read a post online about this women, I'm no where a very religious person but do believe in a higher power. Although this link is to this woman's religious beliefs and may not go with our own beliefs, her post on what happened in her marriage certainly can identify with a few of us and also brings to light a few important things to think of when leaving a relationship - the first being to give it your all in the most positive way you can, accepting the outcome of your hard work regardless of the outcome and most importantly moving on and forgiving as much as you can, not just for them, but really for you. If you have done all you can to save your relationships, there is nothing left you can do but leave it in the hands of your higher power, whomever that might be for you. Some will make it and for others repeating it, drawing it out, letting it take every piece of joy left in your heart it is not going to help or change your life for the better. Here is the link if anyone is interested.

http://lysaterkeurst.com

 

You know what was even harder for e, wondering ifhow he looked at me in "the begginig" is the saw way he looks and thinks of every other woman, an oppty yo get a dopamine fix? Ugh... that part always disgusted me, the falseness, the empty compliments, fake feelings that i now know was to just get his drug. Puke!

 

Lol, it's sad but true and you just have to laugh sometimes or you will want to become a nun/lesbian or lock yourselves and your kids up in the house. I blame the media, internet, "stars" for alot of what's happening, it's thrown in your face all day, over sexualization of women in movies, ads, tv, reality shows. How can our kids avoid looking at that? it's out there on the web, on billboards, in commercials. What they've learned is being sexual is important to be popular and make money. Men learn, I'll just watch porn or hook up on an app if my wife and kids get on my nerves "everyone's doing it" is their mentality be abuse that's what movies, tv shows show you . It's all too easily accesible, no filters, no care for kids that see it and then live it. Why would a growing boy not be curious and why would a growing girl not want to be "popular" and follow other girls?. Thats what the media puts out there. Once the Kardashian was put on the list for being one of the most influential people, as though they should be compared to ghandi or mother theresa, we should've known the world as it is is going to shit. No way to stop it, all we can do is talk to our kids, stay clear of the negativity and chose to be with a person who is not going to chose the filfth over us. Someone with integrity and respect. If they don't want us going out there getting plastic surgery, demanding bigger bank rolls so we can go to the spa, spending their money to "beautify" ourselves with all this superficial crap and they want us to be faithful, they should do the Same!
It's sad, but there really is no real quality men out there anymore, most who are are already taken at our ages, they dont play the field endlessly, they commit. The rest treat women like objects and what works best for them and their needs. What happened to love, integrity, faithfulness, family, values??? They marry women to bare and take care their kids then find whores to sleep with? Talk about compartmentilization!

 

Your posts do sound as though you are at the end of your rope and just at a point that the desire to want or be with him is gone, even if you could forgive, can you go forward loving him, enjoying him, being happy to see him?. Sometimes in these situations, instead of asking ourselves what is the full picture, we think if how can I stop my pain right now. Him complimenting me, showing affection, telling me something to feel better about myself so I don't feel so ugly, unwanted and like a failure, those are the same cycles that happens in relationships with consistent relapses. We want that "hit" of desire, love, affection like they want that hit of dopamine. Try ladies, do try with all your heart and mind if you do love your man and feel "they feel the same way", try if possible but if he's relapsing more then hes recovering, let it go, you are beating a dead horse, another year will pass and you'll say the same thing, I should've just let go, then you will feel, well maybe 1 more year will do it. Thats like the porn addict saying, this one last clip will do it and i'll stop. Stop your own addiction to something that is not good for you, the constant obsession, worrying, searching, is that the way you want to live your life? So, if your SO has decided he's not going to get his business straight, dont give him an option to choose you, choose yiu fir yourself, you are not 2nd place to a porn whore/prostitute or whatever their addiction is, so dont allow him to devalue you the way they do to the porn they watch.
It's very sad and hard to come to terms of your reality sometimes but self care is very important for you. Read books on self help and recovery for yourself. Get back out theur with your friends/family for support which you've probably been neglecting while in this funk. Your eyes will open to what you don't realize right now as you are stuck in this hole that they've pulled you into with their issues.

 

Hi @Eve26, so glad your starting to take care of yourself. Regardless of if he noticed, just remember his brain is fogged and getting over desensitization. Yes, he's like a crackhead on porn and you just took away his crack, sounds like how my son acts about his iPad! As for his work phone, my ex had one too and he used it to watch lien, if your an addict you just don't give a damn as long as you get your hit. Unless he's good judgement about his work and not his personal life, he still has ability to access but if it makes you feel better do it!
As I mentioned before, I had monitoring software on my ex phone, that was the only way I felt a little safe after everything he had done and if it were not for it I would be in a complex situation like most, confused and wondering if it's me? not knowing if I were just assuming or going overboard. All my fears came to light and more, I've realized that my ex was a sociopath. Because I found out all these crazy secretive things he was doing without my knowledge. I found a website called lovefraud.com and it fits his behaviors to a tee! The love bombing and changing, manipulating a few months later was so spot on.
Now I do realize that most here probably just have the porn/sex issue but I would highly recommend women here to read the site and figure if these behaviors might be the same as what you've gone through in your own relationships, for me, it described his behavior and actions down to the last bit, was very eye opening to me to realize how duped I was. And most psychopaths, sociopaths are porn addicts and hypersexual.
As for how you feel about your husbands behavior, For the addict saying things to appease is more important then fixing the issues, he may still be in Denial and hoping things would just dissapear if he does and says the right things. I'm sorry to sound so skeptical but after what Ive Been through, I do not want any other innocent woman to be a victim either! Look up oprah Winfrey, learning to trust your instincts on YouTube, there is a specialist she uses named Gavin de Becker, it was so interesting to me. Maybe it will help shed some light and empower you as well. I do hope that your husband is true in his actions to get better, in fact I bet he is, but wanting and doing are two separate things, he should see a specialist and show you the actual work that he's doing instead of talking about things. As of now I'm sure his words are hollow as they've only been past lies. I'm sorry for your hurt and pain and wish you strength and courage to carry on for you and your child. I get striponger every day the more I read on my own heeling and ways to heal and deal. There is so much online sites that are helpful. Engage in them on days you are low, reach out, journal, it clears your heart and mind of the clutter that has built. Be well and enjoy taking care of yourself, you deserve it and remember, he doesn't deserve you, atleast not the way he is now.

 

Lol. Yes but did you read what you typed? You got the software but it was holding you back because you felt you had to keep monitoring , so now you took away his phone thinking it will make him stop if he doesn't have it? That was me, the level of nonsensical, desperate things we are doing thinking it will "help" them stay away and get better. Taking away his phone probably only fueled his addiction more to find another way to look at porn because it is the excitement, dopamine spike in the search and "getting over" on you that creates this cycle of addiction. They say it's not the orgasm that they search for when doing their addiction, it's the search, the ongoing dopamine flow from looking, searching. I went back and thought as well as read some of the things I did, which I think maybe most of us have to go through to "learn our own lessons" ourselves. Like how we tell the addict, don't do that, it's bad for you but they don't get it till the aftermath. I started wearing and shopping for lingerie, like how you died you hair, I started to give him massages, all this with the hope that it will fulfill his needs but sex/porn addiction isn't really about the sex, it's about the dopamine flow and unfortunately, like all things, it progresss, desensitization sets in, the need for some thing and some one new to view or be with strikes and we can't stop it by taking away their phones or learning to stripper polecdance or coloring our hairs or throwing the pic out the window 8(. I only realized that now after make by that error, after not realizing that was what I was doing but since reading other people's stories and about addiction and codependency, the light went on and I realized that was me! How so much of his issues changed and effected me because it killed my self worth and self esteem. How much life this addiction took not only from him but me. I hope you like your hair atleast I) And I wish you more strength and luck on your apt Thur. I hope you get a great therapist!

 

How did the therapist go? Like them?
Sorry you feel this way, I have been there and it's a long freaking haul out the hole but you can do it with determination and support. You know the saying " it takes a village", well, it's the same aspect in adulthood, just with a different type of support, believe me, you can change your life to the better, you just gotta face the pain and not cope with anger, neglect, ignoring, like the addict who doesn't face their pain and instead isolates and thrives on the bad stuff to get through. Do something different, change your habits, go back to things you once enjoyed, stop living for him. You have one life to live, don't waste it on waiting for someone to catch up to you and to make you happy. Your kids need a healthy you, you've got a long road ahead, make it as smooth as possible. Try the other online sites for some motivation. I been going on lovefraud.com, but my situation is most likely different from yours, I'm sure your husband is not a sociopath, but if you find websites/resources of people going through what you are and hear their story, it strengthens you because you see the whole picture, not just the small little hole your stuck in. Your not the only and you can recover! Hope the therapy went well. Hug your kids, remember they love you and want you to be happy.

 

Know that these are all normal emotions for someone in your situation to be going through. And right when you think you're doing better, they may hit you and overwhelm you again. There will be a point where your SO sees what is expected of him and does something about it or you say enough is enough. Either way, you need to continue the focus on your well being. Like therapy and dying your hair, keep doing things that help you feel better about yourself and reinforce that you deserve only the best!

You've already taken some big steps in that direction by setting your boundaries and standing by them. I know it feels hopeless and lonely at times but you really are doing what is best for you and your children. Your kids would rather see you happier in the long run, than miserable and living with someone who disrespects you. Time will heal! You had the guts to tell him to move out and shape up so I have no doubt you will find the guts to realize your full potential and know that you do deserve true love and respect!

Wonderful journal! You're not alone! Best wishes! ❤️❤️

 

Time does heel, just make sure your spending the time on yourself and your life and not wondering about him, I know that's hard right now. But, It's almost 3 mos since my own freedom and break and each day, week and month that passses gives me more strength, I'm making new routines, going back to good ones I stopped since the wreck of finding out. My life no longer consists of wondering every day if he relapsed, objectified, lied, cheated. I feel I'm becoming me again and I'm enjoying doing my hair, dressing up, thinking of myself and my son. I'm starting to see that this addiction consumed me and my thoughts and still does some days when I see something over sexual, it brings up thoughts of low self esteem, anger but it also strengthens me because I think of how I felt being with him in those moments, how low, inadequate, ugly I thought I was when it's not the case, and the man your with should never make you feel that way.
Every woman should be with a man who makes her not need or want another man!

 

Yes.
You go get 'em girl!

 

Maybe because you haven't had that type of sex in a long time? Actual touching, caressing, intimacy that has become so foreign it feels wrong or "different"?
Glad you enjoyed it. It sounds as though you were able to have foreplay and bring out feeling wanted for you, not just a body who flips over and saits for it to be over?...
you syre had some fireworks for July 4th! 8)

 

Ps, the great thing is that you guys know you can still have great sex and passion