SOs feelings and thoughts through their partners Addiction/Recovery

I replied to your other post as well.

A couple things I thought I'd add here too.

The specific post was about ogling but could be about anything. I find this a very important topic to talk to for someone who is really making big strides in their reboot. (Me) As you said in the other post. It can be possible for the addict to glance for say 2.5 seconds. The addict can feel like it was less than .5 seconds but to the SO that can feel like 5 seconds or longer.

Without diminishing the justified feeling the SO is feeling in that moment. The addict can feel as though when something like this gets brought up that we are being accused of not changing at all because the disapproval seems the same in the moment. This makes it tough I think for so many of us because very often the addicts are here searching for the approval of our spouses on our improvements. This can lead to many relapses in my experience, even though a lot of things are improving we feel our partners disapproval as though nothing has changed at all. Which sends us into feeling that hopeless worthlessness that often drives the addiction.

Sometimes it's hard for us to see every action like you said. And we are working on the biggest one (acting out) first. And there's a certain disconnect between partners when the addict is abstaining from P successfully but may not realize all the other behaviors associated with it. Potentially for the reasons you pointed out that the length is under "dispute". I can totally see how an argument could arise on something like this. The SO points out the issue, then we say "I didn't look for 5 seconds!" then the argument becomes about the "duration" and how "bad" it is rather than the ACTUAL issue of the ogling. And this can cause the issues you talk about in your post above. The issue isn't the duration of the ogling but the point that ogling at all isn't good if it hurts the SO.

This makes rebooting that much harder while in a relationship. First and foremost to successfully reboot addicts need to approve of themselves. But at the same time the approval of their spouse is also extremely important. It takes a lot of resiliency and self awareness as you have pointed out to allow the SO to experience their pain and suffering without diminishing the issue. And finding an approval of ourselves in the midst of all that. For me, it's quite difficult to find that self worth when I see the pain I have caused my wife for example because I put a lot of my own worth in the approval of others. (toxic shame)

For the addict I think when our spouses express disapproval of an action like this it can make us feel like we actually "relapsed". Our spouses are hurt in a similar way to acting out and express a similar disapproval. For us it often seems like it is the same thing and that our efforts "aren't enough". This is not a correct assumption but just one that I think many of us feel in that moment of the argument.

I think it takes a lot of resiliency and self worth for us to see past our problems and let our spouses have their pain. And to continue on the correct path

 

You mean it's almost like someone who gets hooked a 12 year old and wakes up 34 married with kids and asks what the heck happened? .

I agree it's sad but it's true. And this is why I keep pushing that we need to increase awareness that this hooks a kid before they can understand what the hell is going on. At the very least for me I will be much more open with my kids about these dangers.

 

Mostly on my other comment I was just trying to refer you here rather than respond on Warren's thread further than what I had responded to there. But yes I think we are agreeing. As far as for me I'd say both things are true. I am sensitive of disapproval and also have been "disapproved" of in very unfair ways. It can get pretty hard to tell the difference at times. The main point I'm trying to make on both threads is the importance for a new poster to have that affirmation of self worth and approval continually mentioned. Because I think it would have really helped me early on.

I do get what you are saying here. And I'm catching myself doing exactly that at different times. I don't know the solution other than to try and facilitate good thoughts, be supportive, and to pick your battles. For example I can't express enough in some of the more revealing posts I've written how much a simple like or comment from @KevinesKay has done for me. There were a couple times his support has helped relieve some pretty rough emotions that if I had felt completely alone after expressing I would have relapsed.

I can say something that does affect me is being told how I feel, rather than being asked why I feel a certain way. It creates a disconnect that causes me to put walls up. I think everyone does that to a degree. In terms of P addiction there's so much complexity that it is a much more sensitive situation than most others.

I also find many comments that aren't intended to shame someone here actually can because of the "point of view". Sometimes the post might be painting with a broad brush that all addicts are the same and generates quite a few assumptions. It can make someone feel quite dehumanized because there's so much more to the person than just the addiction even if there are similarities in symptoms of the addiction. Sometimes I think we forget there is a human with their own life experiences and feelings on the other side of the screen typing. I also can see how many of you probably feel reading things here, especially when it sounds exactly like something you experienced in your life. That's just a tough situation. Unfortunately I find that each of the P users here need to find our own understanding and can't be told, which makes this frustratingly slow for someone trying to help.

This is a pretty fascinating topic for me because I am seeing more and more that not only have I done that, but my wife has as well. Not in particular the ogling topic but just in general relationship issues, We often get in these disputes like the "duration" of the ogling which literally isn't the actual issue that needs addressed. We both deflect in these ways and don't come to a common understanding and we both leave the conversation feeling further distanced. Again I have to refer myself to @used19 's post about communication in a safe judgement free place, where both partners can express their feelings.

For me I think I will continue to try and catch myself when I do this and correct it. And also try and be more patient when my wife does it to me.

Trying to stick to the ogling hypothetical... I can see that I have been that person who has diminished things. And I've also been that person who might overreact to something quite insignificant that my wife does. I'm not taking away the particularly sensitive emotion of the SO here. I'm just trying to speak in general for my own benefit of trying to be understanding.

So there is a certain element where I get sick of it. My wife has always been super jealous, there's been times where she has accused me of things that just aren't true. I'm sorry it gets old. I don't know everyone's particular situation and I'm not trying to "side" with anyone here. I'm just expressing how I feel. Sometimes I just need my wife to back off on the accusations and let me be. I get particularly tired of being accused of sexual things I have done with a "promiscuous ex" that I have actually never done with anyone, yet she has done them with hers ex's. Many of whom I went to high school with and know they were quite the "sexual deviants".

On a different note, If she would like me to give our daughter a bath, fold towels, do the dishes. fill in the blank.. maybe let me do it my dang way.. stop over correcting every damn movement I make. I'm a smart capable guy. I just need space to function the way I know how, just chill out and take a break for a few mins instead of hovering and controlling everything I do. It doesn't have anything to do with addiction in this aspect. I can admit my response to it is most definitely affected by addiction though and I am trying hard to not let my emotions get the better of me anymore.

I'm definitely not suggesting anyone high five someone for 2.5 seconds instead of 5. That was just the hypothetical situation that @hope4healing brought up. And I felt it was worth delving into deeper. I also don't think it's the SOs job to cheerlead at all. There is an interesting dynamic to the scenario though that the SO can feel like it was 5 seconds, the addict think it was less than .5 and the truth be that it was somewhere in the middle like hope said. As I said the "duration" isn't the issue it's the act itself that's the issue.

I hope all of this can be understood as my attempt to facilitate further conversation. As I thought this was a great topic to discuss.