SOs feelings and thoughts through their partners Addiction/Recovery

I know a lot of this is out there but I think it's an extremely important one to discuss. To me it's an absolute requirement when a P addict is "Rebooting in a Relationship" to fully understand our partners through this process.

 

I want to Pull @hope4healing's post from a different forum here to comment on.

"I wanted to give another perspective on this. For SO's, there might be some shame in the fact that our partner is a P addict...perhaps somewhat of a reflection of our choices. However, I think more often that shame falls directly on us...it feels like a reflection of us as a person, as a wife/partner. It seems like a common (mis)conception that, if someone becomes a PA, it's probably because his wife isn't doing enough to satisfy him sexually. Churches, society, and even some addicts themselves promote the idea that the addiction would mostly be remedied if the wife would just (fill in the blank). Even though this is completely wrong, there's been enough blame thrown our way that it's difficult to not feel like it's at least partially our fault that our partner chooses to go outside of our relationship for sex. Unlike any other addiction our partners could have, this one feels personal because it involves our partner giving away a part of themselves that's never supposed to be shared with anyone but us...they aren't content with what we offer. How could that not make us feel a sense of shame?

So, it's possible that, as an SO, we don't want everyone knowing that our partner is a P addict, not because we're ashamed that something is wrong with you but because we're ashamed that everyone will think there's something wrong with us."

I really appreciate your input here. And there's been other good comments on the other forum commenting on this. I hope I articulate this properly, It's pretty deep and hard to express perfectly.

I can totally see how a SO would feel this way as well. It makes sense. I can just imagine the SO who gets blindsided by the confession that their husband is addicted to PMO. I suspect many lay there and say do I really even know this man at all?

It is not your fault. No way, now how. I also agree that for me even if my wife did the things I'm asking her to do (be intimate more often, kind, understanding, Empathetic Etc.) it most definitely wouldn't fix my addiction. I'm willing to admit that I most likely destroyed many of these qualities my wife may have shared early on because of my distorted mind.

It started way before I even knew her and before I was old enough to process what was actually happening. I think as a man I can express that I do desire more sex in my marriage. And that I have resorted to PMO to fill that need because I have a hard time dealing with the rejection I get when trying to initiate with my wife. This was not the case earlier in our relationship but as life becomes more complicated and busy often the relationship and intimacy take a back seat to other things.

I think this often gets misconstrued as a PA saying well if you were just having more sex with me I wouldn't PMO. I think a better way of saying that is setting the addiction aside for a minute. I have needs too. I deal with shame too. I think the initial reactions for the SO are natural and justified. And in a way it can actually be worse off for the addict because it dumps more shame, blame, guilt onto them which makes the addiction worse. I think the blame of the addiction hits the 12 year old boy had no idea what the consequences were of getting hooked and wakes up a 34 year old man married with kids and asks how did I end up here? For me I think I just had a hard time actually seeing what my addiction was doing this whole time and how it affected my wife. For me at least I was in survival mode through much of my addiction. Just get through the day..

It's no doubt complicated. I think the most important part is attempting to understand one another. To extend grace and show love to one another as no one of us is perfect.

I'm also here wondering how to I express this to my wife. That I know it isn't her fault and at the same time express my needs without dumping my shame right back on her and making her feel like my addiction is her fault.

I hope more SOs can comment here because I would love to hear their feelings on how their partners addictions affected them so that maybe an addict trying to understand their SO's actions/reactions can get some clarity and understanding as well. So often I am extremely frustrated with my wife's reactions to me and know often we both just don't take the time to understand one another.

 

I know you are definitely right. And I definitely think I felt that way during my marriage before I realized that p was a problem. But, I think it's a place where two things can be true at the same time if that makes sense.

I'm not making the excuse that because of a lack of sex I PMOed more and that it's ok because it that. But I most definitely PMOed more because of the lack of sex. When I have expressed that emotion i think is can get lost in translation due to my wife.

For me at least I've honestly felt that way the majority of the time.

This may not be true for all. But I am freaking turned on physically by my wife so much. No makeup, sweatpants holy t shirt, the whole deal. She hates she is getting grey hair. I love them. I can totally see how I look like a hypocrite watching P and saying that but it's how I truly feel.

I agree that true recovery requires there to be no stipulation of sex from their partner to stay in recovery. But even in recovery I am going to want sex. And don't think I'm unreasonable in making it an important aspect of the relationship. Navigating this is somewhat difficult especially for me who naturally suppresses their needs and feelings.

I'd love to hear SOs thoughts on this. Especially when it pertains to your feeling of betrayal and interest having sex, what experiences SOs have had during reboot interest me because my wife and I are living it currently. What success stories as well are out there? We see the addicts success stories but I haven't seen a lot from the SOs, I'm very interested in that.

This also makes me think of a topic I hate thinking about. But I know I need to...

What happens when my wife is physically unable to have sex anymore. For whatever reason health or otherwise. What will it look like.

I battle with this notion a lot. I think I'll post about this tonight.

 

I get too that the addition is selfish. And this is going to come off as insensitive...

Something I as the addict struggle with is that the SOs response is also selfish. It's like "how could you (the addict)do this to me?!". I say this not to diminish the betrayal at all or the feelings if the SO. I'm the one to blame for the issue as with many things ignorance is not an excuse.

I struggle expressing to my wife that I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't know what I was doing. And it's a hard process to correct.

Theres times where I just wish I could say that "I didn't become a P addict to hurt you.". I know it's not a great alibi but it's how my heart feels.

It's a 2 victim addiction in many cases. The 12 year old boy in my case and the 28 year old woman I married as well.

I hate that it had to happen.

 

With the deepest amount of respect to you. I think there is a misunderstanding here from what I truly mean. I'm not saying it's selfish at all to be hurt by it, I don't think it at all is selfish to expect a significant other to not lie to you. I'm saying it is selfish to assume that we intended to inflict that hurt, that we on purpose did the things you mention above. If there can be a certain acknowledgement by the SO that there was not intent to harm maybe that can be the start of the healing process. To me that's where the SO can start showing Grace to their partner. The "how dare you do that to me" mindset is on it's own a self centered emotion. And with that natural and justified feeling we addicts feel the toxic shame that drove our addiction in the first place. For me I did not become a P addict to hurt anyone, at the same time I can 100 percent understand how it has affected SOs and most importantly for me, my wife.

I adamantly disagree that becoming an addict is not an accident in many (and maybe most) cases especially for a P addict. Yes there is accountability needed here from the fully grown adult addict that it is not ok. What is the average age a young boy is exposed to P? I've heard in the 10 to 11 age group and I've heard that number is dropping fast! I think I heard John Delony say once that some study said age 6 even. Just as a young child can't give consent to have sex at this age and we have laws to protect them, a young boy can't understand what they are seeing. I didn't know how these things would affect me I was hooked before I even was old enough to consent to what I was watching. I was addicted before I had the ability to understand what was going on and have spent most of my life trying to hide the fact that I am addicted.

I applaud the state of Utah for what they recently did to try and make the access to P to underage kids harder. We need to support the state in it's battle against Pornhub as I heard they are removing all access to everyone in the state. I hope that doesn't affect any decisions made by lawmakers.

I also want to strongly urge parents of young boys to not make them feel shame for their sexual desires and urges. I was shamed as a kid, I thought that feeling any sexual desire meant I was bad. I secretly hid that sexual desire and urge because of it in a very unhealthy way.

I don't want to digress into this too much, I truly want to hear how SOs feel and I'm not trying to dump any blame onto anyone here. I just hope it gives some food for thought for how SOs understand their partners, so often I think we feel the brunt of that Shame that our SOs feel as well like @hope4healing expressed in the original post I quoted. It's not the duty of the SO to coddle the shame of the addict I just think it's an important aspect of the conversation.

I'm so very sorry for all the hurt that SOs feel from men like me due to the things we have done unintentionally and intentionally.

"Grace is the face that Love wears when it meets imperfection"

 

I can agree with this. I don't think I am resting on any virtue here. I'm simply expressing some important points.

Edit: I would even say that I often don't feel truly understood by my wife in this way that I described above. Typically I would let a post like this trigger my toxic shame. I am not "the worst kind of man" it's taken me a long time to realize that. This is exactly what triggers P addicts back into the addiction. It has taken a lot of work for me to realize I'm not a bad person. I have done bad things, but I am not a bad person. A P addict/Man with "Nice Guy Syndrome" really struggles with this as we don't know the difference.

 

I'm sorry you experienced that. I can relate to some of that as I have had health issues that I have often wondered if I would have had if certain things were different.

Maybe I'm in a minority here. I don't think I am. But I genuinely am attracted to my wife physically much different than I have any other person. Her body changes haven't affected my attraction to her. I do know I've been absolutely terrible at expressing and showing that to be truth with my actions. She's not perfect of course in many ways but I don't feel a non attraction to her in that way.

I have often wondered if my wife has felt similar for what she feels for our daughter and baby that's on the way. She didn't ask to have kids with someone who lied to her about a very important part of a marriage.

I've thought it was mostly a sort of postpartum depression issue. And I've blamed it on that. I think maybe I've ignored a pretty damning truth here that there's a strong possibility that she resents her children in a similar way. I feel terrible if that's true.

Do you think it might be similar to marrying someone who didn't disclose that they committed a felony or that maybe they had HIV? Like we hid that from you and passed it to you and now your stuck because we conned you into thinking we were someone else than we actually were?

 

I can understand that for sure.

I'm finding that it's a huge part of the addiction cycle to

I don't know if I'm able to express this very well. Maybe it's something that needs to be lived to be truly understood. My reality is very much different maybe your husband's is too.

I haven't put value on the looks of the p star or ever compared my wife to them. I've never craved the physical appearance of that instead of my wife. I suppose maybe in a way I used P as an intimacy substitute. I did it to feel a certain way not because I don't think my wife is sexy as hell. I'm not sure I'm certain I'm expressing my feelings right but I feel like a lot of it for me is the same reason I ran to junk food since college sports. For comfort. To hide from the fact that I can't be a college athlete with all the accolades forever. That I needed to love myself and be comfortable with myself without the approval of others. I had a huge ego. I resorted to an addiction that I discovered as a kid that subconsciously always worked in the past. I didn't realize I was walking around a fully grown man who invisibly was carrying his blankey and sucking his thumb to feel safe. I can totally get how you feel though and others that do as well.

We are still relatively young but I look back at pictures and realize wow we both have really changed physically and I see that difference. But day to day I really don't. I look over and see my wifes physical attributes and just think dang she's so good looking and instantly desire to be intimate with her.