SOs feelings and thoughts through their partners Addiction/Recovery

Would you tell the family of a person hospitalized by a drunk driver that they needed to have more understanding for the person in alcohol addiction?

 

Here’s why I think why it’s such a pervasive thought process for us, the betrayed. Time and again, our husbands pointed out our flaws, what we did, how we hurt them some way while either hiding their addiction or minimizing , dismissing the pain they caused. Hell, my husband didn’t even acknowledge that HE was the cause of the pain until he’d been in recovery over 6 months! On here, the number of times I see an addict say “ it’s because my partner” ( both the men and women do this, although I know u can’t see the women’s section). Seriously, one person compared their porn use/massage parlor addiction to their partner cussing at them. That’s just so incredibly wrong. All marriages have hard times, all marriages have people that can be insensitive and hurtful, all marriages require forgiveness. Not all marriage have the hurt that unfaithfulness causes. Not all marriages have the struggles that addiction causes. Not all marriages have people who deliberately choose to cheat and ignore their partners month after month. I did not treat my husband the way I would have if he had not been treating me the way he did. How I treated him was a direct consequence of his unfaithfulness and unwillingness to address the fact that he had a serious issue. I was not abusive, but I took off my wedding ring, stopped all things a wife ( I) would normally do. I quit going to his charity events, I quit going to his awards ceremonies, I stopped saying I love you, I stopped all affection, I didn’t make him dinner, I didn’t do his laundry, I wouldn’t pick up his meds or dry cleaning. Every convenience that I had happily done to make his life easier and to try and make our relationship better I stopped on 2nd dday ( 10 yrs married). While many of us tried desperately to fix our marriage, to be better communicators, to be more patient, more kind, more accepting, ( pied anyone? Never ever not once did I say or did nothing to dare mage him feel bad about that) our partners systematically tore everything down. This is why they do not recommend couples counseling until the addict is well into recovery . I think like you, we feel unheard. We feel dismissed. Do you know how often someone will come on here and say partner finally left and so many respond with “ she just didn’t love you enough. Or “ she already has someone on the side”. Very very rarely is it “ well dude you had 5 years and a million chances and it broke her heart and she couldn’t do it anymore, one more hurt and she felt like she would die. Obviously you didn’t love her enough to stop hurting her.”
I think you have a taste of what that betrayal is because your wife does not sound like she was ever honest with you.
I really respect that you continue to respond without attacking. Because I’m sure everything we say sounds like an attack. Lol at least from me, it’s more trying to describe something that feels indescribable.

 

My thesis is that you unknowingly minimize the impact of your addiction in a way that you don't minimize the damaging impact of other addictions.
What about if the alcoholic went out again the next day and hospitalized someone again?

 

I will never understand addiction. I just don’t, as I don’t struggle with addictive behaviors. The closest I can come is comparing it to food. Many addictions you can just completely abstain, if you’re married that’s probably not possible and sex can be a trigger with chaser and all. I also don’t understand depression. Or ocd. That’s why support outside of me is so important for my husband to get. It’s why I do not resent the time he spends in recovery groups. They are a need for him that I cannot meet. Him working through his shame has changed everything in our relationship. I know he can never understand or grasp the pain and damage he has done. I don’t necessarily need him to, but I do need him to be able to give me space for the pain, the anger, the resentment, bitterness, sadness and deep grief. When he is using he cannot do any of that.

 

My husband use to say “ I’m sorry you got hurt”. While I’m standing there dying, sobbing, he would be what I perceived as uncaring and unemotional ( he was pretty numb so my perception was not too far off).
One day about 4 months into recovery, I’m guessing here as it’s been a while, he sat down , took my hand and said “ I am so sorry I hurt you. I had no idea what I was doing to you and no idea how to stop. I regret everything I’ve done and I’m sorry”. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t even really the subtle difference until he said it.
I’m sorry you got hurt was as if I fell off a bike on my own
I’m sorry I hurt you took responsibility and acknowledged he was the cause.
That was a huge shift in our relationship.

 

I wanted to reply with this also, the person who wakes up and realizes what they are doing early on in a relationship has a much better chance than the one who spends decades destroying the relationship. The one who willingly steps up and discloses to their partner has a much better chance than the one who is discovered. The one who is not abusive ie name calling, trying to shame, blame, or outright physical abuse has a better chance at repairing the bond.
This is obvious I would think.
My husband has dug a much deeper hole than the person only married a few years.
Only once did my husband try and shame me. Early in our marriage he told me “ you are a nympho and something is wrong with you” to which I replied “ no, I’m normal, it is normal and healthy to want sex in a marriage and something is wrong with you. Are you gay, or were you abused? Because it’s normal and healthy to want sex in a marriage ? There is a reason you avoid sex”. He just got mad and left lol. There were multiple times I told him something was very wrong with him and he should go see a doctor . He tried to shame me by saying “ I WAS a nympho , because I don’t feel shame I responded that no I WAS normal but something was wrong with him and he should see a doctor. He stopped trying to shame me because it didn’t work. However, if I had felt shame it would’ve worked and he most likely would’ve continued using it. Many women feel deep shame around sex because of society, religion, and family upbringing. I was fortunate that my family and church saw sex as a normal healthy part of marriage and a gift from God.
I acknowledge that he didn’t know what he was doing was so damaging, but he did know it was wrong.

 

And sometimes a little kick in the ass sorry

 

My husband always just said that he had a longer refractory period and couldn't perform as often as we wanted to. I have a really high libido and crushed my wants and desires trying to match him and not make him feel even worse than he was pretending to feel about it.
The faking of those emotions was a huge part of pain for me. Why act like you feel bad about it when you just wanted other people more? Killed my ability to connect with him once I found out. Just totally decimated.

 

For most of my life, I considered sex a need. I wound up in jail after cruising for prostitutes picking up an undercover cop. And in that cell, I figured that as long as I considered sex a need, I was going to go about doing destructive things to go about getting what I felt I needed.

I had to accept that sex is not in need. It's not a right nor is it a freedom. It's a privilege. One that every being in this world has to surrender. I am not an exception. I surrender my privilege to have sex. Only then, was I open to the answer to my question to God.
What do women really want?

And because I was getting rid of all expectations, choosing to see women as they really are, as opposed to what they do for me or how they make me feel. God helped me to open up my mind to a whole new world of love, emotion, and relationship. For until that day in 2004, I was oblivious to it. And I'll explain.

This love must be a really powerful thing. So powerful that it can eradicate all lustful thinking? That's extremely powerful. The love addicts in SLAA can agree. But I can't feel it. I really can't. I can only see it and hear it from others. And I accept by faith that it is as real as others say it is. I'm just glad that I can finally notice it. It was that time in which I not only introduced myself in the group as a sex addict, but also an emotional, social, and love anorexic.

Women and relationships started to make a lot more sense to me. Questions that used to baffle me no longer did. I finally knew answers to hard questions such as why women love romance, and marriage, and babies. Why women pursue bad boys. Why relationships are intrinsically so challenging. Or why @Warfman's wife desires to sleep with her ex instead of him.

Even though I can't really feel love, I can still appreciate it for what it looks like and what it sounds like. And I can still give it. My wife and I have a very unique relationship. She's been very accepting. And she knows that I'll lay down my life for her. I can still love her with my actions. It's just my feelings that elude me. This might have something to do with the fact that my lust, fantasy, porn, sex addiction, started developing at a very very early age. I also identify as a relationship and intimacy anorexic. And on top of that, I've discovered that I'm autistic. My wife picked up on it well before I did.

This has all got to hurt. After having so much hope for love, and relationship, a happy life. And now, to come to the conclusion that you probably won't ever feel this way again. That's gotta hurt. I can't think of many things that would hurt more. The only thing I can think would be more painful would be the death of a child. I may not understand you, and I may not know how you feel. But you most definitely have my compassion.

And I don't know how to help. I can't fix this. I finally know how to get better as a sex and porn addict. But when it comes to wives healing? I got nothing. Except for the fact that I know that God is bigger than all of this. If He can take a guy like me that is an emotional, social, love, relationship, intimacy anorexic. Who is autistic and scores an 18 out of 20 on the SAST, and produce healing. (And I am experiencing healing.) If God can do that with me, than He can do anything.

I pray that you'll all experience God's healing., Someday

 

My husband is also IA…. The irony about this was every single couples books, couples retreat, sermon on marriage encouraged the wife to initiate sex or surprise him with sex if he was feeling discouraged or down. My husband cannot deal with sex. It’s way too intimate. So me doing this caused great distress. It’s why we had a great relationship while dating ( no sex) and it fell apart 3 days into the honeymoon. Even worse, he married me- someone who loved sex and had no issues asking!

 

My daughter was just diagnosed autistic a couple years ago, made so much sense! I always just thought she was quirky and introverted and really needed routine. Lol. I couldn’t understand why kids were so mean to her and she had such a hard time making friends. You do have extra challenges.

 

I would appreciate words like this. Actually it feels very empathic. It feels like love. My husband tells me things like this. He knows Im hurting. He knows he did that to me. One of the first things he said to me after I found out was, he knew he fucked up very very much and that I dont love him anymore, but he would do anything and wait as long as it takes, for me to love him again. That he would prove that he doesnt want to do that to me anymore. And he really changed and thats what matters, every day he does whatever he sees me in the eyes that I want. It is healing to hear him apologize for what he did, see him hurting because of what he did to me and saying he would do anything to turn back time and not do it again. No judging or blaming from him, just listening to my pain when I talk. Even when he doesnt agree with me, for example when I say, that porn excites him more than I do or when I say that he thinks they are more beautiful than I am. He says, "I understand why you feel that way". Or "I know you feel that way and I am sorry I did it to you". And then he adds that he didnt see it that way when he did it. And I was and still am the most beautiful girl in the world for him. Which I dont believe btw, but still sounds good.
I think you are on the right way. Keep going. That was really nice reading from a man on here.