Sex addict looking for advice

^^^ further evidence, as if we needed any more. The lying is easily the worst part of it for partners.

The grand illusion that virtually every addict lives by is "she doesn't need to know, because I'm going to work really hard this time and I'll never do it again." They often deceive themselves into thinking that's the virtuous path, because after all, the truth would just put her in such horrible pain, so surely a loving husband would protect her from that.

It almost never works out that way.

 

I would definitely recommend seeing a professional and having them help you with the disclosure process.

Depending on the situation and the therapist's recommendations, there's usually an amount of detail that's considered sufficient. But your wife should have the prerogative to decide how much detail you share. If she wants to know everything, you'll have to decide if you're willing to share that or not, and what the consequences are of either decision. Yes, she might leave if you tell. But she might also leave if you refuse to tell. And she might say, "no, just knowing that you're struggling and getting help is enough information for me." But she'll never be able to say that if she isn't given the option to.

 

Okay, well, that's great.

Does she know that even though you're 'working on it', the problem has been getting worse? What exactly have you been doing to 'work on it?'

The unfortunate truth is that if "working on it" just means "trying harder", you're virtually doomed to failure. So I hope for your sake there are some external controls or help that you're receiving.

 

Then if you both agreed on don’t ask don’t tell, that is entirely different than keeping her in the dark . Seriously. Only YOU know if what you are doing is against her boundaries. In the same way that open marriages have boundaries and agree and therefore it isn’t cheating unless one starts behaving in a way not agreed upon. So either you and your wife agreed on keeping sexual exploits secret ( so why any guilt at all?) or you know this isn’t what she meant. But only you know.

 

You haven’t become anything. You’ve done things that may be against your values, but it’s not your entire identity. Start attending sa or saa group. I think you would really benefit from that.

 

I disagree, but I do understand your points. I have been in Step related addiction programs for over 20 years. I understand burnout and frustration with them. In fact, I gave up on them 12 years ago, and just recently came back. When I worked recovery on my own I had times of sobriety and relapse. In retrospect mostly relapse and the 10 years before I returned were very dark and lonely. I became very legalistic and bitter and needed the balance of other brothers in a face to face setting to speak into my life.
Is there a cure offered by Steps or NF? Yes and No. Both programs would say that relapse is always possible and you have to be 100% on your guard at all times to prevent it. In other words, once you are an addict, there is always a possibility of slipping back. The program I am in (Celebrate Recovery) makes it a point to not state that our identity is in our addiction, but that our identity is in our faith. I think that's an important distinction, and something traditional Step programs have gotten wrong. I think both programs would also say that there is healing, freedom, sobriety, a new life, new hope, and a ton of benefits from not being in a addiction. In that, there is a cure. But it is a cure that requires continued diligence, like a diabetic avoiding sugar.

What Steps, the modern culture, and even teaching I heard in some churches got really wrong, is that they pretty much say abstinence is not possible. Examples are statements like "You can't deny your desires, you must embrace them and this is your identity, your identity is in your worst desires or hang-ups, better to marry than to burn with desire, men just have to have a release or it's not healthy, p0rn is so prevalent everyone does it, you can't expect someone to resist it. If you deny your desires, then you are denying your true self." These messages are all throughout our culture and it's permeated the churches, Step programs, and can even be found in some corners of NF.

NF as a whole has corrected that false belief and offers the reality that abstinence is possible, real men are doing it, and are better for it. In reality, abstinence has always been the teaching of the Bible, but most pastors have lost track of that in the midst of a culture on fire with desire. The 12 Steps were based on abstinence and the Bible as well, but go a little deeper than just abstaining and try to addresses root causes, denial, forgiveness, surrender, amends, and accountability. These are proven principals spiritually and psychologically and are more effective than any other treatment program to date (See evidence below). No program is perfect, and the success really depends on the determination and drive of the individual. You can reject the steps, you can reject God, but be aware that people are still getting free through them. In an online age where people don't have many real friends or contacts outside of their PC, it is even more important.

https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/926801?form=fpf
AA Superior to CBT for Alcohol Addiction

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6759672/
Belief, Behavior, and Belonging: How Faith is Indispensable in Preventing and Recovering from Substance Abuse

 

I've literally been to hundreds of SAA meetings, and I've only come across one person who was a convicted pedo. That's out of well over 1000 members. You're acting as if half of the SAA community is a danger to society. It sounds like you went to one particular group, had a bad experience, and so now you know the fellowship better than anyone else.

Well, if members of the group appear toxic, don't create friendships with those members. I don't get along with every guy in SAA, and there are some people I avoid entirely. That doesn't mean the fellowship itself is to blame, or some type of a cult.

 

The funny thing is your talking about step members being bitter and you are the one who is coming across as being very bitter. I agree that not everyone in a step group is safe or trustworthy. You have to use discernment as to who you trust. If you don't like step groups, that fine, just say that and move on. But other people here do and are getting a lot out of them. Why try to sour that for everyone else?

 

Because people need to be warned that they are not safe places and the type of people you will find there. And being angry about it is a normal emotion that needs to be vented when your boundaries have been pushed. It’s better that than acting out. Seriously you need counselling after going to them places.

 

You are singing my song. These might as well have been my words. Especially the part about the small d. I have troubles having sex because

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

I can't get good penetration and it keeps falling out . . . and some positions are simply impossible.

On the flip side - be grateful that yours works at all! And you have a wife who I am guessing is committed to you, despite your short cummings.

Try to work with what you have. Use your hands and your mouth to give pleasure. Think of all the other ways that you can be a good partner (that aren't sexual).

And definitely stay off of porn. It will just reinforce your beliefs and keep you focused on fantasies that are unrealistic.

 

You may be experiencing flatline