Sex addict looking for advice

It's the classic "Don't think of a zebra" problem. You can go months without thinking about zebras, the argument goes, but when I say "zebra" and tell you not to think of them, you think about them all the time. Another example is a juvenile "game" some of my friends played back in college, where if you think about the game you have to announce that you lost the game. You see a member of the friend group, your brain recalls there's a rule about this friend group, what was it? Ah yes, the game. That you just lost. And then you have to announce that you lost it, which makes them lose it as well. Not thinking about porn or eroticism is like that, especially when you are habituated to using it as a go-to coping mechanism, and as you become conscious that you need to fight it. Fight what? Porn. And now you're thinking of porn.

Apologies for the long preamble, I only want you to know it;s a common problem and we've thought about it a lot.

The way to not think of a zebra is to think about elephants. Or robins, or electrical engineering. Zebras are going to occupy the empty space in your mind, so you have to fill your mind with good things, so there is no room for the things you don't want to think about. There are a lot of things to think about. There are your goals, and your plans to meet those goals. There's ideas to contend with. There's films and books. There's philosophies and scriptures. Mantras or catechisms may or may not sound hokey to you, but there's a reason repetitive affirmation of truth has persisted in so many different cultures, for so long. If you're too tired or busy to engage with ideas on a critical, analytical level, just find a phrase that is true and repeat it. It can be "Jesus loves me anyway," it can be "I am Kenough," just make sure you believe it is true and soak in it.

The other thing you can do is reduce the amount of triggers in your life. Triggers are sometimes obvious, like IG models or a provocative scene in a film or show, but often they are stressful events, or gaps of boredom. You can work on cutting those out as well. And finally, you are under less stress when you take care of your body. I don't think it's a coincidence that guys often are more successful at excising porn from their lives when it is part of a comprehensive self-improvement campaign. When you take control of your diet, cutting out empty carbs and oils and inflammatory agents, adding necessary nutrients, and when you exercise to add elevated heart rate, resistance, tension, and sweat to your life, you find your baseline stress is reduced. Cut down on screens and other blue light, and get to bed at a decent time, and you're doing that much better.

 

I think it is best summed up as "Self esteem is gained when you accumulate evidence that you are who you say you are."

The pressure relieves when you find alternate ways to process stress, and your brain learns to trust those methods. The panic dies down when you build a record of success, and feel justified in confidence that you can live without the crutch of your vices. You go from "I am an addict who does not like myself and would prefer I did not do the things I do," to "I am a human who does the best I can with the information and resources I have, and my best is good enough to beat my vices and conduct myself in a manner consistent with my values."

Look at me, spouting wisdom like Augustine. I have 4 days too.

 

In my opinion, that expert sucks and shouldn't be practicing. The idea that a professional therapist would actually counsel a spouse to keep infidelity a secret is pure insanity.

No one said anything about telling his family and his friends. But his wife needs to know.

It will be virtually impossible for him to forgive himself as long as he knows he's withholding secrets about his infidelity.

 

You and your friends sound like real stand-up guys.

^^^ See above.

 

I'm pissed off because cheating on someone is horrible, you know it's horrible, and you're acting like it isn't. I'm also pissed because people--and especially the people who you'd claim to love most, like, oh, your wife--should have the freedom to choose their own destinies in life based on the truth of their circumstances. It is selfish, un-loving, and unfair to withhold vital information from your spouse just to cover your own ass in an attempt to avoid consequences. You can claim to be a loving husband all you like, but that is the compartmentalizing insanity of addiction--the truth is that your wife is currently deceived into believing she's married to a man who has been faithful to her.

And look, I'm not pointing fingers because of the infidelity. I was unfaithful repeatedly in my marriage. But eventually I laid it all out. Yes, it was brutally painful. Yes, there were many times I tried to avoid it. But the only path in recovery is the path of rigorous honesty.

Every single partner of every single addict I've ever befriended, counseled, or served in treatment with--and I mean 100% of them--said the lying was worse for them than the infidelity. I mean, how could it not be?

Cure himself? How exactly is he supposed to do that--just try harder in the future?

And how is he supposed to "seek help for sex addiction" when his wife doesn't know he's a sex addict? Is he supposed to hide his recovery from her, too? How can she be a help to him if he doesn't tell her about it? Or should he maybe do sort of a "half-truth" by telling her he's struggling with porn, but not with actual infidelity? You know--a clever way to engage her support as a cheerleader, while simultaneously keeping his betrayal a secret?

Here's a question: you said--

And yet, you claim you've stopped cheating on your wife. Why did you stop? I mean, after all, what she'll never know won't hurt her, right?

 

Who wouldn't want an extra 1/2 inch, but still for all that effort, it's not that beneficial. I do think with all the effort I did, my flacid length is probably bigger and maybe some girth, but nothing real noticeable. Did it cause you to masturbate more while you were doing all that? I found all the exercises and attention just charged me up sexually in ways I couldn't diffuse. Did you have any injuries associated?

 

Cheating is wrong, I agree 100%. I also regret my actions a lot and so I am very proud to say that I do not make these mistakes anymore. I do not go out to clubs and I have quit drinking alcohol which unfortunately played a large factor in my actions. So with that part I agree with you.

However, my opinion is a bit more nuanced than your assessment. The cheating happened 3 years ago and my marriage is very stable and good. We are also expecting a baby. So in my opinion I am not helping anyone by coming clean now. I only make things a lot more complicated and I think I damage everyone. In this kind of situation silence is the better alternative. Sometimes it is better to not tell. What is your stance on this?

 

I found jelquing would be triggering. And I guess noticing it was pumped up and looking chunky id want to use it on some lucky female lol. But wearing the stretcher was probably a good way of keeping my hands off it at night and didn’t stimulate it at all

 

Maybe you should tell her when she’s giving birth under your breath. Hopefully she won’t hear you and then you’ve kind of been honest. The whole 12 step system seems to have a vibe of misery loves company. In my opinion. And besides one of the steps is to make amends unless it would cause more harm so that’s another contradiction.

 

I think personally the police should be contacted too and he should get tasered naked in public.

 

Very rational non-emotional logical comment

 

Not a contradiction if you understand what amends is. Also, if 12 step is misery loves company, how is nofap any better? At least the steps provides a structured program to work through proven recovery principals, not just a bunch of guys talking randomly on a subject.

 

I think it’s all getting a bit boring and ridiculous tbh so thought I’d lighten it up with some humour . I think OP has decided that he’s not going to tell his wife but is going to work at ending his out of control behaviour and hopefully get some therapy. It just seems odd that he’s getting grilled to “confess his sins” by some angry religious people. It doesn’t affect their life in any way so why do they want him to cause himself loads of stress at an already messed up time. How about he works on recovery gets himself to a more stable position and then decides for himself or with the help of someone trained whether it would be beneficial to do so. I’m mean come on rehabs are designed to be soothing and give you the best chance of recovery. So it doesn’t make much sense to have a possible divorce, moving house and labelled as a homosexual cuck on top of his struggles.

 

Ahhhh I misunderstood you then, I fully 100% agree with this statement.

I thought you literally meant that I should get lasered in public LOL. Apologies that I did not understand your sarcasm

 

Haha cool no worries man

 

For starters Nofap believes with work addiction can be overcome. I was constantly told in all of the 12 step groups that there was no cure and I needed except this and to surrender to the program..ing and just take one day at a time! We humbley asked god to remove our defects…. Yet he can’t remove my addiction! Why? Is that asking a bit too much of the man in the clouds who created the whole universe? It was designed for alcohol you obviously realise! And with that there’s a 3% success rate.. Nofap is about self improvement and encouragement not sitting with a load of brainwashed pedos telling me I need to surrender and repent to some dude in the clouds for getting horny and wasting money on hookers

 

The opposite of addiction is connection. Addicts have a mal adaptive coping mechanism of turning to their addiction rather than turning towards people. They have learned/believe that people can’t be trusted. In order to be intimate you must be able to connect. Many sex addicts can’t even be intimate during sex. They find they need to fantasize about something else. Intimacy involves being honest, being vulnerable, letting those closest to you know you. Into me see….. if you are lying you are not any of those. There is plenty of evidence to support this. It’s why honesty is such an important step in recovery. You cannot recover while you hide in shame. Addicts are selfish. Part of recovery is learning to truly care about others and to be selfless. Lying only serves the addict.