This is the beginning of a new journal. (Old Journal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...this-goes-journal.157049/page-22#post-1831647) My goal in 2018 was no masturbation and while I didn't do it perfectly, I more or less cut my masturbation in half from 2017. Less masturbation means less orgasms and less porn, both of which leave me with more. More confidence, self-esteem, energy, focus, determination. My goal this year is to cut it down by about half again, to roughly 24 times in 2019 or twice a month. It should be noted that I'm single. If (and when) I get a sexual partner this year, then that will change everything. And hopefully I will end up masturbating even less. And as for the porn? Well, that needs to go. I used to look at it for several hours a night, every night. Fantasy, erotic thoughts, filled much of the rest of my waking hours. I couldn't focus on much else. It's definitely gotten better. I haven't looked at porn in 6 days now, and hopefully I can minimise or eliminate it this year. At this point, I would like to say that my drug of choice has been cuckold fantasies, femdom and a whole lot of humiliation porn. Quitting masturbation has always been tricky for me. When I started experiencing premature ejaculation and cumming in my pants during my reboot last year, what did I end up doing? Searching for humiliation videos and images about those things - all I needed was a hot girl saying "Omg, did you just cum in your pants? Lol!" and I'd be off on another run. This year my approach is going to be different (at least the start. Last year came with a host of surprises, so who knows how this year will end). My cuckold fantasies really came into the forefront almost 14 years ago as my relationship was falling apart. For a long time I embraced it, and sought it out. I wanted to experience some, but not all, aspects of cuckoldry, humiliation and emasculation. It obviously got unhealthy and ended with nearly half of my attention, time and energy going into online dating and online porn. I hit a low point, and turned to SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). That was maybe 8 years ago. So, for years I have been getting better. Definitely getting better. But a lot of the fantasies haven't gone away. In some ways, they have gotten stronger. I have tried and tried to get rid of them. Which brings me to this moment. Now, I think I want to stop fighting it. Accept it. Regardless of where my addiction to cuckolding, sexual denial, emasculation and humiliation came from (i.e was I born this way, was it my fucked up childhood, or was it all the porn - or perhaps some combination of the three), I don't think it's going away. But here's the rub - I want to live it! I don't want to waste my life away fantasising about it, looking at porn and masturbating. This is why I am here. I want to get off of the porn and the masturbation and stop living half my life in the dark fantasies in my head. I want to get out in the real world and meet real girls and date. If they cuckold me, or humiliate me, or reject me, fine. Let it happen in real life. And, (worst case scenario) if I end up meeting a totally vanilla, monogamous girl who just wants to be with me, well, fine. Hopefully she's smoking hot and amazing. I slipped a lot over the last few months, but it also came with a lot of awareness and acceptance. I have some masculine and alpha qualities I think, but I also have a strong feminine side and in a lot of ways really am a beta male. I'm okay with that. There are a lot of positive qualities in all of that, and I both want and need to embrace it, because that is who I am. I know that a lot of guys are trying to be more alpha. That's great. I get it. I'm trying to build my body and boost my testosterone. In some ways, I guess that I really am trying to be more alpha myself, but I'm not trying to deny or suppress my beta male qualities. This isn't as clear and eloquent as I might like, but it's a start. And it's late. And I'm totally doing a great job staying off of caffeine. Plus I am starting out the year with six days of no P, M or O So here it is. My (major) goals for 2019 are: <14% body fat 10% increase in earnings Masturbate 24 times or less (i.e. 2x per month) Go down on 3 women and suck one really big cock Finish my thesis The last few days I have been wearing a chastity device when I'm at home. I don't know if I will continue this practice (I guess I will try it for awhile and see how it works), but my intention is to wear it when I'm at home - it seems to serve as the perfect reminder of what I am trying to accomplish . . . almost like a talisman. Perhaps I'll even start wearing it more often. Some cucks are in chastity 24/7. Maybe I should get used to it. Today I also took one of the two keys and put it on my keychain. My keys are with me almost all the time when I am out of the house. That will also help to serve as a reminder. I truly feel very, very optimistic about the year ahead. 2018 was brutal in many ways. This year should be better. I want to stop fantasising and start living. Porn is a lie and masturbation robs me of my vitality. If I can at least minimise both of those, I am confident that my life will be much more fulfilling. I had strange alpha-like feelings at work today . . . so, who knows? Maybe this is the year where my darkest cuckold fantasies become a reality, or maybe it will be the year where my alpha qualities come to the surface and the fantasies slip away. I guess we'll see. 365 days to go . . .