Less is More.

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by +TenPercent, Jan 1, 2019.

  1. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    This is the beginning of a new journal. (Old Journal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...this-goes-journal.157049/page-22#post-1831647) My goal in 2018 was no masturbation and while I didn't do it perfectly, I more or less cut my masturbation in half from 2017. Less masturbation means less orgasms and less porn, both of which leave me with more. More confidence, self-esteem, energy, focus, determination. My goal this year is to cut it down by about half again, to roughly 24 times in 2019 or twice a month.
    It should be noted that I'm single. If (and when) I get a sexual partner this year, then that will change everything. And hopefully I will end up masturbating even less.
    And as for the porn? Well, that needs to go. I used to look at it for several hours a night, every night. Fantasy, erotic thoughts, filled much of the rest of my waking hours. I couldn't focus on much else. It's definitely gotten better. I haven't looked at porn in 6 days now, and hopefully I can minimise or eliminate it this year.

    At this point, I would like to say that my drug of choice has been cuckold fantasies, femdom and a whole lot of humiliation porn. Quitting masturbation has always been tricky for me. When I started experiencing premature ejaculation and cumming in my pants during my reboot last year, what did I end up doing? Searching for humiliation videos and images about those things - all I needed was a hot girl saying "Omg, did you just cum in your pants? Lol!" and I'd be off on another run. :oops:

    This year my approach is going to be different (at least the start. Last year came with a host of surprises, so who knows how this year will end). My cuckold fantasies really came into the forefront almost 14 years ago as my relationship was falling apart. For a long time I embraced it, and sought it out. I wanted to experience some, but not all, aspects of cuckoldry, humiliation and emasculation. It obviously got unhealthy and ended with nearly half of my attention, time and energy going into online dating and online porn. I hit a low point, and turned to SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). That was maybe 8 years ago. So, for years I have been getting better. Definitely getting better. But a lot of the fantasies haven't gone away. In some ways, they have gotten stronger. I have tried and tried to get rid of them.

    Which brings me to this moment. Now, I think I want to stop fighting it. Accept it. Regardless of where my addiction to cuckolding, sexual denial, emasculation and humiliation came from (i.e was I born this way, was it my fucked up childhood, or was it all the porn - or perhaps some combination of the three), I don't think it's going away. But here's the rub - I want to live it! I don't want to waste my life away fantasising about it, looking at porn and masturbating. This is why I am here. I want to get off of the porn and the masturbation and stop living half my life in the dark fantasies in my head. I want to get out in the real world and meet real girls and date. If they cuckold me, or humiliate me, or reject me, fine. Let it happen in real life. And, (worst case scenario) if I end up meeting a totally vanilla, monogamous girl who just wants to be with me, well, fine. Hopefully she's smoking hot and amazing.

    I slipped a lot over the last few months, but it also came with a lot of awareness and acceptance. I have some masculine and alpha qualities I think, but I also have a strong feminine side and in a lot of ways really am a beta male. I'm okay with that. There are a lot of positive qualities in all of that, and I both want and need to embrace it, because that is who I am.

    I know that a lot of guys are trying to be more alpha. That's great. I get it. I'm trying to build my body and boost my testosterone. In some ways, I guess that I really am trying to be more alpha myself, but I'm not trying to deny or suppress my beta male qualities.

    This isn't as clear and eloquent as I might like, but it's a start. And it's late. And I'm totally doing a great job staying off of caffeine. Plus I am starting out the year with six days of no P, M or O :cool:

    So here it is. My (major) goals for 2019 are:
    • <14% body fat
    • 10% increase in earnings
    • Masturbate 24 times or less (i.e. 2x per month)
    • Go down on 3 women and suck one really big cock
    • Finish my thesis
    The last few days I have been wearing a chastity device when I'm at home. I don't know if I will continue this practice (I guess I will try it for awhile and see how it works), but my intention is to wear it when I'm at home - it seems to serve as the perfect reminder of what I am trying to accomplish . . . almost like a talisman. Perhaps I'll even start wearing it more often. Some cucks are in chastity 24/7. Maybe I should get used to it.

    Today I also took one of the two keys and put it on my keychain. My keys are with me almost all the time when I am out of the house. That will also help to serve as a reminder.

    I truly feel very, very optimistic about the year ahead. 2018 was brutal in many ways. This year should be better. I want to stop fantasising and start living. Porn is a lie and masturbation robs me of my vitality. If I can at least minimise both of those, I am confident that my life will be much more fulfilling. I had strange alpha-like feelings at work today . . . so, who knows? Maybe this is the year where my darkest cuckold fantasies become a reality, or maybe it will be the year where my alpha qualities come to the surface and the fantasies slip away.

    I guess we'll see. 365 days to go . . .
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019 at 1:22 PM
  2. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    1st day of the New Year - day 7 without P, M or O.
    Started out strong, ended pretty rough.
    Woke up early, shaved (I rarely do that in the morning) and hit the gym. Totally crushed it. Such a good workout. Helped that there was no one on the roads and only a handful of people in the gym at 6:45am. :cool:
    I felt fantastic, despite only getting about 5 hours of sleep . . .
    And then I worked for 8 to 9 hours. On a holiday - half the staff and twice as many customers. Ugh.
    I would have like to have started the year with 0mg of caffeine, and I held out for awhile, but ended up having a Coke (34mg caffeine). Not ideal. All that sugar makes it worse, but coffee would have had too much caffeine.
    I've been doing really well with avoiding fantasy and edging, and therefore haven't suffered much from lust and arousal. That's been really nice. But it's not easy. And as the day got more and more miserable, it's pretty tempting to want to edge, just a little, for a little rush of arousal and adrenaline. I really struggled with checking my phone. All day, there wasn't really anything there, nothing titillating. That's what I was hoping for.
    Did not do so well this evening. So freaking tired. Body so sore (not muscle sore from working out, more achy sore from exhaustion). I took a bath. That might have been my mistake because that meant not putting my chastity device on right away. In the bath I looked at some online profiles, some photos being a bit racy . . . a path I really don't need to go down. Ending up sending a message to a woman that I'm not really interested in, but hoping that she might write back for a little sexy conversation :oops:

    Two things that might be relevant. My mother told me to call tonight. Not asked, told. I don't like that. I don't want to. I really don't feel like it. But I probably will I missed her the last time that I called and at least I know that she's expecting a call. :rolleyes:

    The other is about a cute girl at work. We've been getting along well and I imagined that there was at least a chance that it could turn into something. She's cute, kind of tomboy (which can be a good match for me as I'm a bit of a sissy) and while we don't work together directly, we've had a lot of friendly exchanges. Today there was a radio call for her that her boyfriend was there to meet her. Could be nothing. Could be a joke. She seemed surprised and was almost like what boyfriend?
    One of the first thoughts that went through my head was well, I shouldn't be dating anyone at work anyway as well as and I wasn't really that interested, anyway. It's still a bit crushing. I had a bit of hope. I lost some of that hope today. I don't really have any other "prospects" at the moment. So it left me feeling pretty empty, and lonely. That's why it might not be so surprising that I would look online to drum up a little activity.:rolleyes:

    That's all. Very grateful that I am so far on track with my fitness and my NoFap goals.
    Now to get this phone call over with so that I can get some sleep!!!

    (and a bit frustrated that I am so worn out, not much energy that could be used to set myself up for success tomorrow - like prepping a healthy lunch)
     
  3. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 2nd - not feeling very well, physically. Worn out. But, I'm on day 8 and doing surprisingly well with my NoFap goals. It feels like I haven't felt this good since early last year. For much of last year, the arousal was always bugging me, my mind kept slipping into fantasy, I kept edging, I often felt like I was about to cum, I would fight it (the urges) and fight it until the willpower seemed to run out, then I would slip again.

    Right now everything feels so clean, and healthy. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think most of it is my mental game. I see a girl in a sexy outfit . . it catches me off guard. I feel a rush of arousal, but just a little. I want to look again (and that is where the shame would kick in, and adrenaline, and more arousal) but . . . I just don't, most of the time anyway. I let it go. I appreciate what I saw, but I don't go creepily trying to get another look. I think about my goals. Its a bit like drugs and alcohol. I can always get drunk tomorrow, but not today - one day at a time. When I feel that arousal, I remind myself that I can get more of that arousal, a lot more, by looking at porn. So, just let it go. For now, let me experience not being constantly aroused 24/7.

    Very grateful for how well I am doing with my goals. I think that the chastity device is really helping a lot. In the past I used it as a last resort - something to try to avert imminent disaster after too much fantasy and edging, after enjoying too much arousal. Now, I am trying to get into the habit of putting it on as soon as I can when I get home from work . . . before the fantasy and edging, before the arousal. So far it seems to work! :)
    (but also already nervous . . . I'll be travelling to Europe soon. How will I get by without it? Do I bring it with me??)

    At work today, I ended up cleaning some dishes for a cute girl that I like and it felt really nice. :)
    Normally, I'm not exactly a fan of cleaning dishes. But this time it felt good. It felt nice to do something kind of "domestic" for her. She didn't see me do it and it's absolutely possible that she will never know that I did that, but it still felt nice. Also, by doing so, I was indirectly helping out her and two other people (a girl and a guy) and that felt good, too. I did something today that helped three people, three people that I like. I got to be of service. :)

    And then there's my work crush, the woman who's existence has been tormenting me for almost a year now. Hadn't seen her in over a week, holidays and all. I ended up going up the stairs just behind her. My first inclination was to immediately change course so that I wasn't awkwardly behind her, but I tried to act like I don't care and that she doesn't totally rule my world . . . so I continued. She was wearing a skirt. Not that I could see up it, but I couldn't not notice her legs in front of me. :rolleyes: At the top of the stairs, I again tried to just go about my business as we both moved in roughly the same direction, through a fairly crowded area . . .

    Then, her head flips back. Just for a second. She looks right at my and then immediately snaps her head back. It's amazing how she does that! It's like she senses me somehow and knows exactly where I am! She's even done it when she should have no way of knowing that I was there. Does she hear me? Does she smell me? What is it??

    Over the past month or so I was feeling invisible to her. :( But the way she did that glance at me, she obviously knows that I exist. I am sure that she is interested in me but . . how interested? Is she actually available. Is she just playing games? I know that she loves male attention. Is she just trying to keep me on the hook??

    Later in the office, I had an impulse to go up to her cubicle and say, "Hi! How are you? I haven't talked to you for awhile, so I thought I would drop by? How was your holiday . . ." The fact that I had that thought, and that it really felt like something that I could almost do is a very good sign! :) It's like I'm starting to get my balls back. I honestly think it has a lot to do with my recent / current NoFap success.

    But then I think . . . can I really do that? Is it really appropriate for me to approach this woman at her desk for a purely social visit? I might go up to a friend like that, but I still don't know her that well. And, she's in HR . . . if it turned out to be an unwelcome advance, I'd be screwed! :eek:

    Ironically, in hindsight, I see that maybe the staircase would have been more appropriate. It's a bit frustrating that after working together for nearly 10 months, our paths just hardly ever cross. We work different days, slightly different hours. Oh well, just gotta let it go. See what happens next.

    Killed it at the gym again this morning. 20mg of caffeine so far (half a NUUN caffeine / electrolyte tab - so, no sugar) - but I feel like crap. Not as tired as yesterday, but headache and upset stomach. Grateful to be home and done with work for today.
     
  4. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 3rd - Wow, so much has happened! I easily could have slipped a few times, how sad that would have been to have that happen so early on in the year.

    I will get to the slippiness but first, the good news: I talked with my work crush today!!! :)
    Brief interaction, but I had the gumption to make it happen, just outside of the break room (I think she was on her way to the bathroom). I asked about her holidays, she asked about mine. Told her that I worked, but it's okay as I'm going to be taking about ten days off soon. She asked if I was going anywhere fun and I told her that I was going to Belgium and the Netherlands and then she said . . .
    "Oh yeah, that's right. You suck." :p
    I honestly can't remember what happened after that. I barely remember the conversation at all, just that one part. It ended shortly after, but what was said?? Who cares, really? That statement really blew me away.
    How the hell does she know that I am travelling to Europe? I've only told one person and I keep it pretty low key, but clearly she's been paying a bit of attention . . . :)
    (Ironically, it could be the married alpha male that she's always talking to. I get along pretty well with him and he knows about my frequent travels, though not about this trip, so maybe he's the one who told her about how I go to Europe a lot. Interesting . . . )
    And . . . she told me that I suck. That's awesome!!! :):):)
    It's a very, very playful thing to say. Friendly. Not at all professional. If a woman in HR tells me that I suck, then she has just opened the door for more casual and friendly interaction. :)

    My head was spinning after that. I didn't know what to do. I got blue balls. I took an early lunch, because I just couldn't concentrate. Later, I drank a Coke, and perhaps it was the caffeine, but I felt a strange tingly and pulsing feeling in my penis. I felt like I was about to cum, nor orgasm per se, but that I was going to have an emission.

    I'm wearing my chastity device. Safe and secure. I really feel like it's helping me (though nervous about what I will do when it's not an option - for example, I'm getting waxed tomorrow, so I probably won't be able to wear it until Saturday). I need to check my previous journal, but I think this may be my 6th or 7th day of doing this and it really seems to be working.

    Well, last night I thought I would look at other devices. See if I can find one that is just a little bit more comfortable (doesn't pinch as much, mostly). Long story short, I ended up buying one because it was on sale and
    they had a special where every purchase that day gets a free 9" realistic dildo
    . Even paid quite a bit for expedited shipping :rolleyes:
    So, that was kind of slippery. In a way, it's totally in line with two of my goals for 2019, so maybe not a bad choice, especially if I could just make the purchase and forget about it.
    But . . . I posted online as I was looking for reviews of the device and I had a question about wearing it in the bath or shower. Then, totally unexpected, not one but two women in other states contacted me!! That rarely happens. And, both women are amazing. One was an old chat-buddy from months ago that saw that I was active, the other was
    a really gorgeous woman on the East Coast who had just dumped her cuck and was looking for another man to cuckold! It's hard to believe that women like this exist outside of porn!!
    I had meant to go to bed early, but with two women writing me, I felt like I had to stay online and keep writing to them lest they lose interest. That was challenging and very slippery to essentially be sexting with these women and I got pretty aroused. :rolleyes: It could have led to a slip. :oops: On the upside, although I am really trying to avoid arousal, at least this would have been engaging in activity with real women, online, but very real. Much better than my usual porn and fantasy / all in my head.

    There were a couple of other interesting experiences with two other cute girls at work, but I think I have already written enough for today. The work crush experience trumps all of it.

    So what do I do now?? I have to let it go. I could so easily go into fantasy, or start edging. The last 24 hours have been quite a ride, but if I don't want the ride taking me down, then I have to let it go. There were times when it felt like it was almost too late, but it wasn't. The arousal passes eventually. And, if I don't feed into it, I should be able to stay on track.

    Easier said than done. I would be more optimistic if I could relax most of the weekend. But I have a 5000 word paper to write. :eek: Ideally in the next two days. I haven't even started yet. :oops: That kind of stress will fuck my world up and I'm already feeling it today.

    34 mg of caffeine today. Ate pretty healthy. Killed it at the gym again. That makes seven days in a row of either gym or yoga. Lifting with my trainer tomorrow morning. Getting waxed in the afternoon. Have a massage booked for Saturday.

    It's been such a long week . . .
     
  5. Djam-23

    Djam-23 Fapstronaut

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    I think it's the truth, when you try to stop masturbation for one year in your new year resolutions, you will probably start very motivated but eventually you will leave and you will need resistance, you are planning to start on January 1st but fail that day, so start the 3 January, I think it does not matter the date or the number you start at?
     
  6. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 4th - feel like my body is wanting to release so bad!! :eek:

    I think I am doing well. I really do. Trying so hard. Not looking at porn, not edging, not fantasising. Doing my best to make good choices, but it's also hard to be completely asexual . . . in fact, I'm not trying to be asexual. I want to have real sexual experiences with real women, not in my mind and with my hand.

    Today started out pretty well. No arousal, though I do have high stress / mounting anxiety with a lot going on at work and a large paper to write and a trip to Europe in a couple of days . . .

    Lifted with my trainer today. There was a woman there with an amazing ass . . . I saw that ever so briefly out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't take a second look. But then, I kept seeing her again and again. I'm with my trainer doing upright rows at a bench in front of the mirror and she's at the next bench, bending over again and again right next to me and I can see it all in the mirror. Still, I held up pretty well. But, soon after, as I was doing bicycle curls which involves doing curl up with alternating knees coming up to meet in the middle, my penis was rubbing agains my underwear as I lifted my my legs up and I felt like I was about to cum. Luckily, I my trainer only had me do two sets of that exercise instead of the usual three - I was so relieved!

    After the gym I went to Costco (which has triggered me in the past because it is overstimulating for me) and as I was walking in the parking lot, I again felt like I was nearly going to ejaculate! :eek: What's interesting is that it was totally involuntary. I had no sexual thoughts in my mind. I did not feel aroused. And my clothes were not rubbing against my genitals. I think that I had simply worked out really really hard and all the endorphins in my body, perhaps coupled with anxiety, were enough that it almost made me ejaculate.

    The feeling passed, and actually Costco wasn't too darn overstimulating. But I had a bad case of blue balls before I left.

    And then I realised that I only had a little bit of time before my waxing appointment. Eek! So, there I am stressed again and almost full blown panicked by the time I was getting ready to leave my apartment to walk to the appointment. Turns out that the walk did me good. It's below freezing and the cold really put a damper on things.

    And then came the waxing. Luckily it was uneventful but I always get a little aroused when I get waxed. I thought it would be quick, and it started off really well, and the conversation flowed which kept me distracted from her hands on my penis. But the waxing took longer than usual (perhaps because the conversation was good) and then there was a lull in the conversation . . . at which point it's hard not to notice the feel of her hand down there and I started getting erect. Luckily she noticed, and got the conversation going again, but I again felt pretty close to cumming (as had happened once last year, after 31 days without an orgasm).

    End of story is that I still haven't turned to P or M and haven't O'd but my body is really wound up right now!!

    I feel a little bit better having written this all out, but I'm nervous. If I have an involuntary O, a truly involuntary O, then that wouldn't be so bad. But I have often given into the pressure and "helped it out" a little. And if I don't O, I might be wound up for hours, highly distracted and tempted to act out. :rolleyes:

    Hopefully I will have stories of success to share in my next check-in!
     
    jwitcher likes this.
  7. jwitcher

    jwitcher Fapstronaut

    Dude I'm following your journal, since it is very inspiring for me.
    Keep it up, keep battling the urges. They're pesky and come up in different shapes, haha. ;)
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  8. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    I mostly agree. I think that we can start resolutions at any time. And it's mostly ego that gets attached to these perfect streaks. But Jan 1 is still a great opportunity for getting off to a good start. In 2018, the first few months were the best and the last few were kind of a hot mess, but when I look back at the year, it's amazing to see how much better 2018 was than the years prior. I had 43 orgasms in 2018, 40 of which I would count as masturbation. Hopefully I can do a little better this year. :)
     
    Djam-23 likes this.
  9. Djam-23

    Djam-23 Fapstronaut

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    I also started the year with all my strength, then disastrous things happened to me when I returned to the PMO again. I did not think very well and that's why they robbed me, I lost my bike later, and I respect my colleagues and people, sound stupid, but was the really happen, one thing leads to the other, it's a chain, that's when you start Nofap, eventually it takes you to other good things and you form a chain
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  10. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Yeah, when I get lost in PMO, I lose track of everything else, and my life starts to fall apart. It's a downward spiral as my despair over my crumbling life just makes me want to PMO more and eventually I end up looking at humiliation porn so I can see hot women laughing at me for being a loser who masturbates too much. :oops:

    We're breaking that chain! :emoji_chains::emoji_confounded::emoji_muscle::emoji_rocket:
     
    Djam-23 likes this.
  11. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 4th (PM) Doing much much better :)
    Blue balls, but no urges, no arousal. Not sure how I lucked out, but I feel like my mental game is back on track. I took a late afternoon nap, maybe that's what did it. It was hard to get going again, but later I felt an inexplicable surge of energy - I was listening to Madonna actually, a lot of love songs, but from a woman's perspective. It made me think of my work crush. "Crazy for you" really got me. What if she's crushing on me as hard as I am on her, just waiting for me to make a fucking move already!!
    To be honest, besides fear and insecurity, I haven't asked her out because the time wasn't right for me. Grad school on top of a career is extremely gruelling and puts enormous strain on relationships. It might have been nice to date a little or find someone to fool around with, but this woman deserves better. I wouldn't want to start dating her and then not have any time or energy for her. :oops: But now, I am so close to the end, I don't want to wait anymore. I'll see her on Monday. And I fly to Brussels on Tuesday. I should really grow a pair and make sure that I talk to her on Monday . . .

    I still have a paper to write. But Madonna (haha!) showed me that there are more important things in life. I felt very motivated to keep my body moving and to get a lot done around my apartment. Even hung a picture on the wall that was long overdue.

    No caffeine today.

    And had my measurements taken when I lifted with my trainer today. 17.8% body fat. I've gained a few pounds, but I have gained muscle as well. Not too bad, I thought it would be a little higher. Getting under 14% is very, very doable. (I was at 14.3% this time last year, before all hell broke loose)

    Planning to get good sleep tonight. Wake up early-ish and hopefully start writing that paper. I have a massage scheduled for the afternoon. It would be really, really nice if I could at least make some progress on the paper before that. We'll see. My modus operandi is to wait until the very last minute, and I often don't get started on schoolwork until Saturday evening, despite having to work on Sundays. :rolleyes: If that's how it ends up, so be it. This will be my last paper before my thesis and sooner or later I will be on the other side of it.
     
  12. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 5th (AM) - felt fine when I went to bed, which was really nice. But as soon as I tried to go to sleep, I had all kinds of fantasies, dark fantasies. My mind went straight for the most powerful ones - like i
    being rejected by my work crush for having a small penis or imaging her with another man
    which didn't even get me that aroused, but left me with my heart racing so I couldn't sleep. Eventually I would start drifting off to sleep and then . . . another fantasy about an ex-gf pops into my head and my heart starts racing again.
    I've made it to day 11. And I'm not feeling much arousal (or blue balls) but I have a headache and I feel like I hardly slept at all last night. :(
    My plan was to get a good nights sleep and start working on my paper first thing in the morning. Now I feel like taking a nap, instead . . . ugh.
     
  13. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 5th (noon) - the anxiety and the arousal are only getting worse as I continue to not write my paper! :eek:

    I've hit the panic button several times just now. It helps. I feel like I'm about to explode. I feel like I should just masturbate and get all this arousal out of my system. I recall the time when I masturbated once and almost immediately started writing and busted out an 8 page paper after busting a nut. But . . . it doesn't alway work that way.

    I will write this paper. Regardless. Maybe weeks after it's due, but it will get done. Can't give in to the urge to M, that would really throw me off from my goals. I might take a short walk, in the cold. Get some "fresh air". I used my chastity device and that helped, even did a short yoga practice with it on . . . but then I got in the shower and let the streams of water batter gently against my penis through the device . . . it felt so freakin good! But, it's edging, and after that my balls were so sore that I had to take it off.

    Made some herbal tea. I have a massage scheduled in a few hours. If I could just get this paper started before I leave for that . . .
     
  14. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 6th (AM) - I feel like a failure :( My stress level is so high and I didn't just crack, I crumbled.
    Last night I got maybe a page and a half done of my paper. Then I decided to lie down on my couch and take a nap, not sure in that moment if I was just going to call it a night and get some good sleep or feel refreshed after the nap and work on the paper. About 2 hours later . . . I wake up, still sleepy and decided fuck it, I'm going to bed. At that point, it was still not a terrible, terrible decision . . .

    But then I got into bed, couldn't sleep and edged. I still harbour this foolish notion that if I'm horny enough and if I edge myself right before I fall asleep, that I will somehow fall asleep and orgasm in my sleep, thus getting a "freebie". IT NEVER WORKS OUT THAT WAY! Why can't I get that??

    I do understand that I struggled a lot this weekend. I had a lot of pent up sexual energy (driven by stress and anxiety) and my balls felt like they were ready to explode. My body really, really, really wanted to orgasm. What would have happened if I had just masturbated and had that orgasm? Would I have slept soundly? Would I have gotten more work done on my paper?

    Last night I spent hours in that nonsense, dredging up every conceivable fantasy, and moving my body in ways to bring myself right to the very edge of orgasm, so incredibly close that I could have easily slipped over the edge and would have had to call it M. Then I would have felt like a fool for not just M'ing in the first place and getting it over with in a few minutes. :rolleyes:

    I wanted to look at porn so bad. I didn't. And technically I didn't MO. So I am still on track with my NoFap goals but it doesn't feel good. :(

    Now I get to go into work with all these feelings of failure and pent-up sexual energy. :oops:

    I have a ten hour work day. Work is extremely stressful at the moment. Snow and icy roads are predicted. I did do 20 minutes of yoga just now. No caffeine yesterday. Leaving for Europe in less than 48 hours. Hopefully I can get a little work done on my paper this evening and prepare for my trip!!
     
  15. Djam-23

    Djam-23 Fapstronaut

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    I also relapse today January 6, I think the best thing is to start again tomorrow, although when you fall back my head returns to a negative "Mindset" and the OCD starts attacking me telling me ... this date looks better than this to begin with, or I feel more comfortable with this number on date Of start. If it sounds very fucked up, there are only 1 week to go back to school. I do not want to go back to my studies as an F * zombie, but my ocd fucks me a lot.
     
  16. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    I totally understand. I imagine that some dates are somehow more magical that others. The best date is the soonest one. And, we have to make choices. Tough choices. I do not count last night as a relapse since I did not O (and therefore did not MO, and I did not look at P). But I really don't know if I would be better off if I had. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm just trying to be healthier. I'm not sure that spending hours in fantasy and edging last night is in anyway better than if I had just masturbated quickly, gotten it over with, and had a good night's sleep.
    But, of course, that is a question for last night. What's done is done. Today I felt better. I felt awful actually, but the arousal and pressing urge to orgasm were not as strong. If I can make healthy choices tonight, maybe tomorrow will be a little better still.
     
    Djam-23 likes this.
  17. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 6th (PM) - rough day, but doing better. Worked 10 hours. Work is very stressful right now. Tomorrow will likely be a long work day, and we are expecting snow all night, so I might have a crap ride in the morning. (I hope not! I really want to go to the gym before work!!)
    Doing the best I can with what I have. Flying to Europe Tuesday morning. Early. I still have that damned paper to write . . . but I think I might pack tonight. Travel, work and school are all very stressful, but if I can at least plan my trip a little and pack, then maybe then I won't have that stress hanging over me while I deal with work stress tomorrow. After work, maybe I can get some progress done on the paper. I wrote one of my last papers in a hotel room in Japan. I don't want to, but maybe I'll have to finish this paper in a hotel room in Belgium . . . not the end of the world.

    34mg of caffeine today. So far, anyway. Ate too much sugar. I did have strange feeling in my penis today like I was maybe about to cum. Very awkward feeling. It really made me want to masturbate (at work!:eek:) to get that feeling to go away. I was tempted, very tempted. But I made it through. And, overall, today's sexual challenges were not as hard as yesterday's. If I can make healthy choices, tomorrow might be a little better. :cool:

    There's a virus going around at work that's making some people really sick. All the more reason to make healthier choices this evening. Hopefully I will go to bed at a reasonable hour . . . and then not edge myself all night!! Just sleep.
     
  18. Djam-23

    Djam-23 Fapstronaut

    48
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    So you do not fall back ?, you were bordering? ..., for that part I think that the best thing would not be to fall back and throw everything because Fuck and edge so I'm going to take advantage for Fap, NO MEN, do not do it alone I'm tired of this addiction and all the problems that came with it, I want to return to just LIVE and have a SIMPLE life, not so complicated with obsessive thoughts, anyway ... the best thing you can do is reset the counter but do not fall ... and the last tip, do not remember the date Puta or the days, or think about something related to PMO so be it good or bad, do not go so much in the forum of Nofap, it will only take you to FAp, just forget this of the PMO, no longer what you want and keep going. God bless my friend !.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  19. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Jan 7th - Leaving for Europe tomorrow. Very sad. Feel like life is just too much for me. :(
    Saw my work crush leaving work today with the alpha male and then they got into her car . . .
     
  20. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    It's certainly possible that it's nothing. Maybe they are just friends. He is married. But also very alpha and he always seems to hang out with the hottest girls . . . and she is (as far as I'm concerned), the hottest girl.

    Of course, there is a chance that there is some hanky-panky going on and that can be an extremely triggering thought for me! :eek: My almost knee-jerk reaction was to imagine the worst and then masturbate. I would have felt very pathetic indeed if seeing I ended up masturbating and cumming in my pants all because of seeing the girl of my dreams with another man :oops:

    Here's how it unfolded: I worked late, very stressed out trying to cover all of my bases before leaving work for 12 days. On Thursday I had had a very promising interaction with her. Over the weekend I imagined myself having a bit of gumption and making it a point to try to talk to her some more on Monday (today), perhaps ask her if she'd like me to bring her anything back from Europe . . . but I was so busy and stressed today that I didn't even see her until the late afternoon, when I saw her sitting in a meeting (and made eye contact through the window).
    Later as I'm wrapping up and scrambling to get out of there, I don't see her but I see indications at her desk that she's still there. Weird, why would she be working late? In the past, they might have immediately triggered me to think of the alpha male, because he always works late and they seem to spend a lot of time together. This time, I stayed cool, and just imagined that she was busy, too, and probably had a lot of work to catch up on. :cool:
    Then I hear one of the girls who works for the alpha male, "Is she going to take you, then?" Immediately, I imagined that the "she" she was talking about was my work crush. :eek:
    I didn't know what any of it was about, but got the feeling that he was going to be leaving soon. As was I. So I made sure not to dally too much, wrapped things up, gathered my things and left the office . . . which means going by her desk and, yup, there he was, talking with her.
    I was actually a little frustrated that I had left too early and didn't catch them walking out together. Because then, I might never know . . . So, when I got to my car, I called a friend. It was a pretence, and excuse for lingering in the parking lot. And, right as I started to leave a voicemail, I saw them come walking out the building. They even ended up walking in between the cars right in front of me, so they were walking right towards me as I sat in my car, trying (and failing) to leave a coherent message.
    Then they turned, and walked towards her car. And I felt pretty foolish and pathetic for "spying" on them like that. :oops:
    Funny thing is, once I finished my call and managed to start driving home, I am almost positive that I saw her car pulling out of a car dealership. Why would he not drive himself home? It's very possible that his car was in the shop for the day and he just needed a ride to pick it up. That would explain why one of the girls on his team asked that question. It's all above board. No secrets. It really could be nothing . . .

    But it tears me up. I am so frustrated that he's managed to get close to her, and it just seems like I can't. Our paths almost never cross. She works in HR, and he's lost most of his team, so he's probably been working with her a lot trying to hire new people :rolleyes: . I really have no reason to go to HR. I could just walk up to her and ask her out on a date, but . . . that's pretty risky on many levels. Then I might end up having a real HR issue!! :eek:

    And, I am so fucking tired. Burned the fuck out from two years of chronic stress. (I did it to myself, but) Two years of grad school on top of a very stressful job. I have not managed to do well with either of them. So close to done, so close that I can almost taste it. Two weeks from now all that I will have left is the thesis. Today, this evening, I felt like quitting. 5 minutes before the miracle. It is so painful to watch the girl of my dreams developing a relationship with another man and seemingly slipping through my fingers while I struggle to deal with the intense stress of work and school. :oops:

    34mg of caffeine today. So far. Hit the gym before work. Spun out on ice and nearly died on my way there. Work is done. I'm half packed for my trip. Leaving in less than 9 hours. Need to finish packing, hopefully get some sleep, and not oversleep. And I still have a 5000 word paper to write that is due on Friday.
     

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