Sex addict looking for advice

Exactly, so just share your addiction to porn and that you are seeking help and that you can use her support. Do not share all details.

 

You get professional help. A good csat. Whatever you do, don’t just dump it on her and don’t build up to it or trickle truth. I’m honestly shocked by how many women stay and try and get through this. One would think it would be an immediate death sentence for every relationship. I know literally thousands of partners trying to work through this. If you didn’t have attraction before porn then you’re probably not bi. If you did, then it’s probably a sexual template for you. You won’t know until you get a lot of sobriety.

 

In the beginning my husband had to make drastic changes just to stay sober. We had a lot of professional help. Shame is one of the driving forces in addiction. You go back to using to drown out and numb the shame you feel. That’s why it’s so important to identify your root causes and to get where you can openly talk about your addiction. Try sa/saa/celebrate recovery groups. You don’t have to agree with everything in order for it to help. Find accountability partners that you can call and talk to regularly.

 

You can do this man! Just believe in yourself and find things to do to avoid the temptations of looking up porn again. Can I give you some suggestions that work for me?
- Fitness
- Walking
- Cooking
- phone away and talking with your wife
- Working
- Music
- Cleaning

 

Two really great books -Treating Pornography Addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner and Unwanted by Jay Stringer
First get sober. Then get into recovery. Addiction is a beast and this one is by far one of the hardest to beat. Out of the Shadows by Carnes is a great workbook too. I think they all have a religious bent but if you can get through without putting too much thought about the religious aspect they are really helpful.

 

I give you credit for admitting that it was wrong. You just threw me off when you originally said you (and your friends) didn't regret cheating. And good job, sincerely, for making changes that have helped you get away from those behaviors for the past 3 years.

It depends on your definition of "better." If "better" means keeping the marriage together at all costs, then I suppose it's better not to tell. If "better" means living in honesty, then it's not better to keep secrets. I personally land in the second camp, but I understand why someone would prefer the first one.

The difficult thing about your situation is that your wife doesn't get a vote.

 

I guarantee you every single rehab facility for sex addiction will mandate full disclosure to a spouse. It's impossible to move forward in a healthy marriage if you won't allow a wife to know the full truth of what she's dealing with. If you're an addict living in the shadows, hiding your behavior from your wife, you'll always wonder if she would still love and support you if she knew the truth. But if you bring the truth to the forefront, and if she decides to stay with you, then you have something incredibly special--someone who loves you despite your infidelity and who is willing to stand by you in your recovery. And you won't have to keep secrets anymore. It's an incredibly liberating feeling.

I don't think I've mentioned religion once in this thread. Infidelity isn't wrong just because the Bible says so. It's wrong because it's emotionally catastrophic for a partner who exchanged vows and who genuinely loves their addicted spouse.

I agree that getting help for himself is a good idea. I've never suggested otherwise. But I did say that at some point his wife will need to know the truth ... and if he gets the help of a trained professional, they're going to tell him the same thing.

Let me ask you this: suppose OP tells his wife that he's going to start getting aggressive about NoFap and recovering from porn addiction because the porn use has been getting worse. And what if she starts asking, "how is it getting worse?" And what if she asks, "has your behavior gone beyond just porn use?" What do you suggest then? Should OP start explicitly lying to his wife?

You're not bi. Your sexual appetites have been distorted by your porn use and sexual acting out. You need to spend a good, long while away from those behaviors so your brain can come back to a state of normalcy and balance. Then you'll be more truly yourself than you currently are, and you'll have a clearer idea of what your orientation is.

Also, props to @Psalm27:1my light who's been dropping dimes in this thread, and who has clearly done a lot of work on her own in understanding this addiction. My ex-wife was very similar--sought her own recovery, and learned about my addiction enough to understand that it wasn't about her. So thankful for the spouses who are willing to walk the difficult road of recovery alongside their husbands.

 

Thank you so much I understand your point of view completely

 

I was using the atmosphere of a rehab to be made as stress free as possible. Not chaotic, kicked out and labelled a weirdo. He needs to get a proper psychologist and start working on getting well first. But it’s up to him and will affect his and his wife’s whole life. You can tell how much devastation it has caused in psalm’s posts. So doesn’t need to be pressured into it whilst in a bad place. You know what if I had a Mrs that was meeting up with dominatrixes because she hated herself and was using it as a way to self harm but loved me and had got therapy and wanted to end this behaviour. I’d prefer not to know unless she felt like she really needed my help.

 

If one could get into recovery without being honest, I might agree with you. However, and it is fairly clear here on nofap, very few get into long term recovery. Recovery takes a huge amount of help, time, deliberate devotion to sobriety and honesty. So no matter what you are doing be it pmo or recovery, if you have not openly talked about your addiction, you will be deceiving your partner in some way. Every time you lie to your partner, their gut goes off and it causes extreme confusion and stress. In order to even begin to get into recovery an addict needs to be honest with themself. I also want to once again reiterate ( but you all never seem to believe this) it’s the lying that causes the most extreme devastation and pain. It’s the isolation and withdrawal from the relationship. I couldn’t have cared less about the porn. It wasn’t until I realized that he preferred to jack off rather than be with me. That every time I asked why we didn’t have seggs more often , why he wasn’t interested, why would he always say no? He gaslighted me. He told me he was tired, had a headache, I was mean to him, we just had sex ( um no that was two weeks ago). I have known about his porn use for 27 years. I have separated twice, not because of porn, but because he lied to me about it. I grew to view porn as cheating because all his sexual energy went to pmo followed by the lies and deception. Just because your partner “ accepts” your lie does not mean it isn’t causing harm. I think what happens is the focus gets placed on the porn use/affair because it also causes pain. It’s ALL bad. No denying that. But, in 5 years of recovery work, the vast majority of women have said they can work through the addiction/affair but they cannot deal with the lies. I’ve been in forums, online private recovery groups, several very costly intensives, working with counselors, coaches, for a solid 5+ years now and every woman has said the cheating hurts, but it’s the lying that destroys me. Guys, we can work through almost anything if we 100% believe that you will never lie to us again and you back it up with action. The exception to this is if your partner already has trauma regarding sex and abuse.

 

It’s definitely made me think about being in a relationship if I don’t have these urges under control. They flare up so fiercely when stressed and tired. I’d hate to be sneaking off for an escort and cheating on someone I love. So I better get this beast under control or rewired, before possibly hurting someone else. I was seeing a lady which I knew couldn’t progress much because of kids etc and was honest with her, she said let’s just be mates that fu.k. The regular healthy sex definitely helped. But I would often say this isn’t working or going anywhere let’s split up/ call it a day and then contact escorts. Would it be different if it was someone I could see a future with I’d hope so. And I feel once you’ve done it once you’ve broke the seal and the next time is easier. My mates always cheating on his poor girlfriend he’s had a kid with. And I think it’s selfish as fuck. And feel for his Mrs but she’s an idiot for wanting a bad boy type. And status material crap. An older girlfriend couldn’t keep up with my demand for regular sex and hardly wanted it. I couldnt last very long back then and was a bit amateur so probably not much point if I could t satisfy her. So I’d quietly get a porn mag and got caught with it and told I was cheating. Which i didn’t really get. Plus we all have needs for sex and if that doesn’t line up with your partners there is always going to be resentment. If OP’s wife asked have you ever slept with someone else I think the best option (not in the short term ) would be to be honest. But if he can get into a more stable place with a psychologist first and get some recovery under his belt it would go down a lot better. He sounded like he was at the end of his tether the other day as it is. For me if a girlfriend sat me down and said I love you babe and have messed up. I’ve really been struggling with my body image and shame and in an unhealthy way of trying to regulate I used to see random people who would trash and dominate me as a form of self harm. I’m seeing a therapist and haven’t done it in months but feel like you should know. It would probably go down better that she had put things in place. I defiantly know what you mean about the lying. I dated a borderline/psycho who had made horrible stuff up to trap and trauma bond me. And realised it was bs so ended it with her. Without honesty I don’t want them in my f..ing house. It turned out that she was also a part time hooker for a few clients but it hardly lifted an eyes brow after realising what a manipulative dishonest monster she was. It’s certainly made me reluctant to letting someone close in my life. A relashiinship needs to special and supportive of one another so you have made some very good points and made me think.

 

I think it would be very different if a female partner told me she was going to see other females on mad sex binges where she’d be dominated. I’d actually want to go with her lol. But if a bloke tells his wife he’s being banged by men. I doubt she’d feel the same. I think even a man going with ultimate feminine trans they would still be labelled as a homosexual. I guess it would depend on the other persons outlook. I joined a sex addict group. And one of the guys on it had come out to his wife about sleeping with guys and it had devastated their relationship. He spoke really camp which he must have decided to talk in that way once he was out otherwise it would have been pretty obvious to his wife lol. He was cracking onto me and making pervy gay jokes in the group and didn’t want to stop his sexual behaviour and wanted an open relationship. I guess he’d been caught and was sent there to try and fix him rather than him wanting to do it for himself. I left the group as it was creepy having someone chat me up when I was battling trans addiction. But heard later his wife had left him. So I guess the point sharing is don’t put on a camp voice and ask if you can still see other men lol. It sounds stupid but I literally messaged my accountability partner last night to see if he could unblock pornhub so I didn’t get an escort instead. It’s a crafty little shit this addiction and doesn’t care what’s in the way.

 

Yes, but let me explain the subtle reasons why. Most of the women in my groups are trying to work through actual physical affairs. The reason the lying is worse is because you are compounding the betrayal and hurt. Say you had an affair, came home and partner wants sex, but you immediately confess because you care enough about your partner to protect them from the risk of disease. You care enough about them to give them a choice about the relationship rather than enslave them in a false reality. The affair can be a horrible mistake, a moment of weakness, a selfish choice. The lying is completely personal and a complete disregard for the partner as a person. All of us understands temptation, and mistakes. Lying is only to protect you and your addiction no matter the cost to your partner. Even if it costs your partner their life. My friends husband gave her hpv. She wasn’t getting regular check ups because she was faithful, nothing seemed wrong until she found out the hpv he gave her turned into cancer. Had he been honest that he was hooking up with random strangers she could have made choices to protect herself and gotten checked immediately. Since she had zero symptoms of hpv she never proactively got checked. He adamantly swore he didn’t give it to her because he wore a condom! He gave her hpv and chlamidia. Only because of the second std did she find out about the hpv and cancer. The cheating is painful, the lying strips us of the ability to decide what we want and the ability to protect ourselves physically.

 

That's fine, but notice that in your hypothetical, you actually get to decide whether or not you want to know. A wife who's having the truth withheld from her doesn't get the freedom to choose, and that's where the problem lies.