question from new forum subscriber

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SamScarlet, Oct 29, 2018.

  1. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

    100% agree with everything you have said , I don’t disagree with everything he said , but the delivery was harsh . Especially to an already victimized SO . You are valid in what you feel . Have the no bullshit conversation. Set your boundaries and consequences.
  2. Asmo deus

    Asmo deus Fapstronaut


    It was not intended to be either but I see I failed miserably on that aspect. For that you have my apologies.

    And no. I never found myself in such a situation in the past. I'm 18 and have no such experience. Perhaps that's why my method of delivery was so... hurtful.

    Anyways. I'm glad we see eye to eye and you have my wishes on a successful life ahead.

    *And by the way I FULLY DISAGREE on that statement you make about him having a right to leave you and find a mate who can better satisfy his libido. You aren't his wife just for sex. He can't pull that shit on you. Leave him to fap merrily but don't stand for a divorce simply on the basis of infrequent sex. Again- HE should also have known what he was getting into.

    Have a great life.
  3. SamScarlet

    SamScarlet Fapstronaut

    Accepted, it's all good, don't worry about it.
  4. SamScarlet

    SamScarlet Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I have put boundaries and consequences in place, and he is doing a 90 day reset. We will see how things go, not very optimistic right now in spite of apparent progress.
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut Moderator Assistant

    I'm struggling with this thread, and apart from @IAmLegion you seem to be getting very one-sided advice.

    I agree with him. Music videos are not porn and masturbation is normal. There are a million reasons to give up porn and one of them is the harm that the pornography industry does to the women in it. I watched the original Hot Girls Wanted video and read Gail Dines "Pornland": it is just horrendous and heart breaking the levels of violence and degradation these young women are forced through. Yes forced—they turn up on set expecting to act out a scene and are then cajoled and bullied into something totally worse. I do not want to be part of that world anymore as a consumer of pornographer's evil product. Music videos are nothing like that.

    I do not agree with him here. I found the chaser effect pretty strong and so I would often feel a greater need to masturbate the day after sex. For me the frequency of sex and the frequency of masturbation were not related in the way he's suggesting. But we're all different. It's one of those statements that sounds like it should be true, but for me it wasn't.

    For me it isn't.

    If he's being honest about this it seems positive.

    Why strange? Most men masturbate.

    You and he disagree but you are not crazy. If this is important to you then it's clearly something you need to talk through and renegotiate. The fact that you've talked about porn already should make it easier, but it's always hard to bring these things up.

    Everyone's different but for me this would not make sense. Firstly it could be demeaning for you and might lead you both into thinking of sex as purely functional. Secondly it might not work. This is probably just a psychological quirk of mine but I always needed masturbation to be separate from my wife, something that I could call my own which was beyond her control. That was important to me.

    I know we come over like that, and if you do put forward a pro-masturbation point you need to get your asbestos jacket ready, but the site itself is very clear on this:
    (from here, and it is in bold on the page). I think sometimes people forget that.

    (N.B. This may make me sound like masturbation is a big part of my life. It isn't. I last masturbated on the 9th of October 2016. The reason I stopped was not because I believe that masturbation is wrong but because it kept pulling me back towards porn use: I believe porn is wrong.)

    I hope this doesn't sound antagonistic. You are free to negotiate your own boundaries in your relationship and your expectations play a big role in that. But please do not think that your partner's attitude to masturbation and to music videos is unreasonable.

    Good luck, I hope you reach a place of mutual intimacy and respect.

    One last note. You mention that he's stopped porn (or at least doesn't use it). Did he use porn before you met? Many of the men here have found it tremendously difficult to give up porn (me included), even when our wives threatened to leave us. If your partner gave up for you then either
    1. he was never very committed to porn, which is great, or
    2. he was very committed to you, which is great.
    Both options are great.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
    Asmo deus likes this.
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I felt hurt reading what that person wrote to you. I'm so sorry you even had to read that & explain yourself. You have nothing to defend.
    Stay strong

    Please stay strong
    SamScarlet likes this.
  7. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    That was an interesting dynamic. Did she ever withold permission? If so, did she give a reason?
  8. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    And just to throw in a confession of my own, when I was 16, my girlfriend of the time set me a challenge. I was to go home that night and masturbate continuously, picturing her all the time in my mind, and see how many times I could come for her.

  9. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    My two cents.....
    ANYTHING someone uses to stimulate arousal is porn.
    It doesn't matter if it's pictures of feet, photos of scantily clad celebs, etc. Porn isn't limited to nudity and vulgar acts. If you think so you're lying to yourself.
  10. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    I have to disagree with this. I certainly don't have the inside scoop on the music video industry, but I can only imagine how many women and men are hoping to make some money, become famous, or make a living as models or dancers only to find their values compromised by the erotic nature of so many music videos . . . and commercials, Hollywood movies, etc.
    With all the coercion and sexual abuse that has been revealed to be rampant in Hollywood, where are the protests and boycotts? A lot of people talk about how awful it is to support the evil porn industry, and it seems that we are all happy to see movie moguls and celebrities get "taken down" for their misconduct but how many of us have actually stopped watching movies to stop supporting that industry??
  11. Wild Wolf

    Wild Wolf Fapstronaut

    Most of the music videos nowadays are softporn.
  12. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Did she ever withhold permission to masturbate?? All the time.
    I won't go into great detail here, as I don't want to detract from this thread, but we would check in daily and if I had been objectifying other women that day, then the answer was almost invariably "No." She taught me that it is not appropriate to get aroused by objectifying women and then go home to relieve that arousal. In essence, I would be masturbating to thoughts of these women who are not my partner, who are possibly someone else's partner, and who don't even know that I am doing that - it is entirely inappropriate.

    As a single guy, I wish I had more women in my life to help keep me on track like that. Most guys will tell me the exact opposite -that it is okay to masturbate to fantasies of my female friends, coworkers, classmates or any sexily dressed woman that I see on the street.

    Can we assume that any of the women in these music videos would really be okay with strangers masturbating to them? I don't think so.
    Jennica likes this.

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