question from new forum subscriber

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SamScarlet, Oct 29, 2018.

  1. It's a p-sub. If he is looking at a woman sexually dressed/half naked/in lingerie etc. It's a p-sub. He is looking for ways to keep his addiction.

    My husband in the beginning thought instagram lingerie girls weren't porn because his definition of porn was "two naked people having sex"....

    anyways.

    He is not getting in recovery. You have every right to set boundaries to keep you safe. If you don't want a relationship with a man who is not faithful you have every right to set that line. It then falls on him whether he wants to cheat and thus have the relationship fail, or get into recovery and try to rebuild.

    Also sex is NOT a need. Water is a need, food is a need..... sex... not a need. Intimacy is a need.

    So the whole, "you don't have enough sex with me" is NOT a reason, you are not to blame for his addiction and his choices.

    He had the choice to come to you and say, "I would really love it if we could be more intimate" (define intimate in whatever way you choose -sex, cuddles, kisses, etc.)

    I am sorry if you have felt blamed at all, but you are not to blame.

    At this point, take care of yourself, set boundaries and consequences and try to work on communication (but that only works if both parties are willing). We are all here to support you! Check out my resources thread in my signature, it's a good place for new people to start if they want to understand the dynamics, what's happening, and more.
     
    cakeinacrisis, SamScarlet and Numb like this.
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    LOL, that's pretty creative. Thank you for this exercise in literary composition.
     
    cakeinacrisis likes this.
  3. SamScarlet

    SamScarlet Fapstronaut

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    What you said was attacking and hurtful, but I can understand that you probably found yourself in a difficult and possibly unfair situation in the past that my situation reminded you of, and that that fueled the feelings in your reply. I actually agree with a lot of what you said. Especially that what happened was mostly a communication issue, and that that communication issue was on both of us. I completely agree with that. Every day I think many times: I should have known, I should have guessed, I should have asked, I should have been more the one that he can talk to about his urges. And he shouldn't have kept such a secret from me either, of course.

    Of course, I did not base my research only on this site. I read a lot of different materials, including a lot of information about the benefits of masturbation, etc. This site is by the way not at all about the eradication of masturbation. This site is very clearly about overcoming porn addiction.

    Of course I am not going to force him to do things. Of course it is not me or the people on this site that will decide his destiny. What a strange idea. As if such things were even possible. He is the only one who can choose which way to go.

    If it was about frequency of sex, he wouldn't have needed to watch attractive young girls in minimal clothing dance and prance around to masturbate. If it was just about sex frequency, he could have just masturbated. I am not sure you can imagine the impact on me of the thought that he, on a regular basis, deliberately, got sexually excited by women of his choice other than myself, and gave himself sexual gratification watching them be sexually suggestive. I understand that this is such a commonplace thing nowadays, part of basically almost every marriage, but that doesn't mean that it is not extremely hurtful.

    I was already feeling inadequate before. Now I feel it much more strongly. I feel that if I am not the right one for him, he can go and find somebody younger who is of the correct amount of libido, I am absolutely not going to try to stop him.

    If he wants to be with me, I expect him to quit masturbation, not only and not so much because I find it disrespectful, but also and mostly because I know that otherwise he will just be jumping from one stimulus to another, finding newer ways to circumvent the filters, finding stimulation that has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with many other women, finding ways to justify keeping secrets and lying, and so on.
     
  4. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    100% agree with everything you have said , I don’t disagree with everything he said , but the delivery was harsh . Especially to an already victimized SO . You are valid in what you feel . Have the no bullshit conversation. Set your boundaries and consequences.
     
  5. IAmLegion

    IAmLegion Fapstronaut

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    It was not intended to be either but I see I failed miserably on that aspect. For that you have my apologies.

    And no. I never found myself in such a situation in the past. I'm 18 and have no such experience. Perhaps that's why my method of delivery was so... hurtful.

    Anyways. I'm glad we see eye to eye and you have my wishes on a successful life ahead.

    *And by the way I FULLY DISAGREE on that statement you make about him having a right to leave you and find a mate who can better satisfy his libido. You aren't his wife just for sex. He can't pull that shit on you. Leave him to fap merrily but don't stand for a divorce simply on the basis of infrequent sex. Again- HE should also have known what he was getting into.

    Have a great life.
     
  6. SamScarlet

    SamScarlet Fapstronaut

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    Accepted, it's all good, don't worry about it.
     
  7. SamScarlet

    SamScarlet Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I have put boundaries and consequences in place, and he is doing a 90 day reset. We will see how things go, not very optimistic right now in spite of apparent progress.
     
  8. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I'm struggling with this thread, and apart from @IAmLegion you seem to be getting very one-sided advice.

    I agree with him. Music videos are not porn and masturbation is normal. There are a million reasons to give up porn and one of them is the harm that the pornography industry does to the women in it. I watched the original Hot Girls Wanted video and read Gail Dines "Pornland": it is just horrendous and heart breaking the levels of violence and degradation these young women are forced through. Yes forced—they turn up on set expecting to act out a scene and are then cajoled and bullied into something totally worse. I do not want to be part of that world anymore as a consumer of pornographer's evil product. Music videos are nothing like that.

    I do not agree with him here. I found the chaser effect pretty strong and so I would often feel a greater need to masturbate the day after sex. For me the frequency of sex and the frequency of masturbation were not related in the way he's suggesting. But we're all different. It's one of those statements that sounds like it should be true, but for me it wasn't.

    For me it isn't.

    If he's being honest about this it seems positive.

    Why strange? Most men masturbate.

    You and he disagree but you are not crazy. If this is important to you then it's clearly something you need to talk through and renegotiate. The fact that you've talked about porn already should make it easier, but it's always hard to bring these things up.

    Everyone's different but for me this would not make sense. Firstly it could be demeaning for you and might lead you both into thinking of sex as purely functional. Secondly it might not work. This is probably just a psychological quirk of mine but I always needed masturbation to be separate from my wife, something that I could call my own which was beyond her control. That was important to me.

    I know we come over like that, and if you do put forward a pro-masturbation point you need to get your asbestos jacket ready, but the site itself is very clear on this:
    (from here, and it is in bold on the page). I think sometimes people forget that.

    (N.B. This may make me sound like masturbation is a big part of my life. It isn't. I last masturbated on the 9th of October 2016. The reason I stopped was not because I believe that masturbation is wrong but because it kept pulling me back towards porn use: I believe porn is wrong.)

    I hope this doesn't sound antagonistic. You are free to negotiate your own boundaries in your relationship and your expectations play a big role in that. But please do not think that your partner's attitude to masturbation and to music videos is unreasonable.

    Good luck, I hope you reach a place of mutual intimacy and respect.

    One last note. You mention that he's stopped porn (or at least doesn't use it). Did he use porn before you met? Many of the men here have found it tremendously difficult to give up porn (me included), even when our wives threatened to leave us. If your partner gave up for you then either
    1. he was never very committed to porn, which is great, or
    2. he was very committed to you, which is great.
    Both options are great.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
    IAmLegion likes this.
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    no /nō/
    Determiner: not any; Used to indicate that something is quite the opposite of what is being specified.
    OR
    Exclamation: used to give a negative response.
    OR

    Adverb: Not at all; To no Extent
    OR
    Noun: A negative answer or decision, as in voting.

    fap /fap/
    Verb vulgar slang (of a man) masturbate

    If you join the two, the combined term literally means "no masturbation". The damned website literally means "nomasturbation.com"

    This entire argument and ensuing discussion over what nofap is and isn't is just ridiculous to me as is the arguments over pornography versus masturbation.
    I don't agree. I believe we, as mankind, have attempted and done everything in our power to normalize it in much the same way we continue to accept and normalize other outrageous behaviors. But we can agree to disagree.
     
    Katrina Rose likes this.
  10. cakeinacrisis

    cakeinacrisis Fapstronaut

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    I felt hurt reading what that person wrote to you. I'm so sorry you even had to read that & explain yourself. You have nothing to defend.
    Stay strong

    Please stay strong
     
    SamScarlet likes this.
  11. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    That was an interesting dynamic. Did she ever withold permission? If so, did she give a reason?
    ANH
     
  12. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    And just to throw in a confession of my own, when I was 16, my girlfriend of the time set me a challenge. I was to go home that night and masturbate continuously, picturing her all the time in my mind, and see how many times I could come for her.

    ANH
     
  13. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    My two cents.....
    ANYTHING someone uses to stimulate arousal is porn.
    It doesn't matter if it's pictures of feet, photos of scantily clad celebs, etc. Porn isn't limited to nudity and vulgar acts. If you think so you're lying to yourself.
     
  14. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    I have to disagree with this. I certainly don't have the inside scoop on the music video industry, but I can only imagine how many women and men are hoping to make some money, become famous, or make a living as models or dancers only to find their values compromised by the erotic nature of so many music videos . . . and commercials, Hollywood movies, etc.
    With all the coercion and sexual abuse that has been revealed to be rampant in Hollywood, where are the protests and boycotts? A lot of people talk about how awful it is to support the evil porn industry, and it seems that we are all happy to see movie moguls and celebrities get "taken down" for their misconduct but how many of us have actually stopped watching movies to stop supporting that industry??
     
  15. Wild Wolf

    Wild Wolf Fapstronaut

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    Most of the music videos nowadays are softporn.
     
  16. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Did she ever withhold permission to masturbate?? All the time.
    I won't go into great detail here, as I don't want to detract from this thread, but we would check in daily and if I had been objectifying other women that day, then the answer was almost invariably "No." She taught me that it is not appropriate to get aroused by objectifying women and then go home to relieve that arousal. In essence, I would be masturbating to thoughts of these women who are not my partner, who are possibly someone else's partner, and who don't even know that I am doing that - it is entirely inappropriate.

    As a single guy, I wish I had more women in my life to help keep me on track like that. Most guys will tell me the exact opposite -that it is okay to masturbate to fantasies of my female friends, coworkers, classmates or any sexily dressed woman that I see on the street.

    Can we assume that any of the women in these music videos would really be okay with strangers masturbating to them? I don't think so.
     
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