Letters to my husband

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    As an only child, books were my life. I had no one to blame for accidents, no one to lean on at all times, no one as an immediate source of strength, comfort, & reasoning. I am finding that because of this, I have troubles communicating with my husband. While I have gained knowledge from my years of turning to books, it has hindered the ability for my brain & mouth to form coherent sentences to him that can get my thoughts across clearly without sounding like a nutjob.

    Thoughts; millions of them, rising at the most inopportune times, making it impossible for me to tell him my feelings.

    This "journal" will give me time & freedom. Time to articulate my thoughts/feelings & freedom in how I choose to express those thoughts/feelings. Those thoughts/feelings that I want to say to my husband, I will say here; future reference & self-healing therapy.

    Tonight, I was writing my "impact letter" & a song came on my Pandora. It was the summary I needed today of my thoughts/feelings.

    Dear Husband,

    Cast the calming apple
    Up and over satellites
    To draw out the timid wild one
    To convince you it's alright

    And I listen for the whisper
    Of your sweet insanity
    while I formulate denials
    of your effect on me

    You're a stranger
    So what do I care?
    You vanish today
    Not the first time I hear
    All the lies

    What am I to do with all this silence?

    Shy away, shy away phantom
    Run away, terrified child
    Won't you move away, you fuckin' tornado
    I'm better off without you
    Tearing my will down




     
  2. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear Husband,

    In case my random outbursts, crying fits, & withdrawal from you weren't clues, I'm going through some s*** right now. I think it's called grief, and it brought baggage: powerlessness, isolation, self-blame, despair, disbelief, anger, apathy, betrayal, uncertainty, weak, and fear. They've been loads of fun, huh? I am going to write out some of the million thoughts that go through my head as I'm being screamed at by our kids or stonewalled by you:

    I'm so exhausted; I wish my life were different; he let me marry him knowing he had a problem; speaking of problems, when will I ever get the full rundown as well as him making amends to those; why is he still deceiving me? Duh, cake, it's because he's not really working his recovery; s***, he's going to force me to be one of those wives that tracks their husbands every move because he is too passive about his recovery; when is he going to stop playing victim; am I a victim?; he picked the most genuine person ever to destroy, yet I supported him; why am I the bad guy all of the time?; Alaska sounds nice but I have no job and two kids; speaking of job, he promised to help me build a photography business website and it's been like, 10 months, & he writes code for a living; duh, Cake, you aren't important to him, that's why he hasn't finished it; that's why you don't get any "words of affirmation" or physical touch; he should know by now if he was really serious about recovery and saving the family, all he has to do is show that he's at least trying; I can't keep doing this; why do I have to be the strong one; is he on his phone again, yes, he's on his f***** phone again; what an idiot; I just want to cry

    It's at that point you usually hear a couple of f bombs as I fly past you to get somewhere alone. Somewhere you can't see or contribute to my weaknesses. My weaknesses just keep making me weaker, and when you have to live with someone who acts as though your very existence was a massive mistake by God, it tends to wear a person down. I know you appreciate the fact that I'm a strong woman, but Lord Jesus babe, I get weak, too. I need you when I'm weak, but you make me want to run away. I'm scared you aren't as invested as you should be, yet, I don't know if I have the energy to even care at this point. I am so burned-out from the disaster your addiction created & just life in general, that I could just collapse. I am physically and emotionally drained & I feel like I shouldn't have to repeat this to you (although, I do), for you to finally go "OH! YOU MEAN, YOU'RE TIRED OF ME ACTING LIKE I'M BECOMING THIS BETTER PERSON BY CHANGING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THIS MARRIAGE??? WELL S*** GIRL, I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY INVEST IN BECOMING A BETTER MAN THIS TIME & GIVE YOU THE HUSBAND YOU DESERVE. THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME, WIFEY, I OWE YOU A SOLID.

    I am patiently waiting, although I am sure you feel the opposite radiating off of me. My loyalty to you has never waivered & you know this; acknowledgement of this act is welcomed. No one said this would be easy, so let's start knocking these walls down together, ok?

    I love you & believe in you.
    Cake
     
  3. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    // it's up to you
    ...

    if (youWant()) {
    youCan();
    } else {
    youCant();
    }

    while (true) {
    iLoveYou();
    }

    Cake
     
  4. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    I'm an only child too. Keep up the journal. Good work.
     
    nicename, 0111zerozero11 and M.S.H. like this.
  5. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I dig it; I have a love/hate relationship with being an only child. Ultimate irony? I had b/g twins that are preschool age now. Most days I find myself just standing there as they're duking it out over the last banana, wondering if it's 5 o'clock somewhere & what the betting odds in Vegas would be. I kid.

    Thanks Max; I'm really enjoying your wit & honesty on your own journal
     
  6. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    384
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    We are in such similiar mind sets. Ugh. So utterly tired, and I can't ever seem to get the right words across to convey just how exhausted I truly am. This whole situation is completely draining. Every minute I wonder why this,why that.... I used to believe if I had known then what I know now I'd endure it again because I love him. Now I'm so weak I'm not even sure anymore.
     
  7. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Dear husband,

    3,285 days.
    9 years ago, you met your perfect victim. A girl in her 20s, coming out of a pretty intense break-up with her boyfriend of 5 years. She was a sweet girl who preferred stars to skyscrapers. I think Tom Petty wrote a song about her; Free Falling.
    You called her your "little hippie" & left thoughtful, meaningful surprises to lure her in. Once you put a ring on your "little hippie", you turned into something she did not recognize. The deceit from your addiction turned this woman, who was the epitome of self-love, into a scared, paranoid, angry, resentful, self-loathing, bitter person. For 9 years, you let her fall down that rabbit hole hoping she'd never come back a "sane" person, all in the name of your addiction.
    That's why she told you to leave today.
    Although you have abstained from PM the past 3 months, your addictive behavior is more alive than ever.
    The biggest mistake you made? Forgetting why you fell in love with her in the first place & who that person was that she fell in love with.
    It's not the guy that lays in bed on his phone, instead of joining his family; not the guy that continues to make this kind woman feel as though she's at fault for this nuke; not the guy who doesn't show her she's respected, adored, wanted, & comes first in his life.
    She gives with her whole being and only wants an effort in return. Actions speak volumes.

    For 3 months I have kept your "good guy" image going; not telling anybody in real life because of humility & protecting this "image" of you. The last thing I want is someone thinking negatively about you & you know that. That is why I was the perfect victim.

    I wasn't planning on telling anyone, but you left me no choice. When I told you to take your ungrateful ass elsewhere today, I didn't think you'd go to the home of our very dear, married friends. The wife, one of my closest friends, openly breastfeeds & you know this. You also know, that you have openly stared at women in front of me our entire relationship & admit ogling is a major problem for you.
    When I found out you were there, I knew I had to tell my friend the truth. She was going to want to know why I asked her to not breastfeed in front of you while you were there. I texted her the entire list of "offenses" I've compiled over the years. She called me as soon as you left & we sobbed together. You had her fooled, too.

    Tough love sucks, however, I feel fucking amazing after letting someone I trust start helping me get this giant elephant off of my back.

    So, heads up, secrets out. The laundry has been hung out to dry. Your friends & wife just want the best for your kids. Be a better dad.

    Cake
     
  8. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    That "good guy" image is something I struggle with too. It's a giant vale, its misdirection, it's a lie. Shedding it and being truthful is the hardest thing. I would do backflips to impress people, earn trust and make myself physically uncomfortable to hide the real me....and why?! So that I could maintain what? More lies?

    I hope you find a center. I hope he realizes his path is empty.
     
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  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    He's the opposite of pleading for forgiveness. He blames me for existing, for screwing our kids up, for the decline in the marriage. He's an addict doing "addicty" things.
    Someone has given him the advice "he just needs to be a better man; become more alpha" & he ran with it. Basically, I have an addict being an addict & thinking if they just become a better man & not watch porn, life is golden.

    I picked him up off the ground plenty of times; each time, he's fooled me & let me down.

    No mas.
     
    nicename, M.S.H. and Katrina Rose like this.
  10. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Fortunately, I've had that center before & I'll know when I find it.

    He knows, as well as I that I will be a-ok on my own....it's the kiddos I worry about. They didn't ask to be born to an addict father & mom that is so exhausted from defending herself, she can barely function.

    Why? Why, why, why?

    Where is that goddamn user manual I was supposed to get at birth?! Sorry; I have to laugh or I'll cry, & I am so over the waterworks.
     
    nicename, M.S.H. and Max Fisher like this.
  11. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    You have to write your own manual. It's also guaranteed to contain errors. Keep laughing. Question: You started this journal mentioning you were an only child. I've been told that order=priority. How does this relate to your identity? Do you see it as a weakness or a strength?
     
    nicename, M.S.H. and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'll think about this instead of crying & eating Cheetos.
    Distraction; thx max
     
    nicename, M.S.H. and Max Fisher like this.
  13. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    I thought it was cake in a crisis not cheetos. But seriously, puffs or the other ones that aren't worth the time?
     
    nicename, M.S.H. and 0111zerozero11 like this.
  14. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    It helps to answer these after you write them. Coincidentally, I had to ask myself this four times today in my journal to get to the answer. I know the struggle and circumstances are different, but answering why multiple times can get you to the root of the problem. It may even need a fifth why.
     
    nicename, M.S.H., Jennica and 2 others like this.
  15. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Cake Ina Crisis
    Mr. Fisher
    Self Identity 101
    14 October 2018

    Only Child; Lonely Adult
    Being an only child always carried the assumption from others that I got everything I wanted. Being an only child of divorced parents, tripled that "spoiled child" association. I often found myself feeling guilty around birthdays, holidays, & vacations. I would get 2 of everything. Not only that, but my parents loved out-doing each other in the gift department. I'm almost positive they were both trying to win/buy my loyalty/affection. Because of this, I have lived a life full cognizantly displaying unselfish behavior, to "prove" not all only children are spoiled brats.

    I am simply captivated by those with siblings. I'll sit silently as an observer, watching as they make shitty ass comments to the other & then 5 minutes later are all "I love you bro, wanna take mom's car out for a spin?". I would think silently to myself about how quickly they forgot why they were mad. I definitely carry this into adulthood. Because I never had anyone to "get mad at & get over it with", I find myself being the type of person that will cut someone off like nothing if they wrong me in any way. I didn't learn that you can still like/love someone after they've wronged you. Flipside of this irrational belief of mine, that once you do me wrong you're gone, is that I am fiercely loyal & my intuition is borderline Miss Cleo of the 1-800-call-a-psychic days.

    The biggest hindrance of being an only child in a relationship, especially one where addiction is involved, is our need for independence. Only children have nothing BUT their imagination growing up. We are creative, sensitive, & love our alone time to really tap into the deeper part of ourselves. Addicts tend to be needy. They "play up" the self-pity. They take advantage of the only child's inquisitive & nurturing mind.

    I can only assume my INFJ personality type is attributed to being an only child. My archetype is the seeker, with creativity being my biggest attribute. I do not doubt for a second that being an only child has dramatically altered my view of the world & the ways I live in it.

    It's a blessing in disguise. My biased opinion, is that being an only child has given me an advantage over those with siblings on an intuitive level. We are amazing judges of character, which we ignore & welcome the opportunity to let others prove our character judgement wrong.

    **I hate sweets, tbh. If you figure out where my handle came from, I am certain you will find reflection;) **
     
    nicename and M.S.H. like this.
  16. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Thx friend....have a wonderful week :)
     
    nicename and M.S.H. like this.
  17. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    So true; thank you
     
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  18. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    You can't have it and eat it too
     
  19. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Word.
    Especially when I am that cake.
     
    nicename and Katrina Rose like this.
  20. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    When I read this, I was thinking, wow she sounds like me, she must be an INFJ. I wonder if she knows that?


    And then I get to this. Yep! Fellow INFJ and only child of divorced parents, here (though mine did not try to out do each other like you mentioned).

    I think I remember a few other INFJs on NoFap.

    Anyway, sorry your husband is still acting like an addict. Incredibly frustrating, especially as the mother of his kids.
     

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