Need some advice to stop going to escorts & watching webcams

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if your husband is a porn addict, has PIED and sometimes needs special positions or his own hand to get off, that he's not even close to being "very satisfied" with sex in your relationship.

If you ask any man "Do you enjoy sex with me?" or "Did you like it?" he will say yes 100% of the time. No man will ever say "Not that much, I actually enjoy watching porn more than having sex with you."

One of the reasons we remain addicted to porn or other sexual outlets is because we keep chasing that high that we can't get from our partners. We're used to being immersed in a completely unrealistic sexual world of voluptuous women doing everything to give us pleasure. That's why we get PIED, because our brain has been desensitized so much that our partners are not enough to make us aroused.

Sure, we might be able to get it hard and have sex. We might be able to get off. But that doesn't mean we're feeling immense pleasure or that we're being satisfied completely.

Is your husband even aware of these things? Is he a part of the nofap or porn addiction community?

What about you? What are you going to do? Have you made a decision?

I know there's a lot of resentment and hate inside you, but you first need to understand this addiction if you want to save your relationship.

You don't need other women from this forum telling you "Yes, he's so selfish, he's a liar, he has betrayed you, I feel you". You need to understand his behavior and the reasons why he does the things he does. As a porn addict myself, I'm trying to give you a different perspective.

If you think I'm way off, then I don't know what you're waiting for to break up with him. Seems to me you already made up your mind that he's just a bad person.

 

How do you feel about the idea of completely quitting fantasizing about sex altogether for the rest of your life? No thinking about sex, no checking out escort sites, just simply quit and only have sex with your wife?

I ask this because if you want to quit your addiction, you need to be ok with that idea. If there's fear or something holding you back from that, then please share it with us. Maybe we can help you dig deep and see how you can change that.

By the way, sex with your wife does not count as fap. Sex with your wife is good, unless you both decide to go a period of complete abstinence to help your brain recover.

 

@MarriedIn2013 I want to share my story as well, because a lot of these women were betrayed for 10, 15, and 20 + years and you are able to see the damage of being lied to every day for decades. I want to show you the damage lying for just one year can do.

I met my husband June 6th, 2015. I set my boundaries right off the bat once I realized he was interested in me. I have anorexia and know porn is a huge trigger for me to relapse, so not only did I believe b=porn was cheating but it also couldn't be in the relationship because of my health, my well-being. He promised me that wouldn't be a problem.

Within the first year, I found little things here and there. I was gaslit (where an individual lies/abuses the other into making them crazy because they cannot trust their gut). I was made to question everything. Not only did he choose a screen over me because I let him know MANY times that I was broken (I broke down crying, let him know, reminded him about how hard it was for me not to restrict after what he did, etc.) yet he kept doing it. I asked if it was an addiction, he said no. Only in January 2016 did he somewhat admit it might be an addiction after I found something else after he promised nothing more would happen. January 2016 was one of the bigger D-days.... After January my trust in him was gone (because January was maybe D-Day 7 if you count every discovery as a D-Day). By June 6th 2016 I discovered more. June 6th.. the year anniversary of us meeting... was a D-Day which lasted until June 8th. That was D-Day 8 and on June 8th 2016 I found EVERYTHING. All the lies, all the betrayals.... I found it all.

Here is the thing I knew something was off in the relationship about 3 months in but couldn't pin point what the problem was. As someone with extensive psychological knowledge I started exploring. I asked about his childhood, any addictions he had, I tried to figure out what the hell was wrong in our relationship. How did I know something was wrong? The emotional distance. The superficial lifestyle. The inability to feel emotions. Sex feeling like it was dissociated/a job/ unemotional. There were many things that tipped off my intuition that Something was happening... I just couldn't figure out what.

The first time I found something I wasn't even looking because I trusted him fully... I didn't suspect him of anything in those first 3 months. I was on his phone looking at his gallery and the Edited folder had a picture of me I hated, so I clicked on it because I wanted to delete that picture, and next to my picture was a naked blonde. My world was destroyed in that moment. We had an agreement no porn. My health.... my life... clearly didn't matter to him. Since that first picture, trust wasn't ever the same, but for the most part it was restored, until the next photo came up months later.... I never thought it was bad, I thought a photo every couple months didn't warrant an addiction.... the thing is my husband (bf of the time) did everything to protect his addiction, dismiss my feelings, all because he was in the Porn Fog.

I know addiction, I have suffered from my own, and I said on June 8th, "If you want us to stay together you have to be 100% serious about recovery. That means therapy weekly, accountability, honesty, and recovery being priority number 1. If you cannot do this, let's break up now. But if you want recovery and will be in recovery I will stay. I will stay with an addict in recovery but will not live with an active addict."

My husband said he wanted recovery and promised to be in recovery.

I did the legwork in the beginning because my husband seemed so lost (First 6 months post Dday) and then I told him he had to take lead once I thought he was on his feet. Meanwhile, I held in my pain and betrayal to the best of my ability to get my husband stable.

June 6th-8th 2018 is coming up in a couple days. That will mark 2 years since D-Day. He is still not really doing very well with recovery activities but he has been PMO free for 2 years. 3 months post Dday he fell into another addiction and ... that has been a real kicker in our recovery. So there have been more lies since January 2018... which made trust impossible to earn, or shattered what trust was earned. Another thing was there was no consistency since June 6th 2016, and words and actions have not lined up. So again, no trust can be earned if you're not trust worthy.

When I first found out, I was filled with hope, ready to conquer this as a couple, be his cheerleader despite the pain he'd caused me because I figured, he would write me an apology letter, be remorseful, that this seriously...


If you can take anything away from my story, be honest, consistent, and make recovery priority number 1 in life or you won't get better (or it will just take years and years to get to a place of sobriety).

I have my own addictions as mentioned. I have always been honest about my addictions, my triggers, urges, etc. My husband is so thankful for that. I've tried modeling recovered/recovery behavior for him but he hasn't caught on.

Recovery means addressing the root issues behind your addiction (for my husband it is his mother abandoning and neglecting him as a child), facing the pain you've caused (my husband needs to talk about all the things he did in his addiction that hurt me and write the apology letter), and it means changing your lifestyle (my husband came out about his addiction and lost 98% of his friends because they were unhealthy, addicts themselves. He had to quit other addictive behaviors like drinking and video gaming. He had to get serious in school - he now gets A's after failing out of school while in his addiction.) You get the point.

Recovery is a mindset, and until you're out of the Porn (escort) Fog it will be very hard to start seeing things clearly.... again, wish the best in your recovery. sorry if my post was a downer. But just wanted to show you that no matter if you lie for a couple months, one year, or 20 years, the damage is all the same.

You have a choice to define the person you are on a daily basis. I tell my husband that every day. All you have to do is make healthy choices, which can be hard after years of making unhealthy/destructive choices. But getting into therapy is one bare minimum start to being serious about recovery. Another way is to get books on sex addiction, learn about the illness you have. You can't conquer what you don't know.

The day you admit you are an addict, you are fully 100% responsible for your decisions because you are now aware of the fact you're an addict, so again, be mindful. Mindfulness is a great recovery tool.

Just immerse yourself into recovery and healthy decisions. That again is changing your lifestyle. That can mean ditching bad habits, addictive behaviors, bad friends, getting a new job, moving to a new environment, etc. Recovery takes 100% effort, nothing less or you won't be successful. Take it from someone who has learned this the hard way.... If you're not 100% committed... then the odds are against you.... again, good luck! Rise to the challenge!

 

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I wish you the best with your relationship.

 

Thank you, and I do wish you the best in your recovery as well.

 

That's very good man.

Is there anything that you're afraid of regarding quitting masturbation and escorts?

For example, some men fear that if they quit then it means they have to spend the rest of their lives fighting urges. Other men have fear of "missing out" if they stop having sex with escorts or living their sexual fantasies through porn. Other fear that they won't be able to cope with stress if they stop getting off to porn or escorts.

There's always something holding us back.

 

My husband didn't realize he was being emotionally distant at the time, he always thought he was close and we were the perfect couple... he was quite deluded and in the fog. My husband has always asked for hugs and cuddles... that isn't emotional distance. If you stopped hugging and cuddling that would be physical distance.

Emotional intimacy is when you let your spouse into your inner world. You reach out to connect on things you would only tell your spouse. For instance, I was emotionally intimate with my husband when we first met when I told him that I had been sexually assaulted and raped twice and had PTSD, I wanted him to know that before entering a relationship with me because that would effect him. I told him about my addiction to self-harm. I told him about my anorexia. I told him I was adopted. I told him X, Z, Y etc. you get the point... that is emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy would have been had he let me know how abusively neglectful his mother was, but he didn't. He actually put her on a pedestal when we met. He made it out to seem like he had no issues, he never shared any memories of his with me, he didn't share emotionally with me. Hence, he was emotionally distant. Even asking how work was... "fine" was the answer I got. Not, "Today really made me feel insecure because I wasn't able to make the sale on the galaxy that I should have been able to make for commission. It really made me question my skills and whether I am a good salesman." (he used to work for verizon)

There is a big difference between, "My day was fine/alright/okay/tiring" and using emotional language like expressing the thoughts about your day, the feelings and emotions that came up from events.

Trust has not been repaired because my husband has not been able to be consistent and reliable yet. His honesty is still in question given his PMO addiction transferred only three months into reboot to another addiction, so I've had to deal with two addictions.... two sets of lies, two sets of triggers, etc. it's challenging. But I am still hanging in. I believe in marriage and don't believe in divorce, so it would take a lot for me to really go through with a divorce. I believe in keeping your promises and vows (to forsake all others) so I agreed to in sickness and health (addiction is an sickness).

 

I agree 100% with this.

Porn addiction has robbed me of the ability to be truly emotionally connected with someone.

I'm very cuddly and physical, yet I've never fully opened my heart to anyone. I don't even know how that feels like.

I am that "fine" guy.

I don't have any desire to talk about my feelings or go into details about my day.

I'm very curious to find out if this will change after being clean for a long period of time.

 

If you are seeking out escorts instead of your wife to meet your needs. You are emotionally distant. If you are fantasizing and masturbating you are emotionally distant. You may think you are not, but you are fooling yourself. It is the addiction speaking.

@TryingHard2Change ...would you care to chime in on what a PA feels being emotionally distant is vs. how the wife feels about it?

 

I'm kind of done with this thread to be honest.

 

But you are right, he is most definitely emotionally distance and just doesn't realize it. That was me for 20 years.

 

I can relate. I stay at home, work from home, with a 6 month old. It's soooo hard to get everything in. If my mom didn't watch him for one- three hours a week, I wouldn't get much done. There has to be compromise. For instance, I am also frugal, and I don't cook, my husband makes me a strawberry smoothie every morning and leaves it in the fridge, I usually have something like lean cuisine for lunch because it's easy as F to make when you are juggling a 6-month-old, a magazine, emails, editing, writing content... (I am a writer so my day consists of researching content, keeping track of ideas, my writing team, emails, and products, and editing my teams work).

For instance, it's almost 1 pm and I haven't had lunch yet. I plan to, just, work gets in the way. Exercise? I'd love to, but I don't have anyone to watch my 6 month old, so that gets pushed to the background until someone can watch him, or on the weekends my husband and I take him to the dogpark for exercise and family time.

My parents luckily love our son, and on weekends, they will watch him for a couple hours, so that either means my husband and I can get much needed errands done or we can try for a date night.


With food, I am the same way, I don't want to spend money, my husband spends 50% of his money on food and that makes paying bills challenging... so we have a takeout budget and a "Jaks lunch" budget... that way it's not out of the question but hopefully limited.

Area's of struggle for you:
-Time management
-Cooking/Eating
-Going to Gym
-Date nights

I try to get the most crucial work done during nap times, that way I know those things are done. When my son is awake I play with him for a bit, go back to working, and go back to play, and repeat. It's not ideal but it's me doing my best to balance his needs and work needs.

Cooking/Eating.... budget, make a budget with your wife. If you like the healthy restaurant near the gym, what is it that you eat there? Can you make it at home? Can you have leftovers from the previous night? For me the easiest meals are smoothies, salads, and a protein based meal (which is hard to cook so sometimes I get stuff from wholefoods or trader joes that is frozen that I can put on the skillet for 10-15 minutes and throw in a salad). Dinner is either take out or my husband cooking.

Does your wife cook or you? Do you know how to cook? What foods can you compromise on? How expensive is that restaurant near the gym? My husband goes to a restaurant near work and can spend $12-$17 a day on lunch and that doesn't include the breakfast he sometimes stops on the way to work to get... so money can be tight when he is spending that much. So again, compromise. Maybe go to that restaurant 2 times a week instead of 5 times? Idk, but do you get what I am saying?

Gym-
Okay, so you like working out, that is great for recovery (although be wary of gyms because of ogling). Is there any way you can exercise in your house? For instance, we have a treadmill upstairs that I occasionally use. Or I just am walking around the house alot one day and keep track of steps. Or I get am arm work out by lifting my six-month-old up and down (which he loves and will laugh and laugh until I put him down). There are very creative ways to exercise. The calories you burn while doing house chores like dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning adds up. Do you have any weights in the house? That is also easy, if you're on a conference call, lift weights while on the call, or while on the call, walk around your house and don't sit while on a call. Anyways, you get my idea to be creative.

Date nights
Professionals say when married 2 date nights a month minimum can keep romance alive. Can any of your in-laws or family friends watch the kids for a night for 2-3 hours two times a month? Is there a babysitter you trust that is affordable?

I don't know what money is like for you, but I am 24 and my husband and I really don't make much at all, so we have had to really budget to get bills paid, food on the table, money for therapy, etc.

If you have a budget with your wife, go through, see what you can take out, re-arrange, etc.
Maybe groceries is $500 a month
Takout/lunch is $100 a month
Babysitting cost $300 a month
etc.
You get the point.

See what you and your wife can do as a TEAM.

 

(And to add to her list .. she is an amazing contributor of useful content to NoFap!)

 

@MarriedIn2013, It seems like your plan is essentially this: 1. Never use webcams or escorts again, 2. never mention the escorts to your wife, and 3."make up for" (the escorts) by being the best possible husband and father for the remainder of your days.

I think you may be underestimating the difficulty that you will face will adhering to the first part of the plan. People that say, they will "never watch porn again!" on this site are a dime a dozen. People that actually follow through with this statement for any substantial time (let alone "never again") are much more rare. I would strongly recommend that you look into the suggestions from @EyesWideOpen below:

You have mentioned that you have time constraints and in my opinion, given what you are looking to accomplish you would be better served with focusing your efforts utilizing resources in addition to (or other than) this site.